"Their" should be "they're."
‘What do you hope to achieve? Their
dead and you can’t bring them back.’
I do understand that your character may be more mature than your average ten year old, but I'd like to point out the vocabulary. Your character appears to be one that leans toward the "slang" side of language (at least with his colorful language), so having phrases like "useful to me in my affairs" or even something like "necessary to obtain" seems a little unnatural. Why even bother with the "affairs" part? And wouldn't "and when I want something, I do whatever it takes to get it" seem more natural a thought?
Such a tool would be useful to me in my affairs
. I wanted one, and when I want something, I will do whatever is necessary to obtain it. Strong words from a 10-year old, I agree. But when you’ve gone through hell and back as I have, you’ll learn what reality is, and believe me, it’s a b****.
Ramble aside, try to remember that since you are writing in first person, the narrative should match your character since it is your character speaking/thinking. You might not use the same set of vocabulary that you use in public when thinking in your head.
The comma in red should be a period. Keeping the comma creates a sentence fragment called a comma splice. I think your use of "naturally" and "unhealthy" is a bit of a contrast, too.
I take a deep breath of the ocean air and gather my thoughts. I turn my attention to the beautiful blue sky, the warm of the sun and the chirps of Pidgey as they fly overhead. We must be near land if Pidgey are in the sky; they live off people’s garbage.
I was born in the far off Sinnoh region,
my parents died in a fire. I survived, mainly by luck; naturally I was mentally traumatized by the incident and have an unhealthy fear of fire.
More to the point, the bit of history of your character's past you inserted after his observation of the scenery is a bit jarring. While the structure of the history is simple (which I do like, don't get me wrong), I'm not sure why you decided to insert this information here.
No need for the comma in red. I would suggest deleting the "also" since is seems unnecessary (I don't think it relates to the sentence before it).
It was no accident, I discovered later. Several shattered bottles indicated that the use of Molotovs,
started it. Also records of my parent’s lives are scarce, only giving me more to find.
This bit could use some clean-up. There should be a comma between "fire" and "the" in the first sentence. You might also want to consider inserting a "but" between "combat" and "rather" (while deleting the comma).
After the fire the Veilstone gym took me in. I’m not particularly athletic or skilled in hand-to-hand combat, rather the opposite, a punching bag for Maylene, the Sensei’s favorite pupil.
After the fire, the Veilstone gym took me in. I’m not particularly athletic or skilled in hand-to-hand combat but rather the opposite, a punching bag for Maylene, the Sensei’s favorite pupil.
I think this would read better if the comma here were a period to keep the choppy, straight-to-the-point structure you have going on here. Write out your numbers as well ("10" = "ten").
My name is Willow Alexander,
I’m 10 years old and I’m in way over my head. Apparently.
I would suggest deleting the parenthesis here since the direction doesn't seem to matter that much. That or insert "right" into the text rather than separating the two:
‘Dude… double rainbow…’ He said dreamily gazing starboard (Right).
'Dude ... double rainbow ...' he said dreamily, turning his head to the right and gazing starboard.
(Admittedly, that may be repetitive if someone already knows that starboard = right)
You may have also noticed that the "he said" after the dialogue/telepathy is lower-cased. This is because "he said" is connected the dialogue before it (as in he said what is before/after it). "He said dreamily ..." isn't a complete sentence either.
The period in red should be a comma. You also need to insert a comma after "sarcastically."
“Yes two full rainbows… Unbelievable.
” I muttered sarcastically
‘It’s so beautiful…’ *sniff* ‘Oh man…’
I don't recommend using asterisks to describe action, mostly because it's cheap and doesn't tell the reader much. It doesn't take that much work to type up something like:
'It's so beautiful ...' A loud sniff resounded in my head, making me flinch. 'Oh, man ...'
I get what you're trying to do here with the sentence fragment (since it ties into something later), but I don't think it's necessary to make short, choppy sentences here, unlike the introduction of your character. It would probably be better to make it one complete sentence ("I whipped out my water bottle and drank the remaining liquid, carelessly throwing it into the ocean after finishing it") to make it less of a big deal.
I whipped out my water bottle and drank the remaining liquid. Carelessly throwing it into the ocean after finishing it.
Kay, well, a lot of your errors are starting to repeat themselves (comma splices, lack of periods, etc.), so I won't bother pointing them all out for now. I recommend either getting a beta/proofreader to re-read your work if you're unsure about commas and the works or remember to proofread yourself. A lot of errors could have been caught yourself, like adding in periods at the end of sentences.
I do think this has charm. I like the relationship between Willow and Rylte; I think they'll be good opposites to each other, with Rylte being quirky and loopy and Willow a bit of a tough guy. I think it was a creative choice to not go the route of handing Willow the pokedex and instead giving him a reason to prove that he deserves ones. According to Professor Oak, Willow is a selfish character with traits that would make a character unlikeable, but I never really disliked Willow to begin with. I think it takes a good writer to portray a character with a set of negative characteristics in a light that doesn't make the readers annoyed with that character. In a way, I guess I'm more sympathetic toward him, even if he does seem a bit haughty. This might be because of the back and forth conversation with the lighter Rylte and his goofy comments. I think it's interesting that Professor Oak was able to read into Willow's character without turning around to look at him, but I suppose Professor Oak works in mysterious ways. =P
I think you could have added more description interaction; the bulk of your chapter was dialogue. You added some "fidgety" action, like Willow tapping his fingers against the guardrail, which made your character a little more lifelike. It also wouldn't hurt to add a little more detail about the setting around your character (perhaps in the same interaction description).
Overall, it is a bit sloppy when it comes to grammar, but it does have strong characters and an intriguing plot to go along with the Pokespecial manga.