Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Location (repost, rewritten)

  1. #1

    Default Location (repost, rewritten)

    If this sounds familar it's because this is a rewrite of a fic I did earlier this year. I added a new element to it.




    /I gave explicit instructions that the trainer was to leave here unharmed./

    /S-sir! That trainer defeated you! It could not go unpunished!/

    /Enough! If you are so inflamed with your passions that you cannot follow orders, then you must be punished with the utmost severity./



    Saturn had been staring out the window for the past several hours, and the grunts were starting to worry. They hung back out of concern and apprehension; it wasn't like him to be so still.

    After watching him, never taking her eyes off him for a good twenty minutes, an agent approached him. Gently putting a hand to his arm, both of which were folded behind his back in an unconscious mirror of their leader, she smiled at him. "Commander...?"

    He seemed not to notice, for acknowledgement came after nearly a full minute, during which time she never looked away and never broke her smile. "...Mt. Coronet is a sight to behold," he said under his breath.

    "Yes sir. And right now, our leader should--"

    "He should be ascending. And none of us will behold it."

    She let her hand fall to her side. All of them had wanted to be chosen to go up to the Spear Pillar and see Cyrus restrain the deities of Time and Space, and when he took only the other two commanders and a handful of very selected grunts, a dim haze fell over the rest of the agents. Remembering a halfheartedly cheerful statement another grunt had said earlier, she told him "We'll get to see them, sir. He'll bring them back here and we'll study them, so it's not like we're being completely left out."

    Saturn's mouth opened slightly, lips parting to exhale in a sharp second. That was what they believed, wasn't it? "His new world will begin from Mt. Coronet. We will not see it."

    "Sir..." Was that grief in his eyes? "We're all going to do our part to make sure his plan goes smoothly. And once people recognize us as their new rulers, we're all going to be involved in the rebirth of the planet. There's a lot of work to be done yet, sir."

    A shudder ran through his slender frame, and finally he turned to look at her. "Your faith is commendable...the same with everyone here." His lower lip quivered as he turned back to the rest. "All of you...come closer."

    They obeyed, looking at each other and at him quizzically. There was nothing unique about them any more, the compassionate agent blending into the group. That was what the future would have looked like, just agents indistinguishable from one another in blind service to their new god. If it could be properly called the future, anyway. Saturn wasn't sure about that, but it wouldn't matter for very long.

    The sight of them, so obedient and eager for the future; a future that consisted of possibly a few more hours before the world ceased to exist and all of them with it, brought tears to his eyes. Briefly he wondered if any of them would recognize what was happening. "Our leader wishes to...bring about a new world. To do so, he must..." Saturn's heart nearly sank at the sight of them. They were all unworthy, every last one of them, or they'd be on the Spear Pillar right then. But to tell them the truth of their unexistence would bring agony to their final moments. To tell them that he had started to doubt Cyrus's goals would do the same. That was what he did to someone who defended him? Saturn had given all he had to punish that trainer, and was punished in return. He would be removed from life and all existence for standing up for his lord's honor? But he could not say that to them. "He must know that we all support him. That we would do anything for him. That we would give all that we are for him."

    There was a jolt, then a rumble, then the building shook. A pipe burst from the ceiling tiles, and a window down the hall shattered. The grunts cried out almost simultaneously, together even in fear. Saturn braced himself although the movement had settled, and was about to continue speaking when one of them cried out "Sir! The sky!"

    It was their reactions that first chilled him, eyes welling with tears of fright and knuckles clenched tight on each others' uniforms as they clung to each other. And he turned, and was nearly overcome.

    The sky was dark, not from a storm, but the blackest pitch of space, and overcome with dashes of red, of blue, of green. This had to be the end of all things. There was nothing else it could be.

    Had he not grabbed the wall, Saturn would have fallen to the floor in gaping awe; as it was he could only find his bearing with his face against the window, looking up at the mountain and trembling. It was incredible to witness, and it was the only thing that mattered any more. "S...sir...! You've done it!" he shouted, the only words he could manage though his shock.

    This was the end. They would all perish at the might of their lord, soon to be the lord of all.

    And yet Saturn smiled. He should have known, he realized. It was his fate to perish, the last gasp of the old world. A sacrifice, a blessing to what had come before. And he had doubted Cyrus's orders? No wonder he had been judged and deemed inferior. Only a fool would have thoughts against a savior of such heavenly power. Shaking away streaming tears of joy, he turned back to the agents and raised his arm. "He needs us, in these last moments of the present world. Abandon yourselves and follow me."

    In confusion, they trailed behind him to the courtyard like a fading beacon of blue and silver. Never looking back, Saturn knelt to pray as the sky fell apart above them.
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
    Fancy Jirarudan too? Then you'll enjoy my fic Obsession! (updated June 29th, 2014)
    Or better yet, join my LJ comm Ware Wa Collector!
    Check out some of my other fics!
    Answering Machine (strong XY spoilers--winner of Most Heartbreaking Scene 2013!)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    32768 tiles to the left.
    Posts
    126

    Default

    Oh... shiny nice story.

    I had never read a TG-focused fanfic, let alone a non-Cyrus one, so reading this was an interesting experience. End of the struggles, end of the world, of all things, and to be condemned to "watch from far away" because he obeyed far too well I guess HAD to be a tremendous blow to a high ranking commander such as Saturn.

    Trivia: I was damn sure Saturn was a she until about two weeks ago...

    First, a very exciting premise for people like me who reads fanfiction for the different perspectives. TG's lower ranks never having been made aware of Cyrus' true goal makes feeling bad for them easy, but also weird (and what with their fashion sense...), but I think it was very strongly and plainly stated here that the encompassing sensation when looking from the outside may be one of betrayal or abandonment, and that puts them under a very particular kind of light depending on the canon one is judging on: game-wise, at least, they managed to terrorize their country and fiddle with two separate Legendary Trios once they decided to go through it all. It was also made apparent by that time that they were also burnt out or something.
    When thinking about "Team Galactic", reading this story puts in my mind not the word "used" but the word "spent", if you get my drift.

    Of course, it is in moments such as these when the measure of loyalty is better observed, and the specific touch in the moment when Saturn gathers the others as if to tell them a fairy tale was a beautiful addition to the image of TG ranks falling behind. It also made me think of Saturn as a sort of prophet for some reason, go figure.

    The truth is the whole idea of "let's go and watch the Apocalypse together" sounded so... luring, I may say, I thought that it would be a wonderful scene of the characters witnessing in inspiring awe how the world is to end... which is why the ending seemed quite abrupt to me. One paragraph, one sensation, and it was over.
    It was incredibly adequate however as a reflection of what the involved characters would feel that is happening, because of the "abandonment" thing I had mentioned above. At least that's the impression that left me the final quote:
    "He needs us, in these last moments of the present world. Abandon yourselves and follow me."
    Bonus point: The simplicity of the words in the end "...the sky fell apart" was for me the simplest way I've ever read an apocalypse to be introduced (besides one of Asimov's "and there was no more" IIRC).

    Now, grammar wise I don't think I can help. If anything, I believe this review has more grammar mistakes than your story does. I only thought this part:
    /S-sir! That trainer defeated you! It could not go unpunished!/
    ...was weirdly worded because of the "it"-- I'd expected either he/she (the Trainer/Hero who shall rest in peace, I suppose, BTW?) or something more formal like "Such thing...", stemming from that particular conversation. "It" sounds so simple that only Cyrus's reaction serves as a meter to how serious the offense actually was. Then again seeing that it is Saturn who goes punished maybe that was the effect to achieve.


    Overall a nice story, thought-provoking in the premise, luring in the narrative, surprising in the end. A pleasure to have read.
    Solovino's Sig
    Writing what the Pokémon canon lacks since Jun 2010!

    Fics» Sixth -- Playfield -- Cuasi Legendario (Spanish)

    Research» Nidoran! and other Pokémon for PEFE
    — — ★ — —
    Banner by Hydro_King

  3. #3

    Default

    The "it" refers to the offence rather than the trainer (who I'd probably refer to as "they" or continue referencing "that trainer" since I want to be as obscure as possible about which one it was). And no, just the events of the game, how Saturn kinda leaps out and challenges you after Cyrus says you can leave.

    Given that it IS the events of the game, that's also why it cuts off so quickly. Because despite everything that's happened to that point, despite Saturn's fervent belief and dread, the world continues. It's the Team that ends instead, or at least Cyrus's control over it.

    The line you reference; was it "Overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out"?

    Saturn confuses me. He claims in the postgame to not have known Cyrus's true plan, but earlier he had stated it pretty much spot-on, which leads me to believe that later he's struggling with how he could have supported such a thing, or something. That he's denying what he knew to justify it to himself.

    Anyway, thank you for the review!
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
    Fancy Jirarudan too? Then you'll enjoy my fic Obsession! (updated June 29th, 2014)
    Or better yet, join my LJ comm Ware Wa Collector!
    Check out some of my other fics!
    Answering Machine (strong XY spoilers--winner of Most Heartbreaking Scene 2013!)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •