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Thread: The Bleach Club...2.

  1. #3081
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    Fiction Time.

    PLease note that the skeleton of the plot is borrowed.

        Spoiler:- Prologue:
    Last edited by rotrum; 26th April 2011 at 11:01 PM.

    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post
    I have that effect on most men for some reason. no wonder i've been feeling lesbian lately >.>

  2. #3082
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucario0708 View Post
        Spoiler:- Chapter 1: "Stop Looking at me With your bone-face!":
    Comments in bold.

    1. Establish the setting it is in, don't just start with a beach then go to hong kong.. say HOW they HELL they got there and why they can be seen by mortals..

    2. If I was playing poker with a talking skull I'd go all in too just to run away.

    3. The "jokes" weren't funny, .. Or I just have a sophisticated sense of humor.

    4. if you start a fight, end it with a cliffhanger of some sort to keep the reader interested.. they both went bankai.. Give a bit of foreshadowing of what'll happen. Not just some odd comment which doesn't seem to hold any value while reading about the situation..

    5. Try to build your own universe for everything, if you want people to send in bio's, make it worth the time... I don't want to see my character right next to Byakuya.. (or for example, see OUR 6th Squad captain suddenly as a 3rd seat)
    Last edited by Cell; 25th April 2011 at 10:11 PM.

  3. #3083
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        Spoiler:- zan:
    Last edited by kusari; 15th March 2012 at 11:09 PM.
    One mischievous little woodpecker
    Another day, pecking your holes
    Ruining the woods, tree wrecker
    The angry old forest god turned your poor beak into a poison knife
    Poor little wood pecker, your nesting holes are all tainted
    Your food with toxins rife
    Touch your friends, and they all will die falling at your feet
    Oh, sad little woodpecker
    Poisonous tears, shining brightly, as they stream down your cheeks

  4. #3084
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cell View Post
    Comments in bold.

    1. Establish the setting it is in, don't just start with a beach then go to hong kong.. say HOW they HELL they got there and why they can be seen by mortals..
    1. Never said the mortals could see them
    2.It was obvious that they flew there


    Quote Originally Posted by Cell View Post
    2. If I was playing poker with a talking skull I'd go all in too just to run away.
    They couldn't see his face, so they wouldn't know if he was a skull

    Quote Originally Posted by Cell View Post
    3. The "jokes" weren't funny, .. Or I just have a sophisticated sense of humor.
    they were funny to me

    Quote Originally Posted by Cell View Post
    4. if you start a fight, end it with a cliffhanger of some sort to keep the reader interested.. they both went bankai.. Give a bit of foreshadowing of what'll happen. Not just some odd comment which doesn't seem to hold any value while reading about the situation..
    I like to end with a witty comment

    Quote Originally Posted by Cell View Post
    5. Try to build your own universe for everything, if you want people to send in bio's, make it worth the time... I don't want to see my character right next to Byakuya.. (or for example, see OUR 6th Squad captain suddenly as a 3rd seat)
    note taken, it's just byakuya is so BADASS, i'll change it come next time

    also, if senbonzakura doesnt come back, i'd like to work my way up to be 8th squad captain
    Last edited by Lucario0708; 25th April 2011 at 10:28 PM.

    He's here on our backs

    and in our hearts!
    Check out my Fan-Fic

        Spoiler:- image thanks:

  5. #3085
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucario0708 View Post
    1. Never said the mortals could see them
    ... Your rogue shinigami was playing poker with mortals... If they were using Gigai's say so, try to make sure that it makes sense.. at one time they're playing poker (with a guy who doesn't show his face... I mean... ).. The next they go to the roof and start fighting.. He must be in a gigai to play poker, and he must be outside of it to fight.

    A witty comment here and there is fine, but don't use it to finish a chapter.. you're supposed to try and grab the reader.. make him want to read further and await the next chapter.

    Did you open the spoiler and read what I wrote inside aswell?
    Last edited by Cell; 25th April 2011 at 10:33 PM.

  6. #3086

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        Spoiler:- Chapter 1: "Stop Looking at me With your bone-face!":


        Spoiler:- Prologue:
    YOU JUST LOST THE GAME!
    Click HERE to be rickrolled... c'mon, you know you want to.
        Spoiler:- I HAVE DEFIED ALL MATHS AND LOGIC!:


  7. #3087
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    i read what was inside the spoiler as well, yes

    all things i must work on, i suppose

    ch 2 will come up with BIG changes

    He's here on our backs

    and in our hearts!
    Check out my Fan-Fic

        Spoiler:- image thanks:

  8. #3088
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    Quote Originally Posted by theo_cupent42 View Post
    ZACHIRU

    thank you - I'd like to join!!!
    Hello and welcome to the Bleach Club, Theo.
    I'm Zameric, captain of THE SQUAD OF JUSTICE Squad 9.
    Make sure to follow the rules and just have some fun.

    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post
    What are the Types of Zanpaktou we have in the club? I might make a List.

    EDIT: -----------------------------------------

    Fire
    MasterCharizard
    badmanjaro
    Lucario0708
    Flash Step
    Minchan
    Northern Lights

    We have too many Fire users XD
    Yeah, but they're all pretty cool in their own ways.

    Quote Originally Posted by rotrum View Post
    Wow everyone is hopping on the Zanpakutou revamp bandwagon now. Poor Golde, when he gets back he's gonnna havge a heart attack Unless the candy gets to him first.

    My squad remains entirely empty. Maybe I should TradeMark throwing weaponry...

    Tell me, does this screencap remind you of Bleach? When I first saw it, I just had to show you and see what you guys thought.
        Spoiler:- Image:
    I'm keeping a list for when he gets back.

    I think that's technically classified as projectiles.

    Yeah, he kind looks like a brown hair Ichigo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lucario0708 View Post
    actually, my gunblade zan is fire AND light

    considering it uses light based tactics, the spirit is a phoenix in bankai, and THE LIGHT BURNS
    Actually, I'd cosider it more just light.
    Light that burns is just hot light. xD

    Also, did you get my PM about the name suggestions?

    Quote Originally Posted by badmanjaro View Post
    If you want I can switch my zanpakutos power to Water and Lightning instead. I guess I can have a combo. But then I have to switch up my abilities.
    No! I like your zan that way it is. It's really cool and using some of the names I gave it blends the elements really well.

    Quote Originally Posted by kusari View Post
    so, when I made this zan i wasn't quite firing on all cylinders mentally. so i'm gonna add a few more abilities and try to make things more clear.

        Spoiler:- zan:
    Pretty cool, Kusari. Simple yet destructive and powerful.
    Reminds me of Kensei, who is my favorite captain!
    Also, do I need to change your BDC now?



    Please check out my 4th & 5th gen trade thread posts.

  9. #3089
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    the spirit is bankai is a phoenix

    so its fire AND light, lets leave it at that

    He's here on our backs

    and in our hearts!
    Check out my Fan-Fic

        Spoiler:- image thanks:

  10. #3090
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    So now people are posting zanpakto revamps and fanfics.....

    Too many to read @.@

    Quote Originally Posted by PKMN Trainer Rex View Post
    Greetings Captain, I do know who sh........he...........the trap is but nope I do not play Guilty Gear. I got to the yo yo as a weapon by my own way of vague thinking.
    Ah. Okay. XD I just thought if you do, you could use some of Bridgett's attacks/overdrives as your shikai/bankai abilities.

    Quote Originally Posted by MasterCharizard15 View Post
    @Arc you don't need to Revamp, you are the #1 threat to every living creature in this club, you'll still be targeted first when everyone pulls an Aizen.
    Well well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post

    Thanks, I could teach you Frozen Blood to you if ya' like? XD

    No, I don't NEED to have 3 symbols drawn, that's just part of my limitations, I can't envoke more than 2 of the 4 elements in Shikai, trying to envoke another will force me into Bankai. But I can use Bankai the conventional way too.
    *tempting offer* XP Though, of course, with that ability, I'd be a godmod since I don't have to find a nearby water source. XD

    Umm, with bankai, you're free to create water/fire from nothing right? Or would you still have to find a nearby source? I'm guessing it's the former.

    Also, why didn't you use Greek gods' names as well for Earth and Air? Gaea could fit for the Earth element, and Aeolus for the Wind. Just a suggestion, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by rotrum View Post
    Why do shinigami even need wings? Can't they walk on Air anyways?

    Tell me, does this screencap remind you of Bleach? When I first saw it, I just had to show you and see what you guys thought.
    ....
    I lol'd. THAT is a VERY valid point. XDDD Unless their wings are a part of their power..

    Yeah, a bit like Ichigo I guess. But maybe you should just have shown the picture and see what we thought of it. When you said "remind you of Bleach", people would think of Bleach first then the picture; doubtless they would make that connection straightaway. Moot point is moot

    Quote Originally Posted by I like Pokemon (...) View Post
    Which reminds me, with all the revamps, a fair amount of the ordering needs to be changed.

    Fix'd/
    What ordering? o.o

    At once o.o I SO am going to die

    Quote Originally Posted by kusari View Post
    Zanpaktou Spirit: A tall man who never shows any emotion. He eternally holds a three foot diameter glass sphere. Inside the sphere is the true spirit. It is a small black ball with one large eye and a big smile. He constantly makes jokes about killing his master and devouring his soul.
    I love the spirit. It's... unique.

    @Lucario0708
    Hmm.. Mhmmm.. Basically what ILPy/Cell have stated, but I'd like to add in a few points. Maybe you can somehow tweak the story to make it seem more... 'interesting', as in, to hold the reader so they keep on reading. And, bankai after just a few moments fight with shikai? That'll hardly ever happen. It makes like you seem too rushed to go into your powers. Such things are far better kept till climax, IMO.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cell View Post
    3. The "jokes" weren't funny, .. Or I just have a sophisticated sense of humor.
    ... Waitwhat, there was a joke? o.o

    rotrum
    Okay... The final part was a bit confusing.

    The next five months were a painful war between Magnus’ true leader, Chii, their other allies, the bioroids, and the captured and brainwashed shinigami who had disappeared.
    So Magnus is under Chii, and they had allies, as well as bioroids. And they fought the captured and brainwashed shinigami? Or the captured shinigami were brainwashed, and they were a part of Chii's/Magnus's team, fighting against the Soul Society?

    Although, I love the title. It's cool.

    Oh, also, I'm editing my zanpakto page. Not adding anything new, but cleaning it up, since the abilities are a bit cluttered, and some are the same in both shikai/bankai states. If anyone would care to look and tell me whether it's more organized now, I'd be greatly grateful. ^^ Free cookies for one day. Come and choose

    Has anyone ever heard of Undine's Curse? New idea unfolding
    Last edited by arceus03; 26th April 2011 at 5:32 PM.


  11. #3091
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    Lucario: You're story just pitches straight in, no backstory, no introduction, nothing to set the scene <-- the basic stuff a good story needs to start off with, or a slow start atleast. Rotrum devoted an entire chapter to the setting, which makes me more likely to want to read it in future. Plus, the characters are bordering on being rather arrogant "Mary Sue" like [what's the male version?] stay clear of that, have a definate personality for each character and stick to it. Do you have a planned plot for the story already written down?

    Rotrum: dayum, dessimate the ranks much? I'm guessing Seireitei ins't a pretty sight at the moment [why did I suddenly get an image of Zameric doing construction work on buildings? O.o]

    Quote Originally Posted by Arceus03
    *tempting offer* XP Though, of course, with that ability, I'd be a godmod since I don't have to find a nearby water source. XD

    Umm, with bankai, you're free to create water/fire from nothing right? Or would you still have to find a nearby source? I'm guessing it's the former.

    Also, why didn't you use Greek gods' names as well for Earth and Air? Gaea could fit for the Earth element, and Aeolus for the Wind. Just a suggestion, though.
    Yes, in Bankai I can, the reason I can't do it in Shikai is because I can't create one element without upsetting the natural exisiting balance between the four which gives Life, or Spirit; if you create one but not it's opposing force, it can have hazardous consequences or cause an over-compensation in equilibrium.

    But with Bankai, I have the Spirit element, which means that I can envoke any element in any amount that I choose within my Pentagram because the Spirit exists within that Pentagram and is self equalising. That's the full explanation of Bankai really. I thought about it too much havn't I?

    Originally I did have Greek Gods for Air and Earth too, but the names just didn't fit in as well as the others =[




  12. #3092
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    So... I was suggested to join this club by Squad Captain 3 NorthernLights so hi everyone!
    I'm a big Bleach fan I recently started watching the show over from Season one to now

    [Zachiru]
    I swear, it’s been two years since somebody ask me who I was. I’m the greatest, man, I said that before I knew I was.


  13. #3093
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    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post
    Lucario: You're story just pitches straight in, no backstory, no introduction, nothing to set the scene <-- the basic stuff a good story needs to start off with, or a slow start atleast. Rotrum devoted an entire chapter to the setting, which makes me more likely to want to read it in future. Plus, the characters are bordering on being rather arrogant "Mary Sue" like [what's the male version?] stay clear of that, have a definate personality for each character and stick to it. Do you have a planned plot for the story already written down?
    Marty Stu. When I first started writing fics (years ago) that's what all my characters were called by reviewers.

    Quote Originally Posted by MGOShockWave View Post
    So... I was suggested to join this club by Squad Captain 3 NorthernLights so hi everyone!
    I'm a big Bleach fan I recently started watching the show over from Season one to now

    [Zachiru]
    Well, since you're a friend of NL you have to be awesome. Welcome to the club. I'm Kusari and I'm the Captain of Squad 13.

    Fic review
    Rotrum: Nice. I'm hooked. Mainly because (as said by ILP) I have a thing for traitors in the Soul Society.

    Luke: Like NL said, you're way too upfront. Add backstory, don't change an existing captain's personality (ie. Don't have characters talk back to Byakuya. He doesn't like that) and make your battles more fleshed out (ie. Don't make a character go to Bankai not long after the battle starts. I wrote an entire arc of my previous fic that never included a bankai release). I reccomend going to the first post and looking at the fanfic archives. Most of us have written a chapter here or there and have our fics all laid out there. I reccomend Golde's, NL's or Eon's for good examples.

    Cell: You have a good story going here. Keep it up.

    And on the subject of fics, I decided to tell you guys what would have happened had I kept going.
        Spoiler:- wrap up:


    so yeah. that's it.

    EDIT: Working on new chapter. Yay, explanation of treachery!
    Last edited by kusari; 26th April 2011 at 9:12 PM.
    One mischievous little woodpecker
    Another day, pecking your holes
    Ruining the woods, tree wrecker
    The angry old forest god turned your poor beak into a poison knife
    Poor little wood pecker, your nesting holes are all tainted
    Your food with toxins rife
    Touch your friends, and they all will die falling at your feet
    Oh, sad little woodpecker
    Poisonous tears, shining brightly, as they stream down your cheeks

  14. #3094

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    Quote Originally Posted by arceus03 View Post
    What ordering? o.o
    Some people are more/less of a threat now. Like now, I have a way of hitting Kusari.
    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post
    Plus, the characters are bordering on being rather arrogant "Mary Sue" like [what's the male version?]
    There's also Gary Stu.
    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post
    Rotrum: dayum, dessimate the ranks much? I'm guessing Seireitei ins't a pretty sight at the moment [why did I suddenly get an image of Zameric doing construction work on buildings? O.o]
    I truly lol'd.
    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post


    Yes, in Bankai I can, the reason I can't do it in Shikai is because I can't create one element without upsetting the natural exisiting balance between the four which gives Life, or Spirit; if you create one but not it's opposing force, it can have hazardous consequences or cause an over-compensation in equilibrium.

    But with Bankai, I have the Spirit element, which means that I can envoke any element in any amount that I choose within my Pentagram because the Spirit exists within that Pentagram and is self equalising. That's the full explanation of Bankai really. I thought about it too much havn't I?
    It's awesome, so it's fine.
    Quote Originally Posted by MGOShockWave View Post
    So... I was suggested to join this club by Squad Captain 3 NorthernLights so hi everyone!
    I'm a big Bleach fan I recently started watching the show over from Season one to now

    [Zachiru]
    Welcome to the Bleach Club! I am the Captain of the 12th Squad, I like Pokemon (...) though I also go by ILP/Ilpy/Ilpeh/Ilpizzy/Aielpy/Aaroniero/Anternero/Ant/Any other nickname you want to call me by.

    Who are your favourite and least favourite characters? Do you read the manga?
    Quote Originally Posted by kusari View Post
    And on the subject of fics, I decided to tell you guys what would have happened had I kept going.
        Spoiler:- wrap up:


    so yeah. that's it.
    I can't remember much of your story
    But I like how I get a big part towards the end
    YOU JUST LOST THE GAME!
    Click HERE to be rickrolled... c'mon, you know you want to.
        Spoiler:- I HAVE DEFIED ALL MATHS AND LOGIC!:


  15. #3095
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    i have a different way of writing i know, and here are some things i'm changing

    1. Byakuya replaced by Eon
    2. Genryusei Yamamoto replaced by Golde

    anyway, decided to do chapter 2 later or tomorrow

    i dont know what i was on while writing chapter 1.........

    He's here on our backs

    and in our hearts!
    Check out my Fan-Fic

        Spoiler:- image thanks:

  16. #3096
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    Glad people were interested by my prologue. I realized a made a couple mistakes and I was a bit too focused on being vague.

    Kusa, I'm sure my story will interest you, then. The story of the traitor probably won't be finished for a looong time evne though it happened in the past.

    The prologue itself is vague because as the story unfolds, the war/the past is going to be looked upon a lot-and a lot of details are important enough ot hide at this moment. That was just a bit of background.

    I promised ILP something but it's going to be a chapter late.

        Spoiler:- Chapter One:
    Last edited by rotrum; 26th April 2011 at 11:37 PM.

    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post
    I have that effect on most men for some reason. no wonder i've been feeling lesbian lately >.>

  17. #3097
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    Quote Originally Posted by I like Pokemon (...) View Post
    Welcome to the Bleach Club! I am the Captain of the 12th Squad, I like Pokemon (...) though I also go by ILP/Ilpy/Ilpeh/Ilpizzy/Aielpy/Aaroniero/Anternero/Ant/Any other nickname you want to call me by.

    Who are your favourite and least favourite characters? Do you read the manga?

    I can't remember much of your story
    But I like how I get a big part towards the end
    It's nice to meet you Captain Ilp!

    And I'd have to say my favorite character is a tough question :/ I like Urahara he is a very suspicious character but it makes me more interested in him I also love Yachiru i mean cmon now shes so liddo and very cute :x and of course Ichigo I mean you have to like him!

    I plan on starting it soon

    Quote Originally Posted by kusari View Post
    Well, since you're a friend of NL you have to be awesome. Welcome to the club. I'm Kusari and I'm the Captain of Squad 13.
    It's an honor to meet you Captain Kusari!
    I swear, it’s been two years since somebody ask me who I was. I’m the greatest, man, I said that before I knew I was.


  18. #3098
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    Quote Originally Posted by rotrum View Post
    Fiction Time.

    PLease note that the skeleton of the plot is borrowed.

        Spoiler:- Prologue:
    I'm with Arc, this was just confusing and random to me. To me it just sounds a real brief summary of a whole fic, rather than a prologue to one. But it seems like other people are interesting, so maybe I'm just missing something.


    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Lights View Post
    Rotrum: dayum, dessimate the ranks much? I'm guessing Seireitei ins't a pretty sight at the moment [why did I suddenly get an image of Zameric doing construction work on buildings? O.o]
    Ahahaha! I don't know why you did, but it's funny.
    Randomly made me think of Yammy the tomato farmer. xD

    Quote Originally Posted by MGOShockWave View Post
    So... I was suggested to join this club by Squad Captain 3 NorthernLights so hi everyone!
    I'm a big Bleach fan I recently started watching the show over from Season one to now

    [Zachiru]
    Hello and welcome to the Bleach Club, MGOShockWave.
    I'm Zameric, captain of Squad 9.
    I was also recruited by Kida, way back when.



    Please check out my 4th & 5th gen trade thread posts.

  19. #3099
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zameric View Post
    Hello and welcome to the Bleach Club, MGOShockWave.
    I'm Zameric, captain of Squad 9.
    I was also recruited by Kida, way back when.
    Thank You! It's nice to meet you Captain Zameric
    I swear, it’s been two years since somebody ask me who I was. I’m the greatest, man, I said that before I knew I was.


  20. #3100
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    ^ Please try not to post one-liners. Just letting you know.

    Eesh, why do I always get stuck reprimanding new people?

    Anyway, I'm Eon Master, Captain of Squad 7. You can call me Eon, or come up with your own non-insulting nickname. Welcome to the club.

    And yes, Northern Lights is awesome

    Wow, lots of new members lately. Luke, Bmj, Rex, Theo, and now MGOShockWave. This is crazy, I don't think we've ever had this many new members in such a short span of time.

    Captain of Squad 7 in the Bleach Club.
    Banner: Kida-Ookami on DeviantArt

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