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Thread: Sinnoh Stories - The Legend of Volkner!

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    Default Sinnoh Stories - The Legend of Volkner!

    Chapter List will be updated when I'm not a lazy ***. In the mean time, please bare with me and find the following four or five installments on your own.

    SINNOH STORIES - THE LEGEND OF VOLKNER! HAS WON A FAN FICTION AWARD! It is tied in first place in the "Best Canon Character Centric" category in the 2010 Serebii Fan Fiction awards! Thank you all so much! I'm so excited! My tie was with Mrs. Lovett's "Roots". Check that out too when you've got the chance - I hear it's good.
    Chapter List



    PROLOGUE

    Mystery


    "... B-but, mom," the child protested. "It's boring here! I don't want to do what normal kids do; I ain't a normal kid!" He spoke with his arms folded over his thin and bony chest, a sky blue shirt wet with sweat clinging against him. On his shoulder was a yellow mouse, black stipes decorating its neck and wrists, diamond-shaped ears perked up as it listened to the conversation. The child was careful in his position, for if he were to let the creature fall, his mother would kill him.

    His mother's face was flushed, red as a ruby, frustration evident in her eyes. Sweat oozed from every pore, giving her skin a slimy coating. She seemed to be nervous, but the boy didn't know why - perhaps she was concerned about his welfare, or some other ********. He didn't know, but in all honesty, he could have cared less.

    The dominant emotion in his mind right now was anger: anger at his mother for refusing to let him do what he had proposed. It was a simple thing. He would simply take the mouse on his shoulder and head out, explore the world as a Pokemon trainer. He hated the creatures, but doing this would help cure the chronic, fatal illness that had plagued him for his thirteen years on Earth.

    The illness was called "boredom".

    "Volkner," his mother whispered. To the boy - "Volkner" - it was a vile tone of voice ringing in his ears. The moment he heard it, he lowered his arms and clenched his fists, his blue eyes shimmering with an unprecedented rage. "You know I can't approve of this. The practice is sickening: it's considered sport to pit these innocent things up against each other in fights! It's horrible that the government even allows it."

    Volkner, in his anger and the angst of his teenagerdom, wanted to punch her. But his small moral compass told him a firm, "no", for this woman was still his mother. Even if she was being totally unagreeable.

    "Now, I don't want to hear any more of it, boy," she said sternly.

    "But-"

    "Up to your room, Volkner. You're grounded 'till you get this idea out of your head. Chuseph will stay with me."

    He thrust a foot toward the floor of their home. He regretted it a moment later, as the marble was rather firm and painful to stomp on barefoot, but he did not flinch. It would be a sign of weakness, and weakness could not be shown right now.

    "Chuseph, mom? Really? Not only is it a nickname for the dumb little bastard, but it's a ****in' stupid one at that!" he exclaimed. "The things don't deserve nicknames. They're less than us. Learn your place, and learn theirs, mom!"

    In a moment of sheer devilish plotting, Volkner thrust his shoulder outward, and felt the grip that Chuseph had on his shoulder fall to pieces and watched as the baby mouse Pokemon fell toward the floor.

    "Watch, mom, watch!" he thought.

    But there was a bit of a chink in his plan. He had forgotten about the tan and brown creature by his mother's side, Abster the Abra. The creature extended a thin-fingered hand, and suddenly, a blue light surrounded Chuseph, and the Pokemon was brought to a soft touch down next to Abster. Volkner scowled, once again stomping a foot firmly to the marble floor, ignoring the mild pain.

    "Ugh, wish he would'a fell," Volkner said with a grin, purposefully antagonistic.

    "... Your sentence has just been extended, boy," his mother chided. "You have two options: I'll give you a direct sentence, and you apologize to Chuseph, or you can stay in your room all day except to eat, use the bathroom, and to go to school until you -do- apologize. The choice is yours. You can't go blaming all Pokemon for what happened. It's like blaming the entire human race for when one man robs a bank. It's -stupid-. Now, make your choice."

    "But mom," Volkner said, but found himself unable to come up with a counter argument - he had put himself into a stuck position, only able to let loose a sigh to signify his defeat. He was considering apologizing to the stupid little Pichu, but decided against it, for his ego was indeed at stake... there was no way he could possibly make a stand here and walk away still clutching it, for he was the one who spouted those words, and to deny them now would be sheer hypocrisy.

    He knew she was right. He didn't care, though. What had happened was still the fault of Pokemon, and he would forever hate them for it. He was considering apologizing to the stupid little Pichu, but decided against it: he had said what he had said, trying to make a stand. To deny his words now and apologize, there would be no way he could walk off while still clutching his pride. It would be hypocrisy.

    So he ran toward the steps close by, black boots connecting with the wooden surface thud after thud, hand gripping the rail tightly. It hurt, friction burning at his skin. He didn't care. But he stopped just moments before he would have disappeared from his mother's sight, and spoke in a clear tone of voice. He had been wanting to see these words since the moment he first heard the "no". It was a sequence of words that any mother would dread hearing, and he enjoyed every letter that slipped passed his lips. She deserved them for her constrictive values, which Volkner knew not to be true values at all.

    "I hate you."

    He curved around the corner once he reached the top of the steps, the brown sameness of the dirty hallway blurring past him in his peripherals. With a force only an angry teenager could produce, he slammed the door shut behind him, turning around for a moment only to lock it and then leap onto the bed, letting loose silent tears and mumbles of the frustration that pulsed through his veins. Only when he looked up through blurred eyes to the window outside did he stop crying long enough to notice her, perched upon his windowsill, her brow contorting her gaze to show her bewilderment.

    He reached the top of the steps and curved around the corner, the brown sameness of the dirty walls in the hallway blurring past him in his peripheral vision as he dashed. He reached his room at the end of the hallway and skidded to a stop, walking through on shaky legs and slamming the door shut behind him. He turned around only for a moment to lock it, and then walked over to his window and stared out at the dull ocean view.

    The port city of Olivine was always dull. It rained often. The ships brought loads of trainers that sickened Volkner; those types who had given love and affection to their Pokemon. The ships also contained sailors: alcoholic, foul mouthed people who Volkner despised. These types ran loose in the streets too. Most children in the school system now tended to stray from him, telling him that he had blood on his clothes that would never wash off.

    He gripped the windowsill tightly and turned around. His shoes rested at the foot of his bed, and without even paying attention to the thought of socks, he slipped them on.

    He had a plan. He was going to get out of this window, scale the side of the wall and run. He didn't care where he would go: nor did he care that it was raining outside, the dull pitter-patter of droplets pelting his window ringing through his ears. He turned around and placed his hands on the windowsill once again, before nodding to himself.

    "You might want to put on a jacket, first," a voice said.

    He turned around and wondered just how he hadn't noticed it. In front of him, sitting near the back of his bed and nestled between two pillows, was a girl. She was absolutely stunning, her hair flowing in long black strands down past her shoulders. Her eyes radiated a calm, soothing mood, a smile plastered upon her lips.

    "Excuse me...?" Volkner asked. He was hesitant to speak: in his normal mood, he would be all over her in an instant, and in all truthfulness, his eyes WERE all over her. Her dress was white, almost see-through, and he wasn't about to ignore the opportunity to observe the merchandise she had to offer. But still, in his current mood, he was wary of doing more than that.

    "It's cold out there, too. If you intend to go out, put on a jacket," she said.

    Volkner blinked, and walked over to a coat rack in the corner of his room. He slipped on a darker, royal blue jacket to cover his sky blue shirt beneath.

    The girl giggled. "You really do like blue, don't you, Volkner?"

    A pulsation of fear raced through Volkner's body at that moment. She knew his name. Was this some sort of stalker? He braced himself, preparing to put up a fight.

    "Relax," she said. It was as if she could sense the tension he felt. "Volkner, if I wanted to hurt you, I would have done so. I've come to help."

    He relaxed a bit, as if her words were a legitimate reason to calm himself. He didn't know why he did... it was just as if she had this magical quality about her.

    "What?" Volkner asked. "The hell do you mean?"

    The girl patted the bed. "Sit," she said.

    "Not until you-"

    She patted it again, still smiling. "Please, I insist."

    Volkner's legs moved on autopilot. He sat down right in front of her, sitting indian-style position, glaring at her eye-to-eye.

    He couldn't last for long. His gaze softened until it was almost casual.

    "I apologize," she said. "It's rude of me to call you by name without introducing myself first. My name is Mana. It's a pleasure, Volkner."

    She leaned in closer, and Volkner did the same.

    "I also apologize for my brevity. I'd explain a little further if I had the time," she whispered. Her tone sounded guilty.

    Suddenly, the two of them leaned forward far enough for Mana to grab him and embrace him, planting a kiss tenderly on his cheek.

    "So, yes," she whispered in his ear. "Sorry."

    Volkner felt his world begin to spin: and he fell forward, going entirely limp. His face buried in her chest, but even as a pubescent boy, he had no time to enjoy it. His entire world was wrought with confusion, until finally, he felt his consciousness begin to slip away.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Just wait, child,

    For I will do you a great favor...

    ... as long as you do me one first.



    PM LIST-
    #TransendTrainer
    Last edited by D. Scott; 19th March 2011 at 1:17 PM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  2. #2
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    You know, this is definitely intriguing. You had me fooled with the somewhat melodramatic fight between Volkner and his mama, and I thought it was heading down that "Ima run away!" route that gets kind of, well, boring and even more melodramatic, but I was pleasantly surprised. The transition from normalcy (I guess) to bizarre was blunt, but it worked well.

    I do like your portrayal of Volkner; I know very little about him, but from what I do know, he seems like he would be a whiny, bratty teenager. =P He did come off as unlikeable with the whole "pokemon are less than us" ramble, and it made me want to punch him (at the "I'm not a normal kid part" more than the "pokemon are less than us" rant for some reason) but that's what you were going for, right? I do find his whole mindset interesting, though, with his mother being a "pokemon sympathizer." Mostly how he came to believe in such thoughts. Hopefully that'll be explained later, and hopefully he'll grow out of it. I also like Mana. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to. I at least like how she made Volker pretty dumbfound anyway. Oh, ye hot chicks in windows.

    My main critique is the structure of your sentences. I noticed that you create long sentences in order to make it seem like Volker is rambling. When it's done well, it works well. Ex:

    "... I'm f-fine. Who are you?" Volker asked, glaring up to her and focusing his gaze upon her own, eyes a dark blue pool of oceanic water, calming him down more, soothing him to the point of where he found his mind going blank of the fact that there was even a mental conflict going on... he just knew that there was a really pretty, sexy girl in his room that was talking to him and he was indeed talking back, running on the strange mental autopilot young boys do when they find themselves embarrassed.
    Even without the last bit, we can tell that Volker is nervous/embarrassed/antsy because of the structure.

    But for the most part, your "rambly" sentences kind of ... a mess. Kind of like you got lost yourself while writing it:

    She said, placing a hand over her mouth delicately pressing it over her lips to stifle a giggle, but this giggle was not muted enough so that it didn't seem contagious... and Volkner thus giggled in response to her, or perhaps a mild sense of anxiety in his subconscious as he knew what was to come within just a second, a subconscious signal trying to warn him before the potential danger came.
    It's mostly the bold part that is confusing, like you're missing a comma or a coordinating conjunction somewhere. Probably an "and" between "mouth" and "delicately." Other than that, this sentence also works well with its subject matter.

    The child protested, his arms folding over and thus pressing a sky blue t-shirt against his thin and bony chest, chin pointing up carefully so as to not shift his shoulders to a point where the yellow furred black striped mouse perched on his shoulder, one fingerless arm pressed against his golden hair, would be thrown off... she would kill him if he let that happen.
    This is a longgggg sentence, and unlike the other two sentences I quoted, there's no need for it to be this long. I start to get lost around the fingerless arm part. This entire section could use a bit of tweaking/rewording/rephrasing/word deleting. I would first suggest breaking it up to avoid confusion and then going over it to see if you can shift word phrases around. The "fingerless arm" part is particularly confusing because it's hard to tell if you're describing Volkner or the pokemon on his shoulder. The "so as to not shift his shoulders to a point where ..." portion is also a little wordy.

    You also might want to consider hyphenating "yellow-furred" and "black-striped" (with a comma in between the two). It, again, helps with confusion and slows down the text.

    You also seem to have some issues with capitalization and dialogue:

    "But mom," The child protested, ...
    (Hope you don't mind that I cut out the rest of the sentence).

    "The" here should be lower case ("But Mom," the child protested) because "the child protested" is connected to the dialogue.

    Likewise:

    "Hi, Volkner. You okay?" The girl asked, her voice soft and sweet, almost relaxing.
    "The" here should also be lower case for the same reason. Leaving it capitalize disconnects it from the dialogue (technically), so the reader may be left wondering what the she is asking.

    The only time a sentence should be capitalized after a piece of dialogue is if the sentence can stand alone as its own sentence.

    Ex) "Don't touch me." She backed away, eyes wide.
    "Why?" He poked her again.

    Kinda sorta make sense? Lol.

    Other than that, it could use a bit of a clean up, but it's pretty well done. It has an interesting setup for sure. I'll be sticking around. =P

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    You know, this is definitely intriguing. You had me fooled with the somewhat melodramatic fight between Volkner and his mama, and I thought it was heading down that "Ima run away!" route that gets kind of, well, boring and even more melodramatic, but I was pleasantly surprised. The transition from normalcy (I guess) to bizarre was blunt, but it worked well.

    Thank you! I was a bit worried about that part...

    I do like your portrayal of Volkner; I know very little about him, but from what I do know, he seems like he would be a whiny, bratty teenager. =P He did come off as unlikeable with the whole "pokemon are less than us" ramble, and it made me want to punch him (at the "I'm not a normal kid part" more than the "pokemon are less than us" rant for some reason) but that's what you were going for, right?

    Yes, it was.

    I do find his whole mindset interesting, though, with his mother being a "pokemon sympathizer." Mostly how he came to believe in such thoughts. Hopefully that'll be explained later, and hopefully he'll grow out of it. I also like Mana. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to. I at least like how she made Volker pretty dumbfound anyway. Oh, ye hot chicks in windows.

    Lol, indeed. Things will be explained in much further detail later on.

    My main critique is the structure of your sentences. I noticed that you create long sentences in order to make it seem like Volker is rambling. When it's done well, it works well. Ex:

    Even without the last bit, we can tell that Volker is nervous/embarrassed/antsy because of the structure.

    But for the most part, your "rambly" sentences kind of ... a mess. Kind of like you got lost yourself while writing it:

    It's mostly the bold part that is confusing, like you're missing a comma or a coordinating conjunction somewhere. Probably an "and" between "mouth" and "delicately." Other than that, this sentence also works well with its subject matter.

    This is a longgggg sentence, and unlike the other two sentences I quoted, there's no need for it to be this long. I start to get lost around the fingerless arm part. This entire section could use a bit of tweaking/rewording/rephrasing/word deleting. I would first suggest breaking it up to avoid confusion and then going over it to see if you can shift word phrases around. The "fingerless arm" part is particularly confusing because it's hard to tell if you're describing Volkner or the pokemon on his shoulder. The "so as to not shift his shoulders to a point where ..." portion is also a little wordy.

    You also might want to consider hyphenating "yellow-furred" and "black-striped" (with a comma in between the two). It, again, helps with confusion and slows down the text.

    You also seem to have some issues with capitalization and dialogue:

    (Hope you don't mind that I cut out the rest of the sentence).

    "The" here should be lower case ("But Mom," the child protested) because "the child protested" is connected to the dialogue.

    Likewise:

    "The" here should also be lower case for the same reason. Leaving it capitalize disconnects it from the dialogue (technically), so the reader may be left wondering what the she is asking.

    The only time a sentence should be capitalized after a piece of dialogue is if the sentence can stand alone as its own sentence.

    Ex) "Don't touch me." She backed away, eyes wide.
    "Why?" He poked her again.

    Kinda sorta make sense? Lol.

    Other than that, it could use a bit of a clean up, but it's pretty well done. It has an interesting setup for sure. I'll be sticking around. =P
    Thanks for the review... it's very rare (since I've always just written on ffnet >_>) to actually get detailed criticism. Grammar errors will be fixed soon as I reply.

    Thanks again.
    - Ian


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

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    *sigh* I hate not having anything to add. But that's what happens when I'm a terrible reviewer and a good one goes before me.

    At any rate, you have me hooked. I went in thinking, "Oh jeez, this is gonna be a major screw up," but I was actually pleasantly surprised. It's very rare that someone can pull off a canon character history fic, but this looks like it will be at the very least somewhat successful. No doubt it will excel, though.

    I do have one question, however. What -verse is this?

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    Thank you! I hope it exceeds your expectations! It is game-verse, by the way.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

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    This, my friend, has a ton of potential. I came in thinking that it was going to be done poorly, but I think that you nailed down Volkner's personality. The fact that his mother is a hippie just makes things even better.

    I will definitely keep reading this to see how it progresses.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SilentMemento View Post
    This, my friend, has a ton of potential. I came in thinking that it was going to be done poorly, but I think that you nailed down Volkner's personality. The fact that his mother is a hippie just makes things even better.

    I will definitely keep reading this to see how it progresses.
    Thank you! It means a lot to hear this, really. I hope things continue to be as an enjoyable read for you all.

    May as well say in this post, by the way: Chapter 1 is about a quarter of the way done, give or take a bit. I would expect it up at the latest by Wednesday, but no real guarantees (yay sporadic motivation).


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

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    Chapter 1 is here! Enjoy, and do not hesitate to give me some criticism.


    GREAT FAVOR: VOLKNER'S STORY
    Chapter 1: Haunting

    A great favor...? What do you mean by that...?

    ~ You need not worry, boy.
    Just wake. Wake now. Before it's- ~


    As if on command to this strange, melodic voice that drifted through his unconscious mind, planting these words into his subconscious in the process, Volkner's eyes quickly peeled open. He recoiled, however, and shut them again just a moment later as sunlight struck him, hot and blinding, much more so than the sun in Olivine, and thus it immediately struck him that he wasn't quite there anymore. He slowly opened his eyelids this time to let the sun seep through at a steady, controlled rate.

    Finally, he could open them all the way again.

    What met his sight was an awfully clear sky, devoid of any clouds whatsoever... simply blue, for as far as the eye could see. Well, this excluded the variety of palm trees that dotted the sandy surface of whatever landmass he was on, tan colored trunks draped with downtrodden green leaves, a few fruits of some sort in which Volkner could not identify hanging beneath. He could taste gritty sand in his mouth, which he turned his neck to the side and spat out.

    His arms and legs hurt tremendously, pain racing through his veins like a bullet train, unmatched by any previous agony present prior to now. But he needed to see if he could stand. If he didn't, or if worst came to worst, couldn't... well, he'd have to face that reality that when you lay alone in a strange, somewhat foresty looking place immobile as a child, it was basically sitting yourself on a silver platter, setting some lettuce around yourself, stuffing an apple in your mouth and screaming, "Hey, Persian and other fine beasties! It's an all-the-Volkner-you-can-eat buffet!".

    Quickly, and thus painfully, Volkner flipped himself over onto his stomach, hands pressed with as much force as he could manage (which wasn't much) against the hot sand, and tried to push himself up to his feet. He immediately felt his legs begin their conversation on labor unions (because their boss was such an enormous ******* to them), but they worked all the same, giving him a staggering but present standing condition.

    He took this time to examine his surroundings a slight bit better: nothing really new to see than from his grounded perspective, other than the fact that the area was indeed forested with these palm trees, a jungle of darkness hidden under the canopy, an intimidating sight but one he would have to deal with for a little while all the same. At least, this was his assumption... he was in a bit of a pessimistic, but,
    considering his situation, understandable mood.

    Now his legs were straight and were definitely considering forming their little labor union, maybe going on strike soon, but for now they were cranking the gears of maximum efficiency the hardest they could to please the boss. Working arms, working legs, and a decently working head. Things were working out good enough so far; not quite into the "pleasant" range, but good enough for him to be able to think the situation through and then act on it.

    Suddenly, it hit him.

    He had been too groggy for a couple of minutes to realize the fact that he had only the slightest clue as to how he got here. That clue was a conniving, twisted little girl... a dot of malice in his mind by now, as she stood as one of the only possible explanations to his current predicament. Whatever she had done had knocked him unconscious - oh, right, the kiss, he thought. - and then she had thrown him here after doing something else to him... something to cause him pain like this.

    But he supposed he didn't have quite the time to deal with it. If the girl popped up later, he would question her, try and figure out a way to get assistance for her had he not already gotten assistance from any people on this assumed island (assumed, because the half he was on was surrounded by ocean, but the possibility stood that he could also just be at the coast or a larger landmass).

    First thing was first, he thought in his mind of minimal wildlife survival knowledge... a fire. Those were easy, weren't they? He just needed to rub two sticks together, and the fraction or fruction or whatever the flying feathers it was called would set it ablaze, a perfect source of warmth. That would work just fine, he told himself, as he stumbled across the beach, sandaled feet hitting the hot sand with a small crunching sound, and he slipped in through the trees to start up the only work he would try and do today: gather firewood.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    "Why did I even try and THINK this would be easy?" the boy exclaimed, stumbling out of the wooded area, a pile of thin looking sticks bundled in his arms and pressed against his chest. His skin was dotted with a variety of different colors; red from the strain on his body, the blood rushed to his face... green from stains of trips through grass, smeared with the brown of soil. Scarlet from fresh blood. His hair was disheveled, and his overall appearance just seemed a total mess.

    He had gotten attacked inside there.

    There were indeed wild Pokemon here, as he had found out on his little search for firewood. He had been looking for any dropped branches, so he wouldn't have to climb and snap off anything (which he did eventually end up doing), when - god be damned - he just happened to a spot a small herd of Wild Pidgey. Now, as far as he knew, they weren't fighters... but they would protect their territories with their lives. It was someting his mother had told him when he was younger, and he was actually interested in the little animalistic, filthy creatures.

    He had tried to leave quietly. They had all neglected to notice him, perched up in their tree. But he had stepped over a single branch, ironically, and the snapping brought this foreigner, big and tall compared to them, to their attention. They had attacked, fiercely, leaving Volkner to run with wood he had gathered so quickly that if he had been a cartoon his legs would be a twirling wheel beneath him, acting in a singular effort to propel him away from the danger.

    ... too...

    The shitty part was that it wasn't even necessary for him to get the few injuries he currently had on him. He had just barely escaped the flock... he had run, backtracking through the territory he'd crossed without so much as a single injury because of his legs, running off of adrenaline, and their skillful - albeit painful - twists and leaps and various other contortions to get him through the perilous times. But, on his way out of the forest itself, he'd somehow managed to finally lose his footing and slam facefirst into the grass, gravel cutting his skin open, dirt and grass smearing him across his visible skin.

    "...late," Volkner found himself mumbling then. He allowed himself to sit down and release the wood grasped against his chest, watching it all roll down into the sand with a strange allure. But, of course, another pulsation of pain rushed through his body and he forgot about this, wincing and rubbing at his aching joints. For what felt like about ten minutes or so, he sat there and allowed himself to relax, mind blank and thoughtless except for the increasing rhythmic pulsations of pain.

    It got to the point where the pain was causing more than wincing, too. With each pulsation, he found himself feeling more and more of this before it finally let loose mild groans, then moans, then agonizing screams. His body was wracked with torturous pain, spasming every few seconds until he couldn't bare it any more and he just wanted to lay down and die.

    ~ ... I didn't want to do this ... ~
    His eyes snapped open, and he observed her again.

    "I'm sorry, Volkner," Mana whispered, her head craned down to look at the chronically pained boy. She seemed genuinely upset over his state... her face red, eyes seeming to echo a mild sorrow. Why, is what he wondered in the small sections of time which he could think coherently over the pain... a time span which was now gradually decreasing, as he observed her eyes, her gaze locked upon his and vice versa. "I thought you were strong enough... I thought I could let you wake up on your own. I guess I was wrong... it's okay. Let's get up now, for real - the source of your pain is a Gastly. It put you into a deeper sleep than I thought, and it's using a Nightmare attack... which is followed up by Dream Eater. You'll die. If you wake up, I've left you a gift."

    Shocked and startled by this revelation, Volkner suddenly began to shout - shout at the top of his lungs, trying his hardest just to choke himself into consciousness.

    A tactic which worked.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    He awoke with a start, screaming and bolting up right, his hands moving to embrace himself in an effort to comfort his worsened state: the dream world was almost more pleasant, despite the nightmareish circumstances... suddenly, it hit him like a ton of bricks. Mana had said that if he woke up, she had left him a gift. What had she meant by that? He pondered this as he tried to stand, but his muscles were filled with fatigue. Thankfully not pain, but an overwhelming sense of insecurity in their ability, like he had just run a couple hundred miles and he would be forever crippled.

    Why was THIS?

    Another realization: the fatigue was from a Hypnosis attack, just beginning. The Gastly was still in the room with him. Watching as he fell.

    Time was of the essence, as he grew groggier by the moment. He hated Mana even further at this moment, for her incompetence - if she was going to wake him up from death only to leave him to fall right back in, why wake him up in the first place? It was just torture- or not. Realizations seemed to be the theme of the night, constantly popping into this mind of his in its state of refreshment and declining. She had said she had left him a gift... something to eliminate this threat with?

    What else could eliminate a creature other than another creature? Another creature seemed a pretty good strategy to him: it was either beat this Gastly now, or die, and thus he had to put his faith into the girl who had gotten him into this situation in the first place... he reached out to the side and grasped the red and white sphere that lay there tightly, and tossed it forward after pressing a finger onto the release switch. His head drooped, and he missed whatever sound effects or anything the little thing made... and his vision was too blurry to see just what the creature that was supposed to be his savior was.

    "...attack...gastly..." he groaned. Consciousness was slipping.

    A flash of thunder struck somewhere close by... was it raining? No, he heard none of the pitter-patter that came with it, so that couldn't quite be it... so what was the source?

    He knew in his heart just what the source was, all this time, but his gaze focused upon the yellow fur, an extra dot of miscolored black fur on his back just below the typical Pichu's patch only confirmed it. Wherever he was at the moment, Mana had dropped off the family Pichu - "Chuseph" - with him. Next to him was a fading Gastly, which he ignored - it would be gone now, as Chuseph had struck it hard. Thus his own paralysis was gone, but his muscles still had a strange fatigue to them. As he slipped his hand outward, muttering "return...", he watched a red beam of light shoot out and envelope Chuseph, then slipped the ball into the pocket of his pants just in case he needed the filthy looking little rat a a later time.

    His next priority, he knew, was to get out of this place. It had a haunting atmosphere to it, its tight brown wooden walls, and the cold floor he lay on. It almost felt as if there was a human presence in the room, besides himself.

    Slowly but surely he managed to pull himself to his feet, his arms hanging low in front of him, his legs weakly wobbling beneath him, not quite able to effectively support his weight... but he needed to move. He was not safe here, for if he were to look, it would be likely that he would find more Gastly or even worse creatures lurking in the depths of this strange house. He took one experimental step, and found out his worst fear of this moment was a brutal reality - he fell face first into the floor. Turning himself over, he could only sigh. It looked like this was the end.

    "... Oh no. Uhm, Sneasel. Go over there and see if you can spot his vitals - is it a corpse, or is it alive? Nod once for dead, nod twice for alive..."

    His consciousness was fading yet again. From real fatigue this time - part of his mind had been warped, twisted at the will of another creature... it was understandable that he was tired. A strange looking black creature with a red feather on its head, claws donned on both hands and his toes, walked over to him and stared at him as his world went into a color scheme of black and white. Two nods. A rushing of feet met his ears, and he felt a cold hand grab his own, before consciousness slipped away once again.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    He was genuinely concerned for this boy, whom he found laying on the floor of the Old Chateau, his body shivering ever so slightly and very pale, sweat dotting ever inch of his visible skin and then some. He was ill; very ill, and he had no idea why, but his main concern was to get him to the Floaroma Medical Center... Eterna was closer, but he had no idea where the hospital there was, so he was only willing to take the safe bet - fly over the fores with the help of Murkrow and Golbat, and get to the hospital he knew.

    "Yes sir, he's being moved to the ICU first thing off for a more intensive check out, but the doctors say it's doubtful that it's anything life-threatening: you said he was found collapsed inside the Old Chateau, correct?" The receptionist asked kindly, her voice seeming to be of concerned tone when in reality, he could tell that she had spoken to concerned people enough to be able to mimic their voice... a thing that came with experience on the job, he supposed.

    "Yes ma'am," he responded curtly.

    "Then it was likely a Pokemon's attack. Hypnosis, specifically. When used on a human weakly, it can cause extreme muscle fatigue... he should be fine within a few days, with a regular dosage of a drug specially designed for cases like this, and of course natural body rest. Now, for legal purposes, we need to take down some of your information. Can I get you to fill this out for me?"

    She handed him a clipboard with a piece of paper attached to it, a pen dangling from a beady attachment in the top right corner. Nodding, the teen accepted it and walked over to a chair somewhere close.

    It only took him about a minute to fill the sheet out, as the information required was next to nothing, and his handwriting was swift - albeit a bit sloppy. He stood up and walked over to the receptionist's desk, and handed her the clipboard.

    "Anything else, ma'am?" he asked.

    "No, that'll be all, Mister..." She threw a quick glance down to the paper, checking out his name. "Cyrus."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Boo. Yeah, decided I'm gonna include a bit more than just Volkner in this, but he will still remain the main protagonist. As I said, don't hesitate to criticize... I'd like nothing more.
    Last edited by D. Scott; 13th November 2010 at 10:54 AM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  9. #9
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        Spoiler:- Some quicky grammar checks:


    Your narrative is rather peculiar in this chapter. It's kind of uncontrollable, very stream-of-conscious like, which I like lots; it really helps me get into the head of Volkner. While it worked well with the first scene (with Volkner having no idea where he is or why) or with your portrayal of Volkner period, I feel you could have taken control of the reins and pulled it back a little bit. When you do have long, windy sentences, it's very easy for someone to lose the point ... not unless that IS the point. ;P I think this might be because you're too reliant on ellipses (you usually employ them when you're trying to separate regular narrative from Volkner's snark ... or whenever you feel like it, really o_O) when you might be better off starting a new sentence or playing around with different forms of punctuation. In some cases, I think you would be better off using commas instead of ellipses to make it more stream-of-thought-like.

    Example:

    But he needed to see if he could stand... if he didn't, or if worst came to worst, couldn't... well, he'd have to face that reality that when you lay alone in a strange, somewhat foresty looking place immobile as a younger child, it was basically sitting yourself on a silver platter, setting some lettuce around yourself, stuffing an apple in your mouth and screaming, "Hey, Persian and other fine beasties! It's an all-the-Volkner-you-can-eat buffett!".
    I think the ellipses here makes your sentence a little more confusing than it needed to be. You kept stacking it on; therefore, it got kind of hard to keep track of what the point was. I think you might be better off starting a new sentence after "stand."

    "Younger" might be better off a "young" (you might not even need "young" period since "child" seems to indicate youthfulness anyway). "Buffett" should be "buffet." And while I'm not sure on this one, you may not need the period after "buffet!"

    I do like the imagery, though. =)

    At least, this was his assumption... he was in a bit of a pessimistic, but,
    considering his situation, understandable mood.
    Some formatting problems here (backspace before "considering" so it's part of the same line with "but"). While there's nothing wrong with using ellipses here, it's kind of pointless. You might be better off changing them to a period instead. You know that phrase "too much of a good thing"? When you do something too much in fiction, like "short, choppy sentences" or having one individual line as its own paragraph, it kind of loses it power, especially when you actually intend it.

    Anyway ...

    This was an interesting turn of events. As much as I wanted to say "Saw that coming!" I really can't say that to anything. I wasn't suspicious of any strange doing (god knows why I thought Volkner would really be on a beach or something) until the pain really got to Volkner. It's an interesting twist on Hypnosis. I wonder what relevance Old Chateau has ... I was really caught off by the end, though. Never expected it to be Cyrus. I am still wandering in the dark with this one, but I think that's a good thing. We're learning things at the same rate Volkner is learning things so we both can be surprised together! Hurrah.

    Looking forward to chapter two!

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
        Spoiler:- Some quicky grammar checks:


    Your narrative is rather peculiar in this chapter. It's kind of uncontrollable, very stream-of-conscious like, which I like lots; it really helps me get into the head of Volkner. While it worked well with the first scene (with Volkner having no idea where he is or why) or with your portrayal of Volkner period, I feel you could have taken control of the reins and pulled it back a little bit. When you do have long, windy sentences, it's very easy for someone to lose the point ... not unless that IS the point. ;P I think this might be because you're too reliant on ellipses (you usually employ them when you're trying to separate regular narrative from Volkner's snark ... or whenever you feel like it, really o_O) when you might be better off starting a new sentence or playing around with different forms of punctuation. In some cases, I think you would be better off using commas instead of ellipses to make it more stream-of-thought-like.

    Example:

    I think the ellipses here makes your sentence a little more confusing than it needed to be. You kept stacking it on; therefore, it got kind of hard to keep track of what the point was. I think you might be better off starting a new sentence after "stand."

    I see, I see. Give it a shot, I will, next chapter.

    "Younger" might be better off a "young" (you might not even need "young" period since "child" seems to indicate youthfulness anyway). "Buffett" should be "buffet." And while I'm not sure on this one, you may not need the period after "buffet!"

    I do like the imagery, though. =)

    Some formatting problems here (backspace before "considering" so it's part of the same line with "but"). While there's nothing wrong with using ellipses here, it's kind of pointless. You might be better off changing them to a period instead. You know that phrase "too much of a good thing"? When you do something too much in fiction, like "short, choppy sentences" or having one individual line as its own paragraph, it kind of loses it power, especially when you actually intend it.

    Anyway ...

    This was an interesting turn of events. As much as I wanted to say "Saw that coming!" I really can't say that to anything. I wasn't suspicious of any strange doing (god knows why I thought Volkner would really be on a beach or something) until the pain really got to Volkner. It's an interesting twist on Hypnosis. I wonder what relevance Old Chateau has ... I was really caught off by the end, though. Never expected it to be Cyrus. I am still wandering in the dark with this one, but I think that's a good thing. We're learning things at the same rate Volkner is learning things so we both can be surprised together! Hurrah.

    ...*sigh of relief* Jeez, I was kinda nervous on this point. Thought I might be getting a, "wut? cyrus? ogod ur pullin sum bee ess her yo" out of people. Glad it worked.

    This all being said, thanks for the review!


    Looking forward to chapter two!
    Grammar errors will all be fixed. Comments in bold.

    Chapter Two is about ten percent done. If I wanted to give an ETA, it'd probably be about Thursday or Friday.
    Last edited by D. Scott; 13th November 2010 at 9:58 AM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  11. #11
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    Well, this is fun. Got done a lot quicker than I thought I would.

    Chapter 2: Seige

    Cyrus nodded politely in response to the receptionist and turned himself around to begin a walk for the revolving doors of the Floroma Medical Center, feeling no real need to be here any longer as he was mildly annoyed with the beeps and mechanical voices of the intercom system, the sounds of moaning patients waiting for treatment by a doctor... hospitals like this, while acknowledged as a necessity by the fifteen year old boy, were one of his least favorite places in the world.

    They were filled with pain.

    He pressed a hand against the cold glass of the revolving doors and allowed himself to slip out and go into the world beyond, his foot pressed firmly down against the grass. It was a beautiful day out today, the sky shining bright with the light of the sun. The air was of a mild temperature, just cold enough to be almost tangible and covering the boy's skin, but warm enough so that it didn't really bother him. As was the norm in Floroma, or so he'd heard from most of the residents when he had once commented on the subject.

    Floroma Town was a lovely little place, but Cyrus was itching to get out of it. All one needed to do to understand why he would want to get out was look him in the eyes. The receptionist back there had seen it, he knew. It was why she didn't ask him if he was going to stick around to see about the boy's recovery: she didn't want him around. His gaze was a piercing pool of aquatic blue, shining like the stars in the night sky.

    "... Now," he thought aloud, not really meaning to but not at all caring... it wasn't like he was talking of super secret plans. "I believe I was heading to the 'Valley Windworks'?" He glanced down to his hand, which in a previous moment had instinctively slid down into his pocket and pulled out his town map, examining it closely. He had gotten a new one printed out recently, so it was fully updated to modern standards unlike a lot of maps trainers seemed to have these days. Plus the only blemishes on its otherwise normal skin were wrinkles from his folding of it.

    According to the map, the Valley Windworks was just to the west of Floroma, not even a mile's walk. Cyrus only wanted confirmation for the slight bit of doubt in his head that all human minds carried on themselves, but for the most part he knew he was correct already; for he had already researched the place. It had nothing to do with his real interests, but he still found it an interesting place to explore the possibilities of. It was a generally controversial subject.

    The Valley Windworks was a recently opened center dedicated to furthering the productivity and efficiency of the field of renewable energy sources, their main focus being located solely on Windmills, hence the "Windworks" in their name. He had always thought the project a bit noble... polution was something to ruin happiness, whether it be domestic or wild. The effects on the planet that burning fossil fuels had on both people and Pokemon was step one in the many things human beings needed to eliminate. He wanted to tour, and he wanted to give them his signature of approval, though he knew a fifteen year old's would not matter a bit.

    He let loose a small sigh, masked in sound by the wind that rolled through Floroma Town at that particular moment, causing his long blue hair to waver a bit, and pocketed his map.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Within half an hour he was there. He was a quick walker, his long legs having a distinct swiftness and grace to their steps.

    He tilted his neck upward to observe the place. It was pretty big for something of its kind, he had to admit, but the destruction of habitat would at least be gone to a good cause. It was as white as a sheet, excluding some grayer patches where paint had already been a bit decayed by the environment (Cyrus figured perhaps some of the employees had done Pokemon battles or something to scar it). Atop its pale surface stood a multitude of poles each equal in size and topped themselves by spinning wheels, which caused a large breeze to blow through the area periodically. In his walk here, he had felt it three times.

    Right outside was a small toll booth, with one of those pricing things that more modern stores used on their cashiers. Seeing it unmanned, he figured it best to ask inside.

    He sighed once more, before pushing open the door and stepping inside.

    "Ah, hello, sir! I haven't seen your face around here before!"

    Before Cyrus could even get the door open completely, a cheery voice greeted him, its tone almost scary with its rehearsed glee. He recoiled slightly, when he realized... well, nobody was at the desk that sat in front of the entrance.

    "... Hi?" he half-replied, half-questioned.

    "Welcome to the Valley Windworks! Are you here for the tour?"

    Suddenly he found himself stumbling backward, letting out a startled yelp. The voice was coming from a source he had not thought possible. In the instant after he spoke, a flash occurred in front of his eyes, and hanging upside down in front of him was a combination of various metal plates painted jet black with small eyes of blue carved into the steel. An antenna stuck out from the machine's head. It lowered itself in front of him, hovering with a low whirring sound.

    "... Uhm, yes." Cyrus glared at the creature with mild apprehensiveness but figured it best to trust the thing if he were to get the thing he came here looking for.

    The robot suddenly creaked, as a mechanical smile crossed its previously unseen lips.

    "Okey doke!" the machine said, then turned around and began to buzz off toward the east. It stopped just before turning a corner, and looked back to observe the stunned, quietly observing Cyrus. It screamed out at him next, trying even further to get his attention. "Are you coming or what, sir?"

    Cyrus blinked, then nodded, running after the thing. He had to do so because with the confirmation of his following the robot did not stop to let him catch up, instead continuing to buzz forward leaving Cyrus in the dust. He eventually caught up with him when the machine came to a complete halt, staring intently into a room: it was about the size of a small home's kitchen, but taken up entirely except for a small walkway in the direct center by computers, their inner workings buzzing and beeping frantically.

    The robot fell to the floor with a thud.

    click

    Over the sound of the computers, Cyrus heard an all too familiar sound very close to his ears. As he prepared to turn around and investigate, his hand reaching toward his belt to unleash his single way of protecting himself, he felt cold hard metal press past his hair and dig into the flesh of the back of his forehead.

    "Hand off the belt, kid. One move after that, and I'll make sure your brains are all over the floor."



    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    AT THE SAME TIME...

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    His head.

    His ****ing head.

    Good god, why did his head hurt so ****ing much?

    He heard beeping, and the sound of voices, low and droning, almost mechanical. Like over an intercom or something. He wanted it to stop, so he reached up weakly through the dark envelope that surrounded him, clenching his hand weakly into a fist. He realized almost immediately that it wasn't possible, but he was damned and determined to do it anyway even if it killed him. Which at this rate, he was pretty sure it would.

    He heard voices. They were mumbles in his newfound sense of hearing, but he could tell they were close; close enough to place their cold flesh upon his own, forcing his hand back down to his side. He wanted to struggle against it, but he was weak: too weak to fight back against the domineering, invisible foe. He let himself moan lightly, and with this power he realized he had, his consciousness truly began to return.

    His eyes opened quickly, but the effects of sleep blurred his vision for a couple of moments. He could make out the faint shape of lights on the gray ceiling, and the walls to his sides that he saw in his peripherals were painted with an uplifting floral pattern. He made out pink, and then the shape of a woman's body who he recognized almost immediately to be the one who pushed his hand down when he lifted it. He wasn't all too objecting to this normally, but right now he looked up to her and managed to groan out a question.

    "... Where am I ..."

    The nurse offered a kind smile in response, concern for him evident in her eyes. He felt like crap, so he imagined he probably looked like crap too.

    "Sir, you're in Floroma Town Medical Center."

    Floroma Town didn't sound familiar to Volkner in the slightest.

    "What...? Floroma...?" he asked, glaring at her to try and give her the clue that he was totally confused.

    She understood, it seemed. "You were in the Old Chateau, according to the person who brought you in. We think a Pokemon..."

    It hit Volkner then. "... a Gastly attacked me. Right."

    The nurse nodded, showing slight signs of optimism in the fact that he at least remembered what had happened to him.

    "Do you know your name?" the nurse asked.

    "Volkner," he responded.

    "Where are you from?" she continued.

    "Olivine City..." Volkner muttered. The implications this could possibly have eluded him for a couple more moments, before they hit him.

    ... crap. Think.


    "Oh? Olivine in Johto? My, were you on a tour...?"

    "You mean this is-... uhm, I mean... yes. I was." Volkner slipped the sentence past his lips after a couple of moments, after realizing just what was going on... he wasn't in Johto anymore.

    "Is there anyone we can contact? Friends, family?" she asked kindly.

    Volkner merely shook his head. "I'm here alone... I brought along a Pokemon though," he said, remembering Chuseph's presence. "Do you have him?"

    She nodded.

    "Can I get him back then? I'd feel a little more comfortable with him by my side..."

    It was a genuine lie through his teeth, but he felt it a necessity.

    She nodded, reached for the desk that sat next to his bed, and slipped open the first drawer. She pulled out the red and white ball and pressed the release switch on the center, pale skin touching silver steel. Volkner shut his eyes as a bright flash echoed through the room for a moment but opened them again when he felt soft fur touch his skin, a familiarly warm hand placed against the side of his head.

    "Aww, he's a cute little guy..."

    "He is, isn't he...?" Volkner replied between gritted teeth.

    "Well," the nurse started. "I'll leave you alone to get some rest. We'll be giving you some medicine for your muscle fatigue... should last, say, two hours. I'll be back then to administer another dose."

    Volkner nodded in response, his plan beginning to form in his mind. A bit struck down by the Nurse's next statement, though.

    "It'll eliminate the fatigue so you can move at maximum efficiency. So if you need to use the bathroom, or anything of the like, you can get up and do it on your own. You're in need of hospital care, but only slight. I'm sure you can handle things by yourself... but if you do go somewhere, tell a nurse, because if the drug wears off, you will be incapable of moving for a couple of minutes. Nasty little side effect of the drug, but we'll take care of that if you're just responsible. Understood?"

    Volkner nodded, and cursed to himself.

    After a couple of awkward moments in silence while the nurse administered the medicine through syringe, he watched as she walked away... and almost in an instant, he felt amazingly better. The strain on his muscles, the tiredness... he felt normal again.

    He grabbed Chuseph's Pokeball and returned him, then pulled himself out of the bed and began to prepare for his escape.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The only reason his plan worked was because he looked so normal. They hadn't placed him in a hospital gown, and had instead left him in his old clothes, so he only looked like a really dirty trainer visiting someone. He was able to slip out the door without a problem.

    He quickly moved away from the front of the hospital, and instead got himself up to a small dirt path inbetween a row of trees. He had to admit this place was nice, flowers blooming everywhere, fragrance beyond the saltiness of the sea he was used to. The wind was also quite nice as well. He was a teenager running off into the theoretical night, as he knew that his patience would not leave him bed-ridden for even the slightest amount of time when adventure stood in front of him, and his only sense of direction was now the way the wind came. He decided to go opposite of it, and that had led him up to this path... he only hoped that when he went through it, he would end up at a safe place before the drug wore off.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    The walk only took him forty-five minutes. He made it through the forested path with no problems, and now stood at the foot of a large building with a white painted surface, an array of windmills dressing its top.

    "Hello, s-sir..."

    He hadn't even noticed that someone was out there with him. He stood in front of a small desk that seemed to be a reception desk, the small cash register in front of him. This place apparently charged to get in, Volkner realized.

    "... Yo. Sorry, I'm jus-" Volkner tried to speak. The blue haired person cut him off, a hint of fear evident in his voice.

    "To enter here, you'll need to pay ninety-one dollars and ten cents. Minus zero," he said, irritating Volkner slightly. A huge sum, and he was even trying to tell him that he refused to cut off the price in the slightest.

    "... I'm not here to get in, just taking a l-"

    Once again, the blue haired person cut him off, his silver-sleeved arm reaching up to scratch behind his head. He winced a bit, as if something pained him.

    "You wanted to ask questions? Same price."

    Why was this guy so intent on-

    Ninety-one ten spelled out nine-one-one-zero. He said minus zero.

    Nine one one. Was this guy in some sort of danger? No, it couldn't be. Even so, why would he ask a boy like Volkner to save him?

    Volkner's hand wrapped around the cold, tiny ball on his belt and pulled it out. He pressed the release switch, and a bright flash of light entered the area, in which he noticed that the blue haired, silver-shirted man winced even more. Something was paining him, definitely. But what?

    "Sorry sir, there's a G.U.N. policy here. It's a spanish term, I don't really know... but it means no Pokemon are allowed out..." Another wince, enough to make him groan a little.

    G.U.N.

    Gun.

    So, here he was with a choice. Save a guy who was being forced to con money out of people by gunpoint, or walk away with it on his conscience.

    He returned his Pokemon, and glared at the cashier-hostage.

    ... God damn it.

    Volkner walked forward. Faster by the second, until he was in a sprint, where he leaped up over the desk, sliding his foot against the blue haired person's face. It was rag-tag, ineffective tactical manuevering but damn it, it worked. He heard a loud banging sound, and was shaken for a moment... but he recovered quick enough to land on his feet and toss the ball in his hand beneath the desk. It opened up upon contact with the front, and he yelled out his orders in some language not plausible to him at this particular moment where all of the world seemed to be utter nonsense, a babbling variety of language that he tuned out.

    He saw the mouse pop out of the light that came forth, and follow his orders for a Thunderwave attack, leaving the gunmen that kneeled beneath the desk and had been pressing his gun up against the blue haired person's leg paralyzed. The gun dropped from his hands, and Volkner ran to pick it up.

    Things started to make sense again.

    The blue haired person sat at the front of the building, blood trickling from his what Volkner assumed to be his nose but couldn't really tell because the person had his hands over it as if the gesture would suddenly heal the wound. Volkner placed the gun on the desk, and moved over to him.

    "Smart. You alright? Didn't really mean to kick the **** out of ya... didn't see any other way, th-"

    It seemed the blue haired person made a habit out of interrupting people midsentence, even if he was safe.

    "... I'll be fine. Thank you, but there are more people inside. They want to take advantage of the tolling system for the tours this place is giving and charge outrageous prices, to get them some extra cash. They have the director of this place and my Pokemon inside. Toss me the gun on the table... you're done here if you want to be."

    Volkner only sighed.

    "... I haven't got much else to lose, I guess," he muttered. "I'll help you."

    "Thanks..." the blue haired person said. "What's your name?"

    "Volkner. Yours?"

    "Cyrus. Now, let's go take this place back..."

    Volkner then grinned, a bit excited by the prospect. He jolted to his feet and went to the desk, picking up the gun and handing it to Cyrus once he got himself to his feet and moved over to him.

    Both of them were nervous as hell, but Volkner really had nothing to lose. He was left in a foreign world where he knew no one, plus he was sort of running off an adrenaline-clouded mind. Cyrus just wanted his Pokemon back, for he was useless without them.

    "Well then," Volkner responded. "Let's go."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Wee! I totally went off script of my plan here, but I like this idea better. Sort of develops a bond between the two like I DID plan, don'tcha think? Plus it works better with some later plans too...

    Next chapter... Volkner and Cyrus take back the Valley Windworks!
    Last edited by D. Scott; 17th November 2010 at 1:45 AM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  12. #12
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    Chapter 2: Seige
    Do you mean "siege" by chance? I'm not sure since it is a title of a chapter (and it could be referring to a name or something). Just in case, I guess. =P

    hospitals like this, while acknowledged as a necessity by the fifteen year old boy, were one of his least favorite places in the world.

    They were filled with pain.
    For some reason, "Oh snap" entered my head, lulz. I guess it was the early connection between adult Cyrus, and teenage Cyrus who may be leaning or thinking about that ideology. "Here's where it begins," and all that fun stuff.

    I actually wasn't sure how old Cyrus was in your first chapter; I figured he was a bit older, but I'm definitely intrigued on how you're going to portray Cyrus as a teenager. It's oddly refreshing to see Cyrus not so nihilistic/narcissistic but rather ... well, I guess he is still slightly cynical, but no more than an average teenager or trainer who has been traveling for years now, I suppose. His narrative is certainly clever. I noticed that you slipped in words like "eliminate" and refer to people as "humans" instead, which is very Cyrus-like, but it's not in reference to overly-complicated topics, or topics that adult Cyrus would be interested in. "Fossil fuels needed to be eliminated." Pretty sneaky, if you're doing that on purpose. =P I do like that when he does comment on the actions of humans, like the use of fossil fuels, or the damaging of property via pokemon battles, he doesn't seem to do it in disdain. He is certainly self-aware of the problems that human causes, but he doesn't seem to be bitter about it ... yet.

    Right. Anyway.

    All one needed to do to understand why he would want to get out of a lovely town like this one, was look him in the eyes.
    I'm a little confused with this sentence, though I think it's a structure problem. Like you may not need the comma, but even then, the sentence doesn't make that much sense (so I can see why you think the pause there was warranted). It could be because it's a little chunkier than needed. Maybe
    All one needed to do to understand why he would want to get out was to look him in the eyes.
    Since you already referenced "lovely town" in the sentence before. But meh. =P

    Cyrus only wanted confirmation for the slight bit of doubt in his head that all human minds carried on themselves, but for the most part he knew he was correct already... for he had already researched the place.
    Oh, you ellipse-er, you. This sentence is a bit long, even if you didn't tack on the "for he already" part. You might want to consider semicolon-ing it instead to make the research part a little snappier:
    Cyrus only wanted confirmation for the slight bit of doubt in his head that all human minds carried on themselves, but for the most part he knew he was correct already; he had already researched the place.
    But your choice.

    It was nothing to do with his real interests, but he still found it an interesting place to explore the possibilities of.
    "Was" might be better off as "had."

    Right outside was a small toll both
    Booth

    "... Hi?" He half-replied, half-questioned.
    "He" should be lower-case.

    The voice was coming from a source he had not thought possible. In the instant after he spoke, a flash occured in front of his eyes, and hanging upside down in front of him was a combination of various metal plates painted jet black with small eyes of blue carved into the steel.
    Occurred

    "... Uhm, yes," Cyrus glared at the creature with mild apprehensiveness, but figured it best to trust the thing if he were to get the thing he came here looking for.
    The comma in red should be a period. Also, the comma between "apprehensiveness" and "but" isn't necessary.

    The robot fell to the floor with a thud.

    click

    Over the sound of the computers, Cyrus heard an all too familiar sound very close to his ears. As he prepared to turn around and investigate, his hand reaching toward his belt to unleash his single way of protecting himself, he felt cold hard metal press past his hair and dig into the flesh of the back of his forehead.

    "Hand off the belt, kid. One move after that, and I'll make sure your brains are all over the floor."
    D: Interesting. "All too familiar sound" ... I wonder why Cyrus would be familiar with a gun (I assume it's a gun). I'm a little confused by your description here. The back of your forehead? Is that super fancy description for "back of your head" or did you just mean "forehead?"

    I'd like to comment on the simplicity here (I mean this in a good way). I suppose I should have expected something from the robot randomly falling to the ground (I guess I did), but I do like that you didn't really make a huge deal out of narrative/description with this scene. I think that simple "click" was enough to alert readers of something. So while I was expecting something odd, I wasn't sure what. A neat mixture of knowing but not knowing, you know?

    Yeah.

    =| Lol.

    He made out pink then, and then the shape of a woman's body who he recognized almost immediately to be the one who pushed his hand down when he lifted it.
    Lot of "then"'s here. I think the first one is a mistake.

    "Do you know your name?" the nurse asked.

    "Volkner," he responded.

    "Where are you from?" she continued.

    "Olivine City..." Volkner muttered. The implications this could possibly have eluded him for a couple more moments, before they hit him.

    ... crap. Think.

    "Oh? Olivine in Johto? My, were you on a tour...?"

    "You mean this is-... uhm, I mean... yes. I was." Volkner slipped the sentence past his lips after a couple of moments, after realizing just what was going on... he wasn't in Johto anymore.
    I like this bit and how quick the conversation goes. =P It makes Volkner's slip more believable, and his lie afterward more amusing. Plus that little bit of thought in between ... =3

    You know, I'm a big fan of the word "crap" in stories. I abuse that poor word a lot, too, but it's fitting for a lot of occasions, isn't it? It's such a small word, but it describe a character's mood so fittingly at the same time.

    She nodded, and reached for the desk that sat next to his bed, and slipped open the first drawer. She pulled out the red and white ball, and pressed the release switch on the center, pale skin touching silver steel. Volkner shut his eyes as a bright flash echoed through the room for a moment, but opened them again when he felt soft fur touch his skin, a familiarly warm hand placed against the side of his head.
    You might want to delete the "and" between "nodded" and "reached."

    All the other commas in red aren't needed.

    "To enter here, you'll need to pay ninety-one dollars and ten cents. Minus zero." he said, irritating Volkner slightly.
    Period in red should be a comma.

    Ninety-one ten spelled out nine-one-one-zero. He said minus zero.

    Nine one one. Was this guy in some sort of danger? No, it couldn't be. Even so, why would he ask a boy like Volkner to save him?
    Now sounds like a prime opportunity to say, "Oh snap." =P

    So, here he was with a choice. Save a guy who was being forced to con money out of people by gunpoint, or walk away with it on his conscience.

    He returned his Pokemon, and glared at the cashier-hostage.

    ... God damn it.
    Once again, I do enjoy Volker's sass/snark here. xP

    On a side note, you can spell "damn it" as "dammit" or even make it one fun ole "goddammit." Preferences, though. =P

    He heard a loud banging sound, and was shaken for a moment... but he recovered quick enough to land on his feet and toss the ball in his hand beneath the desk. It opened up upon contact with the front, and he yelled out his orders in some language not plausible to him at this particular moment where all of the world seemed to be utter nonsense, a babbling variety of language that he tuned out.
    Hehe, like this bit, too. No sense makes sense for the situation, if that made sense.

    I was gonna be lame and add a "but that's my two cents" after that, but then that's just corny territory.

    The blue haired person sat at the front of the building, blood trickling from his what Volkner assumed to be his nose but couldn't really tell because the person had his hands over it as if the gesture would suddenly heal the wound. Volkner placed the gun on the desk, and moved over to him.

    "Smart. You alright? Didn't really mean to kick the **** out of ya... didn't see any other way, th-"

    It seemed the blue haired person made a habit out of interuppting people midsentence, even if he was safe.
    Interrupting.

    Also quoted this whole thing because I like the snark in it as well ("as if the gesture would suddenly heal the wound.") and the somewhat smart-*** comment Volkner made out of him. He must be a fun character to write. =P

    Some fun twists of events. I'm going to assume Volker's drug side effects are going to kick in sooner or later in the next chapter. I wonder who "they" is and why they picked the Valley Windworks to take hostage to make money. Do people visit the Valley Windworks that often? I guess it is new ...

    A few things I was a little skeptical about, like the whole "nine one one dollars minus zero thing" and the "G.U.N" policy. Aren't those kind of obvious clues that may agitate the gunmen under the desk? And the leg is an interesting place to hold someone hostage by. =P If the guy was under the desk, I figured there might be more subtle ways to indicate that Cyrus was in trouble (I mean, the guy has limited vision past Cyrus head, I assume). But eh. Whatever gets the job done, I suppose.

    And hey! You cut down on ellipses a bit. XP

    Overall, a good chapter. It was nice to see you use different perspectives, and therefore two different writing styles/narratives; it shows that you're pretty flexible as a writer.
    Last edited by Breezy; 16th November 2010 at 8:51 PM.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Do you mean "siege" by chance? I'm not sure since it is a title of a chapter (and it could be referring to a name or something). Just in case, I guess. =P

    Can I start out with saying I -love- it when you review this? You're just about the only source of consistent crticism I've had in the four months I've been a serious writer. Thank you.

    Yes, I meant Siege. Thanks for pointing it out!


    For some reason, "Oh snap" entered my head, lulz. I guess it was the early connection between adult Cyrus, and teenage Cyrus who may be leaning or thinking about that ideology. "Here's where it begins," and all that fun stuff.

    Wee! Indeed.

    I actually wasn't sure how old Cyrus was in your first chapter; I figured he was a bit older, but I'm definitely intrigued on how you're going to portray Cyrus as a teenager. It's oddly refreshing to see Cyrus not so nihilistic/narcissistic but rather ... well, I guess he is still slightly cynical, but no more than an average teenager or trainer who has been traveling for years now, I suppose. His narrative is certainly clever. I noticed that you slipped in words like "eliminate" and refer to people as "humans" instead, which is very Cyrus-like, but it's not in reference to overly-complicated topics, or topics that adult Cyrus would be interested in. "Fossil fuels needed to be eliminated." Pretty sneaky, if you're doing that on purpose. =P I do like that when he does comment on the actions of humans, like the use of fossil fuels, or the damaging of property via pokemon battles, he doesn't seem to do it in disdain. He is certainly self-aware of the problems that human causes, but he doesn't seem to be bitter about it ... yet.

    I'm glad someone likes the way I'm portraying him! One of the many things I worry about on this. x_x;

    Right. Anyway.

    I'm a little confused with this sentence, though I think it's a structure problem. Like you may not need the comma, but even then, the sentence doesn't make that much sense (so I can see why you think the pause there was warranted). It could be because it's a little chunkier than needed. Maybe
    All one needed to do to understand why he would want to get out was to look him in the eyes.
    Since you already referenced "lovely town" in the sentence before. But meh. =P

    I'll use that instead. Sounds better to me.

    Oh, you ellipse-er, you. This sentence is a bit long, even if you didn't tack on the "for he already" part. You might want to consider semicolon-ing it instead to make the research part a little snappier:
    Cyrus only wanted confirmation for the slight bit of doubt in his head that all human minds carried on themselves, but for the most part he knew he was correct already; he had already researched the place.
    But your choice.

    Once again, sounds better.

    "Was" might be better off as "had."

    fix'd.

    Booth

    fix'd.

    "He" should be lower-case.

    fix'd.

    Occurred

    fix'd.


    The comma in red should be a period. Also, the comma between "apprehensiveness" and "but" isn't necessary.

    D: Interesting. "All too familiar sound" ... I wonder why Cyrus would be familiar with a gun (I assume it's a gun). I'm a little confused by your description here. The back of your forehead? Is that super fancy description for "back of your head" or did you just mean "forehead?"

    Meant back of head! Sheesh.

    I'd like to comment on the simplicity here (I mean this in a good way). I suppose I should have expected something from the robot randomly falling to the ground (I guess I did), but I do like that you didn't really make a huge deal out of narrative/description with this scene. I think that simple "click" was enough to alert readers of something. So while I was expecting something odd, I wasn't sure what. A neat mixture of knowing but not knowing, you know?

    Yeah.

    =| Lol.

    Yeah. It works a lot better in a suspense scene to leave things up to the imagination of the reader, in my opinion.

    Lot of "then"'s here. I think the first one is a mistake.

    Indeed it was. fix'd.

    I like this bit and how quick the conversation goes. =P It makes Volkner's slip more believable, and his lie afterward more amusing. Plus that little bit of thought in between ... =3

    You know, I'm a big fan of the word "crap" in stories. I abuse that poor word a lot, too, but it's fitting for a lot of occasions, isn't it? It's such a small word, but it describe a character's mood so fittingly at the same time.

    I know, right?

    You might want to delete the "and" between "nodded" and "reached."

    I didn't intend to put it in the first place. Ayeeiii, I really need to get to proofreading better. x_x;

    All the other commas in red aren't needed.

    Fix'd.

    Period in red should be a comma.

    Now sounds like a prime opportunity to say, "Oh snap." =P

    Once again, I do enjoy Volker's sass/snark here. xP

    On a side note, you can spell "damn it" as "dammit" or even make it one fun ole "goddammit." Preferences, though. =P

    Hehe, like this bit, too. No sense makes sense for the situation, if that made sense.

    Indeed it did.

    I was gonna be lame and add a "but that's my two cents" after that, but then that's just corny territory.

    I would have laughed my *** off at that. In fact, I just did.

    Interrupting.

    fix'd

    Also quoted this whole thing because I like the snark in it as well ("as if the gesture would suddenly heal the wound.") and the somewhat smart-*** comment Volkner made out of him. He must be a fun character to write. =P

    Some fun twists of events. I'm going to assume Volker's drug side effects are going to kick in sooner or later in the next chapter. I wonder who "they" is and why they picked the Valley Windworks to take hostage to make money. Do people visit the Valley Windworks that often? I guess it is new ...

    A few things I was a little skeptical about, like the whole "nine one one dollars minus zero thing" and the "G.U.N" policy. Aren't those kind of obvious clues that may agitate the gunmen under the desk? And the leg is an interesting place to hold someone hostage by. =P If the guy was under the desk, I figured there might be more subtle ways to indicate that Cyrus was in trouble (I mean, the guy has limited vision past Cyrus head, I assume). But eh. Whatever gets the job done, I suppose.

    Indeed. I sort of stole the scene from "Hancock", and I couldn't quite figure out much else with the gun situation. As you said, whatever gets the job done.

    And hey! You cut down on ellipses a bit. XP

    Overall, a good chapter. It was nice to see you use different perspectives, and therefore two different writing styles/narratives; it shows that you're pretty flexible as a writer.

    Yay! I'm flexible! Screw writing, I'm gonna get a job as a professional contortionist- oh, a flexible writer. Not physically...

    ... not gonna cry.
    As usual, comments in bold. Thank you for the review!


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  14. #14
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    Chapter 3: Partnership

    If there were two things that the strangers who knew each other only by name shared, they were heartbeat and emotion.

    Volkner's hand pressed against the metal push-door, hot from the sun of the day. His heart beat hard and fast, mixed in with the fear he felt at the knowledge that a strange man could turn the corner at any particular moment and make his brain the newest addition to the wallpaper. There had been a gunshot. If Cyrus was correct and there were more people inside, this was bound to tip them off that something had happened and they would come to investigate. The only assurance he had was the gun in his newfound partner's hand and even that was dependent upon reflex that Volkner couldn't be sure Cyrus had.

    He was, admittedly, already starting to reget his decision to assist. Perhaps it had been his conscience unable to let him walk away, or confusion... but no matter the case he was stuck here, afraid or not, and he couldn't go back on his word now.

    "There are four main rooms of the Valley Windworks," Cyrus whispered, "along with the various smaller rooms. Each of the four main rooms houses a computer system for functionality of the place and a goon. Whoever these guys are, we're gonna have to sneak past 'em or beat 'em... hopefully the former."

    Volkner nodded in understanding.

    However, he actually understood very little of his predicament and he knew this fact well. What made him lie was the single realization that he could smell the sweet stench of adrenaline in the air around him, and he was no longer a cramped up school boy waiting for the day he turned eighteen - he was doing something now, something that wasn't in the least bit dull. Frankly, he was almost willing to risk his life for such a thing at this particular moment.

    His lips curled into a twisted grin as he applied pressure to the door and slipped through, his partner following shortly behind him. Both of them breathed heavily, their chests expanding and deflating every second with the realization that it was a liability but something that they couldn't really help. Volkner felt as if his feet were nonexistent, as if he were gliding over the marble flooring even though he knew he was not. The tension in the air could be cut easier than a warm knife sliced through butter.

    The situation was not entirely helped by the fact that Cyrus collided into Volkner when the younger boy screeched to a halt, toppling over and creating noise when that was the exact opposite of the goal Volkner had intended when his eyes turned the corner and observed a person.

    This person seemed unaware of the noise, which was always an advantage in stealthiness. Volkner's thumb curved around the corner, and he whispered a set of commands to Chuseph. Dutifully, the tiny mouse Pokemon nodded and slipped around the corner. Volkner simply put his faith in the creature to do what it was good for, and a few moments later he heard a pained cry. However, it had come from a source he wasn't quite hoping to hear.

    "CHUUU!"

    Chuseph had been found. Seeing no use in trying stealthiness anymore, Volkner and Cyrus slipped around the corner and stared their new assailant right in the face.

    He was a rather tall man, dressed in black from head to toe except for his head and hands. From the distance, Volkner could tell his hands were coarse and calloused, as if he had been working all his life. Perhaps it was the truth. His facial features were rather intimidating, somewhat reminding Volkner of a figure from his past that left him in a state of mild shock; Cyrus, however, found this man's look somewhat interesting. He seemed ambitious, but unable to get his ambitions done through any way but crimes like these, and Cyrus pitied him. His hair was stacked on top of his head in a strange U-like fashion.

    But no matter the case, Cyrus was forced to be the one to come forward and raise his gun. It was just a question of who would could fire first - Cyrus, or this man's Bronzor, the circular metal plate with eyes.

    "So you did steal Roy's gun. Tch. Such a pity, that man," the person holding Chuseph in his hands, the Pokemon limp as if unconscious, said. "As are the rest of these fools. Usin' their guns and ****... real men at least hijack places with guts."

    The hostage holder scoffed, noticing that Cyrus held the gun shakily, hesitantly.

    "Oh come on, kid. If you're gonna have a cheap weapon like that, at least hold it with confidence."

    Cyrus began to shake worse at the comment, struggling to keep himself steady. He was barely afraid at all, but rage set onto him, a great weight over his shoulders that made it hard to stand still. But for the sake of his partner's Pokemon, he was withdrawing his fire for the moment.

    "Let the Pichu g-go, or I'll shoot..." Cyrus threatened.

    "Really, kid?" the man sneered. "Let's see who'd win..."

    He extended a hand, and the blue metallic plate floated over to him obediently. "Your gun, or my Bronzor."

    "... Well, let's u-uh... see!" Cyrus said, trying his hardest to stay threatening but not really being all that successful. He was shaking even further. He was frightened out of his wits, for he knew one wrong move could mean a restored captivity; or worse.

    Volkner, by this point, was able to break himself out of his shocked state and pull himself up to his feet. The fight had nearly been worn out of him by the sight of this man, Cyrus could tell, but he had no idea why.

    "Let my P-Pokemon g-go," the stuttering boy demanded. "or I'll t-tuh-take him f-from you myself..."

    "Oh, stutter the boy wonder is up!" the man exclaimed, excitement evident in his voice. "I was wondering if I'd only get to deal with one little pest..."

    Volkner grimaced.

    Suddenly, the man cried out his first order. "Bronzor, confuse ray!"

    Cyrus then grimaced too, his finger pulling backward and thus pulling the trigger. A loud bang burst through the room as the gun went off, a single bullet zooming through the air, having been aimed for the man's leg...

    ... but to no avail. As predicted by him, the man's Bronzor simply moved in front and took the bullet, leaving him with a small scratch. The steel-like surface seemed almost indestructable in that short moment.

    It then fired its attack. Out of its eyes, the two boys could make out a pulsating throng of energy rings in a variety of colors right before their minds turned to mush.``

    ****

    "Land ahoy!" a cheerful seaman cried, extending a single pudgey finger outward toward the landmass visible on the horizon. Silence ensued for a moment, before - in traditional mannerisms for seafarers who traveled through this system, so the pamphlet she read had said - the boat erupted into a thunderous cheer, her own timid applause mixed in with it but drowned out by the more enthusiastic passengers. It did not bother her much at all; quite to the contrary, it pleased her.

    She was the type of girl who preferred not to have attention drawn to herself. Situations like that left her stuck in paralysis, self-conscious doubts running through her mind as she stood there in her frozen daze.

    Did I say something stupid?
    Did I do something stupid?
    Do I look ugly?
    Do I sound wrong?


    It was for these reasons that she closed in upon the shores of Pastoria City. She was regretting her decision to come here and do this, but she couldn't turn back now. Besides, for some strange reason, she couldn't quite shake the feeling that she wasn't alone in her regret: somebody out there was feeling the same way.

    ****

    The man let loose a howl of laughter as he observed the two. The blue haired one on the left was now pretty well convinced he was a Seel, it seemed; his hands were stuck out in front of him and repeatedly clapped them together, his mouth opening to release a low pitched rough bark. This was the most entertaining of the two individual reactions, as the yellow haired one just seemed to be convinced he was lifting dumbbells, his arms extended toward the sides and lifting up, hands curled into tight fists around imaginary bars.

    "My god," he said between chuckles. "Captain Giggles and the Body Builder... good nicknames for you two, don't you think?"

    As he spoke, a sudden ring echoed through his ears. It was the sound of his phone, a realization that sent shudders down his spine for he knew it meant dealing with his idiotic team mates.

    He slipped the phone up to his ear, and spoke.

    "Yeah, yeah, what's up Gomel?" he asked.

    "Saturn, have you taken care of the intruders?"

    "'course. Confuse Ray'd 'em with Bronzor... what now?"

    "Tie them up. As a precaution, blindfold 'em... but, well, they 'prolly won't live to report any eyewitnessing, but it's better safe than sorry, right?"

    "Right."

    click

    The sound of the phone shutting off hit his ear, and he pushed it back down into his pocket.

    "Idiot," Saturn complained. "Interruptin' me in the middle of something good... besides, why blind fold 'em if we're gonna kill them anyways? Now boys, where were we?"

    As he spoke, he watched the yellow haired boy - "the Body Builder" - fall down like a ton of bricks. Confuse Ray did that sometimes, as most energy based moves did, to humans... the boy would recover before the day was out, so he'd at least enjoy some mobility before his death.

    "Hmph. Too big a work out, huh? Shame, isn't it, Captain Giggles?" Saturn said through a smirk. He approached the boy and offered a sadistic kick; the symbolic act of kicking a person when they're down. Not at all pleased with the grunt of pain received from the act, but not really wishing to pursue it any further, Jupiter turned toward a close by desk and sat down, swirling the chair around and watching Captain Giggles do his routine.

    ****

    christ it hurts
    what the hell is going on


    He had long since lost his ability to move and to think, leaving him floating in an endless black void. He wanted to do something, he wanted to scream... and it seemed as if his prayers would be answered soon enough. His thoughts were somewhat clear now, at least dechiperable in a mind where they were previously just as enigmatic as heiroglyphics to your average four year old.

    is that....
    no
    stop that volkner
    he's dead


    He looked up as best he could to see medium sized legs close to him, muscle evident but not too overbearingly present. They were wrapped in tight black fabric, and he then recognized it to be the man in control of the Bronzor, and his leg was throwing itself backward...

    holy **** this is going to hurt

    thud


    Those same legs collided with his chest with a forcefulness Volkner had not thought possible. Pain rushed through him, causing him to cry out in protest, but the sound was warped and strangled. He could not do a thing to defend himself, either.

    He realized then that he was probably going to die.

    ****

    "Yes sir, I heard a gunshot near the Valley Windworks. A scream too, I think... yes sir, I'm sure! Go do your job and check it out! Sheesh..."

    ****

    Jupiter let loose a small sigh. He was going to have to leave this place pretty soon, he knew - he needed to be backup for Liam, the member of the team who was supposed to do the whole conning thing in the first place, though he had been allowed a relaxation when Captain Giggles over there had wandered into the place. Damned Gomel had forgotten to lock the door: some smart team leader, Jupiter had thought sarcastically when he realized this fact.

    But he didn't particularly want to do anything. He was in a lazy, ****** off mood at this particular time... but it couldn't be helped, he thought. Time to kill the children.

    He lay back, and spoke.

    "Bronzor, use confusi-"

    wheeeeooooooo

    A sharp pang of fear caused him to bolt upright, as that sound that all criminals dreaded rang through his ears. A horrified expression rested on his face; it was a siren. Without wasting a moment, Saturn reached toward his belt and grabbed the ball attached to it, and pressed the release switch in the center in order to open the ball, sending out a red flash of energy that enveloped his Bronzor and sucked it back in. He then reattached it, and dashed toward the next room.

    It was a bland little place. A few desks scattered around, papers thrown aside as the curious members of their four-man team had viewed them. Most important of all, a window just the right size for Saturn to open and jump through, darting off into the distance. He'd have to tell the real boss that he had no choice but to leave the other men behind, he supposed. They were useless creeps anyway.

    ****

    "This is unit 10, answering the Valley Windworks call. We need a medical team here, quick."


    This was all Volkner heard before he peacefully allowed himself to fall back into the void of unconsciousness.

    ****

    Volkner's eyes slowly peeled open, a familiar light filtering in at a steady pace. It was artificial, the light he now recognized through previous experience to be the type of lights that dotted the ceiling of Floroma Medical Center. He felt the soft fabric of the bed beneath him, as well as a blanket covering him and the pillow upon which he rested his head. Light beeps, the occasional cough and the sound of a woman's voice on intercom were all the sounds he could hear for a few moments, before he could manage to hear a voice.

    "... You worried me sick, boy! First you run from the hospital, then you go off and do something so dumb like this..."

    It was the voice of that nurse he had in his last visit here.

    "... oh crap," Volkner thought.

    "Now, do you want to explain yourself?!" the nurse demanded, worry evident in her voice. Volkner appreciated her concern, but really wished she had less loud and less annoying ways of expressing it.

    "Now, now..." a voice said. Volkner turned his head to the side, and on the other side of him sat the blue haired boy from the Valley Windworks: Cyrus. "... he just woke up. Let's let him relax a bit. You can question him later, can't you, ma'am...?"

    The nurse looked to Cyrus, obviously realizing she'd been defeated. She sighed, and shook her head.

    "I suppose you're right... but that was reckless, boy! Do it again and gunmen will be the least of your problems..." she muttered. "... oh, and because of your little stunt, you've been injured a little more. Your muscles are probably extremely fatigued, and you'll paralyze yourself if you try to leave again, so no more kindness on our part for you. In other words, no drugs, other than a pain reliever. You should be good to go by Monday..."

    She then turned around and walked off.

    Volkner turned his head to Cyrus, and saw that he was grinning.

    "They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned..." he said. "I guess it's a pretty accurate quote, huh?"

    Volkner laughed weakly in response.

    "You know," Cyrus continued. "It's funny. I realized right before that Bronzor fried our brains that you were the kid in the Old Chateau. Was wondering, what were you doing in there anyway?"

    Volkner stared at him for a couple of moments, and then finally allowed himself to speak up.

    "... T-that's a good question. Thanks for getting me out of there, though..." Volkner groaned. "... but yeah, it is funny, huh? You s-suh-save my life, I save yours... sorta."

    "No sorta about it. You saved his, and probably mine too." A monotonous voice droned, and Volkner looked up. It was a man in a labcoat, a head of shaggy black hair matted to his face. "Both of you are very courageous boys."

    Cyrus looked up to him, and smiled. "Director. Wasn't expecting to see you here..."

    The man in the labcoat nodded. "Please, boy. Call me Nap. For your assistant here," he said, his gaze drifting over to Volkner. "I will explain who I am. I am the Director of the Valley Windworks, name Ked Abel. Though I'd prefer to be called Nap."

    "... That's a bit of a s-strange nickname," Volkner said.

    Nap Abel laughed, a dull sound. "Indeed. Long story. Anyway, I'd like to give you two a reward for your bravery."

    "No reward is necessary-" Cyrus tried to say, but found himself interrupted.

    "Don't l-listen to my friend here," Volkner said eagerly. "What is it?"

    Another dull laugh from Nap.

    "I insist. It is in this envelope."

    With those words, he reached into a coat pocket and pulled out a white envelope, handing it to Cyrus. Then he waved and trotted off.

    The two boys sat in silence for a couple minutes, before Volkner got impatient and urged Cyrus to open the envelope. Carefully, Cyrus submitted himself to his curiousity and peeled it open... and stared in awe.

    He pulled out a rather nicely sized wad of hundred PokeDollar bills. He took a few moments to count it, then stuttered out a response.

    "... Five t-thuh-thousand PokeDollars," he stammered. "... and there's a note."

    He set down the money on the bed at Volkner's side, then slipped out the note and read it aloud.


    "To cover the hospital bills, and any expenses you may have for a while on travels. I sold some stock to get the money. Don't worry on paying back. Good luck to you two!

    Signed, Ked 'Nap' Abel."



    "... Nice guy," Volkner whispered. Cyrus seemed not to hear him, absorbing in the shock of receiving such a hefty amount of money and all for free. Volkner managed to raise his voice a bit. "So, what happened to y-your Pokemon?" he asked.

    Cyrus looked up, and offered a quick smile. "They're fine, thanks for asking. Your Pokemon, by the way, is inside one of the drawers on the nightstand."

    Volkner nodded.

    The two were silent.

    -----------------------
    THREE DAYS LATER
    -----------------------

    Volkner stood at the entrance of Floroma Pokemart, a backpack strap on each shoulder, a large blue backpack on his back. A brand new outfit clothed him, the old one ditched due to its wear and tear long since beyond repair. He looked a million times better than he had in days; that probably attributed to the boy who stood beside him. Both of them wore smiles on their faces, and both had the unspoken agreement in their heads.

    The two had the unspoken agreement that they would be travel companions for a while.

    Volkner was stuck in a region which he did not know; the details had been explained to Cyrus in the hospital, and although a bit rattled and sceptic on the supernatural story, he didn't seem to have completely cast the possibility out of his mind. He had told Volkner that he was just as interested in finding answers as he was, if it was true.

    Cyrus was still a bit rattled from his sudden captivity. He felt a travel partner would make him a bit more secure.

    Both depended on each other for now, and neither knew where the hell they would be heading next: but they were both willing to walk off into the sunrise on the horizon and find out.

    -------

    Chapter 3 get! Surprise, surprise,     Spoiler:- click only if you've already read, dummy:


    Next Chapter: "Into the Old Chateau!-"
    "No, no, not a good idea. That place is haunted ya know, ya idiots!"

    - EDIT: Just thought about it, would anyone here be interested about being on a PM list? In case you don't know what that is, it's a system where I'd PM you every time a new chapter comes up.
    Last edited by D. Scott; 12th December 2010 at 3:00 PM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  15. #15
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    Whee, late review~! Apologies. Been busy with school, and I finally found a break to sit down and read some stories here. =P

    This person seemed unaware of the noise, which was always an advantage in stealthiness. Volkner's thumb curved around the corner, and he whispered a set of commands to Chuseph. Dutifully, the tiny mouse Pokemon nodded and slipped around the corner. Volkner simply put his faith in the creature to do what it was good for, and a few moments later he heard a pained cry. However, it had come from a source he wasn't quite hoping to hear.
    I always forget to tell you that the nickname "Chuseph" is awesome. Not sure why. That's besides my point, though. I'm actually a little confused on Volkner's position on pokemon. I know in the first chapter, he considered them beasts and disregarded their feelings, but at the same time, he seems to have some trust in them (or he trusts their animal instinct). I figure Volkner doesn't hate pokemon if he wants to be a trainer, but he's not wimpy in regards to trying to be their bff? Something like that? Like maybe a less extreme version of Silver in the games?

    I wouldn't say it's conflicting, but it does get a bit confusing on how much he trusts pokemon, especially with Chuseph as Volkner has voiced his opinion about the "rat" earlier.

    He was a rather tall man, dressed in black from head to toe except for his head and hands. From the distance, Volkner could tell his hands were coarse and calloused, as if he had been working all his life. Perhaps it was the truth. His facial features were rather intimidating, somewhat reminding Volkner of a figure from his past that left him in a state of mild shock; Cyrus, however, found this man's look somewhat interesting. He seemed ambitious, but unable to get his ambitions done through any way but crimes like these, and Cyrus pitied him. His hair was stacked on top of his head in a strange U-like fashion.
    Interesting reactions from both pairs. Wonder who the man reminds Volkner of. And Cyrus' reactions seems Cyrus (serious?) like. I have no idea why I like the way you tacked on that "and Cyrus pitied him" at the end. Maybe cuz it's just simple and ... well, blunt.

    I do think the hair bit after the examination/reaction about the man's face seems a bit out of place, though, mostly because it jumps from the reaction from another set of characters back to character descriptions.

    "So you did steal Roy's gun. Tch. Such a pity, that man," the person holding Chuseph in his hands, the Pokemon limp as if unconscious, said. "As are the rest of these fools. Usin' their guns and ****... real men at least hijack places with guts."
    I'm a bit iffy on the phrase in bold since it's a little messy. You might be better off rearranging it for clarity, like: "the person said, holding a limp Chuseph in his hands as if the pokemon were unconscious" or something.

    I kind of like this guy, though (even though I prolly shouldn't). He seems like a bad *** for a bad guy, especially with his following lines. =P

    Cyrus began to shake worse at the comment, struggling to keep himself steady. He was barely afraid at all, but rage set onto him, a great weight over his shoulders that made it hard to stand still. But for the sake of his partner's Pokemon, he was withdrawing his fire for the moment.
    I dunno. You depict him kind of scared with the "hesitantly, shakily" lines, along with Cyrus' stuttering a line later:

    "Let the Pichu g-go, or I'll shoot..." Cyrus threatened.
    Though I do get the rage part, too. Just seems like both fear and anger instead of it just being rage.

    ...Yeah, now that I read further, the "barely afraid at all" line might be a mess up since you later write:

    "... Well, let's u-uh... see!" Cyrus said, trying his hardest to stay threatening but not really being all that successful. He was shaking even further. He was frightened out of his wits, for he knew one wrong move could mean a restored captivity; or worse.
    On a small note, you'd be better off changing the semicolon in red into a dash since you shouldn't be able to (at least grammatically) be able to use a semicolon there.

    "Oh, stutter the boy wonder is up!" the man exclaimed, excitement evident in his voice. "I was wondering if I'd only get to deal with one little pest..."
    Lulz at the name. =P

    She was the type of girl who preferred not to have attention drawn to herself. Situations like that left her stuck in paralysis, self-conscious doubts running through her mind as she stood there in her frozen daze.

    Did I say something stupid?
    Did I do something stupid?
    Do I look ugly?
    Do I sound wrong?
    Lol, women. *shot*

    Nah, I really like this part since it echos what a lot of people are thinking when their out in public and attention is thrown at them.

    "Idiot," Saturn complained. "Interruptin' me in the middle of something good... besides, why blind fold 'em if we're gonna kill them anyways? Now boys, where were we?"
    Indeed.

    I am wondering if this is a different named Saturn or the same Saturn that we know from D/P/PT. Cuz if it's the latter, I always thought he was younger than Cyrus. That's what it looks like anyway.

    Not at all pleased with the grunt of pain received from the act, but not really wishing to pursue it any further, Jupiter turned toward a close by desk and sat down, swirling the chair around and watching Captain Giggles do his routine.
    Do you mean Saturn instead of Jupiter? D:

    is that....
    no
    stop that volkner
    he's dead


    [...]

    holy **** this is going to hurt

    thud


    Those same legs collided with his chest with a forcefulness Volkner had not thought possible. Pain rushed through him, causing him to cry out in protest, but the sound was warped and strangled. He could not do a thing to defend himself, either.

    He realized then that he was probably going to die.
    Liked this part, too, with the way it merged the italic thought with what was really going on and the explanation of Volkner's mindset during the confuse ray. I can't help but wonder how many times Volkner thinks he's going to die by now. First the girl, then the gastly, now all of this? =P Poor kid can't catch a break (though maybe he likes it that way).

    Jupiter let loose a small sigh. He was going to have to leave this place pretty soon, he knew - he needed to be backup for Liam, the member of the team who was supposed to do the whole conning thing in the first place, though he had been allowed a relaxation when Captain Giggles over there had wandered into the place. Damned Gomel had forgotten to lock the door: some smart team leader, Jupiter had thought sarcastically when he realized this fact.
    Kay, now I'm officially confused on what this guy is named, lol. Skimming ahead, you switch back to Saturn. Who is he? ;-;

    But he didn't particularly want to do anything. He was in a lazy, ****** off mood at this particular time... but it couldn't be helped, he thought. Time to kill the children.
    Lol, love the last line. I imagined it being said gleefully with a "hurrah!" after it.


    Anyway, lots of new revelations in this chapter, like the appearance of Saturn who I'm still a bit confused about in terms of if it's the same Saturn from the various canon or not. I think it is (the u-shaped hair description and all), though I think it's odd to have Cyrus as a kid/teenager while Saturn is being described as a man, or at least appears to be older. Cyrus always looked older than Saturn in his artwork. But ... meh, maybe it's not the same Saturn? Lol.

    You know, I honestly found the duo of Volkner and Cyrus to be a weird one, especially when you introduced them (guess I was stuck on adult Cyrus), but the way you make them interact makes them seem like a good pair. Volkner seems to be a bit rash and hard-headed and snarky while Cyrus is a bit calmer and politer, so it makes a good balance. I liked their interactions near the end the most. I also like them as solo characters; I've already voiced how awesome I think Volkner is, and I think it's interesting to read Cyrus as someone who is somewhat adjusted instead of ... well, you know. Can't wait to read more about their travels.

    I did wonder about Volkner's earlier drug problem as if it would effect him, which I'm not positive if it did or not. He did collapse during his confuse ray stint and couldn't move during it. Was that the drug or the confuse ray?

    You also might want to run this chapter through a spellchecker. There were some typos that could have been caught ("regret" instead of "reget" or "indestructable" instead of "indestructible"). Other than that, this chapter was pretty clean grammatically. =P

    Will be waiting for the next chapter!

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Whee, late review~! Apologies. Been busy with school, and I finally found a break to sit down and read some stories here. =P

    I always forget to tell you that the nickname "Chuseph" is awesome. Not sure why. That's besides my point, though. I'm actually a little confused on Volkner's position on pokemon. I know in the first chapter, he considered them beasts and disregarded their feelings, but at the same time, he seems to have some trust in them (or he trusts their animal instinct). I figure Volkner doesn't hate pokemon if he wants to be a trainer, but he's not wimpy in regards to trying to be their bff? Something like that? Like maybe a less extreme version of Silver in the games?

    Bingo. He views them as only good for violence like battling, for reasons which'll be revealed later on.

    I wouldn't say it's conflicting, but it does get a bit confusing on how much he trusts pokemon, especially with Chuseph as Volkner has voiced his opinion about the "rat" earlier.

    Interesting reactions from both pairs. Wonder who the man reminds Volkner of. And Cyrus' reactions seems Cyrus (serious?) like. I have no idea why I like the way you tacked on that "and Cyrus pitied him" at the end. Maybe cuz it's just simple and ... well, blunt.

    Hehe.

    I do think the hair bit after the examination/reaction about the man's face seems a bit out of place, though, mostly because it jumps from the reaction from another set of characters back to character descriptions.

    I'm a bit iffy on the phrase in bold since it's a little messy. You might be better off rearranging it for clarity, like: "the person said, holding a limp Chuseph in his hands as if the pokemon were unconscious" or something.

    Fix'd.

    I kind of like this guy, though (even though I prolly shouldn't). He seems like a bad *** for a bad guy, especially with his following lines. =P

    ;o

    I dunno. You depict him kind of scared with the "hesitantly, shakily" lines, along with Cyrus' stuttering a line later:

    Though I do get the rage part, too. Just seems like both fear and anger instead of it just being rage.

    ...Yeah, now that I read further, the "barely afraid at all" line might be a mess up since you later write:

    On a small note, you'd be better off changing the semicolon in red into a dash since you shouldn't be able to (at least grammatically) be able to use a semicolon there.

    Fix'd. Wonder how I missed that. x_x; I originally planned for Cyrus to face the situation fearlessly, but decided it'd be... well, not normal. So changed it last minute. Guess I forgot to edit part of it.

    Lulz at the name. =P

    Lol, women. *shot*

    Nah, I really like this part since it echos what a lot of people are thinking when their out in public and attention is thrown at them.

    A cookie if you can guess who it is. It IS a cannon character.

    Indeed.

    I am wondering if this is a different named Saturn or the same Saturn that we know from D/P/PT. Cuz if it's the latter, I always thought he was younger than Cyrus. That's what it looks like anyway.

    Do you mean Saturn instead of Jupiter? D:

    Yes, yes I did. I believe my screwing up of the names answers your question.

    Liked this part, too, with the way it merged the italic thought with what was really going on and the explanation of Volkner's mindset during the confuse ray. I can't help but wonder how many times Volkner thinks he's going to die by now. First the girl, then the gastly, now all of this? =P Poor kid can't catch a break (though maybe he likes it that way).

    Indeed.

    Kay, now I'm officially confused on what this guy is named, lol. Skimming ahead, you switch back to Saturn. Who is he? ;-;

    He's... JUPITATURN. dun dun dun!

    Lol, love the last line. I imagined it being said gleefully with a "hurrah!" after it.

    "Time to kill the children! Hurrah!"

    Anyway, lots of new revelations in this chapter, like the appearance of Saturn who I'm still a bit confused about in terms of if it's the same Saturn from the various canon or not. I think it is (the u-shaped hair description and all), though I think it's odd to have Cyrus as a kid/teenager while Saturn is being described as a man, or at least appears to be older. Cyrus always looked older than Saturn in his artwork. But ... meh, maybe it's not the same Saturn? Lol.

    I've always thought of Cyrus as a younger man. He just seems to look so old, because... well, you know the whole thing mothers tell their children on how their faces will stick in the position they keep it in? Yeah.

    You know, I honestly found the duo of Volkner and Cyrus to be a weird one, especially when you introduced them (guess I was stuck on adult Cyrus), but the way you make them interact makes them seem like a good pair. Volkner seems to be a bit rash and hard-headed and snarky while Cyrus is a bit calmer and politer, so it makes a good balance. I liked their interactions near the end the most. I also like them as solo characters; I've already voiced how awesome I think Volkner is, and I think it's interesting to read Cyrus as someone who is somewhat adjusted instead of ... well, you know. Can't wait to read more about their travels.

    I did wonder about Volkner's earlier drug problem as if it would effect him, which I'm not positive if it did or not. He did collapse during his confuse ray stint and couldn't move during it. Was that the drug or the confuse ray?

    The drug. In all honesty, another foohbar on my part was planning on making it part of their rescue and to have those two take back VW on their own. But, once again, two teens aren't usually capable of that on their own.

    You also might want to run this chapter through a spellchecker. There were some typos that could have been caught ("regret" instead of "reget" or "indestructable" instead of "indestructible"). Other than that, this chapter was pretty clean grammatically. =P

    Will be waiting for the next chapter!

    Been doing these in Notepad for a while, due to me not knowing how exactly to get through this adminstrative lock on my dad's labtop. But figured it out, now have open office which has a spellcheck built in. Yay.
    Thanks for the review as always! Chapter Four is about a fourth of the way done. Another little preview:

        Spoiler:- Read at yer own risk.:


    I've also come up with a name for the story I like better!
    Last edited by D. Scott; 6th December 2010 at 7:34 PM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  17. #17
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    Chapter 4: A Shocking Daydream

    The light crackle of a burning campfire rang through the ears of the two boys as they sat in the clearing, perched upon a hollow log, their faces illuminated by the brightness of the flame.

    The boy on the left side, Volkner, stared into the blaze with a solemn wondering look, as if in the center of the campfire he would find the answers to all the questions that rushed through his mind like a bullet train; who was the girl who took him here; why did she take him here; what would he do now... all sorts of inquiries, and he had the answers to none of them.

    The boy on the right, Cyrus, had noticed this solemn sadness in the eyes of his newly found traveling partner and turned his gaze to look at him silently, as if he wanted to say something but couldn't quite find the words.

    The silence remained for a few more minutes before Cyrus gathered his thoughts and broke the silence.

    "Volkner, I have an idea, if you're willing to go through with it," he said.

    Volkner looked up at Cyrus and nodded, feeling a slight pang of curiousity. "Depends."

    "The Old Chateau," Cyrus responded. "You said that's where you woke up, right?"

    Volkner nodded again. "So you think we should go check it out? See if there's some sort of clue."

    Cyrus nodded, a smile stretching across his lips. "Read my mind."

    ****

    The next day, the two trekked through Eterna Forest while hiding in the shade provided by the tall trees. The day, so far, had been relatively uneventful, the most exciting thing being an encounter with a couple of wild Pokemon which Cyrus identified for Volkner as "Buneary"; small brown-furred creatures with large floppy ears. This was the first foreign Pokemon Volkner had ever seen and thus he found himself a bit occupied with thought on the subject.

    As they walked, they finally came upon a clearing larger than the others of the maze-like path in the forest. This one, however, made each of them smile nervously. At their west stood a barracade of trees tightly knit against each other, leaving no room for anyone their size to get through; at their east a clear pathway with no end in sight, but an unusual white fence stemming from each tree. But at their northern side, right in front of them, stood a massive house made from an old-fashioned looking wood. It was a dillapidated old shack, obviously having no one to take care of it at all in the past many years.

    They nodded to each other, and stepped forward.

    "Into the Old Chateau," Volkner said. Suddenly though, a shrill voice rang through his ears.

    "No, no, not a good idea!" the voice cried. "That place is haunted ya know, ya idiots!"

    The two boys turned around to confront their verbal assaultant, only to be met with the sight of a relatively nice looking girl.

    She stood just a bit below Volkner's height, dressed in knee-length khaki shorts, a black blouse and a green cape hung over her shoulders. Her hair was shoulder length and a caramel brown. She stared at them with a piercing green gaze.

    "What tha' heck're you two plannin' 'ta do here at this place?" she demanded sternly. "People've gone in their 'n died, ya'know!"

    Volkner and Cyrus turned their heads for a moment to glance at each other, trying to get some sort of clue that would tell them just what they needed to do. Neither knew, but after a moment Volkner decided to wing it, speaking up.

    "R-really?" he said, purposefully stuttering. "We were just looking for a place to stay for the nuh-night, and this l-looked like a good place.."

    The girl looked bewildered all of a sudden. She glanced over at the old building for a moment, before returninga sceptical gaze to Volkner.

    "Ya really that dumb, buddy?"

    Volkner stared at her like he was hurt by the comment.

    "... Oh, fine. The forest ends not too far from here. Why don'tcha two follow me? I'll show ya a good place in the city."

    Volkner turned to face Cyrus, and saw him nod. Thus it was set: they would follow her.

    "O-okay... what's your name, by the way?" Volkner asked.

    "Call me Gardenia. Yerselves?"

    "I'm Volkner," he said, while pointing at his traveling partner. "And this is Cyrus."

    Volkner turned to look at Cyrus and noticed his gaze was distant, focused upon the building in front of them.

    ***

    Eventually, the three reached the end of the maze of trees known as the Eterna Forest. Gardenia had been right when she said it wasn't far from the Old Chateau's location; it had barely been fifteen minutes since they started walking together before they stood where they did now, the small lake in front of them blemished with the reflections of their own bodies as well as the fishermen that sat on the bridge above it, hungrily waiting for Magikarp or Barboach to bite.

    "Almost there," Gardenia said, when suddenly a thought hit her. "Oh, I just realized I never asked... are you guys trainers?"

    Volkner looked at Cyrus and, with the confirmation by nod he*was given,*allowed himself to nod too.

    “Ah, okey then,” she said, a thoughtful tone to her voice. “You guys should be capable of handlin' yerselves from here on, then?”
    The two nodded in unison, thankful to quickly be rid of the pestering girl.

    “Right. I'll see ya later, then – why don'tcha two drop by the Eterna Gym later tommor'a? I'm a trainee there myself and I honestly been urgin' for a fight.”

    In that moment, a flare of excitement was evident in Volkner's eyes, and that was all that Gardenia needed to see to learn that she would be fighting him soon. She grinned, nodded, and walked off.

    Now the two stood alone for a few moments, staring out into the lake as they stared at into their campfire the night before. Volkner broke the silence this time, allowing himself to grin a bit.

    “I want to challenge the gym. Tonight. You gonna come with me, or you gonna rest up?” he asked.

    Cyrus looked at him for a moment, a bit perplexed by the decision – but he had already figured out that Volkner was sort of the impulsive type, so he supposed he shouldn't really question... well, the impulses.

    “I'll rest. Good luck and see you later,” Cyrus responded, and turned to walk off for the Pokemon Center, leaving Volkner to continue to stare out into the lake, thoughts running through his mind like a bullet train – and for once in the past two weeks, nothing negative. It was entirely positive energy.

    He was excited. He felt charged up. Electricity raced through his veins, leaving him almost paralyzed with glee – wait, that wasn't excitement.

    “... You … little … **** ...” Volkner choked out, struggling to bring the force in his leg up to the point where he could kick back and knock back the Pokemon that clung to his leg.

    It was an electric type he recognized through its reflection in the water, but just barely – he had seen it in picture books as a child. It stood just barely at his knee's height, a smug grin upon the lips that sat beneath two prong-like ears. An electrical volt symbol designed into the fur of his chest. An Elekid.

    Finally, he managed it. His leg was dumb and he forced it back with the strength of a young Ponyta, but it was enough to loosen the grip of the electric type on whatever item had been thrust into his leg and send the creature back. As the Elekid was, he could tell the device was yellow and somewhat battery shaped, sending a constant electrical current through his leg. But it was weak, thankfully enough. He reached down and yanked it out.

    “Alright, ya little *******..” Volkner groaned as he turned around to look at the startled Pokemon. “You want your little toy?” He waved the thing around tauntingly, hoping to draw a small fury out of the Elekid.

    He succeeded.

    The Pokemon charged, letting out a primal battle cry in its cute high-pitched voice. “ELEEE...” It leaped up right before colliding into Volkner, and curled its fist back. “KIII- ELEKID!”

    And in that moment, Volkner delivered his own fist right into the Elekid's face, sending it flying back into the grass. Without wasting a moment, his instincts kicked in then – and he slung off his backpack and opened the side compartment which he knew his objective to be in. He pulled out a single sphere, red on top with a white bottom and then pressed his thumb to the center. It expanded and within a second he had tossed his arm forward, trusting his aim to hit the target; it did. Upon bonking the already pained Elekid, the object opened up and sent forth a flash of red light that swallowed the Pokemon and returned it to the inside of the Pokeball.

    It landed on the ground and began to shake.

    One shake...

    Volkner's heart found itself racing, an unusual thing. He ignored it for now, figuring it to be the effects of adrenaline.

    It shook once more.

    As he watched, he also removed a bottle of a yellow liquid from his backpack. He had meant to spray it on his leg in that instant, but he suddenly seemed too focused on the Pokeball, rocking as the Elekid made its last struggles for freedom.

    … A third shake, and then a click.

    Elekid was his.

    And Volkner was unaware that somewhere in the trees, a pair of ocean blue eyes watched him.

    **
    The girl let a small sigh escape her lips as she trudged on through the muddy grass of Pastoria City, listening to the sounds of the city around her. People were talking fast enough so that she imagined that if they had wheels attached to their head, they would speed right on down the highway. As she glanced over to a particularly odd looking man, she couldn't help but giggle at the thought.

    Then her destination came into sight. A small stand with a few barstools sitting in front of a counter, a man with a variety of bottles behind him standing behind it. She approached it and sat down, reaching into a pocket of her coat for money.

    “You hear, man?” one man beside her said to a friend of his. “The Valley Windworks got attacked.”

    “Really?” the friend asked, a bit of shock evident in his voice. “Man, the world these days...”

    Yeah... the girl thought; not because she knew what a Valley Windworks was, but she thought it disgraceful that any place would get attacked.

    “Yeah... held ransom, some *******es plotting to con people out of money. But these two kids tried to save it. They failed, but still, kinda admirable, ain't they?”

    “What happened to the kids, man?”

    “Oh, they're fine. One got a little hurt, but he was already hurt and apparently ran from a hospital, so... but I hear he's fine now.”

    I'm glad... she thought.

    “Oh, that's good. Real good people out there these days.”

    “Didn't you just say 'Man, the world today...' or somethin' like that?”

    “Quiet!”

    “Ma'am?” a voice spoke, startling the girl out of her little eavesdropping session. “Can I help you?”

    “Oh...” she muttered, a bit embarrassed. “Right, right. Yes sir, could I order a simple bologna sandwich, some plain potato chips and a glass of ice water?”

    “Coming right up, Miss...”

    “Jasmine.”

    “Miss Jasmine.”

    **

    “Oh my,” the attendant said. “Quite the tale... you're sure you're alright? We have a few spare Cheri Berries around here.”

    Volkner smiled slightly, glad the pity card was working. This young little nurse, probably barely over fifteen, was swooning over his little war story and he was loving every second of it. He simply shook his head and allowed himself to limp off.

    He didn't need to do so, but what fun would it be to try this and not fake a little leftover pain?

    He now stood outside the Eterna City Pokecenter, looking out into the city to try and figure the location of the gym – it was evident quickly where it was, as it loomed over the rest of the place. A huge brown-topped building, it was a bit hard to miss amongst the various blue roofs popular in this city.

    He began to walk toward it, hands in his pockets, an excited smile on his face.

    **

    Author's Note: Okay, I apologize for the shortness of this chapter. Won't happen much. I'm just suffering from a bad lack of ideas for this story and I want to get a release in.

    Next time:

    “Pretty impressive guy, sir. Don'tcha think it'd be good if I go with 'im? Some experience, ya'know.”

    “Hey, hey, I never-”

    “Thought I'd give you the honor? Right, right, but you're actually pretty good.”

    and

    “Huh? Cyrus is supposed to be here...”

    “Ya don't s'pose...”

    “Without me?! The *******!”
    Last edited by D. Scott; 13th December 2010 at 2:11 PM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  18. #18
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    This story has been one of the better things I've read lately, no joke. I think this could be a very good fanfic. I'm not much of a writer, so I won't try to correct things... but all in all it was very well done. :]

  19. #19
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    Before I jump into anything, why is your story littered with asterisks? o_O Example:

    ***
    *
    Eventually, the three reached the end of the maze of trees known as the Eterna Forest. Gardenia had been right when she said it wasn't far from the*Old Chateau's location; it had barely been*fifteen minutes since they started walking together before they stood where they did now, the small lake in front of them blemished with the reflections of their own bodies as well as the fishermen that sat on the bridge above it, hungrily waiting for Magikarp or Barboach to bite.
    *
    "Almost there," Gardenia said, when suddenly a thought hit her. "Oh, I just realized I never asked... are you guys trainers?"
    *
    Volkner looked at Cyrus and, with the confirmation by nod he*was given,*allowed himself to nod too.
    *
    You have got one weird word processor. =P

    Volkner turned to look at Cyrus and noticed his gaze was distant; focused upon the building in front of them.
    Semicolon should be a comma.

    “Ah, okey then,” she said, a thoughtful tone to er voice.
    "Er" should be "her." Getting too accustom to Gardenia's accent, hmm? =P

    And in that moment, Volkner delivered his own fist right into the Elekid's face, sending it flying back into the grass.
    Well that's ... interesting. o_O

    “Oh, that's good. Real good people out there these days.”

    “Didn't you just say 'Man, the world today...' or somethin' like that?”

    “Quiet!”
    Tee hee. Liked this bit. Your back-and-forth dialogue is always fun to read.

    Anyway, a bit lazy with the quotes today. Sorry. =P I enjoyed the dialect you gave Gardenia; I like her as a younger character. And a nice tie in to the games with her warnings of the Old Chateau and her fear of ghosts.

    Loved, loved, loved the scene with Volkner and elekid, mostly because I wasn't expecting it and once I got over that initial surprise, I realized, goddamn, that's what Volkner would freaking do. Imagining it in my head gave me the serious case of the giggles, and his cocky "war story" later was just all sorts of amusing. I was a bit worried that the old Volkner was gone given how obedient he was to follow Cyrus's nods and subtle commands, but this scene just redeemed him. So awesomeeee. =D

    So Jasmine's in the picture now. She's an interesting mix with the crass Volkner and the somewhat serious Cyrus (ugh, that could be a pun). I'm already liking how you're portraying her, even if her cameo was short this chapter. Simple (as evident in her lunch order) but kind of sweet as well. I hope we see her again soon.
    Last edited by Breezy; 13th December 2010 at 6:45 AM.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Version Five
    This story has been one of the better things I've read lately, no joke. I think this could be a very good fanfic. I'm not much of a writer, so I won't try to correct things... but all in all it was very well done. :]
    Yay, another fan! Those are always fun things. Glad you liked it, and it means a lot to here that it was one of the better things you've read.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Before I jump into anything, why is your story littered with asterisks? o_O Example:

    You have got one weird word processor. =P

    What ze crap? No idea. Fixed as many as I could find, though.

    Semicolon should be a comma.

    Got'cha.

    "Er" should be "her." Getting too accustom to Gardenia's accent, hmm? =P

    Why, I dunno what'cher talkin' 'bout, Mister Breezy.

    Well that's ... interesting. o_O

    "POW! Right in ze kissa."

    Tee hee. Liked this bit. Your back-and-forth dialogue is always fun to read.

    Hehe.

    Anyway, a bit lazy with the quotes today. Sorry. =P I enjoyed the dialect you gave Gardenia; I like her as a younger character. And a nice tie in to the games with her warnings of the Old Chateau and her fear of ghosts.

    She's fun to write. :3 It's okay to be lazy with the quotes, by the way. As long as errors are pointed out and I at least know an opinion of the chapter, I could really care less.

    Loved, loved, loved the scene with Volkner and elekid, mostly because I wasn't expecting it and once I got over that initial surprise, I realized, goddamn, that's what Volkner would freaking do. Imagining it in my head gave me the serious case of the giggles, and his cocky "war story" later was just all sorts of amusing. I was a bit worried that the old Volkner was gone given how obedient he was to follow Cyrus's nods and subtle commands, but this scene just redeemed him. So awesomeeee. =D

    Remember, it was only a facade. Two quiet and submissive trainers. To try and lure attention away from the fact that they were about to explore an obviously creepy place.

    So Jasmine's in the picture now. She's an interesting mix with the crass Volkner and the somewhat serious Cyrus (ugh, that could be a pun). I'm already liking how you're portraying her, even if her cameo was short this chapter. Simple (as evident in her lunch order) but kind of sweet as well. I hope we see her again soon.

    Jasmine's been in since last chapter. The scene on the boat was her arrival. And yes, she will be seen again soon. Very soon.
    Thanks for the reviews, you two!
    Last edited by D. Scott; 13th December 2010 at 2:10 PM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  21. #21
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    SINNOH STORIES
    THE LEGEND OF VOLKNER

    AUTHOR'S NOTES: Oh, the woe of my writer's block! I sit there wallowing in self-pity on how bad it is, and then I sit down one night and try to get some writing in before bed and squeeze in two and a half pages – a thousand words.

    God, I love writing.

    Anyways, in this chapter we focus on Volkner's battle against the Eterna Gym! A new member will join the group!


    [[Chapter 5: Fight!]]
    Within the next few minutes, Volkner had reached the gym. It stood way above all the other buildings in the city, obviously containing multiple floors: which, from the windows dotting its blue and brown painted surface, he could tell where filled to the brim with plant life.

    With a smile on his face, and two Pokemon fully healed and ready for battle, Volkner stepped in.

    The inside was just as wild as he could see from the windows. Surrounding him were the bases of many different plants, some even living – a few small Ivysaur gathered around in a huddle, huge Sunflora scattered throughout the grassy terrain, and even some Victreebel lazing around.

    A mechanical starly (or so Volkner assumed it was called, as he had never seen such a thing before, because of the sticker on its forehead that read “MechStarly”) approahced him, flapping its wings with a dull creaking sound.

    CHALLENGER OR VISITOR?” the creature said in its firm authoritative voice.

    “... Challenger,” Volkner responded, a bit creeped out.

    UNDERSTOOD. INFORMING LEADER FLORENCE.

    **

    Inside the gym, two people were conversing, looks of slight boredom on their faces. Both females, and the only ones inside the gym, the two had quickly come to be acquaintances, then eventually best friends.

    Gardenia had always loved Lily for her wonderful sense of compassion and her skill in battling. An art to native Eterna City residents, battling was one of the few things doable in their quiet little place other than relax at the condos or go south to Cycling Road. But Gardenia had always had a passion for it, and she pretty much assumed she always would.

    Lily Florence had told her once that she considered Gardenia to be a lot like herself. To the girl, a gym trainer in her gym, this had been more enjoyable than any other praise she had received in her life. She loved it, having basked in the glory of the statement ever since.

    Lily was a bit annoyed by it, she could tell, but would put up with it. After all, she was soon to retire at the ripe old age of sixty-eight, and had told everyone – not just Gardenia – that when that happened, Gardenia was to be her replacement.

    “So,” Lily said. “You lead two innocent trainers out of the path which they wanted to travel?”

    “Yes'm, but they said they didn't know about the Old Chateau-” Gardenia tried to counter argue.

    “I'm sure they didn't. But you should let them find out for themselves, don't you think?” she said sternly. “I understand that you wanted to be a good samaritan, but you should know by now that part of the life of a trainer is learning things through experience. Don't let your superstitious self counter your logical self again, Gardenia. It can be amazingly costly.”

    “... Okay. Understood, m'lady.” Gardenia mumbled in defeat.

    “Glad to h-”

    CHALLENGER FOR LEADER FLORENCE, CHALLENGER FOR LEADER FLORENCE. NAME: VOLKNER DENZI.” the MechStarly suddenly swooped in screeching. As it did so, it opened its mouth to reveal a video screen, which showed an oddly familiar face to Gardenia waiting in the lobby.

    “Tell him to come on in then, Mechie. Good job.” Lily responded, nodding and saluting.

    The MechStarly, “Mechie”, swooped out and toward the lobby.

    Gardenia couldn't help but grin a bit.

    “Ya'know, Lily,” Gardenia said. “He was one of them trainers.”

    “Who you 'helped' earlier?” Lily said, a bit surprised as evident by a rise in her voice.

    “Yep. I told 'em I was a trainer here... he was the more eager lookin' one.” she responded.

    “Well, then. I suppose we're gonna get to see some battling, then!”

    **

    Volkner tapped his foot against the dirt that served as a floor in this de-modernized gym, losing his patience at a rate that was rapidly increasing. Finally, he saw MechStarly swoop in, and caw its given commands.

    CHALLENGER VOLKNER DENZI FOR LEADER LILLITH FLORENCE HAS BEEN APPROVED. PLEASE FOLLOW MECHSTARLY UNIT IN TO THE MAIN ARENA.

    “Finally,” Volkner muttered, and walked off with the mechanical unit as it creaked off into the arched entryway of the gym.

    He stepped inside to an even more colossal building than he had expected. Trees were the prominent plants, though some bushes and definitely a lot of grass dotted the surface of the “main arena” – this was it, apparently, as evidenced by the fact that MechStarly stopped and turned to Volkner.

    It said, “DOES CHALLENGER NEED FURTHER ASSISTANCE? MECHSTARLY CAN PROVIDE SELF AS PSEUDO-POKEDEX, A TOUR GUIDE, NOTEPAD (WILL DISPLAY INFORMATION ON ORAL-SCREEN AS NOT TO GIVE AWAY POTENTIAL STRATEGY), OR CHEF.

    “... Chef?” Volkner thought, but responded with a simple, “Sure, I suppose..”

    It couldn't hurt, right?

    “This is my first time in a gym,” Volkner said. “So I guess I'd like some tour-guide information.”

    Right this way then, good sir!” the mechanical bird suddenly said in an accent one would expect only of an overly-hyped businessman off of a television commercial. It startled Volkner, causing him to shudder in surprise. “Here in our fine ETERNA CITY gym,” the last part it spoke being mechanical, dronelike as it had been just seconds before. It then switched back to its suave tone. “We harbor the finest of GRASS-type trainers in the world! No other gym in the region of SINNOH compares to our own! On your LEFT you will see THE ARENA. To your north, OUR GARDEN. CONTAINS STAIRS TO UPPER GARDEN FLOORS. POKEMON ARE KEPT THERE. GRASS-TYPES.

    “Okay, okay, enough with the Tour-Guide information!” Volkner screamed. “Thanks... ****in' stupid machine...”

    “Hey, try 'n keep yer language down some, Mister Denzi,” a familiar voice said.

    Volkner looked to the arena to see a familiar face to accompany the familiar voice. He recognized it immediately to be the face of... hell, like he could remember her name. He just knew she was a total hick from the sound of her accent, and that she had told him she was a gym trainer here.

    He then realized he had come to the gym for the opportunity for fighting her more than the actual leader.

    And so it would be.

    “Quiet, girl-” he tried to start off, but found himself cut off.

    “Hey, hey, don't be rude, dude! Call her by her name if you know her,” a man said from looking over the side of the arena. “You DO know it, right?”

    “'ey, Jackie, let's calm down some. Mister Denzi, name's Gardenia in case you'd done forgot. Glad 'ta see ya here,” she said, offering a quick wave.

    “... Right, right, sorry, I have a crappy memory. Anyway, how do things work around here?”

    Well, first of all-”

    “QUIET YOU ****ING BIRDBRAINED MACHINE,” Volkner turned and yelped, causing the machine to back away almost as if on its own conscience. “... Now, I'd like to hear it from a human mouth please.”

    Leader Florence leaned into Gardenia and whispered something, and Volkner could faintly make out the word “temper” before the message was finished.

    “Well, first of all-”

    “QUI- oh, it's you...”

    “... Ah-hem, first of all, what do ya know 'bout gyms, Mister Denzi?” Gardenia asked.

    “Absolutely nothing,” Volkner responded. “This is my first time in one.”

    “Okey dokey, then. Let's hear it from the horse's mouth then, eh, Lily?” Gardenia said.

    “... Beautiful young lady's mouth, thank you very much,” Lily sputtered. “And a Pokemon Gym is a place where trainers test their battling skills in … well, battles. You fight through at least two gym trainers, though there can be more – there are four, here – and then the leader themselves. Which is me, by the way.”

    “.. Got'cha. Are there rests between battles?”

    “If you'd like. No longer than ten minutes though.”

    “Then let's get this started.”

    “Got'cha,” Lily said with a grin.

    Volkner stepped up to the arena and took a stance at the south end, contemplating his first Pokemon. He only had two options, and in all honesty this would be his first real battle. He had no idea what moves his Pokemon had, and he had no idea what their strength levels were.

    Then it hit him.

    “Hey, birdbrain!” Volkner suddenly yelled. “I need a pseudo-Pokedex!”

    YES SIR. POKEMON INFORMATION WANTED?” MechStarly cawed as it swooped down next to him.

    “Elekid. Show me all data.”

    Elekid: Electric Pokemon. It is the pre-evolved form of Electabuzz. It generates electricity by spinning its arms. It gains strength in thunderstorms. Its weak spot is in between its horns, but the electric current generated there can buzz an unwary foe.

    “Be quieter. Moves?”

    Your Elekid currently knows how to perform the following attacks: Thunder Punch, Ice Punch, Thundershock, Swift, Quick Attack, Leer, Low Kick, Rolling Kick, Headbutt.

    “Okay, thanks. Now stay close but be quiet. Go, Elekid!”

    Volkner turned his head to the side and tossed his arm forward like throwing a baseball, a flash of white light bolting forward from the ball in his hand, materializing onto the floor into the shape of his Pokemon Elekid. The two-prong headed electrical creature clashed its fists together excitedly, though it was probable he didn't know where he was. But he supposed it was just a violent little Pokemon. And that was good. It was a Pokemon's purpose.

    To fight.

    “Now who'm I fighting first?” Volkner asked.

    “That'd be me,” the man from earlier said. “Name's Jack.”

    **

    Two fights later and Volkner was about ready to quit. He had fought through Jack's one-man team with relative ease, as all he had was some weak Pokemon called Budew. The next person, however, had a tougher team of an Ivysaur and an Eevee, two very tough battlers compared to his Elekid.

    His next opponent, he suddenly realized, would probably be even tougher.

    “Gardenia is up next!” Lily cried out and pointed forward.

    Gardenia stepped forward, a smirk on her face.

    Volkner smirked too.

    “Still keeping your Elekid out, eh?” she asked.

    “Yep. Let's hurry and get this over with so I can get to the leader...” Volkner responded.

    “Eager, ain't we?” she teased. “Fine, fine. Let's go, Roselia!”

    Another flash of light later, a small, fat little grass-type Pokemon materialized on the floor. Where its arms would normally be it donned two roses. A sensual, sly look rested on its light green face.

    “Elekid, Ice Punch!” Volkner yelled, running forward with the battle as quickly as he could. He wanted to get it done and get it done fast, and Gardenia seemed more than willing to comply with it.

    Elekid dashed forward, raising one of his black-striped arms and focusing an energy from his claws over his hand to encase it in ice. He swiped it in front of Roselia and hit it, but only brushing it before it jumped back, a bit of ice freezing onto its chest but falling off seconds later.

    Roselia shuddered, but recovered quick enough for it to dash forward in its retaliation.

    “Shake it off, girl!” Gardenia yelled. “Magical Leaf!”

    Roselia nodded and leaped into the air, spreading her rose arms apart and spewing forth several leaves from them, each one glowing in its own unique color. A truly beautiful sight to some, but to Volkner it meant possible defeat, and he cried out for Elekid to dodge.

    But to no avail. The leaves were apparently homing, each one slapping onto Elekid and releasing its slight energy. Alone they were nothing, but the continued pulsations of magic forced inside him caused Elekid to take some serious damage already. A few lacerations dotted Elekid's skin, leaving him bleeding a bit.

    “Retaliate quickly! Swift!” Volkner demanded.

    Elekid opened his mouth and let loose a barrage of star-shaped rays. They fired forward with such speed that Roselia had no time to avoid them – like the leaves, but star-shaped, they lacerated the grass-like skin of Roselia in multiple places, these spots dribbling a purple oozing blood.

    “Roselia, Leech Seed!” Gardenia cried out, pointing at Elekid. Roselia nodded quickly, a signature Volkner now realized to show her obedience to commands, and spit out a variety of seeds to surround Elekid. In that instant, Elekid jumped up and to the side, avoiding the second after that the seeds sprouted leaves, now laying limp and useless on the ground.

    “... Good, you avoided it,” Volkner muttered in relief. “Thunder Punch!”

    Elekid quickly ran toward Roselia, leaping over the leaves of the Leech Seed and into the air, cocking back its fist. It whirled its arm around and formed a bit of electricity which surrounded its fist in a ball, which then collided with Roselia. Roselia shrieked... and Gardenia was smiling.

    Elekid then jumped back and held its fist with the other. Volkner realized it was bleeding, and Elekid was shuddering with pain.

    “Roselia's ability,” Gardenia said. “It's called Poison Point. When yer Pokemon attacks physically, it has a chance'a bein' poisoned if some of Roselia's thorns. Yer Pokemon's gonna be losin' health 'n quick.”

    Volkner grimaced. “Birdbrain, over here! Start a display of Elekid's health!”

    MechStarly came closer and opened its mouth, displaying a red bar of health with about half of if white. A purple box rested next to it with the abbreviation “PSN”, which Volkner assumed to be a contraction of poison.

    “... Gah! Swift again!” Volkner yelled.

    Elekid opened its mouth and shot another ray of stars, each hitting Roselia with lacerating force. The two were close in health levels already; he had no way of knowing for sure, but the heaving chest of Roselia gave him a good clue. It was also obvious this would be the last part of the gym battle that Elekid could participate in, it was just a question of whether or not an attack or poison would knock him out first.

    “Roselia, Mega Drain!” Gardenia commanded, and once more Roselia nodded, swiping her left red rose against Elekid.

    A fist was raised up in retaliation. Weakly, Elekid leaped to his feet and threw Roselia up into the air and then jumped up further, turned on his side and began to turn his body as he fell. A Rolling Kick attack, Volkner deduced, as the repeated beating of feet against Roselia finally knocked her out. But in the process, Elekid fell to the ground with a thud, unconscious and shuddering.

    Both participants returned their Pokemon, and sent out their next.

    “Tangela, go!” Gardenia yelled.

    “Chuseph, let's fight!” Volkner said.

    Suddenly, Gardenia burst into raucous laughter.

    “CHUSEPH?!” Gardenia howled, her hands over her stomach, doubling over. “Oh... oh god... oh god I'm sorry...”

    “... It's my mother's Pokemon. She named it,” Volkner muttered in response, his cheeks flushed red.

    “No, no, it's okay... let's fight... haha.. oh god... priceless...”

    “Quiet again, Birdbrain,” Volkner said. “But tell me Chuseph's info.”

    Pichu: The Tiny Mouse Pokemon. The pre-evolved form of Pichu. Despite their size, Pichu can release surprisingly powerful bursts of electricity, enough to even mentally shock themselves as they did not know they had the power. Pichu, like all electric Pokemon, can charge themselves easier in the presence of Thunderclouds. Can be very babylike.

    “Moves?” Volkner asked.

    Pichu knows the moves: Thundershock, Charm, Tail Whip, Thunderwave, Sweet Kiss, Nasty Plot, Volt Tackle.

    Volkner suddenly blinked.

    “Volt Tackle?” he asked.

    Volt Tackle is a move exclusive to the Pikachu family. The user surrounds-"

    “I've heard of it before, Birdbrain! But... why would Chuseph have something bred solely for battle?”

    ERROR, QUESTION ASKED WITHOUT PROGRAMMED RESPONSE. PLEASE ASK PROGRAMMED QUESTION.

    “... Bleh,” Volkner muttered. “May as well take advantage of it. Thunderwave, Chuseph!”

    Chuseph scurried toward the mass of blue vines, and slapped it quickly with an electrified paw. A jolt of electricity from the paw suddenly caused Tangela to shudder, and soon it tried to move, only to prove extremely slow around its feet. It lashed out vines at normal speeds though, apparently not effected around there.

    “Tangela, Vine Whip!” Gardenia ordered, and Tangela obeyed as best it could. The Pokemon lashed out a single vine as long as it could manage and wrapped it around Chuseph's arm, lifting him up and slamming him into the ground.

    Chuseph cried out in pain, but struggled up.

    “Volt Tackle, Chuseph!” Volkner yelled, and suddenly Chuseph scuttled forward, a massive aura of electricity in proportion to his tiny little body, and slammed into Tangela.

    Both Pokemon lay there in silence for a couple of moments. Suddenly, Tangela struggled up to its feet, and Chuseph followed shortly after. His face was obviously strained.

    His arm was displaced in a strange, unnatural way, and Volkner tried to offer another command – but he was interrupted.

    “Yer Pokemon's arm is broke. Surrender and go heal it,” Gardenia said.

    “No! He can still fight-”

    “Still fight?! Yeh, sure, but he'd be in pain!” Gardenia retorted, a fierceness in her voice.

    “Who cares?!” Volkner found himself screaming at that point. “It's just a Pokemon-”

    “Just a Pokemon?!” Gardenia roared. “Pokemon are living, breathing creatures like you 'n' me!”

    “MURDERING CREATURES! WHO THE HE-”

    “QUIET DOWN, BOTH OF YOU!” Lily cried out, and the room went silent.

    Gardenia stood there seething.

    Volkner stood there shaking, holding back tears.

    Lily stepped in between the two. She held her hands out.

    “Volkner Denzi! You are to go heal your Pokemon, or I will call the Eterna Police Department in charges for cruelty! The battle is OFF!”

    **

    “Who's there?!” Cyrus cried out into the darkness of the room. “I know I heard something!”

    He heard no response, but a mist covered the room. Cyrus stepped back and put a hand onto a Pokeball, tossing it forward, as a pink creature stepped forward. A flash of white light did not come forth, as if light denied an existence in this room.

    “Golbat, let's fight this thing!”

    ... I … am … so … lonely ...

    **

    Exactly an hour later, Volkner Denzi was convinced to go into the Pokecenter, stubbornly arguing against healing a Pokemon that could fight anyway. It took Lily walking to a phone and speaking to the officers about a situation in their gym – when Volkner agreed, she said a Gym Trainer had solved it, thanked the police and hung up.

    Gardenia of Eterna Gym followed him, a hand firmly placed on his shoulder, looming over him like an angry Salamence. Which she pretty much was, without the blue skin and wings.

    She turned to him and in front of the cute nurse, who scowled at him because of the time she realized it had taken, she slapped him across the cheek. “Don't you EVER think thoughts like that again! I thought you done made yerself seem like a decent person! A lil' foulmouthed, sure, but like this... I just... ugh!”

    She dragged him off toward the gym again, and Volkner couldn't break free of her grasp.

    The two stared Lily Florence in the face now, and Volkner was about ready to leave.

    “Volkner Denzi,” Lily said. “Do you want to be a great Pokemon trainer?”

    It was, admittedly, part of his reason for traveling. Of course he wanted to find out about Mana, to find out why he was placed here, but he also wanted to go on his journey – the last time he had seen his mother had been because of an argument against her about doing it.

    “Yes,” Volkner said. “And for that, I'll get some strong Pokemon – not weak little things like Chuseph.”

    “What the hell? Your Pokemon nearly beat Gardenia's Tangela-”

    “Nearly isn't enough!” Volkner said defiantly.

    “QUIET!” Lily roared. “You'll learn to do things right! Pokemon are living creatures that need to be treated with love and compassion! You'll be a teaching tool for this gym. You will travel with Gardenia and help her learn, as it IS obvious you have some skill. But you'll never get better than her, and definitely no better than me, if you don't learn the basics of friendship!”

    “And what makes you think I have to do this?” Volkner questioned.

    “I'll call the police on you again, and this time I WON'T lie.”

    “... Gah, fine,” Volkner muttered.

    “Good. Now, Gardenia, have Volkner here escort you to your condominium. Pack quickly and you two will leave to the south tonight. I'll give you money for bikes on cycling road-”

    “I have another partner,” Volkner said. “He should be at the Pokecenter. We have money. A lot of it.”

    “Oh? And where'd you get that from?” Lily questioned, obviously a bit curious to see if he wasn't trying to get away.

    “Ked Abel, Director of the Valley Windworks.”

    “You mean...”

    “We tried to save it.”

    “So, jackass does have some morals,” Lily muttered. A bit of a mouth for an old lady, Volkner thought.

    “Alright, fine. Get your stuff packed Gardenia, and you'll travel with him and his partner. Help him learn.”

    Gardenia nodded dutifully, and turned around, tugging Volkner behind her. “Goodbye, Lily! I'll see ya!”

    “Good luck and godspeed, Gardenia. Reform Mister Denzi swiftly.”

    **

    The two, Gardenia now fully packed, searched around the Pokemon Center for Cyrus. It was then Volkner came to the realization he had been left behind while Cyrus searched their original destination.

    “... He's in the Old Chateau,” Volkner muttered.

    “WHATTTT?!” Gardenia screeched in terror, but Volkner ignored her. This time he would be the one to lead this duo, and go explore with Cyrus and inform him of the situation.

    “... That *******, leaving without me!”

    **

    Well, another chapter comes along swifter than I thought! Enjoy! Next chapter..

    Ghost Trainer! Cyrus sparks a fire in his eyes!

    And

    Off through Cycling Road! Volkner takes a tumble!


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  22. #22
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    SINNOH STORIES
    THE LEGEND OF VOLKNER

    Author's Notes: In this chapter, we finally get onto a more crucial element to the story! Yay! I also need to stop changing my plans so much... either that or stop the "next chapter!" thing- in fact, I think I'll do that...


    [[Chapter 6: Freefall]]

    “I'm certain he's okay,” Volkner said. “If you're being that much of a coward, just stand outside!”

    “B-but...” Gardenia countered weakly. “I-I j-juh-just finished promising Lily I'd stay with ya at all t-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-”

    “Times?” Volkner asked.

    “... Yeh,” Gardenia muttered.

    “Then do just that and man up! The Old Chateau is NOT haunted – there's no such thing!” he shouted.

    “... Fine!” Gardenia said, and the two stepped into the gate, treading through grass that seemed a little too heavily trimmed for this place to be as abandoned as Gardenia said it was.

    “Do they send people here to keep up this place?” Volkner asked.

    “No,” she said. “The grass just... mysteriously disappears...”

    “... So, in other words, some good samaratin just pops in and trims the grass.” Volkner muttered.

    The door of the place, a very large wooden one painted a light shade of purple, already hung open. Grateful to not have to go through the effort Volkner guessed it would take to try and push it open, he took advantage of it and slipped through, the lightly trembling Gardenia following right after him.

    The inside of the Old Chateau admittedly gave off a sort of eerie atmosphere, Volkner had to admit. But to be haunted? He scoffed at the thought. The only residents in this place were ghosts – but they weren't the type Gardenia was so afraid of. They were Gastly, ghost type Pokemon that loved dark damp places like this.

    “So how many rooms in this place?” Volkner asked. “We should probably split-”

    “NO WAY IN HELL, DENZI!” Gardenia bellowed.

    “... Right.”

    So the two began to explore each individual room. The entire place was old and decaying quickly, wallpaper peeling off the walls, creaking floorboards and some holes in the floor on both the upper and lower levels, dirt visible in the holes of the lower.

    But when all rooms but the master bedroom of the upper north had been searched, the two deduced that it was where their objective was; if he was there at all.

    They went there, and for a couple of moments, saw nothing but darkness. But their source of illumination in the nighttime-induced darkness, the Flash Attack of Gardenia's Roselia, kicked in quickly and they were greeted by an odd mist.

    The mist parted as they stepped inside; and Volkner's ears were met by the sound of a shriek. Gardenia's, he realized. The door behind them had shut on its own and the light of Roselia's Flash seemed to have disappeared.
    “Roselia, use Flash!” Volkner ordered. He understood by now that Gardenia was too frightened to speak, as she whimpered behind him.

    Roselia's arms flailed uselessly as she tried to produce light. Things were suddenly taking a turn for the worse, but Volkner found himself calm and collect, as if the presence in the room would not harm him and he knew it all too well.

    “Cyrus! Are you in here?”

    “... have you come for my friend?” a voice crooned in the darkness.

    “Cyrus? He's my friend!” Volkner responded. “Give him back, whoever you are!”

    “... you can join him if you'd like.” the voice said.

    “We want him back!”

    A thud behind him. Gardenia had fainted. He felt her hand slip off his shoulder and jerk against his foot.

    He was alone in the room with a spirit who simply oozed malice.

    Oh, there was the fear.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Jasmine Mikan nodded quietly and submissively to the man in front of her, trying to shorten the conversation as much as possible. It wasn't that she didn't want to converse – it was just that long winded conversation all short of wrecked her nerves to the point of weeping, at least with strangers. With family and people she had managed to befriend it was different. But her family and friends were back in Olivine City, while she was in the mysterious land of Sinnoh.

    The man had stopped her on the side of the streets of Veilstone City to ask for directions to the nearest hotel. She had told him that she was heading there herself, so he should simply follow her. The old man had asked if that was okay, and she nodded – after all, an old man just asking for directions couldn't be dangerous, right?

    The two began to walk the streets of Veilstone, Jasmine feeling a bit groggy. She had spent most of the day after lunch taking a bus-ride from Pastoria City to the edges of Veilstone. She was a bit disappointed that she couldn't just get a ride there, but the construction of some new building had left the bus incapable of passing, so she had simply gotten off there and began to walk.

    Suddenly, she felt a hand on the back of her head, and swiveled around to check out the source. The old man stood there, skidding to a stop behind her, his hands in the pockets of his khaki pants.

    “Is there something wrong, Miss?” he asked.

    “I could have s-sworn... oh, nevermind...”

    So the two continued to walk, and eventually the feeling persisted. She had figured it to be the wind the first time, but now she was suspicious of the feeling of flesh touching her scalp. She was about to whirl around and check out the old man again, but this time she felt something cold and steel press against her throat.

    “... Heh. Stupid *****. Didn't your mommy ever teach you not to go out alone at dark?” he asked, his mouth pressed against her ear. She could smell the stench of his breath from this close and it was revolting.

    “... D-don't d-duh-do anything you're gonna regret, sir...” Jasmine stuttered.

    “Oh, trust me, you look like a fine piece of work. Like hell I'll regret it,” he said.

    It was then that Jasmine brought her foot backward and let it collide firmly with the crotch of her attacker. His grip on her went loose and the knife went across her throat but only slightly. There was barely enough strength in it to make a laceration.

    Jasmine whirled around and pressed her hand to the inside of her jacket, opening up one of the balls in there. She was gambling that it was the right one, as the wrong one could be defeated much easier than the right one. A flash of light lit up the night and soon lights in the homes around began to flicker on as a deafening roar filled the area.

    The attacking man, once he recovered from his pain, looked up to see a huge pair of eyes staring right at him. A living chain of rocks about the width of the street and a few blocks of length stared him in the eyes, and it was then that he scrambled to a standing position, turned around and ran for the hills.

    “... T-thank you, Ony,” Jasmine said. She reached up and run a finger across her neck to feel out the damage. A crimson streaked finger told her it was a wound, definitely, but the blood was already drying. It would be a simple few days before it healed up. She returned Ony the Onix and landed on the ground with a slight thud, something skillful for a twelve year old girl such as herself, and looked around to see awestruck people out of their houses. One was on the phone. From the words “officer” in her conversation, she could tell it was with the police.

    Jasmine walked up to her and bowed her head. “M-ma'am, may I please use your restroom to clean myself up a bit?”

    “... Hold on officer,” the woman said. “... Yeah. But what happened?”

    “A man tried to attack me,” she said.

    “Oh, you poor thing... would you like a lodge for the night? I'm sure my kids wouldn't mind sleeping together for a night so you can have a bed.”

    “No thank you, ma'am. I'll just go to the hotel...”

    “I insist! You aren't older than, what, thirteen, fourteen?”

    “Twelve, ma'am. And I suppose it'd be a good money saver... but I'll sleep on the couch.”

    The woman nodded. “Okay. Just come on in off the streets.”

    What a nice lady... Jasmine thought.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    “Volkner...” a familiar voice sputtered, weakness evident in him. “... Gastly. Clefable. Ghost. GHOST.”

    Volkner looked around to try and find where Cyrus's voice was coming from but to no avail. Instead, he only saw a pair of glowing red eyes at the dead center of the mist.


    What was it Gardenia had said?
    Oh, right. Spirits typically tend to be bound to the room that you see them in. If you want to flee from one, get out of the house first – but if that's impossible, get out of the room. Ha. Too late for that now.


    “Let's go, Elekid! Thundershock where the eyes are!”

    He tossed a ball forward, and a strange occurrence met his eyes: the usual flash of light that happened with a Pokeball's release mechanism being triggered did not happen for longer than a split second. Something had sucked away the light.

    Elekid remained silent for a few moments, leaving Volkner's heart thudding. He then realized it was just him getting his eyes used to the darkness as after a moment he heard a faint, “Ele, ele, ele...” and a buzzing sound like a generator. Then a louder, “KID!” as a jolt of electricity fired forward, snapping against the floorboards and momentarily illuminating the room ever-so-slightly. In that instant, Cyrus became visible.

    He was in a heap at the feet of a man. The man was about five feet tall on the dot with a bald spot in the center of his head, two tufts of graying hair extending. He wore a suit and his skin was deadly pale. On his left floated a mist ball, likely the source of the darkness-forming mist, called Gastly. On his right was a cute pink creature, but its eyes were a bleak red. A Clefable.

    The man looked like a butler, Volkner told himself. The ghost of a butler.

    He was indeed a spirit. The Old Chateau was haunted and he could deny it no longer. He should have ****ing listened to Gardenia's warnings, but no, his logical mind didn't allow the idea of ghosts when he was a victim of ****ing supernatural events. What a dumb *** he was, and he was about to die for it, he felt like.

    He broke down.

    “God damn it, god damn it, god damn it, god DAMN it!” he roared. “Elekid! Thunder Punch the Clefable! Beat its face in!”

    Elekid complied the best it could. But that wasn't enough. His attacks passed right through the Clefable. It to was a spirit, apparently.

    “Damn it, damn it, d-duh-damn it...” the fight was draining out of Volkner at a quickening pace. He had no ideas on how to get things to work on an invulnerable enemy, he was alone, and he was panicking. He was about to die.

    “... I w-wanna go home ...”

    By this time, tears were streaming down.

    “I don't want to do anyone any favors! I don't want to train, I don't want to remember Ivan's death, I don't want to travel, I JUST WANNA GO HOME! JUST LET ME GO HOME, PLEASE!” he sobbed.

    He lifted up a fist and smashed it through the ground. He heard an innocent giggle in the background of his mind and a demonic rumbling laughter through his ears, but he blocked out both as an idea hit his head like a wrecking ball colliding with his skull.

    He sent out Chuseph, and called for Elekid, whispering a plan to them. He got to his feet and ran toward the ghost while the critters executed his plan.

    He took a swipe at the ghost, gasping for breath as a cold sensation rushed over his arm. It went numb in an instant.

    “CHUUU!”

    Chuseph was darting around from corner to corner of the room, an electric aura surrounding him, dim in the darkness-forming gas.

    “KIDDD!” Elekid was leaping around, punching holes in the floor, more and more light starting to pour through for short instances.

    Volkner jumped back, his movement causing the floor to creak with strain. He then ran forth and swiped once again, his other arm getting that chilling numbness. He wished the plan would hurry up and work.

    He kicked. His leg went numb and he stumbled backward, narrowly avoiding Chuseph as he darted to another corner. He stood there for a second, face to face with the ghost, before thrusting his face forward toward the head of the thing. A demonic rumbling laughter occurred once again, and his entire body went numb. He flipped over on his side and hit the floor. He wasn't unconscious, but the agonizing pain that rushed through his body made him wish he were.

    Then the plan began.

    Elekid quickly began to run for Volkner and pressed his claw against his ball, returning himself. Chuseph was supposed to do the same thing, but he instead merely leaped up onto the doorknob of the room. He was glowing, for some reason.

    … nothing but a tool for fighting …
    Volkner thought. … he's gonna abandon us. ha. Should have expected it.

    The floor was falling apart. The plan had been to damage the floor to the point where it collapsed, and it was working quite well. How anyone was going to leave that sight without a body bag he couldn't help but wonder, but it was better than dying by ghost.

    Chuspeh jumped off the doorknob then, in a totally different form.

    He was now bigger, almost twice his previous size. His ears had lengthened and developed better. His cheekspots were a bit larger and a deeper red. His body no longer had a black stripe around it, instead pure yellow. His tail was jagged like a thunderbolt.

    He had evolved into a Pikachu. Along with Gardenia's Roselia, he watched for the short few seconds before they hit the floor beneath as the two worked together to slice and burn away the wood that was supposed to either crush or impale all of them.

    “ … thank … you … “

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    Author's Notes: Heck yeah. Crankin' out chapters, eh? Just sat down for five hours to write this and enjoyed the hell out of it. Hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it.
    Last edited by D. Scott; 17th December 2010 at 4:17 AM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  23. #23
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    Jul 2010
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    SINNOH STORIES
    THE LEGEND OF VOLKNER


    Author's Notes: In this chapter, we realize just how creative I am with surnames! [Formula = English Name + Japanese Name = Full name. Algebraic genius, si?]


    Oh, and we also get to see Volkner get hurt more! Yay!



    [[Chapter 7: Hearthome Scramble]]



    It was a unique smell, Volkner thought as he lay awake in his bed. The smell of hospitals, a clean and fresh scent always having that underlying stench of rot and sickness. He had no idea how he had gotten to a hospital, but he knew he was really tired of having to be in one. This was about his third time this month.


    His daredevil antics really needed to stop.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    Cyrus Akagi peeled open his eyes slowly at first, but opened them wide quickly when he realized just where he was. He hated these places, hospitals, and only went to one when he deemed it necessary – to visit Volkner in Floaroma, or to visit family. He had no family left he'd even think of visiting but his younger brother and when with Volkner he had simply visited once a day and left to stay at a hotel for the night.


    He sighed. He really didn't want to stay here, but the aching muscles all across his body deemed it necessary.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    Gardenia tossed and turned, brushing her few lacerations all across the bandages that covered them and thus causing a few moments of pain which her groggy self ignored.


    “She was the lucky one out of the Chateau trio...” she heard a voice say. “She just has some cuts from the fall... we can't even figure out what's wrong with the other two... and their poor Pokemon just barely hung on...”


    “... my Roselia?” she croaked weakly.


    “... She'll be fine, dear,” the voice responded. Now a bit more awake, but not willing to turn onto her back and open her eyes to confirm, her logical mind told her it was likely a nurse. “She took a bit of a bruising during the fall, but our regeneration machines have healed her right up.”


    Gardenia wanted to question further, really, but she felt the sudden need to stop speaking and allow herself to fall down through the clouds of her mind and into dreamland once again.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    It was six thirty in the morning, and only two people were up.


    Jasmine Mikan sighed lightly as she sat on the couch of this woman's home, a bowl of Abra Kadabra's brand marshmallow cereal in her hand. The woman, who had by now identified herself as Matilda Adamson (“Mattie for short, please.”), sat on the couch next to her, trying to spark up conversation.


    “So, Miss Jasmine, where are you headed to? It's pretty obvious you're a trainer.”


    “A Coordinator, actually, Miss Mattie.”


    “Ohh, I see. So you must be headed to Hearthome?” Matilda asked.


    “Yes ma'am,” Jasmine responded.


    “But the contests don't start for another week and a half! Do you have enough money to stay in hotels for that long?” Matilda asked, concern evident in her almost motherly voice. Jasmine supposed, because she had a daughter around her age, that it was a given that she be treated maternally.


    “I believe so-”


    “I'd like a confirmation! If not, I insist you at least stay here a few more days. You're rather pleasant to be around.”


    “Ma'am-”


    “Mattie, Miss Jasmine.”


    “... Miss Mattie, I don't want to be a burden ...”


    Matilda Adamson then laughed joyously. “Miss Jasmine, you're not at all a burden. In fact, in a few days, my daughters and I were planning on heading to Hearthome ourselves! You can come with us. It'd be safer, wouldn't it?”


    “But Miss Mattie-”


    “No buts. You're staying here,” she said with a warm smile.


    “... Alright,” Jasmine responded, conceding her defeat.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Volkner Denzi sat up in his hospital bed and looked at his surroundings. He could tell that he was in a private room, mainly because of the blinds in all windows of the room, walls were there weren't blinds and a door tightly shut directly in front of him, that to covered by blinds.


    Next to him, on the nightstand provided for him, sat his two Pokeballs. He grabbed one and pressed the release switch, a blinding light flashing through the room. He blinked, recovering from the sudden burst that he hadn't really thought about, and stared at the creature that came out with intense feelings of confusion.


    He knew for certain that a Pichu was not supposed to evolve unless it felt intense kinship to its trainer, or extreme happiness of its situation. Chuseph was not supposed to have evolved – ever. Volkner did not intend to make friends with his Pokemon, to be fatherly to them. But here was proof that he somehow did it anyway, the cute little mouse Pokemon.


    “Pika pika chuuu..” Chuseph cooed cutely, walking up to Volkner's side and laying there.


    And for some ungodly reason, Volkner found himself smiling. Then he forced that away and pressed the release switch of Chuseph's Pokeball once again, and watched as the mouse Pokemon was sucked back into it.


    He lifted up his arm, ignoring the pain, and punched the mattress. Suddenly, he heard the door open, and a nurse stepped through.


    A rather cute nurse, too. “Ah, you're awake, sir!”


    Volkner didn't respond, merely staring at her.


    “You should lie down,” she said. “You've got a torn Trapezius muscle, as well as quite a few bruises all over you, not to mention some cuts. You'll be fighting fit within a week, but I'd really recommend getting some rest-”


    She noticed the Pokeball in his hand.


    “Oh, and you should thank your little guys... if it weren't for them, the wood from the collapsed floor could have done much worse damage. I doubt you'd have died, but you'd be in here for months recovering.”


    Volkner still didn't respond, but did lie down as she instructed him. He didn't want to be awake right now, so sleep was the best option he had left.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    one week later


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~



    Being that Cyrus was the only one who hadn't lost SOMETHING in the collapse, Volkner and Gardenia were now forced to go shopping in the Eterna Pokemart together. A rather limited selection of items, but for a trainer not much was really needed.


    Their list was as following:


    POKE BALLS X 5 (each) (75$)
    SUPER POTIONS X 3 (each) (180$)
    FULL HEALS X 10 (each) (300$)
    DRIED POKECHOW PACKS X 10 (30$)
    DRIED PEOPLE FOOD PACKS X 3 (each, should last 'till our next destination. And by each I mean all three of us!) (45$)
    REPELS X 5 (250$)
    ESTIMATED COST: 880 PokeDollars



    A rather tedious list, and an even more tedious amount of items to carry, but they were all necessities, really.


    So the two shopped for about an hour to get it all done, eliminating a bit of their monetary load in exchange for a more physical one. At least they now had three people to split it between, Volkner thought.


    The two headed outside with huge bags, and they knew their shopping load wasn't over yet.


    So next, while Cyrus once again lazed around outside to “guard the bags” (bleh, Volkner thought to that), the two of them went into Eterna Cycle Shop. Inside, they met a boy around their age manning the store for his father.


    “So, uhh... Rydel, you said it was?” Gardenia asked.


    “Yep!” Rydel responded. “What can I do ya for?”


    “You seem like a pretty cool kid. What would ya recommend for a bike? Cheap, efficient, and sturdy,” she said. “All of 'em.”


    “If that's the case, we have just the bike for you, mademoiselle Gardenia,” a flirtatious-accented Rydel said. “It's called the Bolt. Fast, and can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. Rides smooth across both mountain and man-made territory.”


    “How much?”


    “200 PokeDollars each. They're real new, perfected only last week. Hottest thing on the bike market.”


    “... I said cheap-” Gardenia started, but the fortune of Volkner and Cyrus then came to mind. “Never mind. We'll take three.”


    “Three?!” Rydel said. “Dad'll be thrilled! Come on up to the cash register. Your friend monsieur Denzi- I mean, Mister Volkner, can pick them right on up. They're foldable too, by the way! Real wonders'a technology.”


    Gardenia nodded and walked up to the cash register, reaching into the envelope of money and pulling out exactly six hundred PokeDollars. In the mean time, Rydel struck up conversation to which Gardenia pretty much ignored, keeping her answers short and sweet for the sheer purpose of politeness.


    “Ya'know, I personally think that the Bolt is a bit of a contraption myself. Still the best on the market, but totally inconvinient. Gotta be a more efficient way of doing things, ya'know? Like, I wanna someday make a bike of my own. Kinda similar to the Bolt in terms of endurance, but a... a... Acro-bike! Yeah, I like the sound of it. A flexible one that is much lighter and can do tricks easy. Ya never know when flexibility is important when biking, ya'know?”


    “Yep...” she muttered.


    “You think it's a good idea?”


    “Sure...”


    And finally, the two of them got out of there, meeting Cyrus outside. They all went up to their shared room in the Pokemon center there and got things split up evenly.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    Volkner was smart enough to do the one thing he noticed Gardenia had forgotten to inform him of: get distinctions between bikes.


    Volkner's bike was, like the others, sleek and medium-sized, but a dark shade of yellow like his hair. A rather good looking thing in his opinion.


    He had gotten Gardenia a green one, as she adored grass types.


    For Cyrus, he had followed the same principle he used for his own, and it was a navy blue. The closest thing to the boy's hair color that Volkner could possibly find.


    The three of them sat on their bikes in formation, Cyrus in the lead, Volkner in the middle, and Gardenia on the end, just at the edge of the famed Cycling Road. It was a challenge for trainers to pass – because of its deep incline. Normally, that wouldn't be a problem, but you weren't allowed on there without a bike, and of course a bike on an inclined hill meant serious control issues. Plus there were even some trainers crazy enough to BATTLE on such a hill.


    But the three of them pedaled out, one after the other, and made it down safely. Some dodging had needed to be done to not only avoid crashing into themselves but crashing into others. Quite a few athletic people using the place for exercise shouted such obscenities as, “UP YOUR *** BUDDY!” and “EVER HEARD OF SELF-CONTROL, JERKOFFS?”.


    They finally reached the end, but decided to stay on their bikes for purposes of speed and efficiency. They passed down the road until they reached a two-way path: it was either head south down a slope of a mountain they weren't quite sure they could get back up again, or go through a cave to the east.


    They decided for the eastern cave.


    A relatively uneventful ride went through there – the cave was barely any size at all, and they trudged through the swarms of Zubat and Geodude to make it out in about an hour. Finally, they reached the next destination city – Hearthome.


    But the problem was, they reached the area as a duo, not a trio. Cyrus, for some reason, had decided that he wanted to stay to explore the area's inside a little longer. To their reluctance, Volkner and Gardenia had left on without him. Hopefully he wouldn't pull a Chateau on them again.


    The two walked from there on out, and on their way to a Pokemon Center to drop off their stuff, they came across an odd sight.


    A girl. She was obviously pretty young, maybe around nine or ten years old, and she sat on a public bench simply bawling her eyes out. Her entire frame shook, her chest heaving. A pretty little sight, nice brown hair and amber eyes, it was a bit pitiful to Volkner – but he would remain stoic on the situation. Even if they didn't check it out, he'd sleep well that night, but he couldn't help but sigh as he realized it: Gardenia would perform the duties of any female at the sight of a crying comrade. Comfort, support, and be an overall annoyance to any stoic traveling partner. And in this case, Volkner was said traveling partner.


    GOD DAMN IT.


    “Hey, hey...” Gardenia said in a low, babyish tone. “What's wrong?”


    The blubbering annoyance looked up to Gardenia and lifted up an arm, wiping away tears with the back of her hand. “... Some escaped! The poor little babies, in a city this big... they c-could...”


    “What do ya mean?” Gardenia asked, and so an explanation was given.


    This was a young girl nicknamed Bebe. A part time computer-geek, part-time breeder of Eevees, she had been taking a couple she was raising out for a walk, when a group of “cool tough-guys” had purposely scared them with their Pokemon. She had lost her grip of collars, and pretty soon Kiki, one of the two Eevees she had been exercising (a nameless runt of the litter hadn't been ballsy enough to get away, apparently) run off into the city.


    “It's okay, Bebe!” Gardenia tried to comfort. “I'm sure people'll get suspicious when they see Eevees with collars. Tell the Police you've lost 'em.”


    “... I have already, but it's no comfort!” she exclaimed. “I want my widdle baby backkkk...”


    Gardenia then looked up, and Volkner froze in fear.


    “... You're going to make me go try and find her, aren't you?” he asked.


    Gardenia nodded. “I'm gonna take some money and go see the contests today with Bebe. You'll be runnin' 'round Hearthome findin' that Eevee.”


    “No-”


    “Problem? How sweet of ya, Volkner!” Gardenia exclaimed. She quickly pulled Bebe's weight up and the two walked off.


    “... God damn it,” Volkner muttered. “Leaving ME with the dirty jobs. Cyrus, why aren't you with us?!”


    And at that moment, Volkner would get the answer to his question with the ringing of his phone. He pressed it up to his ear.


    “Cyrus?” he asked.


    “Yeah,” Cyrus responded. “Listen, Volkner. I know it's kind of sudden, but I've decided that I'd like some alone time. To travel alone. Good luck with finding out what's happened to you – hopefully I'll be making a long distance call to Johto next time I call you.”


    “... Damn it,” Volkner muttered. “Alright, I suppose. Good luck, Cyrus. See ya.”


    “See ya.”


    With a click of the phone shutting, Volkner suddenly felt a slight loneliness.

    "... Damn it."


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    Cyrus Akagi stared at the carving in front of him with a slight wonder in his eyes. It was text in an ancient language, but from studies as a younger child, Cyrus understood it perfectly.


    He was glad that he had stumbled upon it. Because it introduced a whole new idea in his head, the thoughts of perhaps making his dreams come true.


    If he could perform this, this chain-to-beast act, decipher its true meaning behind the words and get it done... well, he would be doing a great favor to mankind. He smiled broadly at the thought: a world without strife.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    Gardenia walked into the Contest Hall and observed another odd sight.


    Bebe had calmed down by now, but apparently another soul needed comforting, and she felt the compelling urge to be there as well as she could for someone who needed it. So, she handed money to Bebe.


    “Go buy tickets. I gotta go use the restroom,” she said swiftly, before approaching the girl who sat on the couch of the lobby.


    She was a beautiful girl, obviously around her age of thirteen. She had pampered herself a bit for show-purposes, and already Gardenia could tell from that that she intended to enter the Contest. Perhaps a nervous breakdown? She wasn't crying hard (tears were streaming down her face) but she was shaking violently, her eyes wide with evidence of fright.


    Gardenia sat down next to her and placed a hand on the back of her sheer white dress, accidentally brushing against her brown hair. “Hey, what's wrong?” she asked.


    The girl remained unresponsive.


    “A nervous breakdown? Ya a Contest Entry?”


    The girl nodded.


    “What's yer name?”
    The girl remained quiet for a few moments, before speaking in a slow, careful voice.


    “Jasmine.”


    Gardenia nodded. “Ah, okey doke. My name's Gardenia. Now listen up here, I gotta go get my seat. But I 'spect ya to be in that contest, ya hear? Don'tcha disappoint me, otherwise I'll never forgive ya.”


    The reaction to this was violent, but positive.


    Jasmine leaped to her feet and nodded swiftly. “... T-thank you,” she said, before turning and dashing off.


    After the girls took their seats, Gardenia lay back in hers and waited for the show to begin.


    At that precise moment, the girl beside her initiated conversation.


    “So, you excited for the show?” she asked. Her voice was high-pitched, pleasant to the point of almost being soothing. Gardenia looked over to her. She had a head of straight brown hair (apparently a very common color here in Hearthome – this girl was the third brunette she had spoken to in less than half an hour), and wore a long red dress. Her eyes were as blue as the ocean itself, calming.


    “Yeh,” Gardenia said, smiling. “I've always wanted 'ta see a Contest. But bein' cooped up back in my hometown, only got 'ta do it on the television, and even then I was barely available that long.”


    “Really? Where's your hometown?” the girl asked.


    “Eterna City. I was a gym trainer, I say 'was' 'cause I'm currently off active duty for trainin' purposes.”


    “Oh. I hear Lillith Florence was once quite the contest spectacle.”


    “She's a beaut, fer sure. I can imagine her in one just as plain as I'd'a imagined her in the gym.”


    “Heheh... I'm sure. So, what's your name, if you don't mind me asking?”


    “Gardenia. Yerself?”


    The girl answered, and the two conversed until the show finally began, Bebe popping in for the occasional comment.




    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    “And now I've got'cha, ya little...” Volkner muttered as he lay his eyes upon the brown-furred creature, a black collar around her neck labeled with the name “Kiki”. “Time to come home to your mama so I can get out'a here 'n quick...”


    Volkner leaped forward, his arms swiping together in an attempt to embrace the Eevee tight enough so that it couldn't struggle its way out, but loose enough to allow respiration. It wouldn't have mattered how tight he had tried to make his embrace anyway: he had embraced the air.


    He was in an alleyway as he tried to catch this thing, and instead of taking a dive onto the ground like he had planned, he had also miscalculated his aim. He hit a trashcan straight on, knocking over the contents onto the ground and (he wasn't sure, but he had some confidence in the theory) giving himself a slight concussion. He leaped up to his feet again, taking off after the creature. It had run into the streets and Volkner intended to follow.


    “STOP THAT EEVEE!” he bellowed, but of course the idiotic citizens of Hearthome did just the opposite by stepping out of his way. Finally, he decided to throw caution to the wind, and he leaped forward once again: right in front of a massive crowd in the local plaza, he had leaped to the ground and stuck his fingers in an Eevee's collar, scraping up his face but in the proccess catching the Pokemon.


    He walked to the contest hall and began to wait outside, holding a baby Eevee content in his arms. Sickening, really.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~




    Gardenia stood outside of the backstage entry way, Bebe obviously perplexed, but able to tell Gardenia was excited.


    After a few minutes of waiting, the door opened to reveal a beaming Jasmine, who had performed over her stage fright and done so excellently. She had not won, but she had done one of the most beautiful performances with her Butterfree that Gardenia had ever had the privelege of seeing.


    “Well, well,” Gardenia said. “Someone sure didn't disappoint.”


    Gardenia was pleasantly surprised when the shy girl then walked closer to her and drew her into an embrace.


    “Thank you!”


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    Volkner was greeted outside by a trio of girls – Gardenia, Bebe and some new girl. This new girl had a particular radiance to her, a cute girl very close to his age, but he would ignore her for new, a bit too annoyed to flirt.


    “Here's your Eevee back,” Volkner muttered to Bebe and handed the creature to her. The little girl was ecstatic. “And who's your friend, Gardenia?”


    The girl bowed her head quickly. “My name's J-Jasmine,” she said. He wondered what the stutter was for. “Gardenia told me about her friends. H-huh-handsome, lean and strong looking... Cyrus?”


    “Volkner,” he responded flatly.


    “... Oh.”


    “Speakin'a which,” Gardenia said over a few squeals from Bebe. “Any news from Cyrus yet?”


    “I'll tell you later,” Volkner said. “Once we drop Bebe back to her place and... Jasmine... wherever she's going.”


    “Actually,” Gardenia said with a smirk. “She was wondering if she could travel with us. What do ya think?”


    Volkner simply shrugged. “Whatever.”


    So the four walked to their respective destinations – Bebe to her home close by the Pokemon Center, and Volkner, Gardenia and Jasmine to the Pokemon Center itself. It was there that Volkner explained Cyrus's wishes to her.


    “That so?” she asked. “Kind of a disappointment. Good thing we got a new member of the gang then, eh?”


    “Whatever...”


    Gardenia sighed and stood up, turning around to walk toward her bed. But at that moment, something fell out of her back pocket.


    “Dropped something,” Volkner said.


    “Oh... oh! Look at this,” she said. “Met this girl in the Contest Hall. So nice. Took a picture with her from some photographer.”


    Volkner reluctantly accepted the photograph. He drew in sharp breathe.


    Gardenia stood next to a girl in a red dress. The face of this girl was all too familiar, and the horror of it was confirmed by the signature.


    “Best Wishes to Gardenia on her travels!
    - signed, Mana Aname”







    Author's Notes: So here we are. One heck of an eventful chapter, eh? We meet Rydel, Bebe, Jasmine joins our crew, Cyrus leaves it, and Mana makes her comeback in a sinister and enigmatic way. So fun. =D


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    The Norwegian Fjords (I wish)
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    this is fantastic. i luv Chuseph
    I am the Kingdom of Norway in the Hetalia Fan Club


        Spoiler:- Credit:


    The Boston Tea Party-Hetalia Style
    Originally posted by mariobrosvswariobros
    I think it would be chibi America dumping tea down the toilet
    Originally posted by TeamRocketGrunt
    Yeah, he'd be all like "Why are you dumping my prized tea?! My mumsie always-" and then America would carry on. Hahahahaha!

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    344

    Default

    Thank you! I'm glad you like it.

    Anyways, Chapter 8 is coming on strong, except for the whole writer's block part. That sort of impedes it.

    I'll hopefully have it up by the end of next week. If not, sorry, and I'll be sure to make it up to you guys however I can.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

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