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Thread: Resting in Peace [One-shot] PG

  1. #1
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    Default Resting in Peace [One-shot] PG

    I wouldn't have even bothered writing this (believe me, my current fic takes up more than its fair share of my time), but I was able to do it all in one day. That might be a crap alert, but I figured at the most I'd get a couple bad reviews and then it'd disappear in a few days.

    Or maybe it will be good. :D Right.

    I tried to write something spooky, which I haven't really done before. A little info:

        Spoiler:- may contain spoilers so be careful in here:


    It's quite an easy read, embarrassingly short at just over a page in MS Word (the rules say there's a minimum of two pages, but exceptions can be made, so hopefully... y'know... an exception will be made), so it should take no time at all. Also, if it feels really pretentious or stupid, remember that I was listening to sad/spooky music while writing, so I was in "that" mood. Hopefully it'll be good for a little chill or a extra heart thump. ^^

    Resting in Peace


    Three circles of light crawled along rugged rocks, bending and stretching with the contours of the things they illuminated. Piece by piece, they revealed a small tunnel, carved and clawed at by the various workers of time, whether they were the water heard quietly dripping in the distance or the creatures that resided within the darkness.

    Within the grey, in a crack large enough to fit a human head, a striking slip of red glared back at the lights, foggily reflecting them off of its smooth surface. The radius of one of the beams shrank and its angle was slowly moved from the side to directly above the misplaced bit of color. It was now clear that the bright shade of crimson was attached to the side of a single white tennis shoe, size eight and hopelessly dirty from possible years of stagnancy. The lights shook for a moment when the object was identified but never let it slip out of sight.

    Some noise almost silently echoed past, calling out in a once familiar cry not heard for nearly fifteen years. At this, one of the glows jumped erratically and disappeared with a crack and even the dripping stopped momentarily, struggling to grasp on to the sound which even it had forgotten. It was quick, excited, and desperate, cracking slightly at its tail end as it gave up a search that had become pointless years ago.

    The remaining two lights moved rhythmically toward the direction of the cry, repeatedly climbing up to the ceiling of the cavern, nearly ten feet above, and then swooping down to the floor, where footprints left by a monster unknown to society had once laid, quickly forgotten by the thin layer of sand and pebbles but forever remembered by the walls, which had witnessed every event in their vicinity with a promise to keep the secret, no matter how much the story needed to be told.

    The rays climbed across caverns, over walls, and finally found themselves reaching out into blackness to the point of disappearing. Their source was on a piece of rock the size of a small house, waiting in the center of utter darkness, reachable by a thin, natural bridge long worn past its usefulness. When they found nothing in the distance, they searched the ground on which they stood.

    It was crumbling, a section on the back edge even gone completely, taken in a single moment by its own weight and dragged down below. Next to this defect, a few milky bones sat perfectly still, in no particular order or arrangement. The lights found this interesting, both of them immediately swarming to the tiny gravesite. The edges of the objects had deteriorated slightly, but they mostly remained immaculate.

    Underneath them, a swatch of green fabric huddled, containing something. As the beams drew closer, focusing in on the cloth, the details became clearer. It was factory-made, but only a piece had survived. It was the corner of a glove, where the thumb would have been, and out of its knuckled-length opening yet another bone extended an inch.

    This was where the cry had come from, but nothing living remained. The walls watched in silence, neither feeling remorse for what they had seen or having any desire to recall it. They had learned long ago that it would do no good. So they stayed quiet, allowing the creature which had come to permanently rest on the last lingering scrap of its greatest companion to continue in peace, the way it had for the past ten years.
    Last edited by Umbreon Ruler; 8th July 2010 at 3:30 AM.
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  2. #2
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    This story reminded me of Halloween, because I always used to go trick-or-treating with a flashlight. And despite the length, I think you did a nice job with description. (Sometimes short is sweet, right?)

    I didn't see anything wrong with the actual writing; it seems like a good 'closure'. I even felt sad while reading some of it. (The part about the cry, for example.) It was a creepy-sad kind of moment, like his pokemon's ghost might be trying to contact him.

    The remaining two lights moved rhythmically toward the direction of the cry, repeatedly climbing up to the ceiling of the cavern, nearly ten feet above, and then swooping down to the floor, where footprints left by a monster unknown to society had once laid, quickly forgotten by the thin layer of sand and pebbles but forever remembered by the walls, which had witnessed every event in its vicinity with a promise to keep the secret, no matter how much the story needed to be told.
    I love how you explained the walls here. It makes me want to know what happened to the trainer, but at the same time, accept that some things can't be known for sure.

    The ending was emotional for me. I think I interpreted it correctly - Red's bones are lying next to his Pokemon's? (If so, then at least he died next to his friend and companion, which makes it a sad death, but somewhat happy at the same time.) Overall, nice one-shot


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  3. #3
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    I was hoping people would think that. I couldn't think of much to add without getting over-the-top with unnecessary details.

    Then I had at least a little success with what I was going for. Ha, the music I was listening to combined with the story kept giving me chills while I was writing.

    Yes, that's correct. I figured as one of the most recognized trainers, he deserved at least that much.

    Thank you so much for the review.
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Umbreon Ruler View Post
    This was where the cry had come from, but nothing living remained. The walls watched in silence, neither feeling remorse for what they had seen or having any desire to recall it. They had learned long ago that it would do no good. So they stayed quiet, allowing the creature which had come to permanently rest on the last lingering scrap of its greatest companion to continue in peace, the way it had for the past ten years.
    I dunno why I love this paragraph so much, but wow. xD This was very well written, especially considering it was just in a day.

    The entire story was really sort of eery to me, but in a good way. Not surprising, though, 'cause that's what you were going for, right? Hahahah. The way you described the flashlights searching things and the cry from something in the beginning were equally creepy. I really enjoyed reading it. I've got to agree with Mrs. Lovett though with the way you personified the walls. It was an excellent touch to this one-shot. The ending really got me, though... So he died in the cave with his pokemon by his side? That's so depressing. >.< But, at the same time, it's really fitting. For all we know, that could've been exactly what happens (er... happened?). Who knows. I love endings like that hahah.

    Anyways, great one-shot. Keep up the excellent work!
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  5. #5
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    Thank you. :)

    This is getting a much better response than I anticipated, ha. I'm glad the whole creepy thing I tried is actually working for a few people. That was the most fitting ending (besides being buried in a hero's tomb, or something) for Red that I could think of and I'm happy you enjoyed it.
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