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Thread: Seven [Rated R]

  1. #1
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    Default Seven [Rated R]

    Seven contains Pokemon Black & White Spoilers

    Hello, I am Mr. Joker and it's been quite a while since I have written, but I got this idea and I think it can make a really great story. I'm not the best writer, but I really want to get better, so I really want c&c on this, thank you!

    &&Seven

    . // prologue; execution


    “Now, my friend, will you please perform Cross Thunder,” a voice rang through the hall, the voice of emotionless hate.

    Before I could say anything, the giant black generator turned blue with power. It wouldn’t be long until we were both obliterated in the bright neon storm.

    “Counter with Cross Fire!” I yelled to the giant white body in front of me. The torch on the bright white tail began to glow a brilliant red orange, fire as bright as the deepest pit of hell. The angel began to draw power.

    In the blink of an eye, the Black Demon’s tail turned darker than a shadow. It was too late. I spoke a silent prayer.

    Before I knew it, I was dropping into a pitch-black shadow land. Falling into nothing.

    And I took all hope with me.

    _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


    “Honey, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay..” a sweet, calming voice whispered. It sounded like she was trying to reassure herself more than me, she was rubbing my back. It was soothing.

    I opened my eyes to see my mother. She was in her pink pajamas and her hair long, blonde hair was all tangled. I was in my dark room, the only light coming from the lightning that shook the sky.

    I looked up to my mother, her expression on her pale face was worried, very, very worried. “Was it that bad?” I whispered and I dug my face into my pillow, trying to ignore the flashes of light.

    “Oh honey…” she replied, like she always does.

    My mother is trying, she really is. It never really gets through though. Every since The Event, I’ve had these nightmares. They were always the same thing. And they always ended the same way.

    “What time is it?” I asked.

    “Two in the morning..” She sighed as she whispered.

    “Go back to bed... Tom is probably waiting for you,” I said, trying to be sympathetic and apologetic.

    “Are you sure honey?” She asked.

    “Yeah. I think I’m going to go back to bed,” I lied.

    “Okay. Sleep tight, I think I’m going to contact someone again tomorrow,” she said as she walked out of the room.

    I looked out the window, the storm was bad tonight. I knew that It was watching me, just waiting for me to do something. It seemed like It has been watching me ever since The Event. It would love to do something to me, but She wouldn’t allow it. I have a feeling that She will be watching over me until I die. I have only seen her once since the event, and that was at the trial, she had been watching from the clouds, like she always is.

    I turned on the television in my room, what’s on at two in the morning? The Isshu news apparently. I turned down the volume, hopefully it won’t wake up the green snake (who’s probably having a nightmare similar to mine) next to my bed or my mother and her boyfriend. The anchorwoman spoke “Good morning, Isshu! It’s Sunday the 23rd of May! It looks like it’s going to be a beautiful spring day today!” she yelled into the camera with her peppy voice.

    I looked out the window, the rain continued to pour, you can hear it on the roof and slobbering onto the grass in the yard. “Oh shut it Shannon,” I said to the television, hoping that she would just shut up.

    “Early this morning, Geechisu, the 7th Sage of Team Plasma, was executed in Hiun City. He was hung by noose, which hasn’t been done for over one-hundred and fifty years in Isshu. Normally execution takes place by injunction, but he requested it. His reasoning was quote ‘I will do things how they should be done,’ unquote. We will be broadcasting the execution momentarily,” Shannon Holiday spoke to the camera in her anchorwoman voice.

    The scene on the television changed. It was outside on a wooden deck. Apparently it was raining in Hiun too, because you could hear the rain hit the deck and everyone was wet. There were four figures there, the first one was a strange looking man, he stood a good six feet and had ageing brown (now turning gray) hair, he wore an old brown trench coat. The second was a blonde woman, she was about six inches shorter than the man in the trench coat. She wore black pants, a black blouse and a black coat. The third guy was named Adeku, I would know that funky spiked orange hair anywhere, he is the Isshu Champion. He was the one that took Geechisu into custody after The Event. He always wears strange clothes, today it’s jeans, a long sleeve white polo, and a black sweater vest. The final man was the slimeball himself, he wore a black and white suit.

    “Geechisu, the Seventh Sage of Team Plasma, you are here by executed by the State of Isshu,” read the man in the brown trench coat, “You have been ordered to be executed for the acts you did on December 23rd of last year. Do you have any last words?”

    “Yes, I do my friend,” he replied, he switched his look into the camera, he was staring at me, “People of Isshu, your government has fed you lies, they have told you that Team Plasma has been disbanded. You still have yet to see what Team Plasma can do. Order will be restored. Team Plasma will reign again.”

    He continued to stare into the camera. He stepped back onto a platform, Adeku put the noose around his neck. Still staring into the camera, a faint smile grew from Geechisu’s mouth. The woman pulled a lever and the platform split and Geechisu fell to his death.
    Last edited by Mr. Joker; 4th October 2010 at 12:30 AM.

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  2. #2
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    I thought the highest rating had to be rated PG 13-14?

    You gonna also change the names of the fic once the English B/W come out
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    No, they just have to be Mod approved.


    I likey! I don't know much about B&W, but I'm not too concerned about spoilers anyway. Your introduction alone was good enough to rope me in for at least a while, and I look forward to more.

    Only one gripe: You switch tenses occasionally, if only for a sentence or two. For instance, here:
    I turned down the volume, hopefully it won’t wake up the green snake
    Notice how in the second clause you say 'won't,' a future tense contraction in an otherwise past tense sentence. "Wouldn't" would be more appropriate. And while I'm on the subject of this particular sentence, I'd like to point out (and this may just be from my point of view, others may disagree) that the "hopefully" seems jagged here. Use a semicolon instead of a comma or change "hopefully" to "hoping." Again, just preference.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zozo1999 View Post
    I thought the highest rating had to be rated PG 13-14?

    You gonna also change the names of the fic once the English B/W come out
    Apparently it is :x

    and I plan on changing the names once we know all of them ;p;

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    No, they just have to be Mod approved.


    I likey! I don't know much about B&W, but I'm not too concerned about spoilers anyway. Your introduction alone was good enough to rope me in for at least a while, and I look forward to more.

    Only one gripe: You switch tenses occasionally, if only for a sentence or two. For instance, here:Notice how in the second clause you say 'won't,' a future tense contraction in an otherwise past tense sentence. "Wouldn't" would be more appropriate. And while I'm on the subject of this particular sentence, I'd like to point out (and this may just be from my point of view, others may disagree) that the "hopefully" seems jagged here. Use a semicolon instead of a comma or change "hopefully" to "hoping." Again, just preference.
    Well, that's great! Thanks for reading ^^

    I'll keep the tense thing in mind, thanks for the help 83

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    Heh, I bet you're excited.

    It's an interesting concept you have there, but I just realized that the 'seven sages' event in the games happens only after the main storyline which would mean yours does that as well. Or are you planning to write a prequel later? Whatever happens, I like your concept and the fact that Looker might appear. xD
    I keep wondering what The Event is and why do you keep referring to Zekrom as It, but I suppose it's a good thing keeping a reader on his suspense. Makes the others wanna read more. (haha, Geechisu must have done something really bad to get executed.)

    Your description is okay, at least in my book, but I felt like the prologue was kinda short. Eh nothing to worry about, especially when it managed to set up so many questions which need to be answered. Keep it up! x)


    ....and now, her story begins.

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    I don't even see what's so R-rated about it. I've probably written at least 1 chapter in my Spyro fanfic that's worse than this.
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    Not every single chapter has to have R-rated material for it to be R-rated.

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    Oh, a Black and White chaptered fic, and one with potential already!

    Awesome you'll basing the fic on the find the seven sages event of the games. Also looks like the sages' roles will be much more important than in the games. Looking forward to that.

    disclaimer065 mentioned already about the tenses, but you didn't stray too much into switching them. They're easily fixable if you look through your work a couple more times or have a beta check it.

    One thing I want to say though is I kinda find it weird the news broadcast Geechisu's execution or doing it without a disclaimer that it's disturbing at least. Usually executions, even injections, tend to not be shown in the news. Maybe if the main character saw the execution right in front of him, it would have worked better.

    Overall this looks quite promising, so looking forward to how far this story will go!


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    excellent story. I like it

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    I thought it was written quite well. You kept me gripped, and I feel like I'm reading Pretty Little Liars again, where in the first book, they keep talking about this secret. That's how I feel about the event.

    Now, To be Specific. I'm kind of a grammar nazi, and you had a handful of typos.

    She was in her pink pajamas and her hair long, blonde hair was all tangled
    A better way // you also doubled hair up P:

    She was in her bright pink pajamas, and her long, blonde hair was tangled up like a birds nest.

    the similie was a quick idea. usually, they enhance the readers visualization of the character.

    Apparently it was raining in Hiun too, because you could hear the rain hit the deck and everyone was wet.
    try elaborating a little bit more. this ties in with the visualization thing. you should try to give your readers the best visualization you can. A suggestion ;;

    Apparently, the storm was present in Huin too. You could hear the rain hitting the deck in loud, sharp bolts, and everyone was soaked from head to toe.

    The woman pulled a lever and the platform split and Geechisu fell to his death.
    try separating with commas. this can be useful sometimes and will give a richer understanding to the text. (also, using and over again makes the sentence sound silly)

    The woman pulled a lever, and the floor split open, leaving Geechisu to fall to his death.

    Other than that, I see a suspenseful and thrilling fic on our way. fix some small grammatical errors, and your fic will be well on its way.


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    Quote Originally Posted by ben_pokemon View Post
    Heh, I bet you're excited.
    lol very ;D

    Quote Originally Posted by ben_pokemon
    It's an interesting concept you have there, but I just realized that the 'seven sages' event in the games happens only after the main storyline which would mean yours does that as well. Or are you planning to write a prequel later? Whatever happens, I like your concept and the fact that Looker might appear. xD
    I'm thinking about writing a prequel one-shot. I am not the biggest fan of journey fics, so there won't be a journey fic involving our main character P:

    Quote Originally Posted by ben_pokemon
    I keep wondering what The Event is and why do you keep referring to Zekrom as It, but I suppose it's a good thing keeping a reader on his suspense. Makes the others wanna read more. (haha, Geechisu must have done something really bad to get executed.)
    Zekrom is referred as It because our main character has trouble saying his name due to emotional trauma, this will be seen again later 8)

    Quote Originally Posted by ben_pokemon
    Your description is okay, at least in my book, but I felt like the prologue was kinda short. Eh nothing to worry about, especially when it managed to set up so many questions which need to be answered. Keep it up! x)
    Thanks! I know the prologue was pretty short, but I wanted it to be more of a teaser P:

    Quote Originally Posted by Pink Lapras View Post
    I don't even see what's so R-rated about it. I've probably written at least 1 chapter in my Spyro fanfic that's worse than this.
    It's going to get pretty bad, don't worry.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    Not every single chapter has to have R-rated material for it to be R-rated.
    Thank you ;D

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    Oh, a Black and White chaptered fic, and one with potential already!

    Awesome you'll basing the fic on the find the seven sages event of the games. Also looks like the sages' roles will be much more important than in the games. Looking forward to that.

    disclaimer065 mentioned already about the tenses, but you didn't stray too much into switching them. They're easily fixable if you look through your work a couple more times or have a beta check it.

    One thing I want to say though is I kinda find it weird the news broadcast Geechisu's execution or doing it without a disclaimer that it's disturbing at least. Usually executions, even injections, tend to not be shown in the news. Maybe if the main character saw the execution right in front of him, it would have worked better.

    Overall this looks quite promising, so looking forward to how far this story will go!
    I'm glad you like it, Bay! I'm currently looking for a beta, right now I am using Microsoft Word XD.

    I thought about that too, I wrote an alternate prologue where our main character was actually at the hanging, but it just didn't work very well. I'm going to be fixing up the chapter soon, so a disclaimer will be added ^^

    Quote Originally Posted by The Mewtwo Master View Post
    excellent story. I like it
    Thank you 8D

    Quote Originally Posted by Ri-Chan View Post
    I thought it was written quite well. You kept me gripped, and I feel like I'm reading Pretty Little Liars again, where in the first book, they keep talking about this secret. That's how I feel about the event.

    Now, To be Specific. I'm kind of a grammar nazi, and you had a handful of typos.



    A better way // you also doubled hair up P:

    She was in her bright pink pajamas, and her long, blonde hair was tangled up like a birds nest.

    the similie was a quick idea. usually, they enhance the readers visualization of the character.



    try elaborating a little bit more. this ties in with the visualization thing. you should try to give your readers the best visualization you can. A suggestion ;;

    Apparently, the storm was present in Huin too. You could hear the rain hitting the deck in loud, sharp bolts, and everyone was soaked from head to toe.



    try separating with commas. this can be useful sometimes and will give a richer understanding to the text. (also, using and over again makes the sentence sound silly)

    The woman pulled a lever, and the floor split open, leaving Geechisu to fall to his death.

    Other than that, I see a suspenseful and thrilling fic on our way. fix some small grammatical errors, and your fic will be well on its way.
    Mmkay 8) thanks for the help avis.

    Notice; I am going to be fixing the errors and editing the prologue some time this week. I am also working on the first chapter as we speak ^^ I think you guys will like ;D

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