I'm not an expert at reviewing, so there are undoubtedly things that I won't be covering. But I want to try my hand at this.
First off, your signature is ironic. Nothing to do with the review, but I just wanted to point that out. Not a bad thing. I'm a fan of irony.
Anyway, you need to learn the fine art of paragraphing. It is very necessary and can make any Fic look a heck of alot better with just a couple button presses and spaces between ideas. It is very difficult for people to read a text blurb that has no paragraph structure. Ideally, you want a new paragraph for each line spoken by a different person.
In addition, it looks cleaner for the dialogue to precede the character who spoke it. Here's an example using part of your Fic, since I can't tell someone how to do something to save my life. I italicized it so you could tell your stuff from mine.
Topaz was busy looking through his cupboard. He had to pack exactly the right things for his fairly long journey to collect all the Gym badges in Sinnoh. He had already travelled around Sinnoh on his quest to capture every Pokemon 2 years ago, but now he wanted to get the Gym badges. He had packed up his clothes and was considering the Pokemon he would use for the journey. His thoughts were interrupted by his mother who called him.
"Topaz, would you mind checking if the garden needs weeding?" she said.
"No problem Mom" Topaz said as he went out to the garden to check the weeds. They wouldn't pose a problem now, but they definitely needed to be cut before tomorrow.
"Yes, Mom! They need weeding!" Topaz shouted from the flowerbed.
"I'll manage with Rotom dear!" his mother said from the house. "Now you really should pack.".
The last one is special. When you have dialogue with multiple sentences, you can do what I call an in-betweener. I am horrible at remembering English terminology, but I do know this is done in books, and it makes stories look alot better.
Topaz closed his eyes and gave a submissive smile.
"Yeah Mom, I really should be packing," he said as he went back into the house and packed up his clothes. He wondered what Pokemon he ought to take. It would be simple if he took his strongest Pokemon, but he wanted to challenge himself. So after some deliberation, he picked out Riolu, Bronzor, Phanpy and Magikarp.
Second, the posts are quite short, shorter than chapters are supposed to be, in any media. You want to have at least three Word pages of Fic in each chapter. In other words, put it on Word and keep working on it until it takes three full Word pages. I'm not trying to be a rule monger, but you really need to read the rules and look at a few Fics to get an idea of what typical Fics look like here. Believe me, it is really helpful.
Last edited by SBaby; 8th August 2009 at 10:11 AM.
A Winner Is You!!!
If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done.
- Bruce Lee
The worst thing you can do in any business is blame the customer.
- Willie 'Jack' Degel