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Thread: The Rising Darkness

  1. #1
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    Default The Rising Darkness

    [Rated PG-13 for mild fantasy violence, peril, and themes of death]

    This is my version of what happened after the final boss, Darkrai, in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Time/Darkness/Sky. (And the first Fanfic I ever wrote)

    It stars my team in Time (with a few changes) and my Team in Darkness. It'll also reveal some of the REAL past of one of my characters in my other Pokemon MD fanfic has.

    Note: This has no relation to my other Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Fanfic at all. The only thing that is the same is one of the characters.



    Now... let the story begin


    Prologue

    A young Piplup burst through a bush and towards the forests of Sinnoh as she tried to escape the trainers chasing her. This Piplup was obviously no ordinariy Piplup. Her colors were like no other. They were not the normal blues or the teals of a shiny. No, her colors matched those of a Riolu. Her upper body and head were a light blue, her cape was tan, and the lower part of her body was almost black She had a power like no other Piplup would ever have. She had the ability to sense aura.

    As the Piplup ran she questioned over and over why she had decided to leave home in the first place. Why didn't she just stay where it had been safe and hidden?

    Marie looked behind her as she entered a forest, narrowly dodging a Trainer's Swellow as it swoopped down to grab her. A Pokeball flew at the Piplup, causing her to ready a blue orb in her flippers, an Aura Sphere attack. She threw the glowing sphere at the pokeball, causing it to blow up.

    The explosion created a grey smoke, giving the Penguin Pokemon time to get farther away from the trainers and their pokemon who were now blinded.

    “I want to get away from this place, from this world filled with humans," she said as she continued to run, "They want me for my powers.” The Piplup was getting tired but she knew that she could not rest and let herself be caught. Who am I kidding, she thought sadly, It would take a miracle to get out of this mess.

    As if on cue, or maybe it just fate, a strange light began to surround her, leaving Marie confused and scared. Had she been caught by a trainer? Had they managed to catch her in a pokeball?

    Marie slipped into unconsciousness and then, she vanished.

    Meanwhile, behind a tree a lizard-like pokemon stood, he had escaped who he was inprisoned by, at least for the moment. “I wish I could help you young Piplup but I can’t, not the way I am now.” He sighed sadly as if regretting something he had done. “Be brave Piplup, it is up to you to stop what is soon to come.” With those final words the lizard pokemon was pulled into darkness.


    Short prologue is short but chapter's will get longer so don't worry.

    Hope you enjoyed. Feedback is always welcome.
    Last edited by Piplup-Luv; 21st November 2010 at 11:04 PM.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  2. #2
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    Hey there, I see your new to this section, so I'll go ahead and give you a review of your prologue and see what I can help you with!

    Okay, first off: too short. Prologue's are meant to be short, but we do expect something more than three paragraphs. You could have also fleshed these paragraphs out more--why just say Marie was a Piplup when you could actually describe her attributes? And her Riolu color, what parts are colored which? Is the crown black, the cape light blue, etc.

    You're also leaving us off the edge of a cliff, here. Why is Marie colored differently, and what reasons are the people chasing her for? If you're telling this from Marie's view, then she would at least know why the people were chasing her, or if they had just seen her and begun to run after her, she may hhave been more scared than she might have been otherwise. And why did the light suddenly surround her, and who was the lizard-Pokemon?

    It's prefectly alright to leave things unexplained until later on in the story, but you're just giving us no basis at all here. Give us a bit of background, flesh out the main characters more--if you want the lizard-one to be cloaked in mystery until later, okay, but at least let us know some more about your characters, or else we'll be utterly confused as to why these events are happening.

    A few grammar errors:

    “I want to get away from this place, from this world filled with humans," she said as she continued to run, "They want me for my powers.”
    Remeber to put commas in the appropriate spots (I made them red for you).

    Who am I kidding, she thought sadly, It would take a miracle to get out of this mess.
    I'm pretty sure that S would be lowercased since it is running on from the previous sentence. I am actually not sure (grammar is not one of my strong points (^^;, but I think you do need commas after the thoughts, and right before you run into another one.

    This seems like it could be a pretty interesting story, and I would like to see where you could go with this. So I hope to be able to review you again in the future!


    EDIT: Apparently, I forgot to tell you to read the Fanfiction rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors They're long, but way worth reading.
    Last edited by starliteevee; 21st September 2010 at 10:05 PM.

  3. #3
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    Starliteevee: Thanks for pointing out my mistakes, I'll go back and fix those later. I'll make the prologue a bit longer too

    Marie's full backstory will be posted as a separate fanfic so I didn't explain much here.^^;

    Thanks for the review.

    EDIT: Made the Prologue a bit longer


    Chapter 1

    A lone Pikachu stopped in front of large cave on the left side of a beach during a senset. Krabby were blowing rainbow tinted bubbles into the air, making the sunset seem more beautiful then it already was.

    "Well" The Pikachu began "Hopefully I can finally find someone who would like to form an Exploration Team with me in here today."

    The Pikachu entered the cave, its sea-blue and indigo walls shown brightly from the little light that was inside.

    The Pikachu began to wander down a path to his left, taking out a Corsala that jumpped at him with a Thunderbolt attack.

    After traveling through many passageways he stopped in a large room where he found a set of stairs. Heading up them he entered, yet again, another room.

    The Pikachu took a path behind him and continued on until, suddenly, he tripped over something on the ground.

    "Ow..." The Pikachu groaned as he got to his feet, "What did I trip on?"

    The Pikachu turned only to find a Piplup sprawled out on its back in front of him, it was unconscious.

    Worried about the Piplup the Pikachu ran over to it. “H-Hey are you alright?” he asked “Wake up”


    Marie slowly opened her eyes to see a young Pikachu standing before her. “What a relief” It said “You weren’t moving and I was worried.”

    “Where? Where am I?” Marie asked “What is this place?” “Beach Cave” The Pikachu replied. “Beach Cave?” Marie said confused “That’s not in the Sinnoh Region, could I be in Hoenn, Kanto, Jhoto?”

    “You’re rather odd” The Pikachu said “Our legends say that humans live in those places, there aren’t any humans here.” Good... Marie thought.

    “By the way, you never told me your name” The Pikachu interrupted Marie’s thoughts “Oh, my name is Marie” Marie said “I’m Sparky” The Pikachu told her.

    It was silent for a moment but the silece was soon broken by Sparky as he began to speak.

    “Marie do you have anywhere to live?” he asked “No” Marie replied. “Well if you don’t then..." Sparky stopped, "Then do you want to come to Wigglytuff's Guild with me and form an Exploration Team?”

    He's right, I don't have anywhere to go Marie said to herself mentaly I don't know what an Exploration Team is but it wouldn't hurt to find out. Who knows, maybe it'll be fun. "Sure!" Marie replied to Sparky's question.

    Sparky jumped into the air in joy, he was obviously happy about Marie's decision.

    Marie and Sparky left Beach Cave and then started their journey to Wigglytuff's Guild to form a team.

    This... is where their story begins.


    Hope you enjoyed. Feedback is always welcome^^
    Last edited by Piplup-Luv; 22nd September 2010 at 1:00 AM.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  4. #4
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    Sorry this hasn't been updated for awhile, I've been working on another fanfic.


    Chapter 2


    Marie and Sparky walked up a path surrounded by trees and into an intersection with four paths.

    "This is called the Crossroads" Sparky explained. "That leads to Treasure Town." he said pointing down the left path.

    "Where does that path lead?" Marie asked pointing to a path on the right.

    "That leads to the Mystery Dungeons." Sparky answered. "What are Mystery Dungeons?" Marie questioned.

    "Mystery Dungeons are... well... it's hard to explain really." Sparky replied, "all I know is that Exploration Teams go into them to rescue other pokemon, catch outlaws, or just explore. The only thing is... the layout of a Mystery Dungeon and the items found in them change every time you go in for some reason."

    "They sound like interesting places." Marie comented after Sparky finished explaining.

    It was then silent for a moment until Sparky spoke again. "We better get to the guild" he said pointing to the path ahead, "as we need to form our team before nightfall."

    With those words, the duo of friends started to made their way up the many steps that Sparky had said led to the guild.

    After finally reaching the top Marie collapsed on the ground panting, you'd think they could at least put in an elevator or something she thought.

    “Hey Marie" Sparky began "What do you think that grate is for?” Marie looked ahead as she stood up, "I'm not sure Sparky" she replied.

    “I’ll check it out” Sparky said as he stepped onto the grate.

    A few seconds later Sparky jumpped into the air in surprise as a voice came unexpectedly from below.

    “POKEMON DETECTED!” The voice said. “WHOSE FOOTPRINT?!” A second voice asked. “THE FOOTPRINT IS PIKACHU’S!” The first voice replied.

    “That was... disturbing.” Sparky said “HEY PIKACHU!” The second voice yelled “YOU HAVE SOMEONE WITH YOU, GET THEM TO STAND ON THE GRATE!!” I guess they mean you Marie Sparky said as he faced the Piplup behind him. Marie stood on the grate and, like Sparky, jummped in shock as the same thing happened.

    “POKEMON DETECTED!” The first voice said again. “WHOSE FOOTPRINT?!” The second voice asked once more “THE FOOTPRINT IS PIPLUP’S!” The first voice replied.

    Sparky and Marie looked forward as a gate covering the guild entrance opened. Sparky began jumping around with excitement as they walked in.

    The duo looked around and saw a sign with a big arrow pointing at a ladder. "They sure do want visitors to know where to go don't they?" Sparky said before he and Marie went down the ladder in front of them.

    Once down the ladder the duo looked around in amazement, several pokemon filled the room.

    "Wow..." Sparky said in awe "Look at all the Pokemon! Are they all Exploration Teams?!"

    “Hey you two,” someone called from behind the two friends. Marie and Sparky turned around to see a parrot-like pokemon which Marie quickly identified as a Chatot.

    “You are the ones that just came in right?” The chatot asked “Yep” Sparky replied smiling. “Well get out, we don’t have time for salespeople.” The chatot ordered.

    “Uh, we aren’t salespeople,” Marie explained confused. “We want to form an Exploration Team!” Sparky said proudly.

    “A child wanting to form an Exploration Team, how odd” The chatot muttered quietly.

    “What did you say?” Marie asked him. “What? Oh nothing, it was nothing,” the Chatot replied stressfully, “come with me.”

    “Ok, that guy is weird” Sparky whispered to Marie “No kidding.” she replied.

    Chatot led the duo to a room where a Wigglytuff stood, his back to all of them. “Guildmaster, these two want to join the guild.” Chatot explained.

    The Guildmaster didn’t reply. “Uh….Guildmaster?” Chatot asked confused. “Hiya!” the Guildmaster, a Wigglytuff, said turning around.

    “We want to form an Exploration Team, Guildmaster.” Sparky said happily, he was obviously excited about this. “Yay! We’re all friends now!” Wigglytuff said dancing around, Marie could only stand there and laugh silently at the Guildmaster's childish personalitiy.

    “How odd...” Chatot said looking at Marie. “What?” Sparky asked. “Well, I’ve never seen such an unusual-looking Piplup. Her head and the upper part of her body are a light blue, the lower part of her body is black, and lastly, her neck and back are tan. Her colors match those of a Riolu!” Chatot said.

    Marie looked at Chatot with a confused look on her face. “And is there a problem with that?” She asked annoyed. “No you’re a special piplup!” Wigglytuff said still dancing. “Now, what will your team name be?” he asked.

    “Team Heroes!” Sparky said "because it sounds really cool."

    “I like that name!” Wigglytuff said happily. “From now on you two are an official Exploration Team.”

    Wigglytuff placed a light brown box and a bag in front of Marie and Sparky. "What's this?" Marie asked pointing at the box.

    "I know what it is!" Sparky said opening the small box "This has all the things beginner Exploration Teams like us need."

    "That's interesting," Marie said "and what's the bag for?"

    "That's our Treasure Bag." Sparky axplained "we hold the items and money we find in this."

    Marie picked up a shiny object on the ground and looked at it. It had a white circle shape with a pink gem in the center and what looked like wings on both sides.

    "Sparky," Marie began "what's this?"

    "That's your Exploration Team badge." Sparky replied "I have one too"

    "Cool." Marie said turning to Sparky "Lets do our best as an Exploration Team!" She said.

    "Yeah!" Sparky replied.

    Now an official Exploration Team Marie and Sparky will do their best to protect and help those in need, while having many adventures along the way.

    Little did they know that their new adventures would lead to a dangerous mission, a mission that would change their lives forever.
    Last edited by Piplup-Luv; 29th November 2010 at 7:03 PM.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  5. #5
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    Marie and Sparky walked up a path surrounded by trees and into an intersection with four paths.
    "This is called the Crossroads." Sparky explained. "That leads to Treasure Town." he said pointing down the left path.
    It was then silent for a moment until Sparky spoke again. "We better get to the guild," he said pointing to the path ahead, "as we need to form our team before nightfall."
    “Hey Marie," Sparky began "What do you think that grate is for?” Marie looked ahead as she stood up, "Well, i'm not sure Sparky." she replied.
    “I’ll check it out.” Sparky said as he stepped onto the grate.
    The duo looked around and saw a sign with a big arrow pointing at a ladder. "They sure do want visitors to know where to go don't they?" Sparky said before he and Marie went down the ladder in front of them.
    “Hey you two,” someone called from behind the two friends. Marie and Sparky turned around to see a parrot-like pokemon which Marie quickly identified as a Chatot.

    “You are the ones that just came in right?” The chatot asked “Yep.” Sparky replied smiling. “Well get out, we don’t have time for salespeople.” The chatot ordered.
    “Uh, we aren’t salespeople,” Marie explained confused. “We want to form an Exploration Team!” Sparky said proudly.
    “A child wanting to form an Exploration Team, how odd...” The chatot muttered quietly.

    “What did you say?” Marie asked him. “What? Oh nothing, it was nothing,” the Chatot replied stressfully, “come with me.”
    “Ok, that guy is weird.” Sparky whispered to Marie “No kidding.” she replied.
    Chatot led the duo to a room where a Wigglytuff stood, his back to all of them. “Guildmaster, these two want to join the guild.” Chatot explained.
    “We want to form an Exploration Team, Guildmaster.” Sparky said happily, he was obviously excited about this. “Yay! We’re all friends now!” Wigglytuff said dancing around, Marie could only stand there and laugh silently at the Guildmaster's childish personalitiy.
    “How odd...” Chatot said looking at Marie. “What?” Sparky asked. “Well, I’ve never seen such an unusual-looking Piplup. Her head and the upper part of her body are a light blue, the lower part of her body is black, and lastly, her neck and back are tan. Her colors match those of a Riolu!” Chatot said.
    "I know what it is!" Sparky said opening the small box "This has all the things beginner Exploration Teams like us need."
    "That's interesting," Marie said "and what's the bag for?"
    "Sparky," Marie began "what's this?"
    "That's your Exploration Team badge." Sparky replied "I have one too."

    "Cool." Marie said turning to Sparky "Lets do our best as an Exploration Team!" She said.
    All things that should be noted and taken care of.

    Overall, I give this chapter 4 out of 5, Because of the above mistakes, and the fact that this fic has yet to stray to far from the games. I'd suggest having some major changes from the games in later chapters.

  6. #6
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    Resident evil: Thanks, for showing me those, I was in hurry for this one^^;

    It will take a big turn starting the next chapter or the chapter after. A very unexpecting turn.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  7. #7
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    It will take a big turn starting the next chapter or the chapter after. A very unexpecting turn.
    Sounds intresting enough for me to keep reading.

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    Chapter 3

    Sparky had just finished showing Marie around town that afternoon and the duo of friends were standing on a cliff in the shape of a shark-like Pokemon called a Sharpedo.

    "This is Sharpedo Bluff Marie” Sparky said sitting down on the grass. “It’s one of the best and most beautiful places in the region, other than the beach of course.

    “Hey Sparky,” Marie began “Can you keep where I’m from a secret until we meet someone we can trust?”

    “Sure Marie,” Sparky replied, “I still think the fact of coming from another world is strange though.”

    “Sparky, you want to see something stranger than that? Something I can do that is impossible for my species?” Marie asked.

    “Ok Marie,” Sparky said “Let me see!”

    A glowing light blue orb formed in Marie’s flippers and began to grow. “AURA SPHERE!” She yelled throwing the orb, launching her attack.

    “No… way.” Sparky said his eyes wide “How did you…?!” Marie cut him off “I don’t know how I can use that attack but I can,” she said.

    “Hey Sparky!” a voice called from behind. Marie and Sparky turned to see a small orange chick-like Pokemon, a Torchic and a turtle-like one, a Turtwig behind them.

    “Hey guys guess what?” Sparky said, these two were obviously friends of his, “I formed an Exploration Team!”

    “That’s great Sparky” The Turtwig said happily “is that strange Piplup your partner?” The Torchic asked pointing at Marie.

    “Yep, guys I want you to meet Marie” Sparky said. “Marie I want you to meet Lizzie and Forest, the famous Team Forestfire!”

    “Nice to meet you” Marie said to the Torchic and Turtwig, now known Lizzie and Forest.

    “Nice to meet you too Marie” Forest said, “It’s been awhile since we’ve had a newcomer here in Treasure Town.”

    Lizzie looked at the sky, stars were coming out. “You two should get back to the Guild” Lizzie said “You’ll miss dinner if you don’t”

    “Ok then! Bye guys!” Sparky called as he ran off towards the guild, Marie close behind him.


    Later that night Lizzie was leaning against a rock as she stared into the sky. “I miss him Forest.” She said sadly.

    “I do too Lizzie” Forest said back “But it’s been months since that happened, he’s been dead for a long time, there’s nothing we can do to bring him back.”

    “I guess you’re right Forest.” Lizzie said getting into her bed. Once again she looked up at the sky. Grovyle, she thought, I miss you, I hope you’ll never forget me and that I’ll get to see you again someday. Lizzie then closed her eyes, a single tear rolled down her face as she remembered the events that had taken place months ago.


    Meanwhile far away in a cave a Pokemon stood watching the whole thing.

    “Your poor friend misses you” he said to someone behind him “To bad you’re against her now.”

    “NO I’M NOT!!” Another voice yelled “I WOULD NEVER TURN ON LIZZIE!!”

    The first Pokemon turned around and faced the other one who had been chained to the wall, smirking.

    “But Grovyle you work for me now, I just want you to kill your pathetic little friends and those other two Pokemon, then you can go free.”

    Grovyle glared at the one who had enslaved him “I might not have died but there is no way you can make me kill anyone.”
    “Would you rather I kill you instead then?” The first Pokemon asked “Either way Lizzie and Forest will still die.
    “Why you little…” Grovyle growled before he was cut off again.
    “So, which will it be?” The first Pokemon questioned his prisoner, “I suggest you chose to kill them, after all, you know what happens if you don’t obey me.”

    “Torture me as much as you want but I will NEVER change my mind! You can’t make me kill them!” Grovyle snapped back at the mysterious Pokemon.

    The Pokemon only smirked, “very well then” it said, advancing on Grovyle.

    Then, all that could be heard were cries of pain coming from Grovyle as the other Pokemon viciously attacked him.

    Hope you enjoyed, feedback is always welcomed^^
    Last edited by Piplup-Luv; 29th November 2010 at 7:09 PM.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  9. #9
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    "This is Sharpedo Bluff.” Sparky said sitting down on the grass. “It’s one of the best and most beautiful places in the region, other than the beach of course.
    You forgot quotation marks at the beggining of that sentence, a period at the end, forgot the s in places, and you should drop the name in the first sentence altogether.

    “Hey Sparky,” Marie began “Can you keep where I’m from a secret until we meet someone we can trust?”
    You forgot a comma in between those sentences.

    “Sure Marie,” Sparky replied, “I still think the fact of coming from another world is strange, but it’s still cool.”
    You forgot two commas, and while the rest of this doesn't seem to be grammatically incorrect, it just sounds weird. You may just want to chop off that last part: "but it’s still cool."

    “No… way.” Sparky said his eyes wide “How did you…?!” Marie cut him off “I don’t know how I can use that attack but I can.” she said.
    You forgot a period, and used a comma instead of a period.

    Now there are more errors, but I don't want to sound like to much of a grammar nazi. I give this chapter 4.8 out of 5, because it could have been longer and more detailed. Now this fic is starting to get intresting, but not by much. As I said, better description goes a long way in fanfics. Also, I suggest you develop character personalities better in this fic as well.

    Now, if you want, I could proofread your chapters so I could point out errors and parts that could have been done better in advance(Not just this fic but your other one too). Just PM me the chapters and i'd be willing to do that.
    Last edited by Resident evil; 28th November 2010 at 8:00 PM.

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    Resident evil: I really apreciate you showing my mistakes, I'll go back and fix them now.

    I'm not really good at description in fanfics, or developing since I normally make comics instead.

    It's very nice of you to offer to help me like that, I'll think about it as I write the next chapter.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


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    Chapter 4

    “HEY ROOKIES, WAKE UP!!” A loud voice shouted.

    “Alright, alright, I’m up!” Marie yelled back opening her eyes.

    Sparky opened his eyes next “What’s all the yelling about” he asked, his ears ringing.

    “YOUR GOING TO BE LATE THAT’S WHAT!” A purplish Pokemon with speaker-like ears that made his words extremely loud yelled. The Pokemon was a Loudred, Marie identified quickly.

    “NOW GET UP!” The Loudred shouted once more before leaving the room.

    After a few seconds of waiting for their ears to stop ringing Sparky jumped up. “Marie we overslept!” he exclaimed frantically before he and Marie ran out of their room.

    The duo entered a larger room and filled in two empty places net to a group of other Pokemon, obviously other guild members.

    Chatot and Wigglytuff stood in front of all of them. Chatot spoke “Alright everyone let’s not forget the guild oath.”

    Marie looked at Sparky in confusion; he shrugged, he apparently was confused like her.

    “ONE, DON’T SHIRK WORK! TWO, RUN AWAY AND PAY! AND THREE, SMILES GO FOR MILES!”

    “Alright everyone” Chatot said “Time to get to work!” All the guild members started to leave and climb the ladder nearby or went off to do something else.

    “You two” Chatot said to Marie and Sparky as they looked around, unsure what to do, “I want you to come with me.”

    “Come on Marie.” Sparky said before heading off after Chatot who was now waiting by the ladder, Marie following him.

    Once on the first floor of the guild Chatot led Sparky and Marie over to one of the boards nearby and spoke.

    “This board holds all the missions you can do.” He explained.

    “What about that one over there?” Marie asked, pointing towards another board on the other side of the room.

    “That board has missions that involve outlaws. I suggest you do the easy ones when it comes to fighting them.”

    Chatot left without another word, leaving Marie and Sparky alone.

    “Ok Marie” Sparky said looking at the board they were by, “Let’s do this mission here.”

    Marie looked at the paper Sparky has grabbed and read it. “Rescue a Charmander from Beach Cave…” she recited “…sounds easy for beginners like us.”

    “Lets buy some items before we go. Even though Beach Cave is easy… we should probably have a berry or two.”

    Marie nodded at Sparky’s idea before the duo went up the ladder and exited the guild, heading for Treasure Town after leaving.

    Once in Treasure Town the duo went over to a stand where two chameleon-like pokemon with red stripes on their chests, Kecleon.

    “Welcome” the Kecleon said together, one of them was green while the other one was purple.

    “Hi…” Sparky said sheepishly pulling out a few gold-colored coins “…we wanted to buy two Oran Berries.”

    “Sparky” Marie began “what’s that you have?”

    “Oh, it’s the money we use here Marie.” Sparky explained as he gave some of the coins to the green Kecleon in exchange for two dark blue, oval-shaped berries.

    “Thanks Kecleon” Sparky said once retrieving the berries, “bye.”

    As Marie followed Sparky back the way they came and into the Crossroads they heard someone call them.

    The duo turned the direction the voice came from to see Lizzie and Forest running towards them

    “Hi guys” Marie said as the two pokemon stopped before them, receiving the same greeting back.

    “So have you guys chosen a rescue request yet?” Forest asked

    “Yeah.” Sparky replied.

    “Oh,” Lizzie began. “We were wondering if you two want to come on a special and dangerous mission with us”

    Marie and Sparky looked at each other before Marie spoke. “We’ll go with you guys but… did Chatot say it’s ok?” Marie asked them “Yes, he said that you could learn a lot from coming with us.” Forest replied.

    “Sounds good to me!” Sparky exclaimed, obviously excited about the mission they were asked to join.

    “So exactly what is this mission you’re talking about?” Marie asked

    “There was a break out at Officer Magnezone's jail” Lizzie explained.

    “Many of the pokemon are in Midnight forest and are staying together for protection and strength.” Forest continued.

    “I know you guys haven’t done this before but if you handle the weak ones and let us handle the strong ones then everything will be fine.” Lizzie finished.

    “Sounds like a good plan to me.” Marie said in agreement.

    “Alright then,” Lizzie began holding her badge above her, “to Midnight Forest.” She finished.

    The four pokemon were surrounded by a blue light. When the light finaly faded they stood before a large, dark, and ominous forest.

    “What just happened?” Marie asked, looking at Lizzie and Forest.

    “We haven’t figured that out yet either.” Forest replied “Apparently our badges can teleport us to where our mission is.”

    “Ok…that’s kind of weird but whatever.” Sparky muttered under his breath.

    “Well” Lizzie started to say “Let’s go catch us some outlaws.”

    With that, the quadrant of pokemon entered the forest before them. Not knowing what would happen inside.


    Hope you enjoyed, feedback is always welcomed.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  12. #12
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    Sparky opened his eyes next “What’s all the yelling about?” he asked, his ears ringing.

    “YOUR GOING TO BE LATE, THAT’S WHAT!” A purplish Pokemon with speaker-like ears that made his words extremely loud yelled. The Pokemon was a Loudred, Marie identified quickly.
    You forgot a question mark and a comma here.

    After a few seconds of waiting for their ears to stop ringing Sparky jumped up. “We overslept!” he exclaimed frantically before he and Marie ran out of their room.

    The duo entered a larger room and filled in two empty places next to a group of other Pokemon, obviously other guild members.

    Chatot and Wigglytuff stood in front of all of them. Chatot spoke “Alright everyone, let’s not forget the guild oath.”
    You unnecessarily used a name in the first sentence, misspelled 'next', and forgot a comma.

    “Alright everyone,” Chatot said “Time to get to work!” All the guild members started to leave and climb the ladder nearby or went off to do something else.

    “You two,” Chatot said to Marie and Sparky as they looked around, unsure what to do, “I want you to come with me.”
    You forgot two commas here.

    “Ok Marie,” Sparky said looking at the board they were by, “Let’s do this mission here.”
    You forgot a comma here.

    “Welcome.” the Kecleon said together, one of them was green while the other one was purple.
    You forgot a period here.

    “Sparky,” Marie began “what’s that you have?”
    You forgot a comma here.

    “Thanks Kecleon,” Sparky said once retrieving the berries, “bye.”
    You forgot a comma here.

    “Hi guys.” Marie said as the two pokemon stopped before them, receiving the same greeting back.
    You forgot a period here.

    “There was a break out at Officer Magnezone's jail.” Lizzie explained.
    You forgot a period here.

    “Well,” Lizzie started to say “Let’s go catch us some outlaws.”
    You forgot a comma here.

    Alright, I give this chapter 4.8 out of 5, due to the above errors, and the fact that this chapter seemed to contribute little to nothing to the story, and that there were no memorable moments.

  13. #13
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    Thanks for pointing those out, puctuation isn't my strong point^^;

    Alright, I give this chapter 4.8 out of 5, due to the above errors, and the fact that this chapter seemed to contribute little to nothing to the story, and that there were no memorable moments.
    This was pretty much just a filler chapter. The next one, hopefully, will have some more story-related plotline.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


  14. #14
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    Sep 2010
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    Haven't started reading, but:

    You really should be writing in paragraphs, and chapters are way too short. If I cramped up all that text in a chapter, I'd get one or two paragraphs.
    The Chronicles of Black and White- Book 1: Unova Journeys - My fanfic that I've recently started. There's more to it than just the story plot of the games, so hopefully you'll like it. Currently doing Chapter 4.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by BWfan View Post
    Haven't started reading, but:

    You really should be writing in paragraphs, and chapters are way too short. If I cramped up all that text in a chapter, I'd get one or two paragraphs.
    Agreed.
    .

  16. #16
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    BWfan and Invader Zim: Yeah, I'll try to make the chapters longer in the future. The previous chapters, beleive it or not, are old ones copy-pasted from Word. The next chapters will be much longer.
    'While I live I want to shine I want to prove that I exist'~Grovyle PMD3

    'Even in the darkest of times... there is hope'~Ignitus TLoS: DotD



    Between Time and Darkness Prologue is now up
    See my current and future fanfics here


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