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Thread: Kyle Miller's Life and Warfare (PG-14)

  1. #1
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    Default Kyle Miller's Life and Warfare (PG-14)

    Hellooooooo... After giving it some deep, deep deep meditation I have finally decided to post the story I've been working in for at least 6 months now. I've seen the reviewers here and I acknowledge their mastery in grammar and i would like to have my story checked for flaws to improve my writing style, because English is not my mother language (I am not from the states, so i speak spanish naturally, but i know this idiom from various sources and as you can see, i can write it as well)

    This story is an action/drama novel, it has both of them, but I warn the drama might make it a bit heavy to read sometimes.

    Well, putting that aside, I leave the story here for you to enjoy. As for the author's notes on this prologue and chapter, I found them a little short. There are some words that sound valid to me (like sponged for a hair condition), however if they are not, please outline them and i will make corrections.

    Now...
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    Kyle Miller's Life and Warfare
    A fanfiction by RoflLuxRay
    Rated PG-14 For mild swearing and Violence

        Spoiler:- PM List:


    Chapter List. (Bold and Italic means finished and corrected, Bold means finished, but yet to be fully reviewed)

    Chapter 1: The ghost and The Ranger
    Chapter 2: Flowing motion on time
    Chapter 3: Crosses and Paths
    Chapter 4: Outside in the Underground
    Chapter 5: Homebound plane
    Chapter 6: Vultures
    Chapter 7: Long Lost Lives
    Chapter 8: Our Captain
    Chapter 9: Would have's and if's
    Chapter 10: Golden road (Maybe next week, maybe not, to due to black and white)
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    Prologue

    “Tough life, tough kid…”

    A man said in the shadows behind his desk. A lamp lit just what he needed on his old wooden table, his tuxedo glowing in the dark and his blue eyes shining with the lamplight. Behind the darkness of his working station there was a shield. It read: “International Bureau of Investigation-----For the sake of justice, always vigilant”
    The shield featured the letters of the International Bureau of Investigation (IBI) surrounded by two Pidgeot holding swords in their claws.

    Another man stared at him absent-mindedly, his black blazer barely viewable in the darkness. He was holding heavy folders, with the shield of the bureau printed in them. His glasses shined when he said, “He might not be what we seek, sir”

    “I want him, Keith” The cigarrette flashed a bright red color, while playing with his Zorua’s hair, then leaving the Cuban he was smoking on the tray on his desk.

    “He’s only nineteen…”

    “He’s perfect for this, can't you see?” He interrupted Keith with a firm loud voice

    “Look at his profile, left home at thirteen, family scattered, former ranger, and has won over twenty contests in the past three years… he is just what this needs Keith”

    The man stood up, leaving his zorua to run into the black pitch darkness of the room, faced back towards the shield and placed his hands behind his waist. Keith was scared of him, but gathered enough strength to say:

    “You do know he’s a ghost, right?” The man slowly turned his face towards Keith and said, “Finding should be no problem if we know how he moves… he’s a coordinator, contests are his specialty”

    Keith quickly replied, “Have you read—“

    “I have read them all, Keith, no need to look for more, I need Miller here, and I need him now” He rudely interrupted once again.

    Keith forced himself to retreat; staring at the man’s back as he said,“We’ll have personnel at every contest all over the country right away”

    Keith quickly left the room while the man remained alone in the dark. After staring at his shield, he sat once again on his desk and grabbed his Cuban, after inhaling the toxic gases of the cigar as he muttered

    “Miller… This kid has some great potential”


    End of Prologue
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    CP 1: The ghost and the ranger

    Canalave city, Sinnoh, 7:45 am

    “A ghost I am, free to come and go… silent is my road, hard the path I walk. I know what you know and what you think you know before you do. My blessing. My curse. I am me, Kyle Miller”

    The woods nearby the contest hall shook when a meganium fired its solarbeam on a target his trainer placed fifty meters away to tune its aiming. A few morning rays penetrated the deep woods Kyle Miller walked into last night. He was staring at his Pokemon from a safe distance, with his arms crossed and a grin on his face. Though the illumination was poor, his dirty looks reflected on the stains all over his blue jacket and jeans. His cap, also covered in mud was no longer red due to it’s time and over use, it has been with him since he left his parents a while back. Despite his clothes being messy, the strands of his uncombed dark brown hair that appeared at the side of his cap seemed were merely frizzed.

    “Nice work Megan, take a rest” As he called his grass type back

    “It’s still pretty early” he thought to himself, staring at the top of the trees and the rays of the sun as he walked towards a log where his heavy backpack was laying. He picked it up and took out his compass. He looked at it and walked towards the east. Once he left the grass for the pavement, he began walking a bit faster, as if chased by something.

    When he arrived at the local pokemon center, people stared at him, some whispered and other peeked from behind the newspaper as if believing Kyle was some sort of dangerous person. Being oblivious to this, he pushed his hat down a bit and walked straight to the counter where a nurse, astonished it seemed, asked his business in this center.

    “I need a room, on the corner, with a window, a TV, a bed and a bath tub, please” He never looked at her, this fact only contributed to the nurse nervousness, she quickly looked under the reception counter and pulled out a key labeled with 212

    “Room 212 is available, sir…”

    “Kyle Miller”

    When he said his name, everyone turned to see if it was really him.
    A woman on the far side of the room quickly looked as the name was spoken, though her long blonde hair hid her true features as she gazed back at the magazine she had been reading. She wore a standard Pokemon Ranger Uniform, with a badge on his shield that read: Pokemon rangers, 8th division, Sky red ops

    “Up the stairs, second floor, last door at left hand on the west hall; have a nice day!
    Even though she smiled, her voice reflected the nervousness and panic she had due to being around Kyle

    “Thanks” he said, then turned and rushed all the way to his room, followed by the watchful eye of those skeptical of his arrival. Kyle arrived at his room, opened it and quickly locked himself in, a kitchen on the far right side, fully equipped, and the bed, king size, occupied a large part of the room. In front of it, a twenty three inch old TV reflected the sun that appeared from the window. Kyle took a deep breath and opened the window wide open; Canalave’s summer heat was relentless.

    Kyle pulled out a pokeball from his waist, tossed it and called out a Luxio, which landed on the huge bed.
    The black feline stared at Kyle for a moment

    “You’re up next, Lux, you’re going on the appeal rounds” He said with a surprisingly sweet voice. The luxio got excited, shouted over and over while jumping on the bed

    “I’ll clean myself up, watch the room for me ok?”

    The pokemon nodded, followed by a quick, confident growl. Kyle took his clothes off quickly, revealing serious burn scars all over his body, going all the way down from his neck to his waist. He got into the bathtub and began thinking.

    Kyle was obsessed with thinking ahead, so that he would know what to do on any situation. There was only a few things that he missed or didn't simulate in his head. His peaceful meditation was interrupted by the knocking on the door. He snapped out of his thinking, and shouted in anger,“Oh for god sake, I’m coming!”

    When he got out of the bathroom, only with a towel on his waist, his Luxio was eagerly gazing at the door, as if he knew the person behind it.

    “Who is it?” He said as if like a reflex while opening the door. He flinched and opened his eyes wide open when he recognized the woman on the other side

    “Kyle?” The woman from the corner of the lobby said

    “Taylor?” Kyle quickly replied

    The girl said with excitement, “Hey!! It’s been a while since…” He suddenly slammed the door on her face.

    “C’mon Kyle don’t be a douche! Open up!!” She shouted while slamming on the door with anger.

    “I will not be a ranger again, go away…” She heard from the other side of the door

    “I’m not here under command’s order, I’m on a break from duty, and I come to you as a friend who doesn’t know anything about you in three years, c’mon Kyle… for the good o’l times…” After she finished shouting, she laid her head against the door. Behind it, Kyle was looking down and tightening his fist. Taylor heard the click of the door and the knob spinning. Afterwards, she walked into the room and greeted him with a warm hug.

    “I hope you don’t mind, I was taking a bath” He said while releasing from the hug.

    “Sure, go ahead Kyle, but please, get dressed inside!” She giggled in nervousness. Kyle got back in the bathroom taking his clothes with him. When Taylor turned to the TV, Lux jumped on her lap.

    “¡Hey there little boy! It’s me! Taylor!” She hugged Lux with joy, and looked at the TV Lux turned on while Kyle was in the bathroom. On it, channel two was synched, Jubilife news was the show on air. The show just came from commercials and the newscaster, popular Jan Materazzi was just about to speak with his characteristic Italian accent:

    “And now, a special report straight from Canalave city, with the reporter on the field, Kenny Duran, Kenny, what’s new in Canalave?” Materazzi turned to the screen where young mid twenty’s Kenny Duran appeared. He was wearing a black blazer; his short black hair was notice that he had lost a bet. He was holding the microphone close to his mouth, a sign of nervousness. Behind him, there was a bridge and heavy, heavy police movement.

    “Hi Jan, it’s been three weeks now and Canalave city is still living under fear almost every day. Yet another dead body has been found with multiple stab wounds around his neck on the Canalave’s central bridge around three am in the morning. Local law enforcement has no clue regarding the assassin, that has until now, taken the life of nine innocent people. The poor man was named Michael Torrace, and ran a restaurant a couple of blocks away from where his body is now. This assassin is really clever and leaves apparently no clues or witnesses.

    Taylor looked astonished at the reporter, took the remote control and changed channels.

    “You shouldn’t watch this stuff Lux!” She said on a playful tone. At the same time, Kyle left the bathroom, drying his hair with the pink towel of his. He was now wearing a navy blue long-sleeves shirt with thin stripes across it, giving him a relaxed look. His bottoms were a dark dress pants and some fancy shoes he bought yesterday for the contest. Taylor looked at him firmly and said, “Wow… you look… different, I didn’t know Maria’s death hurt you that much”

    “Maria, the rangers and Fiore are all behind me Taylor, how did you find me?” He asked walking across the room towards the mirror, constantly avoiding Taylor’s green eyes

    “Once you’re a ranger, you hardly disappear from the scope, especially since you’re such a skilled one; you’re here for the contest, right? “

    “Indeed, I live on the prize money, my pokemon know that if we don’t win, we don’t eat” He was now combing his hair, looking at Taylor through the mirror, she was staring at Kyle’s back, she suddenly stood up, and said in a challenging tone.

    “You’ve won twenty two contests out of thirty all over the country in the past three years, and yet you never appear on any grand festival…”

    “I don’t seek glory…” Kyle interrupted her quickly, continuing to comb his hair

    “Then what is what you seek?”

    Kyle turned towards Taylor, looking her finally in the eyes, his dark brown eyes pierced Taylor’s like a knife with one of those sights people find unbearable and incredibly interesting at the same time. After a moment of staring, Kyle replied with calm voice, “A home life, peace, a life far from anyone who meant to hurt me… and oh yeah, an explanation to Maria’s Death.”

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    I have enough chapters to update my story every week until may 24th, gives me time to write more and maybe finish it until then, i think i will update this every... saturday from now on. Please review!! (And by the way Jan Materazzi is a boy, not a girl, got the idea for the name from Jan Rozencratz on Vagrant story)
    Last edited by RoflLuxRay; 14th March 2011 at 5:16 AM.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  2. #2
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    It is saturay, so I update with the second chapter. This one is waaaaaaaaaaaaay longer than both prologue and chapter one.

    On the author's notes I will only say there is one swear here, and i hope the item Kyle has is valid (swiss army knife). Kyle's past will began to unfold ahead on the story, on this chapter i appeal to the psychological trauma.

    Enjoy!!
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    CP2: Flowing Motion on Time

    Viridian Forest. Kanto, 6:44 pm, three years ago

    “Peace is a relative term, it depends on your current status and place in life. I must say, I’ve never been this peaceful on my entire existence. I protect, I serve, and I love it. Sgt Kyle Miller, 8th division of rangers, sky red ops. Semper fi”


    “It’s getting dark, we’ve better radio Taylor ahead, extraction may be an option”

    A girl said a little disturbed, the cold air of the western Kanto forest struck her ranger uniform, moving her long black hair back. The sun could be barely seen hiding behind the distant Mt. Moon. The forest was being slowly engulfed by the darkness of the falling night. Kyle and Megan, his bayleef, were looking for a radio signal amid the trees. Kyle, tired of looking, raised his head and glared at the sky.

    “Night falls faster in Kanto, it seems…”

    “Anything?” the girl walked towards Kyle and grabbed his shoulder, Kyle was now looking at his radio, it was emitting interference sounds.

    “Nope, so much for a fire warning eh?” Kyle said in a sarcastic tone, trying to calm the girl. Suddenly, a signal was obtained by the radio. He quickly climbed a tree, for a better reception.

    “Command, this is grass two-three Radio check, over”

    “Grass two-three this is command, solid copy, send your traffic over” a female voice said on the radio

    “Command, break-break, requesting for extraction on action coordinates, ASAP, over”

    “Copy that, grass two-three, your current mission is a no-go, proceed to LZ two, two clicks southeast of your location Vulture one-six will provide assistance; ETA fifteen minutes, over”

    “Roger command, proceeding to LZ two, will provide feed back upon advance, out”

    Kyle placed the radio on a pocket on his vest and climbed down the tree, Megan was standing next to the girl, with a nervous look in her eyes.

    “Help is en-route Maria, we’ll be out of here in a while, Command’s orders are to walk southeast, c’mon”

    The girl smiled as her beautyfly landed on her head. They began walking into the darkness of the forest. Minutes passed and the use of flashlights became necessary. Both were really quiet, Maria walked really close to Kyle trying to protect her self from any danger. In spite of being a well trained ranger, Maria was afraid of the darkness and ghost pokemon. Kyle walked always looking ahead; turning occasionally to provide Maria with a smile that calmed both of them.

    Megan was walking ahead, until she suddenly stopped.

    “What is it?” Kyle said while tightening his fist

    Kyle turned back and faced Maria, then, she saw a projectile coming Kyle’s way. She grabbed him and jumped away from the danger. The rocket exploded on a tree behind them, causing brief deafness on the young rangers and a fire on the woods.

    “What the hell was that?” Maria shouted in desperation taking her beautyfly in her arms

    “I don’t know, we’ll deal with that after we put out this fire, beautyfly go get help, Megan, help me out with this log”

    Kyle then tossed the radio, which landed on Marias hands.

    “Go to the LZ, tell vulture one-six about this situation” He said while moving a log on fire.

    “But Kyle…” Maria quickly replied with her hands on her chest, around the radio

    “Just go! Fire cannot kill me, and you know it” Kyle winked his left eye at Maria afterwards. Maria ran towards Kyle and hugged him.

    “Kyle I…”

    “I know Maria, me too, now go!” He said after releasing Maria from his arms, looking at her pitch dark brown eyes. Maria ran into the darkness of the forest, only guided by her beautyfly. Kyle quickly lost eye contact with her, and continued to move logs on fire. Megan was leading the surviving and wounded pokemon to safety. After a while, the fire burned more intensely. Only to be shocked by another explosion, announced by a scream. Kyle and Megan left whatever they were doing and rushed into the direction of the scream. Kyle was running with his hands in front of his face, protecting it from branches and leaves. Megan was following Kyle dodging obstacles on the floor that a human could easily jump.

    Ahead of him, a light appeared and as he got closer, it became more intense. When he got close enough to the source, he saw Maria lying on the floor, next to a completely carbonized Beautyfly corpse. Kyle took Maria on his arms and said.

    “Hang in there Maria, Help is on the way” He said with a knot on his throat

    “Kyle I…” She said struggling to articulate

    Kyle quickly analyzed her body, and saw no sign of trauma, or blood.

    “No girl, you’re not going to die, not here, not in my arms” Kyle said with tears on his face.

    “I… Love… you…” Maria said so, and closed her eyes

    Kyle stared skeptic, he tightened his fist and hugged the immobile body and said.

    “No… not you… no… NO! I’m fixing this !” He shouted with courage, grabbing the girl’s body and running towards the LZ. Megan followed closely, with tears on her eyes too.

    When he arrived at the LZ, the flames covered most of the surrounding forest. The LZ was a plain amid the forest, illuminated by the flames that roared behind Kyle. Many pokemon were gathered on the plain. He placed Maria’s body on a nearby log, and received a call on the radio.

    “Grass two-three this is Vulture one-six, we’ve got a fix on your location, standby for assistance, over”

    “Vulture one-six, MAYDAY, MAYDAY, I’ve got a wounded man, ¿where the hell are you?!”

    “Should be now having a visual on us, grass two-three, prepare for extraction over”
    “Copy that Vulture-one…” The communication was interrupted; a burning tree fell on Kyle’s back leaving him unconscious.

    --------------------------------------------
    Canalave city, Sinnoh, 10:37 am

    Kyle turned back and continued to comb his hair.

    “You were lucky that day Kyle, no one survives the kind of burn you suffered that day” Taylor said as she walked towards Kyle slowly

    “That day changed my life Taylor, it showed me the hardest of all challenges. And I aced it” Kyle said still not facing Taylor

    “I know it Kyle, but running from anyone, disappearing from the records will not help you find the life you seek. You need to give yourself a second chance.” She grabbed Kyle’s shoulder, Lux turned towards the TV, afraid of being pierced by Kyle’s eyes.

    “Give myself? I’m the problem? No Taylor, the world is my problem; it’s the world that always destroys everything I build. The world almost destroys me”
    He said facing Taylor, giving her another of those looks.

    “That attitude leads to a dead end Kyle; I won’t leave my friend like this”

    “I sleep on the road, I eat canned food and rarely take a bath, that’s not the kind of life a girl can handle” He said continuing to stare Taylor

    “Your eyes don’t frighten me mister, neither does the road life or the tuna, count me in on this senseless travel” She said with apparent joy, either trying to confuse Kyle with sarcasm or unaware of what she was getting into.

    Kyle changed the look in her eyes, and began laughing. Lux climbed on his back and landed on his shoulder. After the laugh he said.

    “Ok, on one condition, no glory” Pointing Taylor with his right index finger. Taylor was a bit shorter that Kyle, so he looked down on her. After staring for a couple of seconds, Kyle turned his hand and gave Taylor a hi-5.

    “C’mon girl, I’ve got to make a living, appeal rounds start at 11:30” He said while calling his luxio back to his ball, and opening the door.

    “You’re going to a contest wearing that?” Taylor asked

    Kyle glared amazed by the question and replied

    “So?”

    “Ok, never mind…” She said going trough the door.

    Kyle locked the room behind him, assuring he left no important items behind. They descended to the lobby and there were more people than before, everyone was here for the contest entry. Kyle registered last night when he arrived to Canalave city so he laughed at the people’s irresponsibility of making things on the last stretch. This time, Kyle passed unnoticed.

    The temperature raised as the automatic doors of the center opened. The heat wave struck them, moving Taylor’s hair on an undesired position, forcing her to pull out her brush. As they walked the city colored in pink by the contest banners, Kyle’s eyes seemed distant, fixed upon ahead. Taylor was walking next to him, brushing her hair, with a silence that was nowhere to being awkward.

    The streets near the contest hall were full of coordinators tuning the last bit of their pokemon movements for the appeal rounds, patches and patches of grass were the soil of these trainings. The sun struck harder when they reached the entrance of the contest hall, which was the Canalave’s City Central Auditory, recently built by order of the government to promote activities, both cultural and pokemon related. It was big, half big as a stadium, its concrete structure provided its gray color, and four pillars maintained the auditory on its place and standing. A great banner and a huge screen announced the preliminary stages of the contest. Kyle and Taylor arrived at the west entrance. At the ticket office, Taylor bought a front row ticket worth 200 dollars, and Kyle, flashed his contest pass and went to the locker rooms with Taylor behind him.

    The halls inside the auditorium were already crawling with people, mainly spectators lost inside the brand new venue looking for their seats. They walked between the mass of people following the signs around them. The crowd began walking slower when they heard mumbling on a speakerphone.

    “Coordinators follow the green line and identify yourselves with your contest pass and a personal ID card and also we’re asking your cooperation as you will be checked by an officer for any prohibited object, if not, you will be asked to leave. Spectators please proceed with your ticket on hands to the left and pass any personal luggage through the check system. If you don’t have your ticket in hand when you reach the checkpoint, you will be asked to leave or stand in line all over again.”

    Kyle looked down and located the green line, and stood in it. Taylor followed the unstoppable wave of people, looking back at Kyle and wishing him good luck using her hands. After Taylor disappeared amid the mass of people, Kyle arrived to the checkpoint with the required documents. The man in front of him wore an amazingly large red coat, with sparkling incrustations all over. Kyle was only able to see a little red hair under the man’s funny feather hat. When they proceeded to check the man with the metal detector, a riot happened in the middle of the crowd.

    “Go on through, you, wait until I get back here” The cop said to the man and Kyle. The cop ran to the crowd pulling his tonfa baton. The riot was between two men; one dropped a ticket and found it, the other one claimed that the ticket the other picked up was his daughter’s.

    The police men who was on the checkpoint quickly returned, as other enforcers arrived to separate the fighting men, making his assistance unnecessary, He returned and asked for Kyle’s documents.

    “Kyle Miller, Olivine city, nineteen years” He said as he read Kyle’s papers.

    “Please stand still” He said as he ran Kyle through the metal detector, it emitted a warning noise, pulling out Kyle’s Swiss Army Knife.

    “Sir, this kind of items are not allowed within the facility”

    “Look at it again, you moron” Kyle with anger.

    The cop took a closer look at the blade and found it was a ranger knife, with the sky red ops emblem marked upon it. Ranger knifes have no harmful objects, just any necessary for a ranger mission, but this blade had a knife Kyle attached to it when he left the ranger corps. The cop oblivious to the very functions of a ranger knife knew that only rangers carry those objects, and have clearance to enter with them.

    “Sorry for the inconvenience sir, go ahead”

    Kyle stored his Knife in a pocket on the back of his pants and walked across the hallway full with TV’S that played the contest rules over and over. It was well lit, because of the hanging lamps placed high on the ten meters tall ceiling. The gray walls helped to create a feel of depression, making a prolonged exposure to the colorless wall awkward. As he walked down, he saw the floor mat changed and the walls became of pink and blue color, he arrived at the lockers. At the entrance, a lady in a pink dress provided the contestants with a key, and a locker number. The redheaded lady greeted everyone with a smile as they walked to her. Kyle walked unto the lady and said.

    “I want a locker on the southeast corner of the room” He said with a smile on his face

    “Oh sure mister, let me see your ID and I’ll give you a Key” The girl replied returning the smile

    Kyle gave her the ID and the girl shouted in excitement.

    “Oh my god you’re Kyle Miller! I’ve followed your career really close, and I’m a huge fan of you” She said while looking in her dress for paper or pencil. Kyle got close to the girl’s ear and whispered softly

    “Thanks for the compliment, but please keep it down, I don’t like drawing too much attention” He retreated and winked at the young lady. She moved her head and gave Kyle the key to locker 100.

    He walked by the lady and she waved goodbye. Kyle waved back and walked straight to his locker. Lots of people were already gathered inside, some walked around in nervousness, other talked to their pokemon, other were praying. Adults, Kids, Teenagers, people of all ages concentrated in the large room. The half-blue half-pink room was illuminated with xenon lights, a new recycling non expensive effective way of creating light. It was getting hotter as more people walked into the room, but Kyle remained cool despite the rising temperature. To the far right side of the room a large compressed door opened suddenly, attracting everyone’s attention. A man with a headset and a carpet appeared behind it. He looked young, around his early twenty’s, the clear brown hair shined with the lights above him. He wore a regular white shirt, with blue cargo pants.

    “OK people, rally up” He said waving his hands

    “I’ll come here and call five people; those will come with me and appear on the contest in like…” He looked his watch and continued “five or ten minutes. It’s on alphabetical order, so Aguilar, Aniston, Arratia, Ashton and Azalea, follow me please”

    three woman and two men walked towards the man with the headset and disappeared behind the door, that slam shut after they left. On the room, a huge screen displayed the official transmission, announcing the beginning of the contest. Kyle remained oblivious and sits on a corner, and continued to think whatever he was thinking back at the bathtub. Meanwhile, Taylor was at the front row, on the left side of the coordinator on stage, facing the judges. She was eager to see Kyle live on a contest, she had only heard of Kyle’s skills, and saw little on you tube.

    Time flew by and coordinator by coordinator passed, only a few scored above nine, the other obtained regular eight scores. The crowd became silent when Kyle Miller’s name was announced. Everyone stared amazed as the ghost of the contests walked towards the stage. The spotlight was now on Kyle who walked slowly and steadily, he didn’t seem to be a bit nervous. As he approached to the side of the stadium, he threw a pokeball to the air. As it spun, it opened when it reached maximum height. A light was shot from the ball, and Kyle’s healthy Luxio appeared in the middle of the stage. People remained silent, regardless Lux’s appearance; Kyle ignored it and commanded its pokemon.

    “Lux, use charge” Kyle said with a calmed voice

    The Luxio began gathering energy around him, making him glow in a yellow color. It gathered enough amount of energy to levitate. At that time, Kyle commanded again.

    “Now, alternate with discharge”

    Lux began expanding the electromagnetic field around him and contracting it afterwards. Kyle looked around and took a quick decision.

    “Lux, go to the spotlight and give me your best discharge” He pointed at the spotlight above him. Lux floated towards the light, as he entered in it, the light became red and blue. As the pokemon used its final discharge, a multicolored wave expanded all across the contest hall, causing the crowd to explode in joy.
    The crowd stood up and gave Kyle’s performance a thunderous applause. The judges were on their feet too, and gave Kyle’s performance a high score 9.7, the highest so far. As Lux returned to Kyle’s side, Taylor was amazed by the performance.

    “He actually knows what he’s doing…” she though to herself as she clapped with the spectators as one. Kyle’s ovation was suddenly stopped by a loud scream that caused everyone’s silence. The scream seemed to be a woman’s, and it came from the locker room.
    Last edited by RoflLuxRay; 14th March 2011 at 5:11 AM.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  3. #3
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    I know it is not saturday, but I'm gonna update this because I feel like. I would really love for someone to tell me their thoughts about this story, that's the way the work improves and grows in quality. This is the 3rd chapter.

    Author's notes: Yes, yes yes it's useless to deny it, the first words are from the song "Crossroads" from Cream (or eric clampton), they are used because they fit the overall of the chapter.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    CP 3: Crosses and Paths


    Canalave city central auditorium, Sinnoh, 12:24 pm

    “I went down to the crossroads and fell down on my knees, I went down to the crossroads, no one seem to know me, everybody passed me by… as alone for mercy’s sake, help me if you please. Life of the road is difficult and pointless if there is no goal in mind. But then again, how good is justice as an excuse for a life away from the world?”

    As the scream began to stress the crowd, policemen were already trying to bust the blast door open. The contest hall doors were all closed and did not opened, something was blocking its opening. As panic spread through the people, the hostess tried to calm a countless horde of scared people uselessly. Taylor jumped from the crowd to the stadium and went to the blast door. Kyle was already looking at the scene with his arms firmly crossed.

    “What are you doing Kyle, help them!” Taylor yelled at Kyle’s face, which remained calm after the shouts of her friend. He replied only by placing his index finger on her lips, as if saying ‘hold on’. The cops then made a crack on the blast door and Kyle pulled another pokeball from his belt.

    “Aspen! Give me a hand!” He said as he threw the pokeball. After the light of the pokeball opening disappeared, a Cranidos could be seen. This cranidos was not any regular cranidos, it had the rare phenotype. It was red colored and was willing to take anything down.

    “Bust the door open, zen headbutt!” He shouted and pointed the crack on the door. The pokemon’s head began to glow and after the blue in his head became really dark, it ran towards the crack on the door. The policemen look astonished by Kyle’s intervention. The dinosaur’s head smashed and the door broke in two, flying back into the room. People inside all lied on the floor, possibly asleep. The cops ran into the room and searched for vital signs on the people, they were all alive. Except for a woman on a purple dress with an exuberant haircut, Kyle looked away as he saw little blood around the body. Being hematophobic, he was disgusted by blood

    As he looked away, he noticed the red coated man was not lying around. He began tracing on his mind and found that he didn’t went through metal detection, enabling him to by pass an illegal item. He didn’t look at the man’s face, but it was nearly impossible to forget such a weird way of dressing, He looked at the cops and asked the cause of death.

    “Multiple stab wounds, looks like that assassin struck here too…” A cop replied looking at the body while crouching.

    Aspen walked towards Kyle shaking his head because of the impact. Kyle called him back and walked towards Taylor.

    “I know who did this” He said searching for something on his pockets

    “Really?! Help the cops out then…”

    Kyle got closer, grabbed her from the head forcing her to be silent and pushed her to a corner away from the cops. Aspen followed to the corner and Taylor struggled to break free but did when Kyle finished dragging her.

    “What are you doing?!” She said on a particular tone Kyle was used to hear on the radio back when he was a ranger.

    “Hey, I need to do this on my own, c’mon, he should be around here” He said as he walked towards the exit of the locker room calling his Cranidos back to his ball. Taylor groaned and followed Kyle down the hallway. He looked back and told her:

    “Keep it quiet, this guy is still around here”

    Taylor moved her head up and down, signaling Kyle to move. As they moved stealthily through the room, they saw the double doors that led to the stage were barred and sealed with fire, the assassin had pokemon with him, apparently a fire type one.

    As they moved towards the exit, they heard the main double glass doors being slammed; also running could be heard echoing in the gray concrete walls. Kyle instantly began running; he arrived quickly at the entrance and saw a man running in the distance, covered by the bright of the midday sun. Kyle kept running behind him until a man jumped from the bushes and landed on the criminal’s back. This man had a black tuxedo and a red rose on the chest pocket, his hair glowed with the sun and the excess of gel he had, it was clear brown and combed straight back. The assassin pushed back the man who landed on him and called out his magmortar. Kyle and Taylor were too far to assist, so they hid behind a tree and observed the spectacle. Taylor was tired and sweating, she was not used to physical workout since she is more of an engineer, as she passed her hand on her forehead, she told Kyle.

    “Help that guy out, I’ll release the people of the auditorium” Exhaustion was seen on her face

    Kyle moved his head replying “alright”

    Taylor ran her way back to the venue, as she entered the double doors Kyle saw the flash of a pokeball being opened. He remained hidden behind the tree, covering himself from the scorching sun under the shadow. The clear sky and the thirty seven Celcius degrees provided the perfect handicap for the assassin’s fire type. The man, who seemed around Kyle’s age, dragged out a yellow ball and tossed it into the air.

    “Leon!” The shine revealed an Empoleon who happened to be really mad about the weather. The assassin took 2 steps back and began running Kyle’s way, followed by his magmortar. Kyle interfered blocking the criminal’s way; he ordered his magmortar to use flamethrower on Kyle pointing at him shouting.

    “Kill that kid!”

    Kyle ran towards the pokemon and punched it in the gut before it could even aim at him. Kyle was fast given he’s lived all his life on the road and because of his training as a Sky red ranger op. The Magmortar blew a tiny flame out of exhaustion and fainted.

    “Well done, Miller” The man on the tuxedo said and pointed a .45 caliber at the assassin’s neck.

    “Get your hands in the air, do anything stupid and I’ll blow your head off” He said looking at the assassin’s hands, searching for any object that may cause problems. Kyle was now able to see the man straight into his deep gray eyes. Kyle was amazed by the coolness in him despite his arrest. He was glaring at Kyle’s brown eyes, as if looking for something inside Kyle’s soul, and suddenly smiled.

    The guy on the tux pulled out handcuffs and placed them on the assassin, who opposed no resistance. As the arrest proceeded, several black vehicles arrived at the scene; the wheels burning their rubber were heard as one by one, pulled by in Canalave’s 6th street. Kyle’ saw a limo pulling over in front of him, the polarized window prohibited Kyle’s vision into the vehicle. He covered his eyes as the door opened reflecting the sun. A man with a fancy gray tuxedo descended the limo, his hair was showing signs of aging but his thin body was that of those who remain in shape; and the scars on his face were notorious on his pale white skin along with his closed beard. A zorua followed him down the fancy limo’s leather seats. The man, who happened to be taller than Kyle by around ten centimetes, greeted him with a huge smile on his face.

    “Ah… Kyle Miller… so pleased to finally make your acquaintance” He said offering Kyle a handshake

    “You know me sir…” He said amazed by the man’s confidence

    “Arcthurus LaBrayere III, but people refer to me as Arthur.” He said still shaking Kyle’s hand

    “Please, don’t think bad of me young lad, I must say I’m impressed by the way you handled this situation” Arthur said releasing Kyle’s handshake and crossing his arms

    “He did really great actually, I’ve never seen someone make a pokemon faint on a single punch to the gut”

    The guy who arrested the assassin said, walking with it towards an enforced police SUV.

    “Ah, I see you’ve met detective Anthony Wiley. He’s my best choice for undercover assignments” Arthur said looking at Anthony, leaning his head a bit.

    “Ok, ok, ok… what is going on here?” Kyle asked on a desperate tone.

    Arthur flinched and said.

    “How rude of me, where are my manners… I am the head of the International Bureau of Investigation, and I’ve been looking all over the world for you, Kyle”

    Meanwhile, Taylor released the people trapped inside the auditorium, causing a massive stampede of people towards the cooler outdoors. Taylor walked her way outside and saw Kyle in the middle of the police movement.

    “I wonder what he got into now…”
    She thought to herself as she slowly walked in between the desperate mass of people to the center of the buzz. As she got closer, she recognized Arthur and stared at him. Unaware of this, Arthur continued to speak to Kyle.

    “Yes Kyle, for you, I must say finding you its no easy matter. But now that have, I’d like to speak to you about business”

    “Sorry sir, but I no longer serve” Kyle said on an honest tone interrupting and looking at Arthur’s blue eyes.

    “Oh, Kyle son, please join me on my office before you make your final choice” Afterwards he looked around and recognized Taylor.

    “Ah… Miss Hadley… so you’re here too…” He said at Taylor, who ran towards Kyle and asked him

    “What’s going on?”

    “I’d like to know, I was just standing here and they spawned in less than two minutes around me” He replied on a sarcastic tone.

    “Come on, young blood, I’d like you to come with me” He said offering them to enter on the limousine with him.

    Kyle then whispered at Taylor.

    “Is it me or is that guy really weird”

    Taylor replied: “Don’t fool with him, he’s the head of the largest justice corp. on this country, I suggest we follow him if he’s telling us to”

    Kyle checked himself and said to Arthur.

    “Hey, I’m gonna need my backpack”
    Arthur laughed and said

    “No need to worry, Kyle, your stuff is en route and you will find it at the HQ”

    Kyle walked towards Arthur and said.

    “Fine, but no trick alright?” He pointed at the old man’s face. Arthur replied only laughter. Taylor and Kyle climbed on the limo and took a seat. The limo was large and covered with a red wine rug all over, the windows were polarized but enabled to see outside. Around them, all kind of extravagant items and idols shined with the inner light of the car. Before the car’s engine started, Taylor looked outside and saw Anthony pushing the assassin into the enforced SUV, slamming the door and punching the car, giving the sign to move. He looked towards the limo and saw Taylor on the window. He instantly pulled his head down and pretended he didn’t saw her.

    As the limo began to move Arthur pulled out a bottle of wine. “Casillero del Diablo” was seen on the label. He pulled out 3 cups and invited Taylor and Kyle for a drink.

    “Oh thank you, but I don’t drink” Taylor said on a sincere tone

    “As appealing as that sounds… I think I’ll pass” Kyle said looking at the window

    “Well, I guess there’s more for me then!” He said as he laughed, drinking a bit of the expensive imported wine. As the cup was removed from his lips he said.

    “Let’s cut to the chase, Young blood, I need people of thy curriculum to help me on a crucial mission of national security”

    “Yeah… I used to get that a lot on the red sky ops” Kyle said continuing to look out at the window, Taylor glared in interest at Arthur meanwhile

    “Look, I can’t tell you much about it right now, but this might me related to that incident you guys suffered on viridian forest three years ago”

    Kyle turned his head instantly in interest, maintaining a careless look on his face

    “I’m listening” He said as he turned his body towards Arthur

    “There’s intel about a massive network of organized crime flourishing on the country right now” He placed his cup on a desk on his left side and continued

    “This is nowhere near any lame team that has appeared before, its bigger than Cyrus reviving legendary pokemon or Teams aqua or magma trying to play with the land mass and the sea. It’s bigger than the sylph co. take over; this is war and is going on right now, on the streets, on our face”

    Kyle looked amazed by the man’s speech and replied

    “So… where do I fit?”

    Arthur drank a little more wine and said.

    “You are the ace players of this, the vanguard, the first and last line of defense. You are the enforcement that I’ve been gathering during the past few years. two weeks ago, both of your profiles arrived at my office from the Rangers High command by hand and personal recommendation of the head of the sky red ops, Adam Van Der Linde. He told me that you two, and deceased Maria Gallard, were his top ops, so I decided to look for you, and now that I have found you I would like you to join my project, Special Threat Elimination Task Force, the best handpicked warriors from all over the world”

    Arthur then drank another little wine; afterwards, Kyle suddenly changed the look on his face and said

    “I’m intrigued, tell me more”

    Arthur placed the cup of wine in the same desk and said.

    “There’s more into this than you think, young blood, I’ve been pulling the strings on the UN so I can get the resources for this project. Which is now finally paying off, please look outside” Arthur pushed a switch and the polarizing in the windows faded, enabling to see a forest. The dense vegetation allowed seeing only the road ahead of the limo, and the sun, was no longer scorching hot due to the shadows of the trees. A couple of hours have passed since the beginning of the preliminary rounds of Canalave’s contest, that city was now a long memory in both Taylor and Kyle’s minds. As the limo advanced through the woods, a huge facility was recognized straight ahead. It was covered by dense vegetation; it looked abandoned with cracks on its concrete and remains of paint on the walls. The limo stopped and the driver contacted on the radio someone, then Arthur said.

    “You will now witness the efforts of three years of research and development. This is the pinnacle of stealth and worldwide coordination, welcome to The Club, HQ of the Special Threat Elimination Task Force”

    A tremor occurred and Taylor got scared, Arthur laughed once more and Kyle remained quiet, the tremor revealed a compressed door hidden on the soil of the forest, leading now into ramp and a tunnel that descended deep underground. White lights provided little illumination, giving the tunnel a scary look. The limo advanced into the tunnel, as it did, Taylor looked around restlessly and Kyle just stared at Arthur, who was also glaring back. Silence was total; the engine could be heard roaring and echoing in the thick tunnel walls.

    When the tunnel became a huge parking lot, the limo went to the far north corner, to a special parking slot it marked “reserved” on the front wall, next to a great slot on the wall covered by a thin layer of clear glass, giving the complex a fancy look; the limo stopped and Arthur opened the door on his right side. He stepped down and helped Taylor and Kyle down, they were amazed by the underground complex. As they gazed around, Arthur went ahead and called an elevator in front of the limo, it was made of pure glass and it was apparently recently cleaned.

    “Please, this way, young blood” Arthur waved his right hand, calling Kyle and Taylor.

    They proceeded to the elevator and went further down, as the gray concrete background changed to a wide large control room. A lot of personnel were in front of many computers across the wide room. A huge computer displayed a world map, and lots of red dots were displayed all over it. The room was set to be on a dark blue color, and the flash of the monitors provided the most illumination on the shadow colored room. They continued down for another seconds and the elevator stopped on a wood door, for their surprise.

    “Please step into my office” Arthur said as he opened the door and led them inside. His office was painted in black, with book shelves next to his wooden desk. Behind it, a shield shined with its own lights ‘International Bureau of Investigation-------- For the sake of justice, always vigilant’ could be read under the two pidgeot that held swords on the blue background shield. Arthur walked straight to his desk and ordered something on the intercom.

    “Please, hold on a little longer, we’ll begin in a minute” He said looking at his gold watch. A few seconds later, Keith, a man with glasses, dress pants, blazer of the same clear blue color, and a black tie with several white stripes appeared. He was holding some folders and walked with apparent insecurity. Taylor gazed at the man with a smile behind her teeth. Keith walked straight to Arthur’s side and placed the folders next to him, then, he just walked back and crossed his arms.

    “Now, allow me to fill you in with you part in the bargain…”Arthur said while looking in the folders

    “Hey, LaBrayere, we haven’t agreed anything yet, there’s no bargain, there’s no us, just tell what’s in for us in this” Kyle said rising his voice, echoing against the walls of the office.

    Arthur looked down, closed the folders, and on a really polite way, placed his hands on the desk.

    “I suppose its fair, since I brought you all the way here… Look young blood, as I’ve mentioned before, the world is at war and it’s absolutely oblivious to it. The war occurs at a social level, behind curtains in front of everyone’s eyes. You’ve seen it Kyle, the murders in Canalave were just a warning and a convenient take down. Detective Wiley has been on the assignment since he tied for the training world cup two years ago, and the intel he’s gathered is the backbone of this investigation. But Wiley is just one man; a whole nationwide operation can not be placed upon a single person’s shoulders. There’s where you two come into play, especially you, Miller. You’re a coordinator, a top one; you happened to be into the special ops in the rangers. And as a cool bonus, you were involved in one of the first strikes of this shadow organization. You miss Hadley; you are an intelligent person and a Ph. D in Mechanical engineering, and you know Kyle since he was a Ranger, your assistance and skills result crucial into this operation, so this is where I ask on the most polite way, for you to join my project to unveil and stop this, before it escalates and turns into a civil war.”

    Taylor opened her eyes wide open and said:

    “Civil war?! Are you kidding? That is going to need massive coordination between people separated by a huge mass of water…”

    “That’s why I need you, young blood. Will you help me stop this?” He said looking down into his desk, on a reverential way. Kyle and Taylor looked and each other for a minute, Taylor moved her head on approval and Kyle pressed his fist and thought.

    “This could be… My explanation, my reason and my vengeance…” Kyle looked up and said.

    “Alright LaBrayere, count us in, tell us what to do”

    Arthur then smiled and replied.

    “Keith, lead them to the assignment room” Arthur looked towards Keith and the office man walk to them.

    “This way, please…” He said walking towards the elevator, not looking back raising his left hand.

    Both followed Keith and entered the elevator. Keith pressed a button which led them up two floors. When the elevator stopped, they walked down and saw Anthony Wiley feeding some pokemon. Around him, an Empoleon, a Salamence, a Rapidash, a Dusknoir, a Bastiodon and an Aggron were eating on plates and on a table. The room’s floor was a clear white and the walls were a clear orange, the place looked like an apartment, with all the necessary for someone to make a living inside the large room, Anthony who was now wearing a regular green T-shirt and common jeans, his hair was now combed with a line on the middle, more sponged than before, revealing it was longer than Taylor thought at first. He looked happy and was talking to his pokemon as Kyle and Taylor walked by.

    “Hey, Tony, was it?” Kyle said offering a handshake

    “Indeed, I am Antony Wiley, you’re Kyle Miller and the lady next to you is…”

    “Hi, I’m Taylor, nice to meet you Tony…” She said with a smile on her face, then looked towards the pokemon eating and said.

    “Wow, they all look really tough”

    “Yeah, they’re my pride and joy, I look up to them and respect them, I just tell them where to move” Anthony laughed a bit.

    Keith then interrupted saying.

    “Mr. Wiley, these are the teammates for your assignment, please meet Di Angelo at 1500 hours”

    “Alright Keith, thank you” He said as the quiet man walked away towards the elevator.

    “So, how much did Arthur told you about this?” Anthony said walking towards a couch next to his Bastiodon. Kyle and Taylor walked towards another couch opposite to him. The large fossil pokemon took its plate and moved to other position, and brought a little glass table between the couches. Afterwards, the Aggron brought water to his master and the guests.

    “You’re too kind, thank you” Taylor said to the steel type with a clear smile on her face. Kyle drank a little water and said.

    “He didn’t spoke too much, I assume you will tell us more than he did without any ‘young blood’ on the sentences” Kyle and Anthony laughed.

    “Indeed, my assignment is mostly an undercover follow up; I present myself as a trainer whose goal is the qualification to the pokemon training world cup. When I was on Kanto last year, an anonymous informant told me that an executive of the local league was supposed to meet an ultranationalist party on the shores of Vermilion early in the morning. I assisted and saw the exchange of ten million dollars for someone’s qualification to the world cup. This means, the world cup is rigged, and so it’s the coordi cup.”

    “How do you know all of this?” Kyle said skeptic of Tony’s words.

    “I’ve travelled all over the place, Miller; I know a lot of things. Also, your assistance would be mainly to qualify for this year’s coordi cup, and you Taylor, you would help us keeping us alive throughout the journey” Tony said after drinking a little water. Taylor was shocked by Tony’s words and said.

    “Hey buddy, I am not a doctor, I am an engineer”

    “I know you have basic first aid instruction and four semesters in med school, I’ve read your file” Tony replied on a serious tone. Taylor looked down and Kyle answered almost shouting with a firm look in his eyes.

    “You don’t talk to her like that. I’m sure she can help in many other ways.”

    “Anyway, both profiles showed me a lot, but I need to see those skills with my own eyes” Tony stood up and pressed a button on the wall. The wall moved revealing a court well lit and a spacious ground paved field, perfect for a battle. The placed looked more like a jungle despite the fact it was totally underground. Tony looked at the amazed Kyle and taunted him to follow.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Thanks for your time, please review.
    Last edited by RoflLuxRay; 13th January 2011 at 11:39 PM.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  4. #4
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    Well hellloooo to you as well.

    Kyle Miller... it has a nice ring to it.

    Hi, I'm Moonlightning (but you already knew that) and here is...

    !MY ULTRA AWESOME REVIEW!

    Characters:

    Kyle: Personally, I'm liking Kyle at the moment. Although I am concerned his character may become unbalanced and go along the treacherous "Gary-Stu" track. I noticed you gave him a phobia of blood, and that was good. Characters need flaws, although at times Kyle seems a little perfect. (P.H.D, obviously very strong/martial artist, ex-ranger, famous co-ordinator...)

    His Pokemon don't have much personality to them at the moment, even though they may not be that relevent to the story, it is good to know about these things.

    Taylor: She seems a little bland, she isn't boring, but I haven't noticed anything really that interesting about her yet. I'll give you some time to fully develop her though so I won't judge you harshly right now.

    Arthur: You've given him a very distinct and unique personality. His dialog is a pleasure to read and he seems to be well balanced. (I enjoyed his little "state of affairs" speech.)

    Keith and Tony: Haven't really seen enough of them to pass judgement.

    Plot/Concepts:

    I'm really having a good time reading this. The idea of a massive civil war is a nice crisis for your characters to solve. Also, Maria was a little bit cliched (character goes on a long journey to seek revenge/ find answers about a loved ones death) but I'll look the other way because of how much I liked the Viridian Forest flashback.

    The Club and the IBI are both very cool, I like the IBI's slogan, and its mascot. (Pidgeot with swords FTW!) The scene at the contest got really stressful, you were right, the drama got REALLY heavy when the woman was found lying in her blood. I find that kind of thing in a Pokemon fanfic sorta disturbing (I'm not asking you to change anything, I'm just telling you what you did, worked.

    Grammar/Language Use:

    This is probably the weakest part of this Fic. First of all I applaud you for giving writing in a second language such a great shot (I'm not from the states either, !New Zealand!).

    But...

    There are lots of errors. The main ones are:

    1. Badly fitting words.

    There are some words used to describe certain things that just don't flow well with the story. They are either used repetitively in a small space, for example the word desk in your prologue gets spammed a lot. Or words used that are in the wrong tense, or just don't make sense.

    2 Capitalization Errors:

    Remember, Names and Places get capitals. You may want to consider giving Pokemon Namer (Such as Ampharos) capitals as well. (It makes them stand out.)

    3. Other (Can't be bothered categorizing more...)

    Remember to:

    Write numbers under one hundred instead of having the number.

    Every time a new person speaks, have a full space between. You obviously know this, but it still pops up in a few places.

    Okay... it's time for the...

    CORRECTIONS OF DOOM!

    A man said in the shadows behind his desk. A lamp lit just what he needed on his old wooden desk, his tuxedo was glowing in the dark and his blue eyes shined with the lamp. Behind the dark desk, there was a shield. It read: “International Bureau of Investigation-----For the sake of justice, always vigilant”
    Too many "desks"

    Despite his clothes were all messy, his dark brown uncombed hair that appeared at the side of his cap remained merely sponged.
    Badly worded.

    Suggestion: Although his clothes were messy, his dark uncombed hair that appeared from the sides of his cap in brown strands remain merely...

    (I don't know, I don't understand what you were getting at with the word sponged...)

    When he spoke his name, even those unaware of his presence noticed him.
    Doesn't make too much sense. I see what you were trying to say, reword it.

    The girl smiled as her beautyfly landed on her head.
    It's Beautifly.

    ¿where the hell are you?!”
    What does the upside down question mark mean? It isn't used in english I believe.

    Kyle stored his Knife in a pocket on the back of his pants and walked across the hallway full with TV’S that played the contest rules over and over. It had good illumination provided by the hanging lamps on the roof, which was 10m tall and really clean for its recent construction
    You use the word illumination incorrectly. It was well lit, because of the hanging lamps... would work better.

    The half-blue half-pink walls shined with the illumination provided by xenon lights
    Shined and illumination don't go together. Xenon lights are cool though, .

    I stopped at chapter two (quoting parts) because I am tired *yawn*.

    Could I perhaps be a beta reader for you? There are still LOTS of little errors I missed, it would be easier if you sent me chapters before they are released so I could fix all of the small things.

    There you go, a big review.

    (I feel so drained...)
    Last edited by moonlightning; 13th January 2011 at 12:09 PM.
    Lol.

  5. #5
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    @moonlightning

    I'm glad you liked it so far. Yeah, i know the Maria quest is pretty much of a cliché, but that changes along the story.

    Thaaaanks a lot for the review. Yeah... I figured the grammar was one of the weakest parts of this. I was actually aware of the pokemon capitalizations, i postponed them over and over and forgot to do it after all.

    As for some of the words that don't make sense, i warned before that some would be found, such as sponged for a hair condition (which, obviously makes sense in spanish). I think the proper reference for his condition would be: Frizzy, Frizzed, i guess (or that's what i've seen in commercials). I think some of my descriptions are accurate, some are not, i'll cuadruple check for those later on the day.

    Quote:
    ¿where the hell are you?!”
    What does the upside down question mark mean? It isn't used in english I believe.
    The upside down question mark is used to outline the start of a question in middle of the text. Word kept bothering me with it so i placed it, i was unaware of it's unexistance in english.

    I know there's still a lot of mistakes running loose around the fic, i will be more careful in the next chapters (and remember that stuff that sounds good in spanish it doesn't makes sense in english) and make the corrections, later on the day... i still have stuff to do for now.

    The rest of your corrections are very helpful, thanks.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  6. #6
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    It's now saturdaaaay, so I update this fic with its fourth chapter. Thanks to the useful review i got, i made corrections on this one so i expect it to be better in quality. Most of it is a battle, I hope you find it exciting.

    Mistakes, flaws, any thoughts, cheers, reviews, all will be appreciated.
    -----------------------------------------------------------


    CP 4: Outside in the underground

    “The club” Somewhere between Canalave City and Jubilife City, Sinnoh, 14:35 pm

    “Cool mind, cold blood… everything is clear as the blue sky. Decisions, odds, possibilities, they all come to me as a river of thoughts which I drink as a glass of water. Now I see… what your next move is, your weakness and your strength. You will not fool me, I’ve got something to live for and people that believe in my decisions. I take them one at a time, with a steady rhythm and half a smile.”

    Kyle stood up and walked towards the opening in the walls. Taylor remained sit while the men were looking firmly at each other, after she understood what was happening she stood up and ran towards the field, taking a seat in the left side on a wood bench, perfect for a risky spectator. Tony walked to the far side of the room followed by all of his pokemon, placing himself on the edge of the arena; his pokemon remained behind him calmed. Kyle did the same on the opposite edge, constantly looking at Anthony. He clapped his hands and the monitor on top of them displayed the fight status, currently none.

    “Ok then, are you ready Miller?” He said on an arrogant tone.

    “Ladies first, Wiley” Kyle replied on the same tone. Tony looked behind him, looked at all of his pokemon and said.

    “Salazar! Bastion!” His Salamence appeared and flew above him landing on the arena, roaring at Kyle. The roar moved Kyle’s hair a bit and scared Taylor, it echoed in the arena shaking the walls a little. The ancient pokemon walked slowly to the salamence’s right side, and when it reached its position, it stomped the ground causing a little tremor on the stage. Kyle remained calmed and pulled out two pokeballs of his belt, tossed them into the air and said.

    “¡Aspen! Cole! Let’s take that dragon down” The Cranidos quickly appeared and looked at the dragon in front of him. The other ball revealed a Torkoal with a scar across his shell, a mark from an old battle. It looked willing to battle as it emitted smoke out of his nose and shell. The salamence glared at the tiny cranidos and spit fire to him, trying to make him flinch. Aspen responded by dousing the flames with its head; Cole was just throwing smoke preparing itself to battle and the Bastion had its eyes closed, waiting for Tony’s commands. In the middle of the tense air, a bell rang marking the start of battle.

    “My move, Salazar, Dragon claw on that Torkoal; Bastion, give him cover from that Cranidos!” Both pokemon reacted instantly to Tony’s orders.

    Bastion ran towards Kyle’s Cranidos trying to ram him head to head. Behind it, Salazar the Salamence flew straight to the Torkoal, preparing his left claw with a blue glow around it.

    “Aspen, jump to your left and intercept that dragon claw with a zen headbutt; Cole look left and throw a flamethrower.” Kyle said with calmed voice.

    Aspen quickly dodged the ramming Bastiodon. As it remained in the air, his head began glowing with a deep blue. The salamence did not saw the dinosaur pokemon flying straight to him and Aspen landed the zen headbutt on the left claw causing him to lose direction. Salazar flew up ignoring his target with his claw hurt by the headbutt.

    Bastion, who missed Aspen, was sliding along the arena, struggling to stop his immense body mass. Cole looked left and his shell began to glow with inner heat, its neck expanded as the fire began to be produced by the hydrogen mixing glandules on his throat. The intense flames that Cole emitted reached Bastion’s back.

    “Salazar: lets try Hydro pump on that Torkoal, stop him from burning Bastion!” Tony shouted looking at his Salamence, who listened carefully to his instructions. Afterwards it just looked at Cole and aimed, throwing out a huge amount of water out of his mouth at it.

    “Cole, watch out!” Kyle shouted at his pokemon, making him react by stopping the flow of fire towards Bastion. As the mass of water grow closer, Cole withdrew inside its shell protecting him from the hydro pump. Kyle then looked at his Cranidos, who was glaring at the flying dragon above him.

    “Aspen, Head smash on Salazar’s throat” He shouted as his Cranidos snapped out of the glare, running towards a tree on his left next to Taylor. Aspen quickly climbed it and used a branch as a catapult to reach the dragon. Aspen closed his eyes while flying towards an unaware Salazar. It connected its blow, interrupting the flow of water and making the salamence fall straight to the ground. It landed with a shockwave behind the crash, it was out of battle; meanwhile, Aspen landed standing only shaking his head because of the fierce impact. Tony was shocked by the quick reaction of Kyle; he looked down, pulled out a pokeball and said.

    “Not bad for a coordinator” He said as he returned his fainted dragon to his ball. He looked back and forth; then saying.

    “¡Aaron! ¡go!” The aggron behind him ran to the battle field and to Bastion’s side, covering him from any sudden attack. The bastiodon had a severe burn out of Cole’s flamethrower, its skin was red and he looked really pale.

    “You better call that Bastiodon back, he’s wounded” Kyle said looking at Tony across the stadium.

    “He can still fight; he just needs to recover from that soar, Aaron, Iron head on Aspen!” Tony replied pointing at the dinosaur.

    “Get out of there!” Kyle shouted, making the dinosaur jump dodging the head butt.

    “He’s mine now, Earth power!” Bastion reacted and moved the ground around him, causing a tremor and a huge mass of earth to move towards Aspen.

    Kyle looked away as a cry of pain was emitted by Aspen. It was under the rocks and totally passed out. Kyle called it back, and almost instantly tossed a pokeball.

    “Kurt, your turn!” A seadra appeared and immediately used hydro pump to fill the hole the earth power left after its use. He landed on the shallow mass of water and its head was only seen. Both Tony’s pokemon were around the ‘lake’ the water type created. Cole then came out of his shell and used flamethrower on Bastion’s burn, making it fall back to Tony’s side of the field with his burn even worse. Aaron looked back as Tony commanded stone edge on Cole, only to be interrupted by a Hydro pump from behind. Cole’s flamethrower stopped when the Bastiodon fell down to his knees with his eyes closed, and a severe burn on his back. Aaron continued to receive the Hydro pump as he turned back.

    Suddenly, rocks shoot from the ground from the ground stopping the flow of water towards him. After, it ran to see the wounded Bastiodon. He checked his fallen companion and let out a loud roar that shook even more the arena. Tony called back Bastion looking down.

    “Ronnie, get in there!” Tony shouted and the rapidash behind him ran towards the battle field, which was now a little worn out by the fierce battle. The fire horse stood next to Aaron and prepared for battle, making the fire on his back more intense.

    Kyle’s pokemon were aligned next to each other, separated by the mass of water Kurt was in. They were eager to hear Kyle’s commands and nervousness grew in them as the silence engulfed the arena. Taylor looked amazed at the determination in both Kyle and Tony’s faces. The silence was interrupted by Kyle’s orders.

    “Kurt, Ice beam” He fired a beam from its mouth straight into the fire horse, which received it entirely. Aaron ran furious towards Cole, centering energy on his right fist. Cole countered with Heat Wave straight to Aaron’s face.

    “Aaron, stop it!” Anthony shouted to the reaction of his Aggron, which didn’t stopped and landed a focus punch on Cole, despite he was being hit by an attack. Cole flew back across the room and passed out the instant it touched ground. Aaron let out another roar and was about to attack the fainted Cole but Kyle called back himl and said.

    “You better control that Aggron’s anger; it could get out of control”

    “I know, he’s a little hot headed when he sees a partner faint in front of him, that’s why he’s my last choice in battle. I chose him because of a type advantage, I see now that I got carried away by the evolution stages of your pokemon. Now it’s on, Miller” Tony replied and his Aggron looked back and down then it groaned something that sounded like ‘sorry’.

    “Ok then, Romeo, take it down” Kyle tossed another ball into the air and upon its opening a Kirlia was revealed, this one did not had the dancing spirit of common Kirlia, Romeo, stood up firm and looked its opponents with serious eyes.

    “Ok guys; let’s show this guy how we win contests. Kurt, Hydro pump; Romeo, psychic on the hydro pump.”

    The flow of water emitted by Kurt flew straight into Ronnie, whom remained calm and didn’t move. The hydro pump was moved in direction because of Romeo’s will. It moved in circles around Tony’s pokemon, leaving them astonished because of the beauty of the combo.

    “Get out of there! Weapons free!” Tony yelled at his pokemon behind the water snake created by Kyle’s commands. Aaron was using stone edge, trying to cut the water and make its way out. Ronnie still remained calm and didn’t move, it just closed his eyes and waited. The Rapidash communicated something to his partner, causing him to stop using his attack. Now, both Tony’s pokemon remained quiet in the middle of the now, water tornado.

    Kurt looked at Romeo in surprise; both were still using his attacks. Kurt stopped the Hydro pump and then, both looked and Kyle with an uncertainty face. Kyle was analyzing the situations with one hand on his chin and the other one wrapped around his chest. This pose was typical of him meditating. Both pokemon awaited Kyle’s orders patiently.

    “What is it Miller! Can’t break through your own attack?” Tony yelled at Kyle laughing afterwards.

    “Ok… if I use ice beam on that thing, the water will froze making their escape easier… If I keep using Hydro pump, Romeo will not hold that much water under his control; and the pokemon will break free… If I choose to go with thunderbolt, the mass of water will fall upon them because Romeo has to stop using psychic, making their escape possible… If I use twister, the attacks might combine, either cancelling between them, or strengthening each other, giving the hydro pump a backbone, holding it together… Ok… now… If I use Ice beam and psychic, the water… ok I got it.” Kyle thought to himself in less than 5 seconds, words did not processed for him, only images passed one after another as quickly as a nerve sends his information to the brain.

    “Kurt, Twister!” Kyle shouted and pointed the tornado of water. Kurt’s eyes began to glow and his surroundings began to shudder, causing nearby oxygen to become a twist of free electrons and ozone. As it kept growing bigger, it went catching debris around it, giving it that twister look the attack is named after. The seadra launched the twister and it went straight into the mass of water, blending into a huge tornado with its own lightning strikes, because of the elements in it, just like a thunderstorm.

    “Romeo, don’t let that water go; Kurt, Ice beam!” Romeo’s eyes began glowing even more and gasped in exhaustion; Kurt used the Ice beam Kyle commanded which flew straight into the huge tornado. The result was hail inside the tornado, instead if bouncing outside of it because of the psychic, which acted as a protective field around the tornado.

    Tony’s pokemon were trapped helpless inside of it, suffering multiple hits, either from the hail or from the energy packed wind inside. Aaron couldn’t stand the submission move Kyle led them into and fainted, but Ronnie remained calmed until he opened his eyes and suddenly used solarbeam breaking the tornado. Kurt did not saw the attack coming and it received the high energy ray on its face. Kyle covered his face with his right arm; because the solarbeam was known for being unbearable for human’s eyes.

    After the glow faded, Kurt was floating motionless on the water. Romeo was amazed by the fierce power revealed by the quiet fire horse, and looked back at Kyle with that same face. Kyle called back his seadra, and said.

    “Nice move, Tony, I didn’t saw that coming I’ve got to admit. Lux, you’re next!” He said as he stored Kurt’s ball and tossed Lux’s to the arena. The Luxio quickly appeared and howled at Romeo, trying to cheer him up. Kurt’s sudden defeat scared Romeo a bit. He reacted by shaking his head and looking firmly at Tony, who was now about to select his next pick for the battle.

    “Leon, you’re next” His Empoleon walked to the arena and touched Ronnie’s back, making aware of his presence.

    “This is it… Ronnie, flare blitz.” Ronnie ran straight towards lux, only to be stopped by Kyle’s next command.

    “Romeo, Psychic!” Ronnie instantly stopped surrounded by a pink aura. The fire around it vanished as it flew back towards Anthony’s side of the field.

    “Leon, aqua jet!” The Empoleon launched at amazing speed towards Romeo, which was still centered on the flying rapidash.

    “Lux, stop him!” Kyle shouted, his Luxio ran and intercepted Leon’s attack with spark, causing it to switch direction and miss Romeo. Lux howled at Leon in a disrespectful manner. The penguin looked back and replied with a battle cry then walking to Ronnie’s side. Ronnie was a little shocked by the impact against the floor, but quickly stood up.

    “Leon, use ice beam on Romeo! Ronnie, take down!” Tony shouted and his pokemon followed. A cold wave gathered around Leon’s beak and as it opened, a white ray was shot to Romeo. The Kirlia tried to counter using psychic again. The ice beam stopped in front of him, but the rapidash was running straight to him.

    “Lux, don’t let Ronnie hit Romeo!” Kyle shouted and his Luxio ran towards the dashing horse, covered in electricit. Only to be countered by the quick shift to fire blitz, reflecting Lux’s attack, enabling it to successfully strike Romeo and launching him back to Kyle’s side. Romeo was fainted the very moment the attack struck him.

    “Good job buddy, now…” Kyle said while returning his psychic type to his pokeball. “Megan! Last stand!” He tossed a worn out pokeball and a Meganium appeared. The Meganium was glaring straight to Tony’s Empoleon.

    As tension began building, Tony interrupted the silence.

    “3 on 2 Miller, I’ve got the type advantage… You might as well quit here and now.” He said while his pokemon walked to his side of the arena.

    “You kidding me? This just keeps getting better and better, Lux, Charge; Megan, Light screen.” Kyle replied on a relaxed tone.

    Megan stood up in front of lux and put out a wall of light, and Lux began charging energy behind his partner. Suddenly, the Luxio began howling harder and began glowing in a blinding light. His body grew bigger, his body hair suddenly got larger and his skull suffered severe structural changes, so did his voice along the process.It was evolving.

    As everyone in the arena gazed in amusement, the light faded revealing that Lux evolved into a Luxray, which roared in excitement, causing his charge to attract more energy and glowing on a blue aura.

    “We’re not letting a Luxray intimidate us, Leon, use ice beam.”
    The penguin aimed at Megan’s wall, which absorbed the impact totally causing very little damage, and her to sneeze. Afterwards, Lux jumped from behind and began running straight towards Ronnie, whom remained calm.

    “Leon, intercept” Tony shouted and Kyle smiled. Leon ran towards Lux with his beak glowing in white.

    “Discharge” Kyle said and the newly evolved luxray began loosing some electricity around him. Leon stopped running and got down to avoid the discharge, but his partner received the entire blow. The horse cried in pain and fainted afterwards.

    Anthony called his fire type back, and his Dusknoir floated to the stage.

    “The final 2 eh, Miller?” Anthony said looking at Kyle. Suddenly, a voice interrupted the battle.

    “That’s enough for today, Wiley. I need you 3 up there in command post right away” The voice in the intercom seemed Arthur’s; both Anthony and Kyle looked down in silence and suddenly began laughing. Kyle’s pokemon took a deep breath in relief, and Anthony’s stayed calmed, and walked towards him. Both trainer and coordinator returned their pokemon back into their balls and headed for the elevator.

    “We’ll finish this later, Kyle” Tony said offering a friendly handshake and walking to the exit.

    “Fair enough, it was the last stretch, I just love that part” Kyle took Tony’s handshake and pressed the button that called the elevator. Taylor joined afterwards and said.

    “Hey guys, that was amazing! I felt like I was looking at the world cup final or something, your pokemon are really strong!” She said really excited, with her hair really messy because of the tremors, roars and many other effects.
    Kyle and Anthony looked at Taylor’s hair and began laughing; it was frizzed and looked spiky.

    The elevator opened and the clear steel inside allowed Taylor the see her head and her hair, she let out a scream and began brushing it desperately with her bare hands. As the door closed, the elevator led them to another part of the facility. The silence in the little elevator was interrupted by Tony.

    “We’re now heading for the intel room, there they will fill us up on the assignment and tell us what to do, where to go, etcetera. The person in charge is Fredrick Di Angelo; keep your distance from him, he’s a little weird; he’s from the continents.” The elevator stopped and the double doors opened, revealing a blue colored room, with the IBI shield embedded on top of the computer in the desk straight ahead from them. Dim lights gave the room a sad feel; that expanded through the air with the fan spinning above.

    “Ah, you finally decide to show up eh?” Fredrick Di Angelo said without facing them, continuing to look at the table in front of him. On it, there was an engine and a lot of oil spilled around. He wore a dirty white coat that covered mostly of his body, revealing only brown pants ankles and black work shoes.

    “I’m sorry Fred, you know I have a competitive spirit” Anthony said walking closer to him. Fred turned and looked at Tony’s face, his long sponged dark brown hair waved with his head, covering mostly of his face, only revealing one brown eye and a scary look. As he turned he said.

    “I know, Tony… I saw the battle with my monitor, I watched the entire event.” Fred turned and his entire face was now seen. He was covered in oil stains all over. He cleaned the sweat and oil off his face with a nearby napkin and continued.

    “May I suggest, Mr. Miller, the use of more combo attacks like the one you used on the 9th minute of the battle, your creativity and reaction speed amused me” Fred said walking towards Kyle, cleaning his hands, covered on oil too. As he reached distance, he stretched his hand offering a handshake.

    “So what we’re up to?” Kyle said while shaking Fred’s hand, avoiding eye contact with the extravagant man.

    “Oh, right…” Fred released the handshake and walked to his computer, next to the table and typed something. On the screen, a newspaper note appeared.

    “Come, read this” Fred said looking back, waving his hand encouraging them to go.

    “Armed commando assaults qualifying rounds, World cup organization committee resets Jotho”

    The last Wednesday, Ecruteak city lived 3 minutes of terror during the local training world cup qualifying rounds. Around 3:24 pm, the passengers of 2 black SUV’s fired against the competitors from their vehicles with high caliber weapons, taking the life of 3 people and injuring another 12. During the assault, local training prodigy, Kevin Barakat was killed by the impact of 35 gunshots all over his body. It is presumed the attack was intended on him. After emptying the load of their weapons, the assailants fled towards the highway that leads to mahogany town. Authorities have not yet located the responsible persons for this cruel crime.

    In response to this, the world wide pokemon federation committee, responsible for both training world cup and coordi cup, laments the event and claims that the qualifying rounds for the whole Jotho region will be reset due to the loss of personnel and lack of security during the events. The organism also stated and that any current progress on it will be lost; resulting in protest of coordinators and trainers all across the region. The new qualifying rounds will begin the next Monday on every city of the Jotho region, so trainers and coordinators, be prepared.

    Ashley Miller

    After reading the note, Fred turned to them and said.

    “There’s the crack in the system that Anthony predicted. New orders claim that we need you on those world tournaments, so you need to infiltrate and qualify.”

    “Sounds easy enough, lets go.” Tony said walking towards the exit, only to be stopped by Fred, who replied.

    “Hey, it’s not as easy as it sound, Anthony. In the orders there was also an inventory you will need to fulfill before you leave for Jotho. All of you.”

    Fred walked towards his desk and next to the computer a yellow envelope glowed with the screen light. Fred took the envelope and handed it to Kyle.

    “Inside you will find all that you need, credit cards, Keys, Cash… Go to the docking bay on the B1 level and you will be given all the big objects you need and bla bla bla… Now go, I’ve got to finish this baby.” Fred finished and turned towards the engine on his table.

    “Isn’t he weird?” Taylor said looking at Anthony, keeping a low voice to avoid being heard by the scientist.

    “Yes he is, but he is as weird as he is brilliant and important on this. Arthur trusts him the intel and he gives it to the people, I honestly have no idea why” He replied in a low voice too, pushing the elevator button. As they stepped in, Kyle opened the envelope and handed everyone with their objects. Credit cards, 12 thousand dollars to each one and the key marked with their name.

    “Man, we’ve got in here pretty quick; we’ve got stuff tagged with our names already.” Taylor said looking at her key and counting the cash.

    After a couple of minutes of counting money and key checking, the elevator doors opened and another parking lot was seen, similar to the one they arrived at first, except this one was a bit larger and had an armory next to the road. “Club’s weapons” was read above the service counter and a man was behind it. It was counting ammunition and it seemed centered. He was wearing a green military uniform and a cap of the same color. As they walked near, the man turned and said.

    “Oi Wiley, you’re here for your assignment inventory?” The man said with a heavy British accent

    “Yes Greg, Kyle, give him the envelope” Tony replied and turned towards Kyle, which walked towards the counter and handed the envelope. Greg read it carefully and laughed.

    “So, you say you’re off to jotho eh? Well, pick one, boat or plane?”

    Taylor jumped in joy and shouted in excitement.

    “Plane, plane!”

    Greg laughed and said.

    “If the gentlemen agree, plane it will be”
    Kyle and Tony looked at each other and moved their heads in approval. Greg looked under his counted and pulled out 3 ticket planes labeled with. ‘Skarmory Airlines’ and handed them over.

    “Everything you need is already at the airport waiting for you, good luck mate” Greg said as he picked up the phone next to him and dialed.
    Tony turned and walked towards a blue BMW M3 parked near the Club’s armory. As the alarm of the car was deactivated, Kyle and Taylor walked towards the car too.

    “You have one of these? How much do you make in this place?” Kyle said amazed by the car’s beauty.

    “Its on the company’s name, they just let me drive it” Tony replied closing his door. As all of them climbed on the car and closed the doors, the engine started and Tony accelerated, heading towards the exit of the parking. The engine’s roar echoed with the thick concrete walls as they headed for the exit of a similar tunnel as the one they entered at first. As they saw light ahead of them, Kyle yawned and said.

    “So… we’re a team now eh?”

    “Yay! I never thought I’ll found myself working for the IBI so sudden!” Taylor yelled at Kyle’s side in excitement.

    “Don’t get so excited, this is still an assignment, so stay frosty and listen to command’s orders alright?” Tony replied looking at Taylor, quickly turning his head back to the front of the car as they left the tunnel for the same forest they came through at first.

    “This is so out of the blue… today, I was on a contest trying to make a living, and now, I’m off to Jotho on a special assignment for the most important justice corp. on the nation… Now that’s what I call a really good day.” Kyle said as he reclined back in his seat, closing his eyes as Tony headed for the highway leading to Jubilife city.

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Thanks for your time, please review
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  7. #7
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    Nice chapter, unfortunately I spotted quite a few errors, but I'm not grammar savvy enough to point them out at risk of being wrong myself.

    The introductory passage was interesting, it gave a mood to the rest of the chapter.

    I liked how, in battle, the commands were targeted at weak spots, for hopes of getting a critical hit. A nice touch, I admit.

    You misspelled Jhoto. <I think, it would be best to look up its correct spelling.

    In all honesty, if you could ever hope to get a good readership, I recommend getting all of your chapters fully fixed by someone. There are just too many errors and it scares people off. Other than those however, you're doing just fine.
    Lol.

  8. #8
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    moonlightning:

    Thanks again for your time reading this. Yeah... my grammar is still my weakest spot, I will read my brother's english grammar book.

    The introductory passage was interesting, it gave a mood to the rest of the chapter.
    This was one of the parts i was most insecure about. I feared it would make no sense in some parts, I'm glad you liked it.

    You misspelled Jhoto. <I think, it would be best to look up its correct spelling.
    That's weeeeeeeird. Here where I live (and i have clear memories about it) Jhoto is spelled Jotho *looks up in serebii.net* Oh... It's Johto, my mistake

    In all honesty, if you could ever hope to get a good readership, I recommend getting all of your chapters fully fixed by someone. There are just too many errors and it scares people off. Other than those however, you're doing just fine.
    That's the stuff i want to hear. I noticed this post has above 100 views and it has only a few replies (actually only 3 of them are not chapters). If my grammar is so bad it scares people away, I need to work on it harder.

    I Invite skilled persons in grammar to help me out with it (It can't be THAT bad), not with a super ultra mega large review pointing every single mistake, but with more of an explanation of the rules I''m not following in my text. Thanks
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  9. #9
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    I know i said i was meant to update this every saturday, but I had problems with stress (crazy inscription system in my school). Besides that, i suffered from a super ultra mega massive writer's block and felt lazy to even make corrections on past chapters (I will do them tomorrow, i swear). But today, I finally update Kyle Miller's Life and Warfare with its 5th chapter. Took me like 3 hours making corrections (man i was bad 6 months ago) but i expect to see mistakes in there. Feel free to point them out.

    On the author's notes: Re-reading this makes me realize that Kyle may be a little too perfect, but it's that... thing that makes him the way he his (Kinda like roger federer((yes he lost today, but he's still great)) or Rafael Nadal, they are not gary-stus, they are just THAT good) The way I build him is slow, and I'm giving him some time.

    I also erased any funny words i used 6 months ago with actual words (LOL). But i feel uncomfortable with the word "luggage". I didn't know if it is Luggage or baggage, can anyone clear that for me???

    Please, express your thoughts on my work.

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    CP. 5 Homebound Plane.

    Jubilife city, Henning international airport, Sinnoh, 7:34 pm

    “What is the joy of returning to the place where you come from? Is it the familiar faces or the common places that flash in front of me like living photographs of the past I so wished to forget? 6 years Kyle… 6 long hard years have now passed. I’ve become something they might actually be proud of, something they may respect. I found no joy or happiness in returning to Olivine, I hope it’s not the same hellhole I left when I was just a kid, a broke kid.”


    “Kyle, wake up, we’ve arrived at Henning International. Stop fooling and open those eyes.” Taylor said violently shaking Kyle. He slowly opened his eyes and let out a huge yawn. She stepped out of the car followed by her Umbreon, which swiftly climbed on her shoulder afterwards.

    Kyle slowly stepped out too shortly after, as he did, he stared at the hiding sun behind the distant Mt. Coronet. The sky was painted in colors of the cowbow cliché, it was a beautiful dusk. Tony was smoking next to the BMW, as he realized Kyle was awake; he tossed his cigarette away and said.

    “Break’s over Kyle, lets go.”

    Kyle rubbed his eyes and walked towards the entrance of the airport behind his captain and next to Taylor. The inside of the airport seemed dusky, like the sky, and occasionally shocked with the sound of a leaving or landing plane. Ahead of them, a bunch of heavy luggage was lying on the ground, surrounded by two men and one woman.

    All of them looked serious and were sustaining a close silent chat and wore black pants and black blazers, except for the one in the middle, who wore a black leather jacket with IBI emblem on it. Tony walked closer and greeted them with some surprise.

    “Hey! Tori! Vlad! Ryan! So you’re on this too?”

    “Oh, Tony!” The red headed girl ran at Tony’s sight and gave him a warm hug. Tony seemed astonished, but returned the hug.

    Taylor and Kyle walked closer and broke the hug by approaching them.

    “So, Taylor, Kyle these are detectives Victoria Allen, Vladimir Kovalenko and Ryan Freyer, all of them are part of the task force you just joined.” Tony said introducing one by one pointing at them. The detectives smiled and shook hands with them, replying their names politely. Tony walked towards the luggage and took a closer look.

    “Ah… Famous Kyle Miller, a pleasure to meet you” Black short haired Vladimir said crossing his arms with a Russian-like accent and looking down at Kyle with deep blue eyes. He stood at least five centimeters above Kyle’s head was intimidating at first sight

    “We’re looking forward to work with you; and to see you in action” Ryan said waving his long blonde hair back, moving it from his gray eyes.

    “I’d expect nothing less gentlemen” Kyle replied and nodded.

    “Taylor, Kyle, c’mon, this is ours” Tony shouted and the group left the 3 detectives for them to continue their silent chat.
    Their caprain separated their luggage tagged with their names, constantly checking back to see if their equipment was actually theirs.

    “Ok guys, I’ll see you guys on the radio. Our frequency is 4.724 Mhz and our tag is Gyarados one-six” Tony said to the other team, which instantly turned their heads but only Vladimir replied.

    “Solid copy Gyarados one-six. Our frequency is 4.823 Mhz and our tag is Raichu storm five-two, we’ll be in touch”

    While Vlad spoke, Kyle was heading to the first checkpoint. He turned and waved goodbye only for manners. Taylor said her goodbyes on a more polite way and rushed towards Kyle, and Tony waved goodbye too as he walked to his partner’s side.

    “Hey Kyle, I go first” Tony yelled before Kyle walked into the checkpoint. He looked back and said.

    “Sure, ladies first”

    Tony stared at Kyle and passed him by, giving him a cold look in the eyes. He showed his badge to the policemen in the checkpoint and flinched when he read IBI on the gold plate. The policemen opened the handicap door and allowed them to pass without going through the metal detector. While the three of them passed, the cop was standing still frozen in fear.
    Once they left the checkpoint, they walked to their gate.

    This part of the airport was now different, clear glass everywhere allowed to see the sky perfectly, and the light was slowly disappearing from the dusky Henning International. Suddenly, on the intercom a female voice said with a somewhat sexy tone.

    “Passengers of the flight 1652 of skarmory airlines, destination Olivine city in the Johto region. The plane is now open and receiving passengers; please step to gate 12 with your boarding pass in hand, have a nice day and enjoy your travel.”

    “That’s our flight, c’mon” Tony said and began walking a little faster. In reaction to these words, Kyle dropped his luggage with a surprised face and remained still, skeptic of his destination. Kyle looked into his and pulled out his ticket. He slowly opened it and read.

    “First class, flight 1652 skarmory airlines, Gate 12, Seat 23 A, Departing from: Henning international (Jubilife city, Sinnoh). Destination: Kilring international (Olivine port, Johto). Kyle Alexander Miller.

    Taylor quickly noticed and walked towards Kyle, who was just staring at his ticket with his mouth wide open.

    “What’s the matter?” She asked with concern in her voice

    “I wasn’t told we’ll be going to Olivine” Kyle replied, still staring at the ticket.

    “Hey you two, hurry up” Tony said in the distance, waving his hand. Kyle snapped out and continued to walk. Taylor was walking next to him with her Umbreon resting on her left shoulder; Kyle was constantly looking down and walking with a fast pace. When they reached Tony at the gate 12, he was talking to the man who receives the boarding passes. Tony placed his luggage next to the man and said.

    “Ok, place your stuff in here”

    Kyle and Taylor followed his orders and placed their couple pieces of heavy luggage next to his captain’s. Tony handed over his boarding pass and entered into the plane. Kyle and Taylor followed closely and stepped as well. As they walked into the plane’s first class side, a lot of people were already using half of that part of the plane.

    The plane was painted with a pale gray color and the seats, covered in soft white leather, emitted noise whenever someone sat on them. On the window, night was now upon Sinnoh. Tony was already on his seat when Taylor and Kyle saw him in the 22 D, next to them but in the middle of the plane. They sat and the pilot announced their soon take off. His captain approached his head as much as his belt allowed him to and said with low voice

    “Our luggage is being carried on a special part of the plane, when we get down the code to pick it up is ‘Taco verde, I like el cetriolo di mare without red chili’, got it?”

    “You can’t eat a sea cucumber and I think taco verde is the code name to the person who will give us the luggage?” Kyle asked sarcastically giving him a weird look, lifting his right eyebrow while Taylor burst in laughter.

    “I’m not kidding, you’ve got to learn that if you want your luggage back” Tony said pointing at them with his left index finger.

    “OK, dude” Kyle replied while turning his body towards the window next to him.

    On the intercom, the pilot announced the take off and those who already haven’t, fastened their seatbelts. The plane took off without any problems or delays and quickly stabilized 12km above the ground, now only clouds were barely seen in between the darkness and the stars. As Kyle glared at the almost invisible black clouds, Taylor said.

    “So… what’s the matter with you going to Olivine?”

    “I never spoke to you… about that place right?” Kyle replied still looking outside.

    “No… I believe only Maria knew that. Will you tell me?” Taylor said touching Kyle’s shoulder, her Umbreon was in her lap in a deep sleep.

    “Yeah… I think I should…” Kyle said turning his body towards Taylor, looking her in the eyes.

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    Foundation’s elementary school, Olivine city, Johto, 12:12 10 years ago


    “You’re out Kyle, next time make sure you can actually play” A kid with a green jacket and black hair said looking at the downed youngster who was wounded in his left knee, little blood appeared from the burn caused by the dragging he was just victim of.

    Kyle quickly stood up and ran towards the classroom, but was stopped by a wall of kids seemingly older than him. One of them pushed him and he fell again.

    “Why?!” Kyle shouted in desperation now releasing tears from his eyes. Another boy with a black leather jacket punched him in the face and said.

    “Don’t be such a crybaby, boys don’t cry Miller” He kept punching and kicking Kyle all over his body

    “Do you want no know why? Eh? Because you are not worth even the meat you are made of or the oxygen you breathe, you are scum Kyle Miller. Boys like you serve men like me, and furthermore Kyle…” The kid said yelling at Kyle’s bloody face, he was just covering his face with his arms which were broken by the multiple kicks on them, but he somehow remained strong and held them high. The kicking stopped and Kyle’s tired arms now rested upon the floor; he was looking straight to his assailant’s eyes.

    He walked closer to Kyle and whispered him.

    “No one loves you, no one ever will. Because you can’t love scum”
    Kyle had only rage and fury in his eyes. The crowd of kids left Kyle alone in the middle of the courtyard. The strong sun pierced Kyle’s eyes as a tear was shed; he slowly closed his eyes and passed out.

    The mass of kids quickly disappeared and he was left alone, fainted, under the scorching Olivine midday sun.

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    Striker General Hospital, Olivine city, Johto, 22:34, 10 years ago

    Kyle slowly opened his eyes and saw he was on a hospital bed, totally covered in bandage. His arms and legs were immobilized; and quickly realized he couldn’t move a muscle.

    He tried to turn his head and saw his older sister, Ashley, next to him completely asleep with a cup of coffee next to her. She was covering her face, resting her head on his arms, while her brown short hair covered her face.

    Kyle heard the sliding door opening and turned his head quickly, only to see her mother walking with a doctor. Ashley woke up and saw her brother was awake.

    “So… he’s awake” The doctor said while looking at his medical record. The doctor’s face reflected experience and also signs of aging, a stethoscope hanged from his neck and his shiny white coat covered mostly of his body.

    “How is he doing?” Ashley said really concerned

    “Well… he is awake, but the MRI showed some bad news…” The doctor replied closing Kyle’s file and looking down. Ashley and her mother looked at each other concerned about Kyle’s medical status.

    Kyle’s vision was blurry, and he was barely able to recognize people at a distance, he tried to speak a word, but somehow, he was not able to. Desperation quickly took over him and he tried shouting or yelling, but he realized he could only move his eyes and head.

    “The assault was mainly on Kyle’s head, and he’s suffered severe trauma. The motor part, the speaking part and the logical part of the brain were damaged, best I can tell, he should be able to walk and speak normally, but we can’t tell the damage on him until he gets better.” The doctor said to the concerned women, who began crying hugging each other.

    “It’s not that bad… I should be able to walk and speak again… but… why can’t I right now? I… I… hardly remember a thing… Rage… Hate… what… is that… Where… who… why… I can’t move... I can’t escape... Someone help me... please...Help me!” Kyle kept thinking this to himself over and over staring all around him, but no response came either from his body or from his surroundings.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Flight 1652, Destination Olivine city, Johto, ETA 2:45 hours, 00:53 am

    “I was trapped inside my head for 2 years of intense rehab, the only thing I was able to do was talk to me... so I think I got good at it.” Kyle said holding Taylor’s hands and smiling looking down at her sleeping Umbreon.

    “I don’t understand… why did you left your home and Olivine?” Taylor asked with delicacy

    “My family thought I was now a porcelain doll, so they believed I was unable to survive on my own, I left home 2 weeks after I got discharged from the rehab center. I was unable to walk or speak for 2 years; rehab was just muscle exercise and vocalization classes, worst 2 years of my whole life”

    “So… I see, but your family was only worried about you”

    “No… or yes, perhaps they did, but they worried too much, it choked me, and it gets worse. The people who did that to me were never punished; no one ever cared about it. I was just a piece of newspaper, a morning gossip between the fishermen, just that. It broke me Taylor, it did, but somehow, I’m still alive, and I’m not wasting my life chasing the people who destroyed my youth. I just want to live away from everything; I want to escape those memories”

    “I understand Kyle” Taylor hugged Kyle closely and Kyle suddenly began crying.

    “You’re safe now; look in what you’ve grown into, a ranger, a coordinator; a friend. I think that is something to be proud of, not for the world that barely destroys you, but for yourself. It’s like giving yourself a huge golden medal for being you, for surviving” Taylor whispered in his ear.

    “I… I guess you’re right” Kyle slowly pulled away from her shoulder.

    “I’m not crying over that anymore, it’s been 6 years since I left olivine, I think I’m over it, let’s get some sleep Tay. Thanks” Kyle said cleaning the tears off his eyes and hugging Taylor.
    “You’re welcome Kyle; I’ll always be there for you got it?” She replied looking at Kyle’s eyes, he only nodded and laid back, closing his eyes.

    2:33 hours later…

    “Hey you two, wake up!” Tony yelled at them, scaring them out of their sleep.

    “What is it…? It’s 3 in the morning for god’s sake…” Taylor said letting out a huge yawn.

    “Fasten your seatbelts; we’re near to Olivine city” The captain said on the intercom.

    As they heard this, everyone quickly fastened their seatbelts and the clicks flooded the air for 20 seconds. Kyle looked out the window and his hometown was now visible. The lighthouse was the first thing he noticed, it lit the nearby hills filling Kyle’s head with some of his childhood memories. Taylor seemed nervous with the plane landing, he was holding a firm grip on her Umbreon, who seemed choked and fought for some air.

    When the plane landed and stopped, the pilot thanked everyone for their preference and one by one the people in the plane began descending. The detectives stayed behind and Tony walked to the cockpit and told the captain.

    “Taco verde, I like el cetriolo di mare without red chili”

    “Oh...” The pilot squeaked and pressed a button next to his seat. Instantly, everyone’s luggage fell from a hidden closet next to Tony. He grabbed his luggage and walked towards Kyle.

    “Hey, go grab your stuff at the cockpit”

    “Ah… so the captain is taco verde eh? Kyle replied ignoring Tony and walking straight to the cockpit. He grabbed both his luggage and Taylor’s and left the captain alone, closing the door behind him. He gave Taylor two pieces and the three of them left the plane. Once outside, Tony pulled out his radio and walked away from the group justifying with.

    “Look after our stuff, I’ll check on command”

    “Sure” Taylor said letting another huge yawn, she seemed absolutely tired. Her hair was messy and frizzy, but her ranger uniform remained the same. Kyle was totally awake, he was staring at the view a window gave of Olivine bay, lights on the hills covered mostly of the stars on the sky. The airport indoors seemed almost empty, just a few people were waiting for his stuff at baggage claim.

    One by one lthey eft the blue colored Kirling international through the massive double doors, outside a few gray colored taxis were waiting in line for customers.

    “Olivine…” Kyle sighed while staring blankly at the northwest part of the hill.

    “You’re home” Taylor said walking to his side

    “See that house, the blue one with the huge balcony on the 3rd floor? That’s my old place” Kyle pointed at his house, which seemed distant in the early morning, covered with darkness. Tony then walked to them and said.

    “We’re not having an hotel guys, command’s deposit is until Wednesday, so til’ then, we’ll have to camp somewhere on the hills”

    “No need” Kyle quickly turned to him “My house is big enough for all of us, my sis will gladly receive us.”

    Tony doubted for a second and said.

    “Fair enough; lead the way” He pointed towards the exit with his open hand in an arrogant way. The group gathered his stuff and headed to the exit. As they left the airport, a bunch of taxi drivers begged them to climb on their vehicle, but Tony chose the one with the experimented driver, a seemingly old man with a white shirt and blue pants. The old man climbed on his car and started the engine while Kyle and Tony placed his stuff on the trunk. Once they finished, they climbed on the car.

    Just after locking the doors, the old man said.

    “Where to, young travelers” He looked at Kyle through the rearview mirror.

    “Golden road, number twelve, Miller baking house if you know it” Kyle replied returning the glare though the mirror.

    “Ah… the Miller’s baking eh… yeah, I know it” The old man said while accelerating, leaving the airport behind. As they advanced northwest, Kyle began remembering his childhood with some of the buildings around him. The elementary school, the hospital and finally his old home passed one by one in front of him.

    His home was blue colored and with a huge garage on the right side under the house. A pink colored banner used to welcome customers looking for the greatest pie in town and now, seemed a little worn out by time; but the rest of the house remained the same as the one in Kyle’s mind, huge garden and long walkway into the wood door covered by a white metal fence.

    Tony gave the old man the money for his services and the group quickly descended the gray Nissan Tsuru. The taxi swiftly vanished into the morning darkness, leaving them to walk into the house. Kyle knocked on the door and rang the bell. After a few seconds, a light on the second floor turned on and the shape of a woman putting on a coat was seen. After a few more seconds, a woman opened the door; she was wearing a pink coat and had the same hair color as Kyle, but seemingly frizzed because of waking up so suddenly, her eyes were mid open and said with tired voice.

    “Who are you?”

    “Detective Kyle Alexander Miller, Hi Ashley” Kyle replied and the woman opened his eyes wide open, now recognizing him; she opened the fence open and hugged her long missing brother.

    “Where the hell have you’ve been?” She said continuing to hold him tightly.

    “Here and there, I’ve got a lot to say, sis”

    “Indeed, come in, come in” She led all of the detectives inside and turned the lights on, now the orange color in the walls filled the room with light. The large living room showed all kinds of luxuries: gold idols, expensive curtains and pretty light green couches were some of them. In the middle of the living room there was a little glass desk. Ashley invited her guests to take a seat on the living room.

    When they sat, a teenager in a blue pajamas rushed from the stairs, his physical resembled those of a Miller, except for the long curly hair and the rare green eyes, rarely seen among the Millers. As he stopped in the middle of the stairs, he said.

    “Ashley, it’s too early… who is it?” He glared at the guests from the stairs.

    Kyle stood up and replied.

    “Go back to bed kiddo, this is a federal issue”

    “Federal issues my Scizor, who are you?!”

    “Detective Kyle Alexander Miller, these are my partners, Taylor Hadley and Anthony Wiley.” He said while a grin slowly took over his mouth.

    The young kid remained still for a few seconds and descended the stairs slowly, looking firmly at Kyle. As he walked closer to him, he began smiling as well.

    “You’re… You’re really Kyle?” The kid said continuing the skeptic look on his brother

    “I am, Eric, sit down, so you can listen to me for a while” Kyle said now with a smile on his face, Eric sat next to Ashley on the couch’s left arm. After a little silence, Ashley asked.

    “So… where have you’ve been?”

    “I went to Fiore to become a ranger, I met Taylor there. I left that too 3 years ago after I entered the special ops in there. After that I became a coordinator, and until yesterday it was that way. I was in Sinnoh when Taylor found me in the pokemon center before I entered a contest, next thing I now I entered a special task force of the IBI and here I am, in Johto”
    Both his brothers looked skeptic at Kyle, until he interrupted.

    “And you?”

    Ashley snapped out of the glare and said.

    “Well… I graduated of college and became a journalist, I’ve been in the Johto times for 11 months now, and Eric became Olivine’s Gym leader in Jasmine’s place; she left to take care of the ampharos in the lighthouse. After mom died I had to close the bakery house and survive on my salary. We’ve been having a hard time, but… we’re alive.” She said with concern, looking down at the glass desk in the middle.

    “Well sis, I came here wishing we could stay here for a couple of days” He said looking for something in his pocket.

    “It’s your house Kyle; you’re old enough to decide if your friends stay over. You take your room; the girl can sleep in mom’s room and the other man can sleep in the guest room. Please, make yourselves at home” Ashley said and nodded in reverence with a smile.

    The gathering of people split, Taylor and Tony went upstairs with their bags in hand, leaded by young Eric. Ashley and Kyle remained alone in the living room; Kyle went to the kitchen and served some water in 2 yellow plastic cups. Kyle placed one in front of Ashley and said.

    “I read one of your articles, the one about a massacre in Ecruteak.”

    “Yeah… that Kevin Barakat was one hell of a trainer. I forgot to mention that his Ursaring survived, is that what you’re here for no? You’re some sort of cop”

    “That’s right, I’m supposed to make myself qualify for the coordi cup and find out what is going on”

    “You’re going for the coordi cup?!” Ashley said surprised, spitting the water she just drank.

    “What, shocked my Meganium can do pretty stuff?”

    “Meganium?! Wow, I remember when she ran into mom at the backyard and you took care of her, I presume you have more than just Megan.”

    “I do, but first… I think you should see something.” Kyle stood up and took off his shirt, revealing the burn scars in his back. Ashley looked amazed and said.

    “Oh my god, what happened?”

    “Mission on viridian forest, a burning tree fell on my back, giving me 2 months of hospital and the death of a friend of mine. And look, I’m still breathing.” He said while putting back on his black shirt

    “Kyle, there’s no need to prove anything to anyone. It’s pretty clear that you’re not damaged from that assault” She said with amazement. A brief silence feel and she interrupted it “Mom wanted to let you know she’s been always proud of you and that she’s sorry for choking you the way she did. She’s sorry for not seeing how much you grew while on the rehab”

    Kyle opened his eyes in disbelief, and looked down with a sad look. Suddenly he said.

    “I guess you don’t know what you have until you lose it”

    Ashley stood up and walked towards his younger brother, she grabbed his shoulder said.

    “Don’t you have some pokemon skills to show?”

    Kyle looked up and smiled, only to suddenly dash to the far side of the house. Ashley followed as if both of them were 12 years younger. He slammed the back door open and ran towards the middle of the backyard in the middle of the mourning breeze. The temperature was perfect, around twenty four degrees in the huge backyard filled with trees, grass and a lawnmower. Ashley stopped at the door as Kyle tossed the 6 poke balls he had in his belt.

    The flash of the opening made the rest of the people inside the house curious, so they peeked through the window. Eric in excitement opened his window and yelled.

    “Kyle! You have to give me a battle!” Eric jumped down the window and landed on the tree next to it, he swiftly descended and pulled out a poke ball, pointing at Kyle.

    “How many badges have you given away?”

    “I’ll tell you, there’s not been a single challenge to the elite four since I took over Olivine’s gym last year” Eric said rising his chest in pride

    “Fair enough, you want a double or a single battle?”

    “Double battle, standard rules and challenger’s pick”

    Kyle looked behind him and all of his pokemon where standing a little sleepy, except for Megan, who was looking all over the garden happy to return to his house. He looked at his pokemon and said.

    “Megan, Lux, get in there” Megan ran past him and looked at Eric and Ashley. Lux walked in front of Kyle and let out a battle roar.

    Up in the 2nd floor Taylor and Tony looked at the scene.

    “Ooh, he’s taking him seriously.” Tony said with a sarcastic tone.

    “Isn’t it moving this family reunion?”

    “Yeah… 10 minutes in home and they’re already battling, home sweet home”

    Tony replied on the same tone and continued to look down at the Millers.

    “Wow… I remember Megan, but that Luxray is all new to me… alright then. Sauron! Scarface! Go!” Eric tossed 2 poke balls, which showed a Scizor and a Skarmory, both sleepy because of the hour.

    “Hey you two, wake up you’re gonna battle my brother!” Upon hearing this, both pokemon woke up totally, assuming battle pose.

    “Sauron, swords dance! Scarface, slow them down, spikes!”

    The Scizor began dancing frenetically and Skarmory threw some spikes off his wings that landed on Megan’s and Lux’s feet, they stared at the spikes and laughed.

    “Lux, Megan, don’t step on those things. It will hurt you” Kyle shouted and both pokemon responded giving a few steps back. Then he assumed his meditating pose, placing his hand on his chin and the other one across his chest.

    “Ok… spikes on the floor restrain my advance for Lux’s physical contact on either Sauron or Scarface. If I tell Lux to jump, Eric will throw some spikes on the landing zone hurting him. Relying on Lux or Megan to walk past those spikes is too much to ask, they’re not precisely that agile. I need to sweep those things before they attack… Or sweep with an attack. Let’s see… Spark… no… Discharge… no… Charge… no… Scary face might work out. As for Megan… Light screen will do for walking past that mined field… Then scary face on Scarface… got it.” Kyle quickly thought to himself and said keeping his pose.

    “OK, Megan, light screen to cover your advance, Lux, follow closely”
    Megan pulled her head down and a clear wall appeared in front of her antennae and rushed to tackle Eric’s pokemon, with Lux right behind. Spikes began flying in the air, repelled by Megan’s light screen, even some of them flied back at the skarmory’s feet, making it flinch. Kyle smiled and said when his Pokémon approached an attack distance.

    “Lux! Now’s our chance, jump!”

    Kyle’s Luxray jumped from behind Megan and landed a mean face on skarmory while in midair, making him freeze in fear. Megan continued to run straight pass Scarface, suddenly, she stopped and faced up; making the light screen in front of her serve as a landing ground for Lux. Lux jumped on the light screen and made his way to an unaware Sauron.

    “Sauron! Defend yourself!” Eric shouted at the swords dancing Scizor.

    “Oh, hell no, Spark-Discharge Lux!” Kyle swiftly commanded and his Luxray quickly obeyed engulfing himself in electricity. The Scizor stopped and prepared for the imminent impact opening his pincers wide open. Sauron stopped Lux legs with his pincers, only to be reached by an electrified head butt followed by an immense Discharge of electricity that illuminated the morning in the Miller’s house with an intense yellow.

    After emptying his energy, Lux jumped back and again, used Megan Light screen as a support to jump straight to Scarface. Scarface was still paralyzed by his scary face, making him an easy target to the same attack he landed on Sauron a few seconds ago. Lux repeated feat and Scarface quickly fainted, due to a type disadvantage. The Luxray looked back and took a deep breath in relief, Megan’s light screen faded and she jumped in happiness, running to Kyle’s side.

    Eric stared amazed by the speed of Kyle’s attacks and only called his wounded pokemon back.


    “That was… Beautiful, I didn’t even have the chance to react, it all happened so fast… Kyle, if this was a Gym challenge, my badge would be all yours…” Eric said walking towards his older brother, clapping his hands with a surprised look in his face.
    .
    “Good job Lux, Megan, both of you should now rest. Kurt, Aspen, Cole, Romeo, the house is all yours, go crazy” Kyle said at his pokemon, they split and ran indoors.

    “Your strategy is pretty good Eric, I had a hard time cracking it” He told his brother as while placing his hand on the teenager’s head.

    "Hard time? It took you less than 10 seconds to see through it, you could even aim at the coordi cup!” Eric replied, moving Kyle’s hand off his head. Ashley walked to them and said.

    “Well tough guys, I think you should go inside and have some rest, the day ahead is pretty long.”

    The Miller brothers walked inside the house, as the sunlight began to appear distant in the morning sea.
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    Thanks for your time, please review
    Last edited by RoflLuxRay; 9th February 2011 at 2:14 AM.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2010
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    Where the light is
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    It has been certainly a while since I last updated this, but the train goes on, and I still have a lot more of this stored in my computer (like another 20 chapters or so) so here I am, updating my fic one more time. This corresponds to chapter 6 of Kyle Miller's Life and Warfare.

    Author's note: It took me like 3 hours and dedicated proofreading to make corrections on this chapter, I have learned a lot from reading (and reviewing) some of the work in here, so I must thank you for improving my way of writing without THAT many reviews.

    And yes, i (once again) took a part from a song and placed it in Kyle's initial thoughts; it's Vultures from John Mayer. That part catched the feeling i want to express through Kyle, I'm just borrowing the phrase.

    Again, reviews, comments, criticism, thoughts on my plot, anything is appreciated.

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    CP. 6 Vultures

    Olivine City, Sun Burn Bay, Johto, 11:12 am

    “How did they find me here? What do they want from me? All of these vultures hiding right outside my door… I hear them whispering, they’re trying to write it out. They’ve never gone this far, without a kill before... But I think this time, the battle will be a little different; Oh I’m well prepared and waiting… Come out demons, ghosts, darkness… Face Kyle Miller one last time”

    “Kyle Miller, Nineteen years old, Born in Olivine and I am a citizen here too. Twenty two contests won in the past three years; no I haven’t been in grand festival, Ribbon cup or Coordi cup. I own a Meganium, Luxray, Seadra, Torkoal, Kirlia and a Cranidos, they cleared medical checkup, here’s the clearance; Also, this is the first time I participate in this kind of national or international championship.” Kyle handed a heavy yellow folder to a man behind small post in the middle of the beach, right next a boardwalk. The man who had a blue T-shirt stared amazed at him and checked the contents of the folder. Behind the eager coordinator, his family and partners waited on a table with a big umbrella colored red and white; Olivine midday sun, just like Canalave’s, was relentless.

    “Mr. Miller, your entry number is 1023, please read the rules I will hand you. You’re on stage 12:00, please be prepared” The man on the blue shirt handed Kyle a ticket with his name, pokemon, number and starting hour printed around the symbol of the coordi cup.

    He retreated and walked towards the table where everyone was at, raising the ticket to the level of his chest and waving it in an arrogant way.

    “Yes Kyle, you’re in, you can put the ticket and your ego in your pocket, the breeze might take it away” His sister said placing the cup she had on the table with no emotion on the voice.

    “Keep it down, Miller. You’re not god or something, we need you in that cup, stay sharp” Tony added standing up and walking behind Taylor. He was now wearing a blue tropical shirt with flower staples, half buttoned because of the heat, showing the fruits of Tony’s workout routine. On the bottoms he had brown cargo shorts, combined with black dress shoes, the only footwear he found when he went through his luggage for his surprise.

    Kyle stared back and placed the ticket on her pocket, taking a seat next to Eric.

    He was used to the intense heat, given he’s never been more than two kilometers away from his hometown and this reflected in his clothes. Red long sleeves shirt and heavy cargo pants, a little dirty from overuse were his choice.

    “C’mon Kyle, if you defeated the gym leader no one will beat my big brother” His brother said placing his hand on Kyle’s shoulder, His face not even reflected a bit of nervousness, he seemed cool and distant, as usual before facing a presentation or an important battle.

    “Hey Kyle, the first battles are now starting, let’s go and grab a good seat” Taylor said standing up, grabbing the big yellow hat she had before the breeze took it away. Her blonde hair appeared at the sides of the hat, long enough to wave but not enough to cover her eyes. Finally, she was not wearing the ranger uniform she was used to, she changed to a one-piece white dress, pretty revealing to conservative eyes.

    Everyone stood up following the blonde’s movement, but Kyle remained in his seat, staring blankly at the sea. His black shirt waved a bit with the strong breeze. He looked down in between his black dress pants and saw a coin, shining with the sun reflex.

    “Kyle, move it” Eric said touching him in the right shoulder, he shuddered and stood up, taking the coin from the ground, holding it firmly in his hand. He ran to join the group and kept silence.

    “So, Tony, I heard you were at the training world cup final 2 years ago, how was that?” Eric interrupted the moment of peace they had in the boardwalk.

    “Yes, I was, I actually tied for it. It was a tough final against that Ricardo Bilardo from Argentina. I used my Empoleon to fight his Feraligatr in the last round" He looked up and said with some nostalgia "I remember the host country was England; it amazed me how the Wembley arena roared with the fight. In the end, I used hydro cannon to fight a focus punch. Both hits landed and fainted, giving Argentina and Sinnoh the victory. It was the first time 2 countries tied for the world cup. After the tied was declared, I looked at my partners and they were absolutely amazed, their captain’s Empoleon fainted, I reached the final without a single KO against any of my pokemon, feat only accomplished 2 times before. The referee’s decision was a scandal, the award ceremony had no 2nd or 3rd place, 10 guys and just 5 gold medals and 1 trophy. It was a bloody mess.”

    “So it was you the one who eliminated my cousin in quarter finals?” The teenager shouted out of the blue.

    “Mark Miller? Yeah, I did, he was one tough... He and that linoone took down half my teammates, lucky Bastion endured one hit.” He laughed nervously; Eric was in front of him looking at his eyes. Despite this, they didn’t stopped walking towards the battle grounds.

    “I know that Linoone” Eric replied, continuing to stare at Tony with furious. His sister stepped in and pulled him from the shoulder.

    “Stop it” She said in a threatening tone. Eric looked down and walked next to Kyle, who was, still, looking blankly at nowhere in the far right side of the group. This made him oblivious to a pink plate that flew straight into his head and a Ninetales that crashed into him.

    He fell with the Ninetales on top of him and snapped out of his meditation.

    “Oh my god I’m so sorry, are you hurt?” A female voice said in the distance, the fox pokemon quickly jumped off Kyle, wiping any dirt from his clothes and picking up the plate.

    “No, I’m not. But that Ninetales sure smells good.” He looked up and saw woman with tiny cargo shorts and an orange blouse with some cleavage. Her curly brown hair waved as she ran towards Kyle, who blankly stared at the beautiful girl.

    “Oh I’m so sorry…” She said grabbing the plate from Kyle’s hand. Her Ninetales walked next to her, looking down because of her mistake.

    “Nah, its cool, just be careful when you train in a place like this, accidents like these are allowed until someone loses an eye” He giggled nervously, changing the look in his eyes suddenly. The girl looked at him closely and asked.

    “No… Are you Kyle Miller?”

    “Yes, who wants to know?” He replied quickly, doubting of the girl’s intentions

    “I’m Nicole Rooney; remember me?” The girl said with some reservation and Kyle’s head suddenly filled with flashbacks from his past. He opened his eyes widely and stated in a calmed tone.

    “You were the only person I talked to during lunch”

    “Yes, you remember!!” She shouted with joy while Taylor walked towards him and whispered in his ear.

    “We’re going on ahead to the arena, good luck”
    Kyle nodded in approval and his friend rushed back to the group, leaving him alone with Nicole.

    “So, you have time for a drink or lunch?” She asked placing her hand on the Ninetales head.

    “Well I have to be on the qualifying rounds at 12:00…”

    “Oh my god, you’re a coordinator too?!” Nicole interrupted him while shouting in excitement.

    “Yeah, and I have 22 ribbons”

    “22 ribbons?! You have to show me some moves, I want to be in this year’s selection” Nicole continued to shout in both disbelief and amazement.

    “Well, let’s see what you have” He opened his arms and Nicole quickly
    stepped back and tossed 4 poke balls. She had in her possession an Espeon, Raichu, Altaria and a Linoone, all of them walked behind Nicole almost immediately

    “Nice selection and good coverage… I figure you have more than 5 ribbons” He looked in his belt for his pokemon.

    “I have only 11 ribbons, but been in 30 contests. I need to polish in double contest battle these guys lack a bit of cooperation” Nicole stepped aside while Kyle tossed his pokeballs, making all of his pokemon appear next to hers.

    She seemed surprised by Kyle’s pokemon, especially by Lux.

    “You have all of these?”

    “Yeah, I raised them for 6 years now, at least some of them”

    Megan recognized Nicole and greeted her with a smile.

    “And this must be your former Chikorita" She smiled and gently placed her hand on the plant pokemon "Hi there big girl!”

    “Well, let’s go to the stage and show you what I can do with them alright?” He walked past his pokemon, not looking at Nicole and forcing her to follow. The crowd of pokemon followed their masters into the beach, where the qualifying rounds were underway.

    The stage in the beach was mounted in a similar way to a tennis court, with enough seats to hold around 500 people around the arena, where 3 judges determined the fate of the contestants on the right side of it. Behind the 5 meters tall-one, night built-green arena, the contestants were called one by one to compete. Above a man with a notebook; a screen displayed the current contestant number.

    “1022, wow I’ll be competing a bit early” Kyle said staring at the screen, Lux decided to stand next to him, but his master stopped him placing his hand in front of him and saying.

    “Nah… I’ll send Cole” The Luxray stepped back with a smile, disappointed. The number suddenly changed and Kyle approached the entrance without saying a word to Nicole, who remained amazed by his movement. When he reached the man in the entrance, he showed the ticket and stepped in only followed by his Torkoal.

    Seeing this, she looked back and didn’t saw any of Kyle’s pokemon; skeptic, she remained thinking when he called his pokemon back.

    Inside, a lot of pipes held the structure together, and walking people were heard on the wooden ceiling. It was quite dark, only lit by a little light bulb that was barely useful next to the now midday sun. Kyle walked towards the intense light ahead of him, where another man was already waiting for him. He had a headset and a huge beard that covered mostly his face and had a white T-shirt that displayed in black letters:

    Pokemon Coordi cup staff

    The man stopped Kyle’s advance with his right hand and said.

    “Hold it, they have to announce you”

    In the crowd, Kyle’s family and partners were in the first row, right in front of the judges, a perfect view for any performance today. Suddenly on the speaker a male announcer said.

    “And now contestant number 1023, coming from Heinsburg Hills. He has 19 years old and 22 contest won in the last 3 years. The new prodigy of the Miller family and the older brother of our Gym Leader, Eric Miller; without any type preference and a powerful team setup, he his Kyle Miller!”


    Kyle walked towards the stage next to his Torkoal, in the middle of some applause. The crowd was not as cheerful because of the low level performances, a common sight nowadays. The sand stage was full with debris from previous acts. Some leafs, flowers, petals and burn marks tainted the yellow sand in various colors. Kyle walked to the front of the judges, and opened his eyes widely when he recognized 2 of them.

    Next to the local nurse in her usual work outfit, Morgan Johnson, Kyle’s old elementary teacher, was holding a pink cup with some coffee. And next to Morgan, Tom Hughes, an old bad tempered retired cop, was staring directly at him. Tom was the cop in charge of the investigation of Kyle’s assault, which was mysteriously closed for “lack of evidence”. Later on, while on the Ranger Sky Red Ops, he read that Tom was fired from the Olivine P.D because he had been taking bribes to close key cases, or in his case, to save family from jail.

    “Oh damn… Not them… How did they… I guess I can’t back down now; it’s them or the world. I have to get into the coordi cup.” He thought with anxiety”Let’s see… I wasn’t counting on this crappy field, so I’ll use heat wave, then stop the heat wave and shift to overheat, later on… got it” Kyle’s face remained unchanged despite Tom recognized him and glared at him intensely, placing his elbows on the desk. Kyle looked down at the sand and crouched, grabbing some with his left hand. As it slipped through his fingers he quickly thought.

    “Ah… I forgot Olivine’s sand is way too heavy and will not blend until 1200 degrees Celcius, a little too far from Cole’s 800 degrees limit. Using this sun, it will reach 900 tops… Enough to hold itself together for like one minute, enough for a qualifying round presentation.”

    He stood up with a grin on his face, looking at the judges. In the crowd, everyone who ever heard about Kyle was at the edge of their seats, waiting for the fire turtle to make a move, and when he flicked his hand, Cole began glowing in a crimson aura making the temperature rose and becoming even more unbearable for the judges and for the spectators.

    “Hold it… Hold it…” He yelled at his pokemon, who maintained the movement despite showing some fatigue. The sand around Cole began shining in an intense brown color and became heavier.

    “That’s it, Heat Wave!”

    Cole suddenly unleashed a crimson storm around him, raising the sand into the air.

    “Wrap up the debris with the external air generated by the heat wave, do not burn it, be careful” Kyle shouted and the fire turtle let out a roar that moved the heat wave around the arena. As one, the massive intense red wave danced around lifting petals and flowers gently.

    And when the heat wave became mainly just sand, he gave his final order.

    “That’s it; stop the Heat wave and switch to Overheat!” As the command died with the roar of the wave, Cole began to glow even more, melting the sand at his feet which now were intense red, similar to the color of magma. Suddenly, Cole opened his mouth letting out a massive red beam that pierced the sand veil around him. The sand, packed with massive heat, followed the Overheat that crashed in the ground, loosing a shockwave that scared everyone in the venue; and as the impact continued, the melted sand began taking shape.

    Just like the veins in the body spread, the sand and the beam inside began forming a tree.

    “Alright Cole, that’s enough” Kyle said and his pokemon interrupted the beam, returning to normality after a few seconds. In front of the judges, a beautiful tree with leaves and flowers from the debris took its final shape, taking a brown color that resembles that of a real tree, except this one was loosing a bit of smoke from its ‘bark’. Everyone in the arena were astonished, especially the nurse in the judge board. After a few seconds of silence, a thunderous applause filled the arena.

    Some of them were on their feet; other remained in silence admiring the smoking tree in front of them, skeptic from the Torkoal’s feat. Kyle waved his hands at the audience and called Cole back. In the front row, all of his relatives were on their feet looking and cheering for him, except for Ashley, who seemed worried and bit her lips.

    “Silence please” Morgan called to the audience suddenly, making the applause stop. “Joy, you first” He continued, holding nervously the pink cup in his left hand.

    “Thank you Morgan” She said with joyful voice “Kyle is it?” The nurse asked, looking at the file in her hands.

    “Wow! I just can say that Kyle, wow. Despite being a bit rough at the beginning, in the end you certainly showed us the beauty that can be formed with so little. You have creativity; this country needs that if we’re marching to Rome this year. You have my vote for Olivine’s selection.” The crowd followed with applauses; that silenced when Morgan placed his cup down and drew an evil grin on his face. A nervous Kyle gulped; earning one vote for the selection, especially from the local nurse is no big deal. He knew that earning anoother one would instantly get him into the selection; nevertheless, he was more worried about the next judge’s opinion.

    “Torkoal… Where did you learned to do such thing, kid? A tree with fire and sand… Joy is right, you are really creative, but…” He leaned forward and stared at Kyle “I bet if you hadn’t found any debris you would have shown us another presentation and that is another thing this country lacks when it comes down to the coordi cup, we lack adaptability, you have that in you after all. Kudos Kyle, you have my vote for Olivine’s selection too.” Again, the crowd applauded the commentary, which ensured Kyle’s place in Olivine’s coordi cup selection.

    Everyone silenced when Tom raised his right hand high, and then pointed with it at Kyle while loosing a scary evil laugh, those laughs crazy old man do.

    “You have balls kid” He said in a creepy tone “That’s another thing we need on those international events. The balls to innovate, the balls to surprise everyone with such ease, and the balls to use your mind like your best weapon, not your pokemon. I like that in you kid; you will reach amazing heights if you listen to the right thoughts and follow the path marked by those who came before you. Pack your bags kid, you’re going to Goldenrod for the playoffs”

    Tom ended and Kyle seemed amazed by his commentary, he was expecting a bit more of a technical edge from a fierce retired corrupt cop. As the audience applauded his feat again, He climbed the wall and landed on a seat next to Taylor, who received him with a warm hug. Quickly, everyone went nearby to greet the first of the Olivine selection.

    “Looks like these vultures were just in my head. This place was once my home, I think I just became obsessed with my own past and didn’t accept the apparent impunity of the ones who destroyed my childhood. Can I call this bay my home again? I wish Maria was still here with me, I always talked to her about the bay in which I was born. If this is somehow related to Maria, I won’t stop until I find the one responsible for it. Justice; is still on my to-do list.”

    Kyle thought while shaking everybody’s hand, all of a sudden he became a celebrity. But he knew, fame lasts as long as the audience wants to.

    “Up next is contestant number 1024. She hails from the fancy Rose Heights, and is 18 years old. With 11 ribbons behind her career, she is part of a new generation of coordinators that will surely, leave a mark in history. She is Nicole Rooney!”

    The announcer interrupted Kyle’s little moment of fame and a seemingly nervous Nicole walked to the center of the stage with a poke ball in hand, receiving some applause from the, now excited crowd. Cole’s tree was now nothing but a memory, the sand used for it crumbled into a lump of sand with burnt leaves and flowers around, as Kyle predicted it would. When she tossed the poke ball, her Espeon appeared accompanied by a sudden silence, making the young woman further more nervous.

    “Signal beam!” She shouted and the gem in the pink cat’s head began to glow in an intense green color, releasing a rainbow colored beam targeted to the sky.

    “Psychic” The color in Nicole’s Espeon gem changed again, turning deep purple. The green ray split into 6 thinner rays that curved around themselves forming a sphere that glowed in a purple aura because of the Espeon’s psychic movement.

    “¡Shadow ball!” Using his focus, the feline pokemon gathered dark energy around its mouth. When the ball became as big as its head, he threw it at the sphere above him. The ball entered gently and the sphere began glowing in the same color as the shadow ball.

    “Use Signal beam again!” She pointed at the sphere; At this point she was no longer nervous, and it could be seen just by her cocky pose; a hand on the waist and the other pointing the target. Her Espeon’s gem turned green again and released another rainbow colored beam that pierced the sphere from side to side, unleashing a black pulse that spread through the area like a harmless shockwave, followed by sparkling on the air.

    The crowd exploded in applause as the sparkling filled the area, she was eager to hear the judge’s decision. Nicole’s Espeon walked next to her and the audience went silent when the nurse grabbed the microphone in front of her.

    “Isn’t that the girl you ran into a while ago?” Tony whispered at Kyle.

    “Yeah, that’s Nicole. She was the only one I talked to during my elementary, I think she’s gonna be selected, that pretty damn good” Kyle replied leaning towards Tony’s side.
    “Alright then, we’ll keep an eye on her” Tony then returned to his position, crossing his legs in an elegant way.

    “Nicole, I’m reading this is your second year on the coordi cup qualifying rounds, how did we miss you girl? You are wonderful!” The nurse said with true amazement in her voice “This has never happened before; I will emit my vote right now for the second time in a row! For me, you and Kyle Miller are the finest coordinators of Olivine I’ve seen in the past 10 years.”

    “Let’s not get carried away Joy, these kids still have a tough road ahead. The playoffs are merciless" Morgan quickly replied with cold in her voice "Though the presentation was flawless, one thing is the appeal round, and another is to battle. The playoffs are plain, straight battles where the beauty must overcame toughness.”

    “Hey, these kids sure have balls of their own; let’s send them to goldenrod to see if they can revive our pride. We still have to pick other 3 and the day is still pretty young, let’s keep the debate for the final decision alright?” Tom added in a rude tone, forcing the debate to stop and making the crowd fill the air with applauses once again.

    Nicole looked at the crowd looking for Kyle, once he was in her sight, she smiled in a way that brought him some memories he stored away years ago.

    “Let’s go home Kyle, you did a good job” Ashley told to the group, which silently left the arena; Nicole followed them and joined them in the boardwalk, greeting everyone with a big, honest smile.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  11. #11
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    Spanish is your first language, correct? It's my second.
    This is pretty good for not being written in your native tongue.

    The show just came from commercials and the newscaster, popular Jan Materazzi was just about to speak with its characteristic Italian accent:
    I would use "she" instead, to be more gender-specific.
    **People inside all lied on the floor, possibly asleep.
    "Lay" works better here.
    “Hey, Tony, was it?” Kyle said offering a handshake
    Sentence needs a period at the end.
    “You’re safe now; look in what you’ve grown into, a ranger, a coordinator; a friend. I think that is something to be proud of, not for the world that barely destroys you, but for yourself. It’s like giving yourself a huge golden medal for being you, for surviving” Taylor whispered in his ear.
    I really like this passage. Kyle and Taylor become a lot more sympathetic at this point. We can see Kyle's rough past and how Taylor wants to comfort him. So good job with that.
    When they sat, a teenager in a blue pajama rushed from the stairs, his physical resembled those of a Miller, except for the long curly hair and the rare green eyes, rarely seen among the Millers. As he stopped in the middle of the stairs, he said.
    Should be "blue pajamas."
    The flash of the opening made the rest of the people inside the house curious, so they peeked through the window. Eric in excitement opened his window and yelled.

    “Kyle! You have to give me a battle!” Eric jumped down the window and landed on the tree next to it, he swiftly descended and pulled out a poke ball, pointing at Kyle.
    This was good, but lacking in description in a few respects. When Kyle releases his team - and this is just a personal preference, really - maybe describe the Pokemon as they are ejected from their Pokeballs.
    “I know that Linoone” Eric replied, continuing to stare at Tony with furious. His sister stepped in and pulled him from the shoulder.
    You don't stare at someone "with furious;" you do so "furiously" or "in a furious manner." "With fury" is another option.

    Overall, it's pretty good, and a compelling read. Just proofread your grammar and spelling and you'll be fine.
    I'll be online on weekends, mostly, and as often as I can.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3: Should be up by December 31st.

    Dex: 128 created! ~ My DeviantART link to be posted here...once I actually post something on my DeviantART. =P

  12. #12
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    @ gastly man: Thanks for your time reading my work.

    Yes, spanish is my first language : P.

    As usual, my grammar is the weakest point, not surprised.

    Quote:
    **People inside all lied on the floor, possibly asleep.
    "Lay" works better here.
    Correcting, thanks.

    Quote:
    “Hey, Tony, was it?” Kyle said offering a handshake
    Sentence needs a period at the end.
    Roger, correcting.

    Quote:
    “You’re safe now; look in what you’ve grown into, a ranger, a coordinator; a friend. I think that is something to be proud of, not for the world that barely destroys you, but for yourself. It’s like giving yourself a huge golden medal for being you, for surviving” Taylor whispered in his ear.
    I really like this passage. Kyle and Taylor become a lot more sympathetic at this point. We can see Kyle's rough past and how Taylor wants to comfort him. So good job with that.
    Thanks, I made a great effort into making that particular scene emotional.


    Quote:
    When they sat, a teenager in a blue pajama rushed from the stairs, his physical resembled those of a Miller, except for the long curly hair and the rare green eyes, rarely seen among the Millers. As he stopped in the middle of the stairs, he said.
    Should be "blue pajamas."
    Correcting.


    Quote:
    The flash of the opening made the rest of the people inside the house curious, so they peeked through the window. Eric in excitement opened his window and yelled.

    “Kyle! You have to give me a battle!” Eric jumped down the window and landed on the tree next to it, he swiftly descended and pulled out a poke ball, pointing at Kyle.
    This was good, but lacking in description in a few respects.
    When Kyle releases his team - and this is just a personal preference, really - maybe describe the Pokemon as they are ejected from their Pokeballs.
    Just by re-reading it makes me realize it actually lacked a little description, thanks for pointing it

    Well, i have read some people have preference for even describing the pokemon as if no one has ever seen them before. (That i find absolutely unnecessary). I actually thought on describing them at first, but i felt it slowed down the rythm (describing them, landing and stuff takes space of a paragraph, I don't really like saturating paragraphs).

    But, from there on, I think i do describe the way they appear on further chapters.

    Quote:
    “I know that Linoone” Eric replied, continuing to stare at Tony with furious. His sister stepped in and pulled him from the shoulder.
    I actually lol'd right there, i know its WRONG to stare at something with furious... the missing word is eyes!! (100 points for me )

    Overall, it's pretty good, and a compelling read. Just proofread your grammar and spelling and you'll be fine.
    I appreaciate your comments, i've placed 6 months of my life (plus free time) in there. I'm reading and reading to improve my grammar and spelling, I'll get better.

    Thanks for your time.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  13. #13
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    Alright, so I finally got around to reviewing this (partially). I went through the Prologue and chapter one. So far, I'm really enjoying your story. You've got good build-up and you've got me interested in just who this "Maria" is. Good job. I've noticed that you have some trouble with dialogue (as in, proper ways to introduce it and capitalization rules for when you're finished). I've gone through each of your stories in pretty good detail and have pointed out most errors I could find. Once I pointed them out a few times, though, I stopped when it kept happening. Also, you'll need to start adding periods at the end of sentences more frequently. ;3

    Bold indicates my suggesting what to add or just general thoughts about your fic. Underlining means you need to capitalize. Strike through means something needs to be taken out.
        Spoiler:- Prologue:


        Spoiler:- Chapter One:


    Your main character's pretty interesting. I'm excited to read the next few chapters, though it may take a while longer for me to be able to get to them. Feel free to add me to your PM list if you have one. I'm glad I dropped in on this fic! Can't wait to get started on Chapter Two and see just what's going to happen hahah.
    ~Facebook~ | ~Tumblr~ | ~Twitter~
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    This is amazingly spectacular omg! good read good read indeed (:

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    @Dawn_Hero: Thank you, thank you for your dedicated review. Pointing out grammar mistakes is something that makes my skill as a writer grow, I appreciate the time and effort you placed into it. I will make corrections today (just before posting and proofreading chapter 7), i can't thank you enough.

    I'm also glad the plot is attracting to some readers around(the idea of warfare is something i don't see too often here). I know I've posted a lot and there's still a looooot to read, I'm sure you'll find the story interesting (I find it incredibly fun to write), so on you go into the PM list.

    @SatanJr: Well that's a nice change of pace I'm glad you're liking the story so far.

    Both of you, thanks for your time reading my work
    Last edited by RoflLuxRay; 13th February 2011 at 1:18 AM.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  16. #16
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    It is saturday and it's time for the weekly update, this corresponds to chapter 7.

    Thank you for all your helpful reviews and commentaries, they help me a lot. keep em' comin'!!

    I'm also starting a PM list, so if you want to know whenever I update this, feel free to join it.

    On the author's notes: It took me 2 hours to proofread this, and with all the advice I've been getting, I tried to avoid falling into the same mistakes from before, but since nobody's perfect, there should be something in there that I missed... However, I feel more confident about the grammar on this particular chapter.

    The title is something i like of this chapter, I just loooooooooove it.

    Feel free to comment, point, mark, outline, criticize, support my work.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    CP.7 Long lost lives

    Olivine city, Miller Family House, Johto, 6:21 pm.

    “Tony? Yeah… he’s a nice guy. Really quiet occasionally, sometimes too much. I see him really determined and centered on his job, both as a cop and a trainer. Believe me, he’s a tough one. He reached the world cup final 2 years ago and doesn’t spare anyone in a battle. About him? I know nothing besides the world cup final and that he joined the IBI shortly after; but Taylor says he is a really nice person, really educate and polite, one hell of a gentlemen. Perhaps even a prince.”

    Everyone in the living room were sitting somewhere near the TV, the results of the coordi cup qualifying rounds nationwide were about to be announced. Nicole was sitting next to Kyle, leaning her head on his shoulder; however, he remained as cold and distant as usual. Eric was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, constantly on pressure from Ashley sitting on the couch with her legs crossed. Taylor was left of Ashley and Tony was standing with his arms crossed behind Kyle and Nicole. Everyone kept silence when the newscaster, Jan Materazzi announced the sports section and the camera suddenly changed to his fellow journalist, John Poytner. He wore a clear blue buttoned shirt. He became famous after a ribbon cup held in Johto 7 years back, when he was offered a position as a newscaster in the Jubilife TV.

    “Thank you Jan, we’re now going to go sports!”

    A brief cut announcing the sports center came on screen.

    “In Johto, after the unfortunate incident of Ecrueak city, the coordi cup qualifying rounds restarted all over the region. Covering the South conference, the selection of Cherrygrove city is: Matthew Logan, Valery Van Hoafstee, Ivan Reno, Adolph Michaels and Britanny Walker

    In Azalea Town, Peter LeBria, Steve Allen, Kevin Cook, Jason King and Mark Villamizar were chosen for their outstanding performances.

    In the last town of the south conference, Violet City, their selection is: Jean Terry, Fabio Castell, Cynthia Cook, Jeremiah Lavallee and Douglas Knox.

    Those are the selected people for the playoffs in the south conference, flying off to the coast, the selected people in Cyanwood city are: Wallace Stump, Keith Urie, Jennifer Lande, Megan Palladino, Cristiano Laurent

    Following the sun, across the whirl islands, is Olivine city, which presented a surprising record today. 2 of his selection members obtained automatic pass after the performance due to outstanding ability. With the rest of the selection, Olivine’s this year pick were: Kyle Miller, Nicole Rooney, Ashton Bradley, Keira Donovan and Joseph Romeo.

    The report followed covering the rest of the cities across Johto, but Kyle and Nicole celebrated their official inducement into the playoffs with such joy that everyone ignored the TV. In the middle of their celebration, Tony left the house through the front door without anyone noticing it. The celebration involved tacos and soda, wine was forbidden this time due to Eric’s presence. Ashley was serving the tacos when Kyle noticed his captain was missing, he quickly asked if anyone had seen him.

    “No, I guess he’s at the bathroom or something.” Taylor replied surprised by both, Kyle’s question and Tony’s absence. He swept the house upside down and found no trace of him.

    “Where could he possibly be? I know he’s a little reserved, but why would he…” He thought, looking at the setting sun through the window, and an idea flashed through his head. He rushed out of the house and ran his way down the street under the looks surprised of everyone in the window.

    “Yeah… he’s like that. He makes a move and doesn’t tell anyone why he’s doing it” Taylor said drinking a little soda from her plastic disposable cup.

    “He wasn’t like that when he left” Ashley replied walking back into the living room with a concerned look in her eyes.

    “Yeah… he went through something a little hard when he was a ranger” Taylor said sitting next to Kyle’s sister, placing her cup in the glass desk in front of her.

    “Has he changed?” Ashley asked.

    “A lot” she quickly nodded.

    Out in the street, Kyle had ran his way down the hill passing the main street unto the beach. There, Tony was sitting in the sand looking at the sea with his Empoleon next to him. The sea in front of Tony reminded him the sunrise from his hometown.

    “Nice view, Wiley” Kyle sat next to him.

    “Yeah…” he sighed, continuing to look into the sea with distant eyes “it reminds me of Sunyshore. I used to walk down the beach with Leon years ago.”

    “What’s wrong with you?” Kyle asked suddenly, cutting the silence with his straight question

    “Have you lost someone really important?”

    “Yeah, I lost my mother and a friend” He replied instantly

    “At least you have somewhat of an idea to my problem. I…” He sighed again “I lost all of my family at once”

    “Then, judging by your behavior" Kyle assumed his meditating pose "I will dare to say that your problem is courage and anger about it”

    “And I did nothing to stop it…” Nostalgia flooded mind.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sunyshore city, King George III deck, Sinnoh, 4:54 pm, 2 years ago.

    The boat horn sounded when Sunyshore city was in sight. Anthony Wiley was coming home, with a world championship under his belt. He woke up in much excitement after his voluntary lockup in his fancy dorm. The giant cruiser “King George III” was now in his final stretch en route to the port of the Sinnoh region. Tony rushed his way to the main deck of the cruiser, looking for any sign of land in the distance.

    “We’re coming home Leon” he said and Leon, his Empoleon grew excited. He went back inside his dorm and packed everything up, taking the soap and shampoo of the boat as any guest does. Leon helped carrying a couple of bags filled with laundry; Tony was really lazy and decided to wait until he got home to clean his clothes.

    Minutes passed on and the sun began to hide slowly in the distant Mt. Coronet, now standing tall in front of the line of sight. Under the mountain, a few city lights and the lighthouse were visible now as the crowd began to gather with his bags on the sides of the boat, waving hello to the persons waiting for them at the docks. Tony quickly recognized his family on dock 19 and yelled at them, his efforts were futile because of the massive noise caused by all the people around him. The whole town gathered to receive their champion, who had brought the world cup after 20 years of frustrated dreams and lost hopes. Some people had signs; others had brought their presence to welcome the Sinnoh training selection captain. After minutes of tension, the cruiser stopped and Anthony Wiley began descending through the metal ramp leading to the soil that saw him grow.

    Followed by many people behind, Tony began waving at the crowd who screamed his name as one voice. When his entire family approached the ramp he dropped his bags and ran towards them with tears in his eyes. Suddenly, the crowd’s cheers changed for screams, as a gunner with his face covered behind his family gave the first shot to his father in the head. Blood began flowing like a river from his neck down into his white shirt and Marcus Wiley fell like a rock to his wife’s arms; who was shot shortly after. Tony rushed to assist, skeptical of the situation. However, the man behind him pushed off the ramp, free falling into the sea. Even underwater, Tony was able to hear more shots and screams. Scared and concerned, he climbed back to the dock using a staircase and saw the most horrible scene any man can see.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Olivine city, Sun Burn Beach, Johto, 6:21 pm.

    “The man who pushed me off the ramp was no other than Arcthurus LaBrayere. The assault was intended on me, and the IBI knew it. Arcthurus created the task force weeks later, and I was the first agent ever enlisted.”

    “Have you found the person who did that?” Kyle asked, looking blankly at the sky tainted in an orange color

    “No, but someday…” he pressed his teeth in anger “I will find them and call justice upon them”

    “Be careful Tony, there is a slight difference between justice and vengeance” he looked at Kyle with rage in his eyes; his companion remained oblivious to him, still gazing at the sky.
    “Spoken like a true master. But how much do you know about this difference?” he asked with a knot on his throat “I heard little on the plane; isn’t it supposed that people that cause pain to others should be punished?”

    “I totally agree with that, but if you let it take over your life you lose perspective. I really, really want to find the person who took away Maria from me and those who almost killed me when I was a kid. But in the end, it made me who I am, with all my pros and cons. killing them or making them suffer just makes me equal to them, and we’re better than that”

    Tony listened to Kyle’s words carefully, opening his eyes wide.

    “Did your suffering change the way you are?” he muttered
    “It did, it gave me a reason to keep breathing and to fight on. You are the way you are, not the way you are made or forced to be. Suffering and loneliness changes everyone, changes the way they live their lives, or even the way they interact with other people, but… It does make you stronger.”

    “I see… So, you were totally different 6 years ago”

    “Hell” Kyle smiled “I was different yesterday. The deal is to be open for anything that comes; and to allow different things to come, if you stay stuck into something that happened, and use it as an excuse to run away, moving on becomes harder man”

    Tony turned his eyes into the horizon and muttered in acceptance.

    “You have a point Kyle” he turned towads him “but my life isn’t that easy. The qualifying rounds, the mission, the risk… It all comes together now, and dealing it… is…”

    “Tough?” Kyle interrupted him and stared into his eyes, “Yeah, I give myself a lot of that. You see, coming back into this beautiful bay and open myself for human contact was really tough for me. But, let me tell you something, this stuff everyone handles with so much ease and you can’t is there for a reason, and everyone handles it, because it’s in everyone. You’re not impeded to feel joy or stuff like that, you can, you just think you can’t and won’t allow yourself to do so. Trust me; I’ve been around that blue.” He patted his captain’s shoulder and Tony instantly turned his head into the sea again with tears in his eyes.

    Kyle stood up and said, “Well, dinner is almost ready; my house is your house Tony. If we’re together in this, the least we can do is to trust each other” as he walked away, Tony remained in his place with his loyal Empoleon next to him, who seemed worried by his trainer emotional condition. After a few steps in the sand, he suddenly turned saying, “By the way, I think you should talk to Taylor, she knows about this more than I do, and…"He shuddered for a second "oh well, never mind”

    He turned and walked away towards the street.

    Meanwhile, in the Miller house…


    “Why?” Ashley asked in a worried tone, placing her cup in the glass table in front of her, being cautious in it by choosing the glass part as its spot, Ashley disliked any unfortunate incident on the nearby idols.

    “Well… what can I say” she sighed “I met him back at Fiore. At first sight, he was a little cocky and didn’t talk too much to anyone. A girl named Maria was the one who opened him and showed the real Kyle inside. He’s a good friend; he doesn’t thinks twice about helping his friends or even putting his business behind to help someone out”

    “I’m glad you talk so good about my brother, but… what happened?” Ashley asked again, while Nicole and Eric took interest in the topic and sat somewhere nearby to eavesdrop the conversation.

    “Well… eventually, Kyle fell in love with Maria. He really cared about that girl, you could see miles away the love he felt for her. Then, one day, Kyle was sent on a mission to Viridian forest, I’m sure Kyle remembers it better. The mission was proceeding normally, until a fire started in the forest. The last time I talked to Kyle I told him to proceed to a pickup zone not so far from their position. Next thing I know, Maria is dead and Kyle is severely wounded” the blonde drank from her cup.

    “He got burned right?” Ashley interrupted her.

    “Yes, exactly. Kyle was in the ICU for two or three months, most of it on a comma. His wounds healed with help of his Meganium and military medicine. The first thing he did when he woke up was to ask for Maria… I… I was the one who told him about her death” she looked down with nostalgia.

    “It must have been really hard for both of you…but, what happened next?”
    “Kyle cried, for 2 days straight. Every time he woke up, cried his soul out about. When he… stopped crying, he received treatment and post-operatory rehab. Once he was discharged, Kyle went straight to her grave with me" she stopped for a second "And said something I will never forget…”

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Urban graveyard, Fall city, Fiore, 4:23 pm. 3 Years ago

    Heavy rain fell on the outskirts of Fall city, a lonely graveyard received a recently recovered Kyle Miller and concerned Taylor Hadley. Both dressed politely in deep black, they were here to pay their respects to a fallen friend. They walked towards the center of the graveyard covered by a black umbrella; the sound of the drops against the plastic above them killed the silence.

    Kyle stopped when he read under the intense rain: Maria Gallard, devoted ranger, loved daughter. April 12 1991- February 3 2008. She will be missed. On top of the grave, a wet candle and dry flowers layed as gifts from family and other people; Kyle left the protection of the umbrella and the heavy rain fell all over him. His long brown hair covered mostly of his face as the rain washed any spray he used on it. He kneed in front of the grave and looked down.

    “Hey there chick… I’m sorry I was late for our first date. I never got the chance to apologize for such a mistake of mine” Kyle giggled with his words, behind him, Taylor looked at him crying, her tears fell all over her face just as rain would.

    “There… there was so many stuff, there’s so… so much to live yet, how dare you leave me all alone here!” Kyle shouted and he was now crying, but the rain covered every single tear.

    “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” Kyle muttered with regret, “You’ll see, you placed me in a tough position right here, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do Maria… I’m gonna miss you sneaking up on me, your… your immense words about Sootopolis, your fancy ways of telling me no. You see, that grave is right, you will be missed girl. But don’t worry; Alex is not too far away from you. Let me confess you something; remember when you were scared on the mission to Eterna forest? When you told me you were afraid of the dark and I told you that I punched a ghost pokemon? It’s true” Kyle laughed again, cleaning his tears with left his sleeve. He kept a few seconds of silence, muttering something into the grave.

    “Now… “He stood up with determination, “Maria, this is the last time I stand here, in front of you. Not until I have found what is exactly what makes me stand here with my body scared and you 5 meters underground. I will search them, and make them beg for forgiveness. I promise you, Kyle Alexander Miller will have justice this time”

    He grabbed his thumb and bit it, dropping a few drops of blood into the tombstone. Taylor flinched and rushed towards him. As the drops of blood fell into Maria’s grave, Taylor grabbed Kyle and hugged him from behind, but he simply remained indifferent.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Miller Family House, Olivine city, Johto, 6:25 pm

    “I had no idea…” Ashley said surprised by Taylor’s story, Nicole and Eric stared amazed too next to them in the nearby couches. Suddenly, their silence was smashed by Kyle rushing inside the house, he walked inside and everyone stared back at him with a weird look in their eyes.

    “Oh, is my flier open?“ He replied astonished by the situation, looking down at his pants. His flier was closed, yet everyone continued stare amazed at him.

    “Ok… this is weird, quit it” He said with desperation this time, the blonde ranger stood up and walked towards him.

    “Let’s talk upstairs, it’s Tony” She whispered to Kyle, firmly grabbing his arm.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Thanks for your time reading my work.
    Last edited by RoflLuxRay; 16th February 2011 at 2:30 AM.
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

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  17. #17
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    Saturday has finally arrived... no more homework for a day, and with it, enough time to correct and post the eight chapter of my work here, for your pleasure.

    Took me some time, but I finally got it (I've been correcting since thursday), enjoy!!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    CP 8: Our Captain

    Miller family House, Olivine city, Johto, 6:28 pm

    “Every man, no matter how strong or loyal they are, every man has a lie. Hidden somewhere deep within their hearts in a dark corner of their lives. People hang unto it so hard; it’s hard for them to see through it if it becomes an inconvenience for their road. Facing it is another thing; the line between what’s right and what’s not becomes so thin that people make mistakes, horrible mistakes, just for holding to their lie. Who am I to judge anyone’s if my lie leads my way?”


    “Did Tony say anything?” Taylor asked worried, with her hands on her waist. The light bulb shone dimly above them; the blue colored guest room was large enough for two persons. He stood in front of one of the two individual size beds, the one without all the clothes lying around. The light pale green covers showed little use last night

    “Well, I did learn a few things about him, but…” he sat on the bed behind; bouncing on the impact “I think he has some issues”

    “I figured…” she sighed “He’s not been his usual him lately” Taylor looked out at the window behind her; the sun was almost invisible on the sea out in the distance.

    “His usual him?” Kyle quickly replied in protest, “we’ve known him for one day and most of it I spent sleep. You’ve been around him for longer, I buy it, but how much can you learn from someone in only twenty four hours?”

    “More than you think” she turned to face him, her blonde hair falling gently on her face “you are aware I am not just an engineer, I am also quite a psychologist”

    “Oh, really?” Kyle chuckled

    “Yeah, I believe that. I talked to him a little and he’s a nice guy, but has a dark side”

    “Everyone has one of those. Let me tell you what happened” Kyle stood up and approached her cautiously, she looked furious back at him. As usual in him, he avoided eye contact. Kyle was gesticulated while walking around, looking for the right words to explain. He suddenly stopped and said, “He has problems with joy or happiness. He ran when everyone began celebrating that I and Nicole are in the playoffs.”

    “Seriously?” Taylor turned at the window and began thinking; Kyle now looked at the golden hair covering her back.

    “I think you should talk to him about it, I know little of it but I think it’s improper for me to tell you”

    “I see…”she quickly turned back and said with a smile “I’ll talk to him when he returns. Thanks Kyle”

    “You’re welcome” he walked across the room and just when he grabbed the door knob, Taylor said with that worried tone of her, “How is your hometown issue?”

    Kyle remained static and replied, “I never thought coming back home would be so… refreshing. Thanks for your concern girl, I really appreciate it” He left the room and went downstairs, Taylor remained in the room looking at the window. When Kyle saw the darkened living room, he noticed everyone was missing,, after a moment of silence, he heard voices in the backyard. He walked towards the slide door and he heard the main door being opened, he turned to see Tony with his head down.

    “Hey dude, how you’re holding up?” he asked worried, Tony approached him with his hands on his pocket.

    “I uh… I need to… Where’s Taylor?” He asked without looking at Kyle.

    “She’s upstairs, she wants to talk to you actually” Kyle smiled and gave him the thumbs up cheering him up, he turned and left for the backyard. Tony walked slowly though the stairs, enjoying the sound of his feet against the white wood. When he reached his room, the one with the big ‘guest room’ sign, he entered slowly. The silence in which Taylor trapped herself into was now stolen by the annoying noise of an ungreased door. She instantly turned her head and smiled at him.

    “I suppose Kyle told you something” He looked down, walking to the front of the green bed.

    “No, he didn’t” She replied instantly sitting on the other bed “He only told me you might need a friendly ear, so… Here I am Tony, speak”

    Tony’s green eyes filled with tears as he smiled.

    Outside, Nicole and Ashley were out in a little table located right next to the sliding door, having a little talk. They were bonding closer and closer, Eric remained away playing with his Aron in the faraway part of the grass. A little light bulb gave the girls necessary illumination and ambient for a long, exquisite girlie talk. Kyle went for a chair and placed himself next to the girls, who were talking about old boyfriends and heartbreak warfare. When he joined the girls, he remained silent and listened closely to their talk.

    “My ex-ex was this guy from New Bark” Ashley said in that girlie tone some are familiar with,“he is an assistant of professor Elm. He was really sweet, but a real douche when jealous. Once, we went to goldenrod on a date. Can you believe he punched a man at the department store just for looking at me?”

    “Seriously?”Nicole asked “No way” she changed the position of her legs.

    “You girls are always blaming the boys…” Kyle sighed after a little silence; he leaned back on his seat and crossed his arms.

    “Well, you are a boy, so let’s hear one story from you” Nicole said, looking at Ashley in a way to inspire her into plotting against only boy in the table.

    “Let’s see…” he assumed his meditating pose and said suddenly with a serious tone, “I have little stories to tell, however, I have learned a thing or 2 about this kind of issues”

    “Like what?” his sister asked, giving him one of those looks only a Miller can achieve, that looks people find unbearable but interesting at the same time.

    “I’ll tell you later” he fired the same look back “there’s an issue I have to share with you” The girls snapped out of her cocky looks and began worrying.

    “Pay close attention” He said, assuming a serious pose while sitting, both girls stared and almost drooled “It’s about my mission…”

    “What mission?” Nicole interrupted instantly.

    “Oh it’s true; you don’t know I work for the IBI. What I’m about to tell you… is not classified but a little delicate. My mission is to classify for the coordi cup and find out if it’s rigged or not”

    “It’s rigged!” Nicole shouted in surprise, Kyle silenced her with desperation in his looks.

    “We don’t know. Let me tell you what I know…”

    “You don’t know everything about your mission?” Ashley asked surprised.

    “Hey, I just joined the IBI yesterday, the one who knows everything about this is Tony”

    “The other man that’s with you? What about him?” Nicole asked

    “He is my ‘captain’, me and Taylor work under his command, but… he’s going through something right now, so he’s not on his best shape” He sighed, “So, I had to ask you two. I want you to help me out in this. Ashley, your journalist work will help me out, so bringing me any suspicious information should easy my work. And you Nicole, I can help you qualify with me to the coordi cup, making my job a lot easier with a friendly face.” He smiled and Nicole jumping in happiness.

    “I’m gonna be on the coordi cup!” She shouted in excitement, when the window upstairs slid open and Taylor showed her head, asking for Kyle’s presence. He stood up, rushed into the dark house and climbed the stairs quickly. When he opened the door of the guest room, he saw Tony with his eyes red and Taylor next to him, comforting him.

    “What happened?” he asked, walking in front of them.

    “Nothing” Tony quickly replied “I needed you 2 here so I can give you more details and feed you on mission’s advance” His eyes fixed on the window on his far right side “I’m fine Kyle, thanks for your concern” he suddenly turned to him, changing drastically the look in his eyes, “About the mission, hours ago I received confirmation on another assassination, this time in Cerulean city. The person who died was none other than Dick Meyer, brother of the CEO of the KPBO”

    “What?” Kyle asked in surprise “that thing is really rigged…” he looked down skeptic of the news. Tony pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and quicklu dialed a number.

    “I’m contacting Vlad to see what he can tell us about it” Tony pressed the call button afterwards, turning up the volume, enabling everyone in the room to hear the conversation. He held the black cell phone high and said

    “Raichu storm five-two, this is Gyarados one-six, do you receive?”
    After a little interference sound, a male voice replied loud and clear, since no Russian accent was heard, it was obvious the distorted voice belonged to Ryan

    “Solid copy Gyarados one-six, what’s up Tony?”

    “I need to check with you once again the death of Dick Meyer and to provide me on any pertinent news regarding our assignment”

    “Roger, Dick Meyer died today at 11:24 outside of his house in northeast Cerulean city. He received 192 high caliber gun impacts all across his body…” Ryan giggled “poor bastard”

    “Keep the transmission serious Ryan”

    “Sorry, sorry… so uh… Yeah, he died, real bad. The shot were fired from five meters away, trapping him in front of his house. Witnesses confirm two SUV’s and at least ten suspects are responsible for this. Local authorities blame drug cartels for this, and we have good news”

    “Amuse me” a sly smile on Tony's face

    “We have a name! Jason Nakamura. He’s the top dog of some Team rocket remains, we’re currently after him”

    “What about him, you have something against him?”

    “Yeah, Tori followed a shell from the scene. The bullets came over as disguised scrap metal from Veracruz, Mexico. Jason Nakamura was the man in charge of clearing the papers for it to leave and enter customs without any supervision”

    “Good job Raichu storm”

    “Just earning our food, oh and by the way, Tori made it to the final of the Kanto coordi cup qualifying”

    “Good for her, I also have to tell you that Kyle classified instantly to the playoffs”

    “Yeah, we saw it on TV. You qualify tomorrow, right?”

    “Yes, wish me luck. How’s Vlad going?”

    “He’s already qualified, worry about getting inside that championship yourself!”

    “Roger Raichu storm, any other intel you can provide?”

    “Yeah, according to some undercover ops, criminal incidence on Johto has increased in the last 12 hours; they may know you’re there so keep it low”

    “Thanks Raichu Storm, if you receive any news, please report them back here”

    “Ah, yeah, Mexico, U.S.A, Canada, Cuba and Honduras all have their teams ready for both coordi cup and world championship hexagonal rounds; just saw that on the news”

    Tony chuckled, “Ok, thanks for the update; we’ll be on touch, out”
    He stored the expensive cell phone on his pocket, “That’s the update, any comments?”

    Kyle raised his hand while in his meditating pose; Taylor quickly turned her head and gave him a weird look.

    “Yes?” Tony asked

    “Can I help Nicole get into the coordi cup with me?” Kyle asked with a 5 year old kid’s tone.

    “Well…” his captain eyes rolled “Commands orders are for us to qualify into the championships and see what we can figure out, they didn’t mentioned anything about the rest of the selections, so I think its cool”
    Kyle nodded in approval.

    “Ok people; let’s get some sleep, tomorrow I’ll fight for my classification so…”

    “Wait Tony” Taylor interrupted with a worried tone, the expression in his face was now of concern, Tony’s eyes were still a little red, but he was now calm, “There’s another issue, we need to solve between the 3 of us”

    “Oh this is gonna be good” Kyle said with notable sarcasm

    “I… is this the moment Taylor?” the young captain looked down.

    “Yes, the 3 of us are gathered in here and there’s no one around. Kyle, Tony, sit down please”

    Both men obeyed the girl’s command and she stood in front of them like an angry mom would, she sat on the bed in front of them, and said, “Look, we’re all together in this crazy thing. That means we need to trust each other. I know Kyle and I trust him, I just met you yesterday Tony, but you have earned my trust already. You are our captain and I know you are a good one, I saw you in that battle with Kyle, you never doubt of your decisions and don’t regret any mistakes. When I was in the rangers, my sergeant always said to believe in those above us and those beside us”

    “That's deep girl. You have better touch with this stuff than I do” Kyle added while Tony’s eyes filled with tears, he swept off his eyes, and struggling to avoid crying

    “Ok, then. I need you to listen and follow my commands and advices. Also, if these guys know we’re here, we’ll need extra protection. Local authorities will provide coverage and protection during this assignment” He stood up and continued while walking across the room, “Kyle, if your sister is a journalist, she can help us with any news or suspicious people she gets to know about”

    “Yeah, I just asked her that 5 minutes ago”

    “Good, Taylor, you will be our support girl”

    “Like a cheerleader?” She asked offended

    “No” Tony replied shocked by the misinterpretation of his question “no, you will manage the information you get from Tori in Kanto. The IBI provided you with a laptop and the necessary instructions to fulfill your role. Also, your pokemon related assistance is vital, your Blissey’s aromatherapy and Umbreon’s moonlight can help”

    “Little rat has a good nose too, it was trained to search for drugs and that stuff” Kyle rudely interrupted again, looking away from Taylor. After a brief silence, Tony resumed his speech, “I guess that can help too, and also I have a real important question for you”

    In that moment, both Taylor and Kyle stared firmly at him, awaiting the question eagerly.

    “Were you trained in the use of firearms?” Taylor exploded in laughter and Kyle remained serious, looking at the girl’s reaction.

    “Hell no!” she squeaked “we were Rangers, not cops”

    “I can shoot” Kyle raised his hand; she stopped laughing and stared at him.

    “What can you shoot?” Tony asked with an intimidating look

    “People, pokemon, animals…”

    “No, what weapon” Tony quickly replied to Kyle’s, again, sarcastic answer

    “Oh, 9mm, 5.55mm, .45, and once, my Luxray found an abandoned 50. Cal. Never fired it though”

    Both detectives stared at Kyle, skeptic of his shooting experience.

    “Just as a last resort, I know” he said with a defeat tone, as if eager of shoot something,

    “Good enough. So, that’s it for us today people”

    After a short silence, Taylor said with a girlie tone “Group hug!” Kyle quickly ran to it, but Tony remained away, looking at them.

    “It’s cool, Tony, come here” she waved him to come. It took some time for a smile to appear on his lips, but once it did, he happily joined the group hug.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Thanks for your time reading my work, please review
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  18. #18
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    Alright, I'm sorry it's taken so long but I've finally gotten around to reviewing a tiny bit more. :3 Here you go, buddy.

        Spoiler:- Chapter Two: Flowing Motion on Time:


    Well, there's my watered-down review for Chapter Two. I notice that you have quite a problem with run-on sentences. Remember, things are very nice when evenly spaced out with periods. Try to not have more than two commas in a sentence if you can help it, though there are obviously exceptions to this rule at times. It's generally a good rule of thumb, though. Also, you tend to forget to add periods at the end of sentences. Just 'cause it's the last sentence in a paragraph or in a quote, you still need some form of punctuation to end or continue the thought. Finally, I have a huge emboldened paragraph example for dialogue things you need some help with. With that, though, there aren't a TON more problems that we can't work on in further chapters.

    I really like the way your story's progressing. Kyle's definitely a unique character, and I love the way you had him interacting with the ladies, in both the beginning and the end. This is definitely a unique and original idea, and I look forward to reading further chapters as well. (Sorry for the delay in reviewing this chapter, uni's brutal. ;-; )

    P.S.- Your table of contents has a small error. Chapter Three's link takes you directly to chapter two instead. o:

    Excellent story! I look forward to reading more soon hahah.
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  19. #19
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    @ Dawn_Hero

    Oh my, Oh my... I was actually meant to correct this particular chapter like 2 weeks ago, but while doing it, some finger mistakes sent me to the previous page ERASING all my work 3 TIMES. This pissed me off and I said:"F****************K I'll do it later..." and i never did. And I must say that I feel absoulutely embarrased for it, just loking at it makes me feel baaad... I apologize for my outrageous grammar (man i was bad 6 months ago). However, i appreciate the time you took into reviewing this... grammatic insult. I'll make corrections later, for I am swamped with homework.

    And also, I announce that due to this same factor, the chapter 9 is delayed until next saturday... I hate homework...

    Thanks for your time reading my work
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

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  20. #20
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    Aside from a few grammatical errors that Dawn_Hero mostly covered, you did a pretty good job. I especially liked Tony and Kyle's conversation - Tony should be an interesting character to observe.
    “Every man, no matter how strong or loyal they are, every man has a lie. Hidden somewhere deep within their hearts in a dark corner of their lives. People hang unto it so hard; it’s hard for them to see through it if it becomes an inconvenience for their road. Facing it is another thing; the line between what’s right and what’s not becomes so thin that people make mistakes, horrible mistakes, just for holding to their lie. Who am I to judge anyone’s if my lie leads my way?”
    I especially liked this paragraph. It was a good introduction, and exciting foreshadowing.
    I'll be online on weekends, mostly, and as often as I can.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3: Should be up by December 31st.

    Dex: 128 created! ~ My DeviantART link to be posted here...once I actually post something on my DeviantART. =P

  21. #21
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    @Gastly man: Thaanks for your review!!! Always happy to see my work is being read, and I appreciate the time you spent reading it.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    As for this moment, I haven't been able to correct chapter 2 yet, for I've been busy with a lot of stuff, and I deciced to post the chapter I've been correcting for weeks now before making corrections. And yes, this means that Kyle Miller's Life and Warfare chapter 9 is NEXT!!!

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    CP. 9 Would have’s and If’s

    Miller Family House, Olivine city, Johto, 11:43 am

    “Second chances and time travels are both physically impossible and the same things everybody would like to have. To say something you missed or to keep your mouth shut. To erase that stain in your file and forget once and for all about it. I wonder what would have been of me if I wouldn’t have left Olivine”

    “I dropped out high school when my Eevee evolved, soon after I left home and traveled a bit around the country winning some contests. I once entered a ribbon cup, but didn’t clear the first round” Nicole said while looking deeply into Kyle. They were out in the backyard, in the same table as yesterday, except this time an umbrella covered their faces from the sun, occasionally appearing from behind the clouds. Nicole never left the house last night; she stayed over and slept in the guest room with Taylor. Earlier that day, the blonde and Tony left for the beach for the world championship qualifying rounds. Kyle’s sister was inside the house checking his e-mail in the computer hidden under the stairs and Eric was at the gym, attending unlucky youngsters that stumbled across his turf. Kyle’s brown hair constantly waved with the incoming breeze from the sea, and so did his friend’s long curly hair.

    “First rounds are the easiest part” He looked away from her eyes and stared into the sky, pretending to not listen

    “I know, I got too nervous and my Ninetales did wrong… it was all a mess” she wrung her hair, slamming her head against the table ashamed “But now I’m in the olivine selection and tomorrow we leave for the playoffs, I can’t wait” her fist tightened, she was obviously eager to battle. Right next to her chair, Eowin, her Espeon, was listening carefully under the sun her kind tends to love.

    “Hey, let me tell you those things are not easy, they’re battles. Keeping the beauty of an attack while decimating your opponent is not an easy feat, for example” Kyle examined his surroundings, looking for the perfect example. In the distance, his Meganium smelled some flowers near a tree “my Meganium can use light screen, make it look pretty and protect herself from attacks, adding some points to me. Or my Cranidos” He pointed out the little red dinosaur sleeping under the tree “he can clear a flamethrower with his zen headbutt, the concentration aura around it clears the flame in a irregular pattern and protects him from the heat. You need to think fast and see which move is your best counter” The curly hair girl stared again at Kyle, listening every single one of his words, he was looking at her green eyes with a simple look, not showing any particular emotion.

    “You know what you talk about, how did you learn all of this?” She asked curiously
    “Practice" he quickly replied "knowing my pokemon and learning some physics and chemistry. In the ranger academy I learned those last 2. I believe you can beat an Arcanine with a wurmple if you use the wurmple properly”

    “Indeed, Mr. Miller” She looked at Eowin, touching her head gently. A brief silence fell on that backyard. Both looked elsewhere but their faces until Kyle interrupted awkwardly.

    “You want water?” Nicole seemed surprised by the question,“Yes, please” she said with a frown, he rushed indoors and searched for cups restlessly in the huge kitchen, hand made and placed by Kyle’s father, until Ashley appeared behind him.

    “The cups are in that shelf, or grab one from the sink” she said absent-mindedly and he followed directions, finding 2 cups that he filled with water, his sister just stared at him, arms crossed, it was one of those moments when girls just look at you and you have a thousand ideas about what is going through their heads in that moment. Knowing this, kept silence and left the kitchen quickly. When he stepped through the sliding door leading into the heat wave and the backyard, he felt a sudden rush of blood he hadn’t felt in a while. However, he just ignored and placed both cups in the table and took his seat.

    “Can I say something?” Nicole asked worried holding the yellow cup in her left hand, playing with her fingers

    “Sure girl, what is it?” he said with a warm, honest smile

    “I never though I would meet you again, certainly not like this but…” she sighed “You’re not the person I thought Kyle Miller would grow into”

    He remained static, analyzing the question in his mind. After a moment of silent meditating, Kyle said. “I’m happy the way I am. The decisions I’ve made turned me into what I am now, are you ok with me?” he skillfully shifted the concern into Nicole, who was now avoiding eye contact.

    “Yeah, I’m ok with who you are, it’s just… a little surprising the change you made from collective punching bag to self-confident coordinator”

    “You think I was a punching bag?” Kyle asked offended

    “No, no… what I mean is that…” he interrupted “You saw that I was weak”

    “Well, yes… I mean no!” she blushed, Kyle reached his hand and touched her tanned skin “I was weak, but not anymore. I see I’m doing something good if people from my past are this surprised with me” his heart began beating faster, just like the first time he held Maria’s hand to offer her comfort when she found out her mother passed away.

    “I hope… I hope our friendship can grow with this new version of us, the way it would have grown” she said staggered

    “Well, let’s work on it” Kyle stood up slamming his hands on the table, she flinched instantly, and for his relief, Ashley appeared from a side of the door interrupted the moment with news.

    “Kyle, you’ve got to see this” she said absent-mindedly. Everyone rushed indoors and under the stairs, Ashley showed them something relevant for Kyle's mission mission. It was a note from a Mexican newspaper, ‘el gráfico’

    2 pa’ llevar (2 to take)

    Earlier this morning, the federal army stormed a ranch in the outside of a small town in northeast Oaxaca. Inside, the army fired against several commandos armed with high caliber guns, after the shootout stopped, the Army finally arrested Ausencio Esteves Magallon, AKA El Taquero. The assault resulted in the death of more than 30 commandos and 12 army soldiers.
    El taquero is related to more than 50 assassinations and is wanted by Scotland Yard, the FBI, the IBI and the Interpol. Some of the illicit activities he’s related to, besides the distribution of drug all across north America, are the murders occurred in Sinnoh and the recent death of Dick Meyer in Cerulean city yesterday. Also, according to information provided by the secretary of defense, he’s the head of the Gulf cartel. He’s currently being translated to the maximum security facility in Guadalajara, Jalisco, where he will pay for all his crimes.

    Daniela Cano


    “El taquero? That’s a funny nickname” Kyle giggled while reading the note, behind him, Nicole was terrified by the horrible picture in screen.

    “He earned it because he chopped his victims to little pieces" she said in the same careless tone "He’s one of the top dogs of the Gulf cartel, Mexican authorities have been after him for months”

    “Dammit..." Kyle muttered "Tony and Taylor are in the beach” his looked at the ceiling and thought to himself “I’ll go tell them about this” and just like that left he house running.

    “I see it comes from the family” Nicole said with sarcasm. Outside, the sun was covered by a passing cloud, allowing Kyle to run a bit faster without using much energy. One by one, he ran pass any street on his way. When the count reached the number 6, only the main avenue separated him from the beach and the qualifying rounds stages. The traffic lights were in red color, but it didn’t stop his race.

    “Let’s see… We have 16 arenas for 64 participants. Rounds started at 10:00 am, it means that at least 32 people are out and that every single arena is being used. They sort them according to last names, and if he kept his last name he should be using arena 15 or 16” he thought while examining the arenas as he passed by them.

    Several battles were underway, usually between people around 15 to 25 years old. The arenas were mounted on the sand, the lines drawn with white chalk usually got lost under all the sand the battles moved. Separated each other by at least 10 meters, it meant that Kyle ran his way all around the bay to get to arena 15 and 16. And finally on arena 15, Anthony Wiley was just being victorious with his Salamence.

    “Wiley!” he shouted, waving his arms expecting to be seen, Tony turned and recognized him, Taylor quickly recognized him too and approached him carefully, trying to avoid any sand getting into her sandals

    “What is it Kyle?” she asked under her yellow umbrella, her dress waving with the breeze from the sea

    “The man… who killed… Dick Meyer… has been caught” He struggled to articulate, gasping from his 10 minute full speed race around Olivine city.

    “What?!” She shouted in surprise “Where, when, how?”

    “In Mexico, Earlier today and with an old fashioned shootout” Tony walked towards him, Taylor stepped aside and he asked. “What’s the matter?”

    “The man that killed Dick Meyer was caught” Both detectives said in a mechanical way

    “What?!” Tony said flabbergasted

    “Ashley just told me, she saw the note on a Mexican newspaper. What should we do?”

    “Good job Kyle, Taylor, I wan you to inform Tori about this. See if they can send either Ryan or Vlad to interrogate him, I’ve got to stay here, I have another battle in 15 minutes.”

    “Solid copy cap. Let’s go” As Kyle finished; Taylor joined his side and covered him with his umbrella. Tony stayed behind and decided to sit in the bench where Taylor was, to meditate about his upcoming battle.

    Meanwhile, in the Miller House…

    “You like my brother don’t you?” Ashley asked a distant Nicole behind her in that small spot under the stairs. The young journalist was busy writing a note when she dropped the question.

    “Why do you ask?” She replied surprised.

    “He likes you; he’s just too stupid or stubborn to see it”

    Nicole blushed and looked down “I like him too, since we were 12. He’s changed a lot and I admire his strength”

    “He’s been also working out, his physique is good” Ashley said with a chuckle, encouraging Nicole to change the look on her face.

    “You know” she snickered “he’s not the guy I thought he would be… he’s…”

    “A better guy than you thought he would be?” Ashley interrupted

    “Yes… but…” she sighed “Do you think he’s over her dead girlfriend?”

    “That girl Taylor could tell you, I really couldn’t say. I hope things turn out well for you two, he deserves a good girl watching over him”

    The brunette smiled and said “Thanks” and in the same moment, Taylor and Kyle arrived, slamming the door open. The blonde rushed upstairs and he followed her. Nicole appeared startled from all the noise and checked the window, only to see a taxi driving away downhill

    Upstairs, Taylor turned on her pink laptop. As the screen displayed loading, Kyle asked concerned“I need a favor”

    “Sure, what is it?” she smiled, he walked around the room in apparent stress “You girls have some sixth sense with this stuff; I need you to check me while I’m with Nicole, I felt something today” his hands were on his waist, a clear sign of his stress

    “Oh that’s great! She’s a cute girl; I think you should give her a chance” her voice filled with excitement

    “I know, I know… I actually think I should but…” he sighed “I don’t know, girl.” his left hand touched his forehead looking down with concern.

    “Is it because of Maria?” Taylor typed something in her laptop

    “No… well, just a little. I’m not sure if I’m ready for this stuff again” his concern grew bigger with every word “If I haven’t left Olivine…”
    “That’s new” she said with a smirk “You think things would be better if you haven’t left Olivine?”

    “I don’t know” he sighed once more, Taylor faced her laptop and contacted Tori on the webcam, the red haired girl was sitting on her bed with her blue pajamas on.
    “Hi! It’s Taylor” a smile spread across her face “I mean, Gyarados 1-6” noticing the seriousness the transmissions must have, she changed the expression of her face suddenly.

    “It’s cool; you don’t have to follow protocols in this kind of communication. Hi!” She replied stretching his arm searching for a comb, her hair was frizzed and messy.

    “I have news regarding our mission. Our intel showed that the intellectual author of the murders in Sinnoh and the death of Dick Meyer has been caught. Ausencio Esteves Magallon, AKA el taquero. This occurred in Mexico earlier today. Tony told me if you could send someone to interrogate him”

    “They got el taquero!” She jumped in surprise, moving her laptop around “Ok, ok… I’ll send this information to Vlad. Thanks for the update Taylor” she returned a honest smile, showing her slightly bent teeth

    “You’re welcome” the blonde smiled, closing the chat window with a click. She then looked at Kyle, who was still walking around the room restlessly.

    “Calm down, focus on your training and on the playoffs tomorrow” he stopped for a second, trapped in his thoughts “That’s right! The training” he suddenly yelled, rushing though the door and leaving an astonished Taylor alone in the guest room.
    He rushed downstairs and found Nicole sitting alone in the living room watching TV. The same feeling flooded Kyle, he doubted for a second before speaking “Hey Nicole, you want to practice?”

    She looked at him expectantly, a grin slowly drew in her face. She stood up and led the way to the backyard once again. Outside, the day was now cloudier, but the heat wave felt the same when you stepped out of the door.

    “How are we going to train?” Nicole asked with the hands on her tiny waist.

    “You need to learn to battle” he looked around looking for one of his pokemon “Hey, Aspen!” the small dinosaur turned and quickly ran to his side.

    “Alright then, Eowin!” Nicole shouted and the pink feline walked in front of her slowly, enjoying the grace their kind posses when walking.

    “Aspen, zen headbutt!” Kyle yelled and his pokemon rushed ferociously with his head covered in intense blue.

    “Psychic!” The girl commanded, her Espeon’s gem glowed in a deep purple color. An aura of the same color surrounded his opponent, making it floating in the air.

    “You’ve got him” Kyle encouraged “Drop my points, slow reactions don’t add them”

    “Signal beam!” she shouted with determination “Trap him” Eowin repeated the feat she did yesterday on the qualifying, trapping Aspen inside a ball of signal beam.

    “Good job” he grinned in the distance, calling Aspen back to his ball.

    “How was it?” she said from a distance, walking towards Kyle

    “A good way to cripple one of your opponents, but remember, in standard rules it’s 2-on-2. Keep the guard up and provide coverage, if you hold the crippling for long enough the referees may declare victory on your side”

    “Ok, thanks. Can I have you in my corner tomorrow?” she asked giving Kyle a sweet look, no man would resist those green eyes and that pose she had and he was no exception. Long gone ideas flooded his mind as he fell for the look, close from drooling in front of her. Despite this, he kept his face as cold as usual.

    “Of course girl!” he squeaked with a smile, both looked at each other for a second, “Oh my god” she interrupted the silence “I need to pack my stuff! Would you mind helping me?”

    “Sure, your house is not to far right?” he looked up into the sky avoiding Nicole’s eyes

    “No, just uphill” she pointed towards the hill behind the fence, Kyle nodded and walked into the house “Hey sis” he shouted walking towards the door “I’m helping Nicole pack her stuff for the playoffs, I’ll be back in an hour”

    “Whatever” She muttered under the stairs, she was obviously taken writing her report.
    Outside, Kyle and Nicole walked north uphill. Kyle’s neighborhood was well known for its class and distinction. All the houses around showed that Heinsburg Hills was a happy place to live, and just a few blocks uphill, Rose Heights, the place where all the fancy rich people in Olivine lives begun. The main difference between these two places was the size of the houses, from cozy family houses to outrageous mansions hidden amid the hills of Olivine.

    As they walked, Nicole told Kyle about the life in this place and how difficult it was for her to change the bathtubs for the lakes, and the feasts for canned food. He shared experiences of his contests and ranger duty with joy, but constantly avoiding Maria as a subject.

    In between the laughter and happiness, Nicole pointed her house ahead of them; it was just one more mansion in the hills, huge steel gate and front garden, with the security post and the private security watching over who comes in and comes out. She walked over to the post and talked to the security man, it wore any common dark blue uniform their kind do, it’s distinctive brand, ‘Granbull P.S’ was one of the most expensive and the one that was recognized by the big granbull design on their backs.

    “Hi Roger” she said with a smile “this is my friend Kyle, I’m coming in for some stuff”

    “Sure ma’am, welcome home” he said with deep, scary voice, a useful plus to its job. The steel door opened and they entered the property, stepping on the stone path that showed the way into the big wooden double door. Around the path, recently cut grass emanated its signature smell. Some people still worked on it, and Nicole greeted them, those persons have worked for the Rooney family for years. When they reached the huge door, she pulled out a key from her shorts and opened the door. Kyle stared at his surroundings amazed; it was like the house of a royal family. Paintings, chandeliers, rugs, all sorts of fancy objects were neatly sorted around the house. Right in front in front of the entrance, a huge wooden stairwell with red carpet appeared as some shrine to the huge painting of Wayne Rooney, grandfather of the family and first Rooney on Olivine. The painting received the people on the house with a scary look.

    “My dorm is upstairs, follow me” Nicole said and Kyle snapped out of the drooling his glare, he had never seen something either beautiful or fancy in his life. He followed her friend up the stairs into the hallways of the second floor; he will never forget that first pink door on left hand. Because inside, he found something exactly the same as the room Maria described him as the room of her dreams. Pink all over the place. Every single object around was pink, or a color similar to pink.

    “That’s a lot of pink…” he said in a sarcastic way, remembering the words he told Maria

    “Is it? I was obsessed with that color, I began hating my room when I got 15, but my father never agreed to redecorate it” She said wandering into her closet looking for somewhere to store clothes for a journey.

    “Look for a big suitcase, you’re going for the coordi cup” he walked cautiously towards the closet, perhaps scared of all the pink around him. “So pack everything you need for a long trip”

    “Grab everything from the drawers over there” She pointed at the right side of her bed, to a little shelf with three drawers. Kyle opened them and found lots of underwear.
    “Oh god” he shouted and slammed the drawer shut “let me know you want me to grab your underwear!”

    She turned to him with gave him a cold look ”Please” she remarked ”it’s just some panties and bras, you’re not gonna grab fire for touching them and bringing them here”
    Kyle fought his impulses and gathered enough strength to open the drawers, and carefully, grab everything he could hold. Over cumbered, he approached Nicole from behind, trying to see something in between all the pink inside her closet.

    “I found it!” she yelled with excitement and pulled the suitcase violently towards her. She flew back and crashed with Kyle, underwear flying all over the place

    “This is one of the weirdest things that ever happened to me” he said ashamed while handing over a pink bra to his friend.

    “You’ve never seen woman’s underwear before?” she asked in a sarcastic way, grabbing another one from in between her legs.

    “No, but I’ve never grabbed it without getting punched in the face” Kyle replied an Nicole burst into laughter “Now” her laughing suddenly stopped “get over to my closet and grab anything that you think I can fit in” she pointed the other closet door, he stood up and opened it wide open, looking at all sorts of dress, skirts, pants and any other clothes women can wear. Kyle grabbed some pants, a couple of skirts, a few blouses and a yellow fancy silk yellow dress.

    “That should do it, thanks!” she glanced at him, placing all the clothes neatly inside the suitcase.

    “So, what do you think?” she dragged the suitcase around the place, the sound of ungreased wheels screeching in the air. He stared at her in the same almost-drooling state thinking “Well Kyle… you have the ‘thing’ again. This feeling… wow… I forgot about how good looking at girls feels. Face it man, you’re falling for her. Nicole Rooney… I totally forgot about this girl, how could I? She’s beautiful, she’s hot… but she’s still my friend, I have to remember how I worked Maria until that November 25th when we first kissed. This is different, she’s older than Maria, she’s more mature… I think I’m different this time, I’m actually aware of this feeling and not drowning in it like last time. Should I? No… keep holding your breath and save any thoughts of her. Oh… that’s right the mission… Dammit, this will have to be on hold for longer, it will be useful, I will get to know her better as she is and not trusting in who she was 6 years ago, who knows, maybe this will grow bigger with the time…”

    “Your thoughts, Mr. Miller?” she said with a scowl

    “Looking good. Looking good” he snickered and said with a smile, he stood up and glanced at the door “lead the way Rooney” he opened it and Nicole dragged the heavy suitcase behind. Outside in the hallway, the window pane showed the sun burning brightly again and some beautifly passing by in the window, one of them stared at him from outside. He smiled at the butterfly pokemon and thought.

    “Maria would be proud”
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    389

    Default

    “Kyle, you’ve got to see this” she said absent-mindedly. Everyone rushed indoors and under the stairs, Ashley showed them something relevant for Kyle's mission mission. It was a note from a Mexican newspaper, ‘el gráfico’
    Omit the repeated word.
    One by one, he ran pass any street on his way.
    *Past.
    “Yes… but…” she sighed “Do you think he’s over her dead girlfriend?”
    I believe it should be "his..."
    “It’s cool; you don’t have to follow protocols in this kind of communication. Hi!” She replied stretching his arm searching for a comb, her hair was frizzed and messy.
    *Her.
    Great chapter! Enjoyed the thickening plot, as well as Kyle and Nicole's romantic potential Keep it up!
    I'll be online on weekends, mostly, and as often as I can.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3: Should be up by December 31st.

    Dex: 128 created! ~ My DeviantART link to be posted here...once I actually post something on my DeviantART. =P

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    5

    Default

    Write better, it's shi-t

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    3,087

    Default

    I'm so sorry I didn't review earlier! Stupid school... >_>

    Anyhow, I'm really enjoying the plotline and story you've set up here, however my enjoyment is...slightly lessened by all of the grammatical errors. I won't point them out here, but they really are a big problem, to where it's hard to read completely. My suggestion is to get a beta, a person to read over and edit your grammar completely. I could even do it if you would like (mind you, only during the summer).

    Other than that, the plot is good, but please please please edit these chapters better.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Where the light is
    Posts
    223

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    Thanks for both of you for reviewing, I am aware of my gramatical errors, and I apologize for them. They obviously don't help AT ALL.

    I've been trying to spare some time to make all the necessary corrections, and I've considered a beta for this one, to improve its quality and to learn to write better. I know the plot is great, but the way it's presented... it simply doesn't help. I'll try to make corrections soon, I promise

    I sincerely appreaciate the time you took in reading my work
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

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