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Thread: Pokemon Island

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Island

    This fic is rated PG. Hello everybody, this is my first fic entitled "Pokemon Island." Please tell me what you think and enjoy.
    __________________________________________________ _____________
    Chapter 1

    “What is this place?” Began the exhausted pokemon. The pokemon laid on the ground wiped out. He had scars and bruises on all parts of his body. His body figure was that of a human. He had well defined arms and legs as well as a normal human-like face, eyes, and mouth. The only thing that separated his face from a humans, was the fact that he did not have a nose or ears. He also wore a championship belt around his waist. Like all Machoke, he had these features.

    “All of the others didn’t make it.” After inhaling and exhaling slowly he talked to himself once more. Perhaps it is a habit of his to talk to himself, or maybe, he did this out of pure boredom.

    “This place, this place, it is so… alive, and it feels… warm.” It is fair to mention the place Machoke rested on was, indeed a beautiful and amazing place. This area had enchanting qualities and to some degree was charming. The grass was ever-green and danced calmly in the winds soothing and gentle breeze. The waves splashed and washed softly against the warm surface of the land. Caterpeis crawled happily in the grass and felt safe and secure in its watch.

    “Though I escaped, I still need to find my friends.” After that note, he slipped into a black out.

    Machoke awoke surprised and confused to a new scenery. He was now lying in a bed; this bed was a far more comfortable surface then the itchy and dirty grass. It also appeared he was indoors. The house had standard furniture including Machoke’s bed. The walls and floors were made out of solid, gray rock. Machoke wondered if he was safe or if he was kidnapped off the land.

    Suddenly, the door squeaked opened, and a figure of another Pokemon appeared. The shadow turned on the light to reveal his body. The first thing Machoke took notice about this body was the brown rock shell. A round head with eyes and a mouth poked out of the top the shell. In addition to these features, the creature had two arms and two legs appear from the shell. His arms and legs were short and stubby, yet, still had the quality of elbows, knees, hands, feet, fingers, and toes, respectively. All of his body, was different shades of brown.From these clues, Machoke guessed he is a Golem.

    “I cant believe you finally woke up!” Shouted the creature. “My wife has been caring for you for 12 hours. I better go tell her the news”

    The Golem left the room to alert his wife that the visitor had awoke. From what he said, Machoke assumed he had been passed out for 12 hours, and from friendliness and concern from his voice, he thought the possibility of him being a friend is broader, but he was still not sure and a little concerned, for he is still weak. He could not escape if they were crazy or criminals.

    At that moment, the door flew open once more. Golem appeared with another person. From the similar features to Golem accept for the red dress she wore, Machoke assumed her to be Golem’s wife.

    “O goodness, I cannot believe you are awake!” The new person spoke with a sense of relief. “Hello, I am Golem’s wife Golet, pleased to meet you.”

    “I’m Machoke.” Replied the patient.

    “I was worried about you. My husband found you passed out on the coast, so he took you in here to take a look. I took your temperature, and you’re not sick, but those bruises and scars on your body concern me.”

    Machoke looked at his whole body to observe these marks. He had to have at least 10 marks of injury on this body. Luckily, none of them looked to be threatening.

    “Well, don’t feel too worried. I feel much better then I did 12 hours ago. Maybe a good rest was all I needed.” Replied Machoke.

    “That’s great, dear. Take some time to relax and call me if you need me.”

    Because of her tone of voice and what she said hinted compassion and concern, Machoke Was sure he was safe here and could relax. He was in deep thought about what happened. Where am I? Where are my friends? What can I do?

    Time passed, and he felt like a lonely prisoner laying in the bed. Finally, he decided he will try to stand up out of the bed. First, the arched his back carefully into an up right position. His back was soar when he did this, and his joints popped and cracked. Then, he bent his knees into a sitting position. Finally, with a little bit of strength, he erected his knees and was standing upright.

    “Hey Machoke,” He heard Golem’s voice walking down the hallway and into the room. Golem opened the door and said.: “If you want to eat, Golet just finished cooking supper.” Golem paused for a moment. “Hey! Your standing up just fine! Well, as I was saying supper is all ready. Just follow me into the kitchen. My wife always prepares a great meal with what I find out there to cook.

    Machoke followed Golem into the kitchen. This room had the same rock features the other room Machoke was in. The table was rock, the silver ware was rock, but fortunately the food was not rock. The food was fresh out of the oven and smelled great. There was bread, meat, and vegetables. Machoke felt a little embarrassed to be this well catered upon, but he ate anyway.

    To his surprise, Machoke had a full force appetite, ate fast, and did pause in between bites. The The food tasted as great as it smelled. It was the first meal he ate in 24 hours. He was more hungry than barely any other moments in his life. The Golems seemed to be a little surprised about his eating too.

    After dinner, Machoke was no longer hungry and felt like he had a belly sticking out. Golem and Golet were also full, so they decided to have a conversation.

    “So Machoke,” began Golem. “You looked pretty beat up when we found you. If you do not mind us asking, we would like to what happened.”

    Machoke began to recall the events. “Well, I was with my friends and we were running, running from something awful. I escaped and blacked-out, but my friends were not so lucky. That’s all I mind sharing with you.”

    “We understand.” Replied Golet.

    “Though, I do not understand how one can survive drifting in the sea.” Golem in-putted. “You are very lucky, Machoke.”

    “I guess I am.” Machoke said confused and wondering.
    __________________________________________________ _____________
    Let me get one thing straight. This not to any extent a "I woke up in a strange place. Where am I story?" That is just to add the mystery of how Machoke got here. He knows where he is. The place does not turn out to be strange at all; it is normal. This is not a mystery story it is an adventure story. When I post the second chapter, you will see this. That is the first chapter. I am not to good at writing these begining, getting to know the character chapters. I know this was short to. It was only 2.5 pages on Microsoft. I promise it will get better. If you liked or hated it tell me. I am all up for criticism or praise. If your looking forward to the next chapter, it will be released on September 21st
    Last edited by jacobii; 14th September 2010 at 12:34 AM.

    YUM YUM JIMMY JOHN'S!

  2. #2
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    Many mistakes. Some of which are- "Caterpies" (All Pokemon plurals are the singular name with a modifier, such as "many Caterpie" or "several Caterpie") some changing tenses, like "Maybe a good rest is all I needed," and some other stuff that would have been found by Word if you had looked over it.

    Story is sorta original, at least nothing I've seen before.
    3DS FC (Pokemon X): 1848-1667-7668
    Friend safari is Ice with Snorunt, Beartic, and Cloyster. Looking for Dragon safaris, safaris with Whirlipede or Espurr, and Y-exclusive Mega Stones.

    Shiny Chains (D/P): Ralts, Magnemite, Beldum
    Targets: Shinx
    Shiny Chains (X/Y): None
    Targets: Clauncher/Clawitzer, Swirlix, Smeargle



  3. #3
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    You made lots of simple spelling mistakes.

    - adding apostrophes for plural words, i.e. "others"
    - not adding apostrophes for contracted words - it should be "You're standing up just fine!" instead of "Your standing up just find!"
    - not spelling "Pokémon" properly
    - not using spellcheck, "blackout" (you should actually say, "he blacked out"), and "evergreen", which are simple punctuation errors.
    - capitalizing words that weren't proper nouns, nor at the beginning of the sentence


    Nitpicking aside, it's actually a pretty decent storyline, but be careful of the "and then they woke up in a strange place" genre that keeps popping up, here.

    You have the ability to write, but it seems like you're really trying to make it look good, so much that you seemingly cram in unnecessary language in order to impress the readers...but some things are lost in translation.

    My suggestion would be to reread your story MORE THAN 5 times before you post each chapter. Get someone else to read it. Then get another person to read it. Do this before you post it, so that other people may pick up on things that you may have missed. Also, by doing this, you'll get fresh perspectives and opinions on what readers may or may not like to see.

    It's a pretty decent fanfic, but it needs work.

    My rating: 7.25 out of 10.
    Tauros tastes like beef. YAY! I'M A POKÉMON SOMMELIER!

  4. #4
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    I used spell check. (darn Microsoft) I always spell "Pokemon" like this. I don't care about that accent mark or whatever that is. I have characters diloauge be like how I would talk. I find this to be more realisitc. When you are not writing something formal, you are not worried about grammar.

    By the way, it seems like you were actually looking for me to make grammar/spelling errors. Well, I'll just call that good observation skills. I'll edit and proofread this some more.

    One more thing, I don't really know who I could have proofread this. If my friends find out I did something like this, they would rip me to shreads.

    Thanks for your comments.
    Last edited by jacobii; 11th September 2010 at 5:38 AM.

    YUM YUM JIMMY JOHN'S!

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by jacobii View Post
    I used spell check. (darn Microsoft) I always spell "Pokemon" like this. I don't care about that accent mark or whatever that is. I have characters diloauge be like how I would talk. I find this to be more realisitc. When you are not writing something formal, you are not worried about grammar.

    By the way, it seems like you were actually looking for me to make grammar/spelling errors. Well, I'll just call that good observation skills. I'll edit and proofread this some more.

    On a note about the plot: I just want everybody to know that this is not about Machoke finidng out "How did I get here?" or something like that. It become an adventure and no mystery at all. I guess the first chapter suggest it could be a mystery fic.

    One more thing, I don't really know who I could have proofread this. Because most of my friends would probably make fun of me if they found out I did this.

    Thanks for your comments.
    So you don't care about apostrophes? They're what seperates it's and its, weve and we've, and all other contractions. Don't "not care," it makes things better for everyone if you write the right way.

    We weren't looking for you to make errors, but we saw them while reading and thought you should know you made mistakes.

    I can understand friends making fun of you for Pokemon stuff. Good thing I don't have the same problem.
    3DS FC (Pokemon X): 1848-1667-7668
    Friend safari is Ice with Snorunt, Beartic, and Cloyster. Looking for Dragon safaris, safaris with Whirlipede or Espurr, and Y-exclusive Mega Stones.

    Shiny Chains (D/P): Ralts, Magnemite, Beldum
    Targets: Shinx
    Shiny Chains (X/Y): None
    Targets: Clauncher/Clawitzer, Swirlix, Smeargle



  6. #6
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    So you don't care about apostrophes? They're what seperates it's and its, weve and we've, and all other contractions. Don't "not care," it makes things better for everyone if you write the right way.
    No I don't care about the apostrophe in "Pokemon"
    We weren't looking for you to make errors, but we saw them while reading and thought you should know you made mistakes.
    I never pick up on that stuff when I read. I blame ADHD.
    I can understand friends making fun of you for Pokemon stuff. Good thing I don't have the same problem.
    Spend a week in my town, pal.

    YUM YUM JIMMY JOHN'S!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by jacobii View Post
    I used spell check. (darn Microsoft) I always spell "Pokemon" like this. I don't care about that accent mark or whatever that is. I have characters diloauge be like how I would talk. I find this to be more realisitc. When you are not writing something formal, you are not worried about grammar.

    By the way, it seems like you were actually looking for me to make grammar/spelling errors. Well, I'll just call that good observation skills. I'll edit and proofread this some more.

    One more thing, I don't really know who I could have proofread this. If my friends find out I did something like this, they would rip me to shreads.

    Thanks for your comments.

    Well, you didn't always capitalize the "P" in "Pokémon" in the paragraph above, which is more important than the accent.

    No, I wasn't looking for grammar or spelling errors, but when they keep piling up, it's distracting. I'm a speed-reader, so when I see words like "your" being used for "you're" I get confused - it's like a tiny pebble to stumble on when running. There were just so many that it made it hard for me to focus on "running" through the proverbial "field". If you can't imagine that, just imagine someone trying really hard to tell you something, but it's broken English. That's an (extreme) example of what it felt like.

    You have to remember that this is serebii.net - we hold a high standard of our Fan Fiction posts. Your story has to be grammatically correct, well-written, and overall - interesting to read. We are not judging you, but your work. Don't take this personally, but published stories should only have 100% effort placed into them, so don't skip on the other details, as everything is important. So you should consider this writing to be "formal" - you are posting something for the world to see - of course people are going to review, judge, and grade it - so you should, too.

    By writing in your "realistic" manner, it's only saying that you "don't care" what readers are looking at your work. There are readers here that can barely understand English, and are trying to grasp at what ideas and concepts you're saying. So keep them in mind when you write. You want your readers to understand what you are trying to get across - what images and ideas you see in your head - and see them with you. Otherwise, you're (basically, but not arrogantly) saying, "I know what I meant to say" without sharing with us what you meant to say.
    Tauros tastes like beef. YAY! I'M A POKÉMON SOMMELIER!

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by jacobii View Post
    No I don't care about the apostrophe in "Pokemon" I never pick up on that stuff when I read. I blame ADHD. Spend a week in my town, pal.
    When I said I didn't have the same problem, I meant not with two friends, not the whole city.

    You confused me with the part about not caring about the mark in Pokemon(I spell it like this for posts, but use Word to give it the mark above it in fics), I thought you meant all apostrophes, as in when you spelled you're your. Oh and the mark in Pokemon actually isn't called an apostrophe, I don't think.
    Last edited by Skydra; 11th September 2010 at 5:37 PM.
    3DS FC (Pokemon X): 1848-1667-7668
    Friend safari is Ice with Snorunt, Beartic, and Cloyster. Looking for Dragon safaris, safaris with Whirlipede or Espurr, and Y-exclusive Mega Stones.

    Shiny Chains (D/P): Ralts, Magnemite, Beldum
    Targets: Shinx
    Shiny Chains (X/Y): None
    Targets: Clauncher/Clawitzer, Swirlix, Smeargle



  9. #9
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    UPDATE: chapter 2 is being delayed until this Thursday or Friday. This chapter will provide more information about the island.

    YUM YUM JIMMY JOHN'S!

  10. #10
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    This is chapter 2. If you want to review this please do.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    Chapter 2
    Machoke woke up to the same room he was cared upon yesterday. At first, he was confused about the objects, walls, furniture, and decoration, but he realized this was the same room he slept in yesterday. He sprung out of bed as he did on a normal day and continued to do the jobs of his morning routine but sensed something was missing.

    He realized it was the charm he wore around his neck. Machoke was lost without it and began to look for it. He inspected all the closet doors and in-between tight spaces. For some odd reason, he was panicking for it like a dog after it hears a door bell.

    He saw Golem in the hallway and quickly questioned him about the charm. Golem replied: “Oh, we took the necklace you were wearing and put it into the drawer in our room. If you need it, you can get it in there.

    Machoke pushed the door open. He raced down the hall way, entered Golem and Golet’s bedroom, opened and searched the drawer, and retrieved the prized necklace.

    The necklace was a brown stone connected to a silver chain. The brown stone appeared to be formed into the shape of a fist. Machoke put this necklace around his neck immediately.

    “It seems your well attached to that thing.” Said Golem.

    “Oh yeah, that’s my lucky charm.” Replied Machoke. “I found it back home in Vermilion City when I was a little machop.”

    “It‘s a piece of home, I assume.”

    “Yes it is. One day me and the crew were messing around in the city’s underground path. We wanted to explore the underground, so we used Hitmontop to dig through the walls of the building and into the mines. We nearly scared all the people to death. While we were in the mines, I found this very same stone. I picked it up and kept it with me. Then out of nowhere, this Zubat came and charged us. I was pretty scared by it, but I knew the other guys could take it. To my surprise, Machamp wanted me to get some experience, so he had me fight it. I was scared because it was a flying type. When it charged at me, I grabbed its little bat legs, whirled him around a few times, and did a Sesmic Toss. It was the first time I ever used that move. To this day, I consider that to be my lucky charm. After we hit the jewelry store to steal a silver chain, I hooked it to the chain and wore it around my neck everyday since then.

    “I assume when you were living on Vermilion city, you and your crew were bad stuff.”

    “Well, it wasn’t by choice that we had to fight and steal. We were in a bad part of Vermilion, pass Lt Surge’s gym and all the nice fan club, sea side view mumbo-jumbo. We were nowhere near the woods, so we couldn’t pick berries, and Pokemon don’t have no money.”

    “Today I’m going show you around here on Pokemon Island. Let’s go.”

    Golem and Machoke proceeded out the door to begin their day and their tour.

    Machoke stepped outside to the semi-familiar, jubilant atmosphere of Pokemon Island. However, this time he was not alone. Shops, houses, and other Pokemon were buzzing about in the town. He heard echoes of many conversations between friends, families, and co-workers alike. He was perplexed by the fact that no cars, horns, or many people floating about and interrupting him.

    “We need to buy food, Machoke.” Said Golem. “Follow me to Monferno’s shop.” Golem dragged the still aw-filled Machoke towards the shop.

    “Hey Golem!” Shouted the Monferno across the counter. “What will it be today?”

    “Hey Monferno, I’ll take 1 pound of Cakoo meet, a ½ pound of Oran berries, ¾ pound of Rawst berries, and 3 apples.” Answered Golem.

    “Ok, That’ll be 16 Poke'dollars.”

    Golem reached up his shell and presented the money to Monferno.

    “Ok, thanks Golem.” Monferno collected the berries and meet and gave them to Golem. At that moment, Monferno noticed Machoke still observing all the occurrences on the island. “Hey Golem! I notice you have someone with you.”

    “Yeah, This is Machoke, ‘Ferno. Machoke, meet Monferno.”

    “Nice to meet you, Machoke.” Monferno and Machoke shook hands, and the two waved goodbye.

    The two Pokemon walked away from the shop and continued with their day while Monferno attended to a new customer.

    “That was Monferno.” Said Golem to Machoke. “He runs all of the food industry in Pokemon Island. If you stay here, you’ll be running into him a lot. You’ll need to get a job in the mining field with me soon. You’re a fighting type, so you’ll probably be great at the job.”

    Machoke pondered about the island. “Hm, they got shops, work, drinks, food, and houses here. I wonder if they got any electricity or cars. It wouldn’t surprise me if they got electricity. After all, there is a lot of electric pokemon out there.

    They continued to walk about on the Island. They roamed until they ventured to the more peaceful part of the city. A place were nature was more connected and organic life was more abundant than inorganic. They sat there and enjoyed the scenery

    “Today is the weekend here.” Said Golem. “Later tonight we’ll go to a special surprise I have in store, but first, we got to wait for it to get dark.”

    After Golem spoke, he took off his necklace to examine it for cleanliness. At that point something attacked him. It caused Machoke to drop his lucky charm and plummet to the ground. Golem looked around to see what it was. They saw a Voltorb standing there.

    “Hey freak show,” protested Machoke. “What’s the big idea you wise guy.”

    “This replied Voltorb.” The Pokemon charged a thunder attack that connected with the still injured Machoke.

    “You damn idoit!” Bellowed Golem. “What makes you think you can do…”

    Golem was stopped by an ice punch. An Ampharos walked towards Voltorb holding Machoke’s necklace.

    “This necklace is worth big bucks you two.” Said the Ampharos. “Think twice before you walk around in the less populated parts of the island.”
    ________________________________________________
    Finally, chapter 2 is written. This another lazy two page chapter. I guess if you like people who post short chapters (like me), I'm your guy. The next chapter will be a big one. I estimate it will be 4-7 pages (that's big for me). Tell me what you think. I'd love to have another stupid argument about grammar.
    Last edited by jacobii; 27th September 2010 at 10:19 PM.

    YUM YUM JIMMY JOHN'S!

  11. #11
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    Chapter 3 will be up October 28

    YUM YUM JIMMY JOHN'S!

  12. #12
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    Quite good so far. I like fics with talking Pokemon and how they interact with each other. Keep it up.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by jacobii View Post
    Tell me what you think. I'd love to have another stupid argument about grammar.
    Arguments about gramar aren't stupid. We're partly here to help you improve, so if you can't take criticism...

    Anyway, I'd capitalize type names, like "Flying type" or "Fighting type" instead of "flying type" and "fighting type."
    There's also a part near the end where the Voltorb talks where "Voltorb said" is inside the quotes.
    I might have missed some other stuff.
    3DS FC (Pokemon X): 1848-1667-7668
    Friend safari is Ice with Snorunt, Beartic, and Cloyster. Looking for Dragon safaris, safaris with Whirlipede or Espurr, and Y-exclusive Mega Stones.

    Shiny Chains (D/P): Ralts, Magnemite, Beldum
    Targets: Shinx
    Shiny Chains (X/Y): None
    Targets: Clauncher/Clawitzer, Swirlix, Smeargle



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