Sorry it took me so long to reply, guys. This is the first day in about three that I didn't want to die from disease. TMI, but hey.
Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario
I love how Bill is the main character but you still managed to turn him into a Pokemon :P Poor Bill. I bet he feels like crap D:
Let's face it, though. When you're a character whose original existence was meant to be a reference to The Fly, you're just screwed from the get-go, no matter how smart you are.
With the release of the most recent chapter it seems like Bill will learn to develop a friendship with this parasite and use it to his benefit.
We'll just have to wait and see about that. ;D
If you have a PM list then I would love to be a part of it.
No problem. I'll keep you in mind. Thanks for the review!
Originally Posted by IJuggler
Sorry about the crappy quote tags; I don't have the energy anymore to go back and multiquote em all :P
Totally okay. XD Honestly, I didn't even notice that all that much.
You described the Absol a bit, but if I hadn't seen it before I would still probably wonder what it looked like.
Sorry. I suppose I'm just very used to the idea that descriptions aren't necessary for well-known figures in a fandom, considering the people who are reading a fanfiction most likely are members of the fandom and would know what an Absol looks like. I mean, I don't mean to argue when you're such a good reviewer (as I suspected you were from reading your other reviews). I'd just like to hear what the general opinion is about describing Pokémon and common items or concepts in the fandom, especially now that I'm in a different community anyway.
I like that both the Absol fits in with the scenery and that it shows a disaster may be happening soon, though. Nice touch.
This sentence, for me, read oddly. Missing a tiny bit of description for the flying through air, mixed with confusion from 'a paw'. If you said 'one of his paws.' it would make more sense.
Sure. I'll check it out.
I like that you established a timeline early; it gives more backstory to a story, without having big infodumps.
Thanks. I have a bad habit for using infodumps, so I was afraid that half the first chapter would come off as something people would rather tl;dr.
Green curly hair. Blew my mind @_@.
XD I know, right? Oh, anime Bill. Your design does not make sense compared to your other incarnations. Or, well, anything else. Who would honestly wear this on a normal basis, you know?
My theory is it's dyed (considering Bill is usually "lol conventions" and would totally be one of those odd ball college students who randomly decides to dye his hair because he doesn't like being a brunette), but you never know with the anime.
And if I don't actually say thank you for the grammatical corrections from here on out, I'd just like to say thanks for all of them and that I'll take care of them when I can. Really, I'm not sure how I managed to miss them; I even had a beta for the first couple of chapters (before real life started to suck for her/me/the two of us at the same time).
Your characterizations of Bill and Oak were spot on, and I feel the need to point it out.
Thanks. That's one of the points I tried to focus on, mostly because I've always felt like people need to do those characters justice in fanfiction more often. I'd go into a further rant here, but that'd take pages.
I can't help but feel that the creature is a Lovecraftian horror. The cold, scientific setting is probably what really set it off though.
Cthulhu may or may not be making an appearance later on in this fic. (Too easy? Maybe I should go with Nyarlathotep. That's a fun reference.)
Hasn't it been ten years since the project has started?
Ten months. The timeline went roughly like this (with estimates actually being estimates because I haven't thought too much about this):
Spoiler:- Cut 'cause it's senselessly long.:
Almost a year ago (give or take a couple of months):
Astronomers: "Oh snap! Meteor crashed into Hoenn!"
A few days after that:
Fortree residents just returning: "Oh snap! There's dead Pokémon all over Fortree! What's causing this?!"
A week after that:
Fortree residents: "Oh, hey there, new creature. What are yo-- OH GOD OH GOD IT'S NOT FRIENDLY."
A week after that:
Search party: "Hi. We're the search party, and-- OH GOD WHAT IS THIS I DON'T CARE RUN THE EFF IN THE OTHER DIRECTION."
A few days after that:
Japanese government: "So, uh, we sent you to Fortree to investigate why the entire human population just van--"
Search party: "ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS. MILLIONS OF THEM."
Japanese government: "Uh, what?"
Search party: "ELDRITCH. MILLIONS."
Japanese government: "What, really?"
Search party: "DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE."
Japanese government. "Oh. Well, damn."
A month after this (and, surprisingly, very little bureaucracy later):
Japanese government: "Well, we'd better do something about this. So... you, you, and you." *pointing to random research facilities* "We'll be taking you over, kthnx. Oh, and throw all the members of the Pokémon Symposium into these facilities. Tell them we'll pay them, offer them benefits... and, I don't know, give them cake or something."
Pokémon researchers across Japan: "YAY! CAKE!"
A month after this:
Japanese government: "Okay, are all of the facilities set up and ready to take in some random abominations we found?"
Researchers: "You lied about the cake. :("
Japanese government: "Yeah, well, whatever. Here, have a new Pokémon to study."
Committee: "OH, BY THE WAY, WE'RE WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE AND CLASSIFYING RANDOM CRAP SO YOU DON'T PANIC."
Researchers: "Wait. How is that helping us?"
Committee: "SHUT UP. IT'S A BAD SCI-FI FLICK."
A couple months after this, in the Orange Islands:
Researchers: "CRAPCRAPCRAPCRA" *ded*
Committee: "YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT."
A couple weeks after this, in Polaris:
Bill: "Hi there! :D"
Nettle: "...Are you flipping kidding me?"
Oak: "Nope. I really am as senile as you think I am and can assure you that this teenager can definitely do as awesome a job as you, a seasoned researcher with at least twenty years of field experience under your belt, can do around a dangerous, man-eating Pokémon."
A few seconds later:
Bill: "Hey, Professor Nettle! Am I doing this right?"
Nettle: "...I hate you."
Time between then and now:
Bill: "...Shouldn't we be studying something other than communication patterns and how it responds to random stimuli that we've been throwing into its tank?"
Nettle: "...I hate you."
Researchers: "Also, we haven't finished studying how it's attacking, so shut up."
And there you have it. Technically, they know that it kills and drains victims of their blood (except for humans, anyway), but they haven't really gotten down to the part where they observed it attacking live specimens yet because they seriously knew nothing about it and started from essentially the ground up. What's really hindering them, though, is a combination of the fact that they can't get close to it without it trying to jump at them and kill them and that the Committee's withholding information from them for reasons not yet known to them (but they're definitely, definitely plot-related).
Chapter one ended nicely, even through the corny 009 thing :P.
*bows at the corniness*
I noticed less description of the lab here, so I just ended up imagining white-blue lab walls and high-tech computers and stuff everywhere.
Pretty much all it is, actually.
Like, really skipped, or walked bouncing on the balls of her feet, or what? It seems odd for her to skip.
Maybe I don't have Domino down correctly, but I thought sometimes thought she was a bit bubbly when she thought she had the upper hand. Like, she was inclined to do backflips, just because she could instead of because they'd be a reasonable way to dodge an attack. I'll have to look at Mewtwo Returns again to check.
In other words, I meant it to mean she actually skipped, but now, I'm not sure if she's that bubbly when she's winning.
The Tyranitar seems going a tiny bit far.
In terms of the Hyper Beam, I'll have to admit that, looking back, it's one of the things I'm not entirely comfortable with. XD; (Although I do need something to break that glass... which actually gives me a nice idea that would capitalize on something Act said earlier.)
I would assume that it would go through the ceiling of the building,
Aren't Tyranitar only supposed to be six and a half feet tall, though? O_o The average height of a ceiling's roughly nine feet up for a modern building, so I'd imagine a Tyranitar would be able to fit.
Or is my writing implying that it's a particularly large Tyranitar? Because if that's the case, then I'll definitely look into it. I'm thinking of changing what Pokémon it is anyway because you're right in saying it feels a little too much like overkill. (I guess for most Team Rocket members, that'd actually be in-character, but I'm so unfamiliar with Domino. I feel like that might not be her style.)
Just being picky here, but who is the 'they'? The Rockets are holding back the scientists, and the scientists are fighting to get past the Rockets.
The latter. Part of the reason why the scientists are fighting to get past the Rockets is to interrupt what's about to happen because, well, Eldritch Abomination + freedom = good reason to start panicking.
I was confused as to what exactly had its front smashed in until I read on more. The way it's phrased here makes it seem as though the poke ball that holds Tyranitar exploded.
I'd really, really hate to debate a reviewer, but when you've got a parenthetical description, it's usually referring to the first noun in front of it, which would be the tower of machinery. Since the ball isn't a tower, it's another machine.
You have five minutes before the planet explodes. Escape.
The ending gave me flashbacks of the old movie 'Evolution'.
I love you.
Also, I forgot about that movie, but now, I'm inclined to pick it back up because it was just so awesome. What other movie involves defeating the Big Bad with Head and Shoulders?
Black Tulip is such a sadist. Laughing into flowers, I mean really :/.
Which is why I wanted to have her in this fic. ;D Cliché villain, yes, but still.
The metaphor makes sense, until you think of Steelix as a huge steel snake. Tranqs just wouldn't go into it. Perhaps Tauros would work?
Maybe. Or maybe a Wailord. Or would that be overkill?
Whoa. Same paragraph, twice.
That's special. XD I'm honestly not sure how that happened. Probably botched editing on my part between its original version and that. This should show you that it's a bad idea to edit a post when one's tired. Or drunk. I'd go check to see which it was, but I'm lazy.
That's not sci-fi! If it were, he would be struggling with all his might as long as possible!
Gasp! You're right!
This section confused me. What second heart is it talking about?
The parasite acts as a second heart because it's its own entity, just sort of... fused to him.
Did he die twice in one dream, or did he have this dream multiple times and die in it twice?
Twice in one dream. And then he got better. *shot*
I can honestly say that, for me, dreams have never 'receded'. They disappear quickly. I guess it could be different if you have a disgusting mutant corrupting your DNA, but I felt the need to mention it.
Ooh. Then I will feel the need to mention something about a disgusting mutant corrupting his DNA and therefore dreams through convenient temporary insanity. And then he got better. *shot*
Bill makes me think of what would happen if the genetic child of a Sableye and a Froslass were inserted into a human X_X.
Okay, what I love about being a geek getting reviews is being a very depraved geek getting reviews, so things like this make me crack up with the dirty thoughts I'm getting. And then, I get scene ideas, and that results in something involving a Sableye and a Frosslass and Bill somewhere along the line that won't entirely be pretty.
Or alternatively, I could just attempt to make the god of this fanfiction as genre-savvy as possible by playing with the basic Pokémon fic tropes. Hey, if I made random Pokémorphs and answered the question of what would happen if I stuck XP-494 in the same room as them, would I get less readers as a result or more?
Also, I KNEW that there would be a Star Wars reference! Bill extending his light saber and chopping off Surgeon Skywalker's hand was totally one of those, right?
...I should really stop reading this review because I'm just getting all kinds of dirty thoughts from it. What makes it worse is that Bill really did use a long, pointy part of his body to cut off that hand. And no, it wasn't his tail, either. Or, well, that, but I don't think that's really helping people's imaginations, is it?
I notice that the second intern totally disappeared when the first one went to get food. Just seems sort of odd.
Ha. Red shirt got killed off before any killing actually happened. Whoops.
I like Abel, and how his character interacts with Bill and the humans simultaneously. It shows that the parasite isn't just a mindless murderer.
Thank you. Oh, subtle moral dilemmas. I hoped I did it right, but basically, yeah, I want the aliens to seem like they're absolute horrors while at the same time acting in the name of something that could remotely resemble noble intentions. That way, the characters can start wondering whether or not eradicating them is entirely a good idea. Because that question's a seriously major plot point right there.
I'm getting more comfortable reading it, so I'll probably miss most of the small errors (assuming there are any :P).
I'll have to say you've done an impressive job so far, so I'm surprised you didn't find much to say about this one. O.o
It's a good chapter, and the parasite was remind me of (another!) sci-fi/fantasy aspect; Fallen Angels from the Dresden Files. Definitely a good series, if you're looking for reading material.
Oh man. I admit that's one series I haven't picked up yet, although I've definitely heard of it. In fact, I've been meaning to check it out, but the term "Fallen Angels" really makes me want to go read it now.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go shovel the driveway that should be clear by an hour ago :P.
XD Oh, winter. The bane of every northern creature's existence.
Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time to sit down and go through it all. I hope to see you around for later chapters. As you can tell, I could use your eye to bring me back down to earth now and then. (How the crap did I manage to repeat a four-line paragraph? That's just amazing talent right there.)
Originally Posted by JirachiTheAnimeAddict
Hello! I'm a closet reader finally making herself known.
Hey there! Nice to see you!
I've been reading this for quite a while, and I love it!
Thanks! I'm glad you like it!
This is the first fanfic that I've read that has Bill as a main character.
Yeah, the poor kid just doesn't get enough love. Or maybe he's lucky in that regard. I can never tell with fanfics. I mean, just looking at FFNet...
Uh, anyway, thanks. XD
It's also one of the few that has Domino in it too. I've never seen the special with her in it, but she's one of the coolest Pokémon characters out there.
Amen, although as you can probably tell with my response to IJuggler's comments about her and skipping, I'll have to really work on getting her badassery down correctly.
Also, XP-494 has to be one of the best Fakemon I've ever seen. Good job!
This fanfic gets a 10/10 so far. Keep it up!;444;
Thanks so much! I appreciate it.
Originally Posted by Diddy
I'm returned and caught up.
Hey there! Real life issues, out of curiosity? No need for details if it's personal. It's just been quiet around here. Or maybe it's just me, but in any case, welcome back.
I must say I really love the whole, Bill is now a hulking beast of epic proportions thing. Although, as a hulking beast of epic proportions, he isn't doing a very good job in the hulking beast department.
XD Yeah, I really don't think Bill could ever score points in that department. Awesome as he is, Bruce Banner he is not, unfortunately.
It's nice to see the plot moving along and the parasite doing it's work. XP-494 ftw!
Thanks! And it's nice to actually get the plot moving so I don't end up sitting there and going, "Oh crap. It's exposition again. Will readers actually sit through this?"
Anyway, thanks for all the reviews, guys! The next chapter should be out soon. Hopefully, anyway.
Last edited by JX Valentine; 23rd January 2010 at 10:10 PM.
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