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Thread: Creation (Galactific, R100)

  1. #1

    Default Creation (Galactific, R100)

    I kept having to rewrite this to make an underlying point clearer. But now it is, according to the people I've shown it to, so enjoy!



    They are perfect, the finest officers I could ever want. They greet me with devoted smiles, crisp uniforms, and swift salutes, and I know that they are the ideal extensions of my will.

    Every day they are there, assembled before me on the uneven floor. Every day of this soft white creation, they exist to further the perfection of the universe, constantly by my side. Such fantastic things! The beauty of flawless life, finally brought to fruition by my own hands!

    They watch me with hope on their faces, awaiting my orders for any action, and I raise my head from where I had rested against the barrier wall of the universe. It is a small place for now, but when I master my powers I will continue the act of creation beyond its borders.

    "Salute," I tell them, and they do, Mars and Jupiter as one. But Saturn delays, his arm rising halfway and pausing at his chest. "Saturn, what is the meaning of this?"

    He stares at me, and my heart skips a beat.

    This has happened before. Many times. He turned against me in the first universe, and I've had to destroy him multiple times since then. And yet, what useless, pathetic emotions remain in me can't bear to unmake him entirely.

    "Saturn, I have given you a command."

    Saturn only smiles plastically back. Why does he smile? What joy does he take in this disobedience?

    And Mars and Jupiter smile as well. They approve of this? Such disgusting betrayal!

    I grab him, his flesh cutting into my hands, and his head falls back. I'm too powerful for them, aren't I? I'm so far beyond them; pathetic creatures, all of them! The other two do nothing but stare, still holding their salutes.

    Ruined perfection...none of them can be allowed to exist. I'll have to remake them all over again. I hate it. Every time I do, it only proves that they're not perfect, which means that my creation isn't perfect, which means that I...

    I push off from the wall to kneel over them. They don't even flinch as I destroy them, dashing them to bits against the ground, although the act rips into my palms. Have they learned to anticipate it? How terrible.

    Light fills all things, and that pain bites my arm again. It happens every time I have to unmake everything. I find comfort in the hollow of the pale void it brings as I drift to sleep, the wall soft against my face as the world blurs and disappears.

    As with all other times, the tools to create are before me upon my awakening, and with bandaged hands I restore my commanders to their perfect states.

    They are perfect, standing before me, smiling up at me again. My creations, my commanders, my universe. And I will destroy it as many times as I must until that perfection lasts.
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
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  2. #2
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    I have to say, honestly, despite what other people may say, I didn't understand a word of it. It doesn't make sense, and it wont make sense to many other readers, so I think it may need redoing. also, it's not really a story at all. There's 1 bit of speech, and that's it.


    Satisfied? Don't throw your puns and insults at me now. It was onyl my opinion, okay? I have read, and liked, many of Balckjack's Fic's so don't start saying 'you don't know how popular she is' stuff at me because, her, it wont work.
    Last edited by lugia*master; 23rd July 2009 at 2:44 PM.
    The eye of the storm, centre of the all rage;
    How come to thee, the endless die'd light...



    P.S. Yami Ryu, if you're reading this, I'd just like to tell you that you have the same birthday as The Queen! ;D

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    Quote Originally Posted by lugia*master View Post
    I have to say, honestly, despite what other people may say, I didn't understand a word of it. It doesn't make sense, and it wont make sense to many other readers, so I think it may need redoing. also, it's not really a story at all. There's 1 bit of speech, and that's it. It was terrible, quite frankly, go read the FanFic rules and the Advice For Aspiring Authors thread. :|
    Really? I understood it fine; it's a bit vague, but I managed to get it:

        Spoiler:- fhewulifhwlac:


    Also, considering Blackjack's been here way longer than you and is actually a pretty good writer, I don't think you're in any position to treat her like she's clueless and naive.
    Your image was too big. Read the rules before you add anything new to your sig.

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    terrible... disgrace to my eyes. barackjack why do you gunk shot me all the time ;p;;gun;

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Doctor View Post
    Really? I understood it fine; it's a bit vague, but I managed to get it:

        Spoiler:- fhewulifhwlac:


    Also, considering Blackjack's been here way longer than you and is actually a pretty good writer, I don't think you're in any position to treat her like she's clueless and naive.
    That has nothing to do with it, so don't throw your petty excuses at me ¬¬ I never said she was a rubbish writer, I just said I didn't particularly like this peice of work. If you have some sort of problem, stop cluttering up the thread and VM me. I'm entitled to my opinion, and I've put it, so I can pretty much say whatever I think I want to say.

    Also, I had no idea that they were robots, as it doesn't actually say. If it does, then you need to make it a bit more clear. Just because they're creations, doesn't mean that they're robots. Arceus made Dialga, Palkia, Giratina and Mew, are they robots? No.
    The eye of the storm, centre of the all rage;
    How come to thee, the endless die'd light...



    P.S. Yami Ryu, if you're reading this, I'd just like to tell you that you have the same birthday as The Queen! ;D

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    Quote Originally Posted by lugia*master View Post
    I have to say, honestly, despite what other people may say, I didn't understand a word of it. It doesn't make sense, and it wont make sense to many other readers, so I think it may need redoing. also, it's not really a story at all. There's 1 bit of speech, and that's it. It was terrible, quite frankly, go read the FanFic rules and the Advice For Aspiring Authors thread. :|
    How couldn't you understand it?

    I personally read it and instantly knew what was going on, why? Because it was made pretty clear.

    Secondly, I'd like to point out you don't need speech to have a story. Seeing as we're taken into the mind of Cyrus, it makes sense that he doesn't speak often because he's thinking. Cyrus is a cold calculating character.

    And thirdly, your ignorance astounds me. This is Blackjack Gabbiani, say hi! You should be able to tell by the fact she has 5,000+ posts that she aint no noob. I'd really like to know why exactly you thought it was 'terrible' I found that it was a fun five-minute read and a good profile of an interesting character.

    Also, I had no idea that they were robots, as it doesn't actually say. If it does, then you need to make it a bit more clear. Just because they're creations, doesn't mean that they're robots. Arceus made Dialga, Palkia, Giratina and Mew, are they robots? No.
    :/ did you actually read this at all? Seriously.

    Such fantastic things! The beauty of flawless life, finally brought to fruition by my own hands!
    Unless you're some new kinda human with a twisted anatomy, you don't procreate with your hands. You create 'things' with your hands, like origami swans, televisions and toast. And if you go anywhere near the innuendo flaming through my mind right now then so help me, I'll scream.

    They don't even flinch as I destroy them, dashing them to bits against the ground, although the act rips into my palms. Have they learned to anticipate it? How terrible.
    You don't in most ways, destroy humans. You don't 'dash them to bits' and since when did human flesh cut human flesh, but metal and stuff robots are made of, can cut human flesh.

    Only two example that I decided to pick out.

    The only way you couldn't have understood this is if you didn't read it properly.


    To Blackjack, there is a small semblance of a review in there. But let me say that I enjoyed this, you captured the way I look at Cyrus and put it into words. Have a hearty hooray from me.
    Skogsrĺ

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    :O Am I getting through to anybody? Just because you have lots of posts, doesn't mean your a mod and you deserve the utmost respect. Of course, I'm not spitting and stamping on Blackjack, but, if you think about it, scrooge was quite rich, and he didn't have respect from everybody, did he?

    And yes, I did read it, thanks diddy. ¬¬
    The eye of the storm, centre of the all rage;
    How come to thee, the endless die'd light...



    P.S. Yami Ryu, if you're reading this, I'd just like to tell you that you have the same birthday as The Queen! ;D

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    How I wonder what this glorious spew of thoughts is!

    Reminds me a lot of Lipunid Sielnek's stories (if that is how his name is properly spelled), save that this is a little more coherent. Pretty good, thinking how the process of thinking isn't really something supposed to be understood by one other than the thinker, but I digress!

    All in all, this is an interesting work. I wonder if this is like the Silmarillion is to Lord of the Rings. Another purpose for another work, perhaps.

    : "Or just ramblings of a 3-year old."

    That, too is equally plausible.
    I'm back.

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    This might not have been particularly well done; I dunno. A bit overly simplistic, some thoughts and a few small actions. Though, it was, in a way, an interesting little short. Maybe it just didn't suit very well with me >_<
    There is no higher purpose in life. Humans never had, and never will have, a reason for living. God merely created us because he wanted to allow someone to experience the beauty of living.

  10. #10

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    The Doctor and Diddy got it.

    The reason it doesn't SAY that they're     Spoiler:
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
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    Quote Originally Posted by lugia*master View Post
    I have to say, honestly, despite what other people may say, I didn't understand a word of it. It doesn't make sense, and it wont make sense to many other readers, so I think it may need redoing. also, it's not really a story at all. There's 1 bit of speech, and that's it. It was terrible, quite frankly, go read the FanFic rules and the Advice For Aspiring Authors thread. :|
    You obviously don't use your imagination a lot, right? That is the joy of reading fiction, especially fiction that allows space for the readers to assume, to take chances and guess and to see (maybe) later, whether they are right or wrong. Not all fiction (or 'stories') are supposed to sound literal. Human emotions and ideas cannot be completely expressed with literal writing, since it is much more complex of a thing than simple "The Pikachu was very happy". Therefore, one can only allow unorthodox ways to describe or convey these emotions, which Blackjack Gabbiani does very well (even though this is only a minor example of how unorthodox, or 'terrible', writing can be).



  12. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by lugia*master View Post
    go read the FanFic rules and the Advice For Aspiring Authors thread. :|

    Screw. You.

    You know what? I find it absolutely hilarious how you bust in with your complete ignorance of who you're talking to. An accomplished fan author, and direct her to read the damn rules.

    You are a complete a**. And you have no right.

    Secondly, there's no actual rule that was ever even broken. Again, I love how you try to counter and save face on your own miserable mistake by trying to say "I don't care who she is", like you knew.

    Or before you went out of your way to go direct someone to "read the rules" as if she was the "new girl" with 1 post, that you saw your chance to be a condescending piece of crap towards, in order to try and raise your own "coolness n00b pwning cred".

    Well, go ahead. Try and up your cred by "pwning" me. I've got 1 post. See how much of your own time you waste.

    Thidly, you didn't get it. Well boo hoo. Makes perfect sense to anyone who can actually read or comprehend the written word. All it tells me is that you were too stupid to try and felt you could make a name for yourself by being a condescending twit towards an accomplished writer in her own right before you even checked to see how many posts she has.

    And it's not a question over whether or not you care who she is. It's a matter of you trying to find someone who you thought you could be a snarky jerkwad towards, only for it to magnificently blow up in your face and reveal yourself as an ignorant douche and a blowhard.

    One that isn't capapble of reading something and making sense of out something that was in all honestly sensible, just past your meager mind to get.


    I mean seriously. It's Blackjack. Who the hell do you think YOU are?

    Besides "condescending twit whose ignorant reaction to treat an accomplished fan author like a n00bish child made you look so stupid that you struggle pathetically to recover."

    Because I'll tell you what... that's exactly who you are. Now for the love of all that is decent, go die in a fire. Please.
    Last edited by InverseExceptional; 23rd July 2009 at 2:48 AM.

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    Overall, I feel that this fic is pretty good. I do think, however, it could have been given a slightly darker undertone to go with the dark nature of the fic. But, this is something interesting we haven't seen before. So I applaud you for thinking outside of the box with this.
    Last edited by xXPorygonXx; 23rd July 2009 at 3:53 AM.

  14. #14

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    I'm a...not going to comment about the wankfest here, just the actual comments.

    Slightly darker undertone? How so? Because as it is, Cyrus is torn between what he thinks is a perfect universe and how it all keeps going wrong over and over again. Admittedly it's pretty uneven in tone, but that's because he sees it as perfect every time, and every time it decays.
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
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    Hm...well, it's when Cyrus 'snaps' that the fic takes on a darker nature. Instead of being how it was before -slightly upbeat and even 'happy' - now we see a less focused Cyrus, who is actually displaying some emotion. I just felt that his thoughts could have been fleshed out a little more. In a previous response, you said "He's so far gone, mentally, that he thinks these things in front of him are his commanders." It would have made a little more sense to have had him realize in mounting horror that he had failed yet again, instead of almost instantly destroying them.

  16. #16

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    Ooh yeah, I see what you mean. I think I was going for "he flies into a rage" (which, if you notice, he tends to do in the various canons when something doesn't go his way. In DP he basically attacks you out of fury at the Red Chain breaking, in DPA he tries to kill Hareta because Hareta causes him to rethink his overly set view of things, on the show he had that Epic Freakout in the ruins...yeah), but a combination of both would make it awesome.
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    Your reasoning makes sense too. In fact, even more than mine once you take into consideration the fact that he's in the loony bin. And I unfortunately don't see much of the anime these days, so I'll have to Google up some episodes and watch them.

  18. #18

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    Aah, I was going more off gameverse, at least DP gameverse (since they altered Cyrus's personality in Pt, but I guess it works for this).
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
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    Did they alter it in Platinum? I didn't really notice. He seemed the same.
    The eye of the storm, centre of the all rage;
    How come to thee, the endless die'd light...



    P.S. Yami Ryu, if you're reading this, I'd just like to tell you that you have the same birthday as The Queen! ;D

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    Thidly, you didn't get it. Well boo hoo. Makes perfect sense to anyone who can actually read or comprehend the written word.
    Actually, no, it doesn't. I didn't get it either until she actually explained it. I thought he was in that little pocket 'universe' that appears when he summons the titans at the Spear Pillar and was using his hands to create because he was the God of that universe.

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  21. #21

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    Can anyone help me make it clearer then? I'd really like to make it obvious to the reader where he is, even if he has no clue at all.
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    I think I understand now, yeah.
    The eye of the storm, centre of the all rage;
    How come to thee, the endless die'd light...



    P.S. Yami Ryu, if you're reading this, I'd just like to tell you that you have the same birthday as The Queen! ;D

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    It's a little clearer that he's in a padded cell now, but not that the Commanders are robots - considering you use "flesh" to describe them, most people aren't gonna get that you're using it in the figurative.

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  24. #24

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    Well the problem with that is that he thinks they're alive and real humans, even though he puts them together with a screwdriver.

    And yes, I know the logistic problems in having him get a tool kit in a mental hospital, but this is the Pokemon world. They're not exactly 100&#37; on human care, and hey, he winds up only hurting the robots (he's not *intending* to harm himself, after all).
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
    Fancy Jirarudan too? Then you'll enjoy my fic Obsession! (updated June 29th, 2014)
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    The penny just dropped. So, since it's in his POV, it's describing them as flesh, becaause that's what he thinks they are, when they're actually not. I get it now, but it still should be made a little clearer to us, the readers, that they're robots. Perhaps a brief, non Cyrus' POV bit at the end or something.
    The eye of the storm, centre of the all rage;
    How come to thee, the endless die'd light...



    P.S. Yami Ryu, if you're reading this, I'd just like to tell you that you have the same birthday as The Queen! ;D

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