Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Secrets of Time

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    In my dreams
    Posts
    60

    Post Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Secrets of Time

    [Rated PG-13 for mild fantasy violence, peril, and themes of death]

    This is my second Pokemon Mystery Dungeon fanfiction. POKEMON MYSTERY DUNGEON: SECRETS OF TIME

    When a lone Piplup washes up on a beach during a beautiful sunset she and several other pokemon are dragged into an adventure of a lifetime. They will meet many friends, many enemies, and find secrets and worlds that they didn't even know about. A story of friendship, trust, betrayal, hate, and darkness!

    And before you say I'm repeating the EXACT same storyline as the game you are wrong. It might seem the same but because of the twists several parts are different and some parts of the game that aren't major to the storyline are cut out.

        Spoiler:- Character List:



    And now...the adventure begins!


    Prologue

    Two shadowed figures darted through the trees and bushes, the sounds of several footsteps now far behind them.

    "Did we loose them?" The tallest one, a Grovyle asked as he and his partner stopped to catch their breath. "I think so." The smaller one, a Piplup replied "I don't sense their Auras anymore."

    The Grovyle spoke again "Let get going, we don't want them to catch up. We've gone too far to get caught again."

    The Piplup nodded and the duo of pokemon took off once more through the dark forest.

    A bright light soon shown in the distance, the duo had reached their destination.

    Bursting out of the forest the two came to a stop before a glowing blue tunnel it's glowing light pulsing rythmically, casting light against the grey soil.

    “Kenta, Marie, you’re here.” A voice came from somewhere.

    A small light appeared not to far from where the duo stood and a small pink pokemon appeared.

    “Hello Celebi” The Piplup, Marie greeted the pokemon.

    “I assume you two are ready to go through The Passage of Time?” Celebi asked.

    The Grovyle, Kenta, nodded “Yes, we are ready.” He said.

    The duo of pokemon went through The Passage of Time in front of them, they were ready, ready to complete their mission.

    Marie and Kenta continued to travel through The Passage of Time, several past events could be seen as they flashed before the duo's eyes.

    "This is amazing!" Kenta exclaimed "We can see things that have happened in the past!"

    Marie was facinated by the past events that flashed before them. However, it was then that she sensed an evil presense behind her and Kenta.

    Turning around she saw a black shadow, headed straight for Kenta.

    "Kenta look out!" Marie yelled running as the shadow fired an attack at her partner.

    Marie sheilded Kenta and took the attack for him, causing her to yell in pain and then lean over cluching her chest, the attack had hurt her badly.

    There was a crack and then the sound of shatering glass could be heard.

    The ground below Marie caved in, causing her to fall.

    Kenta grabbed Marie before she could fall any further, struggling to fight the strong winds now blowing through the hole in the ground.

    "Don't let go!" Kenta yelled to Marie.

    "I-I can't! I'm slipping!" Marie called back.

    "We're almost there Marie just hang on!"

    "No I can't I'm"

    "Ahhhhhh!"

    Marie slipped from her partner's grasp and plumeted into the raging waters below.

    The last thing she heard was Kenta calleng her name. Then, nothing.


    I know the prologue is short but trust me, the next chapters will be longer.

    Hope you enjoyed. Feedback is always welcome^^
    Last edited by Piplup-Luv; 25th September 2010 at 8:30 PM.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Your basement
    Posts
    1,424

    Default

    I must stress that you must give some originality to this peice. As I have before, when you play trough a game 2 or 3 times you kin of get bored of the same story, even if it's written in novel format. It's like reading a book based exactly events of a play you've seen- you know what will happen, so suspense and intrigue is pretty much nonexistent, even if it's a different format then the original piece you saw/read. Luckily some of the characters listed in the character list are original to this storyline, so maybe I'm saying all that for nothing.

    No originality=not something I'll read, and probalbly many other people agree.

    The only other complaint I have is that it includes time travel, which is impossible and shouldn't even have been put in the PMD2 storyline. Things with time travel repel me unless they are interesting enough.
    3DS FC (Pokemon X): 1848-1667-7668
    Friend safari is Ice with Snorunt, Beartic, and Cloyster. Looking for Dragon safaris, safaris with Whirlipede or Espurr, and Y-exclusive Mega Stones.

    Shiny Chains (D/P): Ralts, Magnemite, Beldum
    Targets: Shinx
    Shiny Chains (X/Y): None
    Targets: Clauncher/Clawitzer, Swirlix, Smeargle



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Discworld
    Posts
    136

    Default

    I agree with Skydra that your PMD fic needs a bit of improvement in the originality department.

    The smaller one, a Piplup replied "I don't sense their Auras anymore."
    I never knew piplups could sense aura.

    The duo of pokemon went through the tunnel in front of them, they were ready, ready to complete their mission.
    The Passage of Time is just a tunnel? That's it? A hole in the wall? The games depict the Passage of Time as the most colorful thing (it's bright blue-white) in the monochrome dark future. Having it become just a small tunnel is a bit boring, in my opinion.

    Time traveling is, of course, a big thing in PMD2, but it wouldn't hurt to describe the process a bit more thoroughly. All you have is:

    Marie and Kenta saw several past events as the continued to move through the tunnel.
    That's not enough to paint a picture in my mind or anyone else's mind. How are they seeing it? Are they gazing through windows and looking glass-like things? Or are the images flashing before their eyes?

    So that is all. I love PMD fics, but all of them seem to follow the exact same plot as the game, and it's no fun to read them anymore.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    In my dreams
    Posts
    60

    Default

    Skydra: Thank you for the tip. I will try to make the story more original as it progresses.

    Mallymkun: The piplup can sense aura because of her real backstory which I probably will be posting here as well. I also couldn't think of a better way to describe the Passage of Time or their time travel. I'll go and fix those parts so that they're better and more detailed.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    In my dreams
    Posts
    60

    Default

    Chapter 1

    “Hey are you ok?” someone with a young voice asked “Wake up…”

    “Huh?” Marie asked as she slowly opened her eyes. She saw a Torchic standing over her

    “Hiya!” The Torchic said “I glad that you’re ok. You weren’t moving and I was worried!”

    Marie looked around her, she was on a beach, several rainbow tinted bubbles were floating around it, making the sunset seem more beautiful then it already was. “Where am I?” She asked the Torchic.

    “A beach near Treasure Town” It replied.

    “Treasure Town?” Marie said in confusion.

    “I’m guessing you aren’t from around here huh?” The Torchic questioned.

    “I…I don’t know where I’m from” Marie replied sadly “all I remember is my name and the fact that I have a big task ahead of me.”

    “Oh” The Torchic said “Well can you tell me your name then? Mine is Lilly.”

    “I’m Marie” Marie explained. “Hey Marie…” Lilly began “since you have nowhere to go well… would you like to form an Exploration Team with me? We'll be able to search for treasure and explore new places! Who knows, maybe you'll find out what happened to you and what that task you mentioned is.”

    Lilly's right Marie thought I have nowhere to go and I don't have any clue what I'm supposed to do is. I guess it wouldn't hurt to form a team with her.

    "I've always wanted to be an explorer but..." Lilly looked sad, Marie could sense it. "I'm a coward sometimes so I run away."

    Marie felt sad for Lilly, wanting to cheer her up spoke again “I’d like to form a team with you.”

    “Really?" Lilly asked. Marie nodded. “Come on then! Let’s go to Wigglytuff’s Guild! That's where all Exploration Teams are formed!” Lilly exclaimed in happiness.

    With those words the two pokemon ran across the beach and down a long path towards a large building in the distance.

    This... is where their adventure really began...


    The begining of the story is sorta the same but don't worry, it will get better.
    Feedback is always welcome.^^
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •