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Thread: Yuki of Team Rocket: Nightmare on the Job (PG)

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    Default Yuki of Team Rocket: Nightmare on the Job (PG)

    Chapter 1: Perfect Day?

    “Stupid bird…stupid cops…stupid Boss…stupid everything!” Yuki kicked at a nearby stone, only for it to bounce off the trunk of a tree and smack her right in the forehead. She found herself on the ground, dazed. “Great…second time today I’ve been hit there.”

    Yuki was supposed to be a world-famous Ghost Trainer and Coordinator, but with her career of choice, her life had been one horrible joke. She laid there on the ground, clad in a black uniform missing only the gloves. She wore a blood red scarf around her neck that had an R insignia on either end, letting anyone know she was a member of the Rocket Gang. Not many cared. Her black uniform told people that she was nothing more than a Grunt. The lowest class normally handed to new recruits. She’d been a grunt for seven years.

    “Different views or same, I should be an Admin by now!” She growled, gripping some grass from the ground and ripping it mercilessly out of the earth. There were few things about Yuki that made her stand out from other Grunts. Her hair was as white as snow. Her Green eyes stood out significantly because of the dark hue. She had a temper so vile and short, a Gyarados would seem like a harmless Mareep in her presence. One thing that attracted people’s attention was the hitaikakushi (Triangular forehead cover) she always wore.

    The way she dressed sometimes caused more trouble than she’d intend, depending on where she’d go. Some superstitious people would mistake her for a ghost and try to banish her to the underworld just because of the forehead cover. Sometimes, on darker nights, She’d get pelted by Pokeballs from ignorant trainers because they believed she was a Darkrai, due to the black outfit, red scarf, and white hair.

    “I don’t even have an hourglass figure,” She growled, rubbing the side of her head a bit. “Idiots need to learn to open their eyes.” That wasn’t the main problem of her day. It had all been one horrible nightmare from her. It all started when ‘that bird’ found her again.

    --earlier--

    “Easiest heist ever!” Yuki chuckled. It was the wee hours of the morning in Floaroma Town. The Pokemon Center had very poor security, as the town was small and peaceful. “The Boss will hold no excuses this time! I’m getting a promotion for sure!” She carried a large bag of Pokeballs over her shoulder and on her back, each and every one of them holding some unsuspecting trainer’s Pokemon. She figured they were primarily be young Pokemon, or plant types. It didn’t matter to her. The Boss would take just about anything at this point, especially in large amounts.

    “Heavy heavy heavy…Maybe I should get Skully out here…no wait…that’ll attract attention. I need to do this on my own before everyone wakes up!” There was a forest not too far from the town that she could hide in and rest for a while and find a way to transport all of the stolen Pokemon back to headquarters. With no cops or guards in sight, Yuki found herself actually grinning. Everything was working in her favor!

    “KROW!” Yuki lurched forward as something smacked her in the back of her head, leaving a few scratches under her white hair.

    “Not you again!” Her head snapped back up and she gazed towards the sky. In the dawning light, she could see the figure of a Murkrow flying overhead with a sinister smirk on his beak. This Murkrow wasn’t like any other. Sure, the species is said to cause misfortune to travelers and even assist in getting them lost, but this one was just pure evil. Yuki recollected herself and made sure the bag of stolen Pokemon was still intact. “I don’t have time to mess with you, you stupid bird!”

    “Murkrow krow!” The bird replied. Yuki seemed to understand perfectly, as her face turned red with fury.

    “Take that back, you Rattata with wings!” She screamed. The Pokemon only hovered overhead and continued to smirk at her.

    “Murkrow krow!” It squawked again, seemingly enjoying Yuki’s misery. She was very tempted to unleash one of her Pokemon upon the bird.

    “No…not now. I need to get out of here before someone finds me,” She growled to herself, taking a deep breath to keep her cool. “Now is not the time to fight with a chicken.” She took only a few steps away from the Pokemon Center before the evil bird swooped down again, screeching loudly. “HA! Missed!” She cried, having ducked mere seconds before he could swipe at her with his talons. He ended up landing on the bag of pokeballs, still with that sinister smirk on his beak. One would question if it was a permanent expression for the Pokemon.

    “Don’t you dare!” Yuki growled. Her eyes opened wide when she noticed he’d tug his claws into the bag, threatening to rip it wide open any second. The Murkrow suddenly began to flap its wings, screech, and squawk loudly, acting as if it were stuck. “Shut up, you stupid bird!” Lights were already turning on in the nearby houses from the noise. “No no no no no!! Quiet!!” Yuki commanded, trying to reach around to grab the Murkrow’s beak without dropping the bag.

    Once the lights began to turn on in the Pokemon Center, the Murkrow silenced and smirked at Yuki again. He flapped his wings a few times before taking off, tearing a huge hole in the bag and letting the Pokeballs spill all over the place! Yuki tried to collect as many of them as possible and close up the bag again, but the hole was much too big! It wasn’t long before people were emerging from their homes to figure out what the commotion was.

    “This isn’t my day,” She cried, trying to close up the bag and trying to make off with the Pokeballs that remained from the spill. Nurse Joy emerged from the Pokemon Center, claiming she’d already called the authorities. “Damn, she’s fast!” Yuki wasted no time high-tailing it away from the Pokemon Center, her loot being cut in half thanks to the Murkrow.

    “KROW!” Yuki felt a sharp pain in the back of her head as she was swooped upon by the bird and lost her balance. She tripped forward and landed on the ground face first, loosing the rest of the Pokeballs.

    “God damned bird,” she muttered, considering just laying there and wallowing in her failure a few minutes. The familiar bark of a Growlithe forced her to change her mind, however.

    “Stay where you are! You are under arrest for attempted Pokemon theft!” Officer Jenny called.

    “Screw that! I’m outta here!” Yuki scrambled to her feet and ran as fast as she could before the Growleth could sink his teeth into her. Overhead, the Murkrow cried out in a way that anyone could interpret as an evil laugh, watching in glee as Yuki ran for her life.

    ------

    “Stupid bird…why me? Why must he haunt me?” She got back to her feet and dusted off any dirt from her uniform before continuing forward. “If the Boss would just promote me, I would have money to perform these heists more efficiently than trying to get away on foot!” She continued to blame everything else but herself in her life for her failure that morning, not being the happiest of people at the moment.

    “Just once in my miserable life I would love for things to turn out in my favor! Just once! Anything! Anything at all!” She cried out, seemingly to no one. The nearby Pokemon in the trees and grass just rolled their eyes at the woman’s rants and continued their business. She continued forward a while in silence. There weren’t any trainers around to pick-pocket, nor any towns for several miles. On a normal day, she’d find the setting peaceful.

    She paused. A chilling sensation ran down her whole body. “A ghost?” She looked around, expecting to see a trainer or a mischievous Ghost Pokemon following her. Instead she met nothing except for a few Starly flying by. As a Ghost Trainer, she could feel their presence from a fair distance. She wandered a bit around the idea, waiting for the chill again. It wasn’t familiar to her. It couldn’t have been a Duskull, a Misdreavus, Drifloon, or Gastly. She was very used to the sensation of those species and their following forms. “Perhaps today I can add a Shuppet to my crew! I guess the day balances out!”

    The chill returned and she followed, ending up into a very covered area in the forest, almost untouched by sunlight. It was perfect for Ghost Types to call home! She continued only a few steps further before she stopped dead in her tracks, her heart nearly jumping right into her throat.

    There was no ghost, but there was something even better. A Pokemon entirely of Darkness, hated by most humans and Pokemon alike for its abilities and solitary nature. The Pokemon had an hourglass figure, appearing as if it were wearing a torn cloak with a red, jagged ring around its torso. Its face was covered by a snowy white main, which flowed in unfelt winds, covering one of its blue eyes.

    “Darkrai,” She whispered, lowering herself in an attempt to hide. The Darkrai didn’t seem to take notice, circling around something over and over, pausing only ever few minutes to check on it. She tried to get a good view, but couldn’t see in the tall grass and bushes with her squatting position. She knew very little about the Darkrai species. In fact, not many knew much about it, except that it was considered an evil Pokemon that caused nightmares by malicious intent. Although it was not a ghost, Yuki has been very interested in the species for some time, ever since she’d heard stories of it the day she arrived in Sinnoh.

    The Darkrai suddenly stopped it’s circling. It glanced towards the ground, then its surroundings. In a split second, Yuki watched the Pokemon vanish within the shadows, appearing to flee. She stood up and grabbed one of her Pokeballs, hoping to grab its attention and capture it before it could leave. Before she could pull her arm back for a throw, it was gone.

    “Damn!! I let it slip right through my…fingers?” She dropped the Pokeball when she noticed the object Darkrai had been circling. The concept of mysterious, if not legendary, Pokemon producing offspring was something that made even the most intelligent of scientists’ minds boggle. Even the scientists of Team Rocket weren’t sure it was possible. Mere feet from here was a Pokemon Egg. There was a white circle on the top, a red, rugged pattern in the middle, and the rest was pitch black. There was no mistaking it. This was a Darkrai Egg.

    “Why would it just leave it behind like this?” She mused, stepping forward to examine the egg. She kept one hand close to one of her Pokemon’s Pokeballs, just in case the parent returned to attack. The egg was moving slightly, even giving off a faint glow. Yuki had never had a Pokemon egg with her in her long career, but she knew enough that this egg was about to hatch, and the parent had just abandoned it!

    “This is perfect! Once you hatch, little one, you’ll be a wonderful gift for the Boss! He’ll have to promote me for sure!” Yuki squealed, waiting patiently for the egg to hatch. It continued to move around and the glow got brighter and brighter. The parent still didn’t return. The huge smile from the early morning returned to Yuki’s face once the egg was entirely covered in a glow and the shell began to crack.

    She covered her eyes a moment from the glow, and when she lowered her arm, she was face to face with a wide-eyed baby Darkrai, about the size of a Pikachu. It hovered close to the ground, keeping its eyes fixed upon hers. She was still smiling.

    “Perfect!” She grabbed the Pokeball she’d dropped before. “Now…be a good little Pokemon and--”

    “Mama?”

    Yuki’s smile faded in an instant and her skin went pale. She didn’t hear that. Did she?

    “Er…excuse me?” She stared at the Darkrai in disbelief. Talking Pokemon didn’t phase her so much with the things she’d seen in her life. It was the word that worried her. The Darkrai appeared to smile, even though it didn’t really have a mouth, and hovered closer to her.

    “Mama!” It chimed again. Once more, Yuki dropped the Pokeball.

    “….you have GOT to be kidding me…”
    Last edited by Luckster; 6th April 2009 at 6:32 AM. Reason: typo
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  2. #2
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    Growlithe.

    To be honest I find it very hard to believe someone could outrun a dog- let alone a Growlithe. Have you never watched cops? And watched what happens when the release a dog? The dog goes for the perp. The dog does not stop. The dog only stops, when perps limb, is in its mouth.

    So yeah, how does one get away from something that can out run you, track you, and most likely has more stamina to keep running? That I find hard to believe. And how is a Murkrow able to tear a hole in a bag, with just its talons? What, was the bag made of paper?

    And the Murkrow- if it's so evil, why was it messing with someone doing evil- surely nothing could be worse than seeing fellow pokemon stolen. Or what, was it rescuing them? Was it just Random strife generator? Because if so that's a bit of a failblock right there.

    She wore a blood red scarf around her neck that had an R insignia on either end, letting anyone know she was a member of the Rocket Gang. Not many cared.
    And why is this? Because TR is such a large, opressive mafia that anyone that does care, is quickly eleminated? But then, Officer Jenny apparently cared enough to attempt to stop her, so is it only the police force and those that truly care about their pokemon, that mind TR? Cause mean sure while I would never face the gang as a hole..

    ... it would not stop me from being a dastard back to lone members- if there are no witnesses, there is no one to say that you did not follow League Rules for battles..

    But that's beside the point.

    “Mama!” It chimed again. Once more, Yuki dropped the Pokeball.

    “….you have GOT to be kidding me…”
    Yes, please- this is all a horrible delussion caused by the repeated concussions/blows to her head, right? I mean it's almost bad enough you've nearly sued out your character with bad portrayal of others, their interactions with her, and her herself, that she now, stumbles onto a Darkrai that laid an egg, evidently, and abandond it to the world.

    That instantly hatches when she gets near it, and lets forth a talking infant Darkrai?

    And I assume your character will A: Have an unexpected change of heart and try to turn good to protect the little infant! B: Think she's insane and run away screaming- not caring about abandoning the infant to the wild. C: Try and keep it for herself as she's greedy and doesn't realise how bad it will be when big boss man Giovanni sees that Uh Oh, one of his star grunts is keeping something from him..

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    Oh wow!

    I...didn't think Fanfiction wasn't allowed to be fun anymore. Ouch, man.

    Thanks for pointing out the typo. I wasn't sure if it was correct or not, and the Serebii Pokedex wasn't loading for me at the time. I just forgot to double check later.


    now...

    Where to begin?

    This is Pokemon...not Cops. I recall Jessie and James outrunning many different Pokemon that would otherwise catch up with them without trying and flat out kill them. I figure a lone Grunt outrunning a dog wouldn't be that big of a deal.

    As for the Murkrow. He's evil only to her. In his eyes, Yuki is a toy he's able to play with every time he's bored at the expense of her safety and job. He's kinda on his own side here. Not Team Rocket's. Not Officer Jenny's. His own. He's just mean.

    There's no Team Rocket branch in Sinnoh (I'm only going by dubbing here cause I don't have access to the Japanese material at this time), so she's unrecognized as a criminal until she commits the crime. Even if she wasn't part of Team Rocket, she'd be called a thief for the act just the same.

    As for the Darkrai baby...well...isn't fanfiction suppose to be fun? Fictional? I understand there kinda is a rule against owning Legendaries in these fanfictions, but this fic kinda plays with that idea. It won't speak for most of the fic, but I had to make it say SOMETHING for Yuki to have the shocked expression/reaction. Sorry if it offended ya.

    The next chapter will continue to explain a bit more about Yuki. I personally didn't see her as much of a Sue when I wrote her up. She's just having a bad day. She has plenty of strengths to balance out her weaknesses.

    She doesn't even WANT the Darkrai because of how pathetic it behaves around her most of the time. It won't be physically captures by her for...probably the whole fic. It just follows her. She's a Ghost trainer, not a babysitter.

    Yuki is a Team Rocket Grunt and will remain loyal to them. Not even Giovanni would want a Darkrai that calls a human 'mama' and behaves like a child. Typical Darkrai are meant to be 'badass' are they not?

    But if having 'fun' with a fanfiction rather than writing it like it's suppose to be 100% solid fact chaps your *** that badly...why did you continue reading it beyond the first paragraph?

    I normally appreciate a good critique now and then, but this wasn't it. This was ripping it up and spitting in my face. It's only the first chapter.
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    Growlithe wasn't the only typo, and you don't have to just use SPP.net's dex for pokemon names :/ so .. no excuse if you really were trying to prevent typos.

    Anime = Phailbucket. The Reason they have them do that is 1: If TR was caught, they'd not be bailed out by Giovanni. 2: There'd be no more cliched idiots of stupid plot for Ash and Co to defeat. Every. Single. Episode.

    And lastly- you pretty much have her escape without really saying how. Does she fly. Does she leap over buildings? A River? Use crap to mask her scent? What? Just saying oh she was able to outrun it because the Growlithe didn't have a killing intent is more of an excuse, than a reason :/

    And It's called Television. And News and Cops usually have networks and etc... and people travel- And you didn't really say Not that most people here in Shinoh/Shinnoh/whatever, didn't even know what the R on her scarf, or choice of attire could stand for.

    And also, how exactly did Yuki evidently pick up a stalker Murkrow- or is he the Ash to her Jessie and James?

    She doesn't even WANT the Darkrai because of how pathetic it behaves around her most of the time. It won't be physically captures by her for...probably the whole fic. It just follows her. She's a Ghost trainer, not a babysitter.

    Yuki is a Team Rocket Grunt and will remain loyal to them. Not even Giovanni would want a Darkrai that calls a human 'mama' and behaves like a child. Typical Darkrai are meant to be 'badass' are they not?
    You... have no idea how evil Giovanni can be.. or how evil you could make him.

    In the Anime- Movie wise, he Lied and Tricked Mewtwo, made the clone unknowingly bow to his will. He then Tortured the pokemon pretty much to attempt to break him- and if that failed, would just re-clone him. Domino, also threatened the lives of baby pokemon.

    Somehow I really doubt Giovanni would care if the Darkrai was bright pink and had a battle cry of BIP! if he could train it to be a monster.

    So why introduce a talking Darkrai if it's going to get ignored, mistreated, and not even used as a plot device for potential character development and or an item for power bribe to her own boss?

    And mean good god you complained about my review yet you yourself say it's a baby- so how can a baby be badass anyways?

    But if having 'fun' with a fanfiction rather than writing it like it's suppose to be 100% solid fact chaps your *** that badly...why did you continue reading it beyond the first paragraph?
    And it's called REVIEWING. God.

    If you want to continue to write for just 'fun', or rather get reviews that don't poke and point out possible flaws in your story, characters, plot and actions and etc.. go post in FF.net.

    Last I saw all they give there is mindless praise.

  5. #5
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    I don't go by just the Anime. I play the games too ya know. That's kinda where the idea of Yuki finding a baby Darkrai started. There's a Darkrai in Alamos...a Darkrai on Newmoon Island...and a Darkrai in the Almia region....them Darkrai gotta come from SOMEWHERE, yes?

    And the idea of the baby being abandoned was also inspired by an artist I watch on DA. It makes sense to me. Darkrai are meant to be solitary creatures, judging by their behavior. Once the parent sees that the baby is going to hatch, they leave and continue with their life.

    And as for how she was able to escape...I kinda hoped to leave that up to the imagination of the reader. I didn't think I had to write up every last detail to satisfy people. She has one flying Pokemon, but he's not too reliable with that Murkrow around. Again, explained later.

    And I DID hint she was in Sinnoh....Floaroma Town is where she flubbed up her heist...and R could stand for anything.

    And if Giovanni would be willing to take in anything rare, despite the pathetic aspects involved, why didn't he take the Togapi from Jessie and James back in Kanto? At the time, that was considered a...heck...it's STILL considered a rare Pokemon.

    The Darkrai WILL talk from time to time. But he's not gonna be a chatterbox or anything.

    And again...this is only the first chapter.

    Reviewing people's work isn't stabbing at everything that doesn't appeal to real world logic until it holds no fantasy detail anymore. I find it amusing that you're trying to put LOGIC in POKEMON here.

    If I were to suddenly scrap this and rewrite it to appeal to you...I'd fall asleep from how boring it'd become. I'm defending myself here because the way you reviewed was just mean. There's really nothing you like about it what-so-ever? I actually tried to make this fic somewhat enjoyable, and it seems all of the enjoyable parts I put in are the parts that piss you off here.

    What do you want from me? I professionally written novel approved by the creators of Pokemon themselves?

    Why can the characters in the games and the anime have fun, but a character in a fanfiction can't?

    If this were Ash, Dawn, and Broke who'd come across the Darkrai Egg and intend to deliver it to a Pokemon Researcher in order for it to be safe, with Team Rocket hunting them down to capture the baby for themselves, you probably wouldn't be calling me out because the main cast behind the Anime have automatic invincibility over everything.

    I suppose you think fan made characters are only allowed to be kicked into the forest with a Squirtle and that's it?
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    Lol.

    You act as if I like the anime for the human characters.

    Actually if you used Ash and Co I wouldn't even read this- Ash has been run into the ground and has very few redemable qualities in his actions, personality and choices. Brock, Misty and etc aren't far from being just two dimensional characters that are only there to help Ash get to his silly little goal.

    And hinting is not what I meant. If you really wanted to get it across that you thought that Shinnoh would have no idea of what she was, don't just say oh and in general no one gives a damn. Cause in general it will be misunderstood.

    And yet again you're complaining I reviewed- and acting like I should only have reviewed if I absolutely loved the fic. So what, I can't share my opinions and thoughts on the matter?

    In prologues and sometimes chapters- you can, sometimes, squeak by without explaining some things- like a weapon, or a murderer, or the cause of death or action of something.

    But a somewhat major event like evading the police, I would think would need some hinting, or description and detail/information, even a character's passing thoughts would be better than leaving it up in the air as oh it's not important.

    I mean seriously; what did she do? You said she had pokemon, why not use them. A ghost type could have easily confused the Growlithe, or hell even had it attack officer Jenny- yet all you do is have her flee. If she's supposedly such a great trainer/coordinator, surely such a trivial thing as a young fire type would not be above her abilities in dealing with.

    Darkrai are meant to be solitary creatures, judging by their behavior. Once the parent sees that the baby is going to hatch, they leave and continue with their life.
    Then Darkrai wouldn't imprint on Yuki as mother. Infants of species such as what you are claiming Darkrai to act like, would not attach to something as a parent and would be self sufficient.

    And what is wrong with using Logic. Even with pokemon you need logic to make senseable things happen- logic could even be used in how and why Yuki obtained a talking tag-a-long that is not going by its nature and sticking around and calling her mother even when obviously, she does not want it.

    And if Giovanni would be willing to take in anything rare, despite the pathetic aspects involved, why didn't he take the Togapi from Jessie and James back in Kanto? At the time, that was considered a...heck...it's STILL considered a rare Pokemon.
    Afaik, TR never captured Togepi long enough to give it to Giovanni or decide to do so. If I remember right Meowth threw the competition because he saw Togepi saw Misty as its mother, not him, and heart broken, he let Togepi go.

    But Togepi =/= Darkrai. Darkrai is a known legend. Ofc anyone would want it, collectors, trainers, people wanting power ...

    It's stupid for you to keep claiming, no one wants it cause it's a baby!

    It's called Brainwashing. It starts at young age

    Evidently you are NOT going for a serious fic and you should have said so. You're going for something that is most evidently poor humor, and you don't really want anything outside mindless praise for it, because of how you keep reacting.

    I suppose you think fan made characters are only allowed to be kicked into the forest with a Squirtle and that's it?
    Yeah. Really. Like. Mark chose squirtle. Mark had his *** punted into a random forest. Squirtle ran away. Mark was killed and ate by Houndoom.

    The end.

  7. #7
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    Ugh...someone please point out the rules that states fanfictions have to be exact down to every last bloody detail?

    I apparently can't write this. You want too many explainations too fast.

    It's the first chapter.

    Here you go! Lovely spoilers!

    Yuki is a Ghost Trainer. Most of her family has trained Ghosts for generations. She's from Lavender Town. She became an official trainer like everyone else at the age of 10.

    The Murkrow hates her for no reason. Or maybe it can be interpreted as love. She reacts so he continues to pick on her. A run of the mill bully.

    Yuki started off with a Shiny Duskull. He used to be more or less considered a family pet because at the time he was a total goofball. She chose him as her 'starter' to whip him into shape an turn him into a serious Pokemon. He's now a full grown, *** kicking Dusknoir.

    She also has a Misdrevus and a Drifblim, both caught during her 15 year career. She's picky on the Pokemon she catches for herself.

    Giovanni hates her because she calls him out for impossibilities of capturing certain Pokemons of legends, in which there can CLEARLY be only one of at any given time (Groudon, Kyogre, Rayquaza, Dialga, etc). Because of her 'attitude', he keeps her at the Grunt Level. Because she actually steals Pokemon for the team once in a while, he keeps her around. He just doesn't like her. He normally forgets who the hell she is unless they get into a heated argument again.

    How did she escape that mutt? How about she pulled out her Dusknoir and he Ice Punched it into next week? Or maybe Misdreavus used Perish Song? Oh, I know! Drifblim used Shockwave and they flew away...no wait, that won't work...cause Yuki was clearly walking in the beginning of the fic before she recalled the events of the day.

    Yuki running into a parent Darkrai was on accident. The Darkrai was either too focused on the egg to care about her presence or didn't care if the baby grew attached to her or whatever. Its job was just to watch it over, make sure the egg wasn't damaged, then leave.

    Again...I didn't WANT the Darkrai to talk!! But I needed something for Yuki to react to! Cuddling her would just resort to her being weirded out and pushing it away, then continuing to stuff it into a Pokeball.

    She doesn't want it around because she and the rest of her team have grown very serious and professional over the years and find it to be silly to suddenly have a baby stalking them. As Yuki should say later "I'm a Pokemon trainer, not a babysitter! There's a difference!"

    She never captures it. She fears being seen with it will make her look weak. She doesn't report to the boss about it because she doesn't want her latest 'heist' to consist of a widdle baby Pokemon that acts like a harmless kitten. The baby just follows her around, thinking her behavior is perfectly normal and rational.

    There ya go? Fun time over now?

    Or you STILL gonna rip it apart because there's no real world logic involved?

    Nice to know Fanfiction writers aren't allowed to actually post on Serebii without being ripped apart bit by bit.

    Pointing out a few flaws that should be fixed while keeping the fic enjoyable is one thing, but you don't seem to even want this piece existing.
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    Yuki started off with a Shiny Duskull.
    Most people avoid giving shiny pokemon to trainers- atleast as a BEGINING pokemon, family pet or not :/

    Anyways.

    I am NOT wanting explinations to fast- did I say anywhere I wanted to read the past history of her? And surely, you could have had Darkrai speak in a way that made Yuki realise- oh shi. I mean going Rai! and acting clingy would usually make one think ... Crap .. does it think I'm its mother!?.

    And getting back to the Duskull, if she had such a serious attitude to begin with- why not now? If she whipped a goofball into shape, surely a pokemon that adores her wouldn't be that hard either. Again as I said it makes no sense, not only with logic but with how you have your character. It's conflicting in more than the ohsnap it's talking! sense or ohcrap it's a baby! excuse.

    And you sorta need to re-read what I said.

    Darkrai are meant to be solitary creatures, judging by their behavior. Once the parent sees that the baby is going to hatch, they leave and continue with their life.
    Then Darkrai wouldn't imprint on Yuki as mother. Infants of species such as what you are claiming Darkrai to act like, would not attach to something as a parent and would be self sufficient.
    Animals from species that are evolved to be self sufficient, and I don't mean like cats. I mean the egg is laid, watched over, hatches and the mother forgets about them [Snakes would be a good example], would never call something mother- thus you have conflicting things. If the Darkrai is nothing more than a tool, you could easily have had it do something else to make it a bit more reasonable. Like maybe thinking it wasn't a darkrai. Or something.

    You just don't get it, your character, the plot, the plot device, the personality of them all, it's all conflicting and not in a good way, it makes little to no sense, talking legendary or not, for them all to be bundled together.

    And thank you for proving that very few people actually attempt to read what I write and just assume when I say something I mean something else completely and utterly different!

  9. #9
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    Sorry for posting this piece of garbage then.

    I'd stick to just drawing, but now I'm a bit worried about how badly I'll get butchered in that forum too.

    I've requested a lock.

    Sorry to have burned your eyes with my lack of logic in a fanfic.

    I'll never happen again. I can't even build inspiration to continue because of how ****ed up the first chapter is apparently.
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  10. #10
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    Did I ever call this crap? No.

    Did I say Amigawd my eyes, they burn! They burn! Shadows come forth and smother this story that is before mine eyes and save me from further horrible fire damage! Water come forth and drown my eyes in the sorrowful tears of a thousand crying carebears! And again the answer is No.

    You posted a story, I pointed out my thoughts, and what I saw as errors that are not making any sense. And instead of saying The murkrow is just a plot device I forgot to explain into the story better or saying Talking is the first and only thing that came to my mind for my conflicting character to to be conflicted about and have a plot device follow her around! You gave excuses at first- then tried to dumb down characters, evil, and etc, then further tried to disqualify my review because gasp, since I mentioned anime and co, after you did admitedly, that I must mindlessly fangasam over something with Ash and Co!

    And yada yada yada...

    I am not saying you have to fix the chapter up. I am pointing out what I view as errors. I am Not calling it crap- you yourself are, and you yourself are just being over dramatic.

    If you CAN'T take any crititism at all, then no, you really shouldn't post here.

  11. #11
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    fine fine...geez...I'll spend the next 15 hours rewriting this thing so that everything is explained in the first chapter. I'll even extend the flashback of the day up to the point where the story initially began.

    I'm one of those people that doesn't like to put too much detail in right away. It makes a fic boring and makes a character mary sueish right away. I've read fics like that and couldn't continue to read even halfway through without yawning.

    I didn't want this to be an entirely serious story right away, but apparently I have to.

    Sorry for failing at humor.

    And to me, this isn't crititism, considering there's apparently nothing good about what I wrote. It's garbage.

    Now, let's see if I can find my inspiration. It seems to have run off.
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  12. #12
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    Oh gee willickers.

    The story has potential, but your impatience and lack of attempting to flush things out, make up reasonable items of strife, action and detail, caused something with potential to fall flat on its face and subsequently run the old gauntlent of this is wrong review from Yami.

    There, feel better?

    UNLESS I say it's crap. UNLESS I say this is Censor. It's NOT. It could be close- but unless I say so do. Not. Assume. That. I. Think. That.

    It just makes you someone who plays the victim card everytime someone who doesn't look at you nicely comes along.

    And you think your character can be able to not be a Mary Sue for lack of description and explination?

    She has a Shiny pokemon, for lack of better reasoning outside of it was a family pet.
    She has a talking Darkrai addition that is NOT acting normal, and you have this only because I needed a plot device and it's not like she cares about it anywas!!! yet, this is contradictory, again, because if she cared enough about a Shiny idiot Duskull, one would assume she would be drooling over a pokemon she could train to be her minion.
    She easily escapes real problems, from cuncussions to Growlithes chasing her, and with poorly describing this and most of her actions, she does come off as a Sue.

    The strife you implimented is poor, at best, and as I said she is dangerously close to being a Sue.

  13. #13

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    Well, I thought it had promise. Seriously, Yami Ryu, can you give ANY review that isn't entirely full of venom?


    First, to YR:
    -Most agents don't know what Giovanni is really like. Even Domino seemed shocked at the lengths he went to, and she's a heartless little trickster.
    -While having a Legendary imprint on someone is outlandish, it's not impossible. It happened to May with Manaphy, and Manaphy's the frickin' "prince of the sea" (and heck, Darkrai had that strange attachment to Alice, while that wasn't exactly imprinting).
    -People in canon, in all canons, have had shiny pokémon.
    -Rocket agents--and agents of pretty much every other Evil Team--have been able to arouse only mild suspicion in a lot of instances. Gameverse Team Galactic has TV COMMERCIALS about themselves. And it's been shown that animeverse Rockets are able to move about pretty much unnoticed unless the plot requires it, rather than the other way around. Especially when they're in a region where the Rockets don't usually operate, being demonstrated in Hoenn when JJ&M realized that the police weren't looking for THEM and so changed back to their regular uniforms.
    -Murkrows like to pester people. That's also canon in pretty much every continuity. Also the perspective was pretty telling.


    Now, to Luckster:
    -While as I said it's possible, it's also pretty damn unlikely for someone to have a Legendary imprint on them. There had better be a really good explaination coming for that, since it's not so much the action but the reasoning that'll turn the tide for that.
    -Shinies, also while possible, are also pretty damn unlikely.
    -You say in one of your notes that she contradicts Giovanni frequently, but for WHAT? There's no evidence that any of those pokémon are unique. Additionally, in anime canon, which is what you most often cite, Team Rocket *has* captured Rayquaza, and Aqua and Magma caught Groudon and Kyogre. Nothing prevents them from being caught even if they *are* unique.
    -You tend to play fast and loose with capitalization, especially when concluding a sentence after speech. It needs to be more like ("Do you know what I'm saying?" he asked.), with the indicator of who was speaking in lower case.
    -I want to know why she hasn't left TR after that time if she's so frustrated.

    And perhaps the biggest thing of all, you CANNOT, if you want to tell a story, let one nasty reviewer scare you away. All that does is say that you're not ready for the Internet, and then the reviewer gets the last laugh.

    Perhaps you'd do well with a beta reader. As I said, you have promise.
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    Firstly, from my objective position of just looking at this thread, I must say that Yami Ryu was never in the wrong.

    As she herself stated, she never said once that the writing was horrible or irredeemable, she merely spoke her mind and outlined certain points of the chapter/prologue whatever, that she thought didn't make sense enough for fanfiction to be considered reading worthy.


    Luckster on the other hand, was being childish and immature. I'm going to assume it's a guy, He was the one who said "I...didn't think Fanfiction wasn't allowed to be fun anymore. Ouch, man." and then he takes a 'Yami review is srs bzns approach' in the rest of his replies. If he'd just listened, took on board what Yami rightfully pointed out then this could have been sorted out a lot quicker.


    Seriously, man, THIS FIC IS NOT AWFUL! Rewrite it, listen to the reviewers and make it something that people will want to continue reading.
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  15. #15

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    Remember the saying "it's not what you say, it's how you say it"? It doesn't matter if she's right or wrong--don't be a jerk. And for crying out loud, when it's reached the point where the author is clearly upset to the point of saying the want the thread locked? You've gone too damn far.

    That's not good reviewing no matter how valid the points are. That's just being a jerk.
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  16. #16
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    So I've finished my nice long relaxing lie-in and sign on to Serebii only to find this shitstorm.

    First, the story itself. This is just a nitpick, but it's the duty of a critic to pick nits like a hyper chimp. I'm not entirely comfortable with a main character having a Japanese name, especially as it seems everyone else has a Western name, and it translates as something cute (in this case, "snow"). On a similar note, you use "hitaikakushi" and then translate it in brackets soon after, which raises a big question mark over why you had to include the Japanese. It's probably you thought it was cooler; so I can tell you're new to this.

    There's nothing really wrong with the mechanics, it functions well (although you do tend to stumble on capitalisation); it's just the subject matter. Moving aside the fact your character's name, she does seem unrealistic. I'm going to assume she moves at the speed of sound if she can avoid a Growlithe with an intent to detain; her starter is a Shiny; and she befriends a baby Darkrai.

    Yes, Shinies do pop-up a lot in the anime, but you can't really use that excuse; it's essentially an overlong commercial for the games with the intent to entertain young children. It's difficult to see them in the games; think of it like natural selection. Those that adapt better will survive, so that's probably why Shinies are so rare (OK, that might be reading into it too deep, but still).

    Likewise, the whole baby Legendary thing. Legendaries are supposedly one-of-a-kind, the gods of the Pokemon world. They shouldn't need to reproduce. But let's say they can. They would have to be self-sustaining, like sharks; shortly after they're born, they should be able to negotiate the world successfully. They are demigods, if not gods in their own right. There's no real reason why a baby Darkrai should attach itself to a human, nor is there a reason it can inexplicably speak in human tongue.

    Also, Blackjack raised an excellent point: if Team Rocket treats her like a dandy shaking a snotty hanky off his manicured hand, why is she still on board? If she's sticking around for some reward, she can't be very bright; no promotion can possibly be worth sticking around for seven years.

    Most of all, if you can't take criticism, then I honestly don't know how you function in real life. You need to grow thick skin; not just in this forum, but in life in general. If you start spitting venom at the first sign, it doesn't bode well. Although, to be fair, you did get hit by Yami Ryu, who spits more venom than a cobra with pertussis.
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    I personally liked it thus far. Luckster, don't let Yami Ryu's review get you down. And Yami Ryu, do you honestly have to be a jerk EVERY SINGLE TIME you review a fanfic? I am sorry, but it's the friggin' truth! Never, not once have I read a fanfic review of yours that wasn't more criticizing than constructive. You gotta admit, while you do bring up good points, you bring them up like a sarcastic jerk.

    *runs away*

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    I'm going to admit now before more and more people continue to bite my head off here via PM or email or thread post.

    Yes, there were some very valid points and constructive critiquing given to me, but they were presented in a very poor manner that would make most artists not even want to bother anymore. Most of my work is run through a friend of mine going through college for a literature career, and even he said that the presentation of the review was cold and harsh on a very high scale, even if there were some valid points.

    After sleeping on it a while, I have decided I will try again with this same story, but present it a lot slower in order to give off plenty of detail as early on as possible.

    I'm one of those artists/writers that likes to make my readers wonder for a while and open their own imagination on possibilities before it's actually admitted (Like the Murkrow Deal and Yuki's typical escape routes). But Apparently that does not appeal to everyone and has to be explained right there and then. I didn't think people were like that.

    I'm already rewriting the first chapter, which has exceeded a good three pages so far, but I don't plan on posting it here for a while. Not until this thread dies or gets locked.

    If YR had given me proper constructive criticism, instead of spitting in my face and stabbing me with a pitchfork over every little detail, I wouldn't have behaved in such a manner. Pointing out flaws and requesting how they should be fixed is different than calling a person out for every last detail that doesn't apply to real world logic, especially when it's a fanfiction based on a series that defies logic in general. Not to mention living on the canon instead of thinking outside the box. I may go for the anime for a lot of reference, but I have not watched every last flaking episode in existence. My school life made it near impossible, not to mention poor air time.

    I'm gonna end it here with that.


    -Edit-
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    Holy crap that's a lot of shinies.... O_O
    I think I have a Dragonair somewhere in my box...ya want? It lots its novelty to me after a while...
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  19. #19
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    Mary Sue's aren't just defined by being overly perfect- that is the fatal flaw many young writers, like yourself make. Along with abusing the victim card.

    You give her a shiny starter. You give her the ability/rank of being this super good trainer and etc. You make her a rocket. You attach a BABY. TALKING. LEGENDARY to her, for no good reason outside luck. And plot device reasonings. On top of it you have CONFLICTING actions and personality for her, revealed by your little view of her past- and of her starter. And of your views of Darkrai in general.

    So she's a young girl with a japanese name where other people don't have japanese names, is a bumbling idiot yet hasn't been punished by Giovanni, has a shiny super powerful Dusknoir, yet flees from a Growlithe and Officer Jenny, when supposedly she's such a damn good trainer. She then magically gets away, into a forest, happens on a Darkrai as it abandons it's egg.

    The Egg then hatches, and out pops a baby Darkrai- and she was ALL SO PUMPED to HATCH AND TRAIN IT- yet instantly is turned off because it talked, and called her mother! So instead of having a fear of infants and children or something, she's disgusted because oh it talks like a 3/4 yr old, sees her as mother, and it's not even worth enough to turn in to the big man Giovanni? Or a higher up? Or anything?

    Your character is dangerously close to Mary Sue, from conflicting and confusing personality traits and random switches of it, and plot. Your story is below average for attempts of development growth. There is very little here outside LolGirl and LolRai going out while LolGirl supposedly ignores the talking Darkrai and yada yada.

    You were all I needed Darkrai to do something to prevent it from being captured!

    Well.

    Why not it just hatches into a full adult and it stalks her or something. I mean there are more ways to use something like this as a plot device if that's all you're really going to use it for.



    And I find it funny alot of people are calling my reviews full of spite and vinegar, they must be blind when I myself recive worse actions from people that mean their spite.

    And btw- I would really love it if you stopped acting like I'm you're personal Judas. Because I am really finding it so hard to really see how I was So mean when I was pointing out valid flaws, in your story.

    Edit: posted this as ofc this is way to big for VM- and it's still mostly a review anyways.

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    I rarely agree with Yami Ryu. However, she's right. This is an ill conceived story and the character is within a whisper of Suedom. This wasn't even close to her worst reviews.

    Also, anyone who uses the cartoon canon as a defense for their crap should just not bother.

    To be constructive, go back and rethink your entire scenario.

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    Well, I thought I'd stay out of this one, but now I feel compelled to reply.

    In my honest opinion, having a shiny starter, making your trainer a Rocket and a great trainer and that she gets a talking legendary, means that your fic is doomed is absolute claptrap.

    It is a snore if you've read thousands of fics and think of this one along with every other fic you read, but if you isolate the fic and look at it alone, is it really so bad to have all of those things in one person? Personally, I don't think so. In fact, I honestly didn't find the story that bad at all. I don't actually care if her pokemon are shiny or normal or legendary - what matters is how well you logically apply this phemonena in your story. We assume that legandaries and shiny's are rare, because that is what canon tends to suggest and it is generally accepted by the masses as being the rule. They tend not to like being challenged.

    However, how could you make this different? How could this be explained in your fanfic's universe? Remember your fanfic is sent in its own world, in a country with laws, customs and beliefs - perhaps much like (y)our own, perhaps very different. You need to have at least a vague idea of what general rules there are in this universe, and then work your fic with them. This will help keep the base elements in your fic consistent.

    It's all about delivery.

    If there are consistent and logical reasons for shinies to be more common in your story, for example, people deliberately breed them, then say so. She could be a great trainer in some ways, but not in others. Define what is considered 'good'. She's a Rocket? Well, that doesn't really need explanation - it doesn't necessarily matter to the story how she became one, unless you want to make it so. Having a baby legendary is fine. Who's to say a legendary has to be one animal? Look at the legendary dogs, for example. According to one of Entei's pokedex entries, it's born every time a volcano explodes. There's probably a whole colony of the things around the Ring of Fire.

    It's not a stupid idea.

    You don't need to tell everything at once.

    You flesh out the story by describing the actions, not necessarily why.



    The growlithe drama could easily be solved with more description. Describe the chase, think about what the terrain is like, where in the town she is precisely. The outer suburbs at a smaller business area, or the CBD? Perhaps she escaped by vaulting over fences. She could use her pokemon in unique ways to combat this growlithe, without having to stop to battle. The first idea that springs to mind, being some pokemon that knows how to Double Team. Remember to look into what attacks a pokemon can do, and think of ways to use them creatively.

    Be sure you've decided how intelligent or human-like pokemon are.

    Finally, I personally really enjoyed the description of Yuki, and the comedic aspects, where by kicking a rock, it comes right back to bite her. Karma seems to be one of those things, no?

    I also liked the concept of a darkrai imprinting on her. It reminded me of geese. Now in the animal kingdom, it is unlikely for the parents to leave new young to their own devices when they can be easily imprinted at a young age. It defeats its purpose somewhat. What if the baby darkrai saw a psyduck? Imagine the results, then...

    It would be more likely that the female darkrai has already been captured or has died, somehow. The darkrai could have left the 'nest' to hunt.

    Imprinting is, as I understand it, is basically mimicry, and I think that's what you need to keep in mind for this darkrai.

    I didn't particularly like it having a grasp pf 'mama', simply because that means it has to have had an innate understanding of language, and English at that. This is unlikely, unless the pokemon is a psychic (telepathic learning with nearby sentient beings while still in the egg, for example) or if ghost/dark/whatever the heck it is, have some kind of way to learn via the otherworld, or something.

    ...

    Okay, I'm done.

    Love your sig, by the way.
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    Oi! Let the thread die! I can't post the new version as long as this one is on the first page.
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