
Originally Posted by
kusari
Night in the desert: harsh, barren and freezing cold.
Alright, okay, that was fine. A nice use of rule of three there, immediately sets the scene. This was the high point of the fic - everything went downhill from here...
I'm kidding btw

Originally Posted by
kusari
No person in the right mind would be out in this place. But someone is just crazy enough to be out.
Their right mind.
The wording of the second sentence is awkward, and I'm having trouble thinking up an alternative.

Originally Posted by
kusari
In the distance a man was walking across a dune as a sandstorm rips through the area.
Could have been described much better, much more detailed. "A shadowy figure" instead of "a man", pretty much any verb instead of "walk", you should describe the scene to set the mood, and maybe even to foreshadow if good/bad things will happen later. I dunno,
anything.

Originally Posted by
kusari
The back kimono he was wearing was covered by a brown cloak. A hood was pulled over his head allowing only a small amount of his snow white hair revealed.
Again, pretty bland description. "A few tufts of snow white hair escaped the dark hood which covered most of his head."

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Rrrrrraaaaaawwwwwwrrrrrrrr!” A loud cry echoed throughout the vast expanse of the wasteland.
The onomatopoeia is definitely not needed.

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Hey jump off.” The man commanded to the small cloaked figure on his back. His voice was that of a young man, most likely no older than twenty-one. The figure did as he commanded.
Needs a comma after "hey" (and a LOT of times elsewhere in the fic). There was a cloaked figure on his back and we only learnt now? Why keep "the figure" an unknown, whereas the protagonist was directly stated to be a man, and his description very quickly being described.

Originally Posted by
kusari
The man quickly spun to his right just in time to see a large beast appear in front of him. The monstrosity had a fully black body; perfectly normal sets of arms and legs. The most outstanding feature was the white bone-like mask with emotionless black eyes and a hole right in its chest.
Getting pretty tired of seeing "the man" again and again. Also, it's a massive monster, there's no such thing as "perfectly normal sets of arms and legs". Also, I would describe the hole in its chest at the point where you describe the black body, since we're working chronologically largest feature to smallest feature.00

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Rrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwrrrrrrrrr!” It cried again.
"Unnecessary onomatopoeia!" I cried again.

Originally Posted by
kusari
He hit the ground and rolled, stopping right in front of the small ally.
The small what.

Originally Posted by
kusari
He ripped the brown cloth off his shoulders and head revealing his face.
You should have mentioned something like "being able to move more easily now, he...". Otherwise it just seems like "A HOLLOW! I MUST TAKE OFF MY SHIRT."

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Die.” He said to the beast.
"Die he said" makes him sound so deadpan in my head.

Originally Posted by
kusari
It roared as everything faded to white.
"Everything faded to white"? What? Makes it seem like a movie scenario "fade to white, cue ending theme song".

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Finally Mizore we made it to the Seretei.”
Needs a comma.

Originally Posted by
kusari
Soul Reapers are the spiritual guardians of the World of the Living. They maintain the balance between the myriad of good and evil souls.
Is that really necessary?

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Really Kai?”
Needs a comma.

Originally Posted by
kusari
standing on the other side was a man in the same black kimono Kai did.
...kimono that Kai wore.

Originally Posted by
kusari
The man’s apparel had one major difference and that was over his kimono was a white robe with the kanji for thirteen on the back.
Mmm, I don't know what it is, but the phrasing of "the kanji for 13 on his back" really puts me off.

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Hello.” The older man said in a very compassionate voice. “I’m Jushiro Ukitake: Captain of Squad Thirteen. And who, may I ask, are you?”
Wait, why is Ukitake at the gate for the Seireitei? He's not on guard duty is he. Besides, he's kinda sickly, and that should have been shown.

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Well I’d say become a Captain or Lieutenant but since you just…”
No. He'd probably ask what squad he's from as well. And I'm sure Ukitake is definitely against the idea that only Cap. and Lieut. deserve respect. He would have answered something like "be hard working and compassionate" or something.

Originally Posted by
kusari
“How?”
“How what?”
“How can I become a Captain?” Kai replied.
“Well I highly doubt you could but there are two ways: learn and perfect bankai or defeat another Soul Reaper who is presently at Captain level in a fight witnessed by two hundred or more squad members.”
He just... answered him like that?

Originally Posted by
kusari
“What? You can’t be serious.” Ukitake gasped.
Ukitake would probably have just laughed it off.

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Fine, you can come with me but first you need to jump down here so I can learn a little more about you.”
"I have no idea who you are but come with me on my adventure!". Also, really awkard wording. If you were going to go with that, I would at least say something like "Come down here and tell me who you are - maybe I'll think about letting you join me."

Originally Posted by
kusari
“My name’s Ashido. And I want quick respect just like you.”
I should really just stop. Anything more is killing me.

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Ok Ashido let’s go. But we need to get one thing straight first; I fight to defeat the Captain and Lieutenant. When I win I’m Captain, Mizore is Lieutenant and you can take the next spot after that. Is that clear?”
“Yes sir.” Ashido saluted.
All I have in my review notes is:
wat.
Which, I think, covers my thoughts very well.

Originally Posted by
kusari
As the group sped past another Soul Reaper, Ashido spun around and pinned him against the wall.
They sped past him,
then they pin him?

Originally Posted by
kusari
Kai ran up and pounded on the next door. “Get the hell out here!” He yelled. A man with shaggy brown hair answered the cry.
“What do you want?” The captain asked.
No description of the captain, or what he's doing, and he answers immediately, and... wow.

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Bring all the members of your squad to the courtyard in fifteen minutes.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fifteen minutes later…
“The entire squad’s here. So why’d you call us all out?” Rokin asked.
HE ACTUALLY DID IT WHAT.

Originally Posted by
kusari
“Simple.” Kai said smugly. “I’m challenging you and your Lieutenant to a two on one match for control of this squad. Right now there are two hundred members present so if I win I win your Captain position. Mizore stay with Ashido for the time being.”
“Time to begin.” Rokin cried.
Okay I have notes for the rest of the fic but I am literally going to give up now. I'm not even going to bother reading through the fic a second time and properly typing out my response because I think I'm going to have an aneurysm.
Congratulations.