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Thread: Goldenrod Kid

  1. #1
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    Default Goldenrod Kid

    PROLOUGE
    Luke "Sinister" Lane life took a different turn once he ran into a woman named, Mana. Escaped from the Goldenrod orphanage, the 16-year-old lives on the streets battling underground to manage throughout his young life with his best friend a Scyther he calls, Splitter. Mana introduced Luke into the Pokemon Alliance life. All alliance strive to become the greatest alliances in all regions of the Pokemon World. Luke enters an adventure filled with action, meeting new people, going to cities he could never imagine of going, and trying to find his paths in life.

    PHASE I: SINISTER


    Through the dark alleys of Goldenrod City sat a teenaged boy against a brick building. His clothes were battered, worn out and filthy. The newest piece of clothing he had on was a hooded gray sweatshirt he had stolen recently. Despite having a hooded sweatshirt he still exposed his matted black hair rustled in a headband. He watched the pedestrians walking by with only his slanted gray eyes piercing through the darkness. Luke Lane was his name.
    Luke got to his feet and stepped into the daylight with a 5-foot silhouette approaching behind him.

    “Time to work Splitter,” Luke said, “are you ready?”
    “Scy…ther,” Splitter replied.

    Luke and Splitter went to the underground path of Goldenrod. The path is titled from most as, “The Dark Zone” because over the years the crime has gotten worse. The gaming corner isn’t the only place to gamble in Goldenrod. They make their way down the stairs and into the path blockaded by a large figure. Approaching closer it was a Machamp with a brown-haired athletic man leaning against the wall next to it. The man glanced at Luke and gave him a smirk.

    “Outta the way buddy,” ordered the man to Machamp, “Sinister Lane is here.” The Machamp stepped aside as Luke and Splitter walked through.

    Heading down the hallway, Luke came to a rambling crowd. The profanity and shouting echoed and filled the hallways. Making his way through a section a battle was being held between an Ursaring and a Rhydon. The Rhydon was in bad shape. The shouting got louder and the crowds starting stomping with majority screaming “finish it”. Ursaring started to glow—with its fist gleaming brighter—it lunge its fist forward connecting with Rhydon’s head. The punch was so violent that Rhydon’s horn was broken. The punch sent Rhydon into the air and creating a big quake once it thudded to the ground.
    “That’s one hell of a Focus Punch!” Someone in the crowd yelled.

    Ursaring’s trainer stepped into the middle of the battle ring. He was large and stocky, and well over 6 feet all. He pounded his huge belly with his fists and spoke in a hefty tone,

    “Easy money! Easy 25,000 yen! Make sure ya take that sorry Rhydon of yours and get that horn fixed!” He laughed. “Who’s money am I gonna take next? Just try and surprise me here.”

    “I’m next!” Luke answered stepping through the section that opened for him. “Make it double or nothing this time, huh?”

    “That’s the Sinister Lane right there!” A crowd member shouted.

    “Sinister what?” The man spoke. “I don’t care what he his! Look, you got a lot of balls kid! Fifty thousand yen!? You got a death wish!? My Nodo over here will make a bug fossil outta that Scyther!”

    “Is that so?” Luke quoted sarcastically.

    “Hmph! I heard someone has been moppin the floors with the competition down here. I’m from Goldenrod and I never seen you here before. I’ll show you how a real Goldenrod bub gets things done. I’m Odon and people call me the Unstoppable Force around town. Let’s go! Last one standing, 50,000 yen. Up for it?”

    “I was wondering when you would stop blabbering on. Get out there Splitter.

    Splitter stepped before Nodo grinding his scythes together and crouching in his battle stance. Nodo let out a furious roar while waving its claws trying to intimidate Splitter. The crowd started placing personal bets amongst each other. Splitter and Nodo sized each other up.

    “Let’s start this off with a Focus Punch!!” Odon ordered. Nodo winded up its fist and charged at Splitter.

    “Splitter use your speed—Double Team!” After evading Nodo’s punch, Splitter sped his way behind Nodo and split multiple copies of himself. “Now, Swords Dance!” Luke commanded. Splitter began swaying his scythes in an introversive action.

    “What’s this!?” Odon shouted. “C’mon Nodo crush all of them with Hammer Arm—now!!” Nodo charged again flinging its arm vertically towards the clones disrupting each one. Eventually, Nodo will reach the true Splitter version.

    “Now let’s get this over with quick Splitter! Fury Cutter!” Splitter anticipated Nodo’s continuous Hammer Arm and retaliated with a swift series of violent slashes to Nodo’s body—then to its back. Splitter’s actions were so quick that it was near impossible to cipher what was happening. Nodo’s body twitched and bent it various directions reacting to the pain of the slashing. Splitter then delivered a decisive and final blow to the top of Nodo’s crown which made the audience go wild. Nodo had fallen face forward to the ground—and unconscious. Odon’s jaw had dropped and he started swearing out loud. The crowd started chanting Luke’s underground name, Sinister.

    “My Scyther didn’t even break a sweat. Your Ursaring looks like it saw a ghost. Hmph, I guess that is easy money for me also. Now are you gonna make this easy or do we have to make a personal matter out of it?”

    “Argh! No worries,” Odon replied, tossing a wad of money to the ground, “there’s your cash! I keep my word, but, it won’t be the last you see of me you scrawny little *******! I only bring one Pokémon because I’m so used to winning with just one. But just you wait! Keep coming down here and the next time I see you, you’d better bring the cavalry because I’m gonna put that Scyther—and any other Pokémon in the hospital!”

    Luke picked up the money and said, “Yeah, yeah just be ready the next time. C’mon Splitter, we’re outta here.” Odon returned Nodo to its poke’ ball and Scyther followed Luke. Going back to the way they entered they ran across the man with the Machamp again. He smirked at Luke again and said,

    “Another easy one, eh? This is gettin real old—real fast.”

    “I’ll say,” added an extra feminine voice. Luke and all directed their eyes to the figure emerging from the shadows. It was a purple-haired woman wearing a trendy purple swim top with black leather pants and black leather heels. Tattoos covered both arms and she had a couple piercings on her belly. “I’m pretty sure you must be bored down here. I can fix that for you if you allow me to.”

    “I’m pretty bored too, babe.” The man added. The woman scoffed at him.

    “Let me guess; you wanna invite me to some type of tournament were the best of the rest compete and stuff like that?” Luke said.

    “No,” she answered, “nothing like that. How would you like to join a team?”

    “A team? Ha, sorry but I work it alone—me and Splitter here.”

    The woman removed a glove she was wearing on her right hand and revealed another body art—it was some type of symbol on her outer hand. When the man saw the symbol he decided to leave saying he didn’t want any part of what was going on.

    “Have you heard of the Reaper Keepers alliance? My name is Mana and I’m a general of the Reaper Keepers alliance. I positive that Delta will be very interested in you. You look like thrown out trash on the street, but that’s how we all start out.”

    “I’m not interested,” replied Luke turning his back on Mana. “Me and Splitter stand alone and don’t take part in some childish gang trying to become the next Team Rocket or something.”

    “To put the Reaper Keepers in the same sentence as that low-life gang is an insult by itself. If you feel that Reaper Keepers are so childish then why not have a battle here against a little girl right now?” She took out a pokeball in her right hand. Luke and Splitter faced her. “If I win this battle you are mine for a while, but if you win I’ll give you money. How ‘bout it?”

    “Okay, I guess we could use more money,” Luke said.

    “Okay then. First battle wins all.” Mana tossed her pokeball and out came a Zangoose. Splitter hissed at Zangoose and cracked his neck twice. Splitter stepped forward in a battle stance.

    “Ladies first,” Luke insisted.

    “Very well,” Mana said, “Zangoose, charge with Night Slash now!”

    “Splitter, Fury Cutter!” Luke ordered.

    Zangoose swiftly evaded Splitter’s scythes and did almost effortlessly. Zangoose began countering Splitter using Night Slash with its violent claws. Seeing Splitter taking damage Luke still remained calm and ordered him to use Double Team. Zangoose was suddenly surrounded by Splitter replicas.

    “Zangoose use Fury Swipes on every one!” Zangoose’s quickness was almost blinding. Within seconds Zangoose hacked and slashed through all copies until the real version was revealed. Luke ordered Splitter to use Slash, but before Splitter could even execute the attack he was knocked off his feet when Zangoose slashed him with a series of swipes to the torso. Mana then ordered Zangoose to focus more on Splitter’s left arm. The attack hit Splitter on his left arm and he cried out loud. After getting out of harm’s way Splitter started to favor his left arm with only his right arm up. It was as if his arm was broken and he couldn’t raise it. Luke screamed at Splitter to get back into a battle stance. Splitter tried with every bit of strength he had to lift his arm and he managed to do it. Luke saw the pure agony on Splitter’s face but also saw the spirit of the warrior he has known for the past 2 years.

    “Stop,” he said. “I guess we gotta let this one go my friend.”

    “What? You’re giving up?” Mana asked. “Well this is bad—Delta doesn’t like quitters.”

    “There is a logical reason I’m stopping this battle—that’s because it is meaningless. It’s meaningless and I see my friend here in bad shape so I’m not gonna put him through any more pain than he has to take.”

    “I see,” she said. “I see that arm looks like it never even been attended to. Do you even take your Pokémon to the Pokémon Center?”

    “Yes but this is an injury that he has always had. I put him through a lot of training and he doesn’t care—he just wants to get stronger, but I care for his health at times so he can be able to fight another day.”

    Mana returned Zangoose back into its pokeball. “Well I’m still holding you to the deal we had. Come with me to the Goldenrod department store and I’ll have someone take a better look at Scyther’s arm. I’m not gonna hold you too long. I just want you to get an idea of what you can be a part of.”

    “Very well then let’s get going.” Said Luke.

    “Are you gonna return your Scyther?” Asked Mana.

    “He doesn’t have a pokeball. I found Splitter and didn’t need a pokeball to capture him—he followed me.”

    After leaving the underground path Mana and Luke headed to the department store. After entering the first floor they took the elevator to the basement. Mana took out a card key to open another door to proceed further into the basement. They then reached a group sitting down around a table gambling with each other. Once they saw Mana they gave her a respectful greeting.

    There were three members around the table. On the left was a very slender man in his early 20s with blue crazy hair, tons of body art, and black eyes. The middle person was a big brute of a man, broad shoulders and strong square chin and brown short hair who had a very wide smile and around his early 30s at least. The last was a dark-skinned man with short black hair and athletic build without a shirt on with dogtags hanging on his neck. He looked to be in his early 20s as well.

    “Who’s this kid you got taggin’ with ya?” Asked the brute with haughty deep tone.

    “You’s a pickin’ up lil’ strays now Mana?” The slender man added.

    “Hey now guys respect him cause’ he’s gonna be one of our own soon.” She began to introduce Luke to the three pointing from left to right. “That’s Sly, that’s Roderick, and that’s Kino.

    “What’s your name kid and don’t tell me you’re over 20 years old cause’ you look far from it.” Said Roderick.

    “I don’t know ‘bout that Rod, he’s quite a tall one.” Sly commented.

    “The name’s Luke,” he answered.

    “Oh c’mon give’em your real name kid,” Mana pushed on, “This is Sinister Lane right here. He nearly took me out with his Scyther here—and it almost beat with one arm!”

    “What!? That’s crazy!” Roderick exclaimed. “You mean this little runt actually gave the great Mana trouble?”

    “I’ve heard of you,” Kino disrupted. “The Sinister of the underground, right? Hmph…I hope you don’t plan on battle the same way you did down there, cause’ you’re gonna have to revise your battlin’ strategies up here. Pull any of that brainless ******** up here and you’ll be scrapin’ your Scyther off the pavement with a shovel.”

    Mana looked at Luke and he glanced back at her. “Well don’t look at me,” she said, “You gotta stick up for yourself around here as well kid.”

    Luke turned away, “Whatever…anyone who talks big can’t battle big.”

    “Ooooh, we got a competitive one here! Haha!” Sly instigated.

    Kino’s eyes widened and then slanted—he shot out of his seat and grabbed a pokeball from his belt. “You wanna see right now! I’ll put you and your cupcake Scyther outta business right now—let’s go!”

    “Hold it dammit!” Mana intervened. “I don’t have time for this ****! Let alone your ******** Kino! Save it for the real battles. Now the Sinister is gonna be with the Reaper Keepers and you guys are gonna give him the respect as a fellow member! We’ve got bigger problems to deal with other than pick fights with each other—now sit down Kino!”

    Kino sat back down while eyeing Luke, Splitter eyed Kino back.

    “So what’s the deal—are we gonna make a move yet?” Roderick asked.

    “Yeah I’m really gettin’ board just stuck here in Goldenrod.” Sly added.

    “Delta wants us here because Delta wants Goldenrod to be ours.” Mana spoke. “The Xtremes claim majority of this city. They are interfering with us getting some territory and Delta wants them completely eliminated—and she mean completely.”

    “Yeah some action! I can’t wait!” Sly shouted.

    “I’m taking Sinister to meet with Delta. Until then just sit tight for a while.”

    Mana and Luke went back into the elevator and Mana pressed the button that would bring them to the roof of the department store. Once they got to the roof there were some people sitting up there. Luke tended to Splitter’s left arm with a potion. The potion didn’t have much of an effect but it stopped Splitter from grimacing along the way. Luke knew deep down that Mana was right and that Splitter needed more attention.

    “I’m not a detective or anything but I think you were watching me for a while to know that Splitter’s left arm was damaged.” Said Luke.

    “Yeah I have been watching of course, but Delta sent me to scout for one more member since the underground battling has started to heat up. I had to see who Sinister Lane was. You battle pretty well for a beginner trainer, but you gotta take better care of your Pokémon though.”

    “I didn’t know his arm gotten worse since then. He isn’t very open to showing his pain.”

    Suddenly Mana’s attention went to the elevator entrance with a woman stepping out the doors. She was short, brown long hair, and wore captivating attire. She wore a long-sleeved black half shirt that exposed her pierced belly at the naval; and with cleaving showing rivaled by her bustyness. With black jeans laced with many straps around the thighs, it was a perfect match for the dark blue unlaced boots. She approached Mana with a wide smile and gave Luke a twisted expression.

    “Delta this is Sinister Luke, Luke this is Delta,” Mana explained. Luke’s mind was somewhat puzzled to find out that the Reaper Keepers’ leader was a woman.

    “How old is he?” Delta said in disgust. “There’s no way he looks over 18. I’m not raising a daycare here Mana! I thought I said no one under 18!”

    “Hey look whose talkin’ little girl—you don’t look so old yourself!” Luke insulted.

    “Oh well I’ll take that as a compliment. Do I really look that young?”

    “I’m sorry Delta,” Mana apologized, “But I’ve seen him battle and he may be a kid but c’mon the guy mopped the floor with the competition underground.”

    “Well I don’t know much about the underground and I never heard of someone named Sinister. But I can propose something—see I scouted out a little candidate myself. She’s looking for an alliance and I think she’s pretty good. She’s from Whitney’s gym. I’ll have your Boy-Toy here battle against my player, whoever wins stays it is that simple.”

    “Great then bring her out now.” Luke insisted with an elevated attitude.

    “Alright I like your confidence here. Have everyone meet at the Pokémon Park in just a while so we can settle this.” Delta waved goodbye and went back to the elevator.

    “Now this is where you hold your own nuts here kid,” Mana explained. “I don’t have time for excuses just do what you have been doin’ underground. If you lose you will not make only yourself look lame, but I’ll look lame for scouting such a weak trainer. Now patch up that Scyther and get to the Pokémon Park. Make sure you get a pokeball for Scyther as well. This is all or nothing right here so let’s get it done.” Mana left to the elevator to follow Delta.
    Luke gave Splitter a serious look and said, “Let’s get that arm fixed my friend. It seems like we’re gonna have a real battle this time.”
    You use Signatures?

  2. #2
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    Please let me know how you guys like it. I hope you like it. The next phase will definitely have more action.
    You use Signatures?

  3. #3
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    This is interesting, its pretty cool to see a story from the perspective of an evil team rather than the typical do good trainer. One thing I hope to see is Lukes history, just to get a better idea of how he came to be who he is in the story. But, anyways I look forward to reading more.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shade Sigma View Post

    Through the dark alleys of Goldenrod City sat a teenaged boy against a brick building.
    That sentence doesn't make sense. You can understand it, but it is written strangely. Perhaps you should try:
    Had you looked through the dark alleys of Goldenrod, you might have seen a teenage boy leaning against a brick building.
    The path is titled from most as, “The Dark Zone”
    No comma after as.

    Luke and Splitter went to the underground path of Goldenrod. The path is titled from most as, “The Dark Zone” because over the years the crime has gotten worse. The gaming corner isn’t the only place to gamble in Goldenrod. They make their way down the stairs and into the path blockaded by a large figure.
    Notice how you began the paragraph with went, past tense, and somewhere used make? Thats called changing tenses and is frowned upon. Since most of the rest is in past tense, change make to made.
    Making his way through a section a battle was being held between an Ursaring and a Rhydon.
    Making his way through a section is an introductory clause, so place a comma after it.

    “I was wondering when you would stop blabbering on. Get out there Splitter.
    Forgot a quoteation mark at the end.
    Eventually, Nodo will reach the true Splitter version.
    Changing tenses again. will reach should become would reach, reached, or something similar using past tense.
    “Let’s start this off with a Focus Punch!!” Odon ordered. Nodo winded up its fist and charged at Splitter.
    Winded isn't a word in the terms you are using it. Winded as in got the wind knocked out of you is correct use of the word, you should use wound.
    Nodo’s body twitched and bent it various directions reacting to the pain of the slashing.
    Comma after directions.
    I’m gonna put that Scyther—and any other Pokémon in the hospital!”
    Pokemon should also have a hyphen after it.
    “Let me guess; you wanna invite me to some type of tournament were the best of the rest compete and stuff like that?” Luke said.
    Best of the best, not rest.
    Zangoose swiftly evaded Splitter’s scythes and did almost effortlessly.
    Remove and did, it doesn't make sense.
    past 2 years.
    Usually its proper to write out the number.
    After leaving the underground path Mana and Luke headed to the department store.
    Same thing with the introductory clause, comma after path.
    Yeah I’m really gettin’ board
    Bored, not board.

    And you should think about making the sentences of characters more gramattically correct, because some entences are strung together strangely and made with other ideosyncracies.

    I like the length and the story, grammar besides, and I'll be looking for the next chapter.
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  5. #5
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    I always messed that up Board and Bored that always gets me man. LOL

    Thanks for the inputs Im gonna try harder.
    You use Signatures?

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    I always messed that up Board and Bored that always gets me man. LOL

    Thanks for the inputs Im gonna try harder.
    You use Signatures?

  7. #7
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    You posted in my thread, so I decided to give your fic a look...

    And so far I like the setup you have! I'm assuming we will find out background information later, which I look forward to with Luke.

    Also, <3 Zangoose

  8. #8
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    Wow, this is really well done. To be honest I wasn't expecting much because the title is pretty basic, but you can't judge a fic by it's title, right? I really enjoyed the atmosphere you set up in each of the settings dispayed in this chapter. The characters are also very well described and have interesting personalities. Well done on the battle scenes.

    The only negative I have is that while I understand that living off of underground battling means Luke is poor, if he wins all of the time, he should at least be able to buy a decent sweatshirt of his own rather than stealing one. Having to steal one assumes that he is dirt poor and never wins money. I'm sorry if that sounds petty, that's just one thing I noticed.

    Keep up the awesome work!

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