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Thread: Day [PG14+]

  1. #1
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    Default Day [PG14+]

    This is my disqualified entry for the HGSS One-Shot Contest.



    Day



    “It may drop out of the sky suddenly. If attacked, it will violently shake its poisonous leaves.”

    “It lives by drinking only droplets of blood from dying or decaying corpses. It is said that it eats nothing else.”

    “It suddenly falls out of the sky in the morning. A year after a stormy summer, their population explodes.”


    ***


    I didn’t know how it felt, to be the very first.

    I knew I was the very first; I could feel it somehow. I woke up, among many others still fast asleep.

    That day – that dawn, I had woken up to a world where I was alone. It was a world surrounded by a sal****er torture spiralling around me, engulfing me. Those forlorn minutes became days upon days of suffering and fear, before I noticed that everyone else was waking up, in much the same fashion around me. But this did little comfort; the suffering endured, and before long, we were thrust upon a prickling beach.

    Yet, the sal****er did not give up, its arms relentlessly threatened to engulf us back into its clutches. Us lucky few who made it to the berm were spared further torment and that was when the window to the rest of the world finally opened.

    I could’ve exchanged a lifetime’s worth of torture for this glorious moment, with my companions beside me, ready to conquer this yet untarnished world.

    I still remember that first day – my moment of heaven within the centre of hell.


    ***


    “Ash, wake up!”

    “…eh…?...! Misty! Don’t lean over me!”

    “Get up, you lazy Dunsparce!”

    “It’s still dark…let me sleep…”

    “I said wake up!” Grunt.

    “Hey, hey- argh!”

    Thump.

    “Get up!” Grunt.







    “Why’d you wake me up so early?”

    “You promised me that we’ll go watch the sunrise together while we’re here in Olivine!”

    “There are still storm clouds from the storm yesterday. We won’t see anything…”

    “No, you’re not going back to sleep, Ash!”

    Pull.

    “You. Promised. Me.”

    “…alright.” Groan.

    “Hurry up and get changed! I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

    ...





    “Did you bring a raincoat? There’s still a bit of a drizzle.”

    “I’ll be fine, Misty.”

    “No you won’t!”

    “Fine, I’ll go get one…”







    “Can we go now?”

    “Yeah, let’s go!”







    “All I see are clouds.”

    “I checked the weather yesterday; it said that sunrise was going to be at 5:56.”

    “What’s the time now?”

    “Five-thirty.”

    Protest.

    “I dragged us out early so we can talk about us.”

    “What about us?”

    “You know what I’m talking about!”

    “No. I don’t.”

    “Yes you do! You do!”

    Tears. Or rain?

    “I…I really don’t. Was it before or after Sinnoh?”

    “How could you have forgotten?” Slap.

    “Wha-”

    Slap.

    Dart.



    “I’m sorry, Misty, but I…really don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s been so long…what with Hoenn and Sinnoh…”

    “It’s nothing…important…”

    Sob.

    “No really, tell me.”







    “…okay…but let me ask you something first.”



    “What is it?”

    “Do you have a thing for May?”

    “What!?”

    “May! You know…May!”

    “Yes I know who May is…but…she…you…she’s just a friend.”

    “Okay, what about Dawn?”

    “She’s also a friend!”

    “Really?”

    “Yes! I’m not into younger girls…”





    Shiver.





    “…anything else?”

    “No…it’s fine…I’m fine.”

    “Misty…”

    “…yeah?”

    “…don’t be so stupid next time. You know we’re…you know I like you.”





    Shiver.



    Sob.



    Embrace.





    Sunrise.

    “Look, Ash.”

    “Yeah, it’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

    “Don’t leave me, Ash.”



    “…I won’t.”


    ***


    What motivates men to fight amongst themselves? Why do they not come to a compromise and realise how lucky they are to have, not one, but many who share similar traits to one another? Why must humans be so divided by conflict? Indeed, why must all organisms be divided between each other? Some insects, however primitive their composition, have been gifted with a natural perception of being able to socialise with one another in order to survive. The Combee is a terrific example; companionship and interdependence is a predetermined trait between all individuals and the result is essentially utopian.

    Conversely, while the Combee is blessed by being born with companions, the Doduo is born with a lifelong partner, whose mutual benefits depend on their absurdly variable mood. It is the rare, markedly inseparable individuals that are able to manage a balanced and satisfied lifestyle. It is even rarer for the individuals to be able to survive into adulthood as Dodrio, whose individual stone-set personalities are peculiarly much more simply conceived than its pre-evolution’s variable personalities. I don’t know how or why evolution has been able to cater for this usually self-cannibalising (super?)organism, but it is evident that it puts sheer power above all else in a battle for this unique species to survive. Is this how life is supposed to be lived by all organisms on this planet? Are we constantly monitored and governed by a subconscious paranoia that insists on giving us weapons so strong, it could destroy the very cradle that nurtures us?

    Of all that concern me, it is the humans that worry me most. Humans are the only organisms on this planet who do not possess a natural sense of self-control. Arrogant, lacking in respect and ignorant, humans have all the power evolution has gifted them, but this is, in turn, crudely imbalanced by a lack of self-responsibility and puts their own sentience above all else. This imbalance has brought upon a grand curse upon the world. They have become too complex in mind structure for their own good and thus, have begun to overly complicate the world around them. If the world was full of organisms implanted with submissive, unintelligent natures governed by sentient creatures such as us, then perhaps, things would be much more peaceable.

    But I am naďve. Even as a remarkable individual, I am naďve and cursed with a flawed logic. Humans, and all organisms that dwell on this planet, live to fear and, in turn, to be feared. That is what motivates men to fight – and that is what makes the rest of us function.

    I do not know whether the world will dissolve in a flurry of bombs or if some cosmic accident may decide our fate, but it seems clear that there will not be a moment of peaceful resolve before our inevitable demise.

    I feel that I have the responsibility to act against the humans, but I fear for my own life – the time has passed when I can quell the humans with a mere summon of a storm. I miss those faraway days very much, but this is not the time to dwell on regrettable memories.

    Here I am, forced to view this world slowly, beneath my stormy defences, questioning myself whether there is a greater sentient force than I that can, hopefully, bring this matter to a decision.


    ***


    “You know, if it wasn’t for Nurse Joy, this wedding would’ve been really tacky.”

    Laugh.

    “Oh come on Brock, you know this Pokémon Centre means a lot to me.”

    “Yeah, I know, Ash…but…did Misty agree to this?”

    “Er…not really…she wanted to have the wedding in Sootopolis, but it wasn’t really within our budget.”

    105 bpm.

    “Hey, Ash!”

    135 bpm.

    “Congratulations!”

    “Thanks, May. Uh…where’s Dawn?”

    “Oh, she couldn’t come.”

    80 bpm.

    “She said she’d give you a call later tonight.”

    147 bpm.

    “Really?”

    “Yeah, she’s in Lilycove right now preparing for the Grand Festival tomorrow.”

    “Ash! There you are- oh hi, May! Glad you could make it!”

    “Congratulations, Misty!”

    Chat.







    “Hi Ash.”

    “Hey…Dawn…”

    110 bpm.

    “Sorry I couldn’t come, Ash, but you know how important this year’s Hoenn Grand Festival is to me.”

    “Yeah, I understand.”

    “Come to think of it…you didn’t purposely schedule your wedding to coincide with the Grand Festival, did you?”

    “N-no, of course not!”

    164 bpm.

    “I’m just joking, Ash…”

    100 bpm. Sheepish laugh.

    “You look nice in a tux.”

    150 bpm.

    “…thanks…how’s your Pokémon doing?”

    “Oh they’re alright. Mamoswine and Pachirisu are getting some rest right now, but Piplup’s still awake.”

    “Are you ready for tomorrow?”

    “Yep! Be sure to watch me on the tellie!”

    “Sure thing.”

    “Listen, I sent a wedding gift by mail over to you a few days ago…it should be arriving tonight.”

    “Really? What is it?”

    “Oh you’ll see.”

    170 bpm. Sheepish laugh.

    “Can I speak to May and Misty? I’ve got something to tell them.”

    “Yeah, sure…let me go get them.”








    ***


    It causes me great worry whenever the skies become a battleground. Battles leave scars on the land, and likewise, they leave scars on the sky. Those who wage battle in the sky (and thus, with the sky) do not know the magnitude of their violations. They are destroying what little purity lays in these intangible barrens and claiming too much as their own.

    Humans, in their ceaseless expeditions to conquer every dimension in and beyond their reach, are biting more than they can chew. I don’t think they realise what damage they have already done to this fragile world, nor do I think they have any care for this world.

    I fear that battle will leave nothing untouched, nothing untainted and nothing uncharred. In that event, I hope that divinity will have set much more in store for the future, so that the commoners will have something to rejoice about.

    Until then, perhaps the time has come when I, a harbinger of rainbows, will never again appear in the skies.


    Target found at coordinates 34°23′N 134°50′E.

    Johto?

    Affirmative; off the coast of Olivine.

    Give me the local weather conditions.

    Air pressure; 970 hPa. Temperature; -56 degrees Centigrade. Wind speed; approximately 60 knots.

    -56? Give me their altitude.

    5600 m above sea level.



    Target locked?

    Affirmative.



    Launch the missiles.


    As silent lightning struck the southern islands yonder, the distant sun was struggling over the eastern mountains, its feeble light obliterating the beacon atop the Olivine lighthouse. A night of struggle had passed as fleets of sea vessels had sought to take refuge from the encroaching storm in the harbour, taking warning to the local weather bureau. The storm would arrive that afternoon and vessels were warned to keep away from the Whirl Islands until the storm had dissipated.

    Perhaps because the bureau had too much common sense to believe that no aircraft would be stupid enough to fly through the sea route, a warning was never issued for pilots. Thus, Team Rocket saw it as very fitting to let their black-market operations continue under the veil of the storm. Their grand airship, The Silver Dragon, carrying the load of generations’ worth of black fortune, sailed through the storm at a boastful altitude, seemingly unaware of the sheer force of nature surrounding it.

    But there was something within that load – something definitive of the very evil that surrounded it. Was it an accident on Team Rocket’s behalf, then, that The Silver Dragon was selected for missile target practice by the very organisation who had issued its launch? Was it an accident that the bane of the planet was released through this very act, that the fate of the Earth had been decided with such an obscured incident?


    ***


    Meteors the entire night.

    “Mummy, don’t you want to go to Mt. Mortar to watch the shooting stars???”

    “No, Hazel, you can go watch them with Daddy; I’m too tired.”

    “But, but...!!!”

    “No, Hazel, I’m really tired. Go watch them with Daddy.”

    “Are you two fighting again, Mummy?”

    “No, of course not, Hazel, dear. Just go watch the shooting stars with Daddy and you can tell me tomorrow.”

    “Oh, okay.”

    “Be a good girl, now. Don’t get hurt down there. Mummy has to go to bed.”

    “Good night, Mummy.”

    “Good night, Hazel.”

    Meteors the entire night.


    ***


    It started off quite perfectly for a ten-year-old girl, especially one whose pastimes included little more than playing around with generally miscellaneous peers and siblings. It was no less than for little Hazel who was as far as it could go for innocent, little girls in the eyes of Banksia’s villagers and Pokémon alike. Villagers knew her as a sweetheart, the daughter of a couple who had settled in Banksia in the hopes of a tree-change. She was bright and inquisitive, villagers described, and very keen on helping those in need, whether they be human or Pokémon.

    She woke up - like any other ordinary girl - with a call for breakfast. It was her mother, anticipating just another ordinary, serene day just doing her motherly household duties while Hazel goes out to play with her little friends. As much as she would’ve liked Hazel to stay and help her with the chores, she decided that it was somewhat cruel to imprison Hazel during the summer holidays, especially on a beautiful day such as this.

    “Hazel! Your cereal is getting warm!”

    And in this type of weather, it was hard for anything not to. Sunny it was, it had all but evaporated the winds and waters that had kept Banksia comfortably humid for the majority of the summer. Breakfast was held in the patio which formed the middle ground between the backyard and the house itself. Hazel’s father was out at work, so breakfast was only held between Hazel and her mother.

    The call for breakfast was answered with an ecstatic - perhaps overly - reply. Piercing through the upstairs window of Hazel’s room out towards the backyard, Hazel’s voice echoed around the tree-surrounded garden, tempting a few bird Pokémon to grudgingly trace the screech back to its source from their arboreal outposts. It was quite the juicy yelp - so much that Hazel’s mother only assumed that it was a “Coming!” that would be quickly succeeded by a centipede-like scramble down the hollowed stairs.

    But she didn’t even hear Hazel’s bedroom door open.

    Hazel's mother called again, only to be met with another saccharine screech that was stirring even the most tolerant of Drill Peckers.

    Leaving Hazel’s spoiling breakfast on its own to gamble life and death, Hazel’s mother exhumed herself back into the house to investigate the cause of Hazel’s euphoria. The living room, separated by an impenetrable glass sliding door from the rest of the world via the patio, was well lit by a healthy dose of sunshine. It was for this reason that curtains, for the majority of daytime, were seen repelling it from the cancer-prone mother. Opening the door welcomed enemy attack, but also the lovely songs of passing Fearow that was so needed to stimulate a grumpy, stagnant morning.

    The living room was as separate from the rest of the world in mood and suggestion. All of the furniture and ornaments possessed some form of perfect angular symmetry that eerily reflected some form of inner city lifestyle.

    The mother’s walk was brisk, as could’ve been told by the cold, hard stone tiles eroded by her shuffling. It was followed by the anguished creaking of floorboards, as she climbed the stairs, before reaching a simple carpeted corridor with a few open or ajar doors on either side of it. The door belonging to Hazel’s bedroom was closed however and the mother knew there was something out of the ordinary.

    The mother knocked on the door of Hazel’s room, but was met with no reply - except for another shriek. Intuitively, she forced the door open, as if expecting to be met with resistance, into her daughter’s room. It was, as one would expect a ten-year-old girl’s room to be, very pink and decorated with various flowery Pokémon. A large window allowed the room access to the backyard view, but also to the hot, puffy summer air when it was slid open.

    Almost camouflaged against the walls, the mother spotted her child beside the overflowing bed, arms outstretched in front like an Exeggutor who had suddenly sprouted arms and didn’t quite know what to do with them, except with a noticeable awkward footing. The mother, quickly grasping the presence of suspicious circumstances edged closer to her peculiar daughter.

    “Hazel?”

    The girl immediately stumbled, in a pirouette of brunette hair and Tentacool pyjamas, onto the floor, shrieking as she did. Hazel’s mother quickly rushed to her daughter’s aid, but she had already hit the floor, and was stumbling with her hands to get back up. She looked quite pathetic in her attempt to get back up, hands and feet slipping, but this was more disturbing to her mother than amusing. Reluctant to help her daughter, Hazel’s mother stared at the flailing insect, horror-struck and transfixed.

    Distressed, she let out a beckoning shout, but she was answered with the same piercing shriek accompanied by harsh sobs and tantrum fits. Her eyes became blurred with tears of shock, so that the image of her daughter was all but a fuzz of muddy brown and pink. Attempting to clear herself from the state of confusion and disorder, she let out another shout.

    “Hazel!”

    “Mum...Mummy...I can’t...get up...I can’t...I can’t...see...I...can’t...Mummy...help me!” Hazel called, clearly distraught and mouthing tears.

    Breaking her trance, Hazel’s mother quickly darted to her aid.

    “Okay, sweetie, just relax,” she said shakily, while trying her best to remain relaxed as well. “It’s going to be fine.”

    But it was clear that everything was far from fine. Finally subdued, Hazel’s mother slowly sat her up proper on the bed, where she got a good look of Hazel and her bedroom. To her horror, there were tiny blotches of blood everywhere around the room – especially at the spot of carpet where Hazel had been struggling. Realising that they were the size of teardrops, she immediately took hold of Hazel’s shoulders and examined every square inch of her body to discover where Hazel was bleeding.

    Her pyjamas were covered with the same bloody polka-dot, but a brief and hectic examination of Hazel’s legs, arms and body resulted in no visible wounds. Crouching before Hazel, her mother was just beginning to dismiss the mysterious blood drops as not belonging to Hazel, until she threw back her daughter’s messy, veil-like brown hair.

    She screamed, flew backwards, knocked her head on the windowsill and dissolved into a coma.

    Hazel let out a soft sob, but she seemed stronger than her mother, in spite of herself being the victim. She got up, and fingered her way across her saturated bed. She reached the other side with little problem, feeling the edge and carefully getting off the bed. Hazel, deciding that it was foolish to grope her way on two legs, crawled towards the door, down the corridor, and eventually down the stairs.

    She made it seemingly effortlessly towards the front door, but found it locked.

    After a few long minutes of groping around the little urns and such that plagued the side-tables around the front door, she finally found the right set of keys and promptly tested each key awkwardly. Finally, she found the right key and twisted it eagerly.

    For the first time for a few hours, she was filled with excitement – one that seemingly banished the dark paranoid thoughts that filled her mind. She let a little sigh of excited relief, and crawled out of the front door.


    ***


    “It converts animal flesh into energy, despite being a plant. In the daytime, it closes its petals and becomes still.”

    “In the night-time, it travels about in a sneaky manner, but it comes to a complete stop when the sun rises.”

    “It gets energy from decomposing flesh and is known for its habit of hiding itself around the entrance of human settlements.”
    Last edited by Yonowaru in Chaos; 14th December 2009 at 12:06 PM.



  2. #2
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    The parts of this are really beautiful. Although I don't know much about the anime, the Ash and Misty sections were done in a nice style. Like you're eavesdropping on them on the beach, where the noise of the tide occasionally drowns them out. The various Pokemon sections are very good stream-of-conscious and a bit chilling to read through. Great work.

    The problem is, I have no clue what the whole is about. I can identify one Pokemon section as belonging to Ho-oh, but the others I'm not sure about (one is most likely Lugia). While the last section with Hazel was frightening in a good sense, I'm not sure what's going on there. And I'm not sure what connects all these. Having two sections of Ash and Misty clearly on two different days confuses things more. I might be willing to call it various stories on one day from the title if not for those two sections.

    But the fact is that I enjoyed reading it despite feeling like I need a decoding device to figure it out. So, great job, but would you please explain a bit about it?
    Pokedex OS- Still trying to capture every single Pokemon out there in words: 648/718 Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh complete!

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  3. #3
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    Thanks for your comment! I initially wanted to add more, since the wedding bit seemed a bit unfinished, as well as making the whole thing less disjointed, but I guess it's fine just the way it is. Leaving the audience to speculate was what I was aiming for, but perhaps I went a bit overboard xD

    The title actually, has nothing to do with much, since it was the working title for the second last segment (the one with Hazel), before I decided adding other snippets that make it conform to a 'greater' whole. So, as such, the title doesn't much to do with anything, except for being an allusion to The Day of the Triffids, which I based this on, more or less. And on that note, if you've read that book, you may know what this piece is about.

    Until, then the only thing I'd reveal (because I find that explaining the own events I write about doesn't have the same effect as the reader finding out themselves what happens) is that Hazel is the daughter of Misty and Ash (ash + mist = haze :B).



  4. #4
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    Eh, even though this entry is disqualified, I decided to do a review of this story because I’m curious about it. Also, I want to give you (and also to the entrants if they’re reading this ) an idea of how I would review the entries. Basically, I talk first about the things I love about the fics and then the things that need improving (and hopefully a few tips also). In short, this won't be different. :P

    First off, I love that you kept Ash and Misty in character, even when you have them be in a relationship (seriously, many shippers can’t be able to do that :x). Granted, I stopped watching the anime for a while during the Johto arc, but I still remember Ash and Misty well and I did managed to see the beginning Battle Frontier episodes that featured Misty for a few episodes, hehe. XD Also, I actually like the writing style you used for their sections. Like Ysavvryl (hey, you get to see how I might review your fic :P), yeah it’s like you’re eavesdropping on them. You’re relaxed when you’re with them and know there’s no harm but at the same time curious about what’s happening and what they’re talking about.

    Speaking of writing styles, I like how you tried out different ones here. Reminds me how I experimented with different writing styles on one of the chapters in my fic, but I failed. XD Trust me, you did it much better than me.

    The reference about the Combee and Doduo I thought is an interesting read. That part I know what got Golden disqualifying you, but if I were the head judge, I would actually let that slide. For one, Combee isn’t really featured in this story, just referenced (although a tad much, but it’s not like the Combee is referenced every couple paragraphs). There have been other entries that referenced other Pokemon, people, and regions from latter generations. Second, I actually think Combee is a great Pokemon to contrast Doduo. Contrasting Doduo with another Pokemon might not do justice with what you’re trying to explain on that part.

    Now, onto the criticism. The first thing is like Ysavvryl, I’m confused also how all of the sections are connected together. I know you’re trying to have us speculate, but yeah, you did went a bit overboard. :x Bah, shouldn’t be the one to talk since I am doing a one shot prequel to my recently finished fic and the scenes are disjointed also. XD;

    Next is the wedding part. I too agree maybe you could have expanded on that. I’m kinda curious actually what Dawn want to talk to May and Misty about and also the gift she had send. ^^;

    Another problem is the last part there’s a mention of Susan, but no action featuring her doing anything. Not sure if you mixed up Susan and Hazel’s name…^^;

    Last problem is Bankisa. One of the other judges and I were actually talking about this, and we weren’t sure if this town is made up, from the anime, or something else. Also, we’re not sure if that town is a Johto one or not, hence why the two of us suddenly got a fit over it. XD;

    So yeah, in short, nice piece you have here and I like the different writing styles you put here. However, I’m confused how the different parts are connected together. If you’re going have different parts in a one shot, they must be connected somehow. Don’t worry too much about this though as I’m working on this too. XD Also, at least explain Bankisa to me so that I can let the other judge know about it. XD Nothing else to say but great job and that’s too bad this one shot didn’t make the cut. I would have given a high mark.
    Last edited by Bay; 5th August 2009 at 6:17 AM.


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  5. #5
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    I'm sorry, but I didn't like this at all. Sure, it was well written, I can't take that away from it, but unfortunately, it makes absolutely no sense at all.

    The first part sounded like it was introducing a Sunkern, except for the fact that as far as I know, Sunkern isn't a vampiric species.

    Whatever happened to Hazel was freaky but it took me a while to realize her eyes were gouged out.

    With the insertion of Ash, Misty, May, Dawn and Team Rocket, then Hazel and the town of Bankisa, you just had way too much going on at once and it ended up making the fic feel like a huge chaptered epic condensed into a oneshot, which critically hurts it.

    I do give you credit for keeping Ash and Misty hysterically in character even when they're married and old though.
    Last edited by The Great Butler; 6th August 2009 at 2:35 AM.

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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    First off, I love that you kept Ash and Misty in character, even when you have them be in a relationship (seriously, many shippers can’t be able to do that :x).
    I tried my best, but it was sort of more anti-shipping than anything, since I tried to make Ash a bit lustful and unfaithful (which I 'tried' to implicate in the wedding scene).

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    Also, I actually like the writing style you used for their sections. Like Ysavvryl (hey, you get to see how I might review your fic :P), yeah it’s like you’re eavesdropping on them. You’re relaxed when you’re with them and know there’s no harm but at the same time curious about what’s happening and what they’re talking about.

    Speaking of writing styles, I like how you tried out different ones here. Reminds me how I experimented with different writing styles on one of the chapters in my fic, but I failed. XD Trust me, you did it much better than me. :)
    I think I got carried away, but that's what it was in essence - an experiment of ways I can deviate from a 'normal' writing style. I'm not sure if I was successful here, since I can tell the disjointedness wasn't very well received on the whole xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    The reference about the Combee and Doduo I thought is an interesting read. That part I know what got Golden disqualifying you, but if I were the head judge, I would actually let that slide. For one, Combee isn’t really featured in this story, just referenced (although a tad much, but it’s not like the Combee is referenced every couple paragraphs). There have been other entries that referenced other Pokemon, people, and regions from latter generations. Second, I actually think Combee is a great Pokemon to contrast Doduo. Contrasting Doduo with another Pokemon might not do justice with what you’re trying to explain on that part.
    Actually, I thought having May and Dawn would've been more reason to disqualify than Combee (since it doesn't really...'exist' in the fic) Ah well. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the two examples :]

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    Now, onto the criticism. The first thing is like Ysavvryl, I’m confused also how all of the sections are connected together. I know you’re trying to have us speculate, but yeah, you did went a bit overboard. :x Bah, shouldn’t be the one to talk since I am doing a one shot prequel to my recently finished fic and the scenes are disjointed also. XD;
    Yeah, I suck with empathising with the audience, so I didn't quite know the line between 'literal writing' and 'just plain confusing'. I didn't want it to be too obvious (I'm always doing this Dx) but I guess I made it too confusing in the end. If this wasn't based on "The Day of the Triffids" (which, as a book, doesn't really provide any answers to the questions it brings up), perhaps I would've decided to go for a more literal approach (but nooooo, I had to try be avant-garde and all D:).

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    Next is the wedding part. I too agree maybe you could have expanded on that. I’m kinda curious actually what Dawn want to talk to May and Misty about and also the gift she had send. ^^;
    I think that part was the worst-hit victim of procrastination, since I only literally stuffed that part in a few hours before submission deadline. I didn't want to get too complicated with it, since the writing style utilised there can't hope to accomodate multiple anonymous voices without writing skills way beyond what I could accomplish.

    As for what was going to happen, I was deciding for Dawn to confess her love for Ash (who guiltily makes the relationship mutual) and ending with a fiasco of a wedding (exacerbated by the arrival of Dawn's gift, it being a year's worth supply of Old Gateau :B)...but that overcentralised the entire wedding scene so I dropped it at that. It's probably a fault on my part, since the wedding scene was a good opportunity to 'connect' the parts together (and now, in hindsight, it does look a bit like wasted potential).

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    Another problem is the last part there’s a mention of Susan, but no action featuring her doing anything. Not sure if you mixed up Susan and Hazel’s name…^^;
    Susan was originally Hazel's name (again, another "The Day of the Triffids" reference since I'm horrible at procuring names out of thin air), but when I put Ash and Misty into the entire story thing, I changed her name...but something wrong must've happened when I used the 'Replace' function Dx Anyway, just fixed; Susan = Hazel and vice versa.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    Last problem is Bankisa. One of the other judges and I were actually talking about this, and we weren’t sure if this town is made up, from the anime, or something else. Also, we’re not sure if that town is a Johto one or not, hence why the two of us suddenly got a fit over it. XD;
    I made it up, actually (tried to reference it to Johto's pattern of naming cities and towns after trees). It's situated somewhere to the north of Mt. Mortar, which I tried to shove in when Mt. Mortar was mentioned, but I ended up being too vague about it. Anyway, it's supposed to be in Johto (at least, moreso than any other region)...and I made up all this little 'town history' about how Johto sent pioneers over the mountain range to see if they can expand their territory further north...but it seemed a bit superfluous and a bit hard to include together with Hazel's chronicle, so I trashed it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    So yeah, in short, nice piece you have here and I like the different writing styles you put here. However, I’m confused how the different parts are connected together. If you’re going have different parts in a one shot, they must be connected somehow. Don’t worry too much about this though as I’m working on this too. XD Also, at least explain Bankisa to me so that I can let the other judge know about it. XD Nothing else to say but great job and that’s too bad this one shot didn’t make the cut. I would have given a high mark. ;)
    I'm really glad you found the time to review this, even though you have other fics of higher priority to review :] Thanks for your time. I'll try and be a bit more literal whenever I attempt something else. I think part of the problem comes from the fact that I keep assuming that everyone must've read "The Day of the Triffids" (which you must be tired of me mentioning it every time I have the chance xD), since this borrows many elements from the book event-wise.

    Anyway, I guess even if this isn't really connected together, it can still be a montage of sorts.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I'm sorry, but I didn't like this at all. Sure, it was well written, I can't take that away from it, but unfortunately, it makes absolutely no sense at all.

    The first part sounded like it was introducing a Sunkern, except for the fact that as far as I know, Sunkern isn't a vampiric species.

    Whatever happened to Hazel was freaky but it took me a while to realize her eyes were gouged out.

    With the insertion of Ash, Misty, May, Dawn and Team Rocket, then Hazel and the town of Bankisa, you just had way too much going on at once and it ended up making the fic feel like a huge chaptered epic condensed into a oneshot, which critically hurts it.

    I do give you credit for keeping Ash and Misty hysterically in character even when they're married and old though.
    It's fine. I expected this to receive extreme reviews since it's not very easily accessible. I half-expected people to speculate their own series of events, but I see it really is just too inaccessible for the average audience.

    I agree that I did try and make it a huge epic in terms of the story, but even so, I think a one-shot was really the only way I could've executed this 'coherently'. Otherwise, if this was chaptered, it would've ended up as even more of an oddity (like starting on A and ending up somewhere on the tip of Q), especially if everything was in chronological order. I'm not sure if it would make more sense if everything was in chronological order, but it would sort of mess up the order of perspectives.

    Eh, anyhow, I thank you for taking the time to drop by and all :]



  7. #7
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    Could I ask just what the Pokémon being described actually was, if it wasn't Sunkern?

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    Oh it was Sunkern/Sunflora alright, but it was genetically modified by Team Rocket so that more oil could be extracted from it than from normal Sunfloras. Due to some unexplained blunder, the first batch of seeds (Sunkern spores) are freed with the crashing of an airship into the ocean where they are free to drift to wherever they please.

    Because of another blunder in the event of a meteor shower which blinds the entire world's population (well, those who saw the shower, anyway), the triffid-Sunfloras pretty much become the dominant species on the planet.



  9. #9

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    I really liked this. It was brilliant, confusing, intriging writing that i really enjoyed reading. I'm not entirely sure what events really occured here in this story, but the writing was creative and very inventive. i have a few questions that maybe you can answer.

    why exactly did rocket power shoot down their own ship?

    why did the meteor shower blind the people who saw it? and did they only realize that they were blinded afterwards?

    what exactly did the sunkern/sunflora do to hazel, if anything?

    yes, the story was confusing, maybe overly so, but its definitly the most interesting thing i've read here. i'm a little disapointed that its based a book, since it seems so original, but you did a great job nonetheless.
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Flaming Lip View Post
    I really liked this. It was brilliant, confusing, intriging writing that i really enjoyed reading. I'm not entirely sure what events really occured here in this story, but the writing was creative and very inventive. i have a few questions that maybe you can answer.

    why exactly did rocket power shoot down their own ship?

    why did the meteor shower blind the people who saw it? and did they only realize that they were blinded afterwards?

    what exactly did the sunkern/sunflora do to hazel, if anything?

    yes, the story was confusing, maybe overly so, but its definitly the most interesting thing i've read here. i'm a little disapointed that its based a book, since it seems so original, but you did a great job nonetheless.
    Thank you for replying :]

    I'm sorry, but I guess most of those questions should be left unanswered and up to the imagination to interpret. I can definitely tell you that Hazel did not meet a happy ending. Perhaps I should have given the ending a bit more grimness but what's done is done.

    For the TR question, that really is completely open to interpretation. Personally, if I had the resources to include a Team Rocket perspective (but alas, like The Great Butler said, I already had too many things going on at once) to reinforce Ho-oh's, I would have included some internal 'war' between one side that decides to continue with the shipment and the other side that realises the sheer potential for the bioweapon to fall into the wrong hands and decides to act (somewhat foolishly) against it. I can assure you though, it was no accident.

    The meteor shower is left to interpretation in the book, and thus I've decided to leave it, too, open to interpretation (you'll probably hate me for following the book's execution so closely Dx). Once everyone (including naturally sighted Pokemon) realises they're blind though, the world crumbles slowly into ruin.

    Anyway, I thank you for having the time to drop by. :]



  11. #11
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    Default very nice hotels in israel you can read about

    very nice - thanks




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