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Thread: Sinnoh Stories - The Legend of Volkner!

  1. #51
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    It may have been sort, but it was awsum!
    Chuseph's battle & evolution were awsum. I wonder how Volkner will react 2 seeing chuseph now. Btw, it was Saturn who called Cyrus "Giggles". How'd Cyrus get Saturn on board?????
    I am the Kingdom of Norway in the Hetalia Fan Club


        Spoiler:- Credit:


    The Boston Tea Party-Hetalia Style
    Originally posted by mariobrosvswariobros
    I think it would be chibi America dumping tea down the toilet
    Originally posted by TeamRocketGrunt
    Yeah, he'd be all like "Why are you dumping my prized tea?! My mumsie always-" and then America would carry on. Hahahahaha!

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by #1TransendTrainer View Post
    It may have been sort, but it was awsum!
    Chuseph's battle & evolution were awsum. I wonder how Volkner will react 2 seeing chuseph now. Btw, it was Saturn who called Cyrus "Giggles". How'd Cyrus get Saturn on board?????
    AH GOD DAMN IT. I never can keep the names straight. -_-

    It's said in the chapter how he gets Saturn on board, though.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  3. #53
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    He's doing it 4 money????? I'm afraid 2 know wat Gardenias reaction 2 Volkner will be. Jasmines, not so much. She's gonna b worried that's 4 sure
    I am the Kingdom of Norway in the Hetalia Fan Club


        Spoiler:- Credit:


    The Boston Tea Party-Hetalia Style
    Originally posted by mariobrosvswariobros
    I think it would be chibi America dumping tea down the toilet
    Originally posted by TeamRocketGrunt
    Yeah, he'd be all like "Why are you dumping my prized tea?! My mumsie always-" and then America would carry on. Hahahahaha!

  4. #54
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    Sinnoh Stories
    The Legend of Volkner
    Intermission II:
    Sacrifice


    Perhaps the single most frightening thing to ever happen in her life was to see that home on fire: she stepped up to it, her eyes widening further by the second until she thought that her eyeballs would pop right out of their sockets. A dainty hand was extended, grabbing fruitlessly forward with the aim of grabbing Him and pulling Him out.

    She realized a couple seconds later that the idea of this happening was absurd. She rushed forward into the burning home, ignoring the sweltering heat. If she could have, she would have ignored the flames themselves and just rushed on through, not caring a bit about the burns that she would have sustained. But she ducked and dodged burning things, hearing His anguished cries and using them as motivation.

    "Gahhh! ****, ****, my face, my ****ing face!"

    She heard His voice. She shut her eyes, and rushed further into the flames.

    "Take my hand, boy!" she exclaimed.

    She felt his hand grasp onto hers after a couple of moments. It was a weak grip. She didn't care. She held out hope, stomping out the flames that covered his body, thinking only secondly about the damages. She took his now flameless body into her arms and rushed toward the door.

    "**** YOU!" she screamed, and burst through one of the holes in the walls of the home. She let his body fall to the ground, and took a hand, brushing it against his singed yellow hair.

    "C'mon, Volk," she whispered. "C'mon, Volk! You can live through this... I know you can... come on!"

    "Miss Cohen, it's not going to happen."

    She heard the sound of a man's voice. She whispered another tired **** you, and continued to chant her hopes, her encouragements. She knew He could fight through this.

    "Lisa!" the same voice said. "Lisa! He's dead. C'mon, we need to move."

    She turned her eyes to the sky, and realized it was true. She let out one last whispered curse to the man who had done this, got to her feet, and rushed away.

    Rain began to fall. It wasn't a steady progression: it was a sudden downpour, as if someone had turned on a switch and it started coming down. She was a bit frustrated at this, but a bit glad at the same time: it helped confuse people as to whether it was rain or tears that gently trickled down her cheeks.

    As she moved, she heard a voice, and stopped. There was no around her. "...Huh?"

    "Wake up! C'mon, wake up! Yer screamin'!"

    The voice sounded oddly familiar. She shrugged it off and kept on running to the safehouse.



    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Lisa Cohen, also known as Mana Aname, woke up and sat bolt upright. She felt the gentle trickle of sweat down her forehead, which also felt so hot that it seemed on fire. She felt a jolt of pain in her back, and she lowered herself smoothly to the soaked bedsheets.

    "'ey, girly, what was with that? You have a nightmare?"

    Mana allowed herself a soft, nervous giggle. If only, she thought. If only.

    "...Don't wanna talk 'bout it? Okay, that's understandable, I s'pose," Gardenia said. Mana reached out and grabbed the other girl's hand, squeezing it.

    "Any luck?" she asked. She looked up at the girl earnestly, saw the downward gaze and the furrow of her brow, and knew immediately that something had to have gone wrong. She let loose a small, barely audible, gasp of breathe.

    "...We've found him," Gardenia said. "...But-"

    "...He isn't...?"

    "He's in bad condition. Very bad. The Doctors think he might not live through the night."

    Jasmine, who -- up until this point -- Mana had not even realized was there, spoke up. "He's next door. Whoever got him beat him up pretty badly. Broken ribs. A hairline frac-...fracture in the skull. Both his legs were virtually snapped r-r-right in tuh-two... shots luckily missed any major organs... but the intention was to kill him. And they... they might..."

    "...Be successful yet," Gardenia finished. "He's been unconscious for the entire day -- yeah. You've... been asleep that long. We found him yesterday."

    Mana sat up. The pain rushed through her back, and she cursed quite loudly. She swung her legs over the side of the bed.

    "Oy! Stop it!" Gardenia said.

    "I wish I could," Mana said in a matter-of-fact tone. She stood up, placing her hand on the side of the bed for support, while the other rested limply at her side. Jasmine popped up out of her seat, letting that arm sling around her shoulder.

    "...W-what? What're you doing?" Jasmine asked.

    "The one thing I can do," Mana whispered.

    "Get back in the bed, ya damned fool!" Gardenia said sternly. She pointed to the bed, but to get her point through, Mana simply lifted her middle finger in Gardenia's direction.

    "...It will all be explained. Jasmine, help me to Volk's room."

    "No... get back into bed..." Jasmine said.

    Gardenia looked to be in shock at the gesture. She stood there, mouth open, her face a bright red. The reaction for Jasmine would be worse, and she knew this all too well. She would have to be fragile with her wording.

    "Jasmine. Do it. Now. I won't hesitate to do this on my own two legs, so just help me and make things so much easier."

    Jasmine paused for a few moments, then nodded. "...A-...alright."

    The two of them moved slowly but surely out of the door and into the next room. Gardenia followed them after a couple of moments.

    The sight of Him in that bed, attached to so many machines, including a respiration device, broke Mana's heart. She limped over to him with Jasmine's help, leaned over, and placed a kiss on his bandaged forehead.

    "Pull me a chair, Jasmine," Mana said.

    Jasmine did so. Mana sat down, and proceeded to tell her story.


    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    Love at first sight was not the most logical thing in the world to Lisa Cohen at one time. She was a logical person, running off calculating thinking: not things that she couldn't see. Like the soul, for instance - she didn't believe in those.

    But then she caught sight of a boy. He was rough, a militaryesque type of guy with ruffled yellow hair, a blue, buttoned jacket, and a pair of faded jeans. That Pikachu of his on his shoulder only increased his appeal. She lost her soul to him upon first sight.

    She approached him. "...Hiya."

    The boy looked at her indifferently for a moment, then extended his right hand toward her. "Hola, senorita."

    "...Smooth talker, huh?" Lisa asked, allowing herself a shy smile.

    "Si. Name's Volkner," he said.

    "...Lisa. Lisa Cohen."

    She extended her own hand, grabbing his, and he shook it firmly but with a peculiar gentleness at the same time.

    "A pleasure, Miss Cohen."

    She felt her smile widen considerably. Volkner smiled back.



    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Lisa Cohen rapped lightly on the wooden door. She waited for a few moments, then waved as the door opened to the familiar, blue-eyed face.

    "Lisa!" Volkner said. "Wasn't expecting you... c'mon in."

    Lisa and Volkner stepped inside. The two of them sat down in the living room.

    "So what'd you come over for?" Volkner asked.

    "Ah, nothing important," Lisa lied. "I just wanted to see you."

    "That so? I mean, I knew I had charm, but not that much."

    Lisa giggled. "Volkner Denzi, I was kind of hoping to ask you to go to dinner and go see a movie with me, but I guess I shouldn't go with someone so vain, huh?"

    "Oh. Certainly you should. What fun is someone who isn't?"

    Lisa thought about it for a moment. "...Touche."

    The two of them burst out laughing.

    "And I thought you were a man, Denzi. I suppose I'll call you 'Boy' from now on. More fitting."

    "And I suppose I'll call you 'Girl', then."

    "Or you could call me girlfriend."

    "Girlfriend it is."



    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    "So, Volk," Lisa said. "What were you like as a kid? I'm kinda curious."

    "Rude, a brat, and overall snotty."

    "That so?"

    "Indeed it is. I'm somewhat glad I'm out of that phase - I was angsty, and even abused Pokemon some."

    Volk's Pikachu leaped down from his shoulder, turning around. "You see that scar on his back?"

    Lisa's mouth opened wide. There was a long, white scar running through the Pokemon's fur.

    "I made it," Volkner said.

    "Why...?!" Lisa asked, gasping.

    "He wouldn't listen to me." Volkner's voice was thin, his eyes glancing toward the ground.

    "...I think Chuseph forgives you," Lisa said. "Otherwise he wouldn't have evolved into a Pikachu."

    Volkner nodded. "Yeah. But I... I still regret it to this day."

    Lisa allowed herself a kind smile. This always seemed to calm Volkner down a bit. "Then that's good. If you regret it, it won't happen again."



    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    "Did you hear the news, Volk?" Lisa asked as she stepped through his doorway, out of the rain. She shut her umbrella, and set it next to the door.

    "Yeah..." Volkner's voice was thin for the first time in a while. He was not sad, like last time -- she caught hints of anger in his voice. "This is tragic. Who could destroy... an entire -region- so easily?"

    Lisa nodded slowly. "Horrible. No one can stop this guy... not with... who he controls."

    "His next target is Johto. I feel it."

    Lisa leaned in, giving Volkner a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Let's not worry about it, though. I'm sure I'm just over-exaggerating -- SOMEONE can stop him."

    Volkner nodded. "Yeah- me."



    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


    "Volk is dead," Lisa thought. "There's no turning back. Oh god, volk is dead, Lisa, it's no use going on - he's dead, oh GOD, oh GOD-"

    "Calm yourself."

    A voice in her head, Lisa realized, had said that. She hadn't heard it with her ears. She stopped dead in her tracks.

    "What?"

    "Do you want to save the one you love?" the voice continued.

    "...He's dead. I c-...cuh-cuh-can't..."

    "Yes you can." This was a second voice. Lighter, more kindhearted. "If you accept the offer to."

    "I'll accept anything!" Lisa cried.

    The two popped up in front of her. She grabbed their tiny hands - one green, one pink.

    "Good." They spoke in perfect unison, sending shivers down her spine. "The spirit inside you is strong. You will do anything. We will assist you: we will do for you a great favor... as long as you do us one first."

    Lisa Cohen smiled sadly, and allowed the darkness to take her over.



    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    "... Mana is the concept of spirit inside inanimate objects. I considered myself inanimate -- without Volkner. Aname is a simple combination of 'A' and 'name'. My real name is Lisa Cohen... and I'm here to make sure Volkner gets his wish. That's mine."

    She whistled a slow, melodic tune.

    Seconds later, the leafy green Pokemon, with its wide eyes and tiny appendages, appeared at Lisa's side. "...Find Chuseph. He was released."

    "Chuseph was who brought him here. Along with a Luxio."

    Lisa glanced toward the desk next to Volkner's bed, and she nodded. Three Pokeballs rested atop it - two cracked, one in perfect shape.

    "Are you sure you want me to do this?"

    "Celebi, I've never been more sure in my life. Healing Wish. Then Baton Pass it to me."

    Celebi began to glow a bright shade of pink. The Pokemon then extended its tiny, glowing paw to Lisa, who grabbed it and held it firm. The pink energy began to channel to her, covering her in a bright aura. She used her free hand to touch Volkner. He too began to glow this shade, but mixed in with this was a lighter blue.

    Lisa felt her muscles grow weaker. Pain rushed through her body. She fell to the floor, one hand still firmly dug into Volkner's skin by her fingernails. But in a few moments, those dragged off too. She heard the sound of Volkner moving, the sound of voices calling out for help, and she ignored them all.

    "...Volkner can never know," she whispered. She wasn't sure if she could be heard, but she had to try. She felt the blackness begin to envelope her.

    She was happy.

    Lisa Cohen died with a smile on her face.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  5. #55
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    Wait a second. DID YOU JUST KILL OFF MANA? NOOOOOO HOW COULD YOU.

    Good chapter otherwise I guess. Flashbacks were a bit confusing, though.

  6. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by smashlloyd20 View Post
    Wait a second. DID YOU JUST KILL OFF MANA? NOOOOOO HOW COULD YOU.

    Good chapter otherwise I guess. Flashbacks were a bit confusing, though.
    Indeed I did.

    Thanks! But could you elaborate? How exactly are these flashbacks confusing?


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  7. #57
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    I like the way you bled in the description. Since Lisa/Mana is barely coming to her senses, it would make sense that the structure of the description would slowly, but surely, be described in a way that's disoriented and not too sure of itself. The dialogue also mimicked this wonderfully.

    The only other person in the room was a man in a blue uniform, rather heavyset. His belt contained an array of items: a can of something, a nightstick, a gun, et cetera. A Policeman.

    Jasmine was speaking to the Policeman, her voice filled with tension and worry.
    Eh, no need to capitalize policeman here. If you're using it in the place of his name (aka a proper noun), that's when you should capitalize it. On a short note, I've never seen it spelled “et cetera.” I've only seen it as one word (etcetera).

    "...Jasmine, stay here with here, okay? I'll head out and look," Gardenia said.
    Her

    Surprising. It isn't Volkner in the hospital this time. =P

    The conversation here was nice and fluid but a little fast at the same time. In ways I get it because there are more important things to focus on, like Volkner, well, not being here despite his injuries, though I wish there was some breaks in the dialogue for the characters to take in the information (because, well, if you heard your friend was shot and not here, you figured you'd need some time to process wtf his problem is). You also got ellipsis heavy again with Gardenia's speech. I'm not sure why. Hesitation?

    "Well then," he sad.
    Said.

    The following scene with Saturn and Volkner had intense, and believable dialogue, but it kind of fell into the same problems with Mana's scene; you didn't really give your characters a chance to react a bit of speech or dialogue. (A kick in the groin and nothing from Volkner?) I do like that you kept Volkner stubborn and defiant which seemed to get on Saturn's nerves.

    "We are prideful people. Destroy our pride. If you can beat the three of us - Ike, Drech and Myself
    Myself shouldn't be capitalized.

    Hmm, it was nice to read from Chuseph's perspective. It was interesting how he interprets his relationship with Volkner (he's a jerk, yeah, but he's my jerk, and I'm sure he's nice down there somewhere). Kind of hope you expand on this idea in later chapters (I still have another chapter to go, so perhaps I shouldn't jump to conclusions) since their relationship is a bit complicated. For the most part, you executed this battle well; the descriptions of the attacks were enough for me to picture what was going on but not too much where it weighed down the speed of the action. I also like how you managed to throw out the name of the attack via comments from the audience. Like always, you have a creative interpretation of the attacks. Definitely Chuseph is a badass. =P

    Overall, while this chapter was a swift, easy, and intriguing read, it did seem kind of rushed. The balance was heavily weighed on the dialogue side than the narrative side. In a way, it did seem like you were using your dialogue to tell the story which isn't really the best way to go. Like I said earlier, it sometimes feels like you're jumping over reactions and emotions if you just rely on dialogue.

    Anyway, chapter 15 time!

    Croce's Magnet Rise seemed to be deteriorating in strength; he was slowly falling toward the Earth again, and Chuseph stepped back to avoid this landing occuring right on top of him.
    Occurring

    Quick on his feet, Chuseph lunged toward that odd green rock and pulling it out of the ground with his good arm.
    Pulled.

    "What the hell? What idiot let a Pikachu in the arena with a Thunderstone nearby?" Croce roared.
    Bah, I should have figured there was something up with you describing that random rock in the ground. Interesting way for Chuseph to evolve, though.

    Kind of the same comments from the last chapter with this scene. You executed the battle well, and the tone was appropriate (fast and full of energy), but I felt like you were using dialogue to tell your story again.

    The pride of knowing you are considered a warrior among warriors, the satisfaction an evolution,
    I think you're missing a word between “satisfaction” and “an.” Probably “of.”

    Ah, so Cyrus is finally facing Saturn again, this time in different circumstances. D:

    I always liked the length of your chapters. Not because I have a crapton of fics to get through and short chapters are just <3333 to me or anything (lols) but because you really do know how much plot to reveal for a chapter. It's just the right amount where the reader feels satisfied but at the same time makes the reader eagerly wait for the next chapter. You also have a good handle on juggling several plot lines in the air without having them get too tangled with each other but knowing how to merge the two together if the story calls for it.

    Moving on!

    But she ducked and dodged burning things, hearing His anguished cries and using them as motivation.

    "Gahhh! ****, ****, my face, my ****ing face!"
    Bahaha, sorry. I'm not sure if you intended it or not, but the way you built up the seriousness of this fire, Lisa's determination, and the guy's “anguished cries” just made the following cuss-filled line so ... funny. Effin' Volkner just has to ruin a serious moment like that. XP

    You like rain and tear imagery, don't ya? =P You've used that “no one could tell if it was tears or rain streaming down her face” line a couple of times.

    She let loose a small, barely audible, gasp of breathe.
    Breath. Every time I review, there's one of these, haha.

    "He's in bad condition. Very bad. The Doctors think he might not live through the night."
    “Doctors” doesn't need to be capitalized.
    That little scene explaining Lisa's and Volkner's first encounter was cute. =3 I figure I should comment on the scene before that. I like how you toyed around with the personalities, with Gardenia trying to take control (like always) and Jasmine being tentative and quiet (like always) and Mana/Lisa kind of destroying the norms by giving Gardenia the finger and commanding Jasmine to help her.

    "Good." They spoke in perfect unison, sending shivers down her spine. "The spirit inside you is strong. You will do anything. We will assist you: we will do for you a great favor... as long as you do us one first."
    I always loved this line. Love the tie in back to the first chapter.

    Wow, that chapter was ... wow. I loved the way you framed it, showing us what could have happened in another life had Lisa and Volkner gotten along. It just made Lisa's sacrifice all the more powerful. I kind of wish you played more with the flashback (or whatever they are) scenes and developed them a bit more (you relied on dialogue heavily again to tell the story); I felt like her sacrifice and the ending of this intermission could have been a lot more sadder and powerful had you did. Though it was still very bittersweet nonetheless with the what could have been vs. what is happening now. Mana/Lisa is such an interesting character; the way you wrote her earlier made me think she did have a slight grudge against Volkner (at the very best loved teasing him). It kind of makes her story a little sadder as I think she would have to put aside her love for Volkner so he could, essentially, save the world with her guidance. Anyway, loved this intermission lots.

  8. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I like the way you bled in the description. Since Lisa/Mana is barely coming to her senses, it would make sense that the structure of the description would slowly, but surely, be described in a way that's disoriented and not too sure of itself. The dialogue also mimicked this wonderfully.

    Muchos Gracias.

    Eh, no need to capitalize policeman here. If you're using it in the place of his name (aka a proper noun), that's when you should capitalize it. On a short note, I've never seen it spelled “et cetera.” I've only seen it as one word (etcetera).

    Got'cha: And I've only ever seen it "et cetera". o_O I'll look it up later, I guess.

    Her

    FFFFFUUUU-

    Surprising. It isn't Volkner in the hospital this time. =P

    IT'S THE APOCALYSE I TELL YA.

    The conversation here was nice and fluid but a little fast at the same time. In ways I get it because there are more important things to focus on, like Volkner, well, not being here despite his injuries, though I wish there was some breaks in the dialogue for the characters to take in the information (because, well, if you heard your friend was shot and not here, you figured you'd need some time to process wtf his problem is). You also got ellipsis heavy again with Gardenia's speech. I'm not sure why. Hesitation?

    Got'cha. And no: ellipsis heaviness is just old habit. x_X; I'll work on it.

    Said.

    no, no, i'm sayin' he sad. - *shot* I'll fix it.

    The following scene with Saturn and Volkner had intense, and believable dialogue, but it kind of fell into the same problems with Mana's scene; you didn't really give your characters a chance to react a bit of speech or dialogue. (A kick in the groin and nothing from Volkner?) I do like that you kept Volkner stubborn and defiant which seemed to get on Saturn's nerves.

    I thought I included a reaction for Volkner. Really need to proofread better. x_X;

    Myself shouldn't be capitalized.

    YES IT SH- *shot* Got'cha, it'll be fixed.

    Hmm, it was nice to read from Chuseph's perspective. It was interesting how he interprets his relationship with Volkner (he's a jerk, yeah, but he's my jerk, and I'm sure he's nice down there somewhere).

    :3 Indeed.

    Kind of hope you expand on this idea in later chapters (I still have another chapter to go, so perhaps I shouldn't jump to conclusions) since their relationship is a bit complicated. For the most part, you executed this battle well; the descriptions of the attacks were enough for me to picture what was going on but not too much where it weighed down the speed of the action. I also like how you managed to throw out the name of the attack via comments from the audience. Like always, you have a creative interpretation of the attacks. Definitely Chuseph is a badass. =P

    They call me Agent Oh-Two-Five: Pikachu. Pikachu Bond.

    Overall, while this chapter was a swift, easy, and intriguing read, it did seem kind of rushed. The balance was heavily weighed on the dialogue side than the narrative side. In a way, it did seem like you were using your dialogue to tell the story which isn't really the best way to go. Like I said earlier, it sometimes feels like you're jumping over reactions and emotions if you just rely on dialogue.

    DDDDIIIIAAALLLOOOGGGGUUEEEE. I've had this problem pointed out to me before. I'll keep trying to work on lightening it up some.

    Anyway, chapter 15 time!

    Occurring

    Gotc'ha.

    Pulled.

    Got'cha.

    Bah, I should have figured there was something up with you describing that random rock in the ground. Interesting way for Chuseph to evolve, though.

    Exactly. :3

    Kind of the same comments from the last chapter with this scene. You executed the battle well, and the tone was appropriate (fast and full of energy), but I felt like you were using dialogue to tell your story again.

    d.i.a.l.o.g.u.e. D< *shakefist*

    I think you're missing a word between “satisfaction” and “an.” Probably “of.”

    Yeah. I'll fix it.

    Ah, so Cyrus is finally facing Saturn again, this time in different circumstances. D:

    Yep. Cyrus now will possibly have a contact in the criminal world. :3

    I always liked the length of your chapters. Not because I have a crapton of fics to get through and short chapters are just <3333 to me or anything (lols) but because you really do know how much plot to reveal for a chapter. It's just the right amount where the reader feels satisfied but at the same time makes the reader eagerly wait for the next chapter. You also have a good handle on juggling several plot lines in the air without having them get too tangled with each other but knowing how to merge the two together if the story calls for it.

    Thanks.

    Moving on!

    Bahaha, sorry. I'm not sure if you intended it or not, but the way you built up the seriousness of this fire, Lisa's determination, and the guy's “anguished cries” just made the following cuss-filled line so ... funny. Effin' Volkner just has to ruin a serious moment like that. XP

    ...Lol. I didn't intend it, but looking back on it, it -is- pretty funny. SERIOUS- SERIOUSNESS. Then all of a sudden, "oh god my face".

    You like rain and tear imagery, don't ya? =P You've used that “no one could tell if it was tears or rain streaming down her face” line a couple of times.

    Yeah, I was just thinking about how often I use that. o_O

    Breath. Every time I review, there's one of these, haha.

    DAMNNNN THHHAAATTT WWWWOOORRRDDDDDD.

    “Doctors” doesn't need to be capitalized.

    Whoopsie.

    That little scene explaining Lisa's and Volkner's first encounter was cute. =3 I figure I should comment on the scene before that.

    I like how you toyed around with the personalities, with Gardenia trying to take control (like always) and Jasmine being tentative and quiet (like always) and Mana/Lisa kind of destroying the norms by giving Gardenia the finger and commanding Jasmine to help her.

    I always loved this line. Love the tie in back to the first chapter.

    :3 I thought some people would like that.

    Wow, that chapter was ... wow. I loved the way you framed it, showing us what could have happened in another life had Lisa and Volkner gotten along. It just made Lisa's sacrifice all the more powerful. I kind of wish you played more with the flashback (or whatever they are) scenes and developed them a bit more (you relied on dialogue heavily again to tell the story); I felt like her sacrifice and the ending of this intermission could have been a lot more sadder and powerful had you did.

    Is that so? Like I said, I'll work on it.

    Though it was still very bittersweet nonetheless with the what could have been vs. what is happening now. Mana/Lisa is such an interesting character; the way you wrote her earlier made me think she did have a slight grudge against Volkner (at the very best loved teasing him).

    She's a playful type when she's not so hellbent on guiding a certain yellow haired kid. Or dead on the floor.

    It kind of makes her story a little sadder as I think she would have to put aside her love for Volkner so he could, essentially, save the world with her guidance. Anyway, loved this intermission lots.

    Indeed.
    As always, appreciate the review! I'll get to fixing errors the moment I get onto a computer that isn't so friggin' slow. D:


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  9. #59
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    how the heck do u kill off a character like Mana????
    I am the Kingdom of Norway in the Hetalia Fan Club


        Spoiler:- Credit:


    The Boston Tea Party-Hetalia Style
    Originally posted by mariobrosvswariobros
    I think it would be chibi America dumping tea down the toilet
    Originally posted by TeamRocketGrunt
    Yeah, he'd be all like "Why are you dumping my prized tea?! My mumsie always-" and then America would carry on. Hahahahaha!

  10. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by #1TransendTrainer View Post
    how the heck do u kill off a character like Mana????
    Because it couldn't be an AlexandrianShipping story if Volkner had another girlfriend, silly!

    I killed her off for angst! Yay, angst. Yeah. *innocent whistle*

    Really, though, it was done because it creates more of a drive for Volkner to take down the rising villain of the story, Fluffy the Ugly Ducklett Cyrus.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  11. #61
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    Default Fluffy the Ugly Ducklett

    Quote Originally Posted by IanDonyer View Post
    Because it couldn't be an AlexandrianShipping story if Volkner had another girlfriend, silly!
    lol
    I killed her off for angst! Yay, angst. Yeah. *innocent whistle*
    wth?
    Really, though, it was done because it creates more of a drive for Volkner to take down the rising villain of the story, Fluffy the Ugly Ducklett Cyrus.
    lol @ Fluffy. well,u actually got a point there
    I am the Kingdom of Norway in the Hetalia Fan Club


        Spoiler:- Credit:


    The Boston Tea Party-Hetalia Style
    Originally posted by mariobrosvswariobros
    I think it would be chibi America dumping tea down the toilet
    Originally posted by TeamRocketGrunt
    Yeah, he'd be all like "Why are you dumping my prized tea?! My mumsie always-" and then America would carry on. Hahahahaha!

  12. #62
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    SINNOH STORIES
    THE LEGEND OF VOLKNER

    Chapter 16: For Sinnoh


    "She will be returned to her original time," Celebi stated. "Only the three who currently know her story will remember her. I'm sorry."

    "What?!" Gardenia choked out. "Forget that!"

    She moved toward the door, opening it and beginning to scream. "Hey, we need a ****in' crash cart here guys, c'mon, someone, help her out, C'MON, SOMEONE!"

    But there was no response. Gardenia screamed for help, screamed 'till her lungs seemed to deflate, but it was as if she and the others were invisible to the outside world. The doctors and nurses strolled on by, paying no mind to the sweating, red-faced girl in the doorway. Finally, Gardenia gave up, and turned back inside.

    She was met with the sight of a stunned Jasmine, first off. The girl merely stood in the corner, her face a pale shade as if the very life had been drained out of her as well. Gardenia shrugged off this mental comparison; she didn't need any more thoughts of loss of life.

    Volkner now sat up, staring around the room in an obvious confusion. His blue eyes seemed to echo a peculiar sense of knowing. He looked down to see the sight Gardenia focused upon next: the collapsed form of Lisa Cohen, and the leafy green Pokemon called Celebi floating above it.

    "I'm sorry. I can't let you. She has no information in this time: she is a face that will never be identified. For her to die with you three around will mean a certain holdup in the plans; these plans that she sacrificed her life to continue."

    Celebi floated down toward Lisa, and placed a hand on her body. The two of them began to glow a bright blue, Lisa lifting up slightly.

    "Biii!"

    The two of them were enveloped by a swirling blue mass of energy and then disappeared.

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-

    two days later


    The three of them stood outside of Veilstone City, each with solemn looks on their faces. Volkner had gotten the situation explained to him: since that moment, he had been in some sort of state of shock, where he refused to speak. Gardenia found this not surprising in the least.

    "I suppose we don't have much of a choice now, do we?" Gardenia asked. "We're all in this together now."

    Volkner allowed himself a nod. Gardenia saw fierceness in his blue eyes, and she allowed herself a crooked smile.

    Jasmine spoke, stepping forward. "Yes. For Lisa."

    She extended a hand forward.

    Gardenia placed her own on top of Jasmine's. "For Lisa."

    Volkner's own hand seemed to hesitate, but it sent itself forward, resting on top of the others. He spoke for the first time since yesterday, his hands clenching around the other two's, one in each. "Listen, you two. I could give less of a damn about her. This is not for her. This is for Sinnoh. This is for the world of the future. ****, the world sucks now, but with Cyrus at its head, it would suck even more. So this is for the world. I could give less of a damn about this future chick who had a crush on a future me."

    Gardenia felt a pang of anger, her face flushing a bright red. She glared angrily at him. But she knew they were the best words that she was going to get. She let loose a formidable sigh, and eyed the cross they had nailed into the ground. It remained markless. They had not given it a name, nor a corpse to rest beneath it.

    She knew that both sides were right. They were in this too far now to turn back - they could no longer walk away without risking their conscience and possibly other lives. But this wasn't just for this woman from the future. This was for the world.

    This was for Sinnoh.

    Volkner crossed his gloved hands against his chest, pressing both black jacket and green t-shirt against its thin, bony frame. He turned his head to the side, glancing out into the distance.

    Gardenia decided it would be best to speak up as the leader of their ragtag group. "Alright. So we need to come up with a plan. Volkner, do you still have Cyrus registered on your cell?"

    Volkner nodded slowly.

    "Call him then."

    Volkner took out his cell phone, pressed a few numbers, and pressed the device against his ear.


    -.-.-.-.-.-.-

    Cyrus stopped in the middle of his path, reaching into his pocket. "Forgive me, Mars. Seems I've got a call."

    Mars nodded swiftly, her red hair bouncing. "Of course."

    Cyrus flipped his phone open, and pressed it against his ear. "Who might this be?"

    "Volkner," the voice said.

    Cyrus let a thin smile cross his lips. So Volkner had come crawling back to life so soon. He supposed he should have expected it, but it still surprised him a bit. What surprised him more than anything was the fact that Volkner was calling in the first place: after their barfight-esque brawl, he had never expected to hear from him again. "Volkner. How can I help you?"

    There was quiet for a moment. Then Volkner spoke up again, his voice filled with an obvious amount of annoyance. "I want to meet up with you. You want to know why?"

    "Why?"

    "Because nunya. Will we meet or not, Cyrus?"

    Cyrus's smile widened. Same old, same old. "Your attitude is less than desirable, Volkner. You hold a lot of repressed anger toward the world. With what you've been through, that's reasonable."

    "Don't even try the ****in' sales pitch, Cyrus," Volkner groaned.

    "...But with the Galactic Gang, you could use that anger. That hatred toward the current world: me and you could mold it into a desirable place."

    "What the hell did I just say? ****in' A, Cyrus."

    Cyrus's smile faded. "I'm sorry, Volkner, unless you plan on joining with me, I'm too busy for a reunion of old friends." Cyrus removed the phone from his ear, and prepared to flip it shut. Then he heard it.

    "I do want to join you. I just don't want the sales pitch, dumb****. You've given it to me before."

    Cyrus pressed the phone against his ear again. "Where would you like to meet, then?"

    Volkner was silent for a moment, probably thinking about it, before speaking. "Sendoff Spring. It's a route-"

    "I know where Sendoff Spring is, 'dumb****'," Cyrus mused. "Fine. Good choice. We can be uninterrupted there. Wait there. I'll be there in three hours."

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-

    four hours later
    'One would expect Cyrus to be a little more punctual than this,' Volkner mused mentally. His ETA had been about an hour ago. He tapped his foot on the rocky ground impatiently. The area around them was humid. Volkner was sweating profusely. But he could care less about that - he was more worried about getting to Cyrus and then getting the hell out of dodge.

    Gardenia and Jasmine were in hiding, but close by. He supposed it was for the best. He didn't want them interfering in this fight. He wasn't concerned for their safety or anything, he was just concerned that they might get in his way. People tended to do that in more recent days. Get in his way, **** up the plans he had made for himself.

    Just as he was going on a mental tangent on the subject, two faces stepped in sight. The familiar, smiling face of Cyrus and a less familiar, but still recognizable face with red hair hiding the eyes: Marsha, also known as Mars.

    "It's been a while, Volkner," Cyrus said. "I've honestly missed you a bit."

    Volkner jumped, slamming his fist forward. His punch missed, Cyrus moving his head to the side. Volkner had lost his element of surprise and this meant this wasn't going to be an easy brawl. Cyrus thrust his arm forward, delivering a firm punch toward Volkner's gut, winding him. But Volkner wasn't going to let that stop him. He pulled up his knee, pushing it into Cyrus's stomach, allowing both of them some time to fall back and recover.

    Mars, in the mean time, sat back with a bemused smile. "Tag me if need be, Cyrus."

    Cyrus didn't respond to her, instead moving toward Volkner again. He aimed an uppercut toward Volkner's chin, but Volkner hopped back to dodge it, causing Cyrus to stumble out of balance. He used this opportunity to punch Cyrus directly in the nose. Cyrus purposefully lowered his head, taking it in the forehead instead and causing Volkner to feel a pang of pain, drawing his hand back.

    "Heh, not half bad, Cyrus! But you're gonna have to do better than that!"

    "Shut up, Volkner! I knew you weren't telling the truth - I don't have time for distractions like you! I'm going to take you out, here and now!"

    Cyrus ran forward, his elbow extended. He drove it into Volkner's chest, sending Volkner toppling backward. He took the opportunity, falling with him, slamming his fist into Volkner's face. Volkner felt another rush of pain, cartilage giving way. Blood spurted out of his nose, coming into his mouth, but he ignored it. He ignored the pain now going throughout him in steady pulsations. He moved all his strength into his arms and flipped Cyrus over, crashing their foreheads together. Then he rolled off of him and the two of them lay there, recovering from the sudden head injury.

    Cyrus recovered first. He leaped up to his feet, slamming his foot downward toward Volkner's gut. Volkner rolled over to dodge it, and allowed a second kick to come close - only to grab Cyrus's leg with all of his strength and feel him fall. Volkner leaped up to his feet only to fall down again, but on purpose, delivering a firm drive into Cyrus' stomach with his elbow.

    "GUH- m-ma...mars..."

    Volkner looked up to Mars, who grinned from ear to ear. She seemed all to eager to join into the brawl.

    Suddenly, the tension in the area was directed toward an odd galloping sound coming from a short distance. Footfall hitting the ground in a steady rhythm was a peculiar, unnatural sound in these barren areas. They were mostly inhabited by slow Pokemon, Volkner had observed - Graveler, Golem, and of course the flying types who had made nests, like Staravia. This was fast.

    The source was revealed. Stopping in front of Volkner and turning around to face Mars was a Luxray, waving its tail behind it, letting loose a low, guttural growl. Volkner stood up, allowing himself a grin. Carefully, he moved one arm up and wiped away the blood from his mouth, avoiding touching his nose. He imagined it was tender to the touch.

    "I take it you're on my side, Luxray?" Volkner asked, recalling the story Gardenia had told him of the Luxio that had, along with Chuseph, carried him to the hospital. He had gotten some conflicted emotions about this, but he supposed now was not the time to doubt things. He would wonder just what the hell was going on later.

    "...Grrr... Lux! Luxxxx!"

    "I'll take that as a yes."

    Marsha nodded to Volkner. "Alright, fine! You want a battle, you have a battle!"

    "I wouldn't worry about Volkner," Jasmine's voice interfered.

    "Definitely not. I think ya got other problems, girly. Volkner, take care'a Cyrus. Tie 'im up with yer belt or somethin'. We'll render this girly powerless, and off to Veilstone PD we go."

    Volkner nodded. He slipped off his belt, moving toward Cyrus and purposefully driving his knee into his stomach, pinning him down. He tightly looped his belt around Cyrus's arms, and nodded toward Luxray. "Alright, Luxray. Get him onto your back."

    "Stop it!" Mars cried, her eyes wide. She realized just how badly this was going. "You don't have charges on him anyway! He's done nothing wrong!"

    "I'd beg to differ," Jasmine said. "Veilstone Police Department takes assault charges pretty serious, I hear."

    "But he was provoked!"

    "Two witnesses, and the victim can all state otherwise."

    Mars scowled. She removed a Pokeball from her belt, releasing a Bronzor: it instantly let loose a forceful confusion blast. Gardenia, Jasmine and Volkner were all sent sprawling backward, and by the time they got up again, Mars was running. Fast.

    "Gardenia! Jasmine! Stay here with Cyrus!"

    Volkner fell onto Luxray's back, nodding. "Sorry if I'm any heavy. But let's go! We need to chase her!"

    On cue with Volkner's words, Luxray dashed off. Volkner felt the wind rush around him, and he let loose a cry of excitement, partially from the adrenaline rush in his veins, partially from simple excitement of the chase. He saw Mars dive behind a rather nicely sized rock just as Luxray was closing in. He was forced to leap over, making Volkner hold on tight to the Pokemon's fur. She used the time it took for Luxray to turn to jump on top of this rock, using it as leverage to get to higher ground.

    Luxray followed suit, with two simple jumps. Mars continued to run, but it was of no avail: within a few minutes, Volkner had his hand on her shirt, holding her back. He leaped off Luxray, forcing his knee into her back, pinning her down to the ground. He finally removed his jacket and tied its arms tight around her wrists, binding them together.

    "Jesus H. Christ," he murmured. "Did you really think you could get away from a hundred pound electric lion? Oh, an a Luxray."

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-

    The Veilstone Police Department took one look at the bloody form of Volkner, took into mind that it was the word of three versus the word of two, and nodded to him. They would keep these two in a cell 'till a trial date, but they had best keep in the city until then, if they wanted to win the case.

    They had no such intentions. They knew that this was just a stall, to prevent Cyrus from progressing any further while they thought up a more active Galactic-resistance system. It hadn't even been the original plan.

    "You know, you could have gotten killed out there," Gardenia chided. "I'm pissed. We could'a gotten him for so much more than just assault, if you'd GONE BY THE PLAN and tried to leak some sort of important detail out of him."

    "Sorry," Volkner admitted. "I just saw his ugly mug and felt it needed a bit of rearranging."

    Outside, Luxray was waiting for Volkner. The Pokemon nudged his backpack, and oddly enough, Volkner understood. He removed a Pokeball from it, pressed the center switch, and a beam of red light sucked Luxray in. There was no struggle. He clipped the Pokemon's ball to his belt, sighing.

    At least the lummox accepts his role as a tool, Volkner thought.

    Volkner was in the hospital for about three days. The fact that he was back just a day after his initial release amazed hospital staff - either hospitals attracted this boy, or he attracted hospitals. Either way, he was probably going to get himself killed soon if he kept up this schedule, doctors mused.

    Finally, the group of three stood outside the gates of Veilstone City.

    "Ten more days 'til Cyrus's trial. I guess we got some good time. Still wish ya would have followed the goddamn plan, though."

    Volkner grinned with amusement. "As if."

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

    Well, here we go! Chapter 16 of Sinnooh Stories - The Legend of Volkner!

    On a side note, I think my brain is going to start leaking out of my ears now. I've updated three out of my four projects this weekend - one of them twice.

    Jesus Christ, it was fun, though.

    Enjoy!


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  13. #63
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    I told myself I'd stop writing for a week after all I'd done last weekend.

    DAMN IT.

    SINNOH STORIES
    THE LEGEND OF VOLKNER

    Of course Volkner was glad that Cyrus was in jail. He needed some time to heal from his injuries; Cyrus, that was. He grinned at his snark of a thought, stepping forward through the brambles, listening to the sounds of the two girls trotting behind him.

    He wanted him out as soon as possible, though. Volkner had set the plan awry on purpose, because he knew that the conclusion of their fight would be unsatisfactory if they had just... ended it then and there. He wanted to train and make sure that things went just perfectly.

    He could envision the battle in his head. It was a mix of flashing lights and flying fists, of screaming names and curses, of flesh cut, bones broken and blood drawn. It sent his adrenaline flowing through his veins like a bullet train. He knew it was selfish. He knew it was dangerous.

    But guess what? He didn't give a damn.

    CHAPTER 17
    : The Wave of Change

    Pastoria City was a large city which meant the world to Volkner. He felt a longing here that was unfamiliar to him, making him shut his eyes every few moments as he walked through its streets. They were crowded with people, leaving him only a few moments to do so. Memories of home filled his head. The salty smell of the sea.

    The stench of the sailors and their broads; probably cheating on their wives. The stench of death and crime. The city of dreary darkness he oh-so-lovingly called home.

    He shook his head to remove the thoughts. Olivine City was not his home anymore. He would never return. He slipped a hand into his pocket and continued to walk the streets. He nodded toward Jasmine who trotted along beside him.

    “I suppose we can get lunch. Where's this 'so amazing d-duh-diner, Volkner', Jasmine?”

    “Follow me,” she said. She flashed him a quick smile.

    Volkner froze for a moment at the sight of it, before nodding again, keeping on with his strut, following her closely. Gardenia wasn't following them, instead opting to see the sights of Pastoria on her own.

    So the two of them sat down at a street-side store set up in bar fashion, stools set up in front of a bar with a bunch of people working behind it.

    “Hello!” a man said, approaching them. “How can I help you?”

    “Hi,” Jasmine said. “Me and my friend will just have the daily special. On a bit of a budget...”

    “Got'cha!” The man then moved back toward the back of the place, whispering something to the cooks in the back.

    “So, uhm... Volkner. How are you?”
    “Fine,” he muttered.

    “...Oh. Good. Me too. Nice day out, isn't it?”

    “I guess.”

    “...Uhm, yeah. You hungry?”

    “Not really.”

    “...Well, I guess better eat lunch now than starve later!”

    Volkner frowned. “Uh-huh.”

    They sat and waited for their food in silence. Then they ate it in silence as well, up until their last few bites.

    “Tell me something, Jasmine.”

    “Yes, Volkner...?”

    “Do you miss Olivine?”

    “Sometimes... why?”

    Volkner grinned. “I want to ask you the same thing.”

    “Olivine is my home. It's where my family waits. It's where I grew up and want to continue growing up.”

    “...I gotta admit, your optimism can get really annoying, but I'm jealous of it.” Volkner finished the last bites of his food, and waited for Jasmine to do the same.

    “Alright, we're headin' to the Pokemon Center,” Volkner said. “I'm ready to just cash in for the day. Come with me.”

    “But-”

    “Come.”

    “...Fine.”

    The two of them strutted through the streets of Pastoria, until a sudden curve in the path led them to a quiet, damp alleyway. Volkner shut his eyes and did what his heart told him.

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Jasmine felt a surge of panic as Volkner dragged her to the side into an empty alleyway, pinning her against the wall. Her panic was not fearful; it was simply anxiety of what she knew was about to happen. She felt his breath hot against her neck, and moments later his lips against it. She tilted her head back against the wall and exhaled. She let her body's urges take over, drawing Volkner in close to her.

    The two repositioned themselves and allowed their minds to disappear. They slipped their lips over each other and kissed with simple, animal-like, primal passion.

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    The next day passed in a blur for Volkner, leaving his mind in a mushy mess. Jasmine and Volkner avoided each other: Gardenia couldn't seem to get their group together in one piece. Eventually, they all gave up, Jasmine and Gardenia getting their own room at the Pokemon Center for the night and Volkner getting his own.

    He slept the night through with no dreams in his memory. But he woke up sweating, his muscles relaxed and his lower body throbbing. He groaned as he realized what he had done in his sleep.

    “Jesus Christ, the hell is wrong with me?” he mused.

    He got up and took a shower, then dressed himself and headed out the door for breakfast. He slipped past the duo of Jasmine and Gardenia on their way down themselves, rushing to get something to sit outside and eat. He would only reunite with the duo when he absolutely had to.

    But the absolutely had to part came quicker than he wanted it to. He sat outside with an sausage and egg biscuit, nibbling on it, his thoughts elsewhere, when Gardenia stepped outside and sat down next to him. Jasmine followed suit, her face covered with a thin smile and a dim shade of red.

    “So, what're we doin' ta'day,” Gardenia asked. “I hear there's a good place north'a here. Called the Great Marsh. Buildin' some sort of Safari Zone thing there, but there's a certain sector of it that's free for civilian entry. Lots'a wild Pokemon.”

    Volkner nodded. “...I suppose so. A chance to test out this Luxray.”

    Jasmine nodded her agreement, and it was set: they were off to the 'Great Marsh'.

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    The Great Marsh was in no way a misnomer. This place, in the “small” public sector, was gigantic and most definitely a marsh. Volkner had to walk around with his jeans rolled up to his knees, the mud and the bug Pokemon crawling through it getting onto his lower body and enjoying the heck out of the ride. Volkner wasn't quite sharing the feeling.

    But at the end of the day, Volkner supposed, it was a good experience. He continued to trudge through the muck, baring it with clenched teeth.

    He pulled himself out of one such section of swamp, when he was pushed down to the ground again by a sudden, unexpected weight on his back. He felt fur brush up against his neck.

    He swore, feeling his backpack slip out of his grip, swiped by some sort of odd, leathery arm, a stark contrast to the furry body of the creature. He flipped himself over onto the wet grass, staring at the creature that had his backpack in hand.

    “Pom!” it cried. “Aiiiiiya!”

    Volkner recognized it immediately. It was a small creature with a furry, purple body, large eyes staring at him. In its hands was... absolutely nothing. But resting on its tail, which was a spitting image of a gloved human being's hand, was his backpack.

    The creature called Aipom stuck his tongue out at him, closing all of his tail-fingers around one strap of Volkner's back backpack except for its middle one. Volkner scowled. Smart little ape. He reached down to his belt, unhooking one of the Pokeballs. He didn't look to see which. He didn't care.

    “Let's go!” he exclaimed, tossing his arm forward, pressing his thumb against the release switch of the Pokeball. He felt it open in his hand, sending forth a flash of white light, which materialized into the form of Jolteon on the ground.

    “Joool!” the Pokemon cried, his fur puffing out. He growled lightly at the Aipom in front.

    “Jolteon, careful,” Volkner warned, “it's a rough terrain around here, and our ape pal seems to be an expert at navigating it. Hit it with a Pin Missile!”

    Jolteon's fur puffed out again, glowing a shade of lime green. Some thin missiles of hardened fur burst forward, pelting Aipom's chest. The Pokemon swiped the needles with his stub of an arm, then narrowed his eyes when he realized that it had broken the needles off; part of them still stuck in his chest.

    He leaped forward, swiping his tail-hand toward Jolteon. Jolteon was hit with a faceful of books, glass vials that shattered upon being hit so forcefully, and other assorted items. He fell to the ground, skidding a few inches before picking himself up on already-shaky legs.

    “Alright,” Volkner said. He frowned, realizing that the potions in his backpack had broken – which probably stained the books he had recently picked up as well. “God damn it! Let's hit it with a Thundershock!”

    Jolteon's fur puffed out again, sending forward a small burst of electrical power that struck Aipom directly. Volkner saw a few singed hairs, filling the place with an acrid smell just beneath the normally musky air of the marsh, but Aipom was otherwise unaffected, it seemed.

    “Aiyyyyaa! Poooh!”

    The Aipom then slammed Volkner's backpack. It fell into the marsh, and Volkner watched it sink with horror. He rushed over toward it, only to catch it too late – he moved too slowly through the marsh and it had sunk beyond his reach. But he did manage to snag one thing oddly buried in the mud – circular and firm. He pulled it out, and didn't even bother to look at it, figuring it to be a baseball or something. He tossed it toward the Aipom in his rage, then watched as the Pokeball he had just thrown, covered in mud and leaf fragments, bonked Aipom upside the head and sucked him in with a bright red light. The ball shook furiously, but did not open. It finally shut firmly and sat still.

    He had just caught the little monkey bastard.

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Volkner buried his face in his hands as the laughter from Gardenia roared through the room when he told his story. Even Jasmine giggled softly, a hand over her mouth to hide it, but to no avail.

    “...Well, at least we all caught somethin', eh?” Gardenia mused. “I got a Carnivine, ya got an Aipom and Jasmine caught 'er Quagsire. Pretty bountiful harvest today. Now the only problem is gonna be getting' the money to buy you a new bag...”

    Since Mana-- no, Lisa-- had left them, they had their source of major money taken away. They were left rather poor, barely enough money left to buy themselves the clothes and books and things they needed.

    “Did someone say, 'Now the only problem is gonna be getting' the money, bla, bla...'?!” a voice cried.

    A man stepped in front of them, a wide smile on his face. His blue eyes pierced into Volkner, giving off mixed messages of intimidation and friendliness.

    “Hi,” the man said, “name's Carl.” He reached up, running a hand through his slick blue hair. “Carl Winston. But my friends call me Crasher Wake – and it seems if you need money, you're my friends.”

    Crasher Wake had a large figure, but with his droopy shirt and pants on, Volkner couldn't tell whether this was made of fat or muscle.

    Gardenia gave off a shaky smile, extending her small hand to Wake's. His swallowed hers, and Gardenia drew hers back quickly and defensively. “Hi. I'm Gardenia... this here,” she said, pointing to Jasmine, “is my friend Volkner, and this here...” Now she pointed to Volkner. “...is my friend Jasmine.”

    “...She means I'm Volkner,” Volkner said, his voice filled with mild amusement. “And the other girl is Jasmine.”

    “Nice to meet you beautiful young ladies – and handsome young man, of course.”

    Gardenia nodded, her face a bright red.

    “Now you three – from your belts, well, at least you and Mr. Volkner, Ms. Gardenia, are Pokemon are trainers. Pretty easy to tell. I am too! And I'm one of the best. I used to sail with the navy, and have fought in World War II. I'll tell you two what. I'm holdin' a match later on tomorrow... for amusement! If you guys can beat me, I'll provide you with the money. This means both of you! Or all three of you, if Ms. Jasmine is a trainer as well-”

    “I am,” Jasmine said.

    “Then that settles it! If all three of you can beat me in a one-on-one match, then I'll pay you more than enough. A thousand Pokedollars.”

    Volkner's jaw dropped. This man seemed to be a living second chance, having survived through World War Two: perhaps one of the harshest wars in the world's history, ending in the destruction of, as well as the cut-off of trade and restriction in visitation to, the Unova region. That had been forty years ago, though, and now one just required the money.

    “Heh,” Wake laughed. “I understand it's a bit shocking. But we at PastoCo, the world's largest entertainment battle corporation, are willing to do a lot for those who need it!”

    Volkner spoke up. “We'll do it.”

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    So the rest of the day was spent in training. Volkner on his own, while Gardenia and Jasmine spent their time practice battling each other.

    The next day came before they knew it.

    Thanks to Crasher Wake's directions, they found the building in which their match was scheduled pretty easy, that night. They stepped inside with the attitude, the smiles and the simple hope that they could win.
    Last edited by D. Scott; 31st March 2011 at 8:25 PM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  14. #64
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    Chapter sixteen review:

    two days later
    It's usually better to write a transition sentence rather than using it as a “scene break” for the most part. It kind of looks like lazy writing and it doesn't take that long to write it as a complete sentence that works with the story rather than standing outside of it.

    I think you handled Gardenia very well in the first scene of this chapter with her inability to really understand what's going on but desperately trying to fix the situation for the sake of herself and her friends. That was a long sentence. Either way, it wasn't so much sad – I think everyone is too shocked right now to be sad – as it was empty, which is fitting for how the characters are reacting to everything going on.

    Volkner allowed himself a nod. Gardenia saw fierceness in his blue eyes, and she allowed herself a crooked smile.
    Is there a reason why you're stressing the color of Volkner's eyes? You said they were blue in the first scene, too.

    ... his hands clenching around the other two's, one in each.
    I don't think you need the apostrophe for “twos” but I'm not positive on that. Apostrophes indicate possession, so you're saying “two” is possessing something when it's just acting as a number. I think. I'm not sure for once. D: Anyway, Volkner is such an ***. Haha.

    But this wasn't just for this woman from the future. This was for the world.

    This was for Sinnoh.
    Personally, I'd reverse it so “This was for the world” is the last statement because we go from small, to big, back to small, albeit bigger than the first object.

    Volkner crossed his gloved hands against his chest, pressing both black jacket and green t-shirt against its thin, bony frame.
    His. This is a little descriptive heavy and a little awkward because of it. I can tell you're just describing for the sake of describing. ;P

    Volkner took out his cell phone, pressed a few numbers, and pressed the device against his ear.
    You have “pressed” twice here.

    four hours later
    Same comment on the “two days later” transition.

    Mars, in the mean time, sat back with a bemused smile. "Tag me if need be, Cyrus."
    Bemused is a weird choice (bemused not to be confused with amused. Maybe you can see the dorky grammar/vocab joke in that line).

    I vaguely wonder how Volkner is able to take this much damage and is able to recover so fast sometimes. Well, I guess the whole Lisa healing thang from earlier helped ... I do enjoy Volkner sticks true to his mantra: let your fists do the talking.

    Marsha nodded to Volkner. "Alright, fine! You want a battle, you have a battle!"
    Don't know if this is an error, but did you mean to call her Marsha here?

    "Jesus H. Christ," he murmured. "Did you really think you could get away from a hundred pound electric lion? Oh, an a Luxray."
    Haha, nice. =P

    I'm iffy on how fast you handle evolutions in this story and the fact that Volkner, despite being a new trainer, has the ability to wield that much power, let alone that power obeying him so easily and quickly. Chuseph is one thing seeing as it is the family pokemon, but then you have some other power-houses that pretty much don't question his sometimes tasteless style of battle and his overall attitude. Even if the Luxio/Luxray character agreed to help Chuseph since his clan lost the fight, I'm not sure why he would just willingly join Volkner, especially since that clan seemed very anti-human to begin with. We haven't seen much of Elekid (or is it an Electabuzz now?) so it's hard to say if he would just go with Volkner. Same goes with Eevee/Jolteon who is still a baby and is probably sensitive to certain aggressive attitudes.

    While I understand this isn't exactly a journey story, nor do I think it's going to be the length of a journey fic, I'm not sure why you're rushing through all the evolutions. It's becoming slightly unbelievable in a way for the reasons above but it also feels rushed. You're sort of heading toward Middling Sue territory with how Volkner is getting all these powerful pokemon and you rushing to explain it through some sort of plausible coincidence. Volkner's life is complicated, yes, but it seems that you're pushing the pokemon into the background where they merely exist to help another plot move along rather than being a side plot point that will develop Volkner in a different way. (Yay long sentence again.) It's not so much irritating that Volkner is irritating in the way he thinks about pokemon, it's more that the pokemon are pretty flat and one-dimensional so far.



    Chapter seventeen:

    The scene with Jasmine and Volkner was a little creepy (the choice of imagery of an alleyway along with Jasmine panicking and the fact that he had to pin her left me feeling ... really off), though I did like the aftermath of it with Volkner avoiding her like the plague. I know Volkner isn't, and probably will never be, a romantic but ... dunno.

    To touch back on my review for chapter sixteen, when would Volkner have time to train Jolteon? It's still young (and newly evolved) but you don't really treat it as such. It kind of just ... knows moves already. The way Volkner caught the Aipom was amusing, though. I like the way you end your sections. =P

    Your characters kind of run into money through coincidence. Well, two out of three times that's how they got money, and a hefty dose of it. I guess it's so you can focus on the main parts of this story and not worry about their monetary issues but ... they don't really struggle. I mean, they suffer through different means, but as far as “normal” struggles they don't really have to go through that sort of thing.

    Either way, it was nice that this chapter was a little slower than the others; it was relaxing in a way, especially compared to the big ole brawl in the last chapter. Also an interesting development between Jasmine and Volkner.
    Last edited by Breezy; 3rd April 2011 at 9:13 AM.

  15. #65
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    Author's Note: I am going to go back some day and definitely change the surnames of the four main characters: Volkner Sune, Gardenia Florence (no relation to Lily Florence!), Jasmine Steele, and Cyrus Luna.Note, this is when I get off my *** and do it. For now, you still deal with Denzi, Mikan, whatever Gardenia's surname was, and Akagi, in the earlier chapters. I will be using the more legitimate ones from here on out.


    sinnoh stories
    the legend of volkner


    Volkner supposed that one of the better points of his day was when he entered the arena and he was met by press members -- he was recognized from the Veilstone City incident, as well as from previous incidents such as the Windworks situation.

    "Sir, how are you feeling? Up to battling already?"

    "I'm a warrior at heart," Volkner had responded smugly. "If I had to walk into this place with a limp, I would have."

    "But you did, sir," one fo the reporters said dryly, noting the slight limp in which Volkner had walked in with, his body still showing mild signs of damage from his fight with Cyrus. "What happened?"

    Volkner merely smiled knowingly, nodding. "Of course I did. Now get out of my way. I need to get some battling done."

    Chapter 18: Pastoria City Smackdown


    Backstage, the trio of Volkner, Jasmine and Gardenia were a small do in the sea of competitor for the night's event. People were filling the place to the brim, crushing the three into a corner. Volkner sighed with annoyance. He supposed he could stand it though, for his fifteen minutes of fame.


    Ten minutes later, the first match was called. A boring match between two boring trainers with boring Pokemon, Volkner observed. They had no skill, but the one with the stronger Pokemon won by a small margin. They had a short five minute break, before the next match was called:

    "Our next match is: PArticipant 248, Volkner, versus Participant 027, Jeff! Will the two participants please head out to the ring?"



    Mach after match passed: Volkner, Gardenia and Jasmine pushing through the amateurs they fought with ease. Some of them easier than others of course -- they were newbies in the early rounds, people who wanted a good fight for experience, but the three more reasoned fighters were able to get through.

    But of course, they weren't the only good guys in this pit. Good not necessarily meaning caable a winning, in some cases: but potentially capable. If it weren't for some of their more... interesting handicaps.

    “Next up is... Participant 250, Gardenia, versus Participant 306, Tom! Will the two participants please come out the ring?”

    Nodding toward Volkner and Jasmine, Gardenia stepped out through the crowd, rushing into the ring.

    She was met with the sight of a burly man. His face was grim and ugly, rugged with five o'clock shadow. His nose was a thin shade of red, his eyes a bright blue. Amongst the stench of sweat and food, blood and drinks, Gardenia could sniff out the alcohol on his breath.

    “Hello!” the man exclaimed. “My'sa namey Tom!”

    “...Hi,” Gardenia said.

    “You'sa Gardenia, right?”

    “...Right.”

    “We has Pokeymons bottle!”

    “Battle, Tom.”

    “That'sa what I says! Gosh, you'sa stooped, girly, Garfield...”

    “...My name is Gardenia, Tom,” Gardenia deadpanned. She moved her hand down toward her belt, unhooking one of her Pokeballs and tossing her arm forward. In a flash of bright white light, a Pokemon with a large green head and bugged out eyes and a twisted green bottom that it balanced itself on. “C'mon out, Carnivine!”

    “Carnival!” Tom screeched. “Demunny! AGHGHH!” He stuck his hands into the pockets of his dirty brown khakis and pulled out two Pokeballs. He tossed them both onto the floor. They sat there, but Tom ran forward, kicking them. His feet connected to the release switch of each one, but it meant his feet fell out from underneath him. He fell flat on his ***. In return, though, in twin flashes of light, two bear-like Pokemon with red bottoms and pale chests, spots of red in the seemingly random spots in the midst of the pale, tan chests and head. Their eyes did not stay still, constantly swirling around as if drunken.

    “Fine,” she murmured. “You want a double battle? Let's go then, Turtwig!”

    Tom picked himself up. “Tommy just had drinkies!” he proclaimed proudly. “He will win tourny for big monies! Treats tooooo EBERYON!”

    “Who's Eberyon, Tom?” Gardenia asked. She was clearly somewhat amused.

    “EBERYONE is you! And me! And EVERYONE around! IZZZZ EVERYONE!”

    “...I see,” she said. She pointed forward, toward the two Pokemon she recognized as Spinda. “Turtwig, Carnivine – Carnivine, use Vine Whip and hold the Spinda on the right, then Turtwig, you use Razor Leaf and cut it into ribbons!”

    “Spinydah 'n' Spineti!” Tom cried. “Try 'zat Teeter Dance! Go, goooo!”

    The smell of alcohol, Gardenia realized, had increased twofold when the two Spinda got onto the field. Were they drunk too?

    The two Spinda began to dance uncontrollably, weaving and winding miraculously past both of Gardenia's planned attacks. Not a single Razor Leaf hit, and the Vine Whips could not connect. She stood there, mouth wide open, awestruck.

    “Awwwwright! Dojiiied, dodgieddd, dodgied! Go Spinydah! Go Spinetis! Yaahhh!” Tom cheered. “Now, Spinydah! Use dat Copy.. copy... uh...”

    He stopped for a moment, pondering what the move was called, it seemed. Gardenia slapped her palm against her face, then realized that this was a perfect opportunity for a surprise attack.

    “Turtwig! Curse! Then use Tackle on... one of them! Carnivine, use Bind on the one that Turtwig doesn't hit!”

    Turtwig shut his eyes, a light blue aura surrounding him.

    At this point, Tom recalled the name. “Copy Kitty!” he exclaimed. “I mean cats! Yessy sirrs, Copppppy Cats, Spinydah! On the turtle! DEMUNNYS! It's goin' down isn't it Spineti? Bye-bye demunnys wit da PSYBEAMS! Ha ha!”

    Spineti began to dance an odd dance, much odder than the one before – limbs flailing out in spastic patterns, guttural growls coming from low in her throat... and then she fell over, totally unconscious. Moments later, Spinydah followed.

    The referee called out. “...Okay, then! It seems Gardenia wins by default!”

    Tom scowled. “BUT MY DRINKIES MONEY! I wanna get my drinkies and watch things go FLASH on fire!... Tommy likes fire. Tommy tom tom tom, likesies his fires, yep. Burn, babby burn, discooo infreno!”

    Completely content, Tom walked off stage.

    Ten minutes later, Volkner looked up at the intercom, nodding as he heard his name being called. He walked outi nto the arena, looking at his opponent with odd amusement: some other amateur he assumed. His group wasn't the most experienced group of fighters in the world, but some of these guys were obviously total newbies to the field just looking for their fifteen minutes of fame. At least his group had some experience under their belts.

    "Hiya!" his opponent said. She was a girl, obviously barely above the age of eight or nine. Her hair was short, just down to her ears, tucked neatly behind them. Her eyes were a bit above the average size, their adorable blue depths storing at Volkner. She was dressed in a simple, purle dress with a pair of buckled shoes. "MY name's Casey!"

    "Volkner," Volkner muttered. Really? A kid? They WANTEd to make this easy for him. "Let's get this started."

    "Okay!" She tossed her arm forward, her POkeball opening up, the white light that burst forth from inside mateiralizing into..


    Volkner's eyes widened with shock, his jaw loosening, his mouth a gaping "O" of surrise. He recognized the Pokemon that came out very easily. It was a lummox of a Pokemon, standing in at a firm six feet, give or take a few inches. Its skin was a shining, metallic red, with a pronounced silver abdomen and buzzing metallic wings on its back.

    It was the evolution of the one Pokemon in the world that feared... Scizor.

    "Son of a *****!" Volkner thought.

    "Bullet Punch, Scizzy-"

    "At least give me a chance to release my Pokemon!" Volkner screamed.

    Csy tilted her head to the side quizzically, as if asking, "Why". But she was giving him time. Devil toddler, he mused.

    He released Electabuzz, considering him to be the most ferocious fighter. Electabuzz turned to face Volkner, nodding slowly.

    "Okay, then! Bullet Punch, Scizzy!"

    The Scizor burst forward at speeds past ones Volkner had ever seen, dashing in front of Electabuzz and punching him square in the ja with one closed pincer, before moving backward. Electabuzz fell over, blood now trickling from broken skin on his face.

    He stood up and glanced toward Volkner.

    Volker looked unraged. "Jesus Christ, you couldn't see that coming?! C'mon, you stupid thing, counteract with a Thunder Punch!"

    he as nervous. He had a right to be, considering his past experiences with the Scyther family. But Electabuzz did not eem pleased by this treatment. He ran toward the opposing Scizor, barred his cheek like a target and slammed it right into his claw.

    Volkner stood there, awestruck. The little bastard was throwing the match. He ran up to Electabuzz and grabbed him by he arm, only to have the free hand slam into his stomach. Vlkner cried out in pain. Certain injuries were still not healed; and Volkner knew now that a match wasn't the only thing Electabuzz was afraid to throw

    He let the Pokemon's arm loose. "Oh, god damn it!"

    "Language, Mister."

    "SHUT UP!" Volkner roared. His mind was a blur of rage, nervousness and plain anxiety. He was going to be embarrased in front of the huge crowd, solely because his Pokemon refused to accept a little drill-Sergeant treatment. he reached into his pocket, pulling out Electabuzz's Pokeball and preparing to return him.

    "Oh oh," his oponent oh-so-kindly reminded him, "if you read the rules, you know that it's one Pokemon only. Unless you want a double battle... but the Pokemon you send out is the Pokemon you use." She seemed smug, Volkner realized suddenly. He wanted to kick her around a little. But he supposed that being arrested for assaulting a little girl would put a dent in his plans.

    "Fine," Volkner said, sticking the Pokeball back into his belt, "but at least let me have a moment to talk to my Pokemon."

    She sighed, a snide grin crossing her lips. "Fine."

    Volkner knelt in front of Electabuzz, a fierce look in his eyes. "C'mon, you little ****er. LEt's talk. OVer in the corner." He stood up and walked over to the corner. Electabuzz, with a bit of obvious reluctance, sauntered along after him.

    Volkner fell to his knees in front of Electabuzz, making direct eye contact. He did not flinch at all despite the fiercely defiant gaze. He spoke slowly, carefully, choosing his words the best he could manage. With his head the way it was working at the moment, fuzzy and screaming out obscenities, it was difficult. "What's your problem?"

    Of course, Electabuzz didn't respond with words: but in his own little language, a language of grunts and fists. He stuck out a finger, pointing at Volkner, before delivering another firm unch toard his gut. Volkner beared it with gritted teeth. "So I'm your problem?"

    Electabuzz nodded.

    "WHAT about me is your problem?"

    Eelctabuzz wasn't a stupid Pokemon He was a little vilent sure, but he wasn't a barbarian. He made his fiercest possible face, turning toward the opposite way. He barked out, in what Volkner interpreted as an authoritative vice. His own. It was harsh, making Volkner flinch. Then Electabuzz turned back, making an innocent, sad and scared impression.

    Volkner wasn't stupid either. Electabuzz was upset about his harsh attitude. He shut his eyes, drawing in a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'll tell you what... you win this match for me, I buy you a big dinner with the payout. I'll even think up a little pet name for you -- like Chuseph's."

    "Ten more seconds of time allowed!" the referee cried. "Challenger Volkner will be disqualified if more time is used!"

    Electabuzz nodded and ran back toward the center of the ring. Volkner gave up a thumbs up to no one in articular, then followed Electabuzz.

    "You finally ready?" Casey asked.

    Volkner nodded. "Let's go, girly!"

    "Scizzy, use Slash!"

    "Electabuzz, don't let it hit you! Counterat with whatever you can!" Volkner cried, and watched as Electabuzz lowered himself to the ground, pushing himself forward and performing a low, sliding kick. Scizzy the Scizor leaped into the air to avoid the attack, pening one of his pincers and pushing it downward: with visciousness in his eyes that made Volkner convinced that its intent wasn't to win, but to eviscerate Electabuzz. He felt his heart skip a beat, his muscles tensing up, but then felt them loosen as Elecabuzz reached up, grabbing the steely red arm, and slamming him to the side. Then, relentlessly, he lifted up Scizzy once again, slamming him toward the other side: he repeated this arc-like motion three more times before finally letting go, and stood over the unconscious steel-tye, panting heavily. He walked up to VOlkner, then offered his hand.

    Volkner, utterly shocked, took it and shook it: then grunted as a fist was delivered to his stomach.. He was feeling like he was going to robably going to need a doctor by the time this little tournament was over. Or maybe he would ust buy that promised dinner and eat a little of it himself. he didn't know: everything around him was sort of confusing right now.


    Jasmine Steele walked onto the field, a strong conviction in her heart. This was an odd feeling to her, but she had been feeling quite odd recently anyway. Ever since she and Volkner... Well, he was cute. She had to admit that. He was a stark contrast to her timid, shy personality; he being a loud, obnoxious jerk. But every girl had a bad boy phase, she supposed, so there was not anything wrong with her having feelings for him. Was there?She shook herself out of this thoughtful trance, and glanced at her opponent. A sir Alexander, the announcement had said. He was tall, his eyes an intimidating force, keeping her from direct eye contact. He had a head of blue hair, neatly combed downward, though she had a feeling that if she walked up to him and pressed it upward, it would bounce into a u-shaped spectacle. He wore a tight silver vest, with a pair of jeans beneath that.

    "Alexander Columbia," the man said.

    His words were fast, like that of an auctioneer's, Jasmine mused. Perhaps he just wanted to get this over with. She did not blame him."Jasmine Steele," she responded.

    "Whenever the participants are ready, they may begin!" the announcer said.

    Jasmine looked at Alexander, nodding politely. "Whenever you're ready."

    The man instantly flashed his hand forward, releasing a Pokemon from its circular, half-red half-white hiding place. She recognized it as an Alakazam, standing tall with pointy ears, a mustache-like projection of hairs coming from its narrow snout, the rest of its body thin: which was not a surprise. Alakazam were not known for their physical powers, but for their mental ones. She prepared to remove her own Pokeball, when her arm refused to move. She tried to move her other one, only to find that paralyzed too: a strike of fear hit her. Perhaps she was having some sort of stroke? She tried to speak, and found that capability, while supressed to a mere whisper, still functional. "...I c...can't..."

    A voice entered her head. "We're getting you out of here, Miss Steele. Alakazam, drop er."


    A sudden pulsation of panic rushed through her body, her muscles staying in a constant contracted state, her nerves being shot down one-by-one, each strike being an agonizing wave of pain. She didn't know what was going on. She could not think straight. Her mind was a melting mush at the hands of her torturer, and she felt consciousness slowly begin to slip away."We're losing her, Alakazam. Keep her conscious. Come, Jasmine Steele- time for you to introduce me to a friend of yours..."

    Suddenly, she was brought back to this tortured reality. She cursed it. She felt herself be picked up by the arm, and within moments, the sights of the surrounding arena disappeared: she was instead met by the sights of a shocked, wide-eyed Volkner Sune.

    Volkner stared at Jasmine for what felt like hours. He saw her face contorted in pain, her limbs limp, her skin a pale, sweaty white. She was pleading with him with her eyes; after a while, his glance moved up to the person holding her. He recognized it in an instant."My Alakzam is quite proficient with torture, wouldn't you think so, boy?"

    "Let... her go..." Volkner whispered. His anger was rising to the point of where he felt like he was going to burst. He had her. He really did. He wondered briefly why he was even here, but he supposed that didn't matter to hm- he was here, and holding Jasmine, so he was going to die. "Jupiter, if you don't let her go right this ****in' minute, I will wring your neck!"


    Author's Note (end): Boo. Yes, I wrote myself into something I really didn't want to write, so I changed it up a bit to come out with this! Any questions as to motives for this will come next chapter. For now, I leave you all on a cliff hanger. MUAHAHA. :3


    EDIT: Oh my god, I almost totally forgot. Tom is a character used with permission created by bobandbill from his story, "The Retelling of Pokemon Colosseum".
    Last edited by D. Scott; 25th May 2011 at 9:45 PM.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  16. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by IanDonyer View Post
    Author's Note: I am going to go back some day and definitely change the surnames of the four main characters: Volkner Sune, Gardenia Florence (no relation to Lily Florence!), Jasmine Steele, and Cyrus Luna.Note, this is when I get off my *** and do it. For now, you still deal with Denzi, Mikan, whatever Gardenia's surname was, and Akagi, in the earlier chapters. I will be using the more legitimate ones from here on out.
    Search and replace function on the word processor is my best friend. ;P

    Anyway, it's been a while since I've reviewed (and since you've updated haha), so let's see how rusty I am. I honestly can't remember what happened last chapter, but I'm sure it'll come back to me once I read. If not, well ... guess I have to scroll up.

    Volkner supposed that one of the better points of his day was when he entered the arena and he was met by press members -- he was recognized from the Veilstone City incident, as well as from previous incidents such as the Windworks situation.
    I'm actually finding this a little awkward, specifically the first phrase before your dash. You might want to get rid of the "he" in bold so it matches the previous "was" clause and keeps the flow consistent.

    Okay, now I think I vaguely remember what happened. There was a fight with Cyrus (I can safely assume there's always some sort of Volkner vs ??? fight, though ;P) and there's suppose to be some big ole battle for money or something.

    Backstage, the trio of Volkner, Jasmine and Gardenia were a small do in the sea of competitor for the night's event.
    I'm not sure what you mean by "small do." Also, writing "the trio" and listing their names is repetitive. Either have one or the other.

    They had a short five minute break, before the next match was called:
    No need for the comma.

    "Our next match is: PArticipant 248, Volkner,
    Accidentally capitalization in "participant."

    Mach after match passed:
    "Match" instead of "mach."

    Volkner, Gardenia and Jasmine pushing through the amateurs they fought with ease.
    Pushed.

    Some of them easier than others of course -- they were newbies in the early rounds, people who wanted a good fight for experience, but the three more reasoned fighters were able to get through.
    The "they" in bold is kind of confusing -- I'm not sure who you're referring to with it. I want to say you typoed it for "there" but I'm not positive on that. Either way, it could use some clarification.

    But of course, they weren't the only good guys in this pit. Good not necessarily meaning caable a winning, in some cases: but potentially capable. If it weren't for some of their more... interesting handicaps.
    Capable at. This entire quote is a bit messy. I kind of get what you're doing, but all the mashing together is making the narrative read awkwardly here.

    “Next up is... Participant 250, Gardenia, versus Participant 306, Tom! Will the two participants please come out the ring?”
    You're missing a word in the section in bold. Probably "to."

    Nodding toward Volkner and Jasmine, Gardenia stepped out through the crowd, rushing into the ring.

    She was met with the sight of a burly man. His face was grim and ugly, rugged with five o'clock shadow. His nose was a thin shade of red, his eyes a bright blue. Amongst the stench of sweat and food, blood and drinks, Gardenia could sniff out the alcohol on his breath.
    No need to make these into two paragraphs.

    “Hello!” the man exclaimed. “My'sa namey Tom!”

    “...Hi,” Gardenia said.

    “You'sa Gardenia, right?”

    “...Right.”

    “We has Pokeymons bottle!”

    “Battle, Tom.”

    “That'sa what I says! Gosh, you'sa stooped, girly, Garfield...”
    Interesting drunk dialect. XP I'm kind of wondering what his sober dialect sounds like (I kind of got a stereotypical Italian/Mario vibe from it, haha).

    In a flash of bright white light, a Pokemon with a large green head and bugged out eyes and a twisted green bottom that it balanced itself on.
    Incomplete thought. You might want to consider putting a hyphen between "bugged" and "out." With that said, I'm not really getting much from your description here. You don't have to painfully describe pokemon (the ole "describe pokemon as if your reader doesn't know what a pogeymons is" is kind of silly because it's unlikely that a non-pokemon fan is going to read your story anyway), but you should describe when necessary and when it works within your plot. When you info dump pokemon detail, it's more likely you'll be confusing your reader more than clarifying it.

    He stuck his hands into the pockets of his dirty brown khakis and pulled out two Pokeballs. He tossed them both onto the floor. They sat there, but Tom ran forward, kicking them. His feet connected to the release switch of each one, but it meant his feet fell out from underneath him. He fell flat on his ***.
    This section is a little choppy. You might want to considering combining a few of the shorter sentences, like the second one could work well with the first one. The read also might be choppy because you're listing a sequence of actions that reads more as "telling" rather than "showing."

    In return, though, in twin flashes of light, two bear-like Pokemon with red bottoms and pale chests, spots of red in the seemingly random spots in the midst of the pale, tan chests and head.
    The double "in" makes the beginning awkward to read. This sentence is also incomplete. You describe them but don't describe what they did after the flashes of light.

    He walked outi nto the arena,
    Out into.

    She was a girl, obviously barely above the age of eight or nine. Her hair was short, just down to her ears, tucked neatly behind them. Her eyes were a bit above the average size, their adorable blue depths storing at Volkner. She was dressed in a simple, purle dress with a pair of buckled shoes. "MY name's Casey!"
    Staring. Purple. My.

    The problem with "average" descriptors is that it's completely arbitrary; what may be average to you may not be average to me, or another reader, or another reader. If you really need to describe eye shape, you're better off giving a specific eye shape (almond, deep set, down turned ... they all describe a bit better than "a bit above average").

    They WANTEd to make this easy for him.
    Missed capitalizing the "d."

    "Okay!" She tossed her arm forward, her POkeball opening up, the white light that burst forth from inside mateiralizing into..
    Miscapitalized "pokeball." And "materializing."

    Volkner's eyes widened with shock, his jaw loosening, his mouth a gaping "O" of surrise.
    Surprise. Ian, I have to ask this honestly: Did you run spellcheck or proofread this before posting? =X Because there are a lot more errors this time around than what I'm used to with your stories. I usually don't have to point anything out grammatically.

    /end lecture =P

    He recognized the Pokemon that came out very easily.
    The section in bold is possibly a misplace modifier. What you're saying is that the pokemon came out easily when I think you meant that Volkner easily recognized the pokemon that came out. Possibly.

    It was a lummox of a Pokemon, standing in at a firm six feet, give or take a few inches.
    Lummox is "a clumsy, stupid person" so what you're saying is that the scizor is a clumsy, stupid person of a pokemon ... which, dunno, might make sense given scizor's body structure, haha. Either way, the word kind of sticks out oddly.

    Don't combine "firm" with "give or take a few ..." as that's not firm.

    It was the evolution of the one Pokemon in the world that feared... Scizor.
    But oh snap to this. =P

    The Scizor burst forward at speeds past ones Volkner had ever seen, dashing in front of Electabuzz and punching him square in the ja with one closed pincer
    Jaw.

    He stood up and glanced toward Volkner.

    Volker looked unraged.
    I'm preeety sure that's not a word. ;P Do you mean "unfazed?" by chance? I do like Volkner's dialogue in pair with the above, though. Even if what he said was totally asshattish, it fit the character you created for him and how he seems to punish his pokemon for getting hurt rather than caring about them getting hurt.

    But Electabuzz did not eem pleased by this treatment.
    Seem.

    Vlkner cried out in pain.
    Volkner. ;P That Electabuzz is awesome, btw. I like its personality and how it won't stand for bs, even from its trainer.

    Certain injuries were still not healed; and Volkner knew now that a match wasn't the only thing Electabuzz was afraid to throw
    Replace the semicolon with a comma. Also liked the pun here. =P

    He was going to be embarrased in front of the huge crowd,
    Embarrassed.

    he reached into his pocket
    You missed capitalizing "He" here.

    "Oh oh," his oponent oh-so-kindly reminded him,
    Opponent.

    She seemed smug, Volkner realized suddenly. He wanted to kick her around a little. But he supposed that being arrested for assaulting a little girl would put a dent in his plans.
    Ha, love Volkner's thoughts here. =P

    LEt's talk. OVer in the corner."
    Capitalization errors.

    He stuck out a finger, pointing at Volkner, before delivering another firm unch toard his gut. Volkner beared it with gritted teeth. "So I'm your problem?"
    Punch, toward, bared.

    Eelctabuzz wasn't a stupid Pokemon He was a little vilent sure, but he wasn't a barbarian.
    Electabuzz. Violent.

    He made his fiercest possible face, turning toward the opposite way. He barked out, in what Volkner interpreted as an authoritative vice.
    Voice.

    Volkner gave up a thumbs up to no one in articular, then followed Electabuzz.
    Particular.

    "Electabuzz, don't let it hit you! Counterat with whatever you can!"
    Counteract.

    Scizzy the Scizor leaped into the air to avoid the attack, pening one of his pincers and pushing it downward: with visciousness in his eyes that made Volkner convinced that its intent wasn't to win, but to eviscerate Electabuzz.
    Viciousness. I'm not sure what word you meant with "pening." Pinning? Dunno.

    He walked up to VOlkner, then offered his hand.
    I'll let you guess the problem. =P

    He was feeling like he was going to robably going to need a doctor by the time this little tournament was over. Or maybe he would ust buy that promised dinner and eat a little of it himself. he didn't know: everything around him was sort of confusing right now.
    Probably. Just. Capitalize the "he" in bold.

    I like Jasmine's little narrative thought at the beginning of her scene. =) Was cute and simple.

    Perhaps she was having some sort of stroke? She tried to speak, and found that capability, while supressed to a mere whisper, still functional. "...I c...can't..."
    Suppressed. But oh noes, what's going on? D:

    T'was a nice cliffhanger; it definitely broke you out of the monotony you had with the battles (which I am going to elaborate on, no worries ;P). It was vague but in a good way that's making me wonder wtf just happened.

    My problem with this chapter was particularly your first scene with Gardenia. I could tell you were eager to use BNB's character, and you developed his dialect nicely. But because of that, you seemed to have forgotten about Gardenia and her reactions to it. With Volkner, it felt a little personally because you had his thought narrative to break up all the battle descriptions, and you could definitely tell that we were reading the battle from Volkner's perspective. The same kind of goes with Jasmine's scene. I suppose it was a bit easier with her because her scene wasn't actually a battle. But with Gardenia's scene, I didn't really get a sense of her; you didn't really narrate her reactions to Tom's drunken ***. You could kind of tell that she was slightly amused with Tom's rambling, but that was only contained in the dialogue and not within her expressions or personal narrative. Because of that, her scene was kind of stagnant and kind of flat, even with Tom's character; it just read as a series of descriptors.

    If you couldn't tell, this chapter had a whole mess of errors. Don't forget to proofread. ;P I will be eagerly awaiting the next chapter to see what happens next. You still have the awesome ability to surprise me just when I thought you couldn't top your last cliffhanger.
    Last edited by Breezy; 29th May 2011 at 9:39 AM. Reason: tag fail

  17. #67
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    Just let me say beforehand that I am awestruck and ashamed at the quality of spelling in this chapter. I don't know what in the hell happened here, and I personally apologize to both Breezy- for making her go through and find all those- and to my other readers for having to read it.

    I will admit, I do not normally proofread. I'm usually an impatient bastard when it comes to it, having to read through the same thing I just finished writing. What happened here, I don't know, but I can guarantee it will not happen again.


    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    [/I]Search and replace function on the word processor is my best friend. ;P

    Lol, touche.

    Anyway, it's been a while since I've reviewed (and since you've updated haha), so let's see how rusty I am. I honestly can't remember what happened last chapter, but I'm sure it'll come back to me once I read. If not, well ... guess I have to scroll up.

    Indeed. Whatever works.

    I'm actually finding this a little awkward, specifically the first phrase before your dash. You might want to get rid of the "he" in bold so it matches the previous "was" clause and keeps the flow consistent.

    Alright.

    Okay, now I think I vaguely remember what happened. There was a fight with Cyrus (I can safely assume there's always some sort of Volkner vs ??? fight, though ;P) and there's suppose to be some big ole battle for money or something.

    Volkner vs. World, my friend. Volkner vs. World. *slow nod*

    I'm not sure what you mean by "small do." Also, writing "the trio" and listing their names is repetitive. Either have one or the other.

    *dot. My bad.

    No need for the comma.

    Got'cha.

    Accidentally capitalization in "participant."

    "Match" instead of "mach."

    Pushed.

    The "they" in bold is kind of confusing -- I'm not sure who you're referring to with it. I want to say you typoed it for "there" but I'm not positive on that. Either way, it could use some clarification.

    Capable at. This entire quote is a bit messy. I kind of get what you're doing, but all the mashing together is making the narrative read awkwardly here.

    Holy ****, wow. Way to go, me. *shakes head*

    You're missing a word in the section in bold. Probably "to."

    No need to make these into two paragraphs.

    Interesting drunk dialect. XP I'm kind of wondering what his sober dialect sounds like (I kind of got a stereotypical Italian/Mario vibe from it, haha).

    *shrug*

    Incomplete thought. You might want to consider putting a hyphen between "bugged" and "out." With that said, I'm not really getting much from your description here. You don't have to painfully describe pokemon (the ole "describe pokemon as if your reader doesn't know what a pogeymons is" is kind of silly because it's unlikely that a non-pokemon fan is going to read your story anyway), but you should describe when necessary and when it works within your plot. When you info dump pokemon detail, it's more likely you'll be confusing your reader more than clarifying it.

    That so? Eh. Alright, I'll remember it.

    This section is a little choppy. You might want to considering combining a few of the shorter sentences, like the second one could work well with the first one. The read also might be choppy because you're listing a sequence of actions that reads more as "telling" rather than "showing."

    Reading it over, I agree.


    The double "in" makes the beginning awkward to read. This sentence is also incomplete. You describe them but don't describe what they did after the flashes of light.

    Oh wow.

    Out into.

    Staring. Purple. My.

    *headdesk*

    The problem with "average" descriptors is that it's completely arbitrary; what may be average to you may not be average to me, or another reader, or another reader. If you really need to describe eye shape, you're better off giving a specific eye shape (almond, deep set, down turned ... they all describe a bit better than "a bit above average").

    Touche.

    Missed capitalizing the "d."

    Miscapitalized "pokeball." And "materializing."

    Surprise. Ian, I have to ask this honestly: Did you run spellcheck or proofread this before posting? =X Because there are a lot more errors this time around than what I'm used to with your stories. I usually don't have to point anything out grammatically.

    /end lecture =P

    Once again, I can promise this is something that is completely and totally shocking me: it won't happen again.

    The section in bold is possibly a misplace modifier. What you're saying is that the pokemon came out easily when I think you meant that Volkner easily recognized the pokemon that came out. Possibly.

    Lummox is "a clumsy, stupid person" so what you're saying is that the scizor is a clumsy, stupid person of a pokemon ... which, dunno, might make sense given scizor's body structure, haha. Either way, the word kind of sticks out oddly.

    This is solely my misunderstanding of the definition. I'll change that around.

    Don't combine "firm" with "give or take a few ..." as that's not firm.


    But oh snap to this. =P

    Jaw.

    He stood up and glanced toward Volkner.

    I'm preeety sure that's not a word. ;P Do you mean "unfazed?" by chance? I do like Volkner's dialogue in pair with the above, though. Even if what he said was totally asshattish, it fit the character you created for him and how he seems to punish his pokemon for getting hurt rather than caring about them getting hurt.

    [quoteBut Electabuzz did not eem pleased by this treatment.
    Seem.

    [qote]Vlkner cried out in pain.[/quote]Volkner. ;P That Electabuzz is awesome, btw. I like its personality and how it won't stand for bs, even from its trainer.

    Certain injuries were still not healed; and Volkner knew now that a match wasn't the only thing Electabuzz was afraid to throw[/quoe]Replace the semicolon with a comma. Also liked the pun here. =P

    Embarrassed.

    You missed capitalizing "He" here.

    Opponent.

    Ha, love Volkner's thoughts here. =P

    Capitalization errors.

    Punch, toward, bared.

    Electabuzz. Violent.

    Voice.

    Particular.

    Counteract.

    Viciousness. I'm not sure what word you meant with "pening." Pinning? Dunno.

    Opening.

    I'll let you guess the problem. =P

    Probably. Just. Capitalize the "he" in bold.

    I like Jasmine's little narrative thought at the beginning of her scene. =) Was cute and simple.

    Suppressed. But oh noes, what's going on? D:

    T'was a nice cliffhanger; it definitely broke you out of the monotony you had with the battles (which I am going to elaborate on, no worries ;P). It was vague but in a good way that's making me wonder wtf just happened.

    My problem with this chapter was particularly your first scene with Gardenia. I could tell you were eager to use BNB's character, and you developed his dialect nicely. But because of that, you seemed to have forgotten about Gardenia and her reactions to it.

    I can say that really, I wasn't actually all that into it. 'twas just an idea I had, and decided it would be a decent, humorous break from the tense atmosphere this story tends to have.

    With Volkner, it felt a little personally because you had his thought narrative to break up all the battle descriptions, and you could definitely tell that we were reading the battle from Volkner's perspective.

    No, we were reading from Cynthia's perspective! Gas-

    *shot*


    The same kind of goes with Jasmine's scene. I suppose it was a bit easier with her because her scene wasn't actually a battle. But with Gardenia's scene, I didn't really get a sense of her; you didn't really narrate her reactions to Tom's drunken ***. You could kind of tell that she was slightly amused with Tom's rambling, but that was only contained in the dialogue and not within her expressions or personal narrative. Because of that, her scene was kind of stagnant and kind of flat, even with Tom's character; it just read as a series of descriptors.

    Reading back, I agree.


    If you couldn't tell, this chapter had a whole mess of errors. Don't forget to proofread. ;P I will be eagerly awaiting the next chapter to see what happens next. You still have the awesome ability to surprise me just when I thought you couldn't top your last cliffhanger.

    Very pleased to hear that, at least. Thanks, as always, for the review, Breezy.
    Errors will be fixed when it's not four o'clock in the morning, and some other time when I'm running off more patience. Once again, I apologize for the atrocity in spelling and some of the flat scenes: I can say my heart wasn't quite in this chapter. I'm stuck on writing the intense stuff as of recent, so I can hopefully say next chapter will be a lot more interesting!

    - Ian


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  18. #68
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    once again, it is SATURN w/ the blue hair. im resisting the temptation of counting out how many times ive pointed that out. well,looks like Breezy pointed out e/t i was going 2,so nice job on Tom. & the other battles
    I am the Kingdom of Norway in the Hetalia Fan Club


        Spoiler:- Credit:


    The Boston Tea Party-Hetalia Style
    Originally posted by mariobrosvswariobros
    I think it would be chibi America dumping tea down the toilet
    Originally posted by TeamRocketGrunt
    Yeah, he'd be all like "Why are you dumping my prized tea?! My mumsie always-" and then America would carry on. Hahahahaha!

  19. #69
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    I really don't know how to say this. It's actually somewhat difficult, despite it being positive. I'll start with this: this story is dying. There's no denying that. My last few updates have been far and few between, the quality (at least in my mind) has been slowly degenerating, and I have been quickly losing my ideas and my will to write for it.

    So, as of today, “Sinnoh Stories – The Legend of Volkner” is cancelled.

    But this is for the better. I have long since been slowly losing my interest in this story, because of all the twists and turns I threw in – things thrown in because I wanted to take the lazy way out of certain plots, and continued only for the sake of continuity. I'm not going to lie. The story, the way it's heading at the moment? I hate it. But I don't want it to die.

    But Ian! You said this was positive! How is that positive?

    Simple, voice in my head. It will be started up again, under the new name of “Rebirth of Sinnoh – Volkner's Tale”. Once again, why start it up new? Because this version will not only be a revised version of the original, but it will contain all new content, and it will remove some old content. I can guarantee two things: one, the premise of the story will be the same. Two, the characters will be the same – jerkish Volkner, excitable Gardenia and her accent, Jasmine and her shy demeanor, the mysterious Mana... all of the main characters will not be going anywhere. But other than these two guarantees, content will have the very high chance of being radically different.

    I will be working on this very hard, and can guarantee one other thing: a release date!

    The prologue and first chapter of “Rebirth of Sinnoh – Volkner's Tale” will be released on August 15th, 2011! Looking forward to seeing you guys again!


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

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