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Thread: Creation (Galactific, R100)

  1. #26

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    Well, I think that would ruin the impact and feel tacked on.

    I want to make it more obvious while working exclusively in his POV.
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  2. #27
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    /briefly 'cos I didn't intend to review this:

    What if you called them 'flesh', but described the 'flesh' as being something the reader will recognise as other than actual flesh? So Cyrus thinks it's flesh, even though visually/textually he sees it with the visual attributes/texture it actually has.

    ... I don't even know if that made sense.

  3. #28

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    Hmm. He does describe the smile as "plastic" and I thought that was too *obvious*. Clearly I was wrong, so what would you suggest? Like "metallic", "shiny", "smooth" (although that's used for skin too)..."cold" maybe?
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  4. #29
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    "Steely flesh" or something, perhaps?

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  5. #30
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    I must say, this passage sent shivers down my spine. Cyrus POV is colder than I've ever imagined him to be...especially regarding his creation. I must say this makes me think. Amazing job, Blackjack.

  6. #31

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    Hmm. I don't know if "steely flesh" would work, but I'll see what I can work with.

    Thanks, Chosen One! Did you get the underlying thing either? If not (or if so even), what can I do to make it more prominant without being too obvious?
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  7. #32
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    Well, I get that there is an underlying theme, but I have learned that it turns out different for each reader. Which underlying theme did you see, Blackjack?

  8. #33

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    About what's really going and where he is.
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  9. #34
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    Oh...In that case, yes, I get the meaning...>_> Is it supposed to be hard to find or something?

  10. #35

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    Well uh...it's hard to get to, but probably a lot of people know where he *is*.
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  11. #36
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    Now, tell me: What was the inspiration behind this...is it a one-shot? What was your inspiration?

  12. #37

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    Basically, I'd been talking to someone over Skype and we were discussing how Cyrus basically underestimates human nature, both for better and worse, by thinking that the species can be reprogrammed like robots. I think we mused that he'd be better off populating a new world *with* robots, and that's how it came about. Although since it was a verbal chat and didn't have a log, and since it was at about 4 am, my memory of it's pretty hazy.
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  13. #38
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    XD Nice. It's great how everyday conversations can provide you with great inspiration.

  14. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackjack Gabbiani View Post
    Basically, I'd been talking to someone over Skype and we were discussing how Cyrus basically underestimates human nature, both for better and worse, by thinking that the species can be reprogrammed like robots. I think we mused that he'd be better off populating a new world *with* robots, and that's how it came about. Although since it was a verbal chat and didn't have a log, and since it was at about 4 am, my memory of it's pretty hazy.
    Ok, how would you populate the world with a robot, first of all, and second, this story was just...ugh. You know you can do better Blackjack, even if you're going through rough times, like wearing those ranch outfits or whatever it is, or getting your job stolen, you should still be able to come up with some good stories for this great forum to read. I'm sorry but you just need to work on your material. This wasn't good. At all. Not one bit. Nope. Very much not good.

    It was bad.
    Last edited by Mars Girl; 27th September 2009 at 10:43 PM.

  15. #40
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    Blackjack what is this???? I was sort of like "wtf" when I read it at first but I was cool with Cyrus being all up in his universe rockin it with his commanders he kept remaking cause he ain't gettin it right no suh but then..
    THEN you go all whack on me and say he's in a psycho ward with the robo commanders and whatevs. Now that just ain't right :\

    PS To the retard who went on about human anatomy and how 'creating something with your hands' should imply they weren't real people.. have you lived in a paper bag for years and never heard anyone talk about the 'Hand of God' or various other deities and hand-based things? Creating something with your hands is how most deities are portrayed as doing such.

    PPS Just because someone writes many fics, most of which I like, doesn't mean all of their work is astounding and deserves you wanking it to. I normally don't have too much crit on Blackjack's fics but this one, man, I just don't even know where to start >8\

    Blackjack girl, I know I been a trucking jelk in the past, but str8 up to you here, I got some words.
    I think you were writing with a very fine line for a subject. There are too many words you could've/did use that are too ambiguous or too specific to pull off the sort of hidden-meaning effect you were going for. It was a very hard fic idea to write imo and I feel you did well broaching it.
    I had no clue what you were actually intending, though, and I'm still sort of mystified by it. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me and the fic really just seems like Cyrus is remaking his universe over and over because he can never get it right since he himself isn't perfect. But of course he'd never admit that.
    I think it'd have played out a lot better if you'd gone with that as your plot, or if you'd decided to be more concrete that he's in the loony bin. The way it is, some readers got it and others had no clue.

    Could've been a lot better imo. I'm still confused here. Keep writing homie!

  16. #41

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    I'm sorry, but what? What does my cosplay or having a job revoked have to do with ANY of this? I have no idea why you would bring those into this.

    You also don't say what it was you found bad about the fic other than some vague point about how you can't populate a world with robots (remember though, we're not talking about me, we're talking about Cyrus and his "company of machines" thing). Could you actually TELL me what you found "ugh" about it?
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  17. #42
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    Some of you need to learn how to respond to a fic without throwing out veiled insults or just saying "this story is bad" or "you chose a bad subject" or what have you without backing up your statements with reasoning, examples or ways she can possibly improve it. SPAM will be treated as SPAM, and I would advise making sure you know how we define SPAM here before screwing yourselves over.

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  18. #43
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    I like the new one ^^

    Nice use of the "white void", it gives a good impression upon us that he is indeed in such a state of mind that he believes he is of the utmost importance in the universe, describing it as though others are merely tools for his gain. Liked the way you described the commanders, and how they react to the way they are treated. It gives me a kind of feeling , you know, that feeling that your kind of small compared to everything else, which is good. Brilliant job!

    How to improve:

    I thought the description was effective, and put to good use, but was somewhat scarce in parts. Like the part where you described what happened when he woke up, that was quite strange when working it out, so it could use a little more sprucing up. Simple description could make it better.

    The context was good, quite psychologically questioning, but I thought the bit about the "Wall" could use some more description and attention, because it gave me th impression that it's in a small white room, when you went on to say that it was a "void", or a "universe", so it kinda backtracked on itself. Nothing wrong, but I think it was merely set out wrong.

    Other than that, it was great. ;D
    Last edited by lugia*master; 10th November 2009 at 9:13 PM.
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  19. #44

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    Actually
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  20. #45
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    Exactly what I meant ^^ The description was kind of light from both perspectives, but I kinda got the idea of what you were trying to get across.
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    P.S. Yami Ryu, if you're reading this, I'd just like to tell you that you have the same birthday as The Queen! ;D

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