“Iris, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this earlier.”
“I already know that you’re sorry, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you still did that and didn’t even bother to tell me!”
Very nice way of opening the chapter there, it draws the reader in almost instantly.
“Not that big of a-,“ Iris shouted, but quickly caught herself before she went any farther. With nothing more than a short sigh and a burst of inaudible muttering, Iris quickly regained her composure and continued to speak. “Palpitoad was a wild Pokémon that was more than capable of defending himself at the time, but Deino was an injured Pokémon that just came out of the Pokémon Center, and even now, she may still be suffering from her previous injuries. You can’t just capture a Pokémon when it’s in that condition to begin with!”
To be perfectly honest with you, I thought she was mad because he had caught a Dragon-Type that she needed more then him -_-
“…I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you that, Iris.” Deino could only give a look of surprise after hearing these words. She was not listening hard enough to discern who exactly said these words, but she already had a good idea of who said them.
Hit Enter before we mention Deino. It can be confusing without the said Enter.
“Don’t try to cover it up now. Your injuries yesterday clearly said something else.” Iris pointed out, asserting the fact that she still did not forget the events of that day. “Now, tell me. What happened yesterday while I was away?”
“You heard what I said, and I mean it. I can’t tell you what happened yesterday,” Ash asserted with the fear that was in his voice before suddenly gone.
First of all, overuse of assert, and the last bolded part doesn't make any sense.
“What are you doing, Ash? You’re just going to make things worse for yourself,” Deino thought as she slowly walked towards the end of the wall and look behind it to see Iris’s face, which only seemed to express more and more anger over time.
This made it feel like Deino spent a long time staring at Iris's expression. Perhaps you should note that it was quickly expressing more and more anger.
“Ash, I’m just trying to figure out what happened on that day while I was away so that I can help, but you’re not making this any easier,” Iris said, still struggling to contain her own anger as she continued.
Change that to rage and the like. Two "anger" close together can make the writing feel narrow.
“I’m asking you one last time for both Deino’s sake and your own. What. Happened. On. That. Day?” Ash could only offer one last moment of silence before he gave his answer.
Enter error again.
Besides the errors, very nicely done. I feel rather excited about the backstory even thought I've already read it. The way you expressed Deino's convoluted feelings about Ash standing up for her was very touching, as well as her standing up for him. I felt that Iris's rage was uncalled for, but she's pretty sensitive, suppose. Good work, 366
Very nice way of opening the chapter there, it draws the reader in almost instantly.
To be perfectly honest with you, I thought she was mad because he had caught a Dragon-Type that she needed more then him -_-
You give Iris less credit than what it's worth. Iris struck me as someone who considers Pokemon to have just about as much moral standing as humans. I would honestly peg her as the main character most likely to accept the ideals of N of Team Plasma.
Hit Enter before we mention Deino. It can be confusing without the said Enter.
First of all, overuse of assert, and the last bolded part doesn't make any sense.
This made it feel like Deino spent a long time staring at Iris's expression. Perhaps you should note that it was quickly expressing more and more anger.
Change that to rage and the like. Two "anger" close together can make the writing feel narrow.
Enter error again.
Besides the errors, very nicely done. I feel rather excited about the backstory even thought I've already read it. The way you expressed Deino's convoluted feelings about Ash standing up for her was very touching, as well as her standing up for him. I felt that Iris's rage was uncalled for, but she's pretty sensitive, suppose. Good work, 366
Comments are in bold, and thank you for being a grammar snob (you sometimes hate them, but without them, so much good quality would be lost). What about Deino's feelings were convoluted? Also, please remember that she was already emotionally rattled by Vincent before she and Ash had their "talk", so it probably wouldn't have been so bad for Ash if Vincent didn't show up when he did.
3DS Friend Code: 2363-6123-7178
"It's simple: Overspecialize, and you breed in weakness. It's slow death."
— Major Motoko Kusanagi, Ghost in the Shell
Chapters created so far: 9
The link is in th picture. Enjoy!
Comments are in bold, and thank you for being a grammar snob (you sometimes hate them, but without them, so much good quality would be lost). What about Deino's feelings were convoluted? Also, please remember that she was already emotionally rattled by Vincent before she and Ash had their "talk", so it probably wouldn't have been so bad for Ash if Vincent didn't show up when he did.
Was I mean about my corrections? The reason why I called Deino's feelings "convoluted" because she was like, "He's standing up for me after all I've done?" right after thinking, "She's going to hate me and reject me." That is all. Also, I forgot what Vincent said that rattled her. Sorry, my brain dies after school sometimes -_-
As for Iris's standing for Plasma's ideals...*glares at Paul*
Was I mean about my corrections? The reason why I called Deino's feelings "convoluted" because she was like, "He's standing up for me after all I've done?" right after thinking, "She's going to hate me and reject me." That is all. Also, I forgot what Vincent said that rattled her. Sorry, my brain dies after school sometimes -_-
As for Iris's standing for Plasma's ideals...*glares at Paul*
To be honest, his presence in itself was what threw Iris off.
BTW, about your chapter/plot movement VM. I'll move at whatever pace I feel like, but I won't make the readers sit through something that I, myself, wouldn't feel like sitting through, and a plot that moves too slowly or has too much filler is one of the things on that banlist.
I still don't know what made you think that Iris was pissed because she didn't get Deino before Ash. Personally, I thought Ash getting Deino would be more logical and a better plot twist.
3DS Friend Code: 2363-6123-7178
"It's simple: Overspecialize, and you breed in weakness. It's slow death."
— Major Motoko Kusanagi, Ghost in the Shell
Chapters created so far: 9
The link is in th picture. Enjoy!
To be honest, his presence in itself was what threw Iris off.
BTW, about your chapter/plot movement VM. I'll move at whatever pace I feel like, but I won't make the readers sit through something that I, myself, wouldn't feel like sitting through, and a plot that moves too slowly or has too much filler is one of the things on that banlist.
I still don't know what made you think that Iris was pissed because she didn't get Deino before Ash. Personally, I thought Ash getting Deino would be more logical and a better plot twist.
Ah-ha, now I remember.
I'm just saying, if the plot runs too slowly, then readers might get bored out of their skulls because nothing is moving along. I was just giving some advice just in case a complaint rose up.
Iris is aiming to be a Dragon Master, 366. I thought she was aiming for captureing/befriending Deino herself before Ash actually caught her. I assume too much. Please just deal with with it, because it's my nature -_-
I'm just saying, if the plot runs too slowly, then readers might get bored out of their skulls because nothing is moving along. I was just giving some advice just in case a complaint rose up.
Iris is aiming to be a Dragon Master, 366. I thought she was aiming for captureing/befriending Deino herself before Ash actually caught her. I assume too much. Please just deal with with it, because it's my nature -_-
Does it really matter how fast or slow the plot progresses so long as the readers are thoroughly entertained? Personally, I would rather take my time and enjoy the story, because when it becomes more like a job for me, no one wins, not even you *points finger at computer monitor*.
Yes, I know Iris is aiming to become a Dragon Master, but there are certain unwritten laws that she will abide by because of how she views Pokemon on a moral scale. Iris doesn't need another Dragon right now, anyway. All it would do is steal attention away from Axew about as easily as a cute little sister, and then here comes the Piplup drama like in that episode where he learned Hydro Pump -_- .
Don't worry. You're not doing anything wrong.
3DS Friend Code: 2363-6123-7178
"It's simple: Overspecialize, and you breed in weakness. It's slow death."
— Major Motoko Kusanagi, Ghost in the Shell
Chapters created so far: 9
The link is in th picture. Enjoy!
Ash willingly crossdressed for her. Hes not cilan or Harley in that he'd do that for anyone
of course Harley'd do that. he's a weirdo T_T
Originally Posted by PokemonFreak2011
hello would it be ok if i can join here i really like Negaishipping i really like ash & iris they really cool trainers
Sure, why not.
Originally Posted by Nyarlathotep
Hello everyone~
I think I will be joining here too, since I am starting to like this shipping thing. xD~
Sure, welcome.
Originally Posted by PokeMaster366
*huff* I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but it seems I have no choice. I wanted to wait until I made the whole chapter and post it on the story section, but if this thread is going to get so quiet, I guess I might as well the first part of Chapter 9.
Spoiler:- Recap! Contains spoilers!:
This chapter takes place after Chapter 8, after Vincent is introduced and reveals to an irritated Iris that Ash has captured Deino (which was supposed to be a secret in the first place). Enjoy.
Spoiler:- Chapter 9-1:
Chapter 9-1
“Iris, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this earlier.”
“I already know that you’re sorry, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you still did that and didn’t even bother to tell me!”
These were the first few sentences to grace Deino’s ears as she remained hidden from Ash and Iris’s sight behind the aged remains of a brick wall. Although it was something that would normally be considered rude, Deino could not help but follow Ash and Iris and eavesdrop on their conversation. It was a bad habit that seemed to plague her, but it was one of the few hobbies she had that managed to keep her constantly entertained. Even though the feeling was common for her, Deino could not help but feel nervous about the idea of being caught. If only to calm these nerves, she would occasionally remind herself that even if she does get caught, she could simply scare her pursuer and run away just as easily. Finally feeling free enough from her own insecurities, Deino continued to listen to the argument, making sure not to get caught in the process as she interpreted who was speaking.
“But it’s not that big of a deal, is it? You never got this upset when you found out that I caught Palpitoad,” Ash complained, his voice sounding shaky as if to signify his own fear and confusion.
“Not that big of a-,“ Iris shouted, but quickly caught herself before she went any farther. With nothing more than a short sigh and a burst of inaudible muttering, Iris quickly regained her composure and continued to speak. “Palpitoad was a wild Pokémon that was more than capable of defending himself at the time, but Deino was an injured Pokémon that just came out of the Pokémon Center, and even now, she may still be suffering from her previous injuries. You can’t just capture a Pokémon when it’s in that condition to begin with!”
Even in spite of the seriousness of the conversation, Deino could not help but laugh silently to herself as she listened to Iris’s strained attempts to stay as calm as possible. At the same time, however, she also felt somewhat happy. It was the first time that a human ever showed concern for her own well-being, and even though this feeling of importance was alien to her, it was a feeling that she enjoyed even more so than the ones she got whenever she was spying on others. With another glance towards the tent behind her, Deino once again focused her attention towards Ash and Iris.
“Trust me, Iris. I didn’t want to catch her that way either, but I didn’t have any other choice at the time,” Ash said with feelings of irritation.
“Huh?” Iris quickly responded, making both Ash and Deino realize his sudden slip-up. “Did something happen to Deino while I was gone yesterday?”
“No, nothing important happened,” Ash lied in a vain attempt to cover up his own mistake.
“Don’t try to cover it up now. Your injuries yesterday clearly said something else.” Iris pointed out, asserting the fact that she still did not forget the events of that day. “Now, tell me. What happened yesterday while I was away?”
“Well, I guess the secret is out now,” Deino thought to herself after hearing Iris’s solid attempts at interrogation. “Ash is going to tell Iris what I did, and then she’s going to hate me, too. I guess I should’ve figured that this visit wasn’t going to last long,” Deino continued with a sad expression as she began to take another look at her surroundings. “But, this trip hasn’t been too bad. A few things might’ve happened, but I got to meet some good people and Pokémon, especially-,” But before she could complete this thought and start her long walk back home, she heard something that baffled both Iris and herself.
“…I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you that, Iris.” Deino could only give a look of surprise after hearing these words. She was not listening hard enough to discern who exactly said these words, but she already had a good idea of who said them.
“What was that, Ash?” Iris said, feeling equally surprised, but angry as well.
“You heard what I said, and I mean it. I can’t tell you what happened yesterday,” Ash asserted with the fear that was in his voice before suddenly gone.
“What are you doing, Ash? You’re just going to make things worse for yourself,” Deino thought as she slowly walked towards the end of the wall and look behind it to see Iris’s face, which only seemed to express more and more anger over time.
“Ash, I’m just trying to figure out what happened on that day while I was away so that I can help, but you’re not making this any easier,” Iris said, still struggling to contain her own anger as she continued. “I’m asking you one last time for both Deino’s sake and your own. What. Happened. On. That. Day?” Ash could only offer one last moment of silence before he gave his answer.
“I understand how you’re feeling, and again, I’m very sorry, but I made a promise to a friend, and I intend to keep it no matter what.”
“I- Is he serious?!” Deino thought with what could only be described as utter shock on her face. “He’s really willing to go that far for me, a dragon that has only caused him nothing but trouble?!” For once, Deino had reflected upon her own actions, but that time became short-lived when she began to hear a loud cry of pain coming from Ash.
“I don’t care what kind of promise you made to that jerk, Vincent! I’m worried more about Deino’s well-being!” Iris yelled, her hand clenching Ash’s shoulder as if she were trying to hurt him. Deino could only stand speechless as she watched an enraged Iris physically torture Ash.
As Deino continued to watch, she began to feel a mixture of different emotions welling up inside of her. Was it anger? Fear? Sadness? Whatever emotions they were, she did not like them, and they only continued to build as she continued to watch this physical abuse take place in front of her very eyes. Unable to take these emotions any longer, she soon found her own mind going blank as she began to walk out of hiding.
“Stop!” Deino shouted, not thinking of what she was doing as she bared her fangs. After hearing Deino’s shout, Iris quickly loosened her grip and both she and Ash, who was now sitting a short distance away from Iris, focused their attention towards the nearby Deino. Almost instantly, the first thing that the two children noticed was the poignant aura that seemed to emanate from her very being. Although they could not actually see her aura, it was very clear to them that Deino was feeling distraught. Being the first to recover from this shock, Iris began to slowly calm down as she watched Deino run in front of Ash, ready to fight if necessary.
“A- Ash! I’m so sorry!” Iris quickly apologized with a hand toward her own mouth after realizing what she had done. “I wasn’t thinking straight when I did that! Are you hurt?”
“Don’t worry, Iris. I’m okay,” Ash responded as he attempted to hold in the pain he was feeling right now. “You were just concerned for Deino’s safety.”
As the two children continued to share their concerns with one another, Deino began to slowly calm down as well and regain awareness of her surroundings. With the tension finally clear, there a short moment of silence, and Iris began to speak once again.
“Ash, I know that you made a promise, but can you please tell me what happened while I was gone? I want to help as much as I can with whatever the problem is. I’ll promise not to get mad or tell anyone else. Just…tell me.” For a moment, both Ash and Deino began to share deep gazes with one another after hearing Iris’s request. Iris could only wait in anticipation as Ash and Deino continued to look at one another, but after what felt like a century, the twosome broke their gaze with one another and Ash began to speak.
“I guess we don’t really have much of a choice now, so okay. It all started after I got Deino back from the Pokémon Center…”
~*~
Well, I hope you enjoyed that part. The next part will take us on a small journey to the past to see what the heck happened to Ash and Deino while Iris was away.
I think it would've been more dramatic if Iris had grabbed Ash's shoulders and slapped him across the face. Twice.
Kolkolkolkolkol...
† Jesus loved us and he even died for our sake. Always remember that God loves you no matter who you are.†
Proud fan of Umineko no Naku Koro ni and Higurashi no Naku Koro ni
edit -This picture isn't very shippy, but it is cute.
LULZ! The top one's hilarious, and the bottom one is adowable.
Originally Posted by PokeMaster366
More dramatic? Yes. More likely to fit into this story?...that's debatable.
WOMAN ARE PSYCHO. That's why ya don't screw with 'em. And is doesn't make much sense for Deino to get his tail in a knot about Iris grabbing Ash by the shoulders, and calling it abuse T_T
Kolkolkolkolkol...
† Jesus loved us and he even died for our sake. Always remember that God loves you no matter who you are.†
Proud fan of Umineko no Naku Koro ni and Higurashi no Naku Koro ni
WOMAN ARE PSYCHO. That's why ya don't screw with 'em. And is doesn't make much sense for Deino to get his tail in a knot about Iris grabbing Ash by the shoulders, and calling it abuse T_T
Have you already forgotten about Ash's previous injuries?
3DS Friend Code: 2363-6123-7178
"It's simple: Overspecialize, and you breed in weakness. It's slow death."
— Major Motoko Kusanagi, Ghost in the Shell
Chapters created so far: 9
The link is in th picture. Enjoy!
Have you already forgotten about Ash's previous injuries?
Whoopsie-daisies *facepalm* Now, that wuz an epic fail by me. Lulz.
Kolkolkolkolkol...
† Jesus loved us and he even died for our sake. Always remember that God loves you no matter who you are.†
Proud fan of Umineko no Naku Koro ni and Higurashi no Naku Koro ni
@Nyarlathotep: I used to do the same, but that was before I even joined Serebii. ^^'
@Numb: Love all the pics you give us! :3
@PokeMaster: I'll read the sample/preview later because I'm really tired as I speak. But Moonlight probably mentioned all that needed to be said anyways. :P
@PokeMaster: I'll read the sample/preview later because I'm really tired as I speak. But Moonlight probably mentioned all that needed to be said anyways. :P
Asdfghjk. NO WIDDIE NO
Could secrecy affect Ash and Iris's relationship? (lame topic, but it has been on my mind for a while, so..!)
Could secrecy affect Ash and Iris's relationship? (lame topic, but it has been on my mind for a while, so..!)
Ihihihihi! Of course, secrecy can tear up any relationship! Nee-pah!
Kolkolkolkolkol...
† Jesus loved us and he even died for our sake. Always remember that God loves you no matter who you are.†
Proud fan of Umineko no Naku Koro ni and Higurashi no Naku Koro ni
Could secrecy affect Ash and Iris's relationship? yes, it would. it could cause a bit of conflict that could ruin any chances of Ash and Iris ever getting together or actually help bring them even closer, depending on whatever's being kept in the dark.
And so marks the beginning of the flashback story. We finally start to get a look at what happened to Ash while the rest of the group was away.
Spoiler:- Chapter 9-2:
Ash could remember it all quite clearly, and as he recounted the previous days' events to Iris, it was almost like seeing them as if her were there again...
The Pokémon Center was in quite a bustling state for being located in a village so remote. It was a small place as well, also adding to the oddity of the diner-like noise level. Then again, there was a popular local tournament about to take place, which might explain the number of young native trainers present. Ash was sitting away from it all, elbows supported on his knees and chin supported in his hands. Pikachu was with him, but Ash was currently not paying him much attention. The simple fact was that Cilan and Georgia had duped him into taking that Deino from the Pokémon Center when he would much rather be taking a walk around the village. At least Iris wasn't around to embarrass him further.
“Why do I have to be the one that has to pick up Deino from here?” Ash mumbled to himself as he continued to wait in a chair for Nurse Joy to call him to the counter nearby. “I really wanted to wander around the village and maybe battle a few trainers so that I could prepare for the tournament, but now I’m stuck here as a babysitter.”
“You could’ve just said no and have Cilan go. It’s not like he has anything important to do most of the time,” Pikachu commented, feeling somewhat irritated by his trainer’s complaining as he attempted to relax in the seat beside him.
“I know I could’ve said no, but…” Ash trailed off as he attempted to gather his thoughts. “But once Cilan started talking about how happy Iris would be if I did this for her, I couldn’t help but say yes. I’m just doing this for a friend, but since when did I suddenly care so much about what she thinks?”
“Ash Ketchum, please report to the counter immediately. Your Pokémon is ready,” the intercom rang, snapping Ash out of his train of thought.
“Let’s go, Pikachu,” Ash said as he rose from his seat and walked towards the counter, his partner following closely behind him as he continued to talk to himself. “Well, whatever. It’ll be nice to learn more about Deino, and even while I’m taking care of her, I can still get some training in, so I guess it’s not a total loss. Who knows? Maybe she’ll become close friends with us and the other Pokémon.” Ash could only continue to talk about these ideas before he eventually decided to look up and focus on the real world before him; although, all he could really see that caught his attention right now was a Nurse Joy that seemed to be eyeing him with suspicion and pity and a Deino standing on the counter that seemed to be scanning the entire room that she was in.
“…Well, anyway, I’m happy to tell you that Deino has fully recovered from her injuries,” Nurse Joy said with a straight face that slowly formed a small, but noticeable smile as she continued. “And don’t worry. Most trainers do that all the time when they travel by themselves.”
“Umm, thank you, Nurse Joy,” Ash said as he reached out to grab Deino, only to be scared away by Deino’s sudden reaction to his motion towards her.
“Don’t touch me,” Deino snapped, her full attention towards the startled trainer as he took a step away from the wary dragon. For a moment, there was silence between them, but once Deino felt safe, she slowly lowered her guard, and with a quick hop, left the counter and landed by Pikachu’s side. Ash could only watch her with astonishment and maybe jealousy as she began to socialize with his partner Pokémon.
“Hey, Ash,” Nurse Joy called.
“Yes?” Ash responded, his attention shifting away from the two Pokémon beside him and towards the pink-haired nurse.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you before about where you found Deino earlier. Was she somewhere nearby?”
“Yeah,” Ash answered. “My friends and I found i-…her near a rock that was close to the village.”
“Hmm, if that’s where you found her,” Nurse Joy said, putting extra emphasis on “her”. “She probably came from that place.”
“And ‘that place’ is…” Ash asked out of curiosity before Nurse Joy continued.
“A bit of a distance away from here, there’s a nest where many Deinos and Zweilous’ can be found. Every once in a while, a few of them will travel to the village, but…”
“Well, what is it?” Ash asked, unwilling to wait through the suspense.
“Oh, sorry, but…” Nurse Joy said before looking towards Ash’s feet, much to his confusion. “Weren’t Pikachu and Deino right beside you earlier?”
“What?” Ash said, quickly succumbing to shock before he turned to see that, like Nurse Joy had said, Pikachu and Deino had disappeared. “Where did those two go?!”
“There’s no need to panic,” Nurse Joy told Ash before he could get too loud. “Those two should be okay so long as they have a Poké Ball to go back to; but considering where you found Deino and…” she trailed off after seeing how much more troubled he looked as she continued. “Yeah, we should probably go find them now. I’ll go look inside the center while you look outside.”
“Okay, I’ll go look for them now,” Ash responded before making a beeline for the exit.
“Wait!” Nurse Joy commanded, stopping Ash in his tracks before he could turn the knob. With a swift movement, an agitated Ash turned around to look at Nurse Joy once again before she continued. “If I find them here, I’ll send an Audino out to find you. Oh! And if Deino is from where I think she is, then whatever you do, do not frighten her in any way.”
“Thank you, Nurse Joy,” Ash quickly responded before opening the door and leaving the building.
“It’s very important that you-“ but before she could finish, the door had already closed and taken Ash out of earshot. She knew that there was something more pressing to tell him, but she knew her responsibilities at the Pokémon Center were more important. With nothing more than a look of regret, she returned to the room behind the counter, ready to search for the lost Pokémon.
~*~
I guess Pikachu felt like exploring the village as well. I guess you could blame Deino for disappearing. She was pretty...persuasive. Sorry that this part was shorter than the others usually are, but...whatever. Now let's all wait for MLA to be a buzzkill by harping on all of the grammatical errors, word misuse, and spacing errors.
3DS Friend Code: 2363-6123-7178
"It's simple: Overspecialize, and you breed in weakness. It's slow death."
— Major Motoko Kusanagi, Ghost in the Shell
Chapters created so far: 9
The link is in th picture. Enjoy!
Originally Posted by Nyarlathotep
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