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Thread: Grasswhistle (Rated T)

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    Default Grasswhistle (Rated T)

    A Sceptile family get an unexpected surprise when a strange egg appears in their nest that would change their lives forever...

    Rated: T; for violence, blood, and language.

    I posted this on fanfiction.net two months before the Japanese Black and White came out. My main inspiration for this fanfic was the thought that Tsutarja/Smugleaf/etc. looked like a Treecko, and thus this started. It's my most reviewed fanfic, but I wouldn't say it was my most popular, for the only other fic I have on my account is a Gitaroo Man one.

    Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Tell me what you think of it, and please give me constructive criticism as well! I'll post a new chapter once a day.

    Table of Contents

    Chapter 1 (Right here~!)
    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3
    Chapter 4
    Chapter 5
    Chapter 6
    Chapter 7
    Chapter 8
    Chapter 9

    CHAPTER 1

    "Treaver, what are you so worried about?" Leena, an expecting mother Sceptile to three little Treecko eggs asked. "They're going to be fine. You won't exactly win their affection with you hovering them all the time; you know how independent Treeckos can be. You were one yourself."

    "I know, but…" Treaver, the father of the eggs started as he slowly and nervously circled around the eggs, "d-do you know how many Pokemon out there eat eggs? I mean, take Sneasel and Weavile for example…"

    "Treaver, we would have a better chance of having one of our babies an alternate color."

    "Oh please, not that!" Treaver exclaimed, "The last thing I need is to be teaching one of my young ones why none of their young accepts them."

    Treaver continued to circle around the eggs, alert to the slightest sound that was made. Leena, tired and agitated with his over-protection, nudged him a little bit, "Come on, the kids will be okay. Just go to sleep." He looked at the eggs in concern, and then looked up at the moon.

    "You're right," he sighed, "the moon is almost down and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep…" he curled up around the nest, "I need to be awake…in time for," he yawned, "the eggs to hatch…" and with that they both fell asleep.

    The morning sun broke through the horizon, and a young Happini with a little Oval Stone in her pouch got up to start the day. After a couple of blinks to adjust her eyes, she looked up to see that her mother, a Blissey, and her sisters, were still asleep. Hungry, she got up to look for some berries, hoping that they were not too high for her to reach, being so little and all.

    After wandering about for a good distance, she suddenly tripped over a medium-sized egg with green, white, and yellow markings all over it. She got up to inspect it; she poked it, shook it, and sniffed it.

    "We gotta get you back home to your family!" she said, "Your mama and daddy must be worried sick wondering where their egg must be!"

    With all her might, she pushed the egg away from the spot it once was. The egg-shaped dent in the grass told her that it has been sitting there for a long while with no home. She continued to push the egg forward until she bumped into a nest made of leaves, twigs, and grass with Treaver curled up around it to protect the eggs inside.

    "This must be its home…" she whispered, "and the mommy and daddy are still asleep. I'll just push this egg up... here!" and she heaved the egg up into the nest, not noticing that its coloration was a lot different than the other Treeko eggs in there, but happy she saved a Pokemon's life before it was even born, "Yay~! Wait until I tell Mama!" and she ran back to her nest.

    Hours passed, and Treaver started to notice movement in the nest. He opened his eyes, startled, worried that a predator may have invaded, and looked inside. In the nest he guarded vigilantly, the eggs were starting to hatch!

    "They're about to be born…" he said happily, "They're about to be born! Leena, wake up, the eggs are hatching!"

    Leena quickly woke up to witness the hatching of their new family, three Treecko and a…Treaver looked at the oddly colored egg as it joined the other eggs in hatching, "Leena…? Do you see something…odd with one of our eggs?"

    "My god, you're right!" she said as she examined it a little further, "Maybe it was a mistake, the colors may be off, but they do look a little similar…"

    As soon as the egg hatched, a little green snake-like Pokemon with big red eyes, small eyelashes, a long tail with a large leaf on the end with short, stubby arms, which had yellow crescent-like bands pointing downwards on its shoulders, and legs to keep it upright. It looked up at Treaver, who had a very confused look on his face.

    "That is the strangest looking Treecko I have ever seen…" he turned around and sighed, "It has to go."

    "What?" Leena said, "No, it will not! This little Pokemon ended up in our nest; obviously its original parents didn't want it. The best thing we can do for it is we treat it like it was any other Treecko; like family." She looked down at the little Pokemon who was curiously looking at its surroundings in awe, "Besides, it's a Grass type, looks a lot like one of us, and it would hurt to abandon it now when it already accepts us as its parents. Look at it, Treaver…isn't it so cute?" She nuzzled the little one's nose, causing it to sneeze. Treaver had to admit, it was kind of cute; and there really was no real difference between it and the other three Treecko. It bothered him to have such an outlandish creature in the same nest as his children, but he decided to at least give it a chance.

    "May the Great Arceus bless all of you," Leena announced to the children. "May you all have a safe, happy, and wonderful life." She nudged the little Pokemon saying, "especially you…my precious little girl…"

    "How do you know it was a girl?" Treaver asked.

    "Well, someone had to check," Leena explained, "and it couldn't be you." She turned back to the little girl whose eyes wide in wonder, "Evina," she said, "Your name is Evina, understand?" she said to the cuddling newborn. Evina looked up and squeaked happily, telling her she loved her new name. Leena chuckled and smiled as she looked up at all four of her and Treaver's new babies.

    "Welcome to the world…"
    Last edited by EspiratheAwesome; 21st November 2010 at 8:40 PM. Reason: Grammar corrections.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by EspiratheAwesome View Post
    ["Treaver, what are you so worried about?" Leena, an expecting mother Sceptile to three little Treecko eggs asked, "They're going to be fine. You won't exactly win their affection with you hovering them all the time; you know how independent Treeckos can be. You were one yourself."
    There should be a period after asked.
    but happy it saved a Pokemon's life before it was even born, "Yay~! Wait until I tell Mama!" and she ran back to her nest.
    Either call it it or she, but not both.
    "May the Great Arceus bless all of you," Leena announced to the children, "may you all have a safe, happy, and wonderful life," she nudged the little Pokemon, "especially you…my precious little girl…"
    Replace the commas after children and life. Then I'd place saying after Pokemon.
    Look at it, Treaver…isn't it so cute?" she nuzzled the little one's nose, causing it to sneeze.
    She should be capitalized.
    As soon as the egg hatched, a little green snake-like Pokemon with big red eyes, small eyelashes, a long tail with a large leaf on the end with short, stubby arms, which had yellow crescent-like bands pointing downwards on its shoulders, and legs to keep it upright.
    You were so into the description you forgot to make it actually a sentence. Place a comma after upright and place something like stepped out
    or emerged.
    Besides those weirdly placed commas after dialogue, it was pretty free of errors. I assume this will be a growing up story, and it looks like it could be good. I guess tommorow I'll see the next one.
    3DS FC (Pokemon X): 1848-1667-7668
    Friend safari is Ice with Snorunt, Beartic, and Cloyster. Looking for Dragon safaris, safaris with Whirlipede or Espurr, and Y-exclusive Mega Stones.

    Shiny Chains (D/P): Ralts, Magnemite, Beldum
    Targets: Shinx
    Shiny Chains (X/Y): None
    Targets: Clauncher/Clawitzer, Swirlix, Smeargle



  3. #3
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    Default Thanks!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Skydra View Post
    Besides those weirdly placed commas after dialogue, it was pretty free of errors. I assume this will be a growing up story, and it looks like it could be good. I guess tommorow I'll see the next one.
    Thanks a lot~! I'm so glad you liked the chapter, and I appreciate the corrections very much!

  4. #4
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    Default Chapter 2

    “Whaddya mean I have to take Evina out berry picking with me?!” An agitated Treecko by the name of Scepter groaned, “She’ll just get in the way!”

    “Scepter, I know you don’t like having someone else go with you whenever you harvest the berries, but Evina needs to learn the basic ropes of a Treecko, and, as one yourself, you can teach her.” Leena picked a Wurmple off of her back. “Besides, she seems more attached to you than Gex or Seva, so it will be good to bond with her as you travel.”

    “But I don’t want to bond with her!” Scepter whined, “She doesn’t know how to do anything right!”

    “Then you teach her,” Leena said, “you’re one of the smartest Treecko I know, and I’m sure you’ll be able to teach Evina anything if you just give her a small chance.” She looked up to where Evina was playing with some grass, “Evina, could you come here, please?”

    Evina heard the call and ran over to her mother, “Yes, Mama?”

    “Scepter here wants to take you out for berry picking,” Leena said, “so I want you both to be on your best behavior, don’t talk to any strange Pokemon, and stay away from Trainers.”

    “Trainers?” Scepter questioned, “I’ve never heard of that Pokemon before…”

    “Neither have I,” Evina added.

    Leena knew she would have to explain to the two what a Trainer was, but the Oran berries were getting riper the more they talked, and she did not want to lose any more food this week.

    “I’ll tell you two later,” she said as she nudged them on their way, “right now, the Oran berries need picking."

    Without a word, the two Pokemon nodded to their mother and left the safety of their nest. As they were walking, Scepter stared at Evina, who looked as if she had trouble walking.

    “Are…you okay?” he asked, a little confused as to why the strange looking Treecko could not walk as well as he could.

    “It’s…” she took a small step and fell forward, “it’s hard to walk with these legs, I don’t think they were built to walk.”

    “Of course they were, why would Arceus give you legs if he knew you wouldn’t need them?” he said as he helped her up, “But they are stubbier than mine…”

    “I want to try something else.” Evina said as she got on her belly and used her legs to push herself, her arms tucked neatly under her body as she made a movement that looked like slithering, as if she was some sort of snake.

    “That’s freaky.” Scepter said, “Come on, we’re wasting time trying to teach you how to walk. Mama needs Oran Berries now.”

    “Where would we get the berries?” Evina asked, trying to stand upright.

    “Ya gotta sniff them out.” Scepter said as he did just that. “They have a distinct smell to them, the problem is that there are so many other berries to confuse you, so you have to focus.”

    “Focus…alright.” She tried her best to sniff, but it did not work well. She fell backwards trying to sniff the air, falling on her tail, “I can’t smell! Not well, at least.” she said, “It’s so hard, but I can’t smell anything with this silly nose.”

    “First you couldn’t walk right, now you can’t smell?” Scepter asked, Evina nodded in shame, he sighed, “Fine, leave it to me, then.”

    Sniffing continuously for the Oran berries, he led them to a small bush with a bush full of them, “Ah! See, I found some! Come and help me carry them.”

    Evina agreed, and helped him pick as many ripe ones possible, which was hard; there were only ten or so that were ripe enough to be eaten. She noticed that, but she did not want to upset her brother, who worked hard to get the berries and looked proud in finding a bush. She was getting hungry, and, behind Scepter’s back, took a little lick at one of the ripe berries. That was then she found another strange ability. She flicked her little tongue out and “smelled” the berries that way! Her tongue still flicking in and out, she ran to a bush farther away from them and, to her surprise, all of the berries were ripe on it!

    “Brother Scepter, come and look at this! I found a bush!”

    “What? But that’s impossible! You need to smell berries in order to get at them, how did you…” he saw that her tongue was still flicking, and he made a face like she had evolved into a Grimer, “What.”

    “Isn’t it cool? I found these patches with my tongue! I could taste the air, and when I tasted the Oran berry…”

    “Wait, you tasted one of the berries we were going to pick?” Scepter said, “Evina, don’t do that! Those berries are for the family, and we can’t have you eating them all!” he scolded, “Besides, these berries are probably rotten.”

    Evina looked sad, she just wanted to help, why was her brother so mean at times? She grabbed as much berries as she could and used the large leaf on her tail to carry them all.

    “They don’t look rotten.” Evina pointed out as she looked at the top berry on her leaf, but Scepter just ignored her, fully believing that his bush was the better of the two. Evina shook her head and retraced her steps back to their nest.

    “Stupid Evina,” Scepter muttered, “just because she’s different than we are doesn’t make her better than us! I’ll show her I can get as many berries as she can from the bush I picked!” he pulled the Oran berries off of the branches as quick as possible, however, at one point he felt something that did not feel like a berry at all.

    Something rustled violently in the bushes, and out came a very angry Seviper, who hissed furiously at the young Treecko. Scepter, terrified out of his mind, dropped the berries and ran, the Seviper chasing after him in a flash. As he ran, he could feel in his gut that this Pokemon was at a much higher level than he was, and fighting it was useless.

    “Help!!” Scepter yelled out, “Help!! A Seviper is after me! I must have pulled some of the berries from his bush by mistake! Evina, Mama, Dad, help me!!”

    Evina heard his brother’s cries and scurried over to where he was after placing her Oran Berries in a safe spot. She was shocked to see the Seviper rip through the vegetation like a hot knife through butter. She, like Scepter, knew that it was at a much higher level than they were, but she would have to try defending her brother; even if one hit meant her life.

    “Hey!” Evina yelled out to the angry Pokemon, “Hey, Mr. Seviper!”

    The Seviper stopped to see who dared interrupt it when it was about to catch potential prey. It lowered itself to meet the strange Pokemon eye to eye, and then it said,

    “What in the name or Arceus is a Tsutarja like you doing in a family of Treecko?”

    “What? What is a “Tsutarja”? I’m a Treecko!”

    The Seviper, who they could tell by its voice that it was female, laughed loudly, “You silly Pokemon! Pokemon Researchers call you a Tsutarja, the Grass Snake Pokemon, and you are not supposed to be here; this is Hoenn!”

    “Hoenn? If…if I don’t belong here, where do I…”

    “Look, I’m not someone to ask for answers like that,” the Seviper looked at Scepter and then back at Evina, “look, I’ll let your little crime slide for now, little Treceko…only because your 'sister' made me laugh with her stupidity. A Pokemon that doesn’t even know what it is, HAH!” she smiled at Evina and pat her little head with her large blade tail, “At least you’re one of us: a snake; a vile, poisonous creature. Maybe if you look hard enough an Arbok family might adopt you or something.” The Seviper turned around and slithered back to her Oran bush where she continued to sleep.

    As soon as the Seviper left, Scepter looked at her like she was evolving into a Muk, “A Grass AND Poison type!? That’s gross! I bet when you evolve you’re going to turn into a drooling gas ball that can kill us just by smelling you!” he assumed. Evina looked sad, Poison-types were dangerous. She remembered that they were almost always the bad guys in the stories Leena told them when they were still little babies, either that or Dark-types. She sighed, “Oran berries are under the tree…” she walked away sadly, “I’m going home…”

    Scepter watched her leave; however, she was going in the opposite direction of their nest, “Hey….HEY!” he followed her, “Where are you going? Our nest is this way!”

    “But it’s not my home.” Evina replied, “It was never my home. I’m going to find where I came from. If you want to follow me, fine.”

    “But you’re still so young!” Scepter said, “Our levels are as low as possible, and a simple Tackle could even kill us! Come on, Evina, let’s go home!”

    “I AM going home! ...I just don’t know where, yet.”

    Well, she had learned to be as stubborn as a Treecko, despite being a…whatever she was. Scepter knew there was no way to convince her to come back to the nest. His heart raced at the fact that their mother and father would be worried sick as soon as they found out they went beyond the nest, but even more worried of what was beyond the forest. In a way, he was kind of excited, this would be an adventure of sorts. He still did not think it was a good idea, though. He sighed as he slowly followed Evina, who was crawling at a fast pace, trying to find a way out of the forest.

    If you're wondering why Evina does the things she does in this chapter, such as slither or smell with her tongue, it was that this chapter was made while Tsutarja was nothing but a picture, so I had to kind of make stuff up based off of the snake Tsutarja was based off of. Anyway, comments and constructive criticism are appreciated! Thank you!

  5. #5
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    Hello. I am one of the readers of this story on FFN, and I even put it in my fav list. Though I'm a bad reviewer, so I didn't review.

    ...I have not much to say, except nice plot so far. But I have to say, that you should give the supporting characters more screen time.

    I hope you re-edited the story before posting it here, then it'd catch my interest. Or you could even entirely change the ending, 'cause the ending seems a little... rushed, and simple. But too, the scenes are not as exiting. You need to twist the plots, twist until all the juice(plot) leaks out, and then you'll be able to make a great story.

    Man, does that sound cheesy.

    Still, I shorten my words so I do not leak infos to new readers. Let them enjoy their time reading.
    Last edited by Unknown Guy 960; 26th November 2010 at 3:51 AM.
    Totally Not A Signature:
    I can gladly conclude to you that I don't have a signature. But if you count this as a signature in itself, do I have a signature or not? If the way of bragging that one has no signature in their signature means that they actually have one, do I have to take this off so I can say that I really have no signature? But if I still insist on bragging about having no signature in my signature which would make me have a signature, what should I do so that I don't have a signature bragging about I don't have a signature that can still brag about not having a signature even though my signature doesn't say that I don't have a signature?

    Quote Originally Posted by WindStorm
    And don't quote this post anywhere like in your signature or something because really.

  6. #6
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    Good start. I love Tsutarja; it's probably my favorite gen. 5 Pokemon!

    At this point, I can't find any glaring errors, so good job with that as well. Hmm, I didn't expect Evina to run away, so that was a good surprise. That being said, I would like to know more of her motives for running away. After all, unless a character is extremely impulsive, it doesn't seem like they would leave the family and the world that they have known so abruptly. So maybe provide us with more of an insight into Evina's point of view.
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

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