Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: Falling in a Downward Motion [[ikari shipping]]

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Imagination land!
    Posts
    3

    Smile Falling in a Downward Motion [[ikari shipping]]

    Hello! I'm currently new here to serebii forums, and I haven't been on that much, but I always wanted to make a shipping fic here. There are so many that I have read here that I love, and I want to be apart of it! Um, I'm not particularly a 'fan' of this shipping (as that I don't press my nose up to the screen when the anime comes on and scream KYYYAAAA! when they appear together) but I think that they would both be an interesting couple in my story. I mean Dawn is so positive and has an friendly attitude with a hidden hot headiness inside her. And then you got the dark and negative paul. Strong, calm, and can easily irritate you. Both of them are very different, and I just love this part of this shipping <3

    Well I'm just rambling and probably bothering you with my words so I'll shut up and get to the disclaimer.
    DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, places, or names of the characters, and are owned under the pokemon company and nitendo.

    Well now that's over, I hope you enjoy! -satoharuchan =D


    characters
    __________________________________________________ ______________




    Falling in a Downward Motion

    Story by: SatoHaruChan

    Rated T











    Prologue




    Melted snow seeped into my boots as the winter wind harshly bit at my cheeks. All i could see in front of me were white specks and blackness, with occasionally the rare sight of branches and boulders. I have never seen Sinnoh like this in all my years of living here, and it was unbelievable that I happened to be walking through eye of the storm. I blinked under the heavy fall of rain and snow, as my eyes tried to adjust through the pitch blackness. All i had was a small flashlight that only helped me see where I was walking, and an crumpled note that was still clenched in my palms. For what felt like the hundred time I checked the coordinates on my poke-navi for the time. It was 11:35, the perfect time for a bear to walk into me and maul me to death. I shivered, and crept closer into my coat. Usually I'm not the type of person who would be caught in a dangerous situation for an useless reason, but somehow I felt that...that I needed to go and find him. Even if it meant being ripped apart in the end.

    I shook the thought of him out of my head, and continued my way through the path tords town. I was tired and hungry. I was so stupid to not bring any food. I exhaled, and watched a puff of smoke slip from my lips. i wondered if any resterraunts would be open at the time I would get over there. I had a fair amount of money that I took out from my piggy bank, and it was even enough for me to get a small room at a motel. I was prepared, yet I felt like I wasn't ready to enter a place that was out of my comfort zone.


    A few strides later in the thick snow, and I was suddenly caught off guard by the quick flicker of light that came into view. I gasped, naturally jumping back with my flashlight ready in my hand to be used as a weapon. Unfortunately I had stepped back into a loose root, and it sent me falling, and slamming my back against the mispatched ground. The blow knocked the wind right out of me, and it sent me wheezing over the cold dirt. As air slowly began to refill my lungs, I moaned and tried to sit up straight. I faltered, but managed, and I still had my flashlight in my hands. I shined it up tords the direction of where I saw the light, and searched for it.

    I didn't even know if what I saw was even significant. For all i know it could have been a piece of foil paper or trash. I sat motionless for a long 20 seconds, before I relaxed when I didn't hear or see anything. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. What was I doing? I should have been in my nice warm house with my mother by the fire, and my nose stuck to a mystery novel, but here I was, sneaking behind my mothers back with only a long note to leave her as a goodbye just so I could drag this idiot back home. I thought about giving up on him and returning back to my small normal life, but he was just so...so.... What was the word? I groaned, irritated, and threw a loose rock that laid helplessly on the floor. Why did he have to be an idiot, and go ruin my life with his I have to leave everything I grown attach to before I hurt them crap! Didn't he know what that would do to the people that love him? They would be completely miserable without him in their lives, they will be torn, sad... The moist sheet of paper felt like ice in my palms, and I clenched it tightly. I wiped my eyes with the end of my sleeve, and pushed myself off from the ground.

    Look at me, I'm a complete wreck! I didn't want this. I didn't want this feeling, this urge, these stupid tears! I suffered through this once and it wasn't fair that I was going through with it again. I hated him. I hated that he was the reason why I abandoned my home, my mother, my best friend, my dam town--

    I stopped in my tracks, and inhaled through my nose to calm myself down. I closed my eyes, and listened to the silent wind rustle through the canopy of trees over me. The constant drops of ice slid down my cheeks and forehead, sending my bones to quiver. For a moment I completely forgot all the negative things I said, and I was overwhelmed with a realization that could not be helped. I wasn't sure if it was the rain, or if it was a tear running down my face, but I didn't care. I let them overflow, and allowed myself to pour out my emotions. I raised my lashes, and was smiled down by a pale moon peeking at me from behind a silver cloud. In her light, the feathered white powder of rain and sleet spiraled slowly down tords the earth and collided with anything that was in it's way. A small smile surfaced on my face, and I was suddenly happy.

    It wasn't just the small peace and tranquility that I was given, but it was what this peace reminded me of why I was out here. I was out here because I needed to show him that without him everyone would be torn apart, I needed to give him the note that I promised his brother I would show him, I needed him back... because I was magnetized by his very presence. Even if he didn't want me, I knew I couldn't let him go.

    It was too late for that.

    Another gust of wind blew, blowing loose strands of hair away from my face, and drying my tears away. I knew now that there was no time to be arguing over the fact that I hated to love him, and how I should be running to go get him. I unzipped my backpack and threw my note inside it, zipped it back, and pointed the flashlight to the distance. I grinned to myself and began to run.



    __________________________________________________ ______________

    As expected, this was short because this was the prologue. Um, If you didn't notice (and sorry I didn't mention this earlier) but this story is through Dawn's point of view. I understand most of the fic's here are mostly third person, but I really wanted to do something different.

    I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I hope to update soon!
    thanks for reading -SatoHaruChan =D

    __________________________________________________ _______________

    Falling in a Downward Motion...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    IL
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    There are some pretty lush descriptions here, I can tell you were working hard to paint pictures in people's minds. Nice control of sound as well: "A few strides later in the thick snow, and I was suddenly caught off guard by the quick flicker of light that came into view." with it's casual little half-rhyme especially. Then again, you gotta be careful with musical devices, if you use too much of them then they can get a little clunky. The first paragraph has a few examples of alliteration that seem to be there just for alliteration's sake, but I think you move beyond that as you come to grips with the prose.

    My favorite sentence in the entire thing? "It was 11:35, the perfect time for a bear to walk into me and maul me to death." This sentence just made me love you. It's nice and concrete and can be taken in a few ways. It can be funny, self-mocking, or just plain despair-filled.

    In some ways, I think perhaps that sentence could have a companion if more was teased out of: "I gasped, naturally jumping back with my flashlight ready in my hand to be used as a weapon". Like perhaps a comment about the flashlight's uselessness as a weapon or that the way she was feeling a real weapon wouldn't have helped any more.

    You've got a couple of technical errors. "resterraunts" stood out to me, but I can never spell that word right on the first try either. Spell check and proof-reading, but these things are easily fixed and aren't really big deals.

    "What was I doing?" would probably make more sense in the present with "What am I doing?" since she's still in the process of doing it... and your readers understand that italics mean that you're shifting directly to her thought process, so it's okay to change from past to present tense there. Also, it would make it line up better with: "Look at me, I'm a complete wreck!" (which isn't "Look at me, I *was* a complete wreck!")

    Since it's the prologue a lot of things are kinda vague now, which can be a good thing. It makes me curious to see what happens next. When there's more character interaction you'll be able to show things through action and dialogue and not just reveal it directly through Dawn's thought process, which is always desirable. Hope to read more from you as I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •