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Thread: Mystery Dungeon- Explorers Of The Past.

  1. #1
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    Post Mystery Dungeon- Explorers Of The Past.

    Hello, It's me here, I hope you like the first chapter, It's a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Story, after the end of MD2. Every Comment is Welcome, I could do with some help.

    Chapter 1

    FLASH! A Flash of Lightning hit an unknown area. Young and Old alike pokemon were running from the area. However their was a scream. A scream which was loud, and sounded like for real.

    "Rose? ROSE? WAKE UP ROSE!" Will the Pikachu yelled.

    "Wha...What?" Rose's voice rang. It was a voice like no other, with a certain elegance to it.

    "Yay! Your awake- finally!" Will spoke.

    "Awake? Oh, I was asleep?" Rose asked.

    "Yes, partner, you were." Will answered. Rose looked confused.

    "I was? So the storm wasn't real..." Rose confusedly asked.

    "Storm. Storm. Storm. Storm." Will kept on saying. All of a sudden...

    BANG! Emperor had arrived. Emperor was a Roserade, and a member of Team Raiders.

    "Oh yes my dears. There was a storm at a Tower. But that is nothing to be afraid of. Especially you Darling Piplup Rose." Roserade nearly sang.

    "Roserade. Why did you have to burst in now. I was gonna say something very important!" Will asked.

    "Ooooohhh! Tell Me!!!!" Emperor begged.

    "No, not in that way. I was gonna ask whether we could go see Lapras, to find out if he knew anything?" Will asked. Rose let out a sigh of relief.

    "Okay. Got To Go Dearies." Roserade ran away again.

    "Was That really what you were going to say, Will?" Rose asked. There was a certain excitement in her beautiful voice.

    "Nothing more, Rose. Unless. You want to add something?" Will asked.

    "Nope!" Rose quickly replied. The two walked over to the beach.

    "Look who it is!" Lapras quickly said.

    "Hi Lapras!" The two replied.

    "May I be of Assistance for you two today?" Lapras asked.

    "Yes please. Roser- I mean Emperor said that there was a storm at a tower. Do you know anything about it?" Will asked.

    "Yes I do. The storm was at Time's End.A hidden place, and highly guarded. World's End Tower is the place what actually got hit. It is guarded by Team Raider. But... They say that a legendary Pokemon Lurks their. If the Pokemon gets out of control, then The Tower get's destroyed by storms. If the tower collapses, the world ends. It's actually a bit like Temporal Tower. Except. Dialga is calm. The Legendary Pokemon is very moody. If Too Many Pokemon go their, The Pokemon will get enraged. So it is the part of Team Raider and a two unknown Pokemon to stop the world from ending. Also, Team Raider take different shifts, Emperor doing the evening, Galaxy doing Noon and Earth the morning. However The 2 pokemon are anywhere in this world. Past, Present or Future. I'm sorry, that's all I know." Lapras finished.

    "Thanks Lapras, a lot!" The 2 Pokemon chorused. The 2 Pokemon ran off.

    "Past, Present Or Future. " Will said. Rose looked like she had an idea....
    Last edited by GlaceonLover1; 9th February 2010 at 5:38 PM.


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  2. #2
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    It's very short considering all that happens. And everything moves so fast that I can't get a good grip on what's happening. This needs a lot of work.

    There's no description beyond Rose having a beautiful voice (which is subjective) and that Empress is a beautiful Roserade. That doesn't cut it. Even the odd dream of lightning could use more description (what's the fear like, what's the area alike, what's the storm like? and so on). The lack leaves the story with a bad sense of being unreal, which makes it difficult to care about any of the characters.

    And what's wrong with having a male Roserade? I was under the impression that Raider was all-male and Charm was all-female, which is great because they each have one that goes against stereotype. And how does Empress get from Time's End to the Treasure Town guild? Yes, it might be some teleportation superpower, but that's just silly. Unless the whole fic is being that kind of silly, it's not well done.

    The dialogue is awkward and strange, while dropping hefty blunt anvil-hints of romance. That doesn't work either. And if you've been writing out numbers, you shouldn't suddenly use numerals at the end.

    Right now, the plot seems unworkable and uninteresting. If the plot is meant to be off-the-wall, well, not much I can say other than it needs better hooks to draw the reader into its wackiness. If it's meant to be serious, take the work more carefully and seriously. Give the reader some descriptions, slow the pace down, and fill things out.
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  3. #3
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    I forgot to mention though, I will add a character list soon, when more characters get introduced. Anyone know how you do a spoiler???? And anyway, here is chapter 2.

    Chapter 2

    "Past?" Rose spoke.

    "Yes-the past? Haven't you heard anything about it? " Chatot came running up to them.

    "No? What is the Past? And is it like the future?" Rose asked.

    "Well whatcha take me for?" Chatot asked moodilly. Chatot continued "Yes indeed I do. The Past is everything that has been forgotten about. Or what has happened before. Unlike the future, there is an guardian of the past. However... Only 3 Pokemon are allowed to go in, not including the Guardian. If your not... Then you will be stuck in the past forever. So you need to find the Guardian. She lives... well... That's the problem... She, Lady Berlin, her sister is one of the Members of Team Charm. So, track down Team Charm by the Guildmasters help and ask Team Charm about Lady Berlin!"

    "Oh... Ta Chatot!" Will yelled. Will pulled Rose into the Guild.

    "Guildmaster??? GUILDMASTER??? Oh there you are!" Rose exclaimed.

    "YOOM-TAH! Friends- look friends more friends. PARTY!" The Guildmaster exclaimed. Rose and Will looked around the chamber. Team Charm were there.

    "Wow. It's Team Success. Anything We could do for you?" Lopunny asked.

    "Yes. Who has a sister called Lady here?" Will asked.

    "That would be me. Guardian of the Past. Located always in Spinda's Cafe, when seen anywhere." Gardevoir spoke.

    "Thanks a lot!" Rose yelled, as the two ran to Spinda's Cafe. But then.... BANG!

    "Oh my gosh? Are you alright?" Rose asked. The graceful Pokemon stood up.

    "No it was all my fault. Lady Berlin, at your service. May I be of any help." Berlin asked.

    "Yes please. Are you indeed Guardian of The Past?" Rose asked. A smile broke apon Berlin's face.

    "Yes I am. Why do you ask?" Berlin asked.

    "Well. We heard that 3 pokemon not including you can go into The Past. Who are they?" Will asked.

    "Oh. One is stuck in the future, and Two are in the present. The two here I am not familiar with them, weird enough. They are an Piplup and an Grovyle. Grovyle was actually from the future!" Berlin laughed.

    "Erm? Gro...Grov... He is still in the future?" Rose struggled to say the name. Oh how badly she wanted to see him again. Her bond with him, was closer as human and Pokemon, but the bond still stood.

    "No he is not. He is right.... Right.... Here!" Rose screamed. She saw Dusknoir, arriving out of the ground. But then a familiar voice spoke.

    "Well. It's my owner. Long time my friend!" Rose turned to see Grovyle. Grovyle continued " And you went and frightened her. Dusknoir me and you are gonna need to talk about not frightening her again, mate!"

    "Wow! Your back! How did you manage to get back?" Rose asked.

    "Too much talk not good. Will, Dusknoir, you will have to stay out of this spot for a while."

    "WHY?" Will asked , really annoyed that he was getting excluded from the group.

    "Because, me, Rose and Grovyle are going to the past!" Berlin yelled...

    Meanwhile... Darkness was driving Celebi mad.

    "Why can't I see the stupid light again?" Celebi stormed around the forest. How much she longed to slap that stupid Berlin. Berlin had trapped her in this everlasting nightmare. THE FUTURE Was going to be no more soon, if she couldn't stop the plan.....


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  4. #4
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    Note: This review was written on February 8th, for the Dozen Red Roses movement. If chapters have been published since I wrote this and Valentine’s Day, the review will not be edited. If I find the story interesting, I will keep reviewing past chapter 1.

    This fanfic… did not start out well. I know you were told in sixth or seventh grade to use creative language like onomatopoeias whenever you can, but frankly if you don’t use them in precisely the right way it just looks tacky. You need to control yourself when using the shift key, slow down your pacing a little, and introduce us to the characters. Did Will the Pikachu randomly pop out of thin air?

    …What does a Pikachu look like, anyway? Or a Piplup? Or a Roserade?

    You need to tell us this stuff before you hop into the more ‘exciting’ parts of the story, with all that shiny dialogue and conflict and whatnot. We don’t know anything about the Pokémon characters or the big old storm (and not in a good way). They just pop out of thin air, like they were written by a little kid with a short attention span. Now, you may or may not fit that description, but you need to slow down and let us readers understand what’s happening.

    Thoughts on chapter one: Hyperactive, vague talking heads with no true substance. I will stop here because the story did not interest me.


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    Whoa Whoa Whoa!! Hold up! What the heck is going on?! How did Grovyle and Dusknoir get here?! And why is Grovyle talking like that?
    No offense! But you are going too fast! I don't know where they are, what they're doing, and or what Lady Berlin is (Nice name though).

    Needs some work. Don't rush yourself! Just calm down and let everything come to you.
    Grovyle is awesome. So is Celebi. 'Nuff said.



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    Hint Hint- All is revealed in this chapter.

    Chapter 3

    Rose screamed. A shape had all of a sudden arrived from each of both Dusknoir and Grovyle. It was Darkrai. But not one. Two Darkrai's. Weak pokemon were running from Spinda's cafe. But Rose, Will and Berlin stood their ground.

    "Long time no see, Rose and Will." A Darkrai spoke. The Darkrai then continued "And may I introduce my sister. Dusk is her name, and I don't think you know her."

    "Good to meet you. Well not really, but still." Dusk said. She continued "But I am familiar with Berlinettta here." The Kirlia shivered. She hated Dusk and Darkness, and she hated being called Berlinetta.

    "Not so nice to meet you, though Berlinet... (Berlin spoke Berlin) Berlin. I'm afraid, as you are the main thing in our way today, we must dispose of you now. Once the past is destroyed, the future will follow." Darkness evilly said. The Kirlia was trembling.

    "I knew this day would come. However your plan won't work!" Berlin yelled. But then, they was a crash of Bricks, from the back wall. Team Charm, Raiders, Cresselia, Guildmaster and Chatot came bursting in.

    "Darkness, you said this wouldn't happen." Dusk screamed as Gallade's Psycho Cut nearly stabbed her.

    "Good I made preparations, Dusk." 20 Mightyena's Leaped up, followed by a Bannette and 20 Shuppets. A battle had begun. There was a scream. Berlin had been hit by an attack. She lay, on the ground unconcious. Her sister ran over, but then she was hit. The Darkrai grabbed both Berlin and Guardess, and threw Guardess into her teamates, Spring (Lopunny) and Dawn (Medicham). Berlin was dragged into the portal, but Rose and Will jumped in after her. Spring and Dawn and Guardess leaped in aftewards, but then the portal closed. All the team saw next, was prison bars. It ws like Rose and Will's experience in the future, but at the same time it wasn't.

    "Where are we?!" Rose angrilly said.

    "The...The Past." Lady Berlin spoke.

    "But, you said only 3 Pokemon were allowed in the past." Rose asked.

    "You did, Berlin." Will added.

    "Oh yes, there is 5 of us here." You and You are allowed in, cause my sister has granted your entry." Berlin began. The two she meant were Spring and Dawn. Berlin continued "Guardess, is the second guardian. There is two, but I am more known, as I protect the past, and Guardess keeps the two times in balance. You and Will, Rose, you are two of the three who I have given permission to. The third, is dear Grovyle, the proper one, not Darkness and Dusk's hologram."

    "And where about's are we???" Rose scardily asked. The prison looking place looked unusually familiar.

    "I can answer this one for you, Rose. This is the old Criminal prison. This is where Wigglytuff's Guild is to be built in 10 years. But it is so unfortunate that we have landed in this closed cell." Guardess gracefully replied.

    "So how do we get out?" Will demanded.

    "That is with the help of Magnezone. He is only here once a day, seeing as they only have 3 criminals. They are OUTLAWS, and the world's worst. In about 3 mins, he will check, in all the cells, and seeing as he knows me and Guardess, we shall all be let out." Berlin answered.

    Time passed, and Magnezone let the group out.

    "Where next?" Spring asked.

    "World's End Tower. Before that 'accident' happenned, and anyone could go there." Berlin finished.

    The group continued on, but then World's End Tower was no-where to be seen...


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  7. #7
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    Good, good, better....
    World's End Tower? Love the name.
    Grovyle is awesome. So is Celebi. 'Nuff said.



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    Okay, everyone else pretty much said all the main things, I don't think I need to reiterate them. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by GlaceonLover1 View Post
    Young and Old alike pokemon were running from the area.
    You need to work on wording. Instead of "Young and Old alike pokemon", try "Pokemon, young and old alike.." Also, old doesn't need to be capitalized.

    However their was a scream.
    However should be used to show contrast between two ideas. It doesn't make sense here.

    A scream which was loud, and sounded like for real.
    Try to get into using more "intelligent" words. Instead of "like for real", use a word like "authentic".
    Open up thesaurus.com in another window. A thesaurus is a very helpful tool, one you should utilize often.

    "Yay! Your awake- finally!" Will spoke.
    You need to learn to differentiate between "your" and "you're". Many people find this HIGHLY annoying.

    "I was? So the storm wasn't real..." Rose confusedly asked.
    Confusedly is a word, but it isn't very attractive. Try not to use words like these.


    Try to use more visuals. I have no idea where this is, or what the mood should be. When you change settings (for instance, waking from a dream), it is important to show that the mood has changed. As I read this, it all felt very dark.

    Visualizing is, in my opinion, the hardest and most important part of writing. The writer already knows what he's supposed to see. The reader only has the information you've given, so it's hard to tell if you've conveyed enough information.


    Also, I've noticed that you haven't been responding to the criticism. When you don't reply, people feel that you're ignoring them, and will often times stop giving you critique. This leaves you with no way to improve.


    So I hope this helped. :P
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    Okay Jabbascript, I will start to use better words, and I will start to say things about people's comments.

    Jabbascript: I have taken in your advice, and I will try my best to improve my work.
    Dagger: *hugs* Thanks for your advice as well, and your kind comments.
    Giratina!: Taken in, I hope in future fic's I have got your intrest.
    Ysavvyrl: I wrote the second chapter without noticing your comments, and I hope that I have included more details. I changed the name from Empress to Emperor, but the name Empress will be included later on.

    Note: I will write the next chapter soon, but at the moment too busy with school.


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  10. #10
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    Finally it's here. Chapter 4

    "Lady?" Will cried out. The graceful pokemon was in a bad mood by the looks of things.

    "Where... is it?" Berlin cried out. Nobody else except Rose knew what she was on about.

    "The tower, where is it?" Will asked. But then, all of a sudden, two familiar black shapes appeared, and Will, Rose and Berlin were surrounded by Mightyena's, Duskull's, Banette's and Scizors. But one Scizor had the neck of Will, and looked determined to kill him.

    "Relax Blade." Darkness the Darkrai called out. The Scizor didn't let down his blade though.

    "Nice to see you guys again. Or not so nice for Will and Berlinetta here." Dusk spoke.

    What was it in her eyes that made her not look as frightening as any of the other pokemon? What was it that made her look possibly scared? Rose thought.

    "Let ME GO!" Will yelled, sparks flying from his cheeks.

    "Not yet little hopeless Pikachu." Dusk yelled. (Still scared look.)

    "We have to get something out of Rose first. Rose, where currently is World's End Tower." Darkness asked. Berlin gave her a look which read 'Tell em, then the world's in danger.

    "I have no idea." Rose politely replied.

    "Okay. Who guards the tower?" Darkness asked again. Berlin gave another look of 'Still No Telling!'

    "No idea." Rose replied again.

    "Tell us, or your friend here dies." Darkness again asked.

    "No!" Rose replied. She thought about the unfamiliar place she was in. She continued "Wait. This is a nightmare!" The image shattered. She was back in the present, with Berlin standing right next to her, the Darkrai's in front, and Scizor holding Will.

    "Nearly had you there.... But now, your friend dies!" Darkness yelled.

    "Excuse me brother, you promised that we wouldn't kill them." Dusk asked.

    "Since when do Darkrai's keep promises?!" Darkness yelled, and slashed at will. Scarlet blood seeped out. The three pokemon then disappeared, leaving Rose, Will and Berlin in the forest.

    "WILLLLLL!" Rose yelled, running over to the poor pokemon.

    "Will, this is all my fault." Berlin tearfully explained.

    "No Berlin. You were just protecting time. And Rose..." Will struggled to get the words out.

    "Yes?" Rose asked.

    "I.. I love you. Stay safe......" And the little yellow pokemon lay still.

    "Noooooo!" Rose cried. The Little Yellow Pokemon, was not breathing.

    "He...He's dead Berlin." Rose explained, and the piplup fainted on the ground.



    Hope you like it. I tried to make it dramatic at the end, and i hope it is!
    Last edited by GlaceonLover1; 27th February 2010 at 6:14 PM.


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  11. #11
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    Hmmm, still a little fast.

    "Where... is it?" Berlin cried out. Nobody else except Rose knew what she was on about, except Rose.
    ???
    Grovyle is awesome. So is Celebi. 'Nuff said.



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  12. #12
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    Corrected myself, Dagger!


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    This chapter took forever because I couldn't get myself motiveted. But here it is.


    Chapter 5

    All was heard, was a scream. A Buneary was running through a forest, her face full of fright, like she had no idea what was going on. She was scared, and kept on looking behind her whispering 'It...can't be.' She reached a lake, and threw a small red Jewel into the lake, repeating 'Mistress Lake, I need help now'. But then a small shape came out of the water. It was a Mesprit, but she had a blood red scar under her right eye. It gave her a less beautiful look, which she was not happy about, so it seemed.

    "What is it Bun?" The Mesprit asked.

    "D..D....Dark is my father." Bun started crying. What was it that made her shake with fear.

    "Finally. Both of them together." A familiar voice called out. The vision faded, but not before a loud scream was heard...

    And then Rose awoke. Sweating, and shaking. Bloodshot eyes and dark circles made the Piplup look unatractive. Berlin was looking at her.

    "What was it, Rose?" Berlin asked.

    "A Bun...Buneary called Bun was at a lake with 'Mistress Lake' who was a Mesprit. 'Bun' calling out, saying 'Dark' was her father. But then, the vision faded, and I heard a scream." Rose replied. The Kirlia looked concerned.

    "What was the Buneary's name?" Berlin asked.

    "Bun." Rose replied.

    "And who was with her?"

    "Mistress Lake."

    "And where were they?"

    "A lake where Mistress Lake ruled."

    "Oh no." Berlin cried out.

    "What?"

    "The 2nd Guardian of World's End Tower is in trouble."

    "Who?"

    "Bun-Year, who is the daughter of Spring (Team Charm), and Dark (Darkrai who tried to kill you.) Spring fell for Dark, but her team members disaproved, and tried to break them apart. Dark was trapped in the Future, away from Spring, before it was in a wreck. Dark actually changed the future into what it is now. Spring forgot all about him, and he wants to kill Spring's Team mates." Berlin explained.

    "So?" Rose replied.

    "What do you mean by So? If Dark's plan works, all Past and Future will be destroyed. And if that happens, WE DIE because the world's out of balance. That is what World's End Tower is about. That maintains time, same as Temporal Tower. But if both tower's are damaged, 5 Pokemon die. Aka- Will. Dark has attacked World's End, and Will died because of it." Berlin angrilly explained.

    "So what do we do?" Rose asked.

    "Defeat Blade and Moonlight (Scizor and Mighyena) who are his minions. But first, somebody needs our help...."


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