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Thread: Kimono Contest (Contestshipping)

  1. #1
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    Default Kimono Contest (Contestshipping)

    Hey! This is one of my first stories and it took me weeks to try to get this first chapter done and perfect. I'm not so sure if its good but I tried my best and this is also up on Fanfiction.net and here's the link. =)

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6383949/...o_b_bContest_b

    Rated K+

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    May raced faster and faster down the path with trees whizzing past her. Wild Pokemon stared at her as she passed them and she didn't pay attention to them at all.

    She had overslept again and she needed to get a head start on the path to Ecruteak or she would miss the contest that was there in a few days.

    May was really excited for this contest because she heard a rumor that this contest was a special one that was different from the others, but nobody told her what was so special about it.

    May saw Ecruteak City up ahead after going up a small hill. She had never been to Ecruteak before so she was very fascinated when she entered the historical city.

    Ecruteak City was beautiful with its multicolored trees. It was fall so it wasn't unusual that the leaves on trees were beginning to fall off. May passed a huge building that had its roof open in the middle of the building and it was like a field. She looked in her guidebook of the Johto region. It seemed that that was the Kimono Theater that some people came to perform a tea ceremony or a special kind of dance.

    Then she looked up from her guidebook to see the Pokemon Center in front of her. May rushed into it and decided to immediately sign up for the contest before it was too late.

    Once she got inside she rushed up to Nurse Joy who was typing on her computer behind the counter. Before she could take more than a couple of steps she ran into something that was right in front of her. She hit it with so much force that she had fallen and landed on her back. She also felt the pressure of something or someone on top of her when she opened her eyes her sapphire orbs met with emerald green eyes.

    "Gosh, May," she realized that she had been staring into the two beautiful emerald eyes in front of her and snapped out of it. May had a visible blush that was dusted on her cheeks, "can't you try to walk without being a clutz and almost killing people?"

    The person on top of her got up and also helped her by giving her a hand. She brushed the dirt off of her and faced the person who was on top of her a minute ago, Drew.

    "It wasn't all my fault," she defended herself. "You were in the way too."

    "Yes but you bumped into me first," Drew retorted.

    "No I didn't."

    "Yes you did."

    "No I didn't."

    "Yes you did."

    "No I didn't."

    "No you didn't."

    "Yes I did." May was silent for a moment before realizing that she just tricked her. "Crap."

    "Wow, May. It takes you that long to realize something?" he smirked.

    "Shut up," she muttered under her breath and she looked down towards the ground.

    "What did you say?"

    "I said shut up!" May yelled at him. She looked around to see people that were staring at her with questioning looks. "Anyways," she said trying to change the subject, "I was going to sign up for the contest."

    "Figures you haven't signed up yet."

    "Well have you signed up yet?" May asked with an angered face.

    "Actually, May, I'm not entering this contest. I'm here for a different reason." Just then his green Poke-Gear on his wrist began beeping. He looked at it and pressed a few buttons. "I have to go. I guess I'll see you later." After that he began walking out of the Pokemon Center with his hands in his pockets.

    May watched him walk out and exit through the doors. She realized that she had been sidetracked by Drew and ran up to Nurse Joy who was still on the computer.

    Nurse Joy noticed that she was running up to her directed her attention to the brunette. "Hello. Can I help you?"

    "Hi, Nurse Joy. Yes can I sign up for the contest that's in a few days?" She pulled her contest pass out of her green fanny pack and put it on the front desk.

    "Okay but have you heard that this contest isn't an ordinary contest. This is a contest for only girls and you have to wear a kimono while performing with a Pokemon. There will be me, Mr. Sukizo and a surprise judge that will be announced later judging the performance just like any other contest. Instead of a battle round there will be a round that you have to change out of your kimono and pick a theme to do another appeal in but it has to relate to the theme and it you win you still get your ribbon that you earned."

    Nurse Joy gave her a form that had the word registration on the top. "Mr. Contesta is over in Sinnoh to attend a meeting with his brothers at Lake Valor so that is the reason he won't be here to judge. So, do you still want to sign up for this contest?"

    May considered it for a moment until she came to a conclusion. "Sure. It seems like a lot of fun and I love a challenge." She filled in the registration form and handed it to Nurse Joy. "Can I also have a room that I can stay in until the end of the contest?"

    Nurse Joy smiled, "Of course you can. The contest is in a few days but if you are going to participate you need to be in the Kimono Theater at nine a.m. tomorrow."

    "Thank you!" she yelled over her shoulder after getting the information and rushed out of the Pokemon Center towards the park.
    Last edited by CoordinatingMaster; 16th October 2010 at 2:59 AM.
    Proud Contestshipper, Pokeshipper, and Ikarishipper. <3

    My friend code is 3711-8218-3949! Message me if you want to add me

  2. #2

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    It looks like an interseting contestshipping fic. But, there are a few mistakes that I'd like to point out.
    Quote Originally Posted by CoordinatingMaster View Post
    "It wasn't all my fault," she defended herself. 'You were in the way too."
    In the second part of the dialogue, replace (') with a (").

    Quote Originally Posted by CoordinatingMaster View Post
    "Anyways," she said trying to change he subject, "I was going to sign up for the contest."
    In "trying to change he subject", "he" should be "the".

    Quote Originally Posted by CoordinatingMaster View Post
    Nurse Joy smiled, "Of course you can. the contest is in a few days but if you are going to participate you need to be in the Kimono Theater at 9a.m. tomorrow."
    After the first sentence in Nurse Joy's speaach/dialogue, you forgot to capitalize the letter "t" in the word "The". Also, for 9a.m. its probably best to spell out nine and put a space in between nine and "a.m".

    There. Overall, I'd give this first chapter a seven out of ten. I understand that this is your first story, and everybody makes mistakes on their first try.

    Just a tip, if you have the time, before you update the story, try to re-read it once or twice. And you'll see by doing so, you can correct yourself of a few mistakes you might have comitted. Plus, you might even suddenly get an idea for the story when you re-read you work (it happened to me once).

    Also, it would be nice if you could provide a link to your story on FF.Net. So, good luck, and lets see how this plays through.

    ~MM

  3. #3
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    @MagnificentMudkip: Thank you for the review. I just finished editing the mistakes and I have the link up right now. Thanks for the tips and I'll try to use them. I'll probably post the next chapter sometime next week. =)
    Proud Contestshipper, Pokeshipper, and Ikarishipper. <3

    My friend code is 3711-8218-3949! Message me if you want to add me

  4. #4
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    Wow, they are perfectly in character! I read fan-fics all the time and most of the time the characters are totally ooc. Nince job on drew tricking may, that is soooooooo like him! love the story!
    Violence is never the answer. Help me to destroy it or i will beat you! copy and paste this into your sig if you agree. started by manaphy123

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  5. #5
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    wait, is Drew going to be the mysterious guest judge????!!!! I can't wait!!! If he's not, I still want to know what happens to may!! will she come out on top???
    ~Kat

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