Fallen 1004! (PG-13)

[lxdarknessxl]

Before we start, sometimes there will be a name just under the name of the chapter. That is the name of the character who is telling the story.

Same for at the bottom, where one of the characters will talk about the next chapter.

I’m an amateur writer, so please excuse me, and feel free to give me suggestions.

Chapter one: New Student

Rose Mary

Hi. I'm Rose Mary, a 16-year old student from and in America. I live in Minnesota, in an average school, average friends, and average family, except for two things. Two people, Ness Dark, who was my best friend in childhood, and my mother, Suzy Mary, suddenly disappeared when I was five. Although all I'm doing right now is going to school, I dearly wish for my mother to come back to the family, along with Ness.

Anyway, I'm going to school, and today is the day that a new student is coming, but I don't it's much of a big deal. Still, a bunch of my friends are saying it is, especially Sarah, my best friend. I don't get why she is so excited, though. Maybe I should ask. Yep, I probably will, just before class. Walking into the classroom, I smiled and sat down in the front row, next to Sarah. "Hey, Sarah, I have to ask, why are you so excited about the new student?"

"What? You don't know?" said Sarah as she looked at me as if I was crazy. Apparently, the reason was supposed to be obvious to everyone. Well, the news about the new student came when I was at home sick, so of course I don't know! I barely know that the new student is a boy! I explained that to her, which I shouldn't have needed to, and she rolled her eyes. "Hello?! This guy got the highest score in the entrance exam in school history!"

"And? So this means it's just another nerd!" I said, when I noticed the teacher coming in. We looked at the teacher right away, and stopped talking. our teacher, Mr. Anderson, looked kind of like the Mr. Anderson from that Matrix movie, or so I'm told. I don't exactly watch that much movies.

"Everyone, I have told you about a new student a week ago, and today is the day that you meet him." said the teacher, and opened the door. An Incredibly cute boy walked in, and I'm pretty sure the others thought he was as well, since they all had a jaw-drop. What over-reacters. The boy looked around the room, then his eyes widened when he saw me.

"R-Rose Mary!" he yelled, looking very surprised. What did this guy have to do with me, and how did he know my name? He tried to run out of the classroom, but the teacher stopped him. Of course, the teacher asked him what's wrong. The class began to murmur.

"Rose? How does he know you?" Sarah and a few others asked, but before I could answer, the new boy began to talk again. Probably, he was going to explain how he knew me, but I had to wait to find out.

"My name... is Ness Dark. I am the childhood friend of Rose Mary since I met her in Kindergarten." he said, which surprised me. Ness Dark suddenly disappeared during the middle of the elementary school without telling anyone except for the principal! Tears swelled up in my eyes. Of course, Ness, being the same guy he always was, tried to cheer me up. "Whoa, whoa whoa. Sorry for disappearing during the seventh grade, sorry for not being able to keep my promise, and sorry for not saying anything before leaving. But hey! I'm here... Well, I tried to run away, but I'm here!"

"I'm not crying because I'm mad, you idiot! Out of the two people who disappeared without a trace in my life, one of them came back! Besides- wait, you remember the promise even past all this time?” I said. We had… a certain promise with each other a long time ago, but how did he still remember the promise? Ness shook his head.

“Of course I remember! Aren’t you the one who MADE me promise to remember no matter what happens?” he said, when we noticed the class just staring at us having this conversation. Ness began to blush, which made him look even cuter, and cleared his throat. “Um… let’s finish this conversation AFTER school.”



In the next chapter:

Ness Dark

Hey, it’s Ness. In the next chapter, Rose and I go out to eat, when the guy next to me accidentally switches my juice with his wine! To make it worse, the wine gets me drunk and I tell my greatest secret to Rose, and she does not take it well. The secret was made in order to protect Rose… what’s going to happen?!

Find out in…

Chapter two: The Greatest Secret Imaginable!

[Plusle+Minun]

kekeke I'm back to haunt ya! But seriously, I can do critism. Not Psychic-type concrit of course, but hey. I've had some fics before. Don't look at me like that. I'm serious.


Rose Mary? Interesting.

Anyway, excuse me, but well, the chapter title is boring. And the introduction is boring. And the premise is pretty uninteresting too.

Let's start with the execution. The first chapter introduces the problem and the characters. But so far, we don't know much about Rosemary (yeah, I butchered her name) but that she's ordinary and pining over some people. The way you introduced one of the protagonists is overused and boring. It doesn't catch people's attention, and direct characterization isn't going to supplement anything. Okay, so we start off with an normal day. Rosemary meets up with her best friend, Sarah, and this new kid is gonna arrive. We can't picture anything at all...what her friend is like, what she's like, what the setting is like, what Ness, this supposedly cute boy of which we know pretty much nothing at all, is like.

The characters are not getting developed. Maybe we get a little hint from their dialogue, which is somewhat unrealistic (I'll get to that later), but so far, we don't know much. The tense and grammar is a little wrong, for example.

"What? You don't know?" said Sarah as she looked at me as if I was crazy. Apparently, the reason was supposed to be obvious to everyone. Well, the news about the new student came when I was at home sick, so of course I don't know! I barely know that the new student is a boy! I explained that to her, which I shouldn't have needed to, and she rolled her eyes. "Hello?! This guy got the highest score in the entrance exam in school history!"

"And? So this means it's just another nerd!" I said, when I noticed the teacher coming in. We looked at the teacher right away, and stopped talking. our teacher, Mr. Anderson, looked kind of like the Mr. Anderson from that Matrix movie, or so I'm told. I don't exactly watch that much movies.

It's a little awkward-sounding, and the repetitve "said"s are boring.

"What? You don't know?" said Sarah as she looked at me as if I was crazy. Apparently, the reason was supposed to be obvious to everyone. Well, the news about the new student came when I was at home sick, so of course I wouldn't know! I barely know that the new student is a boy! I explained that to her, although I shouldn't have needed to, and she rolled her eyes. "Hello?! This guy got the highest extrance exam score in school history!"

"So? He's just another nerd!" I said, when I noticed the teacher coming in. We glanced at the teacher right away, and stopped talking. Our teacher, Mr. Anderson, looks kind of like the Mr. Anderson from that Matrix movie, or so I'm told. I don't exactly watch that many movies.

Corrections in bold, questionable wording in italics, etc.

The next part is plain weird. Seriously. Then! Information conflicts itself: first, Ness disappeared at five years old - unrealistic - then 'through the middle of elementary" then seventh grade?!

And the next "spoiler" kind of thing to intrigue people, eh, well, Ness manages to remember stuff when he's drunk and suddenly becomes omniscient then doesn't know. The plot is moving along with drama before it's established - we maybe have reached the initial incident but the conflict plots are just meh. Interesting and enigmatic, I guess.

[lxdarknessxl]

Thanks, critic.

Jk, XD again, it's only my first time.