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Thread: Dual Typing (Advanceshipping Oneshot, PG)

  1. #1
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    Default Dual Typing (Advanceshipping Oneshot, PG)

    DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN POKéMON.
    Anyone who would think that I do needs to use some common sense.

    Hello,
    This is my first completed oneshot. If you get past the unreasonably long exposition, you may even find attempts at humour. Please review, especially if you find grammatical errors. However, it takes much more than grammatical errors to take an Advanceshipper down. Take that, 5th gen.


    ----------

    A powerful yellow beam of energy shot directly at the tall, red dual Fire/Fighting-type Pokémon standing near the edge of the stage. Blaziken leaped up to avoid the Hyper Beam, somersaulting gracefully in mid-air and launching a spiral of brilliant orange fire at its opponent.

    “Great job, May! Nice combination with Fire Spin!” The cheering trainer dressed in travelling clothes almost leapt up from his seat as he intently watched the final Grand Festival battle. On the bed next to the trainer’s chair, a small yellow Electric Pokémon rolled over, bored.

    Pikachu couldn’t help but wonder why his trainer was cheering. This was the fourth time he had watched the recording of the battle, and he was already sure of the outcome. The Mouse Pokémon turned to the wall-mounted television again. On screen, the Blaziken’s coordinator, May, was wearing her usual outfit of a sleeveless orange shirt and dark blue cycling shorts, complemented by a green Poké Ball patterned bandanna that helped her brown hair maintain its inverted V shape. She smiled joyfully as she lifted the magnificent, gleaming Ribbon Cup being presented to her. However, as she put the large trophy down, the Grand Festival winner reached into her pocket and withdrew a small object that glimmered faintly. She glanced at it for a moment before placing it back into her pocket and waving to the cheering audience.

    “Attention, passengers. We are arriving in Pallet Town. Local time is 05:25. Please set your watches accordingly. Thank you for sailing with us.” As soon as the announcement ended, the television turned off automatically as well. The trainer stood up slowly, and Pikachu jumped onto his shoulder.

    “Come on, Pikachu, let’s go home,” he said excitedly as he picked up his own Unova League Championship trophy. Trainer and Pokémon stepped out of the cabin into a corridor, then up a flight of stairs onto the deck. A mild sea breeze swept over them, prompting both to pause at the railing. The ocean had been transformed into an infinite number of sparkling sapphires by the light of the sunrise.

    Hastily, the trainer descended the gangplank onto the dock. He yawned, as the journey home had taken three days. Unova was outside the range of the newer high-speed ferries, and he’d had to not only ride an older, slower long-range ferry, but also wake up at one-thirty every morning to watch live coverage of the Grand Festival, which was in a different time zone. Even though he wanted nothing more than to sleep, he managed to make it back to his own home without collapsing on the road.

    As he arrived at the cheerful red-roofed house, with Pikachu riding on his shoulder, a sudden squawk jerked him to attention. A winged Pokémon with light blue wingtips and a disproportionally large yellow beak landed in front of him. The Pelipper dropped a letter in front of him and flew off. The letter was addressed to Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town in a slightly slanted feminine script which he immediately recognised. Ash opened the letter quickly and scanned its contents.

    “Hey Pikachu, May’s having a celebration of her Grand Festival victory. I’m invited!” he exclaimed loudly. “We should-“

    Ash paused. Pikachu was looking at him slyly.

    “We should get going,” he said in a more moderate voice as he opened the door. In his own room, Ash piled the supplies and other objects that he did not need in the middle of the floor. Since neither his mother nor Mr. Mime were awake yet, Ash left a note taped to the kitchen door explaining where he was going and his intention to return in a few days. Then, he walked out the door toward his next destination.

    At Professor Oak’s lab, Ash was depositing the Pokémon that he had caught in the Unova region when a small green Grass Pokémon with a prominent bulb protruding from his back ran up to him.

    “Hey there, Bulbasaur, I’m going to Petalburg City for a few days-“Ash began, but Bulbasaur wrapped vines around Ash’s arm.

    “You want to go too, don’t you?” the trainer asked. “Actually, I think I’ll bring Swellow and the others too. They’ll want to visit their native region.” Bulbasaur nodded happily. Ash pressed a button on a Poké Ball, and Bulbasaur was returned inside. Using the PC storage system, Ash withdrew four other Poké Balls and clipped them to his belt. Since neither Professor Oak nor Gary were awake yet, Ash left a note taped to the computer screen explaining where he was going and which Pokémon he had taken with him.

    Pikachu thoroughly enjoyed the high-speed ferry ride, although it was obvious that his trainer didn’t, considering that his face had turned the colour of a Meganium and that he was now a more capable user of Sludge Bomb than his Muk. The trip to Petalburg City had taken a mere hour, and it was still only seven-thirty in western Hoenn. However, the ferry ride seemed to have cured Ash of his sleepiness and restored all of his usual energy. He arrived at the Petalburg Gym quickly, taking a brief glance at the imposing structure before knocking on the door.

    The large doors burst open immediately, flattening Ash and Pikachu against the wall.

    “Sorry,” apologised a young boy wearing glasses and clad in a green shirt and black shorts as Ash and Pikachu recovered.

    “That hurt, Max,” Ash replied, wincing from the pain. He followed Max inside and into the house which was connected to the gym. Max was excitedly explaining about how he would turn ten next week and receive his first Pokémon.

    “I think I’ll probably choose Treecko, but having seen May’s Blaziken battle, I kind of want a Torchic as well. Wait, maybe I should choose Mudkip instead!” Ash had no idea what to say to that. They reached the kitchen, where the scent of breakfast overcame Ash’s sense of smell. There were three other people in the kitchen already, only one of whom Ash knew. It was May and Max’s mother, Caroline, who was wearing her usual orange and brown dress. The other woman was almost indiscernibly shorter than Caroline, and wore a similarly cut dress that was light blue. Her hair was a darker brown, and longer and straighter than Caroline’s. The boy sitting at the table was about Ash’s age. He was dressed in travelling clothes: a black-accented red jacket, black trousers, and an odd hat that appeared to be the combination of a headband and several white spiky protrusions that were nonetheless very soft.

    “Ash, this is my Aunt Kate,” Max indicated the other woman, “and this is my cousin, Brendan.” He indicated the boy with the weird hat.

    “Hey, I saw you battle in the Unova League!” Brendan said immediately, sitting up straight. “Wasn’t your name Alf or something?”

    “It’s ASH!” Ash shouted furiously as Max snickered behind him, “and I WON the Unova League!” Brendan recoiled, slightly shocked at the outburst.

    “Why don’t you send your Pokémon out in the gym, Ash?” Caroline suggested. “I’m sure they would want to play around outside their Poké Balls for a while.” Ash complied with the suggestion and walked into the large battle room.

    May was standing there, surrounded by all of her Pokémon. Ash stopped instantly, remembering the reason he came here.

    “Hey there, May,” he said loudly. The trainer’s voice echoed around the room. “I watched all of your Contest matches live… at one-thirty in the morning…” The fatigue had crept into his voice again. He released the five Pokémon that were kept in Poké Balls, and Pikachu jumped off his shoulder to join them.

    “Come on, Ash, you look tired,” May said in a concerned tone, “Let’s go eat breakfast.” She and Ash walked out of the battle room toward the kitchen.

    “(Hey, you know Ash’s been watching all of May’s matches, don’t you?)” Pikachu announced to the coordinator’s Pokémon.

    “(Well,)” Blaziken replied, “(May watched all the Unova League battles as well.)”

    “(So?)” said Swellow questioningly, “(He was her mentor. It’s natural that she would want to watch him battle and learn from his strategies.)” Sceptile slapped him.

    “(Are you just as dense as he is?)” the Forest Pokémon demanded.

    “(What?)” answered Swellow, now even more confused.

    “(May likes Ash!)” squealed Glaceon excitedly, “(Almost as much as I like Pikachu!)” She moved closer to the Electric-type.

    “(Glaceon is in love with Pikachu!)” Corphish taunted loudly enough for all of the others to hear. Before Glaceon could react, a pair of Pokémon walked over to the group. One was clearly a Grass-type with white fur that covered most of his body and face, and three broad leaves on each hand. The other was taller and bulkier, sheathed from the three horns on his forehead to the tip of his powerful tail in gleaming metallic armour in various shades of grey.

    “(Having trouble with love? We’re here to help! I’m Shiftry,)” said the Grass-type enthusiastically.

    “(And I’m Aggron. Welcome to ‘The Aggron and Shiftry Show’,)” stated his counterpart.

    “(Hang on,)” interrupted Shiftry, “(I thought it was ‘The Shiftry and Aggron Show’?)”

    “(No, that implies that you’re more important,)” replied Aggron.

    “(But I am,)” Shiftry insisted.

    “(Shut up or I’ll Dynamicpunch you,)” the Iron Armor Pokémon said threateningly. “(Anyway, who needs relationship help today?)”

    “(Wait,)” demanded Pikachu, “(Where did you come from?)”

    “(We’re Brendan’s Pokémon,)” Aggron explained. Pikachu nodded in understanding.

    “(May likes Ash!)” declared Skitty boldly.

    “(Of course May likes Ash! They’re friends, aren’t they?)” exclaimed Swellow.

    “(You idiot!)” Sceptile said loudly, almost shouting. “(Have you not realised anything? You’re even worse than Ash!)”

    “(Well,)” said Shiftry nervously, “(Once you can all agree on the issue, we’ll have our specialists help you!)” He indicated the other members of Brendan’s team, relaxing on the other side of the gym.

    “(We need to know whether Ash shares May’s feelings,)” Blaziken said wisely. Sceptile laughed.

    “(Even if he does,)” the Forest Pokémon remonstrated, “(He doesn’t know how to express them.)” Pikachu began to explain the significance of Ash’s staying up to watch the Grand Festival, but the Iron Armor Pokémon interrupted him.

    “(That’s what we’re here for,)” Aggron pointed out. “(Hang on a second.)” He motioned to Shiftry, who sprinted across the room and returned, followed by another Pokémon. Its head was wide and supported two black fins on the top, as well as star-shaped protrusions on both sides. The Pokémon’s powerful arms supplanted its massive black tail fin for underwater propulsion.

    “(This is Swampert, our strategic specialist,)” announced Shiftry to the group. “(He’ll help you find a way to determine whether Ash likes May back.)”

    “(Hey! I specialise in battle strategy, not relationship strategy!)” Swampert complained. “(What do you think I spent all that time in the Battle Tower for? Wait! What are you doing? Come back!)” It was too late, as Aggron and Shiftry had already left. The Mud Fish Pokémon looked around. Ash and May’s Pokémon were all looking at him expectantly...

    “(So, um, we can find out if he’s willing to spend time with her or not?)” Swampert said tentatively. The other Pokémon agreed. “(Okay,)” he continued, improvising, and paused for a moment to consider his options. “(Here’s my plan...)”

    The Pokémon were concealed under one of the gym’s open windows. Ash and May had finished breakfast and were sitting on the gym’s front steps with their backs facing the windows, sharing stories of their adventures.

    “(This’ll never work,)” groaned Sceptile, “(Even Swellow would know that.)” This time, it was Swellow who slapped Sceptile.

    “(Quiet,)” Swampert ordered. He formed a small sphere of brown water in one hand and launched it out the window. It ricocheted off a tree and struck Ash in the side, splattering mud all over his clothes. Some of it even splashed onto May’s shirt.

    “Ugh!” May screamed. “How did that happen?” Ash shrugged. May glanced at his mud-covered clothes. “We should get you fresh clothes,” she said. “I know! We’ll go shopping!”

    “Um, I’m not so sure, May. I think I’d rather...” Ash trailed off upon seeing the disappointed look on the coordinator’s face. There was a short, awkward pause.

    Suddenly, Shiftry dropped from the ceiling next to Swampert. Still concealed, he directed a small, invisible shock wave of air that struck Ash in the back of the head, momentarily stunning him.

    “Are you sure you don’t want to come, Ash? It’ll be fun,” May pleaded in a slightly hurt voice. Ash was still somewhat confused by Shiftry’s Fake Out.

    “Sure,” he answered dazedly. May’s disappointed expression suddenly turned into a joyful one. She grabbed the trainer’s hand and pulled him up, which brought him completely back to his senses. Then, Ash realised what had just agreed to do.

    “Wait, I’m not...” he didn’t finish the sentence, as May placed a finger across his lips.

    “(Thanks,)” Pikachu acknowledged to Swampert and Shiftry as he jumped out the window to accompany his trainer. Glaceon followed him.

    “(Shopping?)” the Grass-type asked Swampert. “(You do know what you’re doing, don’t you?)”

    “(Of course not,)” Swampert replied, “(You got me into this.)” He blasted Shiftry with a full power Muddy Water before going back to where he had been sleeping before.

    ----------

    Brendan was briefly checking his Pokémon, whom he had left in the gym’s battle room for a day off from training. On his way out, he noticed a note from May taped to the door, explaining about her going shopping with Ash.

    “Poor guy,” he remarked to himself, “He just won the Unova League, too.”

    ----------

    “(So, now that we’ve determined that Ash likes May as well,)” explained Aggron, “(We’ll need to get Ash do something to show his love for May. Here’s our motivation specialist, Salamence!)” He indicated the sleek blue Dragon-type Pokémon that was standing next to Shiftry. Six pointed, swept-back strakes surrounded the back of her head, and she possessed a pair of blade-like curved red wings in addition to a powerful tail.

    “(When I was still a Bagon and Shelgon, all I wanted to do was to fly, and now I can! If you have the motivation, you can do anything!)” she declared happily. “(Let’s do this! Who’s with me?)” Sceptile, Blaziken, Swellow, Beautifly, and Corphish volunteered.

    “(Wait, where’s Bulbasaur?)” asked Torkoal randomly.

    “(Where’s Venusaur?)” asked Skitty. Corphish was about to open his mouth to speak, but was interrupted.

    “(Over there,)” said Sceptile indifferently. “(Bulbasaur’s trying to show that he doesn’t need to evolve to be strong.)” Bulbasaur was lifting the much more massive Venusaur with his vines.

    “(Show-off,)” said Blaziken, smirking.

    With Corphish riding on Swellow, Salamence and Beautifly flying, and Sceptile and Blaziken leaping on rooftops, the group of Pokémon quickly found Ash and May. Ash was struggling with the weight of many shopping bags, Pikachu, and Glaceon; he did not look happy at all. May, meanwhile, appeared to be enjoying her shopping trip fully as she continued to tease Ash on his lack of fashion sense. Ash decided that he needed a break, and collapsed onto a bench. May sat down next to him.

    The Pokémon were observing from the rooftop of an adjacent building.

    “(This is the perfect moment,)” Salamence affirmed cheerfully, “(To make something happen.)” Beautifly swooped down unnoticed and launched a Gust attack. May was pushed sideways into Ash, who became sandwiched between the coordinator and the pile of shopping bags.

    “What was that?” May asked curiously even as she turned away to hide her blush. Ash just shrugged.

    “(Come on, we have to try harder,)” encouraged Salamence. She concentrated on the ground below the bench, and for a second, it quaked violently. The bench broke in two in the middle; Ash slid off and landed on the ground. A second later, May slid off her side and landed on top of him.

    “(That’s more like it,)” Blaziken said, nodding her approval.

    “(I don’t get it,)” replied Swellow, “(What’s that supposed to do?)” No one answered him, as they were observing Ash and May’s reactions. Ash tried to get up first and help May up, but he accidently destabilised the pile of shopping bags, which collapsed on top of him. May then got up herself, grabbed Ash’s hand, and pulled him out from under the bags.

    “(This isn’t working,)” said Sceptile as he shook his head. He whispered a plan to Corphish and Salamence, both of whom nodded. The Forest Pokémon dropped down from the building and unnoticed, concealed himself behind the cart of two unsuspecting street vendors. One of them had straight blue hair, while the other had extravagantly long purple hair that managed to hold its odd curved shape independently. Sceptile grabbed a box of chocolates from the cart and leaped up into a tree above Ash.

    Salamence launched a brilliant stream of orange flames at a nearby garbage receptacle, which caught fire instantly. While Ash and May were distracted, Corphish fired a short Bubblebeam at his trainer. The multicoloured bubbles stunned Ash for a moment, during which Sceptile dropped the box of chocolates onto his head and leapt away. The box’s impact cleared Ash’s head, and he managed to catch the box before it fell to the ground.

    “What the...” the trainer was completely baffled that a box of chocolates had just fallen from the sky. However, After May had ordered Glaceon to put out the fire with Ice Beam, she turned around to see Ash holding the box of chocolates.

    “Wow, Ash. Is that for me?” she asked, blushing and giggling simultaneously. Ash couldn’t decide what to say.

    “Um, sure?” the trainer answered hesitantly. “We can, um, share them, I suppose.” May pulled him into a tight hug. Ash really didn’t know what to do now.

    “(Chocolate tastes good,)” Swellow remarked from his position on the rooftop. “(I wonder if he’ll get all of us some.)” Sceptile and Corphish both slapped him before they returned to the gym to report their success.

    “(We’ll return to ‘The Aggron and Shiftry Show’ after this message from our sponsors,)” Aggron explained after listening to Salamence’s account of events.

    “(We don’t have any sponsors,)” Shiftry pointed out.

    “(Right,)” Aggron continued, unfazed. “(Finally, we’ll help Ash and May admit their feelings to each other. Meet our psychological specialist, Gardevoir!)” An elegant Psychic-type quickly Teleported from the other side of the battle room to stand in front of Ash and May’s Pokémon. A light green crest curved around the back of her head, and her slender arms were of the same green colour. She appeared to be wearing a floor-length white dress, and red blade-like fins protruded from her chest and back.

    “(I am Gardevoir,)” she said, introducing herself. “(Come along so we can get this over with.)” Forming an X shape with her crossed arms, she Teleported herself and the other Pokémon, disappearing into thin air. However, Shiftry was left behind.

    “(Hey, what gives?)” he complained.

    “(You’re part Dark-type,)” Swampert shouted from the other end of the room, “(Psychic-type moves like Teleport do not affect you.)” Shiftry groaned.

    Gardevoir and the other Pokémon she had Teleported materialised behind the cover of some bushes in a small park. There was a very low hill, about one meter high, near the bubbling fountain in the centre of the park. A single Cheri Berry tree stood atop the hill, its vibrant powder blue blooms flourishing in Hoenn’s mild weather.

    Suddenly, Pikachu entered the park, chased by Glaceon. He ran up the hill and lay down next to the Cheri tree. Unfortunately for him, Glaceon lay down comfortably next to him. Their trainers, who had been walking at a normal pace, came in slightly later and sat down under the shade of that same tree.

    “(Wait and see,)” Gardevoir said contentedly, making sure to stay concealed. There was no one else in sight. May moved closer to Ash and placed her hand upon his. Ash made no movement to counter it, but also did not say anything. There was an awkward silence.

    “(He’s not going to do anything!)” remarked Corphish in disgust, “(Why didn’t we anticipate this?)”

    “(I did,)” contradicted Gardevoir. Her eyes glowed blue for a moment. An empty Poké Ball fell out of Ash’s bag with a plop and rolled down the hill. Wearily, he got up to retrieve it. While both their backs were turned, Gardevoir decided to take action.

    “(So he is as dense as you claim,)” the Embrace Pokémon muttered to Sceptile, “(I’ll just have to use more creative means.)” She crossed her arms to form an X shape again, but this time both her arms glowed bright yellow. Sceptile recognised the attack almost instantly, but wasn’t fast enough to raise a protest. A jagged bolt of electricity arced through the air from Gardevoir’s arms, striking May, who was getting up. As Gardevoir wasn’t an Electric-type Pokémon, her Thunderbolt was inherently weaker than Pikachu’s, and it was not used often in battle, so it was not nearly as powerful as her Psychic or Focus Blast. Nonetheless, it was effective in making May temporarily dazed. As she was about to lose her balance, Ash ran back up the hill and caught her. He stood under the tree’s blue flowers, supporting May.

    “What is going on today?” the trainer muttered to himself and sighed. “Why does stuff like this keep happening?”

    Gardevoir’s eyes glowed blue again. May recovered instantly and found herself slumping, yet being supported by Ash. She looked up into his face and their eyes met. Quickly standing up, the coordinator pulled the trainer into a tight embrace. As they pulled apart, May gave Ash a light kiss and pulled him down. They sat, leaning against the tree and under the shade of its splendid blossoms. Gardevoir’s eyes glowed blue once again, and the pair fell asleep, May’s head resting on Ash’s shoulder.

    “(That’s what you were going for the whole time?)” Swellow exclaimed. “(That would’ve been easy to accomplish!)” Sceptile slapped him so hard that he fell over. A split second later, the group had been Teleported back to the gym.

    “(Another success! Job well done, everyone!)” Shiftry commended as the other Pokémon reappeared in the Petalburg Gym’s battle room. Torkoal immediately began to cry tears of joy.

    “(That was our only success,)” replied Aggron. Shiftry’s face fell.

    “(What about that green-haired idiot who called himself a coordinator and his hyperactive fangirl?)” the Wicked Pokémon asked.

    “(That doesn’t count,)” his counterpart replied. “(Swampert and I froze them together using Ice Beam.)”

    “(Oh,)” Shiftry inexplicably grinned again. “(At least I showed that stupid Roserade how a real Grass Pokémon fights.)”

    “(Yes, that last Seed Bomb was a nice touch,)” Aggron conceded. “(But Salamence’s victory over his Flygon was more impressive.)” Meanwhile, Ash and May’s Pokémon were celebrating together as they waited for their trainers to return. Sceptile, however, had one question...

    “(Where did we leave Pikachu?)” he asked Blaziken curiously.

    “(With Glaceon,)” she replied casually. Sceptile shivered. “(It’ll be fun for at least one of them,)” reassured the Blaze Pokémon.

  2. #2
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    Well, I thought this was really cute. I think the best romance fics have elements of comedy in them.

    I gotta admit, I enjoyed the first part of the story much more than the second part. There were a lot of great moments early on that established how Ash felt about May that were clear, but wonderfully understated. The fact that Ash went without sleep to watch May's festival match because they were in different time zones spoke volumes to his devotion to her. And the sly look from Pikachu followed by Ash modulating his tone was spot on. All these are great examples of showing and not telling.

    I think a lot of this subtlety got lost when the Pokemon started talking. Not only that, but the fact that much of the focus is moved from Ash and May to them causes the fic also to lose some of the intimacy that would come from their more personal interactions. Instead the reader becomes much more of an outsider to the couple. And the feeling that the Pokemon are match-making a little too manipulatively I think weakens some of the strength the two had as a couple earlier in the piece.

    Another thing that I noticed was the descriptions. There are a few examples of this, but the one that I first noticed was: "May, was wearing her usual outfit of a sleeveless orange shirt and dark blue cycling shorts, complemented by a green Poké Ball patterned bandanna that helped her brown hair maintain its inverted V shape." A lot of fanfics feel the need to include descriptions like this, and I've never really seen the point. Outfit/Physical descriptions of characters when the reader already knows what they look like/what they usual wear seem a little redundant. I'm not knocking descriptions in general, I just feel that if you changed your focus you could really jazz up some of your descriptions. Instead of trying to accurately convey the image as if you wanted someone to draw it, I think it's better to use description as an opportunity to highlight the psychology of the character and the feeling of the scene/person. Using words with strong connotations can help. In short, the best character descriptions describe the character internally as well as externally.

    And I'd be really psyched to see how you could take up that challenge. It's obvious to me that you've got a good flow and have the ability to stamp your pieces with a lot of personality. This line really displays that:

    "Pikachu thoroughly enjoyed the high-speed ferry ride, although it was obvious that his trainer didn’t, considering that his face had turned the colour of a Meganium and that he was now a more capable user of Sludge Bomb than his Muk."

    Well-controlled use of language, subtle, and quite funny. It's a great sentence.

    This is quite impressive for your first completed oneshot. I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future

  3. #3
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    Awesome job, Swampert! Yeah, there were a few grammar mistakes, but don't be too worried about it. They didn't take away from the overall story. Usually I'm not a guy who likes a lot of slapstick, but you pulled it off very nicely! Maybe Swellow got too many slaps across the beak, but no worries. I feel like you could've drawn out the tree scene a little longer, maybe around the embrace. They could've said some things to each other, but I still liked how it played out.

    Skiyomi did point out a lot of things in that post. I agree that the first half was much more subtle, but I think you intended it to be a dramatic change from human interactions to Pokemon interactions. And besides! Pokemon dialog has always been a challenge. Whenever I write, I always spare the language because it's awkward to note with parenthesis and italics, and maybe in some ways entirely unnecessary. You did a fine job of it.

    Humor? Oh man. I actually laughed! To think that a box of chocolates falling from the sky would get the two of them together? Priceless. Write some more! I'd love to read it.
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skiyomi View Post
    Well, I thought this was really cute. I think the best romance fics have elements of comedy in them.

    I gotta admit, I enjoyed the first part of the story much more than the second part. There were a lot of great moments early on that established how Ash felt about May that were clear, but wonderfully understated. The fact that Ash went without sleep to watch May's festival match because they were in different time zones spoke volumes to his devotion to her. And the sly look from Pikachu followed by Ash modulating his tone was spot on. All these are great examples of showing and not telling.

    I think a lot of this subtlety got lost when the Pokemon started talking. Not only that, but the fact that much of the focus is moved from Ash and May to them causes the fic also to lose some of the intimacy that would come from their more personal interactions. Instead the reader becomes much more of an outsider to the couple. And the feeling that the Pokemon are match-making a little too manipulatively I think weakens some of the strength the two had as a couple earlier in the piece.
    Thank you for your detailed review, Skiyomi. One of the problems you identified here, a loss of subtlety, is really due to the fact that I have two distinct, conflicting writing styles: too much subtlety or none at all. I was interested in which would get a better reception from readers; apparently, subtlety had the greater impact (rather ironic), and I will keep that in mind in future. I have to admit, though, that writing the Pokémon dialogue was quite enjoyable. Then again, the first half was just as enjoyable to write as the second.

    Quote Originally Posted by Skiyomi View Post
    Another thing that I noticed was the descriptions. There are a few examples of this, but the one that I first noticed was: "May, was wearing her usual outfit of a sleeveless orange shirt and dark blue cycling shorts, complemented by a green Poké Ball patterned bandanna that helped her brown hair maintain its inverted V shape." A lot of fanfics feel the need to include descriptions like this, and I've never really seen the point. Outfit/Physical descriptions of characters when the reader already knows what they look like/what they usual wear seem a little redundant. I'm not knocking descriptions in general, I just feel that if you changed your focus you could really jazz up some of your descriptions. Instead of trying to accurately convey the image as if you wanted someone to draw it, I think it's better to use description as an opportunity to highlight the psychology of the character and the feeling of the scene/person. Using words with strong connotations can help. In short, the best character descriptions describe the character internally as well as externally.

    And I'd be really psyched to see how you could take up that challenge. It's obvious to me that you've got a good flow and have the ability to stamp your pieces with a lot of personality. This line really displays that:

    "Pikachu thoroughly enjoyed the high-speed ferry ride, although it was obvious that his trainer didn’t, considering that his face had turned the colour of a Meganium and that he was now a more capable user of Sludge Bomb than his Muk."

    Well-controlled use of language, subtle, and quite funny. It's a great sentence.

    This is quite impressive for your first completed oneshot. I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future
    You also bring up an interesting point regarding character descriptions. Previously I had believed that through descriptions were essential to this type of fic because many of the better shipping fics I have read did contain such physical descriptions. However, your advice to use words with strong connotations caught my attention, as it is something that I have been rather ignorant of when writing. I'll do my best to implement that.

    Quote Originally Posted by lunarshadow View Post
    Awesome job, Swampert! Yeah, there were a few grammar mistakes, but don't be too worried about it. They didn't take away from the overall story. Usually I'm not a guy who likes a lot of slapstick, but you pulled it off very nicely! Maybe Swellow got too many slaps across the beak, but no worries. I feel like you could've drawn out the tree scene a little longer, maybe around the embrace. They could've said some things to each other, but I still liked how it played out.
    Sorry, I have an inclination toward perfectionism, so I really don't like grammatical errors. Also, I didn't want the romantic elements to be too overpowering, but I suppose that having some dialogue there would have been beneficial.

    Quote Originally Posted by lunarshadow View Post
    Skiyomi did point out a lot of things in that post. I agree that the first half was much more subtle, but I think you intended it to be a dramatic change from human interactions to Pokemon interactions. And besides! Pokemon dialog has always been a challenge. Whenever I write, I always spare the language because it's awkward to note with parenthesis and italics, and maybe in some ways entirely unnecessary. You did a fine job of it.
    You're overestimating my competence. I was aware that I was making a major change of style midway through; however, I did not intend to do that to enhance the story. As I said before, it was really to see which readers would like better. I just hope that the transition wasn't too abrupt.

    Quote Originally Posted by lunarshadow View Post
    Humor? Oh man. I actually laughed! To think that a box of chocolates falling from the sky would get the two of them together? Priceless. Write some more! I'd love to read it.
    Is that...sarcasm...or a serious comment? I'm not really sure...

    Anyway, I appreciate the reviews and the encouragement. Expect improvement (and subtlety) next time!
    Last edited by swampert55; 27th December 2010 at 1:11 AM.

  5. #5
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    I laughed the whole way through, this is really cute and fun and funny! Thank you!

  6. #6
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    Swampert! I didn't know your here as well. i find out these things late. i live under a rock. Well like the others have said, this would have to one of the great fics with the mixtuxe of romance and comedy i've read. Both genres blend so well. I think i can't make this review any longer since the main parts have already been stated.

    I'm a big fan of your work and i'm glad to read some more of your wonderful work. This is a lovely oneshot, very cute, romantic and funny.

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