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Thread: Wolfpack - Forbidden Love

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
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    Default Wolfpack - Forbidden Love


    ^Credit to leilkun^
    Ok, this is my first attempt of a fanfic, so be nice peoples :3. Contains minor violence (Blood, that's all) and a little swearing


    Prologue - The Rivalry


    The rivalry started three years ago, while there was a huge famishment throughout the Pokemon World. The Luxray Tribe, dwelling in the shady Amp Plains, had absolutely no food. The young Shinx and Luxio were growing weak and starving, close to death. The tribe leader, also known as the Elder, was getting worried, afraid that the tribe would be wiped out.

    He ordered the three best hunters of the tribe to make one last search. Although they were just as weak and hungry, they had to follow orders.
    The three Luxray weakly walked to the open fields, with no luck. There was only silence, along with a warm breeze blowing steadily at the grass. Whoosh Whoosh Whoosh.

    However, they thought they saw something in the distance. “Are we getting heatstroke?” said one of the Luxray, collapsing onto the grass, “because I think I see something over there”

    “Huh…I see it too” said another, “What is it? It looks huge.”

    “No way…it’s a Tauros!” the third Luxray yelled, licking his lips. “C’mon!”

    The Luxray struggled hard to get back to their feet, but ended up dashing towards the lone, grazing Tauros. However, they were intercepted by another tribe - the Mightyena tribe, from darkness-filled Dark Plains*.

    “Back off! We saw this Tauros first!” growled the first Mightyena.

    “No way! We did!” one of the Luxray yelled.

    The Mightyena growled, ready to pounce on one the Luxray, who was clearly asking for a challenge, but the Luxray was already charging power. Sparks were flying off his body and then he unleashed a huge thunderbolt at the Mightyena. The Mightyena shrieked in pain, but was not down yet.

    “Gah…so…you wanna fight…do ‘ya?” The Mightyena growled, trembling, he then pounced onto the Luxray, and sunk his teeth into his shoulder. The Luxray screamed, and tried to shake the Mightyena off. However, Mightyena still clung on, but then eventually was shaken off. His mouth was full of blood.

    The other two Luxray and Mightyena back away slowly, frightened. They did want anything to do with this fight.

    The Tauros, still grazing, didn’t even notice the battle that was happening 20 feet away from him.

    Damn, that hurt…” Luxray said, staring at his large wound.

    “We should go, before the fight gets worse” the other Luxray exclaimed. Still backing away, ready to dash back to Amp**.

    “No! These freaking Mightyena are getting on…my…nerves!!”

    The Luxray roared, and then its teeth started to give off sparks. Luxray dashed to the Mightyena and bit him, hard, and giving him a good zap. Mightyena shrieked, then collapsed, fainted, with it’s fur drenched in blood.

    “Oh jeez, let’s get out of here!” yelled the second Mightyena

    Then the third one agreed, but then growled, “You win this round, you stupid Luxray. You guys keep this up, then I guess we will be rivals for now on. But heed my words, you don‘t stand a chance against us.” Mightyena sneered at the three Luxray, and then took off, dragging the fainted Mightyena with them.
    * * * *

    The Luxray returned, successful, with the dead Tauros in their jaws. However, it wasn‘t enough to feed the whole tribe, they had to hunt again afterwards. The Luxray who was in the fatal battle with Mightyena, weakly limped behind his companions, then collapsed the moment they entered the Luxray territory. He never got up after that. The other two explained what happened to the Elder.

    The Elder shook his head sadly and called everybody in the clan for a meeting once again. He acted very serious, for the Mightyena were dangerous.

    The Elder set out with some rules, now that there was a rivalry: “Dark Plains is strictly forbidden for now on. Stay away from the Mightyena territory, and if you see a Mightyena, do not talk to them, to not look at them, and do not fight with them. Instead, come back to the tribe and the tribe leader immediately. whoever does not follow these new rules shall be banished from the tribe indefinitely - no exceptions”
    However, a young Shinx has second thoughts.


    * Dark Plains is made up for the story.
    ** Short for Amp Plains


    This is roughly around 700 words, btw hopefully enough for a Prologue

  2. #2

    Default

    Sorry if this is not the best crit around, but here we go.

    Could you describe the envirnment more? It seems as though they are living in this endless plain. Also, could you possibly describe what they look like? We know what they are, but what if the reader didn't know.
    You guys keep this up, then I guess we will be rivals for now on.
    I believe it is from now on.
    No! These freaking Mightyena are getting on…my…nerves!!
    Notice the 2 exclamation points? In fics of any kind, there should be only one of each punctuation mark, unless its the "Dot Dot Dot" thing.
    Huh…I see it too
    Wrong form of "to".

    Sorry for being a grammer nazi!

    Other than those minor problems, it's a good story so far. It's clear and tells a bit about what might be happening.

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