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Thread: Pokemon: Ho-Oh and the Pure Heart

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon: Ho-Oh and the Pure Heart

    This is a story I've been working on for a while, and I've decided to let yu all see a preview of it. It takes place mostly in Sinnoh, with the main characters being Ash, Dawn and Brock. The events of this story take place between DP189 and DP190. With that...enjoy!


    PROLOGUE

    A lone tower stood on top of a hill. It was made completely out of wood, and stood almost a hundred feet tall. There were five floors, each one with a gorgeous view of the outside world. Magical Creatures of all shapes and sizes loved to roam around up here, along with humans.
    One human in particular was on the fifth floor right now, looking out over the forest land surrounding the city. His comfortable loose clothing made him appear no different than the other citizens of the town. His Flaafy companion was standing beside him, looking out over the country as well. He smiled. “A wonderful sight, isn’t it?” he asked.
    “Fla,” Flaafy agreed.
    The man turned around and walked over to another side of the tower. While he did, he looked down and saw two Bellsprout and a Rattata walking around, chasing each other playfully. He chuckled. This is what this tower was built for, after all: to promote understanding between people and Magical Creatures.
    He reached the side of the tower and leaned on the rail, letting the wind play with his hair. “What a view,” he murmured to Flaafy. “See those clouds? We’ll have good weather today…” He froze.
    “Fla?” Flaafy asked.
    “What is…that?” The man was looking down at the ground, about half a mile away. Though it was far away, he could still see very clearly what was coming towards the town—and the tower. “Invaders?”
    They looked to be dressed all in black, carrying swords and torches, even though it was the middle of the day. As they came closer, he could hear shouts coming from them. They kept yelling the same thing, though he couldn’t understand what it was.
    “We’re under attack!” the man yelled. He quickly picked Flaafy up in his arms, and ran down to the fourth floor. There were four people there, one on each corner of the floor. “Send an evacuation call through the town. The tower is about to be attacked!”
    The four men, though confused at first, quickly obeyed, and blew loud horns that were attached to the supporting beams of the tower. Within a few minutes, all the townspeople were running away, carrying what few belongings they could.
    “Let’s go down and prepare for an attack,” one of the guards said. The other four of them nodded, and ran down to the bottom of the tower. There, they found several of their Magical Creatures friends already standing ready for an attack—mostly forest and town-roaming Magical Creatures.
    By then, the first of the attackers arrived at the tower. The first one of them had a slightly longer and broader sword in his hand than the others, and dressed in red instead of black. He smiled upon seeing the man. “So, it seems we end it here.”
    The man narrowed his eyes. “David,” he hissed.
    “Surprised?” David smiled. “Now, if you don’t let us storm that tower and capture Ho-Oh, we’ll have to resort to less pleasant methods.”
    “Do you really think we’d be that willing?” The man turned to his Flaafy. “Flaafy, use Thundershock. Let’s go!” Flaafy obeyed, and let a string of lightning fly at David.
    David smiled, and pushed back his cape. A Geodude flew out from behind it, and absorbed the Thunderbolt. “Now, Geodude, use Rock Throw, and use it on Jack.”
    “Geo…” Geodude detached one of its arms and swung it at the man. “Dude!”
    Jack ducked, and turned to the other four guards. “You should all run. This is a battle we cannot win.”
    While the other four guards took their Magical Creatures and ran away, David smiled. “I knew you would see it my way.” He raised an arm, and pointed it at the army behind him. “As you can see, I have a hundred men who cannot wait to get their hands on that Ho-Oh.”
    “Yes, I see.” Jack smiled. “Too bad they won’t be able to.” He looked up. “Now, Honchkrow!”
    David and his men looked up just in time to see a Honchkrow fly down from the top of the tower. It flew up to one of the men with a torch, and grabbed it. “Honch,” it crowed. Then it dropped the torch into Jack’s hand.
    David had to force himself not to chuckle. “You don’t honestly think you can defeat us with that torch and two Magical Creatures, do you?”
    “Of course not,” Jack said, quite honestly. “But I can keep you from getting what you want!” He turned and threw the torch at the tower. “There!”
    All of a sudden, a beam caught on fire, and within seconds, the first floor was ablaze. David gasped. “No!” He turned to his army. “Don’t just stand there! Get in there and grab Ho-Oh!”
    The men were about to do so, but one of the balconies above them came loose and fell dangerously close. This scared them, and they scattered.
    “Come back here, you idiots!” David sneered, and ran into the tower. “I’m getting that Ho-Oh!”
    Jack gasped. “David! Come back. You’ll be killed!” He turned to Flaafy. “You get out of here, my friend.” He ran into the tower, trying to dodge the flames. “David!”
    He knew David would be going up to the top floor, and ran to catch up. By the time he got there, David was frantically searching around the small room, trying to find the Ho-Oh that he felt should have been there. “Where is it?” he yelled.
    “David, get out of here! We can be killed any moment,” Jack pled. He held out a hand. “Is Ho-Oh worth more than your life?”
    David backed up to the balcony. “No! I won’t leave without my Ho—” Then, all of a sudden, the balcony gave way under him, and he fell down to the ground below. Jack cringed when he heard David’s yelling stop.
    It wasn’t until several seconds later that Jack felt the heat beginning to seep through his clothes. He started sweating, and not only because of the heat. What if I can’t get out of here? He ran to the staircase, and started running to the ground again. But he soon found himself caught on the second floor, the flames preventing him from getting to the stairs. Am I going to die in here?
    Then he heard a whimpering behind him, and turned around. He gasped. There were three Magical Creatures backed up in a corner: a Vaporeon, a Jolteon, and a Flareon. He ran up to them. “Are you all okay?” he asked.
    They all had burns, and it appeared the Vaporeon had already used up most of its strength trying to put out the flames with its Water Gun. They were exhausted, and had their eyes closed.
    “Oh, no…” Jack closed his eyes, tears starting to form. I did this, when I lit the tower on fire…
    Jack?

    Jack gasped. He looked outside. “Ho-Oh?” he murmured. Then he ran as close to the balcony as he could, and looked outside.
    A sparkly figure was flying towards the tower. Jack, what’s happened?
    Jack couldn’t use telepathy like the Legendary Magical Creature, so he had to yell. “There was an army that attacked, and the tower was set on fire!” He intentionally left out the fact that it was he that set it ablaze.
    Ho-Oh was soon floating in the air beside the tower. Climb on my back, and I’ll carry you to safety.
    Jack turned back to the corner. “But there are Magical Creatures—”
    A fireball exploded in the middle of the room, and sent him flying back and to the outside. Ho-Oh barely caught him in its claws, but the extra weight pulled it down. It quickly curled up into a ball, flopped onto its back, and landed hard on the ground, providing its own body as a cushion for Jack.
    Jack quickly got up and ran over to Ho-Oh’s face. “Ho-Oh!” he yelled. “Are you okay?”
    Ho-Oh opened its eyes, taking a moment to focus on Jack. I’m fine, it said with its mind. It forced itself to sit up, and looked at the tower. It started growling. How could humans say that they are friends with Magical Creatures when they do this? It let out a screech.
    Jack froze, playing absently with the ground with his hand. “There were Magical Creatures in there when the fireball lit. I don’t think they’ll get out.”
    Ho-Oh narrowed its eyes. Then I’ll get them out now. It rose to its feet, took to the air, and flew to the tower. All of a sudden, a rainbow-colored Protect surrounded it, and it flew inside. It came out a few seconds later, the three Magical Creatures on its back.
    As Jack had figured, they were dead; the fireball had knocked them out, and the fumes had asphyxiated them. He felt tears in his eyes. “But they did nothing!” he yelled. “They were just there, like other Magical Creatures. They did nothing!”
    Ho-Oh slowly lowered its head, tears coming from its eyes as well. I agree. They did not deserve to die… It raised its head and spread its wings out. Then, all of a sudden, a bright light surrounded it and the three Magical Creatures.
    Jack gasped. “What’s going on?” he asked.
    Jack, it is time for me to leave humankind’s reality. I will leave behind my mark so that they remember me, but until the time is right, I am leaving. The light disappeared. But before I do, I have my mark to leave.
    Jack’s gasp this time was even more surprise-filled than the last one. Standing on either side of Ho-Oh were the three Magical Creatures—but they were alive, and very different. “You resurrected them?”
    Ho-Oh nodded. They will observe humanity for me while I am gone. This Legendary Beast trio will represent the North Wind, the Thunder, and the Volcano. I give you Suicune, Raikou, and Entei.
    Jack stared at the three Magical Creatures. They looked very different from the Eevee evolutions they used to be—taller, and nobler.
    Now, go and observe the humans, Ho-Oh commanded the beasts. They all gave their individual calls, and ran in separate directions. Ho-Oh turned to Jack, and Jack was surprised to still see tears in its eyes. As for me…
    “What’s wrong, Ho-Oh?”
    Ho-Oh blinked, the tears hitting the ground and making it moist. I will spend the rest of eternity searching for a pure-hearted human, one who can love Magical Creatures more than the ones of this generation. You are the only human I have observed to have obtained this, Jack. But not even a heart as big as yours can save us. Ho-Oh closed its eyes. I was glad to have you as a friend, Jack.
    Jack once again had tears in his eyes. “Ho-Oh…me, too.” He threw his arms around Ho-Oh and gave it a big hug.
    Thank you, Jack. Ho-Oh spread its wings apart, waited for Jack to let go, and jumped up into the air, starting to fly away. Goodbye, my friend. Please don’t forget me.
    Jack fought back the urge to choke, and raised his voice. “Don’t forget about me either, Ho-Oh. And don’t give up on us humans yet. You will find your pure-hearted human! I promise!”
    As Ho-Oh disappeared into the clouds, Jack Ketchum only hoped he was right.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skulblaka_Shur'tugal View Post
    Magical Creatures of all shapes and sizes loved to roam around up here, along with humans.
    I assume you will eventually call them Pokemon when you get to a later time period.

    Now here is something you must do, Dragon Rider-Put a one line space between each paragraph. This isn't Microsoft Word, so there is no auto-spacing for paragraphs, nor do indents work. So that is what everyone does to keep it readable, as it becomes hard to follow when it is all crunched together like that.

    This is somewhat devoid of detail. If you add in more description, this will be better.

    My only other nitpick is that you had to use Ash and Co. They are cliched and overused, and how many ultra-legendaries have they seen, had adventures relating to, saved, and such? This would do much better with an original trainer. Also, it would be awkward for Ash to have a whole adventure relating to Ho-oh, as Ho-oh is suppose to appear to him during certain moments of his journey, like the first episode and some random others spread around the regions.

    Overall, this is seeming to be just one of those common cliched fics with Ash and Co. or some other character battling bad guys and earning the trust of an ultra-legendary, which means that it isn't making much of an impression on me.
    3DS FC (Pokemon X): 1848-1667-7668
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  3. #3
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    Thanks for the feedback; I am glad for any I can get. But let me explain to you that this is MY story, and I chose to use all those elements because I felt like it would best fit the plot; once you begin reading the story, I'm sure you will agree.

    And as for the Magical Creatures becoming Pokemon...of course that's bound to happen. I am simply trying to keep this consistant with what we know about Pokemon already; in the past, they were called "Magical Creatures", and the prologue happens in the past.

    And as for Ash and Ho-Oh...I mean, who WASN'T disappointed when they found out Ho-Oh wouldn't be in the 13th movie? Try to imagine a movie that takes place within episodes after the 13th; that's when this story takes place.

    And in the future, I will try to add spaces between paragraphs. Thanks for your feedback, though. Really, I appreciate it.

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