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Thread: The Battle for Petalburg (Advanceshippingg, with a bit of some other ships. PG)

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    Default The Battle for Petalburg (Advanceshippingg, with a bit of some other ships. PG)

    Okay. This is my very first fic, and it might not be great. I am a slow writer, so expect updates to trickle in pretty slowly. You can expect technical problems, writer's bloxk, me being unable to grt to the computer, the works. As I said, this has Advanceshipping, with small hints of a few other ships, too. Enjoy.


    Chapter One: Let the Battle Begin!

    Ash walked onto the dusty battlefield and looked to the sky. The sun was fading behind gray thunderclouds. It might begin to rain soon, he thought. Now how can I work that in to my strategy? The numerous fans in the bleachers could practically see the gears whirring in his mind as he thought. That was Ash. Always adapting, using situations outside of his control to his advantage. Ash scanned the crowd, looking for his friends and traveling companions Dawn, the energetic coordinator, and Brock, the reliable gym leader. Nope, not a familiar face. He waved to the crowd, and a cheer erupted. He then glared across the field at his adversary.

    "Okay, Paul." said Ash cheerfully to the grim, sullen trainer in his usual melancholy pose with one hand in his pocket as they walked to their respective sides of the battlefield. "I want a good fight out of you. Don't lose to me too easily!"

    Paul's only sign that he heard Ash's comment was an almost imperceptible grunt. Paul turned away, paused for a moment, and walked over to the other side of the field. When he turned, Ash saw that his eyes were cold. All he wanted was to win the championship and be one step closer to being a Pokemon Master.

    "This will be a full six on six battle! The finals of the pokemon league! Ash and Paul! Commence Battling!" yelled the refferee.

    Ash turned his hat backwards in determination and pulled a pokeball out of his pocket.

    "Alright, let's start off strong." he mutterred. "Buizel, I choose you!" The Sea weasel pokemon burst out of its pokeball and stared at Ash disbelivingly, flicking its tail in annoyance. it gestured with its finned arms to the sky, as it to ask, Why me?

    (Ash, why do I have to go first?) he whined. (I want to make a really climactic triple KO of Paul's last three pokemon.)

    "Be quiet, buizel. Let's make this serious."

    (Okay. I'll be quiet. I'll be so quiet, you won't even...)

    "Quiet! I can't focus."

    (Sorry, boss. I know you can't focus, what with May being up in the stands and all...)

    "Wait just a minute. May's up there?"

    (Yeah, boss. I knew you wouldn't be able to focus once I said her name...)

    Ash took a deep breath and said, "Buizel. I know you're excited, but please be quiet. I need to think up a battle plan."

    (For the the battle or for May? Because you haven't seen her in a while-)

    "Buizel, SHUT UP!"

    (Sorry, boss.)

    Regaining his composure, Ash said "I'm the one that should be sorry. I'm kind of tense, since this is the league championship."

    (It's okay, boss. Everybody messes up. Plus, you know, I said May and you got-)

    "Buizel..." Ash warned in a dangerous tone.

    (Sorry.)

    "Now, what's holding up Paul?" Ash wondered. He looked up from Buizel and noticed that the entire stadium was silent, trying to follow his and Buizel's interactions. Paul had a pokeball in his hand and was tapping his feet on the ground, impatiently waiting for the battle to begin. Ash looked around nervously.

    Oh, man, it's a good thing May hasn't been around Buizel enough to understand it. Ash thought. She would think that I liked her or something! That would be ridiculous. I wonder why Buizel thought so?

    “Okay, everything's fine over here!" Ash said nervously.

    "Then let's finally get this show on the road." said paul. "Ursaring, stand by for battle!" The large, intimidating bear Pokemon materialized on the battlefield.


    ***


    In the stands, Brock, Dawn, May, Misty, Tracey, Mrs Ketchum, Professor Oak, and Reggie were sitting in two rows, with the girls and Brock on the bottom. Misty fidgeted on the cold, hard metal as she waited for the match to start.

    "Ooh." Said Brock. "That's a tough matchup. Remember when that ursaring attacked us?"

    "How could I forget?" said Dawn.

    "Still, that's only half as tough as Paul's Pokemon can get." Brock remarked.

    "What!" exclaimed Mrs. Ketchum disbelivingly. "That's not his strongest pokemon?"

    "Yep. Nowhere near. Remember that Electabuzz, Dawn?" said Brock.

    "Of course I do, I don't have Alzhiemer's, Brock."

    "Ash's team has a fatal weakness to electric types in this battle. With Buizel, Monferno, Staraptor, Swellow, Heracross, and Pikachu, three of Ash's Pokemon are weak to electric, with only Pikachu sporting a resistance!"

    "Why isn't Ash using his Charizard?" asked Misty.

    "He left it at the Charific valley after it got hit by that Wartortle's hydro pump." Dawn replied

    "Oh, yeah." Misty recalled. "I saw that match on TV. What about Snorlax?"

    "He lent it to Max so that he could practice battling against your father, remember?" said Brock.

    "How should I know?" said Misty. "I'm a Kanto gym leader, remember?"

    "That makes all three of ash's main powerhouses gone, since Sceptile is at the Pokemon center." said May.

    "How'd Sceptile get knocked out?" wondered Reggie. "I remember Ash saying he was saving Sceptile for this match."

    "Sceptile got knocked out by a blaze kick not 30 minutes before the match." said May

    "Whose?" asked Reggie.

    "Umm, my Blaziken's" said May, abashed.

    "What? How was that?" Asked Reggie.

    "Well, they were sparring, warming him up for the match. Sceptile's leaf blades were locked with Blaziken's sky uppercuts, and Bazekin blaze kicked Sceptile in the chest. The super-effective hit knocked Sceptile out cold. That's why he had to call up Heracross from Oak's" said Dawn

    "Ouch." said Misty "That's ash's three strongest pokemon out of the picture,"

    "I can't see how he can possibly beat Paul with this lineup." said Dawn dejectedly

    "Oh, I have faith in Ash" said May emotionally. "I've traveled with him long enough to know that he can turn the tide of the battle as quickly as I can eat a bowl of ramen."

    "Well, if he's that fast, Paul's got no chance." Mrs. Ketchum joked as she took a bite of hot dog.


    ***


    "I woinder if Mrs. Twoip recognoised us?" said a short man with yellowish skin in between a woman with long pink hair that stayed as if molded from out the back of her head and a man with a cobalt blue mat of hair. They often looked backwards fearfully, as if making sure nobody heard their conversation.

    "I don't think so, Meowth." said the blue haired man. "After all, she didn't recognise us at any of the other League battles we were vendors at."

    "Yeah, but it can't hurt to be careful, James." said the one called Meowth.

    "Excuse me." James, Meowth, and the pink haired one, who was obviously Jessie of the Team Rocket trio, looked up from where they were arguing. They saw a tall boy with emerald hair standing behind them.

    "Yes?" said Jessie, hoping that he hadn't overheard their whole argument.

    "I was just wondering," The green haired man began. "Have you seen a girl coordinator with brown hair in a red bandanna?"

    "He's talking about the twoipette from Hoenn." whispered Meowth to Jessie.

    "I know, I know." said Jessie.

    "Well, I wanted to talk to her," continued the boy "My name's Drew, by the way. Do I know you from somewhere?"

    "N...n...n...no!" Jessie stammered. "Not at all! You, absolutely, positively, without any doubt do NOT know us from anywhere!"

    "Okay..." Drew said slowly. "But seriously, have you seen her?

    "Yes, we just served a companion of hers a hot dog. Would you like one?" Asked James

    "No! Just tell me where she is already!"

    "Okay!" James said defensively. "She's In the thirteenth row, seat twenty-two. Or twenty-three. or maybe it was the..."

    "GAH!" exclaimed Drew. "I'll just look around there and see if I see her."

    "Good bye!" said Jessie. "And remember, you don't know us! At all!"

    "Oh brother." Drew said, exasperated. He bade them good bye and he walked away, muttering about strange food vendors.

    "Why are we even being hot dog vendors in the first place?" Said Jessie. "It's a huge security risk! WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

    "Um..." James

    "It was yoirs, Jess." said Meowth.

    "Oh! Well, in that case, it is an excellent and honest way to make money when we can't go after Pikachu!" said Jessie brightly.

    "Oh," muttered James, sweatdropping. "Of course it is.

    "Now that's the attitude I like to hear!"


    ***


    "Buizel versus Ursaring! Let the battle begin!" said the referee. "Finally." he muttered under his breath.

    "Let's start off strong, Buizel!" Yelled Ash. "Send it a water gun!

    "Fire a focus blast right at the stream of water, Ursaring!" Countered Paul.

    Buizel fired a water gun out of its mouth, and a concentrated jet of water flew straight towards Ursaring. Right as the water was about to come into contact with the bear, it shot a ball of energy that it had ben charging at the jet. The water gun was beaten back, and the combined attack went directly at Buizel.

    "Buizel, jump into the air and give him three sonic booms."

    The sea otter pokemon leapt into the air, and the mixture of focus blast and water gun passed beneath him with room to spare. He then set off three sonic booms in rapid succession, sending sharp razor blades at Ursaring.

    "Dig, and charge up a focus blast while underground." said Paul

    Ursaring simply waited underground as the sonicbooms slammed into the sand.

    "Hurry, buizel!" Shouted Ash "Repeatedly quick attack across the field so it can't surprise you!'

    Buizel crisscrossed the field with quick attacks while Paul and Ursaring waited.

    "Ready.." muttered Paul "Now!"

    Ursaring came out from underground and was about to use its focus blast when he was toppled over by Buizel's incoming quick attack.
    "Nice, buizel! Now, while it's still down, use Aqua Jet!"

    "Hurry! Grab it with crunch!"

    A wedge of water formed around Buizel, and it shot forward at the Ursaring, who unexpectedly jackknifed to its feet and clenched Buizel in its jaw.

    Ash gasped. How had Ursaring gotten up so fast?

    "Hold it there, Ursaring" commanded Paul

    Buizel was trapped, and its energy was draining, fast. Ash had to do something.

    "Give it a cross chop." Said ash desperatley.

    "Okay, now throw it in the air!'

    Buizel's fins began to glow, but with an almighty heave, Buizel was thrown into the sky. The cross chop hit air.

    "Use your tail to hover!" said Ash

    "Hammer it with a focus blast!"

    Buizel was hovering thirty feet in the air when it got hit by a focus blast. Buizel was knocked another forty feet, and he began to descend. Out of control, it was streaking toward the ground at high speed as Paul said,

    "Hammer arm it to the next city, Ursaring!"

    Ursaring drew back its powerful arm, and then, like a tennis player serving the ball, he swung over head and slammed Buizel into the arena wall. Buizel never even had a chance. It slumped to the ground. Ash saw the scarlet blood trickling out of its mouth. Paul grinned. Ash ran up to Buizel, in shock. He put a hand over its mouth. It wasn't breathing.

    Please Review!
    Last edited by dragontamer23; 21st October 2009 at 12:14 AM.
    Advanceshipping! Ash and May all the Way

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    WOW this is good.
    NNNOOOOOOOOOO BUIZLZE WHOS GONNA HUMILATE ASH NOW

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    I say this quite a lot, but I'd like more description. There's no reason I shouldn't be reading this and have a clear picture of what the world around the characters looks like. The arena, the weather, anything worth mentioning. In fact, is this arena empty? Looking it over now, I see no indication to whether there's a cheering crowd or a barren sea of metal beyond the characters mentioned. Bring the world alive so readers have a clear image of the story you've written.

    Also, there seems to be a punctuation problem lying about; a number of sentences don't have punctuation at the end of them. Read it over to find such mistakes- fix them, too. I see no justification for leaving a sentence open if you edited this.

    Otherwise, I guess it's pretty good. I'm not the biggest fan of shipping fics, so I'll never "love" this, but you at least didn't have any major errors. It was readable, which flows well with me.
    Last edited by ShiniyKecleon; 18th October 2009 at 6:34 PM.

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    I ALWAYS forget punctuation! I gotta look at that closer. About the discription, I'll work on that more in future chapters. I sort of wanted to start immediately with them walking onto the field, just for dramatic effect. I will work more on that later. Please continue to read, it gets muuch better later on as the plot develops.
    Advanceshipping! Ash and May all the Way

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    Wee bit of friendly advice. Shipping fics go in the shipping section.

    I think I'll go in a different direction with my review.

    First of all, my main criticism is that the pokemon are speaking. I usually don't mind it but you are clearly following anime canon, Ash and Co. only exist in anime canon. In the anime no pokemon (Meowth is a special case) can speak, why has buizel suddenly got this ability? because the plot says so.

    Because it's used to drive the romance plot stake so plainly into the heart of the reader that you may as well come round to each of our houses and smash them in yourself.

    Could you have have made it ANY more obvious that Ash likes May? Why only a talking weasel could do tha- oh wait.

    I thought romance was supposed to be subtle, not as blunt as a concrete baseball bat. But wait! There's potentially a proverbial spanner in the works of our burgeoning romance, could it be? No! Not a love rival!

    Yes.

    It IS that obvious Drew is only there to pursue May, he'll make the first move, Ash'll get jealous, he'll do some stupid stunt to try and make May fall in love with him, Ash and Drew will end up battling for her heart and she'll eventually fall for Ash, dense though he is.

    Obviously, Brock will help Ash along with some love tips. Ash won't want to admit it at first, he's not loved anything other than training pokemon for all his short years on this earth, emotional feelings for another his age are entirely alien to him. He'll need to be alone for long periods of time, possibly staring out over sunsets or vast lakes to quantify his emotions in words and realisations. Then he'll make a last ditch effort to WIN HER BACK!

    I've seen this movie before.

    And seeing as this is supposed to be a shipping fic, hence romance, you don't seem to do a good job of actully creating emotion in your writing.

    The battle wasn't great either. You build Ash up to be this brilliant strategist and then he does what he does, it didn't last long either, ursaring pulled out a few well placed strikes and buizel ACTUALLY almost died. Drama cliffhanger anyone?

    Maybe Ash will sit outside the emergency room glancing at the in theater sign and each time feeling it's more futile than the last. Maybe he'll blame himself, someone will convince him otherwise, but it'll still be there. If buizel comes through this, he'll get a serious apologising to.

    ShinyKecleon already picked out your grammar errors so I'll leave that alone. I feel this post merely picks at your plot. I am good at evaluating plotlines.
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    About the pokemon talk: I belive that if you are close enough to a pokemon, you can understand it. Didn't I hear that some where in the anime? I guess that was just my imagination.
    This arc is just an introduction to introduce the characters to people and get things going! This is NOT THE PLOT!
    Regarding the thing with this being a shipping fic, Much, much will go on other than shipping. This will not be a stereotyped fic. It seems like it at first. Plot twists will come. This. Is. Not. The. Plot.
    Advanceshipping! Ash and May all the Way

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    Quote Originally Posted by dragontamer23 View Post
    About the pokemon talk: I belive that if you are close enough to a pokemon, you can understand it. Didn't I hear that some where in the anime? I guess that was just my imagination.
    Yeah, understand as in read body language and see how they are feeling, what mood they are in. Not an actual translation device.

    This arc is just an introduction to introduce the characters to people and get things going! This is NOT THE PLOT!
    So this is just a random scene that has no bearing on anything?

    Regarding the thing with this being a shipping fic, Much, much will go on other than shipping. This will not be a stereotyped fic. It seems like it at first. Plot twists will come. This. Is. Not. The. Plot.
    Is shipping a big aspect of the fic?

    Are there canon characters involved throughout the majority of this romance subplot?

    If the answer to both of these questions is yes, then it belongs in the shipping section.
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    Hmm. Doesn't Ash say to Pikach stuff like "Do you really think so pikachu?" and "Oh, I see." If I'm wrong, tell me, but either way, I'm going to keep using pokemon talk, otherwise this fic would go nowhere.

    Yes, I guess this does belong in the shipping fics section. Is there anything I can do about it? If so, please tell me. (Yeah, I'm a bit of a novice with fic writing.)

    This will lead into the plot. Something will happen in here that leads into the plot. It's an Introduction, like in harry potter at the durselys. Nothing really happens, but you meet the main character and something happens that leads into the main plot, at hogwarts. This story starts off very slow.

    I am also going back and adding punctuation. Thank you, poke master 13, diddy, and Shiniykecleon for your reviews. I appreciate the constructive criticism, since I'm a novice here.

    I am editing punctuation now, and I will not be back in this thread untill Chapter two is up. Bye, and thanks again!
    Advanceshipping! Ash and May all the Way

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    Nuuu, what are you doing? Check up on this regularly to see if people have posted responses; I don't think I'm alone in that regard. I personally cannot go 48 hours without checkings the number of views on TMS (my fanfic), and I think that you should follow the same pattern since people will undoubtedly post similar things to this post in regards to editing and constructive criticism... no need to wait until you've finished a chapter only to find a pile of comments waiting to be read... all... at... once...

    Anyway. *ahem*

    "This is an introduction, not the plot" is not a valid excuse for lacking in description for ANY part of writing. Description is a vital part of writing that adds dimension and gives depth to something that may be otherwise forgettable. There's no reason to skimp on anything just because this isn't considered chapter one; that's discrminating against non-numbered chapters! In fact, to take your example, look at Harry Potter. Sure, there's an introduction involving Mr. Dursley, and a few chapters at Pivet Drive before Harry is swept off to Hogwarts, but do you see that lacking description? Exactly the opposite; Rowling spends more than a few chapters in Harry's life before magic, and gives dimension and depth through description enough to let you envision the world around you. In fact, your "nothing really happens" arguement also falls through because there's a number of events before Hagrid even appears- the trip to the zoo and a trip from civilization are the major highlights.

    I suggest an edit to add some descriptive description to the first posted chapter even if you don't want it; trust me- everybody else does.

    Now, I'm not a big fan of the anime, but Ash talking to his Pokemon is essentially like talking to your pet- even if Pokemon can understand the human language, "Pika pi-Pikachu!" cannot be directly translated as you can with other languages such as Spanish. I was suspcious when I read it because Ash's comments seemed eerily related to what Buizel was "saying." I wholeheartedly approve of you doing what you want with any fanfic, but a few exceptions can be made when the fanfic is directly related to characters of the anime- to a fine line, you're expected to follow the idea of the anime itself for it to be realistic, and Ash communicating with Buizel as you wrote it out does not follow the anime.

    Just saying.

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    Fine, I understand and I will check up on this often. I am going to ad some descriprion right now. Sorry, but I cannot get rid of pokemon talking, as there is a major plot thing i don't know the name of that involves it. The intro was not supposed to be badly written or with no descripton. i just got caught up writing the dialoge that everybody here seems to dislike (ARGH!) and forgot. As i said, I will edit in some descripton.
    Advanceshipping! Ash and May all the Way

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    Yeah. This has been really slow, even for me, so sorry about that. I have had computer problems as well. This chapter is really short, too, so sorry for that as well. Hope you like it!



    Chapter 2: The Show Must Go On


    "Buizel!" Ash shouted in terror. "Hang on, Buizel," He sobbed, leaning over it, trying to wake it up. "You've been my friend for a long time. Don't die. Oh, please don't die."

    "Buizel is unable to battle. Ursaring wins!" said the referee.

    "Come on Ash." Paul taunted. "Who's going to die next?"

    Ash whirled on Paul "How dare you disrespect my Buizel! How can you even think of battle at a time like this. My Buizel's not even breathing, possibly even dead on the ground, and you want me to battle? Someone get him to a Pokemon center immediately!" As if on cue, three Nurse Joys ran onto the sandy battlefield with a stretcher. They gingerly placed the lifeless Buizel on the stretcher and carried him off to the Pokemon center.

    "Don't worry, Ash. Your Buizel will go to our best surgeon. He'll pull through. I'm sure of it." One of the Nurses reassured him.

    "Ash." said Paul. "The battle must go on, you know. Or will you..." He paused, and threw
    up his hands. "Forfiet?" The crowd drew in a collective gasp.

    "No, Paul." said Ash miserably. "I won't forefiet. But I don't want any of my other pokemon to be seriously injured." He took out a pokeball. "Staraptor, let's go." he said rather dejectedly.

    The predator pokemon popped out of its pokeball, and looked around, confused. It ruffled its tail feathers, looking at the crowd. It turned to face ursaring and its flaming eyes gleamed fiercely in the waning sunlight. It scraped a razor-sharp talon across the sand in a line, waiting for the referee's announcement.

    (Why is it so quiet, boss?) It wondered. It spread its wings as it asked curiously, (What's with that look on your face?)

    "Staraptor," Ash began quietly. "Well.. just don't get hurt. I don't want to lose another one of you."

    (Okaaay...) It said, still not understanding why the crowd of 10,000 was dead silent. Ash was lost in thought, staring off into space. Staraptor ruffled its glossy feathers nervously.

    (Um... Ash? Ash? Ash!)

    Ash snapped back to reality. He shook his head angrily and said, "Okay, I guess we have to start."

    "Staraptor versus Ursaring! Commence battling!" shouted the referee.

    "Alright, Ursaring!" shouted Paul. "Focus blast!"

    Ursaring formed a ball of energy in its claws and shot it at its foe with a roar.

    "Well.." began Ash unsurely. "Umm..." The ball of energy drew closer and closer. Staraptor remained immobile. "Dodge it with Agility!" Ash finally decided.

    Too late. The orb of fighting spirit nailed Staraptor in the chest, knocking it backwards about a foot. Ash was shocked.

    "What..." he started.

    "You need to move faster, Ash." Paul taunted. "Close in and thunderpunch it." he commanded.

    Ursaring bounded toward Staraptor. Ash stood, frozen in fear. Ursarings right fist began to crackle with energy. Ash still remained silent. As Ursaring drew its fist back, Ash finally decided to say,

    "Um... fly in the air to dodge it, I guess." said Ash uncertainly.

    But Ash had been too slow again. Staraptor began to beat its powerful wings, but Ursaring threw a punck cackling with electricity straight into the bird's chest. Staraptor slumped to the ground, but got back up again, electric sparks arcing across its body. It spasmed involuntarily as an electric shock zapped its body. It was struggling to move.

    "Damn it. He's paralyzed." Said Ash angrily.

    Staraptor looked over at Ash, as it was not accustomed to hearing its trainer swear.

    "Ursaring, pin it to the ground with crush claw." Paul said cooly

    Ursaring's claws shimmered deathly black, and he put them in a vice around Staraptor's neck. Staraptor's mobility was hindered, as it was paralyzed from the thunderpunch. Ursaring squeezed its fist, and his grasp on the predator pokemon grew even stronger. Staraptor let out a cry of pain as its eyes rolled into the back of its head, and its wings went limp.

    "Staraptor is unable to battle. Ursaring wins!" exclaimed the referee. Ash slouched his shoulders and recalled Staraptor into its pokeball.


    ***


    "Um..." began Brock.

    "That was fast." said Dawn matter-of factly.

    "What I'm really wondering is: Whatever happened to Ash's 'brilliant strategy'? " Asked Reggie.

    "Oh, that's right." replied May "You've never travelled with Ash. Ash is a brilliant tactician. He just got caught off guard with Buizel. Paul has just got tons of brute strength. He can't use his imagination, but it's sure to happen sometimes."

    "Okay, I'll give you that. But what about Staraptor?" Reggie asked again. "He didn't even move the whole match!"

    "Hey, that's true, May." said Oak. "To be fair, Ash never launched a single attack. Reggie has got a point."

    "You men have no faith." said Mrs. Ketchum indignantly. "My son is the best battler that Kanto has ever seen. He can beat anyone."

    "Um-" began Brock

    "He's losing 2-0, with barely a scratch on Ursaring!" exclaimed Reggie.

    "Can I-" ha said again

    "He beat a Blastoise with a Charizard in Jhoto!" Yelled May.

    "Excu-" Brock was cut off by Oak.

    "WELL THIS ISN'T JHOTO!"

    "Quiet!" Yelled Brock, breathing heavily. The two sides were glaring at each other. May's face was red as a beet, while Professor Oak was panting heavily from his comeback to May's point.

    "Okay, you guys are all supporting Ash, right? Well, not you-" he added hastily as Reggie opened his mouth to say something. "But most of you. So can't we all just get along?" There was a murmured assent from both sides. "Good. Now, I have a theory about why Ash is doing so badly."

    "Now, Ash lost Buizel pretty badly, but he didn't look to bad doing it, did he? He had that excellent strategy to stop Paul's Dig tactic from working, and there was no way he could have foreseen that onslaught of attacks from Ursaring. Staraptor, however, was a different story entirely." Brock paused to catch his breath. "Ash didn't fit a single attack in." As he said this, a similar saga was going on on the battle field with Heracross. It was having some success dodging attacks with Aerial Ace, but it was not doing any damage to Ursaring. Every now and then, it would get hit with a powerful focus blast or focus punch. Brock pointed down to the field. "Did you notice the hesitation as Ash was trying to dodge Paul’s focus blast there? It's almost as if he doesn't want to fight any more." Brock's eyes slid meaningfully towards May.

    "Oh, I see!" realized May "It's just like Morrison was in the Hoenn league match against Ash! He only moved when he had to!"

    "Exactly," said Brock, looking rather pleased with himself. "I believe that Buizel's death or near-death was a traumatic experience for Ash, and that he has finally lost the will to fight. Of course, Morrison snapped out of it eventually, but will Ash? Only time will tell."

    "Well, I'm not just going to sit here and watch Ash get routed by Paul." said Misty angrily. "I'm going to DO something about it!" She stormed off in a huff.

    "Um.. what?" Asked Dawn.

    "Why, hello there!" said a familiar green-haired coordinator standing in the aisle. "What a coincidence!"

    "Drew?" said May in wonder.


    ***


    Meanwhile, Ash was fighting a losing battle with Paul. His Heracross was battered, and a few more hits would finish it off.

    "Focus blast."

    Ash paused for a moment and said "Ariel ace to dodge!"

    But that pause was Ash's undoing. The concentrated ball of energy nicked one of Heracross's wings. It spiraled to the earth out of control.

    "Get under it and hammer arm! But," He added in a low tone. "A bit softer this time. I don't want to get sued."

    Once again, Ursaring got under Heracross and slammed it into the wall with almost mechanical ease. Heracross slumped, but it was not in critical danger.

    "Heracross, return." Ash sighed.

    He lumbered toward the locker room with his head down as the referee announced halftime. Why should I fight any more? he wondered. It's hopeless anyways. I'll just forfeit when I come out of the locker room. He decided.

    He barely looked up when he entered the locker room, but he gave a start when he noticed a certian red haired gym leader sitting on the bench, waiting for him.

    "What are you doing here!?"



    Please review!
    Advanceshipping! Ash and May all the Way

    ROCK ON BON JOVI!!

    My current Diamond team:


  12. #12
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    Skipping past the first chapter since it's recived crit already.

    "Buizel!" Ash shouted in terror. "Hang on, Buizel," He sobbed, leaning over it, trying to wake it up. "You've been my friend for a long time. Don't die. Oh, please don't die."
    So did Pikachu suddenly get replaced? And It? It it it it it? IT? Seriously you're using the anime as an excuse to not give a gender to a pokemon, when even the games now, and manga, have genders for pogermonz? Bad.

    "Buizel is unable to battle. Ursaring wins!" said the referee.

    "Come on Ash." Paul taunted. "Who's going to die next?"
    So dying is allowed? Murder is allowed? No one bats an eye at the death of a pokemon? Paul is now made into a stupid, selfish, ignorant taunting *******, just to give Ash further torment at the death of his genderless blob of pokeflesh?

    Afaik, in pokemon, they fight untill one is unable to fight anymore; it doesn't end in death. And even if it does, if it is based like in the Pokemon Verse, it's more 'mature' in the sense that, the trainer doesn't break down into bawling tears as the referee monotonly announces the victor of a battle.

    There's real emotion in the life or death struggling.

    Ash whirled on Paul "How dare you disrespect my Buizel! How can you even think of battle at a time like this. My Buizel's not even breathing, possibly even dead on the ground, and you want me to battle? Someone get him to a Pokemon center immediately!" As if on cue, three Nurse Joys ran onto the sandy battlefield with a stretcher. They gingerly placed the lifeless Buizel on the stretcher and carried him off to the Pokemon center.

    "Don't worry, Ash. Your Buizel will go to our best surgeon. He'll pull through. I'm sure of it." One of the Nurses reassured him.
    Lets take this in stride.

    The buizel is lying, motionless on the ground. His/her/its heart is stopped. There is no breathing. It's like this for atleast 30 seconds. There is a reason why people rush those who aren't breathing to a hospital while attempting to bypass what is obstructing breathing. Why? You can pretty much become a brain dead vegitable in only a few minutes with lack of oxygen getting to the brain.

    Then, instead of showing how much he ****ing cares for his pokemon, scooping Buizel up in his arms, Ash yells out in indignant rage of MY POKERMANZ IS DYING!!! Only a bit longer and a bit more of a rant.

    Then, then on top of that a trio of Nurse Joy appear. Nurse Joy; who can tame a Gyarados or put the fear of god into pokemon trainers. Oh they can, trust me no one is that much of a pacifist and so loving without feeling some rage at possible abuse of pokemon, you have one of these people, offhandedly remark, oh it'll pull through, you see, we'll make sure he'll get the best doctor!!

    Also. Btw.

    Decide on a gender. IS IT AN IT OR HAS IT GOT A TOMMYWHACKER. CHOOSE ONE.
    "Ash." said Paul. "The battle must go on, you know. Or will you..." He paused, and threw
    up his hands. "Forfiet?" The crowd drew in a collective gasp.
    Lol. What.. the hell. I don't watch the anime but I am pretty sure Paul cares about stats of a pokemon, not about being a showboat ***** for attention.

    (Why is it so quiet, boss?) It wondered. It spread its wings as it asked curiously, (What's with that look on your face?)

    "Staraptor," Ash began quietly. "Well.. just don't get hurt. I don't want to lose another one of you."
    So Ash can understand all his pokemon, whay. Wut a way for originality. At anyrate; why is Staraptor calling Ash Boss, it doesn't sound the type to go boss, hey boss, boss, look at me boss, aren't I your greatest pokemon boss! Amigawd boss I am your biggest fa- yeah.

    That and what the hell is with Bipolar Ash. You're having him flipflop and be even worse than he is in the anime; he cares about his pokemon oooh wah wah sob, yet here he obviously doesn't care enough to realize his Staraptor of genderless persuasion could be hurt severely or killed since obviously he is far, far outclassed by Paul- because he just says, Try not to get hurt. I don't want to lose you too, since I don't have the balls to actually admit defeat when I should.. Yeah.

    "Um... fly in the air to dodge it, I guess." said Ash uncertainly.
    Where is Ash and what the hell is with this clone you replaced him with? I want to punch this clone, so hard. Ash was bad enough but this clone, this indecisive, sniveling, emo clone of utter worthless pathetic choices, thoughts and emotions makes me rage and makes me rage hard. Mostly because it's annoying. It's ANNOYING.

    I'm a meek little thing named Ash, and I'm meek and I'm so meek that I'll meekly continue to battle and cause my pokemon to die, wah wah wah.

    I want to kill it with a spoon.

    "Damn it. He's paralyzed." Said Ash angrily.
    So Staraptor suddenly grew a birdy manhood? Epic.

    This part of the chapter is so far vastly under developed description and emotional wise. I just can't feel compelled to feel sorry for this pathetic snotbag you claim is Ash. I don't feel sorry for the talking rocks that are supoosedly gendershifting pokemon. I don't feel anything for the ClicheRival that you replaced Paul with.

    EXAMPOLE OF EMOTION.

    'Damnit!' Ash swore out under his breath, almost out of character, but he was so infuriated. How could he allow Buizel to come so dangerously close to death, and now his Staraptor! "Come on, fight the paralysis!" Ash shouted out, trying to hide the fear and anger from his tone, but he sounded far, far from confident.

    Bad example but meh. No you may not use.

    "Hey, that's true, May." said Oak. "To be fair, Ash never launched a single attack. Reggie has got a point."
    Wait what Professor Oak? Why is he here? Why is everyone here? Why are they standing around, commenting like your average joe bystanders? Why aren't they worried about Ash, or rather questioning why this pathetic snot clone replaced him- OR WORRIED ABOUT THE SUPPOSEDLY DYING GENDERLESS BUIZEL.

    "WELL THIS ISN'T JHOTO!"
    THIS IS JOHTO.


    "Okay, you guys are all supporting Ash, right? Well, not you-" he added hastily as Reggie opened his mouth to say something. "But most of you. So can't we all just get along?" There was a murmured assent from both sides. "Good. Now, I have a theory about why Ash is doing so badly."
    Yawn. Hello narrator Brock, who should be distracted by the fact he just let three Nurse Joy's slip past him without ever getting a chance to make a move. Yes, why don't you yell us exactly why, in every little detail in a giant text block, Why Snot Clone, is doing so bad.

    said Misty angrily. "I'm going to DO something about it!" She stormed off in a huff.
    Before or after her duty as a Gym Leader...?

    "Get under it and hammer arm! But," He added in a low tone. "A bit softer this time. I don't want to get sued."
    Oh now Paul is a polite *******. He had no problems before with nearly killing, I assume, every single one of Ash's prior pokemon. But now he has a sudden change of heart, because INTERNET LAWYER may sue him? Or something? Cause sure as hell can't be Snot Clone, or any judges. Or the crowd. Or the Ref. No one seems to care, not even Ash, that Paul has basically cold blooded, monstrous, murderous rocks under his command in the guise of pokemon.

    This story sucks. Seriously. The characters are so out of character I can't even recognize them. What little description you have, is barely enough to set the scene for the pokemon's looks. Any of the battling, emotion, actions, anything, even the attacks, are left up to what little you do throw out, which is barely even enough to imagine up something even slightly like the attacks or settings you so poorly leave undescribed.

    There's also the fact there's no depth to any of the characters; Ash has been turned into a pathetic creature. Paul is now GenericAssholeRival. Ash's 'crew' are now just stand ins for commentary and explaining everything to us because you sure as hell aren't trying to SHOW us.

    Work on description, on detail, on emotion, emotional depths, on actions and interactions. On building a world and showing it to us instead of using talking pokemon and Brock to tell it to us or whatever. I suggest you also read Advice for Aspiring Authors, and maybe some of the stories posted here by better authors, because you seriously need to improve.

    If you don't want to do all this- request this thread be moved to the shipping forum, for as far as I know, most of the people that go there are more lax on quality or actually giving out helpful advice.

  13. #13
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    Wow, am I ever enjoying this. I found it quite epic that Ash is able to communicate with his pokemon, using proper language and words, it is a rather effective way of showing the pokemons thoughts and personalities.

    The battle is getting quite heated, and I'm rather excited for the next chapter. With Buizel down and seriously injured, I would expect Ash to be out of sorts. He is awfully close with all his pokemon, and even pokemon that aren't his. In this you really show his heart. The chapters are lacking much foreshadowing, which is quite necessary is you are planning something to happen after the battle. What does Ash plan to do if he wins? If he loses? Were they planning on going out for a nice dinner after? Was that hot dog going to be regretted in the future? We need something else to be curious about if we wanna get completely hooked. Also, description, the issue we all seem to have. You can never be too good at it, I'll be practicing it in my future chapters, i'm sure you'll be doing so as well, it makes us better writers in the long run.

    Your story is great, and I'm really excited to read the next chapters and hopefully watch you improve, keep it up! And you know I'll be working on mine too, so you're not going at it alone~

  14. #14
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    Umm… well you love it or you hate it I guess. If you read my comments above, you will know that this is an introductory Arc. I am a horrible descriptive writer, My 7th grade teacher tells me that all the time. I am working on it, though. I will try to get this moved to the Shipping fics section though. If you don’t like it, though, don’t read it. I will keep writing, to please me and my (decidedly small) fanbase. Yami ryu! If you hate it so much, please stop reading! I am glad you like it, Lord Sameth! I will try to add gender to the pokemon. In future chapters, I will have gender. I will try to have more description as well. I will keep writing, though!
    Advanceshipping! Ash and May all the Way

    ROCK ON BON JOVI!!

    My current Diamond team:


  15. #15
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    So you're blatantly going to ignore the fact that A: you're using one of the most cliche and overused ways/plot devices to lazily describe pokemon emotions, actions, thoughts/interactions.

    B: Your portrayal of canon characters/pokemon leaves so much to be desired it's not funny; from Ash being a slug and not even attempting to tell Staraptor to flee/get out of the way- to Staraptor just sitting there like a dope until the last moment.

    C: instead of showing us the world, or showing us Ash's turmoil, you weakly describe/tell us, before, in the case of chapter two, having Brock explain it like some casual observer on some uninteresting show, explaining the plot to people who fell asleep for the first 25 minutes.

    Now. As I said- you have two options. Either suck it up and realized you posted a shipping fic in a place where shipping fics don't usually belong, and you are going to continue to get critique on what's wrong and where and how you need to improve it.

    Or you can ask a mod to move this to where it will be accepted more and critisized less, if you can not handle the fact we are going to keep telling up, or just give up on you, about how you are destroying characters and pokemon just because you want a shippy fic.

  16. #16
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    Jeez! I'm not the best author! I'm trying to fix my problems (and I see there are lots of them.) so please stop! I can understand constructive criticism, but you don't have to get up there and tell me my story sucks! Okay, I'm trying to make a better 3rd chapter, so please stop insulting my writing skils. I already have moved this to the shipping fics section, before reading that, So I'm sorry. If you blatantly insult me one more time, I'll report you to a mod.
    Advanceshipping! Ash and May all the Way

    ROCK ON BON JOVI!!

    My current Diamond team:


  17. #17
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    PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if kills staraptor i swear it wont be pritty

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