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Thread: Looking back

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
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    4

    Smile Looking back

    Well, here it is. my first story! i hope you like it! the first chapter is ash x may

    Its PG for the first bit, but later on it might turn into a 12. it depends on how romantic I want people to get lol!
    Last edited by Eevee_babe; 14th April 2010 at 3:23 PM.
    Yay! The egg hatched! Woo hoo!

    When will the next egg hatch?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
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    Looking back Chp. 1

    ~#*___*#~

    "Congrats, May!" the crowd yelled. May couldn't believe it. She and Ash were getting married. Ash leaned in to kiss her, and she closed her eyes and parted her lips slowly.... BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. Her cell rang. May woke with a start. It was all a dream. May grabbed the phone and frowned.

    ~#*___*#~

    "Hello?" May asked. "May!" said a heavy Sinnoh accent. "I've been looking for you all over! Where are you! The show starts in a few minuets!" May closed the cell and looked at the clock and shrieked. She was late. May pulled on the clothes she had bought and ran into the busy streets. She and her new best friend Constance were spending the week in Altomare. They were attending the water-racing event. May was half an hour late.

    ~#*___*#~

    May rushed into the riverside cafe where she was meeting Constance, and sat down beside her. "Late." Constance said, pointing to her pokewatch. She grinned as May sighed and covered her face with her hands. "Sorry Connie. I was dreaming about him again." May peered at Connie’s reaction, and her face showed smugness and surprise. "What, you mean the one who you went travelling with, Dash?" She said, and looked at May. "Ash. I really liked him. Like, in a more then friend way." May looked outside again. "Look, the race is about to start. I still haven't signed up. See ya." And May left.

    ~#*___*#~

    "Wow, you’re lucky! We only had one space left! What’s your full name, and which pokemon will you be using?" The nurse Joy asked May. She replied, " My name is May Birch, and the pokemon i will be using is squirtle." The nurse Joy nodded, and called to a man who showed May to the changing rooms. "You can get changed in here. If you didn’t bring a wetsuit, don’t worry; the spares are over there. When you’re done, go to that hut over there, and get a harness for your pokemon and a boat for you. See ya." and with a quick wave of his hand he walked off. May walked into the large changing hut, and got a spare wetsuit. As she stared to undress, she thought she heard a familiar laugh. "Wow, now I’m hearing thing." and she got into the wetsuit.

    ~#*___*#~

    "Come on, squirtle. Please put it on!" squirtle did not want to wear the harness. May looked at the poor squirtle, and promised him a whole box of pokemon treats if he was good. The squirtle still refused. "Please, squirtle. I really need you to do this." and in replied, squirtle used water gun at Mays head. She looked at the squirtle exasperated, and heard someone come in behind her. The person said, "Your doing it wrong her, let me do it." May turned to look at who had spoke, and gasped.

    ~#*___*#~

    "Miss me?" He said.
    Last edited by Eevee_babe; 14th April 2010 at 3:00 PM.
    Yay! The egg hatched! Woo hoo!

    When will the next egg hatch?

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Zeal - 12,000 BC CT RULES!!!!
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    317

    Smile

    Good story, so far. And you can delete the extra ones you posted,
    ya know? click on edit, click on go advanced, and at the top it will say
    delete message, or do not delete message.
    Anyhow, I don't even know what "Shipping" is,
    and I can tell this is going to be a good story,
    so I'm definitely going to read it.
    Username; Arcadia IL, U.S.A CST -6 GMT

    3DS FC; 3308-5191-3462

    Am Currently playing Pokémon X.
    Am Ghost type in friend Safari. Lampent, Phantump, and a Rare Spiritomb.
    One of my Fav types! Feel free to add or PM me!

    I have Officially Claimed Gengar!
    Because He Rules!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
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    4

    Default

    Thank you. Im writing the second part right now! I've had to put it on hold for a bit, but now im back! I went throught the first chapter and changed all the spelling mistakes, so if you wanna read it again, its been changed!
    Yay! The egg hatched! Woo hoo!

    When will the next egg hatch?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    4

    Default

    Looking back Chp. 2

    ~#*___*#~

    “W-w-w-wah! What are YOU doing HERE?” May demanded. “That’s not a very nice way to say hello. I’m upset now.” He replied, with mock hurt. “Excuse me! I just didn’t expect to see you here! Last time I heard, Ash Ketchum, you were in pallet town sulking about your little sister Dakota being a better trainer then you!” May looked at Ash and saw him wince at the name of his little sister, who was now at the age of 9 the new elite four champion. “Anyway, I thought you couldn’t start being a trainer till you were 10. How come she has pok'emon and she’s only 9?” Ash shrugged his shoulders. A voice came over the speakers. “Can all enterers please come to the starting line, the race will start in about 3 mins.2 May and Ash looked at each other, and Ash quickly slipped a harness on squirtle and then another one on his pokemon Wailord, and then they both made their way to the starting line.

    ~#*___*#~

    “ 3, 2, 1, GO!!!” Yelled the starting man. May let out a little shriek of excitement as squirtle rushed forward. Ash was a few inches behind her, and he was laughing. The sun was almost unbearably hot, but the cool spray of the crystal blue water made it relaxing. May turned the first corner, and stumbled. She almost fell, but miraculously regained balance. Ash was laughing even harder. They turned the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and then the 5th corner, but hen something happened. Suddenly, Squirtle went backwards, right into May. May jumped back, slipped, fell, and slid down Wailord, and ended up being in Ashes arms. “Careful. You wouldn’t wanna fall.” He said. And let go of May. May fell into the water, and swam out and went back to the changing rooms. On the way out, she found Ash’s clothes, and took his hat, and left a note. It said, “I have your hat. Find me in the Riverside Café I will wait for you.”

    ~#*___*#~

    Back at the café, May and Connie were talking. “ So you slipped?” Connie said. May nodded. “And then you fell, and ended up being helped up by Ash?” May nodded again. “And then he let you fall, so you stole his hat and left a ransom note? May looked at her, and said “Not a ransom note. A note telling him to meet me here.”
    “ So, do you think he will come?” Connie looked doubtful. “Well, I’ll put it this way. He never leaves without his hat. EVER. So yeah, he will come.” And the two girls giggle and then fell about laughing. But none of them noticed a shadowy figure in the distance. She was wearing a green shirt, a black skirt, black socks, and green and white sneakers. She smiled, and slipped into the shadows.
    Yay! The egg hatched! Woo hoo!

    When will the next egg hatch?

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Zeal - 12,000 BC CT RULES!!!!
    Posts
    317

    Smile

    I re-read the first part, and read this one, too. Good story, so far.
    I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. *Shrugs*
    Username; Arcadia IL, U.S.A CST -6 GMT

    3DS FC; 3308-5191-3462

    Am Currently playing Pokémon X.
    Am Ghost type in friend Safari. Lampent, Phantump, and a Rare Spiritomb.
    One of my Fav types! Feel free to add or PM me!

    I have Officially Claimed Gengar!
    Because He Rules!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Great Britain! FTW!
    Posts
    79

    Wink

    You have a unique idea for this fic by having it set in Altomare, has lots of potential to have Latias cause mischief as she can turn invisible.

    I will say that your chapters lack basic discription of the main characters and enviroment, yes we know what May looks like but as a story you shouldn't exclude vital visual description that allows the reader to visualise the scene. Even the Pokemon need to be described, this will help you to build up your chapters so that they are not too short.

    Just one other thing I don't think it is a good idea to have Ash use a Wailord in the Water Pokemon race as they are a similar size to the ship in the 9th movie and won't be able to fit down the tight cannals in Altomare, i.e. it would get stuck.

    I don't see any major spelling errors which shows that you have at lest checked through what you have written before posting it.

    Just another bit of advice spilt up the dialogue so that only on character is speeking in a paragraph, e.g.

    “W-w-w-wah! What are YOU doing HERE?” May demanded.

    “That’s not a very nice way to say hello. I’m upset now.” He replied, with mock hurt.

    “Excuse me! I just didn’t expect to see you here! Last time I heard, Ash Ketchum, you were in pallet town sulking about your little sister Dakota being a better trainer then you!” May looked at Ash and saw him wince at the name of his little sister, who was now at the age of 9 the new elite four champion.

    “Anyway, I thought you couldn’t start being a trainer till you were 10. How come she has pok'emon and she’s only 9?” Ash shrugged his shoulders.

    A voice came over the speakers. “Can all enterers please come to the starting line, the race will start in about 3 mins."

    May and Ash looked at each other, and Ash quickly slipped a harness on squirtle and then another one on his pokemon Wailord, and then they both made their way to the starting line.
    One last good thing is that you have as far as I can tell kept Ash and May in character and didn't just take their looks and ignore their personalities.

    I hope that this will help you improve your writing.

    See Ya!

    Chaos Out!
    Advanceshipping: Together, 4Ever, Always
    <--------------Original image Suzu, Drawn by Me.
    Favorite Advanceshipping Oneshot by Damon Howe When Earth Meets Ocean
    Fanfiction Page
    Advanceshipping Quote:
    “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.” - Francois de la Rouchefoucauld

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Zeal - 12,000 BC CT RULES!!!!
    Posts
    317

    Smile

    It's good to have critism like that.
    Don't give up on it now!
    Username; Arcadia IL, U.S.A CST -6 GMT

    3DS FC; 3308-5191-3462

    Am Currently playing Pokémon X.
    Am Ghost type in friend Safari. Lampent, Phantump, and a Rare Spiritomb.
    One of my Fav types! Feel free to add or PM me!

    I have Officially Claimed Gengar!
    Because He Rules!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Laputa
    Posts
    31

    Default

    Hello again, I am so sorry I forgot about writing! I have a new account now, hence the new nickname, and I will now be putting loads of enthusiasm into this story! and thanks for the crit., I appreciate it I will try and get a link up to the new story soon.


    *edit* Here is the link for the new version!

    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...1#post12092824
    Last edited by ~xSerenityx~; 13th March 2011 at 11:13 PM.

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