Shipping fics go in the shipping section for the most part....
This doesn't sound like Misty at all. Maybe when she first met Ash, but now? No, I'm sure she'd go toe to toe to get Ash if she really desires him. Here you don't have her sounding like any Misty I've read of, and instead have her sounding like some spurned Ex who has nothing better to do but mope around her house and lay on the denial so thick as it's evident you want this to be AshxDawn for the most part as otherwise Ash wouldn't be with Dawn atm. So why even bother?
Misty slid herself down against a wall near the cottage she was renting for her stay in Pallet Town. Tears streamed down from her eyes as she sniffled pitifully. So this is it, she thought. Ash isn't available anymore. That **** Dawn got to him first! Misty felt bad for herself. She didn't really think that of Dawn. She was just upset that after six years of working up the nerve to ask Ash out, he already had plans with Dawn.
This isn't fair, she thought miserably. I saw Ash first, that means I should get first dibs! She wiped the tears from her eyes. It's only one date, she thought, a little more cheerfully. Maybe I can ask him out tomorrow. She got back up and headed for her cottage, ready for a nice long nap.
If it's for the added drama or emotional value, don't. Two seconds into Misty's mind to see raging hormones isn't how you garner any drama or emotion for the most part. All it is is one quick, and far to quick, snippet into a very distorted and distraught character's mind.
Delia getting angry? And what no Mr Mime/Mimey helping her out.. strange.
He creaked open the door to his home. Upstairs, he could hear his mother working, no doubt on new clothes for him. He tiptoed up the staircase and snuck into his mother's sewing room. His hunch had been right- his mother, Delia, was hard at work on a black jacket. Not making a sound, Ash crept behind Delia and tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped and accidentally pricked her finger on her needle. Sticking her finger in her mouth, she spun around with an angry look on her face which quickly disappeared when she saw who she was looking at.
The other thing is, why would anyone sneak up on someone sewing? Especially your mother?
And shouldn't Delia be more surprised-afraid than surprised-angry at the fact someone snuck into her house, avoided Mimey, and got to her...?
yes because Ash can see through walls. Or his manhood gives him the ability to sense the location of any girl he's traveled with in a 30 mile radius.
"Yeah, sure," said Ash, although his attention was elsewhere. For at that moment, a young woman was running toward the Ketchum house.
The girl had long, flowing black hair, neatly straightened. She wore a black dress, which ended in a short pink skirt. a red scarf was tied around her neck. Ash recognized her immediately as his old friend Dawn.
He heard a knock at the door, which he guessed meant that Dawn had arrived. Ash nodded at his mother and went downstairs to answer the door.
Then, why would he nod to his mother before leaving to answer the door? There's no verbal exchange of any sort between the two. She doesn't say oh Ash please go answer the door because my finger which you made me prick is still bleeding, my beloved son.
This whole scene is really just a bad setup to introduce the random arival of Dawn.
Does NOT sound like the Dawn from the anime, and I doubt she's really interested in Ash or atleast interested enough to ask him to go out with him. Or even be the one to broach the subject. Tbh she seems more focused on contests and her pokemon than possibly getting it on in any way shape or form, or even dating, Ash Ketchum.
"What is it?" he questioned. Dawn gulped and started avoiding loking directly at Ash. "Um, well..." she began. "Would you... that is, if you're not doing anything later..." She took a deep breath. "Would you consider going on a date with me?" Ash was taken aback. He didn't know what to say, so he just scratched his neck and stammered, "Um... okay. Yeah. Yeah, sure Dawn, I'll go out with you."
Dawn squealed. "Thank you!" she said, hugging Ash again. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to ask you that!" Ash's face felt red: now he was the one who was blushing.
You then avoid any real depth or emotion to this scene or any building for anything as right after Ash Ketchum accepts Dawn's proposal to go steady- or atleast date. I mean hanging out would have been fine but no it has to be a date.
At anyrate you imediately leap from this to THE NEXT SCENE.
.. Biru.. league?
Later, Ash was with all of the friends he had made over the years:Professor Oak, his grandson Gary, Misty, Brock, Tracey Sketchit, May, Max, Drew, Dawn, Barry, and others. They were all congratulating him on his standing in the Biru League: he had been in the top four. He felt someone tap him on his shoulder. He turned around to find Misty, the first person who had ever traveled with him, facing him, biting her lip nervously.
And at anyrate once again you show that this is a shipping fic where all you are going to focus on is like four characters because the rest aren't described. They're just listed off in name. Ash doesn't interact with them. There's no real partying, no socializing, just cold hard lines of you telling us what was going on and who was there and that everyone dropped everything they were doing just to come to Ash's special event just to be emotionless, descriptionless cut outs.
Because we need Ash and Misty drama now!
Overall this feels like some bad, bad shoujo manga for romance or some bad soap opera drama directed at teenagers. There's no real setting or description outside of what you realize is the bare bones of what is needed to string the story along.
You rush from scene to scene, leaving out any chances for emotional development or insight, causing the characters to further show the fact that they're twisted and hollow shells of themselves just for a Shipping Fic. This is further proven when you randomly name off people and characters but only have Ash interact, for two seconds with Misty. You then skip about scenes so much that by the ending we've gone through what could have made a good chapter if paced and set up right, in only a matter of well, seconds.
If you do want to improve, go read Advice for Aspiring Authors/AFAA, and put a bit more thought and time into the next chapter. Write out the full scenes, don't go skipping just because oh this moment ended because Dawn or Misty or Ash left.
If you don't want to improve upon the emotional development/interaction/description/etc of what I've said you need to work out on, then just request a mod to move this to shipping fics where standards aren't as high.