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Thread: The Heat Of LeRousse (One-Shot) PG

  1. #1
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    Default The Heat Of LeRousse (One-Shot) PG

    Hi everyone. I'm kind of new to the FanFiction Forum, though I've been on the RolePlaying Forum quite a bit, so I suppose its about time I show up somewhere else. XD.

    Just a few things to note: One, I am extremely nervous right now. I have no idea how people will react lol. Two, I'm really, really unsure of this little one-shot, however, my friends keep encouraging me to post it here.

    But now onto the story. This is... the second One-Shot I've ever written (I usually write chaptered stories, so one-shots are hard for me. XD). This is also the first one-shot I've made for Pokemon, and my first one on here. I suppose that deserves some kind of celebration (in my mind it does. xD). But anyway....

    This started out as quite the random drabble with Drew as my main character. By the time I'd finished, it had turned into a tribute of his hometown and his thoughts on it. I was a little bit horrified at what I did to my poor green haired friend, but all well. I say he's out of character, but one of my friend's insists he's not. I'll leave that for you all to decide. And without further nervous rambling by me, here is the story:



    The Heat Of LaRousse

    There was something robotic about this place. Something that I had never, ever come to appreciate in all my years of living in this god forsaken city. It wasn’t just the robotic blocks that checked your identification at every corner, but there was something fake about the people as well… something heartless. A darkness trapped inside everyone that attracted the sunlight, and shriveled the inhabitants of LaRousse city slowly. But in a numbing way, so people didn’t know they were dying. They walked around with pale, lifeless eyes, gasping for air at every step with dry mouths. Their hearts were beating, but they weren’t alive. It was why I left so long ago to become a Coordinator, to escape the hell that I also called home.

    Shielding my eyes from the deadly rays, I looked up at the giant thermometer tower. It was as if the digital display knew I was watching, because the temperature rose from ninety-nine to one-hundred the moment my gaze locked on it. I groaned inwardly, and took my hand off my face, flicking my hair back as I brought my attention back to where I was going. I didn’t even have to walk to get there. Just stand… and be taken forward whether I wanted it or not. I watched the dull, smiling faces of the people around me, with their pathetic, poorly trained lackeys that they called Pokemon. I looked down at my feet, resisting the urge to gag as I continued moving forward without actually moving.

    The moving path finally came to its end, and I stepped off it, turning right at a very familiar street. I was in the residential district now, where home was. No one was expecting me I’m sure, because no one stopped to say hello as I weaved down familiar sidewalks and passed vaguely familiar faces. I would know exactly who they were if they weren’t… dead to me, and to society. Finally, the building which I loathed the most in the entire city came into view, right before my eyes. It was the place that had first made me loathe LaRousse: it was my home.

    I reached into the back pocket of my jeans, grabbing the key I’d placed there for this very moment. Sighing, I attempted to unlock the door, but to my surprise, it jammed when I twisted my wrist. Grunting in annoyance, I took out the key, and then put it back in, twisting at the lock again to no avail. A third time, I attempted to open the door to my home, growing ever more frustrated.

    “What is wrong with this city?” I finally yelled, throwing the key to the ground. “Can I not even go into my own house anymore?”

    My voice echoed down the streets, causing heads to turn and people to stare in my direction. I clenched my fists at my sides, and bared my teeth like a Mighyena. Why was it I came here in the first place? It wasn’t as if I had any real business to attend to in this horrid city.

    “Drew!” a voice called from the distance, echoing like my initial cry. It was weird to hear my own name being called, and what more, by someone in this town. The fact that anyone had recognized me in the first place was somewhat of a dream, no, more like a nightmare. I didn’t want to be recognized by anyone here. I turned my head ever so slightly to catch a figure running towards me. Curiosity dawned on me, so I turned a bit more, wondering who on earth it could be.

    Finally, the person came to stand in front of me, panting as she put her hands on her knees. The weird thing was, she didn’t look familiar to me, at all, yet she knew who I was. I crossed my arms as I waited for the girl to stand back up, and when she did, her face didn’t seem any more recognizable.

    “Oh wow, you’ve changed,” the girl said, blinking in surprise. “Your hair is green.”

    I didn’t respond with anything witty, like I would with any other person. Instead, I rose an eyebrow. My hair had been green for years now. I’d changed it when I left on my Pokemon journey. Clearly, whoever this person was had known me before I became a trainer, that was for sure.

    “Oh come on, you don’t recognize me?”

    I still didn’t respond, staring at the girl skeptically.

    “I was the one that vowed to beat your cocky little butt when we met next. Remember? Drew?” she asked, pointing to herself as if she were some important figure.

    Suddenly, my brain sparked, reloading a memory from years ago. She had promised to beat me in a battle one day… but who was she? I couldn’t remember. It was making me more frustrated.

    “What makes you think you can beat me?” I asked, a smirk crossing my face.

    “That’s what you said three years ago too,” the girl snorted, smirking as well.

    “But the difference my dear, is that I’m a top Coordinator now,” I continued, flicking the hair out of my face to emphasize my confidence.

    “Wow, you really don’t remember anything about LaRousse City do you?” the girl said suddenly, looking a little downhearted. I blinked, wondering what that had to do with anything, but she had struck a chord. It was true; I hardly remembered anything about home.

    “I’m May,” she said. “We used to be friends, remember?”

    “No,” I replied bitterly. “I don’t want to remember either. I want to get out of here as soon as possible.”

    “Cold,” the girl known as May responded. “But you always kind of were. I always thought it was weird, how you liked to pick on me, giving me roses and claiming they were for my Pokemon, yet you treated everyone else with the same cold attitude you’re giving me now. Maybe your hair changed, but Drew, you’re still as readable as a book.”

    “What are you talking about-- oh forget it. I don’t have time to waste on a loser like you. I should leave to go compete in Johto, like I said I would.”

    “That’s too bad,” May said, frowning, only to come back with a smile from ear to ear. “But you know what? I’m going to be there too! Besides, someone has got to beat you back into shape. I promised I would, remember?”

    “No, I don’t remember, so stop questioning me!” I yelled, suddenly. All at once, everything swirled into a mass of black, LaRousse disappearing with it. All that was left was me, myself, and I, in a dark void.

    “What is this?” I asked aloud. My voice echoed into the blackness, much like it had when I made my first outburst, only this time, May wasn’t there to respond. The blackness seemed to go on forever and ever, swallowing me whole, like the rest of the people in LaRousse.

    “No, I don’t want to be like them,” I exclaimed, knowing that was exactly what was happening. I had been in the City’s tainted air for far too long, and now, it was making me into one of its citizens… one of its true citizens….

    And then, everything became bleached in white as I sat up straight, panting for air. I blinked a few times, waiting for my eyes to come into focus, knowing that everything before had just been a nightmare.

    My heart raced for a few moments as I sat on the bed that the Pokemon Center had provided for me. I brought a hand up to my head, and wiped away the sweat lining my forehead.

    “What made me think about LaRousse? And May? Of all people, why her?” I asked myself as I closed my eyes to build the picture of the scene in my head again. It was weird. I hadn’t recognized her in my dreams, yet in my life, she was the person that stood out more than anyone else.

    And my hometown….

    “Nothing too weird there,” I sighed as I swung my legs over the bedside, letting the covers fall off me from gravity. “The heat of LaRousse was always too much to handle.”

    ***

    So... any kind of review is appreciated. I would love any constructive criticism you can give me. I'm aware its not perfect, but it can be with the right kind of feedback. Right? 8D
    Last edited by ShadoWolfDemon; 29th August 2009 at 2:32 AM.


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  2. #2
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    Hi! A bit of a freaky dream sequence you've got going here. It might be more powerful as an actual event, though, with the 'vampire' city draining his individuality so that he fit in. Then it'd have the potential for being a chilling thing to read. Because it's a dream sequence, the vampire and robot quality is more figurative and not quite as potent.

    And that was what I really liked about the start of this story; the colorful character (well he does have green hair) coming into a dull black-and-white place. That feeling of moving without moving among lifeless people is a great image. And the bit of frustration with the door, putting more emphasis on the 'something's not right here' feeling.

    A few minor errors...

    'A darkness trapped inside everyone that attracted the sunlight, and shriveled the inhabitants of LeRousse city slowly, but in a numbing way, so people didn’t know they were dying.'

    That sentence is a run-on. A short run-on, yes, but should be split at 'slowly'.

    In the second paragraph, there's an instance of a 'weather' that should be 'whether'. And you contridict the dull image by saying 'laughing faces'. In the third paragraph, it's spelled 'loathe'.

    In one of Drew's lines (after may mentions roses), there's a 'looser' that should be 'loser'. And 'one of it's true citizens', that should be an 'its'.

    Sorry about not using quotes; I've got a fussy computer.

    Also, when you say thermometer tower... do you mean those big digital displays, or an actual building with a tube thermometer on the side? I know it's probably the digital display, but I got the idea of the tube thermometer from the way you barely described it. That struck me as very funny. A bit of description for buildings could prevent this kind of unintentional silliness.

    Anyhow, check your stuff over for those minor mistakes a little closer. I think it could be a little longer (especially if done in a not-dream vampire-robot city horror way) and it's good.
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  3. #3
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    @Ysavvryl:

    Thanks for the review first of all. Makes me feel a little better overall. Now for my response to your critique, which by the way, was greatly appreciated:

    A bit of a freaky dream sequence you've got going here. It might be more powerful as an actual event, though, with the 'vampire' city draining his individuality so that he fit in. Then it'd have the potential for being a chilling thing to read. Because it's a dream sequence, the vampire and robot quality is more figurative and not quite as potent.
    It this had been an idea for a chaptered story, perhaps I wouldn't have made it a dream, or maybe I would have made it a reoccurring nightmare... or something, but I can see what you mean. There might be a tactful way to make it seem more "potent" as you put it, while still making it have this outcome... though how, I'm not sure.... Everything has room to improve, so I'll definitely start thinking of how to fix that.

    A few minor errors...

    'A darkness trapped inside everyone that attracted the sunlight, and shriveled the inhabitants of LeRousse city slowly, but in a numbing way, so people didn’t know they were dying.'

    That sentence is a run-on. A short run-on, yes, but should be split at 'slowly'.

    In the second paragraph, there's an instance of a 'weather' that should be 'whether'. And you contridict the dull image by saying 'laughing faces'. In the third paragraph, it's spelled 'loathe'.

    In one of Drew's lines (after may mentions roses), there's a 'looser' that should be 'loser'. And 'one of it's true citizens', that should be an 'its'.
    Thank you for those. Grammer and Spelling are my worst enemy. Even when I proof my stuff, I miss things. I'll edit those in a few moments.

    As for the contradiction, I didn't notice that. Perhaps I can make them seem more robotic with a something else, since that's what I was going for. I suppose laughing isn't a thing robots do much... so thanks again for pointing that out....

    Also, when you say thermometer tower... do you mean those big digital displays, or an actual building with a tube thermometer on the side? I know it's probably the digital display, but I got the idea of the tube thermometer from the way you barely described it. That struck me as very funny. A bit of description for buildings could prevent this kind of unintentional silliness.
    LOL, that made me laugh, though I suppose you have a point. I'll try to think something up.

    But to answer your question, yes, its a digital display. XD.

    Again, thanks a bunch for the review. I appreciate the positive feedback as well, especially from an experienced writer.


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  4. #4
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    Not that I'm pretending to be an expert in this city, but I thought the town was spelled LaRousse, not unless there's an alternative spelling for other languages. I mean, the name doesn't really affect the story, but it's kind of odd, considering it's not only your main character's hometown, but also the featured setting of your story. I think you even spelled it LaRousse in the actual story a couple of times. o.O

    It's an interesting piece albeit the lack of actual action (not that all stories require action/plot progression to be interesting), though I do feel that the description, specifically the beginning until Drew's conversation with May, seemed to be stacked on to each other with very little room for Drew to interpret or think. Outside the first paragraph, a lot of this detail is tacked on in a list of semi-grammatically correct sentences (we'll get to this later), with Drew showing very little emotion outside the key scene. If he doesn't feel anything toward the city (indifference, apathy), then you might want to put stress on that ... if that's the case anyway. And iffff he does have some emotion (i.e. maybe disgust in returning, or disdain), then you should try to put a bit more emphasis in this, whether its in action or in his personal thought. You transcribed some sort of anger during the scene with his house, so it would be nice if you put the same sort of emphasis (maybe not as heavy) in your other bits of description to break it up.

    In a general overview of the story, it is a bit confusing if you don't read it entirely, but that's to be expected until you realize that Drew is dreaming. I think it's a relatively interesting character analysis of Drew's past life and it's original in that sense. Your description, like I kind of said earlier, was strong. It wasn't too vague but you didn't drag it along either. I am a little curious about how LaRousse became such a wasteland since it's depicted in the movies as a pretty colorful, technologically advanced place.

    tbh, now that I think about it, it reminds me of that one scene in The Matrix where Morpheus shows Neo what the real world actually looks like outside the pretty facade. Ramble note. ^^

    Most of your major grammar issues had to do with comma and comma splices (using a comma to connect two complete sentences), as Ysavvryl pointed out to you.
    I didn’t respond with anything witty, like I would with any other person[,] instead, I just rose an eyebrow.
    I bracketed the comma that you are using incorrectly. There are several ways to correct this. Either create a new sentence (replace the bracketed comma with a period pretty much) or add a conjunction before the bracketed comma:

    I didn’t respond with anything witty, like I would with any other person, so instead, I just rose an eyebrow.

    Most authors use commas to connect complete sentences to keep the flow of thought going, such as here:
    It was true[,] I hardly remembered anything about home.
    When you have similar sentence ideas (in this case, Drew is admitting to not remembering his home), there are ways to do this without breaking the rules of grammar. For this case, I would use a semicolon. A semicolon acts as a weak period/strong comma and is often used to connect together two similar, but complete, sentences. It's in the same sentence (obviously), so the flow of thought remains, but it's punctuated properly.

    It was true; I hardly remembered anything about home.

    It's advised you try to avoid semicolons if you don't know how to use them (lol), but that's a way to go about fixing comma splices. A good rule to remember when deciding whether it's okay to use a semicolon is to read both halves of your sentence (that is before and after your semicolon) as separate sentences. If both can stand alone as its own sentence, then you're a-okay to use the semicolon.

    I noticed that you were nervous. Lol. Specifically about Drew's character? I thought it was believable, though there are a few things that were OOC of him.
    I watched the dull, smiling faces of the people around me, with their pathetic, poorly trained lackeys that they called Pokemon.
    That seems more of a Paul statement than a Drew one. I'd also say all the yelling (more like snapping) Drew did was a little odd, but I see how it's justified in that situation. Other than that, I think you kept him in character. I actually would have like if you made him more critical since that's one of the traits he's known for (besides the flicking hair back thing. I'm glad you had him do that a few times ;P). This kind of relates back to my first paragraph or two about your stacked description.

    If I were to make suggestions, it would to make Drew a bit more observant of his surroundings other than flat out telling what he's doing. Very little happened (in essence, all Drew really did was a short inner monologue, walk, get to his house, yell at May, blackness, then wake up), so it would have been nicer if you worked a bit more with the description. It is rather unbalanced the way it is now (at least before the dialogue).
    Last edited by Breezy; 28th August 2009 at 10:58 PM.

  5. #5
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    @Breezy:

    First off, again, I must thank you for the review.

    Now onto my response:

    Not that I'm pretending to be an expert in this city, but I thought the town was spelled LaRousse, not unless there's an alternative spelling for other languages. I mean, the name doesn't really affect the story, but it's kind of odd, considering it's not only your main character's hometown, but also the featured setting of your story. I think you even spelled it LaRousse in the actual story a couple of times. o.O
    HA, I KNEW IT! Why I say that? I thought it was spelled LaRousse, but one of my friends insisted it was spelled LeRousse. In any case, now I can get in their face about it. XD. But yeah, that would explain why it appears as two different spellings in my story. I'll go change it now.

    It's an interesting piece albeit the lack of actual action (not that all stories require action/plot progression to be interesting), though I do feel that the description, specifically the beginning until Drew's conversation with May, seemed to be stacked on to each other with very little room for Drew to interpret or think. Outside the first paragraph, a lot of this detail is tacked on in a list of semi-grammatically correct sentences (we'll get to this later), with Drew showing very little emotion outside the key scene. If he doesn't feel anything toward the city (indifference, apathy), then you might want to put stress on that ... if that's the case anyway. And iffff he does have some emotion (i.e. maybe disgust in returning, or disdain), then you should try to put a bit more emphasis in this, whether its in action or in his personal thought. You transcribed some sort of anger during the scene with his house, so it would be nice if you put the same sort of emphasis (maybe not as heavy) in your other bits of description to break it up.
    First off, glad you found it interesting.

    Secondly, again, this spurred off a random thought in my head, so its messy. Very messy. But I agree with you said: more emotion would have probably made this a better story. I'll be sure to go even more in depth when I do a heavy edit of this story, because, eventually, I will. I like the idea enough, even if it was kind of random.

    In a general overview of the story, it is a bit confusing if you don't read it entirely, but that's to be expected until you realize that Drew is dreaming. I think it's a relatively interesting character analysis of Drew's past life and it's original in that sense. Your description, like I kind of said earlier, was strong. It wasn't too vague but you didn't drag it along either. I am a little curious about how LaRousse became such a wasteland since it's depicted in the movies as a pretty colorful, technologically advanced place.
    I sort of meant it to be confusing, given dreams make no sense (at least, I know mine don't). And thank you about the originality comment; I try to make my stories eye catching, even if I'm not the greatest writer in the world (though I think I improve with every story, but that's to be expected I suppose).

    As for LaRousee being a wasteland, I'm not sure that's what I was going for, though that tells me I should go a little more in depth. Perhaps like Ysavvryl said, I could describe the buildings more, and any other surroundings. I think the only things I mentioned were the block robots and the moving paths, but LaRousse is a complex place, and definately worth noting.

    Though the feeling of it being a wasteland could be something else I could go on; perhaps its the result of the 7th movie (you know, with Rayquaza, Deoxys, and the block robots destroying stuff). I might try writing it out both ways, and see which works better.

    Also, lol, I love The Matrix. It was a good side-ramble note


    Grammer mistakes shall be edited now. Thanks for pointing those out.


    I noticed that you were nervous. Lol. Specifically about Drew's character? I thought it was believable, though there are a few things that were OOC of him.

    I watched the dull, smiling faces of the people around me, with their pathetic, poorly trained lackeys that they called Pokemon.
    That seems more of a Paul statement than a Drew one. I'd also say all the yelling (more like snapping) Drew did was a little odd, but I see how it's justified in that situation. Other than that, I think you kept him in character. I actually would have like if you made him more critical since that's one of the traits he's known for (besides the flicking hair back thing. I'm glad you had him do that a few times ;P). This kind of relates back to my first paragraph or two about your stacked description.
    Glad I made Drew believable at the very least. XD. That gives me a huge amount of relief from my nervousness. lol.

    Now then, I don't watch the Pokemon Diamond and Pearl, or any of the series after the Kanto Battle Frontier (except for a few select episodes and the movies), so I can't say I know Paul's character enough to agree with you, but I'll take note of it for the future.

    Though I'm not sure what to put in that spot. At first I had made the people around Drew laughing, though Ysavvryl said it was contradictory of what I had been saying before, so I changed it. I'll see if I can't think up something better, but for now... I'll leave it as is....

    Yes, Drew is very critical, which I severely overlooked in this. I will take a mental note to include more of that when I re-write this. But yeah, you gotta love the hair flicking. It's what make's Drew epic. He can flick hair out of his face even when its short and somehow not look like a dork. LOL.

    EDIT: Forgot to add my bit about Drew snapping. There is an instance in the show where Drew snaps somewhat randomly. Kanto Grand Festival when he's ordering Absol to attack him (which in theory, would kill him right? I feel like I'm seeing a suicide attempt in that kid. xD), and then May stops him.... Anyway, that gave me the idea that when he's under a lot of stress (emotional or other stresses) he gets angry... which is a rather human reaction. Still, I could go more in depth about his build up to the snapping, so I'll work on that too.


    If I were to make suggestions, it would to make Drew a bit more observant of his surroundings other than flat out telling what he's doing. Very little happened (in essence, all Drew really did was a short inner monologue, walk, get to his house, yell at May, blackness, then wake up), so it would have been nicer if you worked a bit more with the description. It is rather unbalanced the way it is now (at least before the dialogue).
    All good things to make note of. Again, its a rough draft. Nothing is perfect on its first go, and this was really fresh out of my mind, so I'm glad to be getting feedback like this (feedback which is lacking on FF.net. No one leaves real reviews there. Its frustrating). Again, I gotta thank you for pointing all this stuff out. It really is helpful.
    Last edited by ShadoWolfDemon; 29th August 2009 at 2:41 AM.


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  6. #6
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    I thought it was okay. Not really anything remarkable, but a nice, light read.

    At first I was going to criticize not giving a background for why Drew didn't want to think about May or LaRousse. The more I reflected on the actual point of the story, though, the more I realized that was necessary. What I took away was that you wanted a kind of mysterious air about these events, and you succeeded at that.

    My favorite part was the way you described the city, as being like a vampire. That's a great bit of atmosphere.

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