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Thread: My Silent Song (One-Shot)

  1. #1
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    Default My Silent Song (One-Shot)

    Well, I've been popping out a few One-Shots in the past month and I've really begun to enjoy them, but none were Pokemon-related so they didn't garner much attention. I realized that it would actually be really fun to try a Pokemon-themed one shot, though, and thought that using one showing the point of view of an obscure video game character could be fun. So, after a few hours work, here it goes. I hope you enjoy it.


    My Silent Song

    The years had truly flown by.

    It seemed like it was just yesterday that my only child left me. It started off innocently- Professor Oak had been looking for him, but he had been asleep. I had sent him off to see what he wanted...

    He never came back.

    I sit here in this chair watching the television, hearing of his accomplishments, and I can't help but cry. Why did he ever leave me like this? Years have passed, and as he accomplishes more and more on his quest more people show up to see the house he grew up in. See the sights he saw as a child. See the mother he left behind. They ask if he has a phone number they can use to reach him, and I reply that I don't have it. They ask where he is so that they could battle him, and I reply that I don't know where he went. I'd begun to despise them, begun to hate them for bringing him up to me so nonchalantly.

    Occasionally a person will judge me for not knowing anything about my child, but how is it my fault? I'd tried so hard to get a hold of him. I remember meeting Blue on the streets of Pallet and asking him if he'd seen my darling boy. I could feel the tears in my eyes, hear them seeping into my voice, but as I always did when it came to my son, I fought them off and maintained composure talking of him. Blue had simply gazed at me uninterestedly and let me know that he hadn't seen my darling Red in ages. I asked him to tell Red to come visit me if he ever saw him again. Blue simply walked away with a nod of his head. I had tried so hard to hide my sorrow, hide my pale face and the way I wobbled so weakly, but I could tell he had taken notice of it. The fact he saw through my disguise was like a knife in my side.

    I lost the chance to hear my child grow up. See him for myself as an adult. Hear his voice calling for his mother or the sound of his feet on the carpet. I only hear of him from trainers he defeated, see him through pictures in magazines. He goes through such dangerous journeys... Doesn't he know that I love him? Doesn't he know I don't want him to sacrifice himself like that?

    Doesn't he know that I want him back home?

    He was all I had left in this world, and now I sit here day by day hoping he'll finally return. As days went by, I maintained composure. As weeks went by, I began to worry. As months flew by, I began to slowly decay. I should have known he would leave me all alone.

    I've lost track of the years it's been, but I'll never forget anything about my only son. I can still see him as a child before his father had left, before my illness came, running through the fields of Pallet with a smile on his face and a stick in his hand. I suppose it really is true that there's no love like a mother's love. It was a wonderful, horrible thing being so attached to a single person in this life. I'd discovered that the hard way, yet I'd never abandoned the love I had for my child. He has and always will have my heart.

    Today the door opened yet again. I had gazed up eagerly, hoping beyond hope that it was my child coming back to me after all these years. My hopes faded as a young boy walked in hoping to see my darling boy, and I had told him that I had no information on him. The boy seemed irritated with my lack of knowledge, and I couldn't help but feel the same. As he left I began to cough yet again, feeling the deep pain in my stomach and chest as drops of blood dotted my hands. I had stared at it numbly, remembering the trip to the doctor's office. I don't have much more time... I had thought to myself with a sigh. All I need is my son. I don't care what happens to me, so long as I finally see him one last time.

    I could feel my strength fade gently, forcing me to lay my head down on the table in front of me. I continued to cough, but I was too weak. I had to prepare myself to sit up and pretend that everything was okay if someone else were to walk in. If my son were to walk in. I couldn't let him see me like this...

    I began to cough again into my arms, no longer making any sound as I did so. My silent song of misery, I thought to myself with a sad laugh, about a mother trapped in her own nightmare. My eyes were beginning to go in and out of focus as blood trickled down my chin, but I no longer cared anymore. I had stopped taking my medicine weeks ago. Bound to sing for all these trainers praise of a boy that had abandoned me years ago. Bound to sing for them, a worthless mother. I silently stared across the table at a picture of my darling boy years before he'd left. He was so sweet. So innocent. I could feel the tears coming to my eyes yet again.

    Why did you have to leave me all alone?

    I gave another silent cough, the pain in my chest intensifying as a pang of horror flooded me. I could feel the life slowly draining out of my body. I... I can't die like this, I thought to myself sadly, over a table in an empty house. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I stared at the picture of my son, breathing becoming harder every second. I could feel myself fading away, my vision blurring and slowly fading as I continued to cough silently and let the blood trickle past my lips. I... I have to see you... I can't let it end like this. I slowly reached my hand out for the picture, gently wrapping my hands around the frame and pulling it towards me. I just... Needed to look at you one last time.

    I could hardly see any longer, my vision clouded by tears and the creeping hands of death. All I could see was your smiling face. Hear your gentle laugh. Feel your soft hands in mine one last time. I gave a silent sob as I accepted my fate. Accepted the way my life will now end.

    As my vision began to cloud, I could still barely make out the sight of the door opening as my darling boy walked into the house for the first time in years. I could still barely hear his voice as he yelled out for his mother, worry and horror seeping into his voice. I could still barely hear the sound of his feet as he rushed over to me.

    As the world around me slowly faded away into nothingness and death took me for its own, I couldn't help but smile as my only wish in life was finally granted and I was able to hold my son once more.

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Well, there it is. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm not sure if I truly like the way I presented some parts of this story, but I feel the end it wasn't too terribly horrible. Maybe. Hahah. This is probably my least favorite one-shot I've done and it's too short for my taste, but it had been an idea I've wanted to work with for several months so I figured I should still do it. Either way, thank you for reading and if you did actually read through it, feel free to leave a post with opinions/criticism etc. Any feedback whatsoever is appreciated.
    Last edited by Dawn_Hero; 2nd January 2011 at 8:47 PM.
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  2. #2
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    I could imagine someone feeling that way, awful thing to have to endure. But anyway it's a brilliantly written story. I like the progression of her illness until the climax and I like the ending. Seems a bit ambiguous to me though. His mother could have had a hallucination at the end, like a sort of near-death induced hallucination, but obviously that would be just cruel. The vocabulary used is harsh and negative: eg lost, dangerous, decay, fade... and that helps to create a depressing atmosphere.

    Hope you write another, it doesn't have to be the same topic but I like your writing style.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by BrutalZ View Post
    His mother could have had a hallucination at the end, like a sort of near-death induced hallucination, but obviously that would be just cruel. The vocabulary used is harsh and negative: eg lost, dangerous, decay, fade... and that helps to create a depressing atmosphere.
    It's always fun to give people something that could have multiple interpretations. I was wondering if someone would catch on to that. It doesn't necessarily have to be a hallucination, but the main point is that it's possible it was hahah. xD It'd be totally horrible if it was, but the choice is up to you to know if it was or not. Thank you for reading and reviewing, means a lot. :3 I'm glad you enjoyed the story hahah.

    Hope you write another, it doesn't have to be the same topic but I like your writing style.
    Thanks, it's always nice to hear someone likes your writing style. I have another two one-shots linked in my sig but they aren't exactly Pokemon-related. Regardless, thanks for reading and reviewing, BrutalZ. Hahah.
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    Wow...

    This was intense. You did a really good job of relaying the feelings in this story. Really interesting topic to write about; out of all of the topics and areas the Pokemon world and its trainers, you choose to write about Red's mom. Not Red, his mom.

    And the way you delivered the story, it was perfect. You could almost feel the emotion presented. The whole thign was really believable. What mother would not feel how she felt about her son disappearing like that?

    It's funny, because I'm currently toying with a couple ideas about a Red one-shot too. Your story could definitely help add some texture to my story!

    So anyways, really good story! I really liked it. Your writing style intrigues me, I'll probably start checking out your other Pokemon fic soon. Good luck with your writing!

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  5. #5
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    but as I always did when it came to my son, I fought them off and maintained composure talking of him.
    I can't help but feel "composure talking of him" is a bit awkward. Would "while talking about him" be better?

    [I]I don't have much more time...[I]I had thought to myself with a sigh.
    Formatting error.

    I enjoyed it. While it did sometimes lean toward the cliche/melodramatic side (the single tear, the coughing up of blood to indicate sickness), it was a powerful story. The emotions from the mother were strong and quite believable, though I wish you explored a wider arrange of emotion. Sadness and hope were illustrated beautifully, but I feel you could have done something wonderful if you explored her character while she was angry about Red not visiting. Or denial. Or having her trying to reason out why Red hasn't visited her in such a long time.

    Overall, a nice read. Well done.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by NACHOE! View Post
    Really interesting topic to write about; out of all of the topics and areas the Pokemon world and its trainers, you choose to write about Red's mom. Not Red, his mom.
    Hahah, thank you. I've read several one-shots in Pokemon, and I've discovered that the ones that always interested me most weren't the ones of Red, Blue, Gold, or Silver, but of minor characters and their story you never stopped to really think about. If I remember correctly, Umbreon_Master did an amazing one-shot of Daisy and her struggles with Professor Oak because of how he treats her brother. Those just seem to intrigue me the most hahah.

    So anyways, really good story! I really liked it. Your writing style intrigues me, I'll probably start checking out your other Pokemon fic soon. Good luck with your writing!
    It's funny you mention that, because I was just getting ready to go through and edit/update all four chapters of that one and then start continuing it hahah. Hopefully you enjoy it as much as you seem to have this one. Glad you liked this one shot. I enjoyed hearing your thoughts on it quite a bit. :3

    The emotions from the mother were strong and quite believable, though I wish you explored a wider arrange of emotion. Sadness and hope were illustrated beautifully, but I feel you could have done something wonderful if you explored her character while she was angry about Red not visiting. Or denial. Or having her trying to reason out why Red hasn't visited her in such a long time.
    I had actually considered going through again and incorporating that into the story after I'd posted it. I'd realized that would have really helped it out. As for the slightly cliche melodramatic things, yeah, that's true, too. I realize that this does need a little work because of those two things, so I may eventually update it with some extra things or just save it for my next one-shot if it happens to be a more dramatic one. Thanks for the help, Breezy.

    Thank you both so much for your opinions, I really appreciate it. Hahah.
    Last edited by Dawn_Hero; 2nd January 2011 at 8:56 PM.
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    Hey Dawn_Hero; nice to see that you're writing fanfiction again.

    This passage was...unbelievably good! The pathos used to describe the mother and her devastation over her son's loss was...heartbreaking.

    It does seem kind of odd for the son to not visit his parents, but the ending with him finally returning was good.

    As others have already offered corrections, I'll just leave it at this.
    I'm back for good!

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
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    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    This passage was...unbelievably good! The pathos used to describe the mother and her devastation over her son's loss was...heartbreaking.

    It does seem kind of odd for the son to not visit his parents, but the ending with him finally returning was good.
    Hahahah, yeah, I realize the child never returning may seem strange. I myself never really visited the parent after I left Pallet Town. That was the only time I'd ever seen the mother really, except the occasional hello. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though, it's always nice to hear a positive comment or two about my work hahah.
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    Wow, you really moved me.

    You took a perspective, one that is often forgotten about and made it into something truly... horrible. You have great build up through out the entire piece. It starts as a simple longing then snowballs becoming something heart wrenching.

    The horror at the end was great. Her son, finally comes back. But too late. I see it as a happy ending. She didn't really have anything else to live for and she held her son.

    I can't help thinking how selfish Red is. He just leaves and trains, pretty much telling everyone to gtfo out of his life. She was the one most affected by it and unfortunately the one who cared about Red the most.

    I suppose this will teach Red a lesson. To not take people for granted, to care and respect the ones who care for you. It is a lesson everyone needs to learn, Red just learned it (cliche impending) the hard way.

    I love it when people take the smaller characters in the games and expand them. It was an interesting piece Dawn Hero, I look forward to reading some of your future work!

    (I would have reviewed sooner but the really good stuff somehow slips under my radar! *Adjusts radar* much better!)
    Lol.

  10. #10
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    Hey there

    This is one of the most moving pieces of writing I have seen. You really know how to transmit feelings through writing, you almost had me crying with the last lines.

    It must be pretty awful to be abandoned by your child out of the blue just as you describe it. And it is pretty much the picture described in the games (Something like: "Hey mom, I'm off to defeat all the gyms, see ya!").

    Perhaps the worst part is the fact that the characters (even red) are supposed to begin their journeys at the age of 10. That's not enough time for a parent to raise a kid properly; It's simply waaay to early. It would be better at the age of 14/15 (more values are transmitted and they are now waaay more mature).

    I guess I drifted off a little, but going back... The impotence, the... uncertainty... All those feelings that begin to grow into red's mom are absolutely true; I'm surprised not just by the way you wrote about them, but the way you made red's mom show them.

    I guess you could have gone a looooooot longer with more feelings. Denial is one of my favourites, along with a touch of rage and hope. Nevertheless, this was a great one-shot. I just loved it

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    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Wow, you really moved me.

    You took a perspective, one that is often forgotten about and made it into something truly... horrible. You have great build up through out the entire piece. It starts as a simple longing then snowballs becoming something heart wrenching.
    Quote Originally Posted by RoflLuxRay View Post
    This is one of the most moving pieces of writing I have seen. You really know how to transmit feelings through writing, you almost had me crying with the last lines.
    Aww, you guys are gonna make me blush. ;_; Hahah. Thank you both. I'm glad you guys found it as sad and heartbreaking as I'd hoped I'd been able to make it. I probably could have added more emotion, such as anger, denial, resentment, etc. but I just felt that the way it was adding anything more would've probably made it choppier.

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    The horror at the end was great. Her son, finally comes back. But too late. I see it as a happy ending. She didn't really have anything else to live for and she held her son.
    This right here is what I love from writing stories. It's really up to the readers if it's a happy or a sad ending. I personally prefer seeing it as a happy ending, but some others might see it as horribly sad. xD Hahah.

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    I love it when people take the smaller characters in the games and expand them. It was an interesting piece Dawn Hero, I look forward to reading some of your future work!
    Quote Originally Posted by RoflLuxRay View Post
    I guess I drifted off a little, but going back... The impotence, the... uncertainty... All those feelings that begin to grow into red's mom are absolutely true; I'm surprised not just by the way you wrote about them, but the way you made red's mom show them.
    Thank you both, not just for reading it and actually liking it, but for reviewing, too. xD That means a ton to me to get feedback. I love taking smaller characters and fleshing them out, so it's nice to know other people enjoy reading that, as well. Thanks again, you guys. (:
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