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Thread: Pokemon; Chaos Inferno (Rated PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon; Chaos Inferno (Rated PG-13)

    Pokemon Chaos Inferno
    Prologue - Interdimensional

    "A furthered malicious presence has pervaded this realm, seeking nothing but to control power wrongly. I feel this, as benevolance fades from their partners, only to be replaced with a writhing, burning hatred that has made them monsters. Only once before have I felt this, but now, the numbers of this force are increasing, and by the day, another joins them. They grow more and more powerful as time passes, developing newer abilities, and all the while, their hearts sink further away from ressurection. I can do nothing, as can none in this realm. I sense, an aptitude from many others in seperate realms, many indeed, but which one? Very few show a wish for this to be their reality, but of those few, I have only the time to select one. I have found him, a will as strong as the fabric of existance, he would not falter it seems, and his wish for this to be his reality burns so fervently I could not deny his admittance. I select this youth as the hero for us, as he shows no sign of relenting his passion. Pass, thine barriers and allow yourself to adjust, I shall have you sent to a a year-and-a-half prior to these events, so you may have time to adapt and add to your power before you enter the fray. I cannot protect you when you enter, and neither may any of us, as we are doomed to join the ranks of darkness. A shackle has been formed that not even I can destroy, as mine descendants have been the victims of its formation. I shall leave it to you youth, help save me, my bretheren, and all existance from evil alteration. Exist now, in the dimension of my dominion."

    ~July 16th, 2688 3:06 AM, Top of Cycling Road hill~

    "I saw something over here, something like a rainbow," said a young girl who was dragging her father by the hand.

    The father groaned slightly, "Honey, it's late, you need to get to sleep, do you really have to go on a wild goose chase so late?"

    The girl turned to face her father, placing her hands on her hips. The girl looked to be no more than five or six years of age, with light brown hair and dark brown eyes, forming a strange dark contrast. "But daddy, I saw these lights, and I want to know what they are."

    The father wanted to sleep, but was too curious about his daughter's mystery lights to do so. He let out a sigh, "All right Kayla, we can go and see what's up, but then it's straight to bed, okay?"

    "Okay," Kayla agreed, nodding her head a bit. She then reached back for her dad's hand, and continued bringing him in the direction of what she had seen.

    ~July 16th, 2688 2:59 AM, New Cinnibar, Lab~

    "Mark, get the director, he needs to see these readings," said a short man in a grey jacket.

    "That's what I was going to do Jared," said another man, he being much taller than the other. He was already on his feet, and moving towards the only door in the room. Reaching outward, he gripped the door handle and pulled it downward, opening it. Exiting the room, the second man, Mark, did not return for another minute or so, but when he did, a third man was following him. The third man being the director, and he was a bit shorter than Mark, but still a bit taller than than the first man, Jared. When the director entered, the room was black as pitch, save for the many lit computer moniters and electronic gauges that lined the walls. He walked over to the one that Jared sat in front of. Jared scooted out of his way as he approached.

    The director pulled down his glasses to try and see with his own eyes, but pushed them back up, realizing what it was. "This energy spike is massive! What could have caused such a powerful reading?" The screen he looked at had three neon colored lines spanning its width, one red, another blue, and the last green. The device was used to measure atomic and planetary energy, and right now, the three lines were all raised off the charts.

    "That why we got you to look at it, we assumed you would know,"

    "Well, not for sure, but the power behind that reading is enough to out blast three hundred atomic explosions. The only assumption I can make is that a legendary pokemon was involved, which one, I'm a bit fuzzy on. But maybe Palkia from sinnoh, it has the ability to control space itself. I don't really know, but you two keep an eye out for any other spikes, all right?

    "That's why we're here sir," Mark replied.

    "Good to hear, now you two have a good night, I have to get home," the director informed. He then turned and left the room, closing the door behind him. Mark moved to return to his original seat, when he was struck on the back of the head by Jared's upward moving palm.

    "Ow, what?" Mark asked, gripping the area Jared's palm struck.

    "'That's why we're here sir.' You're such a kiss ***," Jared remarked.

    "Wow, sorry I'm so respectful," Mark replied sarcastically.

    ~July 16th, 2688 10:43 AM, Saffron City News, report from Celadon City~

    A high pitched buzzing sound is heard as a holoscreen flashes on.

    "Well Sestina, last night two scientists from New Cinnibar detected a powerful energy spike at around three A.M. It was said to have emanated from the top of the Cycling road hill, and was strong enough to overpower even three hundred atomic explosions. But as I'm sure you're aware, nothing exploded," said a woman dressed in a white tee-shirt and dark red sunglasses. "But what surprised a father and her daughter who went to investigate something they saw, was that they ended up finding five people lying on the ground, all being in their pajamas and fast asleep." The tall woman with jet black hair stood near the Celadon fountain, a microphone in her hand, and a transparent earpiece where it should be.

    "I understand the father was interviewed, with his daughter present on scene?" Another woman could be heard in the background.

    "They are being interviewed as we speak, as well as the five found on the cycling road. I'll link up to those cameras and play the feed so far," the dark haired woman said. On her wrist was what appeared to be a watch, she tapped her fingers to it, and after touching it no less than three times, a new scene was set. A father and daughter stood side by side in front of the Celadon department store, with people walking in and out, seemingly oblivious to the camera. The father spoke first.

    "Well, my daughter--"

    "That's me!" the little girl interrupted.

    "--Woke me up, telling me that she 'saw something like a rainbow,'" the father continued and finished.

    "It was really pretty, I was hoping I'd find some gold! You know, like how leprechauns leave it there?" The girl said cutely. Her father smiled and rolled his eyes, midly amused by his daughter's antics.

    "Well, there sure wasn't any gold. But there were these five people sleeping on the road. I woke up one of the kids, the oldest one, and he woke up everybody else. What's weirder, there were these two Houndoom asleep too, and they just started barking at us. All of them jumped, but after a while, the oldest kid said two names, I think he said 'Odin' to one, and 'Cerce' to the other. That got those two quiet. I offered them a place to stay for the night, the oldest one, I assume was the other four's dad, agreed to stay. And you can guess those Houndoom came along."

    "Houndoom you say? But they all claim that they came from elsewhere. Somewhere where pokemon are fake. So if they truly are from elsewhere, how did they have two pokemon with them?" The reporter behind the camera asked.

    "If only I knew. You'll have to ask them, and I don't think they even know," the father replied. "But they really seem like they're from somewhere else, they don't even have civilian defensive shielding."

    "They don't? How strange."

    The holoscreen disappears, as the man watching it had turned it off. He makes an insignificant grunting noise, "Strange indeed..."

    ~UNKNOWN LOCATION~

    "Yes sir, the data from New Cinnibar has been retrieved. The energy reading are as phenomenal as the reporter claimed," A man dressed in all black held a finger to his ear. He was standing on the bow of a large cargo ship with one other person, a skinny red-headed woman with long curling hair, she was not dressed in all black though, but rather a thin silvery outfit and a long red scarf. The man lowered his head in a nod, "Understood sir. We will be at the rendevouz point in less than five minutes." He tapped his finger to his ear, then lowered his hand from it.

    The red-headed woman turned to him, "So, Dylan, what's the deal?"

    He glanced over at her, then returned his sights to the sea, "We're to take this disc to Ein, and they'll take it from there."

    "Anything else?"

    "No Agent Volca, that is all we are to do. I wish you could tell me what they wanted the disc for."

    "Classified information, so classified, I don't even know."

    "No wonder you wouldn't say anything."

    The day was turning to dusk, and as light began to fade and darkness to take over, a rising sense of dread pervaded the area. Pokemon and human alike, the feeling was spreading, farther, faster. The ship began to disappear into the distance, but its shadow lingered on the surface of the sea. In the center of the shadow, a single red spot appeared, which the rest of the shadow began to swirl around, and up out of the water rose a jet black, human-like figure. The figure then began to glide acoss the water's surface, tailing the ship that had left it behind...

    ---

    Yeah, there's nothing really PG-13 about the prologue, but trust me, later chapters will have reason for the rating. So as a quick statement, here's my reasoning for putting the rating on it. It's kinda' the usual stuff you'd see in a PG-13 movie.

    -Violence
    -Mild Gore
    -Language
    -Sexual References
    -Crude Humor

    Anyways, I hope you enjoy the prologue. I'll leave it to you to guess who's speaking at the beginning, who the two people on the ship are, and what it is that appears at the end.

    I will be very happy to have a review on this, as I've lately been trying to refine my writing technique.

    Xzayvior, Out.
    In light there is darkness, as likewise there is darkness in the light. What you believe is what you'll recieve.

  2. #2

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    "A furthered malicious presence has pervaded this realm, seeking nothing but to control power wrongly. I feel this, as benevolance fades from their partners, only to be replaced with a writhing, burning hatred that has made them monsters. Only once before have I felt this, but now, the numbers of this force are increasing, and by the day, another joins them. They grow more and more powerful as time passes, developing newer abilities, and all the while, their hearts sink further away from ressurection. I can do nothing, as can none in this realm. I sense, an aptitude from many others in seperate realms, many indeed, but which one? Very few show a wish for this to be their reality, but of those few, I have only the time to select one. I have found him, a will as strong as the fabric of existance, he would not falter it seems, and his wish for this to be his reality burns so fervently I could not deny his admittance. I select this youth as the hero for us, as he shows no sign of relenting his passion. Pass, thine barriers and allow yourself to adjust, I shall have you sent to a a year-and-a-half prior to these events, so you may have time to adapt and add to your power before you enter the fray. I cannot protect you when you enter, and neither may any of us, as we are doomed to join the ranks of darkness. A shackle has been formed that not even I can destroy, as mine descendants have been the victims of its formation. I shall leave it to you youth, help save me, my bretheren, and all existance from evil alteration. Exist now, in the dimension of my dominion."
    If he has the power to send this "hero" back in time, couldn't he just send himself back in time, sinc ehe is mor eprepared, or better yet, the cause of this evil back in time to before the creator could conceive the idea and kill the creator in the crib?

    ~July 16th, 2688 3:06 AM, Top of Cycling Road hill~
    Really? The father, entirely agains this better judgment, not only let his daughter stay up at 3:00 AM, but also let her leave and followed her to where she claimed she saw lights? How irresponsible.

    "That's what I was going to do Jared," said another man, he being much taller than the other. He was already on his feet, and moving towards the only door in the room. Reaching outward, he gripped the door handle and pulled it downward, opening it. Exiting the room, the second man, Mark, did not return for another minute or so, but when he did, a third man was following him. The third man being the director, and he was a bit shorter than Mark, but still a bit taller than than the first man, Jared. When the director entered, the room was black as pitch, save for the many lit computer moniters and electronic gauges that lined the walls. He walked over to the one that Jared sat in front of. Jared scooted out of his way as he approached.
    This is a very muddled paragraph.The deatils about their heights are erronuos and only serve to confuse the reader even further.

    To be painfully blunt, the tl;dr version of this fic is basically "lights brought people to a new dimension, cliff hanger, cliff hanger, cliff hanger.

    Like mentioned before, most of the story is extremely stretched to fit the impossibly idiotic choices in logic. The cameraderie between characters also seems hollow and rushed, almost like you're using solely to put in a quick joke to check of humor on your laundry list.

    Speaking of which, ALL of your description is basically laundry lists and "be verbs" telling everything. Telling. Not showing. That and you highlight uneeded details, like the heights of charcters. The scientists you created were solely defined by their heights. What else? Their clothes? Their approval or dissaproval with their work? Their view of their experiment? Anything?

    The charcters are nothing more than flat descriptions. We know nothing about any of these people as individuals, thus no one really cares what happens to these characters. The reader is not engaged because their is nothing to connect with. Because the reader id not engaged, all the cliff hangers you set up without explanations in this prolouge don't really resonate.

    Overall, the story seems rushed, unloved, and without focus. The dialouge is cliche or hollow and the story seems pretty bland.

    But that's just my 2 cents.

  3. #3
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    that's just my 2 cents.
    And your two cents is a bit too far onto the harsh side. :/ Your wording, to be honest, is quite offensive. But I guess when I asked for critique, it's not like I could get a chance to choose who would do it and how it would be done.

    I'm not gonna' rant on it though. I'll simply say I will upload a newer version with more SNT, better character description, and more realistic dialogue. But if I fully explained the opening scene, it would ruin a huge portion of the story, he's too late to save himself. But just so you know, only the last three characters are going to make any other appearances in the story. (The two on the ship, and the one that tails them.)

    I will go back and make the revisions, but just so you know, all you really did was batter me with statements that resemble "U DINT DO TIHS RITE!" You gave me nor true advice on how I could change it, aside from that first comment on my intro, and those last two paragraphs.

    Seriously dude, sit back and smell the freaking roses.
    In light there is darkness, as likewise there is darkness in the light. What you believe is what you'll recieve.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Xzayvior View Post
    I will go back and make the revisions, but just so you know, all you really did was batter me with statements that resemble "U DINT DO TIHS RITE!" You gave me nor true advice on how I could change it, aside from that first comment on my intro, and those last two paragraphs.
    Lol.

    Inorite? I gave you no advice other than the advice I gave and how you should basically fix everything I mentioned?

    Or did you want me to outline every step to fix everything that needed fixing? That's a feat to be left up to the author, and if you can not take an honest critique, don't upload any creative media.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by .Bright Side. View Post
    Lol.

    Inorite? I gave you no advice other than the advice I gave and how you should basically fix everything I mentioned?

    Or did you want me to outline every step to fix everything that needed fixing? That's a feat to be left up to the author, and if you can not take an honest critique, don't upload any creative media.
    Okay, maybe I was a bit flustered when I posted my other comment. I kinda started to realize that over the course of my day, which you so promptly ruined. I'm not asking you to outline all my faults in painful detail, but I'm just asking for a bit less, to say it nicely, rudeness inside of your attempt to help.

    Look, I've had many other critiques in the past, but not once has anyone said,
    stretched to fit the impossibly idiotic choices in logic
    , now that's just being a grade a ***hole right there. I reread it again after you gave your "critique," and found all the aspects in need of changing as you pointed out. I will go back and edit them.
    In light there is darkness, as likewise there is darkness in the light. What you believe is what you'll recieve.

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