Skipping past the first chapter since it's recived crit already.
So did Pikachu suddenly get replaced? And It? It it it it it? IT? Seriously you're using the anime as an excuse to not give a gender to a pokemon, when even the games now, and manga, have genders for pogermonz? Bad.
"Buizel!" Ash shouted in terror. "Hang on, Buizel," He sobbed, leaning over it, trying to wake it up. "You've been my friend for a long time. Don't die. Oh, please don't die."
So dying is allowed? Murder is allowed? No one bats an eye at the death of a pokemon? Paul is now made into a stupid, selfish, ignorant taunting *******, just to give Ash further torment at the death of his genderless blob of pokeflesh?
"Buizel is unable to battle. Ursaring wins!" said the referee.
"Come on Ash." Paul taunted. "Who's going to die next?"
Afaik, in pokemon, they fight untill one is unable to fight anymore; it doesn't end in death. And even if it does, if it is based like in the Pokemon Verse, it's more 'mature' in the sense that, the trainer doesn't break down into bawling tears as the referee monotonly announces the victor of a battle.
There's real emotion in the life or death struggling.
Lets take this in stride.
Ash whirled on Paul "How dare you disrespect my Buizel! How can you even think of battle at a time like this. My Buizel's not even breathing, possibly even dead on the ground, and you want me to battle? Someone get him to a Pokemon center immediately!" As if on cue, three Nurse Joys ran onto the sandy battlefield with a stretcher. They gingerly placed the lifeless Buizel on the stretcher and carried him off to the Pokemon center.
"Don't worry, Ash. Your Buizel will go to our best surgeon. He'll pull through. I'm sure of it." One of the Nurses reassured him.
The buizel is lying, motionless on the ground. His/her/its heart is stopped. There is no breathing. It's like this for atleast 30 seconds. There is a reason why people rush those who aren't breathing to a hospital while attempting to bypass what is obstructing breathing. Why? You can pretty much become a brain dead vegitable in only a few minutes with lack of oxygen getting to the brain.
Then, instead of showing how much he ****ing cares for his pokemon, scooping Buizel up in his arms, Ash yells out in indignant rage of MY POKERMANZ IS DYING!!! Only a bit longer and a bit more of a rant.
Then, then on top of that a trio of Nurse Joy appear. Nurse Joy; who can tame a Gyarados or put the fear of god into pokemon trainers. Oh they can, trust me no one is that much of a pacifist and so loving without feeling some rage at possible abuse of pokemon, you have one of these people, offhandedly remark, oh it'll pull through, you see, we'll make sure he'll get the best doctor!!
Decide on a gender. IS IT AN IT OR HAS IT GOT A TOMMYWHACKER. CHOOSE ONE.
Lol. What.. the hell. I don't watch the anime but I am pretty sure Paul cares about stats of a pokemon, not about being a showboat ***** for attention.
"Ash." said Paul. "The battle must go on, you know. Or will you..." He paused, and threw
up his hands. "Forfiet?" The crowd drew in a collective gasp.
So Ash can understand all his pokemon, whay. Wut a way for originality. At anyrate; why is Staraptor calling Ash Boss, it doesn't sound the type to go boss, hey boss, boss, look at me boss, aren't I your greatest pokemon boss! Amigawd boss I am your biggest fa- yeah.
(Why is it so quiet, boss?) It wondered. It spread its wings as it asked curiously, (What's with that look on your face?)
"Staraptor," Ash began quietly. "Well.. just don't get hurt. I don't want to lose another one of you."
That and what the hell is with Bipolar Ash. You're having him flipflop and be even worse than he is in the anime; he cares about his pokemon oooh wah wah sob, yet here he obviously doesn't care enough to realize his Staraptor of genderless persuasion could be hurt severely or killed since obviously he is far, far outclassed by Paul- because he just says, Try not to get hurt. I don't want to lose you too, since I don't have the balls to actually admit defeat when I should.. Yeah.
Where is Ash and what the hell is with this clone you replaced him with? I want to punch this clone, so hard. Ash was bad enough but this clone, this indecisive, sniveling, emo clone of utter worthless pathetic choices, thoughts and emotions makes me rage and makes me rage hard. Mostly because it's annoying. It's ANNOYING.
"Um... fly in the air to dodge it, I guess." said Ash uncertainly.
I'm a meek little thing named Ash, and I'm meek and I'm so meek that I'll meekly continue to battle and cause my pokemon to die, wah wah wah.
I want to kill it with a spoon.
So Staraptor suddenly grew a birdy manhood? Epic.
"Damn it. He's paralyzed." Said Ash angrily.
This part of the chapter is so far vastly under developed description and emotional wise. I just can't feel compelled to feel sorry for this pathetic snotbag you claim is Ash. I don't feel sorry for the talking rocks that are supoosedly gendershifting pokemon. I don't feel anything for the ClicheRival that you replaced Paul with.
EXAMPOLE OF EMOTION.
'Damnit!' Ash swore out under his breath, almost out of character, but he was so infuriated. How could he allow Buizel to come so dangerously close to death, and now his Staraptor! "Come on, fight the paralysis!" Ash shouted out, trying to hide the fear and anger from his tone, but he sounded far, far from confident.
Bad example but meh. No you may not use.
Wait what Professor Oak? Why is he here? Why is everyone here? Why are they standing around, commenting like your average joe bystanders? Why aren't they worried about Ash, or rather questioning why this pathetic snot clone replaced him- OR WORRIED ABOUT THE SUPPOSEDLY DYING GENDERLESS BUIZEL.
"Hey, that's true, May." said Oak. "To be fair, Ash never launched a single attack. Reggie has got a point."
THIS IS JOHTO.
Yawn. Hello narrator Brock, who should be distracted by the fact he just let three Nurse Joy's slip past him without ever getting a chance to make a move. Yes, why don't you yell us exactly why, in every little detail in a giant text block, Why Snot Clone, is doing so bad.
"Okay, you guys are all supporting Ash, right? Well, not you-" he added hastily as Reggie opened his mouth to say something. "But most of you. So can't we all just get along?" There was a murmured assent from both sides. "Good. Now, I have a theory about why Ash is doing so badly."
Before or after her duty as a Gym Leader...?
said Misty angrily. "I'm going to DO something about it!" She stormed off in a huff.
Oh now Paul is a polite *******. He had no problems before with nearly killing, I assume, every single one of Ash's prior pokemon. But now he has a sudden change of heart, because INTERNET LAWYER may sue him? Or something? Cause sure as hell can't be Snot Clone, or any judges. Or the crowd. Or the Ref. No one seems to care, not even Ash, that Paul has basically cold blooded, monstrous, murderous rocks under his command in the guise of pokemon.
"Get under it and hammer arm! But," He added in a low tone. "A bit softer this time. I don't want to get sued."
This story sucks. Seriously. The characters are so out of character I can't even recognize them. What little description you have, is barely enough to set the scene for the pokemon's looks. Any of the battling, emotion, actions, anything, even the attacks, are left up to what little you do throw out, which is barely even enough to imagine up something even slightly like the attacks or settings you so poorly leave undescribed.
There's also the fact there's no depth to any of the characters; Ash has been turned into a pathetic creature. Paul is now GenericAssholeRival. Ash's 'crew' are now just stand ins for commentary and explaining everything to us because you sure as hell aren't trying to SHOW us.
Work on description, on detail, on emotion, emotional depths, on actions and interactions. On building a world and showing it to us instead of using talking pokemon and Brock to tell it to us or whatever. I suggest you also read Advice for Aspiring Authors, and maybe some of the stories posted here by better authors, because you seriously need to improve.
If you don't want to do all this- request this thread be moved to the shipping forum, for as far as I know, most of the people that go there are more lax on quality or actually giving out helpful advice.