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Thread: Wendigo [One Shot; PG-13]

  1. #1
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    Default Wendigo [One Shot; PG-13]

    So, I got bored tonight and looked up stuff on the Slender Man (a fake urban legend), and that brought me across a certain story about something called "The Rake." This got me slightly motivated to write my own horror story. It's not great, but I figured, y'know, why not post it if it took me a couple hours? There are obvious ties to 'The Rake' story since it's based on that, but whatever. When I was writing this, the word 'Wendigo' popped into my head, and since this could... sort of... pass as a Wendigo, I figured why not? Hope you like it. ;D

    Wendigo

    I snuggled even further into my husband's arms on our couch, my daughter Katelyn laying between my legs as we watched the horror movie together. "Come on, Jessica, is it really such a great idea to let her watch this?" James whispered into my ear as Katelyn hid her eyes behind her hands, the woman in the movie sleeping and unaware of the monster sneaking into her room.

    "What, just because it's past her bedtime a little? She's in fourth grade; I was watching tons of scary movies when I was her age." I shoved another handful of popcorn into my mouth, wincing as the monster crawled into the bed with the woman unnoticed. The husband will get back any minute and kill the thing. I tried to reassure myself in my head. The thing won't kill her. It won't. It was sad how scared I was getting, despite all the years I'd spent watching horror movies. Maybe James had a point about not letting Katelyn watch this.

    Too late.

    Katelyn screamed bloody murder as the lady woke up and saw the creature in her bed, but the monster was already slashing into her. I gasped, clapping a hand to my mouth as James looked away. He covered my eyes with his hand, the diamond ring on his finger poking into my forehead. A smile crept across my face, despite the screams filling the room from the movie. My husband would save me from something like that. I thought to myself. I'm always safe with him.

    I pulled James's hand from my eyes as I reached for the remote control, turning off the DVD and running my fingers through Katelyn's hair reassuringly. "It's alright, Katie, we'll finish watching it another night. It's late, why not go to bed?"

    Katelyn hugged me nervously, burying her head in my stomach as James sighed uneasily. "It's alright, I'll go tuck her in and read her a few stories. She'll be fine in no time." He grinned, getting up off the couch and making me fall down onto where he'd been sitting. I propped myself up on my elbows, giving an exaggerated groan that got a few laughs from the two of them. Katelyn reached up for her father as he swung her into his arms, growling like a bear before raspberrying her in mid-air. She let out a screech of delight while trying to fight him off, screaming that she was too old for that sort of thing. I laughed before getting up and walking with them to her room.

    James walked in and laid her on the bed, tucking her in before going over to the bookshelf and asking what story she wanted to hear. "Snow White!" she yelled in delight. He grinned, grabbing the book off the shelf and pulling a chair from her desk over to the bed before sitting down to read it to her.

    "This could take a while," he said with a sigh to me, running a hand through his hair. "I told you we shouldn't have let her watch that movie. She'll still probably have nightmares."

    "Yeah, yeah, I screwed up, I'm sorry." I said resentfully, leaning against the doorway. "Never again, I promise."

    Katelyn looked between James and I uneasily, hiding her face under the covers. "It just... It just reminded me of stuff." She said softly. I could tell from the tone of her voice she was about to cry. As if I hadn't began feeling like total crap for letting her watch it already.

    "What do you mean, Katie?" James asked, concern evident on his face.

    "That's all that ever happens, Daddy." The tears were starting to form in the corners of her eyes. "The monster keeps coming into my room at night. He keeps talking to me. He keeps... coming back..."

    I walked over to her, my heart breaking at the thought of my movie choice making her imagination run wild. I knelt down next to the head of her bed, running my hand across her cheek before giving her a deep hug. "It's okay..." I cooed gently into her ear. "Mommy and Daddy are here. Nothing will get you. I promise."

    "But it always tells me it doesn't matter. It wants you guys here!" The desperation in her voice startled me. I always made her feel better. Always.

    "What do you mean, Katie? What exactly does it say?"

    A single tear rolled down her cheek.

    "It says it's hungry."

    ***

    "Are you sure she'll be okay?" I asked James uneasily in the hallway. I felt absolutely horrible about the entire thing. What parent would let her kid watch a movie when she'd been having nightmares, anyway?

    "Yeah, she'll be fine. Don't worry about it, Jess. Let's just not do it again. I'll be in after an hour or two at the most, I promise. It'll just take a few more stories to calm her down."

    "Alright. See you then, hun." I gave him a quick kiss before walking down the hallway, looking back over my shoulder as he marched into her room. His face lit up as he saw her, as always. I grinned as I walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind me and slipping under the covers of my warm bed. I stared out the window next to me into the winter night before wearily shifting my glance to the digital clock on my night stand.

    11 PM.

    I groaned, shoving my face into my pillow. I need to get up for work in 6 hours. Screw my life.

    ***

    I slowly awoke from my sleep by the feel of cold wind on my face. I growled to myself, cursing my husband under my breath for stealing the sheets as always. I remember feeling him come to bed around one, but was opening the window necessary? My blurry vision focused in on the digital clock again. 3:15 am. Crap. I thought to myself, squeezing my eyes shut. Today at work's gonna be hell. There's no way I'll make it all day without falling asleep. Maybe I'd better call in sick.

    "James...? Why'd you open the window? It's freezing in here!" I waited with my eyes closed for a reply, but there was none. "James!" I went to shove him with my hand, but only felt thin air and the mattress. For the love of god, if I have to close that window myself, he's a dead man. I reluctantly opened my eyes again. My vision was cloudy, but I could still barely make out the open door and hallway light. He must've gotten up to go the bathroom, I reasoned. I went to tug the sheets around me, giggling at the thought of how he'll react when he sees I stole all the sheets back from him. Maybe he should know what it feels like to have to deal with that winter breeze. As I tugged, the sheets ripped free of something at the end of my bed and as they did so I gasped. I hadn't realized my husband was still in the room after all. I looked at his figure, sitting at the end of the bed and staring down the hallway.

    "Hey, babe... Are you alright?" I said groggily, rubbing my eyes as I sat up. "...And why the hell did you open the window? I'm freezing." As my eyes slowly adjusted to the dark, I saw Katelyn's legs falling off to the side of his lap. I shook my head, scolding myself for saying 'hell' in her presence, before talking again. "What's the matter, did she end up having a bad dream again, James?" I gave a guilty sigh. "I'm so sorry. Katelyn, sweetie, are you okay? It was just a movie, I promise. You'll be fine." Poor thing... I thought to myself. She's been having nightmares for the last week and then her mom makes her watch a scary movie. Guess I'm not winning any "mother of the year" awards. I went to lay my hand on James's shoulder, but something stopped me in my tracks. My hands were bright red.

    I looked at them for a second, confused, then looked to see where the red had come from. My eyes slowly worked their way down to my lap, the sheet laying over me stained with red. "James...? What's on these sheets...?" My eyes then made their way across the bed, the thick, red substance pooling where James had been laying next to me. The sheets were ripped in places, and a single hand coming up from the floor laid on the side of the bed. A single hand with the wrist cut and a diamond ring on its finger. Realization and horror flooded over me. "James, what the hell is going on here?!" As I went to grab the man sitting at the edge of my bed, it was then that I saw its horrible figure. The way its back looked as if it had been broken three times, the way its head was facing upwards at a horrible angle. I grabbed it by the shoulder, touched the skin that felt strangely inhuman, and as it turned to me, I screamed in horror. Its eyes and skin were pure white, but its face was covered with blood, as if it had just been feeding. It looked at me with a surreal form of delight as it licked its lips, its tongue slowly moving over its pointed, bloody teeth. A deep gurgling sound arose from its throat as it turned back to my daughter, moving its face down towards her ear. "Don't you dare touch her!" I screamed, lunging towards the monster as quickly as I could in hopes to stop it from whatever it had planned. In a single, sudden motion, it then threw her to the ground and shot off towards the window on all fours, skidding to a halt and looking back over its shoulder at us. I could almost see a smile cross its face as it gave a deep growl before jumping out into the night.

    I sat there for a second, too terrified to scream, before my brain started to kick in. I ran to the window, slamming it down and locking it before closing the door. I then ran over to Katelyn and knelt down next to her, checking to see if she was okay before hugging her close to me and kissing her on the forehead. I looked around, panicked. Knowing what I had to do, I quickly turned on the lamp on the nightstand above us to see, then grabbed the home phone. Katelyn cried into my shoulder, mumbling something over and over again as I dialed 911. I forced back my tears and whispered to her that we're safe, that the police would be here soon enough, that everything would be okay.

    "It won't be okay, Mommy!" She cried into my shoulder as the sound of the phone ringing on the other side soothed my fears. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a foot twisted at a horrible angle peeking out from the other side of the bed. James... I thought to myself, a tear falling down my cheek. For the love of god, how could it have done that to him without waking me up?!

    "911 emergency, how may I help you?" A woman on the other side of the phone asked, ripping me from my thoughts.

    "Oh, thank god. Please- we need police here right now! My... My husband... He's..."

    "Mommy... It... It ate Daddy...It told me that-"

    "Ma'am, what about your husband? Ma'am?"

    I disregarded the operator for a second, looking down at my daughter, horrified. "It... It told you it ate Daddy? When did it tell you that...?"

    "No, Mommy... That's not what it told me. It..." She gave a horrified sob, burrowing her face into my chest.

    "Katelyn, what did it tell you?!" The lamp above us flickered off, coating the room with darkness as the phone in my hand went silent. A shiver ran down my spine as I stared at my daughter through the darkness. "Katelyn... Please... What did it tell you?" The door to the room slowly creaked open as low, gurgling noises came from outside.

    "Mommy... It told me that it was hungry and would be coming back with some friends."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Well, for my first horror-themed story, and my first one-shot ever, I feel like it sort of went alright... But I'm not sure. ;-; Hahah. Hope you all enjoyed it. Make sure to comment with your thoughts if you actually read the whole thing! ;DD Hahahah.
    Last edited by Dawn_Hero; 26th March 2011 at 7:15 PM.
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  2. #2
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    "Chilling." Tom said coldly.

    Sorry for the Swifty or whatever it is calle. Anyways, chilling, good set up, awesome twist, sad and scary. You only made one mistake I could see.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn_Hero
    Maybe that is why I love watching these sort of movies anymore.
    It should say either nowadaysor these days or something along those lines.

    9.7/10 I must say.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kissmygrass96 View Post
    It should say either nowadaysor these days or something along those lines.

    9.7/10 I must say.
    Hahahah, glad you enjoyed it. I went through and found a few more mistakes, so I fixed them all. As for the thing you mentioned, after reading it, it sounded better without that part entirely. I just cut it all out. :P Thanks for reading and leaving a review, I appreciate it quite a bit hahah.
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    Me scared. Good job. More friends lol. THough i do really prefer a happy ending to horror things.

    Everyone applaud for the future RL Stine (i loved him wen i was littleO.O)


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    Quote Originally Posted by milc546 View Post
    Me scared. Good job. More friends lol. THough i do really prefer a happy ending to horror things.

    Everyone applaud for the future RL Stine (i loved him wen i was littleO.O)
    Hahahah, thank you. :P This was just a little something I came up with after a few hours so I'm glad you liked it. It's always nice to hear some positive feedback. xD Oh, and thanks- I love RL Stine too. ;D Hahah.
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    Another delve into the non-pokemon fic section. Wendigo is a character in Megaten isn't it? Some sort of huge snow monster. I think we are thinking of different things.

    Your portrayal of the "monster" was great. You kept it vague enough for the reader to imagine what it looked like. To make it my definition of a terrifying monster is much more effective than to give me your idea of one and hope the reader envisioned it the same way.

    You seem to like writing from the perspective of a mother don't you? It's that maternal drive to protect and be with your children that made the horror of the story even more real.

    The line at the end was good and fitted with the young girls personality. In my opinion, the story would've been more shocking if they weren't watching a horror movie beforehand. It would have made the daughters "dreams" more foreboding.

    Great work, chilling and exciting.
    Lol.

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    Hey there

    I liked this, mainly the way the scenes are described with tremendous accuracy.

    Jess? James? Really? I don't assume they are named like that for a particular reason, It's just a funny coincidence.

    Despite the realness described, I lost the fear for the story towards the end of it. I don't know if it was the fact the mother scared the beast away, i think it would have been a lot more scarier if the beast had a little more time in the story.

    Nevertheless, the purpose was achieved, you scared me while reading this and i really enjoyed it.

    I really don't know how people just don't turn their eyes to this section; It's full of great work.

    Thanks for your time
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Another delve into the non-pokemon fic section. Wendigo is a character in Megaten isn't it? Some sort of huge snow monster. I think we are thinking of different things.
    It's actually a myth from Native American folklore. There's tons of different representations of it and it's managed to make it into a lot of different things like the show Charmed and games like World of Warcraft. It more than likely is in Megaten, but I've never played that game so I wouldn't know. D:

    You seem to like writing from the perspective of a mother don't you? It's that maternal drive to protect and be with your children that made the horror of the story even more real.
    Ahahah. I never thought about it, but yeah, I guess I've got a few mother POV stories on here, don't I? xD That's a funny coincidence I didn't even think of. Carol of The Bells isn't from a mother's perspective, though, so I guess that's the only story so far to really break that mold.

    The line at the end was good and fitted with the young girls personality. In my opinion, the story would've been more shocking if they weren't watching a horror movie beforehand. It would have made the daughters "dreams" more foreboding.

    Great work, chilling and exciting.
    Thank you very much. (: Yeah, I suppose that cutting out the horror movie would've made the end a far better twist, but I just felt that the way things were fit the story well the way I envisioned it. I feel it helps set up the rest of the story. Thanks so much for your review, moonlightning. I'm glad you enjoyed my first short story ever. xD Lol.

    EDIT: Wow, as soon as I posted you'd posted your review as well, RoflLuxray. xD

    Jess? James? Really? I don't assume they are named like that for a particular reason, It's just a funny coincidence
    Oh. My god. Hahahah. I never even realized that. xD That's absolutely hilarious. You're the first person ever to have noticed that. Now I'm never going to be able to stop thinking of Jesse and James raising a kid together and getting murdered. Wonderful.

    I liked this, mainly the way the scenes are described with tremendous accuracy.

    Despite the realness described, I lost the fear for the story towards the end of it. I don't know if it was the fact the mother scared the beast away, i think it would have been a lot more scarier if the beast had a little more time in the story.

    Nevertheless, the purpose was achieved, you scared me while reading this and i really enjoyed it.
    I'm sorry it didn't keep you scared all the way until the end. D: I'm glad it did for a little while, though. I guess the pause in action when the mother scared it off could probably ruin the mood. I'd just hoped to set up for the minor twist at the end. Maybe next time I'll keep you scared all the way through. :P Hahah.

    I really don't know how people just don't turn their eyes to this section; It's full of great work.
    You and me both. :/ Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story, though. I love hearing your feedback!
    Last edited by Dawn_Hero; 30th January 2011 at 2:16 AM.
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    "What, just because it's past her bedtime a little? She's in fourth grade, I was watching tons of scary movies when I was her age."
    The emboldened comma isn't necessary; a semicolon will suffice.
    "Snow white!" She yelled in delight.
    "White," being part of a proper noun, should be capitalized, and "she" should actually be lowercase. It's a common grammatical slipup to capitalize prounouns that follow dialogue because of exclamation marks or periods at the end of the dialogue. However, they are part of the same general phrase, and should be combined as such:
    "Snow White! she yelled in delight."
    It's a bit hard to explain, though.

    Also, when Katelyn addresses her parents, "Mommy" and "Daddy" should be capitalized, because unless preceded by a possessive noun or pronoun of some sort (my mommy, his mommy, et cetera), they are classified as proper nouns, and thus require capitalization (Hi, Mommy, are you there, Mommy, and so on).

    Ah, but I'm rambling on about grammar again.

    Your story is actually really good; I'm normally unaffected by creepypasta but this really did serve to get my pulse running a bit. Lol.

    I like the way you introduced the monster that was terrorizing poor Katelyn in an understandable and coherent fashion. Begun with a simple horror movie, and quickly progressing into something much more serious:
    Katelyn looked between James and I uneasily, hiding her face under the covers. "It just... It just reminded me of stuff."
    Excellent method of building up suspense.

    A few minor discrepancies:
    "That's all my dreams ever are, daddy." The tears were starting to form in the corners of her eyes. "The monster keeps coming into my room at night. He keeps talking to me. He keeps... coming back..."
    Great passage, but it sounds as if the monster only exists in her dreams in the first part, which contradicts the later event of the monster actually coming into the house.
    ""No, mommy... That's not what it told me. It..." She gave a horrified sob, burrowing her face into my chest.
    Caught an extra quotation mark.

    Overall, this was a well-written and enthralling one-shot. I loved it. Excellent characterization and plot progression, and urgh that monster is gross. Aaaaaand I probably won't be sleeping all that much tonight. XP
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    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Your story is actually really good; I'm normally unaffected by creepypasta but this really did serve to get my pulse running a bit. Lol.

    I like the way you introduced the monster that was terrorizing poor Katelyn in an understandable and coherent fashion. Begun with a simple horror movie, and quickly progressing into something much more serious:

    Overall, this was a well-written and enthralling one-shot. I loved it. Excellent characterization and plot progression, and urgh that monster is gross. Aaaaaand I probably won't be sleeping all that much tonight. XP
    Thanks so much for your outstanding review, GastlyMan. :P I'm really glad you enjoyed my story, and I took extra note of all the grammar mistakes you pointed out and I've fixed them in the story. I'm sorry that you weren't able to sleep much, but happy you thought it was actually somewhat scary. xD

    Thanks for reading and reviewing! I DEFINITELY appreciate it, especially when it's a one-shot in a section like this that gets next to no attention hahahah.
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    ...holy heck...

    I'm at college, in broad daylight, surrounded by people, listening to happy, peaceful music, and this STILL gives me chills. You better be proud of yourself. What a way to build up to the gruesome feeding of this... creature. Though why it wouldn't eat Katelyn is beyond me. I suppose it only talks to children?

    I'm surprised you haven't linked this in the Alternative Creepypastas thread, everyone there would love to read this (because we can't help ourselves). It's brilliant.

    Oh yeah, funny thing is I've been looking up the Slender Man a lot today. Creepy...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    ...holy heck...

    I'm at college, in broad daylight, surrounded by people, listening to happy, peaceful music, and this STILL gives me chills. You better be proud of yourself. What a way to build up to the gruesome feeding of this... creature. Though why it wouldn't eat Katelyn is beyond me. I suppose it only talks to children?

    I'm surprised you haven't linked this in the Alternative Creepypastas thread, everyone there would love to read this (because we can't help ourselves). It's brilliant.

    Oh yeah, funny thing is I've been looking up the Slender Man a lot today. Creepy...
    Forgive me; I didn't realize that once this was moved to the completed fics section that it could still get reviews here. xD I figured the entire thread was moved.

    Thanks so much for reading. :P This was the first short story I'd ever done in my entire life, not to mention my first horror story. I'm pleasantly surprised to see that it's actually making people freak out a bit. I may have to try my hand at another one in the future hahah. xD As for why it wouldn't eat Katelyn, well, it will. It was just taking its time talking to her after eating her dad, letting her know it was going to bring its friends to kill her and her mother. c: That doesn't scream mental trauma at all if she made it out alive. Lol.

    That's actually a good idea about linking this in the alternate creepypasta thread, though. o3o I think I might actually go do that hahah. Thanks for the suggestion! Also, omg, Slender Man is scary as hell. Lol.

    Thanks for the review, Kutie Pie! ;D I'm really glad you enjoyed it hahah.
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