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Thread: pokemon heart of gold(pg-13)

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon heart of gold(pg-13)

    1

    johto, land of legends, old and new, and place for a adventure,all starts,in the town of new bark town ,aka,silent hills,peaceful surrounded by mountains to the north an the west,sea to the south and east,with cabin like wooden houses, wind turbines, and hills silent as silence it self.Ethan, sleeping says"zzz...leave me alone...wake me up when freaking september ends..." then Kris says"Ethan wake up your gonna miss your birthday,damn,Ethan you wake up or you gonna use your *** as hat!!!"then Ethan replies"ok,ok, its that even physically possible?" Kris said then"get ready,you *******,also the professor wants to give you something" Ethan,with his brow hair messy as his room,said "the professor,professor elm!!" then Kris said,with a sarcastic accent,says "i didn't know there is another professor in town,of course you moron, prof.elm."


    That afternoon at prof.elm's lab,prof.elm says"i see Ethan,you made it,i'm please" Ethan asks him "what is this all about ?" prof.elm tells him"you see i need 2 things" Ethan asks him"what are them ?" prof.elm tells him "well yesterday,some one broke in and stole totodile,i need you to find him and bring him to justice,oh yeah also pick up a parcel at mr.pokemon's house,but i don't have any starters to give you" Ethan angry says"...****..." prof.elm asks him"do you mind having a pichu?" Ethan answers "no" prof.elm then says "then here" Ethan,with a weird face,says"a pichu???" prof.elm answers"i thought you didn't mind" Ethan then said"yes but, a pichu?,i mean even a magikarp could beat it!" ,pichu seeing Ethan with a angry face, prof.elm then says"that is technically impossible" then Ethan says "i mean..." at that pichu zaps him, then Ethan screams"pichu, why the hell you did that!" prof.elm then tells him"i think is angry with you Ethan..." Ethan, with fire coming out of his eyes, says "i didn't ask you!!!" prof.elm replies " i was just saying..." then Ethan says"sorry prof.elm,anyways how i could make him happy with me?" prof.elm tells him"easy,gaining his trust." Ethan,again with fire coming out of his eyes,says" then,HOW THE HELL DO I EARN HIS TRUST!!!!" prof.elm then says "i don't know" Ethan,again with fire coming out of his eyes,says"HOW THE HELL YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!" prof.elm,with a sarcastic voice,says"oh gosh,do you have the burning flaming eyes,like,'a wild togepi appeared, go Ethan ,use flaming burning eyes, it was one hit k.o., togepi fainted,..." Ethan,again with fire coming out of his eyes,says"IT IS NOT FUNNY!!!" then prof.elm says "ok,anyways here..." Ethan says"what is this crap...some kind of new pokegear, because i already have one." prof.elm tells him"it is actually a pokedex" Ethan replies "poke-what?" prof.elm tells him,with a angry face," it's a pokemon digital encyclopedia, it has data of pokemon you capture,how many have you capture and data about every item you get during your adventure, also it helps pokemon professors during their research,this one has pre-loaded data of the starter pokemon and there evolutions,now,GET THE F@#$ OUT OF MY LAB, YOU BIG MORON!!!!!" Ethan,scared,says"ok,bye,see ya!",as he runs out of the lab, prof.elm,relaxed,says"at least he's gone" Kris then asks"you think he's gonna make it?" prof.elm answers"i seriously doubt..." Kris tells him"me to,professor,me to..."


    few hours later,in route 29, Ethan says to pichu"pichu,sorry by what i said over the lab..." pichu,with a serious look says,"pi pi,chu",translated to human," i wish i could kill you, moron", Ethan says then"me to,pichu,even i didn't understand what you said..." pichu,translated to human,"moron", as they were walking they notice a female silhouette ,they get closer and Ethan ask her her name, she says"my name is lyra of goldenrod city and yours?" Ethan says"my name is Ethan from new bark town,nice to met you" the a togepi jumps of her arms and say,translated into human,"hi, i'm togepi",then Lyra asks"may i follow you?" Ethan,with the weirdest face ever,answers"what the hell is wrong with you,you don't go around asking people if you could follow them,pepole don't do that!" Lyra starts crying and runs away,Ethan follows her into a beach in cherrygrove city when Ethan arrive and tries to cheer her up and says "if you want,you could follow me all around the region,but stop crying,ok" Lyra the asks"serious" Ethan answers "yes,serious",Lyra start to follow Ethan and he thinks "oh gosh,thanks to me and my freaking mouth now my companion is a wierd red headed girl,now i know how shinji ikari feels like..."

    to be continued...
    Last edited by zeromega; 17th August 2010 at 4:46 AM. Reason: gramar

  2. #2
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    Well, it's ok, but you should probably press enter twice after each paragraph, or if someone's speaking.

    Example:
    That afternoon at prof.elm's lab,prof.elm"i see Ethan,you made it,i'm please" Ethan"what is this all about ?" prof.elm"you see i need 2 things" Ethan"what are them ?" prof.elm"well yesterday,some one broke in and stole totodile
    It reads sort of like a play, which you don't really want in fanfiction. At least write "Ethan said" instead of writing his name right in front of what he says. Make sure to run your stuff through a spell checker and use more description as well. What does New Bark town look like, what color is Ethan's hair? Etc.

    What I did like is your characterization and sense of humor. Ethan's anger problems are funny

    So uh, don't give up. This is a so-so start, and I would definitely say it has potential. If you keep writing I'll keep reading.

    Making a poll was a good idea, too!
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  3. #3
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    2nd chapter preview,the boy(Ethan)meets the rival and the philosopher,and a young dreamer...

  4. #4
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    well gastlyman new bark town,aka silent hills,is a peaceful town like the new bark town you would find in the johto games(g,s,c,hg,ss),Ethan is similar to the character gold from both johto games and syaoran li from tsubasa and edward from fullmetall alchemist anger issues,and tanks for the comment,have a very wonderful day

  5. #5

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    This place needs a devil's advocate lately. Nobody seems to realize how lockable these threads are... maybe I'm just oldskool...

    Anyways, Big Lipped Alligator rant aside, this is bad! Just bad! Usually I can tell a story will be bad when the very first letter of the thread title isn't capitalized because it means it was rushed and the author likely didn't care... why too should the reader?

    I can't even follow it. You must read the rules of the board, ASAP! New paragraph when switching to a new speaker is a must, capitalizing the first letter of every proper noun and sentence starter is also paramount.

    I won't judge the story itself until I can read it well.

    By the by, your preview is also rushed and finally don't double post unless you're like days apart or something.

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  6. #6
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    go **** you dilasc

  7. #7
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    ok guys what you want me to put into my story?

  8. #8
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    For the sake of all of us, please, use proper grammar. Spellcheck. Capitalize your sentances. I-, no, nobody can read your story if it isn't properly formatted.

  9. #9
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    Another thing about your story, is that it seems far to generic. I tried to read it, and for the parts I could actually understand, I was bored senseless. You need to use proper grammar, and capitalize your sentences.

    It is also terribly formatted. You need to split up your massive paragraphs. For the most part, every time a character says something, that is a new paragraph. You need new paragraphs for every new idea.

    And seriously, telling a reviewer to go **** themselves is not a good idea, and terribly immature. Dilasic was only trying to help you. He said nothing wrong, this story is bad. If you post work on here, and it isn't very good, you aren't going to get people coming in here telling you it is good.

    Try putting some real work in to this. Don't rush it. Try posting something that is readable, and I will come back and hopefully give you a much more positive review.
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  10. #10
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    sorry Dilasc,thanks Charoshi,and i will introduce the main villain and plot and also a better grammar, for the next chapter Silver Vi Viridian(yes silver the rival),Vincent(from the legend of the thunder!)and the rebirth of team rocket

  11. #11
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    I'm sorry, but this is completely unreadable...

    Like everyone else has said, you need to use proper grammar; spelling, capitalization, punctuation, etc.

    And, just a note to help, I'm pretty sure the rules of this section state somewhere you aren't allowed to post previews for your next chapter, you're either supposed to wait until the whole thing's done, or reply to what people have said about your story. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's in there somewhere...
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  12. #12
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    I think the major problem is that you don't create a new paragraph when you use dialogue, i think that's what makes it unreadable.
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  13. #13
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    ... O_O ...

    Ok, I'm not trying to be rude, but that was unreadable. You didn't capitalize half the words you should have, there is little or no description, no new lines during dialogue, and your grammar is an all around atrocity.

    Aside from grammar the story itself makes no sense (the parts that I could read didn't at least), tidy it up a bit, at least make new lines when someone speaks.

  14. #14
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    Default Pokemon heart of gold(pg-13)

    2

    Back to Cherrygrove city,were the flowers and the cherry blossoms bloom all year long and the sea is always blue.Ethan said then"Well Lyra,do you know were Mr.Pokemon lives?" Lyra,with a cute face,says"I don't know!" smiling at Ethan,then Ethan,with fire coming out of his eyes, says"HOW THE HELL YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!" Lyra"I tough you knew" with her red-ish hair moving,pichu ,then said,"Pichuuu....",translated to human," This gonna be a long day..."

    Later that day,they notice a house, and they run towards it, but when they enter there is a boy with a black jacket with a red "R",blue old jeans,and a hair red as blood,then Lyra notice 2 old guys tie up,and she says,"Ethan,i think those 2 old guys are Mr.Pokemon and,if not wrong, the other one is Professor Samuel Oak" Then,Prof.Oak says"you're not wrong young lady..." Ethan then said "anyways who the heck are you?" asking the red-haired boy his name,and he answers"My name is Silver Vi Virdian and i challenge you to a battle".

    The battle begins, Silver says "go,gator" Lyra"a totodile!" Ethan then said"go,pichu" Silver" A weak little pichu,huh,gator,crunch him" Ethan said then"Doge!" but quickly Silver said"HYDRO CANNON!!!" Ethan the replied"what the f---..." Prof.Oak"so the one who stole Prof.elm totodile, his research about baby Pokemons, and if i'm not wrong, that R in your jacket is team rocket's R" then Ethan said"team rocket's R" Lyra"I heard they beat a pokemon to death with it's own skull..." Ethan"Is that physically possible?" Lyra"And they said also those we're it's last words..." Silver said in response"Stop talking and let's continue battling,gator,crunch again!",it was super effective, Ethan then said"DON'T GIVE UP,PICHU1!!!!",Pichu uses volt tackle,critical hit, Ethan won, Silver ,getting away,said"This not the last you seen of me!"

    The next day at next day at new bark town, Ethan arrives and says"Hi, prof.elm,what's up?" prof.elm "well,he made it,anyways were is the package?"Ethan answers"well... you remember the guy guy who stole totodile" prof.elm"yes,what about him?" Ethan tells him"well...his name is Silver Vi Viridian and he stole the package..." prof.elm screams"SON OF A BI---!!!!"

    TO BE CONTINUE...

  15. #15
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    I is done i would not continue this project

  16. #16
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    Very seldom do I feel the need to comment on a fan-fic, but I feel I must. I am going to be blunt: This is horrible. BUT, it can be salvaged. Aside from the obvious things, such as the lack of capitalization and paragraphs when someone speaks, it also lacks details. I had the same problem when I first started writing. Take your first sentence for example. Why write a run-on sentence like this:

    "johto, land of legends, old and new, and place for a adventure,all starts,in the town of new bark town ,aka,silent hills,peaceful surrounded by mountains to the north an the west,sea to the south and east,with cabin like wooden houses, wind turbines, and hills silent as silence it self."

    When it could be like this(and don't just copy and paste my version because that is plagiarism):

    "Johto, a land filled with legends both old and new, was a place of adventure. Many, though not all, of those began in the quiet little town of New Bark. This town, also known as Silent Hills, was home to rows of almost cabin-like houses powered by windmills that offered a seemingly peaceful air to the streets. To the North and West sat a small range of mountains, whose peaks reflected upon the seas in the South and East."

    Now, I have a few tips for you. First, read the Advice for Aspiring Authors sticky. It is basically a must read for all writers on these forums. I also found a very helpful post by Llama Guy for writers of trainer fics, which this is one of. It has really made me rethink my writing.

    While you have been getting bad criticism so far, please don't give up! You'll get bad criticism no matter what, but that is a good thing. It points out what you need to improve on. Oh, and don't ask people what you should put in your story; keep them guessing. Many writers build up to something and the readers think they know what it is, and then they reveal it to be something different, blowing the readers away.

    One last piece of advice, plan ahead, but not too far. If you plan too far ahead, and don't focus on what happens next, your writing will suffer. Eventually, you become to worried about the end, that your fic will end up dying on you.

    I look forward to how you use what I have said, and how your writing improves.



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  17. #17
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    Thanks entie

  18. #18
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    Yeeeah textblock with a few paragraphs doesn't really cut it. Plus those "chapters" do not fit the length requirement requested in the Fanfiction Rules either. But then you say you're giving up anyway so suppose closure for breaking forum rules in the end may be eaiser for you.

    Please if before posting future works, read the Fanfiction Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors please. To be perfectly honest, while not a huge text block, such a block of words can be painful on the eye.

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