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Thread: 10 Years Ago

  1. #1
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    Default 10 Years Ago

    This is not my first fic, but I don't have much experience so PLEASE give C+C. Follow the rules and fanfiction rules.

    Okay, if you really want to know what the fic is about...

        Spoiler:- Open at your own risk (of spoiling the story):


        Spoiler:- Chapter List:


    Chapter 1: Five Young People

    Light snow covered the peaceful haven that was Sandgem Town. In the autumn bliss, not many people were around. However, five young people were the strangest group.

    The youngest was a boy of around 12. He had green hair that was slightly messy; a large spike stuck up at the front. He wore a black full-sleeved shirt and orange corduroy pants. Over the shirt he wore a green vest. He had a confident air around him.

    The woman next to him was the oldest. She was in her late-20s and had short brown hair. She wore black shirt and skirt held with a red belt. Over that, she wore a cream jacket and a red scarf was tied around her neck.

    A 17-year-old Spanish teen was next. He had shaggy red hair and wore a yellow vest and black pants. Over the vest he had a red jacket with a flame design. He seemed to be arguing with the teenage boy next to him.

    The young man the Spanish boy was arguing with seemed to be bored with the latter's heat. He was around 19, with glasses and longish dark hair tucked into a black cap with a red PokeBall on it. He was dressed in a blue shirt and capris. He wore a purple jacket with an eye insignia.

    The last and most different boy was 17. He had iron-blue hair that popped up in spikes. He wore a black shirt and jeans. Over that he had a silver-and-gold jacket with a golden PokeBall insignia on the left shoulder.

    "When's it gonna open?" complained the Spanish boy. The woman frowned at him. "Be quiet, Carlo.If the Professor's late, he's late. Have some patience, Flint!" she reprimanded him.

    "I believe Professor Rowan's here," said the boy with the black cap. The green-haired boy punched the air in enthusiasm and the Spanish boy, Flint Carlo, placed a hand on his shoulder. "Yo, Aaron, calm down, dude! I'm excited, but you see me hitting the air? You wanna make a good impression, right?" he said, grinning. Aaron high-fived him as the door opened.

    Inside was a middle-aged man with grey hair that had large streaks of white in it. "Hmm...you're late. I gave out the starters 2 weeks ago. Come in anyway." He held the door open for the five as they trooped in.

    "I haven't met you before, have I?" he asked the boy with the black cap, who shook his head. "You may have seen me before, however. I'm Lucian Eos, British genius writer."

    "Ah yes," Rowan said, as they shook hands. "Lucian, the boy who learnt to battle before he could cycle." Lucian nodded. "Isn't your father Raymond Eos, one of the late Gym Leaders of Mossdeep City in the Hoenn region?" Again, he nodded.

    "You must have heard of me, then!" Flint exclaimed. Rowan gave him a once-over. "I'm sorry, I hav-" Before he could complete, Flint bowed. "Then, you're seeing me! Flint Carlo, alias The Great Firebrand, ex-stage magician! Want a Buneary out of Eos' hat?" he said very, very quickly. Rowan sweatdropped.

    "Have a seat, then, people." Rowan said, motioning towards a room nearby. They trooped in and Rowan took a seat. "I am Professor Eric Rowan, Ph.D. I was chosen by the current Gym Leaders to hand out starters. I don't have the official starters, Piplup and Turtwig, right now, but I do have one rather excitable Chimchar."

    "I'll take it!" Flint said, butting in. Rowan sweatdropped again, then called, "Amy?" A young woman in a green dress came in. "Yes, Uncle Eric?"

    "The Chimchar.."

    "All right." She disappeared into the back room. then came out holding a PokeBall that was squirming around in her hand. "Chimchar -" before she could complete the sentence, a monkey-like Pokemon burst out.

    "Chaaar chimchaar!" it said. As Flint attempted to shake its hand, it jumped onto his shoulder and licked him. "Nice! I'll call you...Firebrand! After my stage name. Okay, we're buddies, now, right, Firebrand?" he said. Firebrand nodded.

    "I'm next!" Aaron said. "Aaron Blade. Do you have a Bug-type Pokemon?" he requested. Rowan nodded. This time, he went into the back room himself and appeared with a bag. He peered in and selected three PokeBalls.

    "I have a Venonat, Caterpie and Skorupi." he said. Aaron thought for a while, then said, "I'll leave it to fate then." He touched the button of a PokeBall and a purplish-blue scorpion-like Pokemon appeared. "Skooor!" it said. Aaron grinned. "I guess you, Skorupi, are gonna be my partner! I'll name you Scorp."

    "Next up," the woman said. "Bertha Roy, maiden name Lewis. Any Ground types?" Rowan nodded. After putting the other PokeBalls in, he handed her a single Ball. "Go, PokeBall," she said, but Rowan quickly stopped her. "Not in here. That's a Rhyhorn, it'll crush the lab."

    "Okay, I guess it's you and me, um, Rhino." she said, naming the Rhyhorn. Lucian smiled. "Me next, I suppose. Psychic types, preferably unevolved and with a secondary type." Rowan returned the smile. "That's easy then. I've got over 50 Psychic-types, but only one which gains a secondary type when it evolves." He gave Lucian a LuxuryBall.

    "Okay, then." Lucian said, tossing it out. A Ralts appeared, muttering "Rararalts!" "Ain'tcha gonna name it?" Flint asked. Lucian gave him an annoyed look. "I suppose. Something unique...how about Newton? No...yes, I've got it. I name you Transcend!" Transcend appeared impressed, then returned to its ball.

    "That leaves me, then." the last teen said, speaking for the first time. "My name is Cyrus Greyson. I will take a Dark-type." Surprised, Rowan shook his head. "I don't believe I have a Dark-type, but I'll take look." Rummaging through the bag, he pulled out two balls. "A Sneasel and a Murkrow. Which one?"

    "Both." Cyrus said, surprising everyone. "Sneasel for its high attack value and Murkrow for speed and evasion." "Traditionally, a trainer only has one starter Pokemon." Rowan said. "It's unusual, but not unheard of. Cyrus Greyson...there's an aura around you, boy. You'll be powerful one day, mark my words. And for that, I will allow you to take both Sneasel and Murkrow."

    Cyrus seemed satisfied with the decision. "And before Carlo asks, I will not nickname them." he said, cutting Flint short.

    "All right, then," Flint said, somewhat incensed at the use of his surname. "Let's duke this out outside." The seven, Amy included, left outside.

    Next: Chapter 2, "The First Battle"
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 22nd September 2009 at 9:07 AM.
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  2. #2
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    First post!

    It was OK. It wasn't anything special if you know what I mean. It was too original, you need to come up with an idea of your own and write it or take an idea and make it your own. This just seems bland.

    Don't get me wrong, it was written well, good sentence structure I believe, the description was decent. My main gripe is that it isn't out of the box. Please in your next chapter make it something more different.

    But all in all I think it has the potential to be an all right fan fic, but this is the first chapter so I can't say too much.

  3. #3
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    Skimming over this chapter it was pretty well, boring and bland. What description is there seems to only be there as you seemed to realize you couldn't get thru this without any description. But you didn't really try and improve upon it.

    And what's with all the saids?

    And Spanish? Seriously the spanish boy and I'm just drawing up a big effing blank for spanish people features, I mean what, was he dressed differently? Did he have a sombraro, what? This is like saying THE AMERICAN when you can be chinese, russian, white, indian, native american, black, EVERY THING- and if you were born in america you would classify as AMERICAN BOY OR GIRL OR MAN OR WOMAN.

    This does NOTHING to describe your character.

    And the boy with the black hat said.

    That's all you describe, his hat. That's it.


    "I have a Venonat, Caterpie and Skorupi." he said. Aaron thought for a while, then said, "I'll leave it to fate then." He touched the button of a PokeBall and a purplish-blue scorpion-like Pokemon appeared. "Skooor!" it said. Aaron grinned. "I guess you, Skorupi, are gonna be my partner! I'll name you Scorp."
    DO YOU KNOW HOW RARE SKORUPI ARE!? I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOREVER- and still not managed to catch one when I do run into one and you just hand one out to an out of character Aaron? Oh goodie!

    And then you clone it xx times for all the other trainers; there's no detail in here. No depth. No description no personality no nothing. It's all flat and badly described, if at all characters talking blandly with eachother and getting pokemon that are either rare, not official or could have been obtained on their own skill. Saaafaaariiii zooooones. Huuurduuuur.

    You're trying to focus on way to many characters at once. Way. To. Many.

    Tone it down, focus on one/two or one, and have the others as side characters. Focus on description and detail of characters and their surroundings and pokemon. Of personality depth, development and quirks. Of dialogue that's not a He said She Said fest of YIPEE-esque speaking with no actions/interactions or signs of emotion.

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    Okay, thanks, Yami ryu and yeminied, I will try to improve as you have said. YR, I'm not trying to describe Flint with 'Spanish', I'm just, well, tossing it out. And about the Skorupi issue, here, Rowan is like the kind of guy who keeps different kinds of Pokemon for issues like this when the regular starters are unavailable. Personalities:

    -Aaron: fun, childish. He is the youngest.
    -Flint: the joker. He's a natural comedian.
    -Bertha: calm, collected, motherly.
    -Lucian: similar to Bertha, without the motherly, but he has a slight, um, complex. Like, he thinks everyone is a bit below his intelligence level, I dunno if that's inferiority or superiority complex.
    -Cyrus: He is supposed to be emotionless.

    Chapter 2 will be up by Saturday, I hope.
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Soul Silver 1201 View Post
    I'm not trying to describe Flint with 'Spanish', I'm just, well, tossing it out.
    You throw it out twice and it's just, what about Flint makes you think he's spanish- and I had to go look up who Flint was; and he doesn't strike me as Spanish. You don't really describe him as spanish- he has no spanish accent or quirk to his speaking.
    -Aaron: fun, childish. He is the youngest.
    -Flint: the joker. He's a natural comedian.
    -Bertha: calm, collected, motherly.
    -Lucian: similar to Bertha, without the motherly, but he has a slight, um, complex. Like, he thinks everyone is a bit below his intelligence level, I dunno if that's inferiority or superiority complex.
    -Cyrus: He is supposed to be emotionless.
    And this kinda enforces WHAT I SAID ABOUT DESCRIPTION AND EMOTIONAL DESCRIPTION. You SHOULDN'T have to tell us WHAT their personalities are like. And especially not so listy and descriptionless.

    And about the Skorupi issue, here, Rowan is like the kind of guy who keeps different kinds of Pokemon for issues like this when the regular starters are unavailable.
    Lol? I've not seen him portrayed that way in the anime or games. He only had those three starters at all, and they weren't even really official starters! DPP pretty much proves those were just leftover pokemon he was going to study.

    If you can't decently make your characters, original, twisted or canon, whatnot, start out reasonably, then maybe you should do as I said TONE DOWN HOW MANY CHARACTERS YOU ARE SHOWING OFF AT ONCE. No one ever said that they had to get their starters from Rowan. That they weren't obtained by other means. You're abusing Lol!Professor to much here.

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    my only gripe here...

    Forgetting the fact that it's short cluttered and bland

    ...is that you have the ELITE FOUR OF SINNOH and Cyrus all starting at the same time.

    Yet you have them all at different ages. Why would a twenty something married woman start her journey at that time, not forgetting about the countless trainers with FAR more experience and years training than her. Yet she still manages to make the Elite Four?

    It just doesn't make sense. These people would have been training specifically with their chosen type for years, becoming a master in their own type and becoming well known for it. For them to start at seventeen etc. and just become amazing just doesn't sit right.

    I could understand if the story was about Aaron as a young boy and inadvertently meeting his colleagues along the way, but you have it look like they are all great friends and have been for a while and all manage to reach the PEAK of trainer excellence. It's all too convenient.

    Also with Koga, it's shown that Elite Four members can come from being Gym Leaders, it'd make sense that some of the older members were gym leaders first and then chosen by some electorate committee in order to be 'promoted' as it were.
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    Actually, Bertha IS a pretty experienced trainer, (not a Gym Leader though). And this isn't exactly starting her journey (as you'll see later).
    I had to go look up who Flint was
    Epic lol. I mean, Flint?
    ELITE FOUR OF SINNOH
    I was hoping to keep that sort of secret but then you get to see that as soon as they were named, I guess. Oh yeah, one more thing. Egg moves are quite common here and speech in ‘<’ or ‘>’ means we see what the Pokemon is saying.

    Chapter 2: The First Battle

    Flint and Cyrus took their places outside. The yard behind the lab was conveniently rectangular in shape. For now, it would have to do. Flint grinned. "Firebrand, go!" he yelled, only to discover the Chimchar had already jumped onto the field.

    "I choose Murkrow," Cyrus said calmly, and the black-feathered bird, squawking, flew down from its perch on his shoulder. "Peck attack, now." Murkrow attacked, jabbing its beak at Firebrand.

    "Now, Firebrand, Bubble!" Flint ordered enthusiastically. Rowan sweatdropped and Amy muttered, "Hey, kid, Bubble's a Water type attack and Chimchar's a Fire type. Try something like, y'know, Scratch?"

    "Okay, then, Scratch!" Flint said. Firebrand swiped at Murkrow, scratching it hard. Murkrow drew back and its eye glimmered. An ethereal, ghostly translucent-blue Chimchar appeared in front of it and slashed Firebrand hard before evaporating.

    “A Mirror Move attack,” Rowan said in surprise. “Murkrow knows an Egg Move. Egg Moves are attacks passed on by the father or mother of a Pokemon to its child.” “Krooow!” Murkrow screeched, seemingly pleased.

    “Finish this, Chimchar!” Flint yelled. “Ember!” Chimchar clenched its fist, then opened it to reveal a fireball which it threw at Murkrow. The bird Pokemon moved back to evade it, and a couple of leaves were set ablaze. Flint hastily stamped them out.

    “Murkrow, Astonish,” Cyrus ordered coolly. Murkrow darted forward suddenly and hit Firebrand with the hat-like structure on its head. Firebrand cried out, darting backwards, then collapsed in exhaustion. Cyrus withdrew Murkrow, saying, “I believe that’s checkmate.” Flint gathered up his Pokemon silently, then withdrew it.

    <><><>

    “I failed you, dude,” he said a few minutes later when Firebrand woke up after being healed by Rowan. The two were alone in the room. Everyone else was taking care of their Pokemon. The Chimchar shook its head. “Chaar chaar. Chaar chim chaar chimchaar! Chim chimchar chim chaar!” it said. <Yeah, right. Stupid goody-goody trainers say ‘I failed you’ and expect me to forgive them. Well, I do! You’re a beginner, so let’s show the world our might!>

    Flint was confused. “Are you saying, we’re gonna battle the Sinnoh League?” When Chimchar nodded, he grinned. “’Kay, then! Firebrand and Flint, the blazin’ masters of the Sinnoh League! This is just one battle. Think of the hundreds that await us out there!” He paused just long enough for Chimchar to weakly get up and hoist itself onto his shoulder, then bolted out through the door, crashing into Amy.

    “Oh DARN!” she burst out explosively. “You had t’ go and hit me when I was carrying these Pokedexes! Now Uncle Eric’s going to be mad!” She gathered up the differently-colored machines on the floor. “I hope none of them broke...” She turned and glared at him. “Okay, now you’ve GOT to fix this for me before Uncle comes back at 7 P.M. Uncle uses a repairman who lives near Lake Verity to fix his stuff.” Her brown hair, previously tied in a ponytail, now cascaded down to her shoulders.

    “Here’s a Map...a bag for the ’dexes...there,” she said, handing him a scroll-like object consisting of two cylinders and a bag. When he tried to pry the cylinders apart, she laughed. “Not like that,” she said, taking the Map from him. She pressed a blue button at the base of the left cylinder and they slid apart. A digital screen appeared. It showed a water-rich region with two small islands and a large one. A green dot was placed on the blue icon in the middle left.

    “The red icons are cities and the blue ones are towns. See, that’s Twinleaf Town down there...and that’s Sandgem up here with the green dot. The green dot marks where you are.” Amy handed it back to him. “Go down there through Route 201, then west here, then up there and you have Lake Verity. There are a few stalls outside. Ask for Mike and get them fixed. OR ELSE.” She fixed him with a meaningful glare.

    “Or else what?”

    “I’m not sure, but something really bad’s gonna happen, so GO! Get lost! NOW!” Flint bolted out, trying to escape from her.

    Next chapter: “The Emotionless Cyrus”
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 16th September 2009 at 11:09 AM.
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  8. #8
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    Meh. Don't start saying what the Pokemon's names and then do the translation. Do one or the other. And it doesn't seem like you have listened to the hmm, "constructive" criticism Yami Ryu gave you. It was also kind of short. Aren't chapters supposed to be at least two pages long.

    The battle was very basic and poorly written, sorry. Take a look at what other people have written for the battles in their fan fics. The second part was also poorly written. The whole Bertha (?) dialogue was poor and where exactly did Professor Rowan go, why does Amy have a bag of PokeDex's, why haven't all of them left already?

    PLEASE improve!

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    Epic lol. I mean, Flint?
    WELL EXCUSE ME FOR NOT PLAYING THE GAMES HARD CORE FOR LIKE TWO YEARS OH EM GEE.

    And only now do I realize Oh there's another flint.

    THIS IS WHY YOU DESCRIBE

    This chapter was horrible. It could have easily been tagged onto the first and both would have been a decent chapter- to an extent. But no you had to slaughter it by thinking it was good enough to be stand alone and guess what.

    It's rushed. It's tacky. It's horrible. There's barely any description of anything. There's NOTHING interesting here. The characters are pretty flat and bland, and so aren't the pokemon. You would have actually learned something if you had gone to the AFAA but I doubt if I had even to remember mentioning it in my first post that you'd have gone there.

    So you know what you're not even trying. So I'm not going to bother to help you! :/
    Last edited by Yami Ryu; 16th September 2009 at 3:54 PM.

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    ....Like Yami Ryu said, you're focusing on too many characters in the first chapter. Furthermore, you didn't decribe. Too bland. Flat. Monotonous. For example, describe how a Skorupi looks like. You would probably go "This is a POKEMON forum. How can YOU not know what a Skorupi looks like?" But let's just say we don't know what a Skorupi looks like.

    For chapter 2, I somewhat expected Flint to protest against having to go to Lake Verity to fix the 'Dex before that "Amy forced him to. Furthermore... "<You’re a beginner, so let’s show the world our might!>"... Chimchar says this (OK, a point for at the least not making Flint understand Pokemon speech). But Flint thinks that means they're going to challenge the Sinnoh League and Chimchar says that was what it said?

    OK, I might understand since this Flint's starting region is Sinnoh...

    As a side note, this chapter looks rushed.

    I hate sugarcoating things, so I'll say it straight to your face. Your story, going the way it is now, is horrible. Your story is Flat. Monotonous. Uninteresting. No descriptions whatsoever. Go read the AFAA as Yami_Ryu suggested.

    The most important thing you need to improve on is D E S C R I P T I O N S.
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    You guys don't have to be so mean about it. It may not be the best fan fic around but this guy isn't very experienced, cut him some slack.

    I will say this though:

    READ "ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS"

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    Quote Originally Posted by yeminied View Post
    You guys don't have to be so mean about it. It may not be the best fan fic around but this guy isn't very experienced, cut him some slack.

    I will say this though:

    READ "ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS"
    Do you mean me? If you meant me as "One of the meanies", I already said that I hate sugarcoating things. I like the plot, the E4's old days. But he's focusing on WAY TOO MANY characters. Descriptions is lacking too. I know that this is a Pokemon fanfic, so we would probably know what a Chimchar looks like... But the writer should assume that the reader does not know what a Chimchar looks like. There is 493 and will have more in the future, its not like we can remember them all. Maybe Chimchar is pink with permanant pyjamas..?

    If you don't mean me, well... just ignore my above post.
    This is Turtwig, he was the most underappreciated starter in Diamond & Pearl. If you picked Turtwig as your starter, put this in your signature. (Started by Dax-360)

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    Okay, guys, I have decided to take your advice and focus on one person for 3-4 chapters, then move on to another for the next few chapters. Chapters 2 and 3 focus on Flint.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Soul Silver 1201 View Post
    Okay, guys, I have decided to take your advice and focus on one person for 3-4 chapters, then move on to another for the next few chapters. Chapters 2 and 3 focus on Flint.
    Yay! We're getting somewhere!

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    Chapter 3: The Emotionless Cyrus

    It seemed infinite, that vast pool of light...

    <><><>

    Flint skidded to a halt outside Sandgem Town. Rowan’s lab was bang in the middle of town and so it would take quite a while to reach the outside. Route 201 was surprisingly inactive for the afternoon. In Flint’s hometown in Jubilife City, the place was buzzing with people - but then, Jubilife was home to many TV stars.

    He shook his head - thoughts were buzzing through it like mad - and caught his breath before running off again. The sandy ground was still covered with light snow. He jumped over a slightly steep ledge and saw a sign that declared boldly: “Verity Lakefront”. “That’s it,” Flint said, continuing his journey. He finally reached the lakefront itself: a spread-out of stalls that were haphazardly arranged in two lines around a straight dirt-path, which he followed. Flint eventually reached the end, a short tunnel.

    <><><>

    “Dad?” the young boy asked. He was around 10 and had spiky blue hair. He was dressed simply, in a Mareep-wool shirt that occasionally buzzed with electricity to keep wild Pokemon away, and jeans that covered his sneakers. The man he was looking for was embedded irremovably in his mind: spiky blue hair like him, glasses, and green eyes.

    His father, Dr Warren Greyson. His father who had disappeared 6 years ago.


    Cyrus stared out at the vast grassland in front of him - Route 202. Memories flowed through him like a river. It was that fateful day...

    <><><>

    Flint’s limbs were heavy and his mind clouded. He staggered into the knee-high calm waters of Lake Verity. His fogged brain did not get the fact that he had gone the wrong way and reached the lake instead of the repairman’s house.

    The water rejuvenated him; he managed to stand.

    <><><>

    The young Cyrus clambered over the rocks and reached the lake, which (to him) seemed like an ocean. A small island with a cavern in the middle stared out across.

    Hope stirred in him. His father would be in the island, studying Psyduck and Golduck and whatnot. He stumbled into the water and waded as far as he could. Cyrus smiled happily, and then suddenly drew back. A strange reddish-pink light was softly shining from the cavern.


    <><><>

    Flint became aware of a cold, clammy hand which gripped his ankle suddenly. He yelled and thrashed out, about to call out Chimchar before remembering he had left him at the Pokemon Centre in Sandgem to heal.

    “Come...on...” he murmured, suddenly aware of the fact that he was alone and unprotected in a large lake with a weird hand trying to pull him into the water.

    “Yaaa! Ponyta, come on! Get him!”

    Not alone, then. A boy on a Ponyta rode up. He seemed quite experienced at riding it - it rose up on its hind legs and jumped past him. The boy grabbed Flint and pulled him onto the Ponyta. Flint suddenly felt drained. Exhausted. Weary.

    He passed out, leaning on the boy’s black shirt, and his messy red hair fell over his eyes.

    <><><>

    Flint sighed, then sat up bolt upright. He wasn’t wearing his pants. He looked down and relaxed; his legs were just numb, he had his pants on. He patted the dark, wet fabric and looked up.

    “Hey.”

    Flint saw the same boy who had rescued him at the lake. He was around 20 and dressed in a black-and-white vertically striped shirt and khaki shorts. He was standing next to his Ponyta and his blue eyes were cocky, but concerned.

    “You okay? That Octillery would have dunked you if Dashine didn’t jump. Got surprised there, myself. Didn’t know Ponyta could bounce up and down like that so fast.” The boy extended a hand. “I’m Miguel, Miguel Saunders. You’re Flint, right?”

    Flint nodded and groaned. “Owwww. My head feels like it hit a rock,” he moaned. “It did.” Miguel laughed. “Well, better hit on the head than drowned,” Flint said and stood up. “You know anyone called Mike? Repairman?”

    Miguel chuckled again. “You mean, my dad.” Flint was surprised, then whacked himself mentally. “The PokeDexes! I left ’em at the Lakefront!”

    The older boy laughed and hollered, “Dad! The guy wants his PokeDexes, are they fixed yet?” A voice yelled back, “Holy Miltank!! D’you have to shout like that? Count your blessings or you’ll be whacked, Mig!”

    “Yeah, and Murkrow’s a Water type.” Miguel snickered, then promptly shut up as his father walked in. Mike Saunders was a middle-aged man dressed in thick clothes of leather. Sparks played in his thick dark hair. A short goatee extended from his chin. In all, he looked a formidable man.

    “Here,” he said shortly, but not unkindly, thrusting six differently-colored PokeDexes into Flint’s hand. He held out the canvas bag Flint had taken them in. “By the way, Amelia called. Amelia Rowan, a.k.a. Amy,” he added, seeing the confusion on Flint’s face.

    “Professor’s niece. She said, if you need to get back by eight, you better get your butt moving, boy. Only one way to get to Sandgem from here.” Mike looked at Miguel pointedly.

    The boy’s face fell. “Oh darn.” He recalled Dashine into a Great Ball and held it out. “Here. I’m afraid, you’ve got greater need for Dashine then me. Besides, he’s not mine, he’s Dad’s, and it’s Dad’s choice. He’s decided. Take care of him...” Miguel launched into a short lecture on how to treat lice, which hoof polish to use, etc. When Flint wasn’t looking, he quickly wiped a tear off.

    “Don’t worry, Dashine’ll be fine with me!” Flint called, releasing the Ponyta and riding off. Except, he fell off before he could ride more than two feet away.

    <><><>

    The glow grow more intense and harsh. Cyrus shouted. A strange elfin being emerged. It wore a pink helmet with two ear-like flaps on either side, and a pink jewel in the centre of its foreheads. Its small body was light blue. Two tails hung behind it.

    “Koooiaaou,” it whispered. Cyrus no longer screamed. He drew closer, enchanted by the jewel. He leaned forward and daringly put a finger on its jewel. Suddenly he shot bolt upright, his pupil contracting. The two flew into the air, connected by a pink glow. A pulse slipped through Cyrus’ fingers and was absorbed by the jewels. Cyrus fell down. He appeared to be sleeping, but with his eyes open. Half an hour later, he would be found, but something was wrong.

    His blue eyes appeared faded. Slowly, they diminished more in colour until they were a mix of a dull blue and grey.

    He had fallen prey to the touch of the Being of Emotions, and in his admiration of his beauty, he had lost all his own emotions.


    Next chapter: “Rival Battle with Palmer”

    One more thing: go to this site and scroll down to Cyrus. The sentence about Cyrus being emotionless is where I got the idea for this chapter.

    Dashine pronunciation: Dah (‘ah’ = a as in apple)+ shine

    BTW, Mespirit’s whisper is actually a translation of its cry in the games & this chapter is a bit more than 2 and a half pages long.

    Chapter 4 will be on Aaron & Palmer, Chapter 5 will be on Bertha and Chapter 6-8 on Lucian & Palmer. Cynthia will be introduced around Chapter 14. Next, I'll post a quick 'interlude' - a short chapter - in between Chapters 3 & 4.
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 19th September 2009 at 7:47 AM. Reason: spam double post
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  16. #16
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    I'll post a quick 'interlude' - a short chapter
    SO DON'T BASH ME for making this pseudo-chapter short. It may not be more than one page in length, but I'd already made my plans and I couldn't add another chapter.

    New: Rosters will be posted in the beginning of each chapter.
    ROSTER
    Aaron:
    Bertha: ,
    Flint: ,
    Lucian:
    Cyrus: ,

    .: 1st Interlude :.

    Rowan tsk-tsked. "A dangerous journey, boy. You should have left the PokeDexes as they were and not attempted to get them fixed yourself. Still, you have come back the wiser. Anyway..." he sighed.

    All five were assembled around the table in the same room in which they obtained their starters. Lucian and Cyrus hung on Rowan's every word. Flint was checking up on Firebrand. Aaron was examining his Poketch. Bertha seemed at home, not doing anything in particular except listening to Rowan.

    "The five of you have clearly proved this - you are up to the task I must now give you. These PokeDexes are important devices that were originally invented by the renown Professor Samuel Oak of the Kanto region. Each Professor of each region - including Professor James Elm and Professor David Birch - has improved upon his own PokeDex.

    "In each region, the Professor would entrust a few highly qualified trainers with a PokeDex. These trainers would then wander the region, combining their own goals with the aim of filling the PokeDex with information on every native Pokemon in the region. However, many Pokemon from one region were likely to appear in another, whereas all the Pokemon from one region need not appear in that region.

    "For example, we all know that Porygon may be found in the wild in Sinnoh. However, its evolutions, Porygon2 and PorygonZ, are not found naturally in the wild - they must be traded between trainers holding an item. Also, Weavile are not found in the wild, but their pre-evolutions, Sneasel, are. Sneasel, incidentally, evolves by obtaining a high amount of experience at night while in close proximity to a Razor Claw.

    "I have decided to entrust you five with these PokeDexes. Here." Saying so, he lifted out a PokeDex from the canvas bag on the table, and they all leaned forward, Flint and Aaron suddenly interested, to see the strange PokeDex.

    [Image of the PokeDex]

    At first it looked like a simple red box-shaped object with two circular protuburences. On the right black-colored protuburence lay a green button inside two grey circles. Then Rowan touched the green button and the box opened. On the top side, the part that had covered the left protuburence had a few dots, like a loudspeaker would. The middle had a screen which was blank.

    On the lower side, the left protuberence was sunk slightly inwards and held a grey + shaped button. In the middle, there was another screen that was blank. Next to it were two buttons set on a strip of black. And that was it - the PokeDex.

    "Now, this PokeDex is the 'default' version, red in color. However there are a few other colors. Take which you wish," Rowan ended, removing the other five PokeDexes. Flint and Aaron grabbed an orange-and-white and a green-and-blue version respectively. Bertha selected a grey-and-black one and Lucian, a purple-and-white one. Cyrus took the last one, a black-and-grey one.

    "Now that's settled," Rowan said. "This is not a regional PokeDex. This is the National Dex V2...a PokeDex which has record of all the Pokemon in these 4 regions. The original V1 National Dex had only the Kanto, Johto and Hoenn Pokemon recorded in it. This National Dex has complete information on all Pokemon in the world, but we need even more information for the V3, and thus, you must travel Sinnoh. I believe, you have travelled another region?" The last sentence was directed at Bertha, who nodded.

    "Yes, the Hoenn region. There, I started with a Mudkip and ended up with a Marshtomp, a Barboach and a Baltoy. Marshtomp and Baltoy are at my home in Rustboro, though," she answered.

    "Well, then," Rowan said cheerfully, standing up with a wave of his hand signifying the end of the meeting. "We'll meet again, I hope. Your next stop is Jubilife City."
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 22nd September 2009 at 9:04 AM. Reason: Protuberence spelling confirmed
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  17. #17
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    Aaron: ,
    Palmer:

    Chapter 4: Rival Battle with Palmer

    Aaron hummed as he walked through Jubilife City’s outer edge. He looked up and noticed a small beehive on the tree. Being the bug-lover that he was, he pulled out a camera and snapped a picture of it. The click, strangely, seemed to disturb a few Pokemon. A strange Pokemon that looked like a few golden/yellow honeycombs grouped up buzzed out. It had what looked like smiley faces on the combs, two antennae and a pair of wings.

    “Nnannann!” it buzzed angrily. Aaron grinned happily. “Yeah, all right, time to get you - but first...” He rummaged through his new blue-and-green backpack and pulled out the green-and-white PokeDex that Rowan had given them the last night. Aaron pointed the PokeDex at the Pokemon.

    ~Combee, the Tiny Bee Pokemon.~, the PokeDex said in a cool male voice. Combee’s picture flashed up. ~The trio is together from birth. It constantly gathers honey from flowers to please VESPIQUEN, its evolution. Combee’s known attacks: Sweet Scent, Gust.~

    “’Kay, then, go, Scorp!” Aaron said. He tossed out a PokeBall, releasing Skorupi. Then, remembering he didn’t know any of Skorupi’s attacks, he pointed the PokeDex at Scorp. ~Skorupi, the Scorpion Pokemon. As soon as the tail claws close, its needle tips secrete poison. It can survive a year without food. Skorupi’s known attacks: Bite, Poison Sting, Leer.~

    “Scorp, Poison Sting!” Aaron said. Scorp leaped into battle with a whistling sound, and jabbed Combee with a needle on its forelegs. A few welts popped up. “Nnaa!” it protested, then launched a Gust attack. A small tornado of wind and leaves whacked into Scorp, and the Skorupi fell over.

    “Leer!” Aaron said. Scorp’s angular diamond-shaped blue eyes turned an angry red and it whistled more harshly. Combee, whose anger was replaced by fear, shrank back, retaliating with a Sweet Scent. A calm breeze with a heady smell of fragrant petals and incense wafted from its body. Scorp’s eyes turned back to normal and Combee immediately attacked again with Gust. The super-effective attack left Scorp with only half of its total health. Combee wasn’t doing much better either.

    “You’re mine!” the boy crowed, throwing out a PokeBall that sucked in the honeybee-like Pokemon. The PokeBall rattled hard, then became still. Aaron picked it up and released Combee. “Nnn,” it buzzed, annoyed at its treatment. First attacked, then sucked into an uncomfortable containment chamber. Then it calmed down a bit, buzzing, <Eh, if he gets me to evolve, then I’ll come back and chuck out those other idiots. I’ll be a Vespiquen then! A real Queen!>. Finally it seemed happier with Aaron and even consented to being stroked, although it buzzed a bit fiercely when Scorp curiously extended a foreleg; that sting still hurt a bit.

    <Hey, hey! Please! Peace!> Scorp cried, falling over and waving his legs, although it didn’t wave its tail in fear of stinging Aaron. Combee buzzed suspiciously, then said, <All right, but when you’re big and strong and a Drapion, and I’m a queen, we’ll show no mercy to anyone who dares threaten our trainer!>

    Scorp was a bit puzzled. <You’re a girl?>

    <Duh! Why else would I think of evolving? I’m a rare girl Combee, and I got one chance in a thousand of being a trainer-owned Vespiquen. If I was a male, I’d just be a stupid worker and not a maid like I used to be until he disturbed me.> The outburst ended with Combee pointing its antennae at Aaron. The latter was saying, “Queen? No, I don’t know if it’s a girl, but it might be...ah, well, you might just - wait! I’ve got it!”
    Aaron bent down and said proudly, “Combee, your new name is VeeBee!”

    <VB?> VeeBee asked in confusion.

    “Yup, VeeBee!” Aaron confirmed. VeeBee turned and did the Pokemon equivalent of sticking its tongue out at Skorupi, who was spluttering with laughter. Scorp immediately pulled itself together and became as grave as a judge.

    “Huh, nice Pokemon.” The voice came from a boy, around 16, leaning against a tree. He had watched the drama unfold. Aaron looked at him curiously. He had fair blond hair that was quite long and a bit messy and was dressed in leather boots, a white-and-orange striped shirt, and a green jacket that was a bit too big for him.

    “I’m Palmer, Palmer Pearl,” he introduced himself, scratching his forehead slightly as he held out his hand, which Aaron shook. “Wanna battle? Then I can see for myself how strong you are.” Aaron accepted the proposition with a grin and gestured at Scorp, who was now chasing VeeBee. The Skorupi looked up and said, <Ooh, a battle! Then I’m up for it.>

    “Okay, go, Dratini!” Palmer said, tossing out a serpentine, scaly creature with a marshmallow nose. Most of its back was blue, and its shiny eyes were proud. “A Dratini? They’re incredibly rare!” Aaron gasped. “My dad got it when he was fishing in Kanto,” Palmer said by way of explanation.

    ~Dratini, the Dragon Pokemon. It is called the "Mirage Pokemon" because so few have seen it. Its shed skin has been found. Dratini’s known attacks: Leer, Wrap, Thunder Wave.~ The PokeDex immediately provided the information on Dratini, but it wasn’t Aaron’s. Palmer held out his own green-and-black PokeDex.

    <What next, Lord Pearl?> Dratini inquired in a part-self-important, part-irritated tone. <I do not wish to be woken up from by slumber only to be smugly talked to by that...that thing.>

    <Ratini means, he doesn’t like to be woken up from his sleep to be talked about by the PokeDex,> Scorp said to VeeBee, who looked thoroughly puzzled.

    <My name is Dratini, not Ratini, mortal,> Dratini declared haughtily.

    <Oh, so now we’re mortals, eh, Marshmallow Nose? What are you, a God?> VeeBee said the last word in a haughty tone imitating Dratini’s previous voice. The verbal argument was brought to an end as Aaron yelled, “For the last time, Scorp, use Leer!”

    <Okay, okay,> Skorupi said, glaring at Dratini. Before its eyes had even turned red, Dratini yelped. <Stop looking at me like that, peasant Pokemon! I know I look smart! Aeee!> It turned and begged, <Lord Pearl, free me from the desirous gazes of those mortals!> Without waiting for an order, it returned to its Ball.

    Palmer groaned. “Not again. I have a notion my Dratini’s a bratty worm, not a proud, cool Dragon-type Pokemon. Anyways, nice meetin’ ya.” The two parted ways.

    Scorp and VeeBee looked at each other, then burst out laughing at the vain Dratini.

    Next chapter: “Shock!! Team Blitz!!”
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  18. #18
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    Bump! I'm back from my 10-day safari! Just to let you know, anyway.
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