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Thread: Tómur

  1. #1
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    Default Tómur

    It's been a while since I've written anything. It's been even longer since I've been active here. Here's a one-shot that I just got hit with the idea for tonight:

    Tómur

    Again I wake to confinement, dark and complete, as I feel I always have. In this wretched place, I can scarcely perceive the change from sleeping to waking. In sleep, I grasp for the faintest memories of freedom that survive only in dreams: weak impressions of scents and emotions and colors are all that persist through this captivity. My memories have waned to the point that it is only with great difficultly I can believe there is a world beyond my confinement, or that this is confinement at all. My mind wishes to call this all, to call it everything and know no concept of outside, but I refuse to forgo my belief. Through my dreams I will hold to those memories I believe in, however faint they become, and in my slumber I will pursue the dim flicker of release, of freedom. But as I wake, even the memories of the memories fade and I descend into a black, infinite void.

    Once awake, I have some semblance of control. At least, I feel that I do, though it has no perceivable effects. My mind is active. I feel the thoughts coursing through it, and I can focus on any number of them, but they have no...substance. They are all identical: they are all thoughts composed of nothingness. How something can be built of nothing, I do not know, but it is so within this void, I believe. When I first entered this place, it was not like this, but the passing of time has brought with it deterioration, I believe. I cannot be sure. Here, I cannot be sure of anything; I may simply believe. Perhaps this idea of a time before my thoughts felt to be composed of nothing is only a proof of a mind developing. Maybe I have yet to be, and I am only a developing existence that has recently gained some sort of cognizance. I do not believe it, but it could be. I do not know; I cannot know. Even the "passing of time" I spoke of is beyond any certainty I could dream of finding. Perhaps I have been here only a moment, or perhaps I have been here for eternity. I have no way of knowing any truth. However, I believe that I was before this captivity; I believe that I existed outside, wherever that may be.

    And as I consider outside, the blocks of nothing in my mind build nothing thoughts of location and physicality. They seem to have a place in this existence, but they are too fleeting to be captured. In what I perceive to be my mind I feel the commands to movement build up. I sense them fall from my mind into my core, a void deeper than the rest, and travel through veins of nothingness into extremities I believe exist. I sense every miniscule movement of these commands as they progress; the process seems to last an immense amount of time, but it also seems to be over instantaneously. As I have said, I cannot truly be certain there even is such a thing as time here, so I cannot know how long these commands travel, if they travel at all. Once these commandments have reached what I believe are their destinations, they impart their nothingness into the nothingness of a body which then gives a sensation of movement, of change. No perceivable change reaches my captivity, it remains black and still, but I believe I move. This way, I have moved over what must be long distances but have progressed nowhere. I am able to move in ways I believe to be impossible, which causes me to believe I may not be moving at all, but perhaps I am a being who may move inwards, if I am a being at all.

    I still wonder if I am something fading away or something fading into existence. Or something else. Thinking of movement develops a blankness of longing for slumber, for sleep allows for movement with progression, so I sleep, and I move forwards, ever forwards, until I fade away into waking once more.

    Thus, having awoken again, I believe I begin to consider my existence once more. The mysteries of my substance of nothingness plague me for nonexistent ages. Around me, in me, part of me; the void groans slowly in a crushing maelstrom that cannot be felt or fought. I move no longer; I wish not to perceive its lack of effect, for it dwindles my belief in movement, and I will not sacrifice belief, for it is all I have. I will not become this emptiness.

    The blocks of nothing build again. I consider consumption, sustinence. I do not know why, for I do not believe I have ever known such concepts, but I believe I desire to know them. This event gives strength to the belief that I am a developing entity approaching some form of reality or existence, if that is not what I already possess. With the empty concept of consumption deteriorating into a purer nothing, my mind finds the belief in entities challenged. From where does such a belief come? I have known no entities, only myself and my captivity, I believe. Those may be one, or they may not be an entity. Perhaps I am all that is. Perhaps I am nothing, and thus, am everything I perceive, my only substance a void without founding.

    I believe I tire, and ascend into sleep again, finding memories of emotions and color; though I know not what they are, I feel them as I move to nowhere. Nowhere, but closer to the memories, grasping for them. Hoping to actualize them. Hope...hope...I know it only in slumber. I grasp for it. To take these things from dream to wake...I know not what would happen, but I must. I grasp...

    I am awoken--pulled to wake from sleep. I do not believe this may happen. I am not awoken: I awake. To be awoken means entity. I believe the void has awoken me, but I do not believe it can. I descend from memories of memories into movement. This movement is not the futile movement I believe. It is movement of nothing, of the void. I do not believe this either, but I believe it has happened, is happening, will happen. I do not know.

    Nothing changes, my confinement is still and dark and entire, but I believe the outside changes. I believe the outside. I believe--

    Tómur.

    Suddenly I am aware: I am summoned. My prison is collapses into me and I no longer believe, I know: I am. Memories of memories become memories that rush back, quickly--for there is time, I know it. Color, scent, emotion--they surround me and I know them. Location, physicality, entity--I feel them and I know they are truth. Truth is truth. A world develops around me as the void recedes. Eager, I think and command my limbs and feel the commands echo through my body and I move. I reflect on myself and I feel my existence, and the existence of the entity who has summoned me, but as I absorb it all, within me, as the commands echo about, I discover something missing: I discover the void within my core.

    I am not yet rid of it!

    I summon forth the void and push it from me, hurling it away with force. As it touches the world it rips away the color in a flash of lamentation. Still, I feel it dwelling within me. I expel it again and again, wishing to rid myself of its curse, but I cannot. More of the brilliant world I have seen is marred by the void I release, but it remains in me. The void overcomes all it reachers; I feel and see my summoner reduced to lack. The one who freed me from my prison--now taken by it. The emptiness is not merely within me, it is a part of me: I am the emptiness. I release a bellow of shame and disgust and regret and hatred, and as the anguished roar escapes my dreadful maw, I see the world come rushing into me, into my core, consumed by my emptiness. The reverberations of my scream rush into me, and I follow them. Once more, my darkness is wretched and entire. The memories of the emotions and color and scents are already beginning to fade in the mere moments--or is it ages?--I have been here. However, I know one thing I never knew in my previous captivity--there is no more outside, for I have consumed it.

    -----------
    Tómur means empty, it's icelandic (so the internet tells me) A couple rejected titles I had were nic (nothing, Czech) and rien (nothing, French).

    I don't think the Pokemon I used in this fic is too hard to pick out, but I'd like to hear some ideas on the whole plot. As in, the Pokemon, what causes the "void", and what happens there at the end.

    Critique as hard as you would like.
    Last edited by SnoringFrog; 14th July 2010 at 12:11 AM.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  2. #2
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    Default Now my brain hurts... xD

    All in all, I did enjoy reading this ^^ Before I answer the questions you left at the end, I might as well give you the few errors I noticed while reading your one-shot:

    How something can be built of nothing, I do not know, but it is so within this void, I believe. When I first entered this place, it was not like this, but the passing of time has brought with it deterioration, I believe.
    These two sentences in the second paragraph were the only two that really stood out to me. First off, you accidentally did a typo on 'built', which is understandable. Secondly, you ended both sentences with 'I believe.' Now, I don't know if this was an intentional thing or not, I just thought I'd point it out to you. You did tie in believing a lot with the story, so I could see if it was intentional, but it just seemed sort of awkward to me. Maybe I'm wrong or the only one that thinks so, but I dunno. Also, in the second sentence, I don't think the first comma you use is entirely necessary. It sort of disrupts the sentence in my head. Again, though, that might just be me.

    Aside from that small chunk, there were only two other errors I noticed:

    I do not know.
    - two lines up from Tomur (my computer won't let me do accents. Dx ).

    My prison is collapses into me and I no longer believe, I know; I am.
    - directly underneath Tomur.

    In the second quote, the "is" after prison isn't necessary and I'm not sure, but I don't think the semi-colon is necessary after know either. To me, it seems like it would be better replaced with a period or real colon, but I'm not all-knowing when it comes to the all-mighty semi-colon, so I'm more than likely wrong on that. xD I just figured I'd point it out.

    ----------

    Sorry, a lot of that probably sounded like nit-picking, it's just that there wasn't a whole lot to really correct in the story 'cause you wrote it rather well and there really weren't that many errors. Just wanted to try and help make such a nice work as error-free as possible.

    Also, as a side-note, I like the title. I'm a big foreign language junkey, so it's nice to see fics with traces of it.

    ----------

    Now then. I like the idea of this whole fic in general, but I'm not exactly the best at philosophy so it went a bit over my head. I'll still try to answer with my ideas on what you wanted to know... Hopefully i'm not too far off. :P

    So... With the Pokemon, I'm a bit confused, honestly. If I had to guess, I'd say... Arceus? Or is it Giratina? x.x Probably wrong, but it's all I can think of. Those are the only pokemon that come to mind when I hear 'void.' Either way, it's intriguing. I'm not entirely sure on what caused the void in the first place. By no longer believing, but by the pokemon knowing it exists it leaves the void, correct? So... Is the void the pokemon's uncertainty in itself or something? x.x Like I said, I'm not good at such deep stories, but I'm trying.

    So at the end... The Pokemon discovers the void is inside itself, so it tries to get rid of it. But by trying to fill that void inside of itself, it swallows up everything around it until there's nothing left but a void yet again? It's a really interesting concept, if that's even close. I like what you're getting at. I just wish I actually understood as well as I should. >.< Hahahahah. Either way, it was a great read. And I'm sorry this review/critique became so long... ._. I guess I write when I'm interested in something hahah. Anyways, thumbs up! I'm glad I read this. You have a real talent for writing.
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn_Hero View Post
    In the second quote, the "is" after prison isn't necessary and I'm not sure, but I don't think the semi-colon is necessary after know either. To me, it seems like it would be better replaced with a period or real colon, but I'm not all-knowing when it comes to the all-mighty semi-colon, so I'm more than likely wrong on that. xD I just figured I'd point it out.
    I think the semi-colon is actually correct, since it's separating two independent clauses, but the colon actually does work better for what I was trying to do, so I switched it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn_Hero View Post
    Now then. I like the idea of this whole fic in general, but I'm not exactly the best at philosophy so it went a bit over my head. I'll still try to answer with my ideas on what you wanted to know... Hopefully i'm not too far off. :P

    So... With the Pokemon, I'm a bit confused, honestly. If I had to guess, I'd say... Arceus? Or is it Giratina? x.x Probably wrong, but it's all I can think of. Those are the only pokemon that come to mind when I hear 'void.' Either way, it's intriguing. I'm not entirely sure on what caused the void in the first place. By no longer believing, but by the pokemon knowing it exists it leaves the void, correct? So... Is the void the pokemon's uncertainty in itself or something? x.x Like I said, I'm not good at such deep stories, but I'm trying.

    So at the end... The Pokemon discovers the void is inside itself, so it tries to get rid of it. But by trying to fill that void inside of itself, it swallows up everything around it until there's nothing left but a void yet again? It's a really interesting concept, if that's even close. I like what you're getting at. I just wish I actually understood as well as I should. >.< Hahahahah. Either way, it was a great read. And I'm sorry this review/critique became so long... ._. I guess I write when I'm interested in something hahah. Anyways, thumbs up! I'm glad I read this. You have a real talent for writing.
    With the Pokemon, you're not right in the least. XD You were closer with the 2nd bit though, not entirely there, but I think not knowing the Pokemon is hurting you there. You kind of hit in the middle, you went too deep at first, but still missed the deepest part of it. Good attempts though. Thanks for reading and I will go fix those errors now.
    Last edited by SnoringFrog; 14th July 2010 at 12:18 AM.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  4. #4
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    I thought this was Mewtwo, but now I'm not so sure. Making something out of nothing (being created from a single Mew gene), memories of being outside at one time (the Mew gene in him and the memories that came with it), in captivity and questioning his existence. It has to be Mewtwo, right? The end, however, threw me off, since I wasn't sure if it was a literal destruction of the world around him or him realizing he's not human and therefore not capable of the things he (I think) wants, hence the new "void."

    This really made me think, so I commend you for that. This kind of interpretation isn't my forte, though, so I also got a bit confused. :S

    I also don't really know how to review this. Interesting, to say the least. You described the emotions of Mewtwo very well with the calculating, curious voice I would imagine, not quite bawling over his dilemma but rather just wishing to explore it.

    Nice work.
    These tickets and passports will lead me home...
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Umbreon Ruler View Post
    I thought this was Mewtwo, but now I'm not so sure. Making something out of nothing (being created from a single Mew gene), memories of being outside at one time (the Mew gene in him and the memories that came with it), in captivity and questioning his existence. It has to be Mewtwo, right? The end, however, threw me off, since I wasn't sure if it was a literal destruction of the world around him or him realizing he's not human and therefore not capable of the things he (I think) wants, hence the new "void."

    This really made me think, so I commend you for that. This kind of interpretation isn't my forte, though, so I also got a bit confused. :S

    I also don't really know how to review this. Interesting, to say the least. You described the emotions of Mewtwo very well with the calculating, curious voice I would imagine, not quite bawling over his dilemma but rather just wishing to explore it.

    Nice work.
    Thank you, it's a relief to hear I wrote well after being away from all writing, especially prose, for so long. It's not a Mewtwo though. I used the pokemon I did based on one of its Pokedex entries, and actually, I didn't truly start "using" that pokemon till I was nearly halfway through the story, which is when I realized how perfect it would be.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  6. #6
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    Sorry for SPAMming this thread a bit, but I just got (hopefully this is what you intended) that this story is about the inside of a Pok&#233; Ball... right? Maybe that was obvious to everyone else. Or maybe I'm wrong. :/

    I still have no idea on the Pok&#233;mon, though. If can think of it, I'll edit this post with my guess so as not to further SPAM your story. I'm having a strange amount of fun with this. XD
    These tickets and passports will lead me home...
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/x5e1a8.jpg[/IMG]
    [Credit to ~.:Northern Lights:.~ for the incredible banner.]

  7. #7
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    Yep. That's definitely part of it. When I started writing, that was all I had in mind, the rest developed with the story. There's more to it than just being a poke ball though.

    I'm surprised the pokemon hasn't been figured out yet though; I really thought it would be easier to guess. Although, I did write this, so of course it's obvious to me. XD

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



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