Results 1 to 16 of 16

Thread: *`Sea eyes' * (Advanceshipping Rated PG )

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Vancouver: yes I'm one of them
    Posts
    85

    Wink *`Sea eyes' * (Advanceshipping Rated PG )

    Hey everyone! this is my first one shot so please tell me if it's good or not..
    oh and just in case...
    Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon and all other characters.

    ( by the way: it's May's POV )
    __________________________________________________ _________________

    I always thought why I loved him. I mean other then his caring personality and his
    Patience for Pokemon, I always wondered what else did I like about him. I would tell my mother
    About this but all she’ll say is. ‘ Honey, that’s for you to find out! ‘

    I leaned back into the cherry tree, where I sat looking after my brother playing around the field with the others. An breeze picked up, rustling the petals and leaves from above. It swirled around me, playing with my hair, and filling the space with an lovely aroma. I smiled, closing my eye’s and inhaled the crisp air.

    Really, I never got the chance to sit back and relax often. With all the training and contests going on, especially when Team Rocket swoops around and try's to steel our Pokemon, I’ve been pretty busy. My mind was slowly going into innocuousness, drifting into an picture appearing inside my head.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It was a beach, probably somewhere on the coast of hoen. I was there, my feet under the sand. The sounds were calming and relaxing, the waves rolling out to sea, the sea breeze twirling the sand and trees. It was a beautiful sight. Everything looked so real, I would of thought of grabbing a handful of sand and let it fall through my fingers.

    “ Hey May check this out!” yelled an Ravened hair boy. He Ran to me something grasped in his hands, a smile on his face. I stared at him, not knowing what he was talking about. He halted, catching his breath,
    “ May, I found this cool looking shell! Check it out!” He placed it on my ear, allowing me to hear the hallow wind floating inside it. “ I found it over there” Ash pointed west, to the cliff touching the ocean’s mouth. “ Can you believe how pretty it is?”

    I giggled, “ It is Ash! You know people say the noise inside the shell is suppose to be the ocean”
    His eye’s widened with gauze, the corners of his lips stretching further. I sat down on the sandy floor to the sunset barely touching the oceans waves. He set himself next to me in the direction.

    “ Hey, may can I ask you something?”

    “ Hmm?”

    Ash glanced up to me, his hazel eye’s holding mine. I flushed at the sudden energy that circuited my body. He tilted his head, still holding my gaze, “ Why do you love the ocean?”

    I bit my lip, searching the spaces in my brain to find an answer, “ Maybe… Maybe because it’s where I can let myself go.” He arched an eyebrow. “ Like, the setting is so relaxing and calm. I could just close my eyes and listen to the waves for hours, let my mind run freely. I guess… I know I can’t do that when I’m in contests with all the pressure on my mind. Here I could just dream and think without no one disturbing me.”

    He looked down, his eyebrows creasing, his expression saying he was thinking. I just stared, waiting for his response. His head snapped up, an twinkle in his eye’s, “ You know what May? I think I know what you mean!” He jumped up, an fist in the air.
    “ You could do anything! Cause’ here, it makes you feel like you could do what you want without feeling embarrassed about it! I like it because it makes you feel like a kid.” My eye widened, stunned by what ash just said. He smiled and sat back down again, “ I’m I right May? I’m I?”

    I nodded, returning to the view of the sea. Yeah, I wished that was true. That I could tell his and not feel embarrassed by it. I wished…

    “You know May, your eye’s remind me of the ocean.”

    I turned to his, my cheeks heating up, “ What?!”

    He leaned back on his elbows, still staring at the sun setting behind the horizon.
    “ Yeah, the ocean. Your pretty lucky if you ask me, to have such beautiful eyes, like the sea. Maybe that’s why you love it, because your eyes. I know I- “ He removed his sight from the sea, back to me. My blush was boiling now, same with the feeling that was roaring inside my heart. He laughed, and hung his head.

    “ I’m sorry! I’m making you blush!”

    My hand quickly covered them, my lips pouting in embarrassment, “ I’m not blushing…”

    He rolled his eye’s , propping back up in his normal position. He tilted his head again, and laid it on his hand, “ I wonder how I’m making you blush.” He puzzled for a second, before continuing,
    “ Is it because I said your eye’s were beautiful?”

    “ no”

    “ That it reminded me of the ocean?”

    “ N-no?”

    Ash frowned, deciding something. I arched a eyebrow, curious what he was thinking.
    “ I’m… making you uncomfortable. I think I should go then.” He sprung up, and began to walk away.

    I jumped up surprised, my hands waving in front of me, “ ASH NO! NO COME BACK PLEASE! I’M SORRY, YOUR NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG! COME BA-“

    A hand pulled me forward, causing me to stumble into something. I looked up, seeing an laughing Ash who pulled my wrist. He embraced me in a hug and rustled the top of my hair, “ Jeez May, I won’t go if you don’t want me to, relax! You looked like I was going to leave you and never see you again! You must really not want me to leave you! Hahaha!”

    I pouted and looked down to my feet, “ That’s not true! I-I didn’t look like that! I just don’t want you to leave me alone! That’s it!” He rolled his eye’s and grinned. I didn’t like that look in his eye’s, so I stepped back. He stepped forward hovering me.

    “ Please tell me May… Why were you blushing? I’m just itching to know.” I shook my head, eye’s narrowing to him. “ Please May! I wont laugh” his hands, grasped mine, bringing me closer to him.
    “ Pretty Please?”

    I blanked out. Oh what’s going on? I can’t leave now! He’s waiting for an answer! AAH! I guess I HAVE to tell him… oh boy. I returned back into my reality and sighed,
    “ When you said that my eye’s where like the ocean, and were beautiful… I thought that I couldn’t be like the ocean! It’s so grand and amazing! That’s not me, I’m not Grand nor beautiful. I’m just… Average.”

    I closed my eye’s, the feeling of tears overwhelming me. They ran over the rim of my eye, flowing down my cheeks; just like a river. Then Ash did something that I would of thought would seem shocking. His finger brushed up against my left cheek, wiping a tear that was flowing down. He lifted my chin, so I would face him, my eye’s fluttered open, my vision blurry from the tears. He frowned, an sign of anger in his eye’s. I froze, afraid of this man in front of me.

    “ May Maple, you are NOT average! You are the most loveist woman I have ever laid eye’s on. Don’t you EVER say that your not beautiful, your not grand. Because what I see, is an angle who’s fallen from the havens and landed on earth, who’s smile could make everyone love her, who’s voice is like chiming bells. What I see May, Is you. The first time you laughed and said hello, I fell for you.”

    I gasped, a new wave of tears flowing. He loves me? He loves me! I couldn’t handle myself, I embraced him, hugging his chest, my tears soaking his shirt. I gasped a couple times, and snuggled myself into him. His eye’s where now, a deep chocolate color, full of compassion and love. I had to say it was like looking into a god’s eye. He pushed me back a little and brought his face inches from mine. I wanted so bad to just kiss him, to let him know I loved him back.

    “ Did you know that? I always loved you. Maybe you are angle…”

    I leaned closer to him, “ I don’t think I am. But I guess you could say that. I always wanted to tell you that I lov-“

    His lips cut me from my words, his hand curled around my chin. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my lips pushing back to his. It felt so wonderful, like I WAS kissing an angle. He parted, laying his forehead against mine, breathless. I smiled, looking up to him.

    He grinned, “ I know… I just liked to watch you blush”
    I smiled and hugged him again.

    “ MAY!MAY!MAY!MAY!” the faint sound buzzed in my head. It sounded familiar… Max?
    “ MAY YOU LAZY HEAD WAKE UP!!” yeah it was max… MAX!

    My eye’s flashed open, my body springing up in shock, “ What time is it?”

    “ 5:35”

    I glanced next to me to see Ash on the floor setting next to where I was. He got up and smile,
    “ You were asleep for about 2 hours… Max was getting worried so I looked for you. Then I found you sleeping by this cherry tree. I stayed here in till max came. Brock said that dinner was almost done by the way.”

    My brother turned away from us and headed back to camp, “ Hurry up you lazy head! I’m starving!”
    I growled, just ready to pounce on him and smack him.

    Ash nudged my shoulder, “ What were you dreaming about May? You were smiling when you slept”

    I flushed and looked up at the tree’s flowers, “ Nothing… just the ocean”

    “ Oh that’s right, you love the ocean! I wonder why though..”

    I smiled and punched his shoulder playfully, “ I’ll tell you sometime…”
    __________________________________________________ ______________
    YAY!!! So I know it was OOC the whole time but… ehh, what ya gonna do?
    So R&R and thank you for reading!
    - XxMaysxflowerxX
    (Image by PD+)Click below to see my fic!! ( Advance with a hint off Pokeshipping!!! )
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...0#post10007400

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Nowhere near You
    Posts
    238

    Default

    I would usually opt to keep my dignity but I can't help it...that was adorable. Just too perfect.

    The only issues I have are grammatical ones. You've missed out a few commas and capitalizations here and there; just go through it once or twice. Fabulous one-shot though. If May had feelings like that for Ash (and vice-versa), then her dream was very real. In character-ness is just that good.

    I need to stop ranting now. Keep up the good work!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    It's a Party in the USA!!
    Posts
    56

    Default

    Awwwwwww that was too cute!!!! I just wanna squeal now, but I am going to review this professionally. -waits a few seconds- Aw who likes being professional, *squeals*!! *coughs* Anyways that was an AWESOME one-shot. There were only a few spelling issues but nothing major. In my opinion you have a bright future ahead (unless you've already written fics) in the wrinting buisness

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Unknown.
    Posts
    89

    Default

    loved it!Loved it!Slighty ever so slighty sad when I realise it was a dream,but its a one-shot so it dosent matter.Just loved the shippyness,and as advance4ev said its so cute!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Vancouver: yes I'm one of them
    Posts
    85

    Default

    Thanks everyone!
    - tears up -
    your all so n-nice! This was my first one-shot and I'm glad it came out okay!
    - smiles -
    thank you all!
    (Image by PD+)Click below to see my fic!! ( Advance with a hint off Pokeshipping!!! )
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...0#post10007400

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Unknown.
    Posts
    89

    Default

    Oh hey,just came by because I forgot to rate this thread and its rated now. (I gave it 5,obvious this one shot sooo deserves it)Ever think of possibly turning this into a two shot?Then again theres nothing to really continue on to..your such an idiot why bother suggesting?!?anyways this is still an awesome one shot and always will be
    Pokemon pearl freind code: 4511-7516-4862

    Check out XxMays_FlowerxX's AMAZING story (in progress!)
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=404677
    And her SUPER-COOL-AWESOME oneshot!!
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=403481

    Advance4ev is my best bud! ^^

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Rising
    Posts
    1,813

    Default

    To the above poster, actually there might be something to build on for a twoshot. At the end, May says she'll tell Ash why she loves the sea so much sometime. Just something to think about.
    "I'm fighting because there's a battle to be fought, Archer. I'm fighting to win. That's all."
    "Hm. Alright, Rin. You are indeed my ideal Master. There is no one else I could hope to serve."



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Unknown.
    Posts
    89

    Default

    Interesting eon,although right now I'm sure mays flower is more concerned with her chappie,but dont abonden two-shot idea >.>
    Pokemon pearl freind code: 4511-7516-4862

    Check out XxMays_FlowerxX's AMAZING story (in progress!)
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=404677
    And her SUPER-COOL-AWESOME oneshot!!
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=403481

    Advance4ev is my best bud! ^^

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Rising
    Posts
    1,813

    Default

    Yeah, I know that, I just think she should consider it when she has time.
    "I'm fighting because there's a battle to be fought, Archer. I'm fighting to win. That's all."
    "Hm. Alright, Rin. You are indeed my ideal Master. There is no one else I could hope to serve."



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    In Solidary Training
    Posts
    335

    Default

    Very very well done! I must say, I usually don't read one-shots because of their cheesyness, but this one was great! Loved it the whole way through. But, as Earthborn said, you did have many gramar mistakes, and sometimes it took some of the meaning out of the story because of its distraction, but otherwise, it was well done. Well done indeed! If you don't mind by the way, I'd like you to review my story as well, and see what you think!
    3DS Friend Code: 2079-6549-2981
    "Let's trade and battle!" - *message me first*
    I am a shadow, I seek the ways of Hadou.
    I'll have you know, I am a Lucario.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Unova
    Posts
    331

    Default

    Loved it!!it was sooo cute!
    Too bad it was a dream.
    really good for a one shot.
    also as Earthborn said,A bit of Grammer mistakes.

    'What I wanted to protect.. . was you, Ichigo.' -Tensa Zangetsu

    Lieutenant of Squad 7.
    Join the Bleach Club!

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Earth, previously Gallifrey
    Posts
    404

    Default

    First, Mays_Flower, there are some words misspelled, but I'll get to that later.
    The story itself is pretty awesome, it's very beautiful, and it doesn't seem out of character.
    Something you could do is place it "in time", you know, you could choose an episode that fits the desciptopn of the fic.

    If you need help with that, let me know.

    About those misspellings, I hereby offer myself to be your betareader. What is a betareader, you say? Well, basically, a betareader reads other people's fics searching for errors, inconsistencies and misspellings and fixes them.

    You can go to my profile and ask for my help if you need to.

    *looks up* Wow, long review/post.

    Sincerely,

    Sp1derp1g
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
    New York Times 4-8-2016

    Write it down on your calendars.


    We're experiencing technical diFICculties,
    Please stand by.


    While I'm gone, I'm gonna read the whole of AmourShipping thread. Wish me luck.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    In a house
    Posts
    1

    Default

    This is great!!! I LOVE your stories!!!!!

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,388

    Default

    Hmm, i think i shall review this since i don't do them often yet read any advanceshipping fics aften as well.

    Really, I never got the chance to sit back and relax often. With all the training and contests going on, especially when Team Rocket swoops around and try's to steal our Pokemon, I’ve been pretty busy. My mind was slowly going into innocuousness, drifting into an picture appearing inside my head.
    steel = Steal

    It was a beach, probably somewhere on the coast of hoenn.
    Hoen = Hoenn

    “ Hey May check this out!” yelled an ravened hair boy. He ran to me something grasped in his hands, a smile on his face. I stared at him, not knowing what he was talking about. He halted, catching his breath,
    Only use capitla letters for names, places and important objects, ravened and ran shouldn't be in capitals unless they are a name of a person.

    His eyes widened with gauze, the corners of his lips stretching further. I sat down on the sandy floor to the sunset barely touching the oceans waves. He set himself next to me in the direction.
    eye's = eyes. the way you wrote eye's was like eye's toy (eg) i mean you wrote like eye's had a object in the story but wasn't there. yeah, its a common mistake.

    “You could do anything! Cause’ here, it makes you feel like you could do what you want without feeling embarrassed about it! I like it because it makes you feel like a kid.” My eyes widened, stunned by what Ash just said. He smiled and sat back down again, I’m I right May? I’m I?”
    Capital with names and the eye's issue again.

    He rolled his eye’s , propping back up in his normal position. He tilted his head again, and laid it on his hand, “ I wonder how I’m making you blush.” He puzzled for a second, before continuing,“Is it because I said your eye’s were beautiful?”

    “No.” I denied as my blush started to grow more brighter.

    “That it reminded me of the ocean?” Ash repeated.

    “N-no?” I denied once again with a shake of my head. trying to convince Ash.
    Try to add more detail with the speaches so the story can be more interesting to read. just putting "No." is like saying it without expression. kinda sounds slighty boring?

    “ May Maple, you are NOT average! You are the most loveliest woman I have ever laid eyes on. Don’t you EVER say that your not beautiful, your not grand. Because what I see, is an angle who’s fallen from the heavens and landed on earth, who’s smile could make everyone love her, who’s voice is like chiming bells. What I see May, Is you. The first time you laughed and said hello, I fell for you.”
    loveist = loveliest and the eye thing again. >.>

    “You were asleep for about two hours… Max was getting worried so I looked for you. Then I found you sleeping by this cherry tree. I stayed here in till Max came. Brock said that dinner was almost done by the way.”
    in fanfiction it it sometimes good to write a number (2-two) in letter form. and capital with the names again.

    I hope i didn't sound to mean but your grammer needs slight improvement. read your work at least three or more times to make sure you got the basic mistakes fixed.

    Until next time

    ~Midnight

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    1

    Default

    That is a fantastic story, as everyone has pointed out there was a few minor mistakes but nothing that takes away just how good Landlords Insurance was to read

    Absolutely brilliant little story
    Last edited by braces; 7th September 2011 at 12:16 PM.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Great Britain! FTW!
    Posts
    79

    Thumbs up

    Sorry about not reviewing this earlier.

    This is a lovely one-shot, has a decent length and is not over crowded with too much happening. Very nice idea about having May dream the senario and then have Ash ask the question that started her dream.

    A few spelling mistakes, I will just point out the ones that you tend to repeat often and have occured in your other fic:

    I'm I --should be--> Am I

    Angle --should be--> Angel

    Other than that brilliant.

    See Ya!
    Advanceshipping: Together, 4Ever, Always
    <--------------Original image Suzu, Drawn by Me.
    Favorite Advanceshipping Oneshot by Damon Howe When Earth Meets Ocean
    Fanfiction Page
    Advanceshipping Quote:
    “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.” - Francois de la Rouchefoucauld

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •