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Thread: Beat the System

  1. #1
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    Default Beat the System

    Rated PG-13 for violence, swearing, and slight sexual...stuff.

    My first attempt at a Pokemon fanfic. It's an OT fic, revolving around a trainer...well, you can probably figure the rest out.

    Also, I love and encourage constructive criticism, no matter how harsh. So if you have a problem with the fic, feel free to tell me.

    And so, without further ado...Chapter 1: Another New Beginning
        Spoiler:- Clicky:
    Last edited by Gallyrat; 21st August 2010 at 10:23 PM.

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    I clicked on this not expecting a lot. My expectations were blown completely out of the water. I found it a fairly enjoyable read. Different then the usual journey fic beginning. It was a nice change. The spoiler tags aren't really necessary, but there is nothing wrong with them.

    My only sort of nitpick with it is that the woman working the registration didn't bat an eye at the young guy who registered. Would that not be a bit suspicious? Besides that, I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors. Also, it's not a big deal, but for my writing I usually capitalize all Pokemon names. I would also like to see the ages of Cecilia and Robert, but that could be for a later chapter too.

    Kent smiled sadly. “C’mon, Scout. You know the rules. I can’t pre-owned bring Pokemon in, it’s unfair. If you really wanted to, they could de-level you, but is that what you want? You’d have to devolve.”
    You should usually add a comma when you are addressing someone in a sentence, like in the situation above. IT can be before, or after the name.

    The chapter was a nice length. The traveling partners were a nice touch, and Buizel is a nice change from the usual starters. I also liked the mention of Hammer Space. Just makes you wonder sometimes...

    All in all, it was a great read. I look forward to future chapters.

    By the way, have you done any writing before? If not, this is really good for a first timer.
    Last edited by Charoshi; 21st August 2010 at 3:20 AM.
    SoulSilver BQ



    Wonderful Banner by Golden Jet!!!!!
    Chapter 9 is up!! (Still Shocking!)

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charoshi View Post
    I clicked on this not expecting a lot. My expectations were blown completely out of the water. I found it a fairly enjoyable read. Different then the usual journey fic beginning. It was a nice change. The spoiler tags aren't really necessary, but there is nothing wrong with them.

    My only sort of nitpick with it is that the woman working the registration didn't bat an eye at the young guy who registered. Would that not be a bit suspicious? Besides that, I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors. Also, it's not a big deal, but for my writing I usually capitalize all Pokemon names. I would also like to see the ages of Cecilia and Robert, but that could be for a later chapter too.



    You should usually add a comma when you are addressing someone in a sentence, like in the situation above. IT can be before, or after the name.

    The chapter was a nice length. The traveling partners were a nice touch, and Buizel is a nice change from the usual starters. I also liked the mention of Hammer Space. Just makes you wonder sometimes...

    All in all, it was a great read. I look forward to future chapters.

    By the way, have you done any writing before? If not, this is really good for a first timer.
    Well I'm glad I impressed someone. Thanks for reviewing.

    About the attendant...yeah, I was worried about that. Obviously she can't get too curious, or else she'd call the incident in and the story would be over before it even started. Kent's cheating his way through the registration process will be addressed, but not right now. She was amazed though:

    The attendant behind the desk looked at him quizzically, but her expression quickly shifted to genuine amazement when she scanned his card, and was met with a small beep of approval.
    The in-story reason she didn't investigate is there usually aren't incidents like this. Computers handle most of the registration conduct, and if the computers approve something, who is she to disagree? Also...PLC attendants don't tend to be all that intelligent, really they're just a helpful face. Computers do all the heavy lifting.

    The comma: Didn't catch that, thanks. I'll do another proofread and see if I can find any other mistakes.

    Ages: Seth is 17. Cecelia will be soon. They were accepted at 16 and as they said, this is their second year. I probably should've included that in the chapter, but I'll bring it up later.

    Writing: I have actually done some writing before, at Fanfiction.net. My first stories were bad, but they're gone now. And I learned.

    Again, thanks for the review. It really means a lot to know someone liked it.

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    You're very welcome. I felt the need to encourage you to keep this up. When I first started writing, I had a lot of helpful reviewers to help me learn the ropes. I still do. A review for me is a great motivator to keep doing my best. I saw a lot of potential in your first chapter, and wanted you to know that.

    Another thing I forgot to mention, is baring things like addresses and phone numbers, you should always spell out your numbers. For example, you say eighteen instead of 18. Forgot to mention that in my first post, so I'll mention it here.

    That aside, I look forward to all your future work.
    SoulSilver BQ



    Wonderful Banner by Golden Jet!!!!!
    Chapter 9 is up!! (Still Shocking!)

  5. #5

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    This was really enjoyable to read.
    I felt sad when that guy who waited eighteen years to challenge the league died. He only got 4 sentences

    But i cannot wait for more


    I don't have nobody
    But what I might feel are the sounds of sanity
    Hoping what i hear, loops itself continuously
    Then i will not be afraid

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    Keith finished stuffing an extra pair of clothes down into his seemingly unending backpack and glanced down at the Pokemon between his legs. “Oh hey Scout,” He said, picking up the Linoone. I’m going on a trip.
    You called him Keith instead of Kent.

    This was a very interesting start to an ot fic, one that I've never seen before, so good job. Excited for more!
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

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    The only qualm I really have with your story is how quick your transitions are from point A to point C. Usually the middle point (point B) is a somewhat awkward scene break. Some scene breaks are fine, like the one between Kent registering on the computer and where he talks to his linoone. Other times, it kind of looks lazy throwing in a scene break. Here, for example:

    “Oh they’ll steal a lot more than that,” the attendant said, leading Kent back inside.

    “Ew....”

    XXXXXXXXXXXX

    “So you two are my companions,” Kent said as two older trainers followed him out of the PLC.
    Not that meeting the older trainers in some stuffy room would have been interesting, but you kind of just jumped a huge jump here.

    Really, I guess, the huge transitional jumps aren't the problem but rather how you're handling it. You need to have some sort of indicator that relates back to the previous scene so it doesn't seem like we're just jumping around. Or some sort of descriptor that sets up the next scene or something.

    The descriptions are a little skimp and you tend to rely heavily on dialogue to explain information than rather have your narrative/narrator do it for you. While you do describe smaller character interaction (Kent shrugging, looking around, etc.), you didn't really describe any further than that. I'm not really sure what the characters look like, though I'm sure you'll get to that later. And while you don't have to have some huge paragraph that describes the setting (in fact, I highly don't recommend doing that), some small throw outs in between dialogue, like "Kent scuffed his foot against the linoleum" will help build up the scene's setting.

    That being said, I do like that when you do describe, it does seem to have a point rather than it just being random babbling on setting. =P I did like when you had Kent think and when his emotions kind of bled into the narrative. Like here:

    Calm. Calm. He had to think. Had to be careful.

    Alright...I’m young, but the Pokemon League gives rare exceptions if they feel a trainer is especially gifted...I just have to say I tested somewhere big like...Goldenrod! Yes!
    Specifically the first line. You could tell he was getting kind of panicky even if the statement is simple.

    Besides the unusual circumstances behind Kent's registration, I think your characters is what makes your story shine. They're not all that cookie cutter. Kent already has an interesting back story with a past I'm sure is bound to catch up with him (I have a feeling he's not going to have an easy time not only lying about his registration but running away from the Jamesons'). But even so, you can tell he's just an excited little kid who got a lucky break and is going to take it. I also really liked the naming process behind Snickers' name with him being mischievous and stealing his Snickers bar. That was a cute part to imagine. =)

    I do like that your writing style is quick and easy to get through. It is a little fast (again, maybe use your narrator/narrative a bit more to slow down the dialogue train), but every line seems to have importance. I also like how you sometimes refer back to things, like the being eighteen thing to get a trainer I.D.


    Remember to proofread a little closer. Some errors:

    When he reached Parent/Guardian Signature, he ran to his dad’s room and came back with a letter from Ms. Jameson’s signature.
    I think "from" in the bold statement should be "with".

    Since Jamesons is the entire last name, the possessive form of it should be " Jamesons's " or " Jamesons' ".

    Kent was so lost in thought that he almost didn’t notice the wallet on the ground
    You're missing a period here. Also, I assume this is Jason's wallet, so did the robber somehow drop the wallet or ... something?

    A small brown Pokemon stood a few feet in front of Kent, it’s back turned to him. It was standing on it’s hind legs, but it’s build suggested it could drop down to four if it was nessecary. There were small blue fins on it’s...arms, Kent supposed, and a yellow thing that reminded Kent of a floaty circled it’s neck.
    "Nessecary" should be "necessary".

    All the "it's" you have in this paragraph should just be "its". "It's" = it is. "Its" doesn't have a possessive form, like "Snickers' tail".

    Buizel however, was not paying attention, and was instead sniffing the air thoughtfully. He trotted around Kent ad began nosing at the top of his pack.
    There should be a comma in between "Buizel" and "however". The comma between "attention" and "and" isn't needed. Andddd "ad" should be "and".

    For the record, the only time you need a comma before a conjunction (words like "and" and "but") is when both sides of the conjunction can stand alone as its own sentence. Things like

    He went to the restaurant but was not hungry.

    don't need the comma because the part in red (was not hungry) isn't a complete sentence. Things like

    He went to the restaurant, and he ordered a hamburger.

    need the comma because both the blue and red section can stand alone as its own sentence.

    Really, it's not a big deal in terms of legibility, and I don't know why I bothered rambling about it. Fun fact? Maybe for future reference? Lulz.


    All in all, you have a good premise here with interesting characters. Some areas could be tweaked a bit, but it's a pretty solid start.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desi Pikachu View Post
    This was really enjoyable to read.
    I felt sad when that guy who waited eighteen years to challenge the league died. He only got 4 sentences

    But i cannot wait for more
    Thanks for the read and review. Glad you like it.

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    You called him Keith instead of Kent.

    This was a very interesting start to an ot fic, one that I've never seen before, so good job. Excited for more!
    Ouch. Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out, and I'm glad you like it.


    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    The only qualm I really have with your story is how quick your transitions are from point A to point C. Usually the middle point (point B) is a somewhat awkward scene break. Some scene breaks are fine, like the one between Kent registering on the computer and where he talks to his linoone. Other times, it kind of looks lazy throwing in a scene break. Here, for example:

    Not that meeting the older trainers in some stuffy room would have been interesting, but you kind of just jumped a huge jump here.

    Really, I guess, the huge transitional jumps aren't the problem but rather how you're handling it. You need to have some sort of indicator that relates back to the previous scene so it doesn't seem like we're just jumping around. Or some sort of descriptor that sets up the next scene or something.
    I understand what you're saying here, and to be honest I wasn't all that thrilled with the transition either...but by that point this thing had been sitting in my computer for a week, and I really wanted to hammer the first chapter out. Afterwards I just couldn't bring myself to write that scene. I will try to avoid this in the future though.

    The descriptions are a little skimp and you tend to rely heavily on dialogue to explain information than rather have your narrative/narrator do it for you. While you do describe smaller character interaction (Kent shrugging, looking around, etc.), you didn't really describe any further than that. I'm not really sure what the characters look like, though I'm sure you'll get to that later. And while you don't have to have some huge paragraph that describes the setting (in fact, I highly don't recommend doing that), some small throw outs in between dialogue, like "Kent scuffed his foot against the linoleum" will help build up the scene's setting.
    Yeah, I wasn't too description heavy in this chapter. Usually I save the descriptions for later chapters, as I tend to let the characters establish their personalities before saying what they look like.

    Remember to proofread a little closer. Some errors:

    I think "from" in the bold statement should be "with".

    Since Jamesons is the entire last name, the possessive form of it should be " Jamesons's " or " Jamesons' ".

    You're missing a period here. Also, I assume this is Jason's wallet, so did the robber somehow drop the wallet or ... something?

    "Nessecary" should be "necessary".

    All the "it's" you have in this paragraph should just be "its". "It's" = it is. "Its" doesn't have a possessive form, like "Snickers' tail".

    There should be a comma in between "Buizel" and "however". The comma between "attention" and "and" isn't needed. Andddd "ad" should be "and".

    For the record, the only time you need a comma before a conjunction (words like "and" and "but") is when both sides of the conjunction can stand alone as its own sentence. Things like

    He went to the restaurant but was not hungry.

    don't need the comma because the part in red (was not hungry) isn't a complete sentence. Things like

    He went to the restaurant, and he ordered a hamburger.

    need the comma because both the blue and red section can stand alone as its own sentence.

    Really, it's not a big deal in terms of legibility, and I don't know why I bothered rambling about it. Fun fact? Maybe for future reference? Lulz.
    Thanks for that, getting grammatical errors pointed out is always nice, as I tend to breeze over some of them when I'm proofreading. Fixed most of them, but the Jamesons issue was not a typo. I've edited to make this clearer, but it is Ms. Jameson, not Ms. Jamesons.

    All in all, you have a good premise here with interesting characters. Some areas could be tweaked a bit, but it's a pretty solid start.
    Glad you liked it. Thanks for the praise and constructive criticism, tips like that will help me tweak the second chapter.

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    And now, Chapter 2: Thunderstorm

        Spoiler:- Clicky:
    Last edited by Gallyrat; 28th August 2010 at 7:23 PM.

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    Oh, I know how you feel with the writer's block thing. Happened to me yesterday (but I was also having computer trouble). I just felt like there wasn't a flow with my words. But I liked the chapter; the creepy sitter guy was a good action-type scene.
        Spoiler:- Just a few corrections:


    Anyway, nice job and all, this chapter was great!
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Oh, I know how you feel with the writer's block thing. Happened to me yesterday (but I was also having computer trouble). I just felt like there wasn't a flow with my words. But I liked the chapter; the creepy sitter guy was a good action-type scene.
        Spoiler:- Just a few corrections:


    Anyway, nice job and all, this chapter was great!
    Thanks for the praise and the corrections, glad you liked it.

    Yeah, pokemon can directly attack trainers in my version of the league. I thought it would add a new element to battles if trainers have to focus on defending themselves on top of coming up with strategies.

    However, the attacking trainers rule is rarely used outside gym battles. Don't want to get nearly killed by a pokemon miles away from medical care do you?

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    The third chapter! I know it took forever, but I had some family issues...it's all good now though. Enjoy Chapter 3: Meander


        Spoiler:- Clickers:
    Last edited by Gallyrat; 4th October 2010 at 2:10 AM.

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    Hey, awesome chapter.
    and it’s mane begins to spark violently.
    "It's" doesn't need an apostrophe when used to show possession. So it should be "its."
    This was a good start to the next day in their journey. Sure it was missing a little action and maybe you can add some more description of the setting, but you did do well with the characterization.

    So overall, nice job.
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

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    Thanks for the review Ghastly, it helps to know somebody likes it.

    Anway, this chapter has more action, but it's the shortest so far (I think) Enjoy!

    Chapter 4: Baptism

        Spoiler:- Viola:

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    (cheers)
    Once again, this chapter didn't disappoint. So, now we start to witness the consequences of Kent's actions - or foreshadowing, at least.

    I do have an issue with your usage of apostrophes. Remember that "it's" is a contraction of "it is," whereas "its" is used to show possession of something that is belonging to "it. Also, to show possession of something belonging to Snickers, put the apostrophe at the end of his name, like so:
    “Shut it,” Kent muttered, bouncing Snickers' pokeball in his palm again.
    Also: Kent's personality is somewhat conflicting. It is good that you are trying to portray him in both a positive and negative light to show that he is indeed human, but this:
    “Snickers!” Kent shouted. “Get up! Get up dammit!”
    vs. this
    “Ah, screw you,” Kent said good naturedly, pulling out Snickers’ pokeball. “I’m out. You can have one later.” With a click of a button, Snickers was recalled to his pokeball.
    ...seem a little conflicting. At first, he is way too harsh on his Pokemon, and then suddenly he's all nice to him.

    Oh wait. Unless Kent's only caring in moments of victory, in which case never mind!

    But still, awesome job. I can tell that there is definitely going to be conflict with Kent's attitude and that of his companions' (besides Noah of course). So. I know that writing battles is hard, but you'll get used to it in time. Keep up the good work, Gallyrat. I'm sure there are other readers that are just lurking out there somewhere (that used to be me!) And great job!
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    (cheers)
    Once again, this chapter didn't disappoint. So, now we start to witness the consequences of Kent's actions - or foreshadowing, at least.

    I do have an issue with your usage of apostrophes. Remember that "it's" is a contraction of "it is," whereas "its" is used to show possession of something that is belonging to "it. Also, to show possession of something belonging to Snickers, put the apostrophe at the end of his name, like so:


    Also: Kent's personality is somewhat conflicting. It is good that you are trying to portray him in both a positive and negative light to show that he is indeed human, but this:

    vs. this

    ...seem a little conflicting. At first, he is way too harsh on his Pokemon, and then suddenly he's all nice to him.

    Oh wait. Unless Kent's only caring in moments of victory, in which case never mind!

    But still, awesome job. I can tell that there is definitely going to be conflict with Kent's attitude and that of his companions' (besides Noah of course). So. I know that writing battles is hard, but you'll get used to it in time. Keep up the good work, Gallyrat. I'm sure there are other readers that are just lurking out there somewhere (that used to be me!) And great job!
    Thanks for reading and reviewing. Sorry about the apostrophes, I'll try to start working on that. Promise.

    But, without further ado, the next chapter! Challenge
        Spoiler:- Clicks:

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    The rest of Kent's journey to Olivine was terribly uninteresting, the highlight being that Kent caught a spearow.
    Maybe capitalize Spearow here.
    He had no interest in Spearow beyond it's use in Kent's upcoming gym battle.
    Use "its" not "it's" =D
    “Two pokemon, both level 0. Yes. I’ll send him right in sir.”
    Level 0?
    He was actually wearing a new sweatshirt, a brown one with a yellow ring on the front, like one an usuring might have.
    Ursaring.

    Great chapter regardless. I was disappointed to see Noah and Faith leave so it's good that they're coming back.

    Sorry for the late review. Homework sucks.
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Maybe capitalize Spearow here.
    I actually did that on purpose - wild pokemon are referred to with a lower case, while captured pokemon that haven't received names are referred to with an upper case.

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Use "its" not "it's" =D
    Its/It's, my eternal enemy. I'll get the hang of it...eventually. Thanks for pointing it out though.

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Level 0?
    Ah! I suppose I should explain this, as it's common knowledge in-universe and I detest simply narrating facts in. (I'll probably find some way to work it in eventually, but...)

    Anyway. Levels. I am actually using a slightly modified version of the level system used by FF.net's Dagzar in his fic Mentor. In game levels, it looks something like this.

    Levels 1-9: Level 0
    Levels 10-19: Level 1
    Levels 20-29: Level 2
    etc, etc.

    The League tournament uses this system to determine what overall level you are, so it is possible to go through an entire league with only level 0 pokemon (though nobody really cares about that tournament, so eh.) More on that later in the fic however. Also, it is much more difficult to level up in the Systemverse, as seen by Sandy, (Seth's starter) who has not yet evolved. I know this is all confusing, so if you have questions just ask.

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Ursaring.
    Doh.

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Great chapter regardless. I was disappointed to see Noah and Faith leave so it's good that they're coming back.

    Sorry for the late review. Homework sucks.
    Thanks for the review, again. And yeah, I wasn't going to abandon Noah and Faith yet. Too many plans....and no problem with the late review. I'm working on the newest chapter, so it should be up before too long.

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    Next Chapter, The Gym of the Earth

        Spoiler:- Click here:

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    Wow, now that was a good battle scene!

    The only errors you had were in apostrophe usage; a few minor it's vs. its confusions as well as this:
    Kent let out a shaky breath, grabbing Snicker’s pokeball and tossing it up and down. “Then let’s go!”
    Put the apostrophe after the last "s." Most names you put it after the last letter and add an S, such as "Kent's," but this is different since there is that S at the end of Snickers' name.

    And now, I am quite worried about Victor. Although I'm glad Kent won.
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

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