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Thread: Thanksgiving Dinner (Rated G)

  1. #1
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    Default Thanksgiving Dinner (Rated G)

    Hiya, folks! Gallade here. What with Thanksgiving coming up, I decided to get in the holiday spirit with a Thanksgiving fic. It's a special revolving around the charactes in my Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers series, though it takes place before the first book begins. Basically, it's a holiday special. There will probaly end up being Enjoy!



    Thanksgiving Dinner: Treasure Town Edition


    Chapter 1



    "HEY! IT'S MORNING! WAKE UP!"

    Loudred's explosive voice rang throughout the Guild, waking all the inhabitants. One by one, the apprentices made their way into the main hall. Chatot awaited them anxiously, seeming in even more of a rush than usual.

    "Hurry up, everybody!" he called. "I have an important announcement!"

    "Ooh, an announcement!" Sunflora beamed, skipping around anxiously.

    Loudred put an arm on Sunflora's shoulder, jerking her to a stop. "WOAH, there! If you keep running around like that, you'll just end up hurting yourself or WORSE, hurting ME!"

    "Hey hey, Loudred!" Corphish scolded. "You can't possibly be worrying about yourself on a holiday like this, can you?"

    "HOLIDAY?" Loudred smacked his forehead. "AAAAUUGH! I'd actually forgotten!"

    "Meh heh heh."

    The three apprentices turned to face Croagunk. "Oh, good morning, Croagunk!" Sunflora greeted.

    "Meh heh heh. Not even I forgot what today was. Me, who quite literally lives for my job! You should be ashamed, Loudred."

    "HEY!" Loudred hooted. "DON'T RUB IT IN!"

    "Golly, Loudred, you're being even louder than usual, yup yup!"

    Bidoof strode up behind them, clutching his ears. "Hey hey! Happy holidays, Bidoof!" Corphish grinned.

    "Gosh, you too!" Bidoof smiled.

    "Happy holidays everyone!"

    "Happy holidays Chimecho!"

    Chimecho floated in, ringing happily. "Ooh, I'm so happy! I always love this time of year!"

    Suddenly, the ground crumbled beneath Loudred, who jumped back in surprise. "YEEEAAARRGH!!!"

    "Er, sorry Loudred!"

    "DIGLETT! I should have known!"

    Diglett and Dugtrio had both surfaced right underneath Loudred's feet. "Well happy holidays to you too!" Diglett retorted.

    "Hi guys!"

    The apprentices all turned around as somebody climbed down the ladder into the Guild. "Piplup! Chimchar!" Chimecho greeted happily.

    "Hey hey hey! Happy holidays!" Corphish waved.

    "What are you guys doing here so early?" Dugtrio inquired.

    Chimchar shrugged. "It's Thanksgiving! We only felt it right to come spend the day with you guys."

    "Yeah!" Piplup nodded. "And it's been a while since we had any of Chimecho's cooking."

    "HA!" Loudred scoffed. "So brought you here? Your friends or your stomachs? HA!"

    "Hey, don't blame us!" Chimchar snapped. "As good as Chimecho's typical dinners were, I'd love to try out her Thanksgiving supper!"

    Chimecho blushed. "I'm flattered, Chimchar!" She turned on Loudred. "At least, SOMEBODY appreciates my cooking!"

    "Urk," Loudred winced, drawing back ruefully.

    "Well! Piplup, Chimchar, it's good to see you two here!"

    "Happy Thanksgiving, Chatot!" Piplup smiled.

    "Happy Thanksgiving to you too!" Chatot grinned. "It's a good thing you two came! We'll need your help in the preparations!"

    Chimchar and Piplup saluted simultaneously. "Glad to be of service!"

    "You'd better be ready for some hard work!" Chatot warned. "This is going to take a lot of group effort!"

    "That's fine!" Chimchar assured. "We used to live here, remember? We're quite used to the hard work!"

    "Hee hee hee!" Chatot laughed. "It's funny because it's true!"

    "Friendly friends! It looks like we're all ready!"

    All eyes turned to the door leading into the Guildmaster's chamber. Wigglytuff stood there, smiling happily as always. "Good morning, Guildmaster!" everyone chorused.

    "Who's ready for Thanksgiving?" Wigglytuff whooped.

    "Yeah!" the apprentices cheered.

    "I SAID, WHO'S READY?!?!"

    "YEAH!!!"

    "WHO'S READY?!?!?!?!?"

    "WE'RE READY!!!!"

    "YEAH!!!"

    "YEAH!!!"

    Finally, after everyone calmed down, Wigglytuff and Chatot stepped to the front to address the apprentices.

    "Alright, everybody, listen up!" Chatot shreed. "The Guildmaster will now announce everyone's assignments!"

    "Ok!" Wigglytuff beamed. "Friendly friends! This is going to be the greatest Thanksgiving ever! I swear it in the name of Wigglytuff's Guild! YOOM-TAH!!!"

    There was a flash of white light and everyone winced from the explosive force of Wigglytuff's scream. "Eeek!" Sunflora shrieked.

    "Aiih!" Chatot covered his ears.

    "And you thought I was loud!" Loudred mumbled. However, nobody was able to hear him due to their blasted eardrums.

    "Now, here are your assignments!" Wigglytuff announced. "Loudred and Sunflora! You two go to Oran Forest and pick some berries. Alright?"

    "SIR YES SIR!" Loudred saluted.

    Sunflora saluted too. "Yep! You've got it, Guildmaster!"

    "Corphish and Bidoof! Are you two up for handing out our homemade Thanksgiving cards around Treasure Town?"

    "Hey hey! We happily oblige!" Corphish nodded.

    "Yup yup!" Bidoof agreed. "That sounds really fun!"

    "Diglett and Dugtrio!" Wigglytuff continued. "Can you guys go to Spinda Cafe and buy the drinks for tonight?"

    "Yep!" Diglett nodded.

    "Of course!" Dugtrio assured.

    "Good!" Wigglytuff grinned. "Chimecho and Croagunk! You two are on cooking duty!"

    "Of course!" Chimecho smiled. "Always happy to whip up some grub!"

    "Meh heh heh," Croagunk snickered. "I can probably whip up some Pumkin Berry Pie in my Swap Cauldron."

    "Great!" Wigglytuff laughed. "I can't wait for it!"

    "I'll handle decorations!" Chatot jumped about excitedly.

    Wigglytuff smiled. "Of course, Chatot! Don't you always?"

    "It's my specialty!" Chatot assured.

    "Of course," Wigglytuff nodded. "So, Piplup and Chimchar, that just leaves you."

    "We're ready!" Chimchar saluted.

    "Yeah!" Piplup agreed. "Lay it on us!"

    "Alright!" Wigglytuff grinned. "I'll need you two...to go out...and catch..." He paused multiple times, building up the suspense.

    "Just tell us!" Piplup roared suddenly.

    "Alright!" Wigglytuff laughed. "I need you two to catch a Farfetch'd!"



    Hope you all like it! There'll probably end up being 3-5 chapters in the end, so be ready for more!
    Dimensions of Darkness - on hiatus l Sgt. Froakie - ongoing l Envoy - upcoming

    harmoNy - one-shot l The Piplup and Chimchar Variety Hour - on hiatus
    Author's Profile

    Latest Chapter (Sgt. Froakie): Chapter 2 - Beware the Cute Ones
    Credit to Astral Shadow for the awesome sig!

  2. #2
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    Hm. I wonder if I should bother reviewing or not. I mean it's clearly evident that you've failed to take advice even from nice reviewers/critics, and continually ignore upon actually improving your writing from the bare minimal to garner mindless reviews.

    But this is a holiday story so why don't I get into the spirit of giving and give you a review ;)

    That you'll ignore.

    But I'm bored so I win either way.

    "HEY! IT'S MORNING! WAKE UP!"

    Loudred's explosive voice rang throughout the Guild, waking all the inhabitants. One by one, the apprentices made their way into the main hall. Chatot awaited them anxiously, seeming in even more of a rush than usual.
    This is flat, scriptish and just tells us what happens, instead of showing us or letting us revel in the fact that Loudred's explosive voice blasted everyone awake; rupturing eardrums as well as shattering sleep.

    "Hey! It's morning! EVERYONE WAKE UP!" Loudred shouted out, forgetting to keep control of his voice as the usual excitement over a new day got the best of him. With tremendous force, his voice ripped through the small building which housed the equally small guild. Walls rumbled, doors were knocked off their hinges and from within formerly quiet sleeping chambers, pained cries escaped.

    Covering his mouth from shame and guilt, Loudred could only watch in horror as his companions appeared, as they did every morning, with ears bleeding and looks of death in their eyes.


    Hm lesse what else.

    Suddenly, the ground crumbled beneath Loudred, who jumped back in surprise. "YEEEAAARRGH!!!"

    "Er, sorry Loudred!"

    "DIGLETT! I should have known!"

    Diglett and Dugtrio had both surfaced right underneath Loudred's feet. "Well happy holidays to you too!" Diglett retorted.
    Again with the listy detail? You just tell us this happened and that person yelled and then this person showed up. Yes, I'm saying people. Why? Well obviously these can't be pokemon since you failed to describe them, or give them depth or personality or description or detail or anything about them and their actions outside the bare minimal you trudged out with internet pen to interwebz paper.

    And I mean these can't be pokemon as they have no names and are called by their species. It'd be like calling a dog 'dog' or horse 'horse' and that can be really confusing when you get more than one of anything so obviously these have to just be people.

    And another example.

    "Hey, guys, do you feel that?" Loudred asked in a slight worried tone. He felt a rumbling, but was it his own stomach? Or something else? At the confused glances he received, Loudred continued. "That shaking?"

    One of his companions shook a head, and was about to answer when Loudred let out a short cry of surprise as he was flung back. His friends also let out startled gasps. Though not at him being sent back tumbling, but what erupted from the ground from where he stood!


    Durp.

    Like the first sample, no can't use. But, I doubt you'd use anything :)

    I mean you clearly don't even use time to try and do anything outside of rushing something out as quickly as possible to appease people who really don't offer you any advice on how to improve. But then again we get back to the point that you seem to do everything you can to not improve :)

    "I SAID, WHO'S READY?!?!"

    "YEAH!!!"

    "WHO'S READY?!?!?!?!?"

    "WE'RE READY!!!!"

    "YEAH!!!"

    "YEAH!!!"
    Clearly it's someone who shouts alot, abuses exclamation marks and talks to themselves. But yeah It's ready. For something. Whatever it is.

    "Alright!" Wigglytuff grinned. "I'll need you two...to go out...and catch..." He paused multiple times, building up the suspense.

    "Just tell us!" Piplup roared suddenly.

    "Alright!" Wigglytuff laughed. "I need you two to catch a Farfetch'd!"
    Duck! It's what's for dinner!

    And yet again you're telling us and not really allowing any development for any of your characters. Atleast description wise.

    "Just tell us already!" Piplup roared out, not caring if he was being rude. But he was tired of Wigglytuff's games and he wanted to know what the hell he was supposed to go out and retrieve already!

    Well have fun trundling about and rage facing :)

  3. #3
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    Yami's right, G_R. The story was okay, but it was quite simple. Rows and rows of lines of thin text after skinny text after each other don't really work.
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