Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Cast:
Head-Captain – Golde
Niche Neeya – Cell
Kida Ookami – NL
Mizuhashi Akira -Arc
Dre Flashy- Dre
Senshuken Toumoku- MC
Rouga Kouken/Seijuro-Eon
Zameric Kajiya- Zam
Captain of Squad Ten- Rotrum
Aozora Blue -Vizard Blue
Ryuu Schiffer – ILP
Saiga Hayashi – Kusari
Narcisse Dac - Dac
One thing to note - Senny isn't in the list. Perhaps this was accidental foreshadowing? Because Rotrum was only mentioned, but was listed, while Senny was also only mentioned, but wasn't listed.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
As he flash stepped to his target site, the Shinigami he passed all looked at him in awe. Since normally, they never saw the Squad Four Captain do much aside from heal everyone. The Eleventh Squad captain was pretty much a one-woman army, leaving the rest of the captains in reserve. So seeing the man who healed your broken arm flash step like that was shocking. The site left a few shinigami unsettled, wondering what could cause him to be in such a rush.
I like this little bit - not only did it show an action, but it also mentions that it was unusual for him, and that the other people in the area realised that. It puts a bit more focus on the background of the scene, and the background of the character, and tells us a bit more about what Mizuhashi's role is in the G13.
I don't quite understand the mention of Aozora, though. You mention that she was a one-woman-army, and the rest of the captains were in reserves, but I don't understand the relevance to Mizuhashi and his role as the medic.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Soon Captain Mizuhashi Akira reached his destination, Squad Twelve Labs. He went through several identification procedures, all set up by Captain Ryuu Schiffer himself. Retina scans, saliva scans, bio-chemical makeup analyst. All done via several beams of light from several impressive looking machines. Such extremes would unsettle most, but Mizuhashi went through all the scans and security checks without much effort.
Another good bit of description. It shows a bit more about the kind of person that Ryuu is: he creates machines (on his own, as well), and has a very high-security set up to protect his lab. And the fact that Mizuhashi went through without much effort shows that he's done this many times before, and is probably used to it by now, which shows the close relationship between them
though of course, I say that because I know it's true 
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
He found his fellow captain doing work on his super computer. Ryuu had all twelve ports on the back of his neck all jacked into several machines. His cybernetic arm raced across the keyboard of the super computer, not a moment wasted in movement. The normal arm was moving at a slower pace, doing analogue work. A small pile or written sheets were next to it, the arm writing down something.
Again, this shows a bit more about who Ryuu is; a cyborg. I like the little detail (which I bolded) because it almost reveals that he prefers efficiency, and dislikes wasting time or energy, which is fitting of a mathematician/engineer/physicist in particular (since we're always striving to be as efficient as possible).
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
The rest of Ryuu's body was hidden from view, a joint effort by the large chair he was sitting in and his shinigami Captain's robes. The only other thing visible was his bare feet for some reason, being soaked.
The fact that his body was mostly hidden is probably due to his small size - perhaps a little detail that could be thrown in, which would help visualise the character. Also, you've used the feet soaking before
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Mizuhashi asked noting that the room they were in was lit only by computer screen light and flashing machine indicators.
Another nice little bit of description that helps visualise the scene.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
"The blood and bodily fluids in the blue machine to your left. The poison sample goes in the green machine to your upper right.”
If there's one thing that I myself have learnt, is that colours are very useful when showing things to people - something Ryuu has also learnt XP
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Ryuu responded to him, not turning his attention away from his calculations and other various sets of data on his computer screen.
DAAAAATAAAAA
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“That's not healthy at all, even if your body is cybernetically enhanced, it still needs rest. You do know your effectiveness decreases the more you strain yourself to stay up and keep working.” Mizuhashi told him placing the samples in the correct machines. “Also, do not forget those cybernetic enhancements do put a lot strain on your body, granted upgrades over the years has reduced this drawback, it still poses a valid reason for concern. I may have to give you a check up to see your body is still functioning properly.”
And of course, Mizuhashi stays in-character as the medic, voicing his concern on the way that Ryuu is treating his body - something which makes sense for Ryuu to not always be top-priority.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“My self-diagnostic program assures me that I'm operating at an acceptable level.” Ryuu countered moving his feet a little in the water he was soaking them in. “ I also point out that the Head-Captain's well-being is more important than my lack of sleep.” A few colorful charts and graphs appeared on the screen, several sets of data with various numbers also present on the screen.
His use of the phrase "acceptable level" again proves that his well being wouldn't always be "top-priority". In this case, he is okay as long as his body can do what he wants it to do, at an acceptable level/speed. And the fact that he consider's the Head-Captain's well-being more important than him makes sense for his personality (and quite nicely contrasts with Narcisse, who holds himself/his looks above most other things).
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Mizuhashi answered the workaholic cyborg, noting all the new stuff on the computer screen.
Good description of workaholic - I am the same, when it's something that I enjoy doing, and is definitely a good decription of Ryuu.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Ryuu kept working, “Normally yes, but using the time manipulation powers of my zanpaktou, I can speed up the process dramatically.” He still had not turned to face Mizuhashi, his eyes glued to the information before him.
Which shows just how top-priority the Head-Captain is to them, if he's using his zanpakutou like that. And the fact that he's focusing both of his eyes purely on the screen supports that.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“Fatigue brought on from three days worth of missed sleep mixed with stress from your cybernetics. You're adding stress from high reshi and reiatsu concentration and usage?” Mizuhashi then noticed a bowl of curry on the far left of him, untouched. “Then to add starvation to it as well, you need a few days to recover and eat.”
One of my more favourite lines of the chapter - it's quite a typical, almost, line you'd get from a doctor, but the added bowl of curry is a nice touch as well.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“I can do that as soon as this crisis gets taken care of, simple as that.” Ryuu answered checking over all the data from the samples. “The poison is just below Narcisse's caliber, it does seem that the high level of sugar in the Head-Captain's system caused the poison to have an adverse reaction. Thus reducing it's lethality.”
Once again, Ryuu puts his own health on a lower priority. And the fact that he had an explanation using the sugar was good - but in terms of the plot, it shows that whoever the assassin was either did not realise that the sugar would affect the poison like that; did not know that Golde was a sugar-holic, or knew the effect of the sugar, and his aim was not to kill, but to weaken (as having an ill Golde would mean that Mizuhashi would have to take care of him. Of course, it means that there would be a time limit until Golde heals).
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“Is that so, is it possible for your machines and other doohickeys made a miscalculation or error?”
I like that he used the word "doohickey", which just shows the different levels of understanding of machinery that Ryuu and Mizuhashi have. But I don't understand what exactly he thinks is wrong? My first thought was that it was the sugar, because that was simply incorrect (would blood sugar levels negatively affect the lethality of a poison?), but it seems it's the fact that the poison was below Narcisse's level (as well as the fact that it was weakened?), but Mizuhashi still had to use Bankai. Perhaps that could be made more clear.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“There is a .071435256% chance of an error being made to cause this radical of a reading.” Ryuu answered him, glancing at the cold curry to his left from time to time.
RANDOM NUMBERS FOR THE WIN! Also, cold curry is still nice if it's spicy.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“I personally think you should run a few more tests, letting them take however long they need to while you rest. I really wouldn't want to have to drag you kicking and screaming to my squad. Aozora should be proof enough that I can and will do so if I see fit.” Mizuhashi then walked up to Ryuu and looked at him directly in the face, leaning a bit over the keyboard.
Looks like Dr. Medic just can't stand to see a person make themself ill.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Their eyes locked, and under the famous “death-glare” of Captain Akira, Captain Ryuu Schiffer wasn't completely immune from the glare that sent almost anything into a mental wreck.
"Almost anything" what, even objects? XD
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“Your eyes lock with your victim, your spiritual pressure is then manipulated to add moisture around a small controlled area. Next, your spiritual energy is lightly coated on your target. These factors give off the illusion of a cold sweat and the feeling of the body going into shock.” Mizuhashi smiled and kept staring, “It seems my organic components are not completely immune to your gaze. I may need to to collect more data to create an effective counter measure against you.” Ryuu told him in a monotone, unable to move.
And so Ryuu objectively analyses Mizuhashi's glare, in an attempt to weaken it, perhaps. It didn't seem to work XD. I like how he's talking to him almost like an enemy with that last line.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“You would be able to move if you were in good condition, however the starvation, insomnia and stress all weaken you. Let's go to my squad, we have freshly baked cookies for good patients!” Mizuhashi said cheerfully, dragging Ryuu out of his chair and away from his lab.
Cookies, definitely Mizuhashi.
I really like this scene. As I've analysed, it really shows both of the characters, and the way that they interact with each other. It was only a small bit of plot, but was stretched from what could be one line "Mizuhashi went to the Twelfth Squad and gave Ryuu blood and poison samples, before dragging him back to the Fourth Squad." into all of that. It does explain a bit more about the villain as well, with my mention of how good he/she is at poisons.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Captain Niche Neeya and his elite team of punishment force members arrived at one of the legendary four nobles estates. The darkening gray sky with drizzling rain was oddly fitting, his team hiding their presence with kido. Bending the light around them so that it appeared they were invisible, a technique hardwired into them, the former Squad Two captain being hailed as the best at it.
The light-bending-kidou emphasises the ninja-ness of the squad. Though why does he have the "team of punishment force members" with him? They aren't yet going to punish Narcisse, as they don't know that it is him. Narcisse would never admit to killing the Head-Captain, even if it was him, because only an idiot would do so.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Niche looked around, a few maid wearing very skimpy and frilly uniforms were working on the estate along with butlers. He had never knew how skimpy service uniforms for both genders could get until coming here, he wondered what the others had to say about it for a moment.
Typical Narcisse, that's all there is to say on the matter XP
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“His Handsomeness Master Dac? I'll inform him of your visit.”
Typical Narcisse, though it does show his ego very well.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Niche then noticed that even the traditional wood used to make the estate seemed finely polished and waxed. The fact it managed to pull this off even in the rain, just made it that much more impressive to him.
Again, even this little bit of detail shows the grandness that is a Noble's estate.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Narcisse Dac graced Niche with his presence after a good twenty-five minutes of waiting.
It seems like a typical Narcisse thing to make someone wait, but he doesn't explain the reason for it? I would have expected him to say something like "I wasn't too sure what outfit would match my darker complexion in the rain" or something like that.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
His robes were made fine silk, the almost pure white robes getting soaked, revealing some odd piece of clothing underneath. “Why hello there new Captain of Squad Two, to what do I owe the pleasure? “
He didn't come out with an umbrella or something? It seems almost unlike him to not mind his clothes getting wet. But the mention that Niche is a
new captain may be slightly important - he is the least experienced of them all.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“Do you think I poisoned this person? If they're still alive, clearly that is not the case.” Dac told him wagging his finger in niche's face.
As big as his ego is, Narcisse is right - unless of course, my previous statement was correct, and he intended only to make ill.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
During this time the maids undid the kido used to hide the ninjas and grabbed the male ninjas. The butlers did the same targeting the female ninjas. Both exposed teams tried removing them, but struggled to avoid the groping hands of the help.
Nice detail of the butlers getting the girls, and the maids getting the boys. It makes sense for Narcisse to get perverse - yet powerful - servants.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“How the hell did they do that!?” Niche asked surprised at their actions. He watched in shocked awe as his highly trained punishment force team was outright molested in public by a punch of maids and butlers in skimpy and flashy versions of the uniforms of those professions.
I think the last bit of detail seemed unnecessarily long "in skimpy and flashy uniforms" would have sufficed.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Narcisse smirked, “How cute, they seem to like each other.” He noted at how inexperienced this team and Niche was compared to Jin and his group.
Wouldn't his team be just as experienced as Jin's? That is, assuming that only Jin was replaced by Niche.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
Dac's expression darkened a bit, the maids and butlers now trying to strip the poor ninjas.
I like the contrast between the seriousness of Niche and Narcisse's conversation, and the silliness of the servants and ninjas.
And so we have suspect number one in custody. Of course, Narcisse himself denies killing the Head Captain - and most likely isn't actually the murderer. Something tells me, though, that he may have had a connection with the murderer - perhaps a childhood rival while studying toxins. Of course, this is but pure speculation.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
The three were currently in a sealed off location, protected by several kido to make it nearly impossible to spy or overhear them.
The kidou barriers show the seriousness of the conversation - I doubt that most of the conversations between Captains are this serious.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“So the both of you fought his murderers, you know how strong they are, can they be beaten? I want their heads for what they did to him.”
Ah, a murder. Of course, having read the ending, they're obvioiusly talking about Senny's murder - likely the subject of the Captain's meeting in the previous chapter (hence the tension). But murdererS? So it was not a one-man job, and it seems that both Senshuken and Seijuro (or maybe only them?) know who they are.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
They had suffered heavy losses and damage from that mission, it wasn't surprising that the two were acting slightly off. It took all of his upbringing and near inhuman amount of patience to not breakdown into a psychotic mess.
Wow, it just shows how bad the mission must have gone, and how close Senny was to Senshuken.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“Revenge will be gotten, they will pay for their crimes. However we need to regroup and plan out our next move. Since Head-Captain is out of commission, it's up to the eleven captains left to deal with this.” Senshuken said without a hint of emotion.
Stone-cold logic.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“Niche will be investigating the poisoning, meaning Ryuu, Mizuhashi and possible Narcisse will be focused mainly on that. Since Mizuhashi and Ryuu know about the mission and the aftermath of it, I think they'll tell the other two about what happened.” Senshuken told them, leaning against a wall. “Dre, Zameric, and Saiga along with the Tenth Squad Captain, would be the captains that would know nothing and be free to do something.”
So Niche, Ryuu, Akira and Dac are focusing on the poisoning, and tracking down whoever did it. At the moment, Dre, Zam and Saiga aren't doing anything, so one or all three are likely to try and cover Golde's position.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“The Tenth Squad Captain left on an investigation of a powerful spiritual pressure in the world of the living, possible on vasto lorde level.” Seijuro informed the other two, not looking either of them in the eye.
This is definitely something to take note of - Vasto Lorde level power is incredibly rare and extremely dangerous. In fact, I think it should have been mentioned that Rotrum took a small team with him - we know from canon that VL are stronger than that of a Captain, and there's no way that only one captain would be sent. Likely 2 and a small group of Lieutenant and third seats, or 1 captains with a larger group of Lieuts and third seats. Also, I think that this will tie in with Golde and Senny - our strongest captain is ill, our Medic is busy taking care of him, Senny is dead
(or is he?) and Rotrum is in the World of the Living. That's four of our Captains kept busy at the least.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
“Aozora tole me she ask Ryuu to scan the battle ground for any links to go on, along with Niche's Squad. Since Squad Two and Twelve are going to be spread thin, I'll have my Squad investigate the area.” Seijuro answered, a hand gripping his sword tightly.
As mentioned, Squad 12 and 2 will be kept incredibly busy - investigating the toxins and analysing the battlefield.
Originally Posted by
MasterCharizard15
They had to face facts, the Captain of Squad Eight, Senny, was murdered.
I like the buildup that you've had with the last seen, sort of implying here and there what happened, but not stating it until the very end with a quick, short line. I think it was dramatic and had a big impact, and helps clear up that last scene as well.
Overall, a very good chapter. The decription was detailed, but not overly so. As you can see, it's let me have a more detailed analysis of the characters throughout each scene, but with the way that it was spread out, it didn't get boring. The way that the characters interacted with each other was very good, and showed everyone's personality through it as well. The plot seems to be setting up a bit more, with the revelation of Senny's death, and the introduction of the Vasto Lorde, it seems a lot will happen in the later chapters - especially when they start to connect with each other.
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