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Thread: Here comes a legend! (PG)

  1. #1
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    Default Here comes a legend! (PG)

    Here comes a legend!

    This Fanfic will have no blood or deaths and is suitable for ages 8 and over.
    I hope this will be a successful fic and i'd like some comments and advice.

    My PM list:

    None ATM

    Chapter bookcase!

    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3


    Chapter 1
    *-----*-----*-----*

    "Get up Callum, you'll be late!" my mum cried.

    "Be late for what?" I moaned, still half asleep.

    " It's your birthday... and you'll be getting your first Pokémon off of Professor Juniper!" my mum said as she ran down the stairs excitedly.

    "OH! I totally forgot about that!" I shouted to myself as I jumped out of bed and sprinted towards my drawers. I opened up the top drawer which was full of T-shirts and grabbed the first one I saw. It had a pokeball in the centre with a Tepig at the side. My favorite Pokémon was Tepig. I quickly slammed the top drawer as I stretched the T-shirt over my head. Once it was on I dragged open the drawer below the top one and grabbed a pair of joggers then I quickly jumped over to my bed and pulled the joggers up over my legs.

    Once I was fully dressed I ran over to the window then pulled back the curtains to see the view of the garden!.

    "What a nice day to be gifted a Pokémon from the professor," I said as I stared at a Pidove flying past Nuvema town. I drew back from the curtains and turned 180 degrees. I immediately headed towards the stairs. I stepped down the stairs and at the bottom I turned and faced the dining room and found my breakfast sitting at my place at the table.

    I walked over and sat on my seat at my place at the table. I looked at my plate and seen toast, eggs and beans.

    "I made your breakfast early this morning Hun, because I knew you'd need to pack before you went on your amazing journey," said my mum frying her breakfast.

    "Thanks," I replied.

    She walked over to the sofa and sat down with the breakfast still sizzling away. She leaned over and picked up the remote from the little table. She pressed on the power button and the TV came on.

    "Yes, I think the newly trainers will love their first Pokémon. After time they'll bond well and become masters," said Professor Juniper on the TV screen.

    "Look there talking about getting your new Pokémon Callum!" my mum shouted out.

    "Ye, I heard that, I can't wait," I replied back.

    Sometime later...

    I took my last crunch into my crispy toast.

    "I'm going to pack now mum," I said.

    "Ok I left some items up there on the table in your room for you to use on your new Pokémon," my mum explained to me.

    "Ok, I’ll be sure to pack them into my rucksack," I said as i ran upstairs and into my room. I found the items sitting on the table as my mum had told me. So I crouched down beside my bed and pulled out my rucksack. It had 6 apartments. I put the items in the biggest part as they were quite big.

    Once I had packed everything I swung my bag behind my back and caught it with the other arm and quickly pulled it up to lay on my shoulders. I ran down the stairs with the items rattling in my bag. I ran over to my mum and gave her a great big hug.

    "Oh, Callum, please take care," My mum cried as a tear ran down her cheek.

    "I will," I said with a demanded voice.

    My mum let go of the hug and said goodbye as i walked over and opened the door. I stepped out and felt the fresh heat of the air. I ran over to my friend Jamie's house and knocked on the door. After about 10 seconds the door swung open and his dad stepped out. (Jamie's dad was a really nice person, he even let us see him in a Pokémon battle. His name was Gary).

    "Em sorry to bother you but is Jamie here?" I asked nicely.

    "Sorry, he isn't: He is already at the laboratory getting his Pokémon off of the professor," said Gary.

    "Eh ok, cya," I said as i rushed away from the door and ran towards the lab.

    As I reached the lab I walked nervously into the building.

    "Ah, finally," cried out Professor Juniper.

    I sprinted over and stopped finding myself beside Jamie.

    "Are you excited Callum?" Jamie whispered.

    "You bet!" I replied.

    "So you both know why your here don’t you both? You're here for your first ever Pokémon," said the Professor.

    But first you'll need these.

    As she picked them up and handed us them we were staring at a red mechanical Pokémon machine.

    "What is it and what is it for?" I asked totally confused.

    "It's called a Pokedex, it's an invention that when you battle a Pokémon you've never seen before it will register it in the list of Pokémon. I want you to see and catch all 156 Pokémon; although it is a challenge this will make you a successful Pokémon master and trainer," Explained the Professor.

    "Yes, it will take long but we'll do anything to be the best we can," I said.

    "Now to get your first Pokémon! Callum, you pick first."

    "Ok" I said as i walked over to the table with the three Pokémon sitting on it.

    "I'm going to take Tepig Professor," I said.

    He was my favorite starter after all.

    "Here's the pokeball for him," she replied.

    She threw me it and I caught it tightly. I held it towards the Tepig and said "Tepig, come into the pokeball". The suddenly it zapped into the pokeball. "I’m going to call him, Blaze," I said.

    "Great name," said the professor.

    "Thanks," I replied.

    Jamie picked his Pokémon which was an Oshawott and called it Bubbles.

    "Ok boys, time to start your journey!"

    "I'll battle you once I’ve trained my Oshawott," said Jamie excitedly.

    So Jamie ran out of the lab to start training as I walked towards the door playing with my Pokedex trying to figure out how to use it. I stepped out the door and headed towards route 1 to train my Pokémon.
    Last edited by millarc3005; 28th August 2011 at 4:50 PM.

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  2. #2
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    Hello. I just have a few comments I'd like to make before I go in-depth. I have to be honest, this fic isn't really showing much originality. I assume you have a plan for a more in-depth adventure than just a Unova story, as there are already 2-3.

    "Be late for what?" I moaned as i was still half asleep.
    Just a little thing, the "I" is un-capitalized.

    "Eh; it's your birthday... and you'll be getting your first Pokémon off of Professor Juniper!" my mum said as she ran down the stairs excitedly.
    Okay, the speech just kind of bothers me here. "Eh; it's your birthday..." It's not really the time for an "eh" or a semi-colon. The "getting your first pokemon off of..." thing sounds kind of street-ish which is a weird thing for a parent.

    I opened up the top drawer which was full of T-shirts and grabbed the first one I seen.
    Improper grammar, try "...grabbed the first one I saw."

    Once I was fully dressed I ran over to the window then pulled back the curtains to see the view of the garden!
    Exclamation Mark?

    I stepped down the stairs and at the bottom i turned and faced the dining room and found my breakfast sitting at my place at the table.

    I walked over and sat on my seat at my place at the table. I looked at my plate and seen toast, eggs and beans.
    Again, there is the uncapitalized "I" and this part, "...walked over and sat on my seat at my place at the table" sounds sort of like a Dr. Seuss rhyme, on my, at my, at the...

    These are just the first few things I've seen. I've seen quite a few more, so you might want to proofread to make the overall experience more enjoyable.

    I'm looking to read more to see how the story progresses.
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  3. #3
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    Ok thanks for enjoying it and thanks for advice, i'll change the mistakes right now. And yes this isn't going to be a normal journey, there are going to be mysteries that have to be solved.
    Last edited by millarc3005; 13th August 2011 at 8:49 AM.

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    Default Chapter 2

    Chapter 2
    *-----*-----*-----*

    As I reached the tall grass I had my pokemon at the ready. I walked through some of the grass then all of a sudden a lillipup jumped out. I was pretty nervous since it was my first ever battle but my confidence grew strong and then i shouted "Blaze, use tackle." He did what he was told and struck at the lillipup. The lillipup flew into the air with the impact of the rough tackle. Once it had landed, it struggled to get back up but it did. The lillipup quickly ran towards Blaze and was about to use quick attack. "Dodge it Blaze!" I shouted. Blaze had just managed to escape the speedy quick attack. Without a moment to spare i shouted out to Blaze "That was great, now use another tackle!" *BAM* It had hit and made the lillipup faint. Blaze must of enjoyed our battle because he was smiling.

    As we continued the first part of the journey Blaze was loving the scenery. As we finished another couple of battles Jamie sprinted back heading straight for us. He haulted about 3 yards away. Now it's time to have a battle!" he shouted.

    "Ok, i accept your challenge," I replied.

    I kneeled down beside Blaze and told him to do his best whilst Jamie walked further away to give the pokemon some space. As I was talking, Blaze turned around and used Ember on a tree.

    "Wow I never knew you could use ember, but we dont really need that move here as his pokemon's a water type," I said.

    Tepig sobbed.

    "It's ok, I'll let you use it another time," I said back to Blaze

    "Are you ready now Callum?" yelled Jamie.

    "Of course!" I yelled back.

    "Go Blaze!" I shouted as Jamie yelled "Come on out Bubbles!"

    Both of the pokemon walked onto the battlefield. They stared at each other hard then all of a sudden Jamie shouted out "Come he's weak against water, use Bubble!" It hit Blaze without me doing anything. Tepig still stood up (Slightly dazed by the attack). "Come on Blaze, this is tough," I said. "Quickly put all you've got into a tackle!" I demanded. "Quickly do-" yelled Jamie, but he was to late it had already hit Bubbles. Bubbles was getting weaker. "Come on, a quick tail whip then a tackle Blaze!" He had done it astonishingly quick and with a full blast of tackle Jamies oshawott was out for the count. "Good game Callum, I'm gonna train some more seeya!" shouted jamie. "Yeah you too," I whispered as he had already dashed away.

    I kneeled down again and brought in Blaze. "You done great again," I said, very proudly. "Tep- Tepig!" Said Blaze.

    "Callum! I forgot to tell you something," Professor Juniper cried out.

    I turned round with a surprise and walked over to the Professor with Blaze by my side.

    "Callum I forgot to tell you how to catch a pokemon. I'll show you just now," She said.

    She walked into the grass with me following her. She walked a bit further in and a patrat jumped out.

    "Ok, so what you want to do is lower it's health by attacking the opponent in mind that you can't catch other trainers pokemon. I'll throw out my Minccino to show you how to catch it," she explained.

    She threw out her pokeball and the Minccino zapped out. I took out my Pokedex and looked at it's data.

    After i looked I put away the pokedex and watched the Professor catch the patrat.

    "So now use tackle, Minccino," said the professor.

    The minccino done what it had been demanded to do.

    "So now we throw a pokeball, you just throw it at the pokemon and it will shake inside, if you have caught it the pokeball will stop shaking, if you havn't the pokemon will pop back out of the pokeball. So here it goes," She explained again.

    She threw one pokeball and it opened up and covered the patrat, it shook 3 times then stopped shaking.

    "So that's basically how you do it, oh and before I forget, here's some pokeballs."

    She handed me 5 pokeballs and then I immediately put them in my rucksack.

    "So take care Callum," She said.

    "I will," I replied as the professor turned and walked back to the lab.

    Me and Blaze battled a couple more times but didn't catch any pokemon. Once we got to the end of route 1 we stepped into a town called Accumula town. We rushed over to the pokecenter straight away as Blaze needed some medicine.

    As we were coming out of the Pokecenter we seen Professor Juniper talking to someone who looked a bit odd. We walked over to see what was going on.
    Last edited by millarc3005; 21st August 2011 at 4:48 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    Chapter 2
    *-----*-----*-----*

    I walked through some of the grass then all of a sudden a lillipup jumped out. I was pretty nervous since it was my first ever battle but my confidence grew strong and then i shouted "Blaze, use tackle." He did what he was told and struck at the lillipup. The lillipup flew into the air with the impact of the rough tackle. Once it had landed, it struggled to get back up but it did. The lillipup quickly ran towards Blaze and was about to use quick attack. "Dodge it Blaze!" I shouted. Blaze had just managed to escape the speedy quick attack. Without a moment to spare i shouted out to Blaze "That was great, now use another tackle!" *BAM* It had hit and made the lillipup faint. Blaze must of enjoyed our battle because he was smiling.
    Ok now, first of all, this needs more description. As far as I see, this paragraph is about Callum fighting a lillipup. It's ok, but try to spread it out by using a few more descriptive sentences.

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    As we had finished another couple of battles Jamie sprinted back heading straight for us. He haulted about 3 yards away. Now it's time to have a battle," he said.
    Well now, another paragraph that needs a bit more fixing up.

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    As i was talking, Blaze turned round and use Ember on a tree.
    *As I was talking, Blaze turned around and used Ember on a tree.

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    Both of the pokemon walked onto the battlefield. They stared at each other hard. Then all of a sudden, Jamie shouted out "Come he's weak against water, use Bubble!" It hit Blaze without me doing anything. Tepig still stood up (slightly dazed by the attack). "Come on Blaze, this is tough," I said. "Quickly, put all you've got into a tackle!" I demanded. "Quickly do-" yelled Jamie, but he was to late it had already hit Bubbles. Bubbles was getting weaker. "Come on, a quick tail whip then a tackle Blaze!" He had done it astonishingly quick and with a full blast of tackle Jamies oshawott was out for the count. "Good game Callum, I'm gonna train some more seeya!" shouted jamie. "Yeah you too," I whispered as he had already dashed away.
    I'll just make the fixes in bold here. Although it's a great paragraph, this is the kind that needs to be more spread out and maybe just a touch of description.


    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    She threw out her pokeball and the Minccino zapped out. I took out my Pokedex and looked at it's data.
    You... are going to tell us what the pokedex said right?

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    if you havn't the pokemon will pop back out of the pokemon. So here it goes," She explained again.
    I think you mean pokeball.


    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    Me and Blaze battled a couple more times but didn't catch any pokemon. Once we got to the end of route 1 we stepped into a town called Accumula town. We rushed over to the pokecenter straight away as Blaze needed some medicine.
    Once again, a paragraph that'll need a bit more description.


    So anyways, overall not so bad. Just add a few sentences here and there and you'll be good. Also I can't wait to see N and Ghetsis in this story.
    Last edited by Garch0mp0utrage; 21st August 2011 at 1:42 PM.
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  6. #6
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    Ok thanks for the help, i'll edit the mistakes later.

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    Chapter 3
    *-----*-----*-----*

    He seemed to have green hair and was wearing a scruffy white T-shirt with grey-brownish trousers which were ripped in some parts. He also had had his hood up over his head with his hair just peeping out.. As I approached the Professor and the oddly looking man he fled as if in a hurry.

    “Ah there you are Callum,” said the professor.

    “Eh yeah, just one question. I’m not being rude or anything but who was that you were chatting too?” I said.

    “I don’t really know; I’ve never seen him before. He was talking about a so called ‘Team Plasma’ and about them trying to help Pokémon get freedom, I think he means that they want to separate Pokémon from their trainers,” The professor replied.

    “But we trainers love Pokémon, and the Pokémon love us too. I’ll stop that Team Plasma from taking trainer’s Pokémon!” I cried as the professor looked at my frustrated face.

    “Well I hope you stop them from causing misery to Pokémon and their trainers, meanwhile I have to get back to the laboratory to do some research,” she said, starting to plod away.

    Blaze looked at me totally confused. I looked down at him and explained the situation…

    “Blaze, we need to stop Team Plasma from taking away Pokémon from their trainers. So I need you to try your best.”

    “Tep-Tepig,” he replied.

    “Ok, let’s go then!” I shouted confidently.

    Me and Blaze walked over towards route 1 and seen the oddly looking man. He pulled his hood down and revealed his face.

    “Are you the boy who was speaking to the professor?” He said.

    I looked round and seen no one else replying to his question so I turned back and faced him.

    “Yes… it was me,” I said whilst feeling a little tingle in my throat.

    “I overheard you and Juniper talking about stopping Team Plasma from setting Pokémon free. You see, that’s not going to happen!” said the man.

    “You’re part of Team Plasma?” I said meaning to butt in.

    “Yes! I, N am the leader of Team Plasma,” He said menacingly.

    “Well I don’t want to help you, I want to stop you so Lets Battle!” I shouted really forcibly.

    “I’ll go easy on you by using my worst Pokémon then,” He said trying to act smart.

    “Go Blaze!” I shouted

    N held his pokeball out and shouted “Go Purloin!”

    The Pokémon zapped out and stood with a swagger. The Purloin and Blaze growled at each other as if wanting to just beat each other up.

    “Go use a tackle then an ember, Blaze,” Blaze hit Purloin with the tackle and then he started to use ember.

    “Quickly, dodge ember purloin!” N shouted!

    It did with full agility. The speed was amazing.

    “Quickly Blaze: use ember!” I shouted.

    The strength was so powerful it knocked out the poor purloin leaving its eyes like spirals.

    “Ok, you beat me but so what, I was going easy on you,” N said with a smirk.

    “Yeah right!” I shouted in reply!

    “Well, you might have beat me this time but I’ll be back to defeat you!” he said already starting to flee away from my view.

    Me and Blaze started to walk through 2 still thinking about our last battle. We knew we had to something about Team Plasma but how?

    We collected some dropped items along the way. We also had a couple of more battles (We won all of the battles). One was against a ranger. He was using a patrat and it was pretty easy to beat. Another was a youngster called michael. He used a pidove with we defeated with an ember that blaze used. A little later we reached the town with the first gym in it: Striaton City. I stumbled on a rock as I started to take my first steps into the city.

    “Ouch, that was sore!” I yelled.

    I started to regain the strength in my foot and continued to walk further into the city. I ran over to the gym with blaze. It had a big sign on top but there was a man blocking the entrance. I walked up the three steps to reach the man but as soon as I reached the top he asked:

    “Do you have your training school pass?”

    “No. What’s it for?” I said in reply.

    “Well, you need to it to continue on and enter the gyms. Unfortunately, without one you can’t challenge the leader,” he said with a quiet voice.

    “Well, how and where do I get one?” I said with a puzzled face.

    “You get it at the training school just right from here. There will be a sign in front of the building telling you that that is it”

    “Ok, thanks. I’ll be sure to go there. I’ll come back when I’ve got it,” I said whilst running back down the steps.

    “Ok, good luck at your training,” he shouted making a position for his back to lean against the wall.

    I ran over to an old looking building and seen some other trainers wandering in. I saw the sign and knew this was the school. I opened the door and stepped. I glared at everyone sitting at tables doing work. I suddenly turned round and seen Jamie at the chalkboard writing down type weaknesses. I walked over and tapped him on the shoulder.
    Last edited by millarc3005; 30th August 2011 at 7:58 AM.

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  8. #8
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    Hey Millarc, would you mind if i do something similar? Ive had an idea for a story and have been wanting to get it down and figured serebii would be better on paper for now.

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    Well as long as it doesnt copy my names and what happens. And the storyline of course.

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  10. #10
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    Awesome, another chapter! It looks pretty interesting overall, but I think I spotted a few errors here and there.

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    He seemed to have green hair and was wearing a white T-shirt with grey-brownish trousers. He also had had his hood up over his head.
    This is ok, but I don't really like how you made really short. N's appearence should be.... I dunno, dramatic. btw, how can you tell what color his hair is if it's covered by a hood? I dunno, I think you just overlooked that :P
    btw, just a comment. N in some fanfics and even the game itself is considered to be a boy of 17 or so. I'm not quite sure exactly, but it would give him a better charicterization if you made him maybe just a bit younger or somthin..

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    “Are you the boy who was walking over to the professor as I ran away?” He said.
    ok ok, like I said before, not dramatic enough. In truth, I think it's kind of awkward how he says this, simply because it doesn't make any sense. Make N say something more like this...

    "Are you that boy who spoke with the professor? What is your name?"

    Go ahead and use that if you want. Also, I'm not sure if this would have any effect in your story, but N claims he can talk to Pokemon. It'd be pretty cool if you could have him try to have a nice little discussion between him and tepig.

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    "Well, I’ll seeya later and I’ll be back to defeat you!” he said already starting to flee away from my view.
    I dunno, N sounds kinda... friendly? I guess it's because he says "seeya" at an untimely moment lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    We collected some dropped items along the way. We also had a couple of more battles (We won all of the battles).
    You can't describe any battles for us?


    Well, if you could add a few more paragraphs and more description, this fic would be awesome. Anyways, good chapter. Better description, a bit better charicterization and even an awesome vs. N moment for us! You should have Callum learn a lot in the trainer's school, make a better charicterization of him and his pokemon.
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    Thanks for the help again. I'll edit it straight away.

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    Dont worry, it wont, Ive got my own plans for my story, It is set in Unova but thats probably the only similarity between ours, your welcomed to check it out too! heres the link for easy access: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=539015
    I hope you like it, a new chapter is added once a day, everyday.

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    Well as long as it doesnt copy my names and what happens. And the storyline of course.

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