Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Thanks A Bunch [Pokeshipping&&Anti-Pearlshipping]

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Stuck in past memories.
    Posts
    42

    Default Thanks A Bunch [Pokeshipping&&Anti-Pearlshipping]

    This is a poem dedicated to Pokeshipping [and/or the fail of Pearlshipping]! It's in Dawn's POV. It's a terrible poem, yes I know =P and it probably doesn't portray Dawn the way she is in the anime… but it’s how I want her to feel [it’s fanfic for a reason, right?] And on to the poem…

    Rating: G

    Thanks for everything
    The thoughts,
    The truth,
    The love that you can't return,
    But instead give your friendship.

    The Pokémon.
    You told me you loved them.
    Her.
    It wasn't just one, there were so many of them
    ~even before I came into the picture.
    All your closer friends, but there is the one...
    And I can never match up to her.
    Your love for her is as vast as the sea, oceans,
    All the water on this Earth.

    I've given you all my attention:
    Your first gym battle in Sinnoh,
    ~who cheered you on?
    I did.
    She didn't.
    Who admitted that their dream might've hindered the chances of your own?
    I did.
    Did she?
    Doubt it.
    But, I should stop this-
    The little green monster is coming along...

    So instead of the sadness,
    I thank you with everything I have.
    Thank you for protecting me.
    Thank you for not leaving me.
    Thank you for being the friend I always needed.
    Thank you Ash Ketchum...

    End of Poem.
    Hope you enjoyed it! Also, please review
    Last edited by L0v3 is Evol; 20th May 2009 at 10:18 PM.
    Crystal Rose [Contestshipping]

    Ever notice love is evol spelled backwards?
    And that I and O are next to each other on the keyboard?
    There's also that fact that evol can be the typo of evil.
    And evil is live backwards...wonder what that means... =/?


    I Love You has a numerical vaule of 831.
    Eight letters.
    Three words.
    One meaning.


    Contestshipping+Pokeshipping Ftw =D

    += 831 = May + Drew

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    the Reverse World
    Posts
    4,001

    Default

    This needs a rating at the top of the thread as soon as you can please. ~~

    Anyway, read it while I was here and found it very good. ^^ I like how, even though she's thankful at the end, she's bitter...and that's portrayed VERY well. It's subtle, but noticeable as well.
    The little green monster is coming along..
    Envy...great reference. ^^

    There are a few things that'd note need some changes:

    The love that you can't return,
    But instead give your friendship
    I'd get rid of "But instead..." since you already mentioned the friendship. Or you could cut out the bit about friendship and move it there. Either way, but not both. XD

    So instead of the sadness, I thank you with everything I have.
    I'd separate that line in two, right at the comma.

    Thank you for protecting me against the evils of this world
    Would cut out "against the evils of this world"...only because I found it wordy and took a bit away from the resolution Dawn's coming to at the end.

    Sorry...I attended a poem editing group this semester. XD I think this poem is very well-done, as said, and you get the point across very well. Dawn is pretty IC, as well, another plus.
    Keep up the great work. ^^
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

    Encyclopika:
    Made the banner
    Is a GIRL. >.>;;
    Has a deviantART account and a Tumblr
    Is on Fanfiction.net.
    Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest? PM me!
    Don't reply to my infractions. It's not gonna change anything.

    Random friend requests do nothing. Let's actually talk first. >_<

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,099

    Default

    I haven't seen a lot of shippy poems around here lately, so this was a cool change.

    In the first stanza, I think the but insn't needed and helps with the ranting flow a lot better.

    In the second stanza, Ash is kinda portrayed like a cheater and a pokephile. That did come across as a little odd to me, because I can't imagine Ash in the anime as a womaniser, but's your poem. I liked the way you underlined "her" it shows the strong envy and gives it impact. With a tint of sadness from Dawn wanting to be Ash's one.

    The third stanza made me feel a bit sorry for Dawn for feeling that her efforts have gone to nothing. But also makes me think about the times where MIsty has been there for Ash, showing the contradiction in the stanza. I think it's this stanza that makes the biggest impact in the poem.

    I think the last stanza closed up everything well.


    ☆ Maya Fey: Ace Pokemon Trainer
    Carry On, BlisseyThe Other King☆
    Advancers Tumblr
    Banner by Sworn Metalhead at Dćdric Design ✠

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Stuck in past memories.
    Posts
    42

    Default

    Thanks for the reviews

    Quote Originally Posted by Encyclopika View Post
    Dawn is pretty IC, as well, another plus.
    Yay! Lol, when I first wrote it, I thought She's so OOC ._.' So I'm happyy about that

    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    In the second stanza, Ash is kinda portrayed like a cheater and a pokephile.
    About that... I meant the fact Dawn knew that Ash has been travelling with other girls [Misty and May] long before she came into the picture, was what I was trying to show. Which led to Dawn blowing that info up into bigger proportions.

    In addition, I wanted to show a kind of "blind-anger" sort of thing, in which Dawn only sees it as Ash not giving her any attention... Therefore Ash would be a pokephile [lol XD] in Dawn's view.

    Yupp so thanks again
    Crystal Rose [Contestshipping]

    Ever notice love is evol spelled backwards?
    And that I and O are next to each other on the keyboard?
    There's also that fact that evol can be the typo of evil.
    And evil is live backwards...wonder what that means... =/?


    I Love You has a numerical vaule of 831.
    Eight letters.
    Three words.
    One meaning.


    Contestshipping+Pokeshipping Ftw =D

    += 831 = May + Drew

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •