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Thread: Flames of Dawn -Rated R

  1. #1
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    Default Flames of Dawn -Rated R

    IF YOU REVIEW THIS FIC, I WILL REVIEW YOURS!

    Starting a PM list, if you want to be on it, feel free to post it here, or PM/VM me.

    PM List:
    GastlyMan
    Hey, this is my story, and the reason that I finally joined after a year of lurking/being active on other forums. First, I want to clarify a few thingsy
    1) I am Rediamond. Very earliy drafts of this story exist elsewhere on the internet, and are written by Rediamond. That would be me, and if you have any doubts, PM me for proof.

    2) This is a journey fic of sorts. However, the fact it is rated R should tell you something. This is a very dark journey fic, more focused around war than friendly competition. The teams are based off of a Nuzlocke run, meaning that things die, and the plotline is too dark to really call a journey fic.

    3) This is rated R due to the story's dark nature, large amount of violence, and a little gore. There is no swearing or nudity at all. It is only R to cover for a few battle chapters.

    4) The prologue is purposefully undescriptive and detacthed. The main character will have no knowledge of these events, and I tried to symbolize that by an incredibly vague prologue.

    5) I take criticism for work a lot in real life due to certain projects and orginizations. I love it, and view it as the only way to improve. If you catch something, point it out, but please don't flame or be overly derogatory. Heck, if you notice ANYTHING wrong or weak, tell me about it. Being more than ten chapters in, I guess I should add this. If you don't like the story, stop reading by all means. However, it would really be helpful if you could tell me why you stopped in a post, PM, or VM. However bad your post ends up sounding, I've probably taken much harsher criticism, so I don't care, and it'll help mr in the long run.

    The story is organized into four parts, each of which could function as it's own story, complete with Prologue and finale. It should be noted that they are by no means equal in length. Part One, and it's respective chapters and release dates, are listed below:
    Part One: The Ignition
    Prologue: Cinnabar Incident
    Chapter One: Examination
    Chapter Two: Filed Memories
    Chapter Three: The First Trek
    Chapter Four: Intelligence Report
    Chapter Five: Spark of Destruction
    Chapter Six: Survivor
    Chapter Seven: Hope's Glimmer
    Chapter Eight: The Green Abyss
    Chapter Nine: Angels
    Chapter Ten: Sticks and Stones
    Chapter Eleven: Capitol: 3/18/11
    Chapter Twelve: Decapitation Strike: 3/25/11
    Chapter Thirteen: Fading Light: 4/2/11
    Chapter Fourteen: Lunar Rite: 4/8/11
    Chapter Fifteen: Descending Fate: 4/15/11
    Chapter Sixteen: Harbor: 4/22/11
    Finale: The Congregations: 4/29/11

    And with that out of the way, here we go.
    Part One: The Ignition
    Prologue: Cinnabar Incident

    Oak paced across the length of his office continuously, never ceasing for any cause. The office was his actual home for most purposes, and he had been spending most of his nights here on his office at the island. He had to, because of the incompetence of those beneath him. Three experiments had died in the last week, and he wasn’t happy to say the least. It had all started with that bloody power failure. Oak scoffed; a warning from Zapdos indeed.

    No, Oak doubted that any legendary Pokémon were involved in the accident, and with very good reasons. It was most likely one of those aides he kept running around the place. Some of them were getting restless, annoyed by the total secrecy of the project. Blaine and Pluto just weren’t enough to keep anyone in check anymore. There was always some excuse, a petty trifle that wouldn’t serve as justification in a normal situation, and the administrators just kept caving in. They didn’t seem to realize that lives were at stake here.

    There had been deaths in the project, as was always to be expected. The master project had gotten one recently when some incompetent moron had chosen to ignore its power. He shook his head in disgust. For the best scientists in the world, they were very incompetent. All of them were the same, wasting the government’s money without a second thought. Thier projects cost millions of dollars, and they were just treating them like their average play kit that they used. These men wouldn’t know brilliance if they ran into it.

    That may have been why he had commissioned the Cinnabar project; he was tired of being lonely. Not a single man in the known world could rival Samuel Oak in intelligence, and he knew it. Terra could, but it was different, more ancient: she had given him inspiration. He had been inspired to create something new, something better. He had tried just that on Cinnabar, gathering the best scientists in the world, and creating the best lab in Kanto with the hopes of creating life.

    They had started simple, mere bug Pokémon being cloned, just to test the team under him. The project was pulled off without a hitch, and no major problems surfaced for months. They had moved on to more complex Pokémon, each experiment working spectacularly. Oak’s ambition could be contained no longer: they had tried to create a human.

    The first project was a mere cloning, and it succeeded beyond all expectations, developing into a viable infant and flourishing. That wasn’t enough for Oak; he wanted something on his level. He wanted a superhuman of sorts, something new. The debates had raged for months, but eventually Oak’s power and influence won out, and the project began, with gene splicing projects working around the clock to create a new genetic strand: the first artificially created human. The cell was eventually fertilized, and the cloning process put in place. A suitable mother was selected from among the scientists, and the project had begun, with the pregnancy progressing as expected, with no major flaws.

    Ambition soon became unchecked. Oak wanted something more, something unnatural. He had become fascinated by Terra privately, and wanted something like it. He wanted a Pokémon that could dwarf the mind of any human. He had organized a team of the best hunters to track down the suitable base species. This was eventually determined to be Mew, as it had DNA that could be very easily manipulated and copied; perfect for a cloning project. Among the team were two young trainers, already marked by incredible skill. They had since risen to prominence in the project, joining the elite council of four that reported directly to Oak.

    The DNA was recovered, and the project began to create the ultimate being. The project had been costly, draining millions of dollars from government accounts, but it succeeded in the end, creating a new Pokémon. Oak had been called away by his position, and left the project in the hands of his colleagues.

    Things had started to go wrong about a week ago. A power outage had devastated the island, causing several projects to die off, and the main specimen, the Mew clone, to briefly break free of its restraints. But the human was almost born, and the Pokémon was still alive, and the lab went on, albeit now filled with Oak’s impending wrath about the recent failures.

    Oak was lost in thought on this when the door opened. Two men stepped inside, and Oak regarded them coldly for a moment. “What?” he snarled.

    One of them raised his hand, revealing a remote of sorts. He smiled faintly with a hint of sarcasm in his expression and voice, “I’m sorry Oak, I really am, but I just can’t allow you to go on like this. I regret having to go to this, but I’m afraid that my friend agrees as well.”

    A large, upright figure strode in upon the press of a button. It was clad in mechanical armor, and Oak gaped at the feline-shaped figure. Dazed by shock, he stammered out, “You… how… what is this?”

    Oak gasped in horror as Lance’s eyes flashed light blue with a somewhat electric sparkle, the same color as a memory from long ago. Lance smiled in amusement. “This would be a coup.”
    Last edited by Rediamond; 22nd March 2011 at 8:25 PM.

  2. #2
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    Let's see what I can say about this fic.

    I can't deduce much from this prologue, so I'll say what I can. It seems like an interesting plot. I have no idea whether or not 'Terra' is a human or a Pokemon, but I suppose that's intentional. You gave a nice twist to Professor Oak. One thing I don't understand, though, is that you said it was a trainer fic. Who's the trainer?

    Otherwise, this fic seems pretty interesting. You can expect me to give reviews after each chapter when I can. Excuse me, I have to go work on my own fic. See ya!

  3. #3
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    ^^^Thanks. The first few chapters are PG for most purposes, and are mostly just a little fic on Pallet Town and life within. At about Chapter Five, things jump to R and a semi-journey fic begins. I rewrote the old, crappy excuse for Chapter One. Here is the new, better chapter that I chose to replace it with.

    Chapter One: Examination

    Here it was: the last battle. Nidorino stood before me, ready to take on the Gengar I was about to face. This was my first truly public battle, and there was too much to lose by screwing up here. My reputation was on the line. The opponent wouldn’t reply until I did, I was fully aware of that, but stronger trainers acted faster. “Dig!”

    I could imagine the surprise rippling through the onlookers. I knew what I was doing, and everyone knew it. It was quite an oddity that I was ordering an attack with no effect. Thankfully, the opponent was quite surprised too, or as surprised as it could get. It did absolutely nothing, too indecisive to make a move. That was the problem with powerful opponents. They tended to be unable to recognize the brilliance of “rookie mistakes.”

    Nidorino erupted from the ground, and went straight through Gengar, failing to affect it in the slightest. As the opponent opened his mouth to begin the battle, Nidorino started to fall back through Gengar, who remained intangible. Everything was going according to plan. “Beat up!”

    Nidorino began to thrash violently, tearing apart Gengar from the inside, as it could not handle an elementally charged attack. As the spirit crashed into the ground, one final jet of water ended the match. I had passed the test. I gave a nice face for the cameras as the world dissolved around me.

    When the lights finally cleared and I returned to reality, I took off the glasses I had been wearing. They weren’t noticed inside of the virtual reality system, but they were quite a burden in the real world. I shook my head, holding my hand on my signature red cap as I did so. That always helped me get back to reality.

    As I walked down the hall, I was met by a stream of aides and teachers, each holding out their hands and giving me some generic congratulatory response to my passing of the trainer’s exams. Whenever I heard the “Congratulations Kyle”, I turned around, shook a hand, and moved on. Rinse and repeat.

    I found a way to slip through the back passages of the trainer’s school, not actually arriving onto the ceremonial stage, but instead slipping into the back. I scanned the crowd, and strode over towards Gary.

    When I sat down, he looked up in surprise. “Sorry, didn’t see you coming. Nice job in their anyways, you did surprisingly well for a rookie."

    I shot him a smug look back, “Oh, and I’m sure that you did much better. What was your match-up anyways, Machamp vs. Clefairy?”

    He punched me on the shoulder, but laughed nonetheless, “Well, maybe it wasn’t as hard as yours. I guess that we’ll both be getting our license tomorrow.”

    I sat back, “Yeah, won’t that be something.” Everything was happening so quickly at once. Tomorrow was my fifteenth birthday, as well as the day I would receive my first Pokémon. The two weren’t connected by necessity; in fact, most trainers in Pallet didn’t get their license until long after they turned sixteen. Gary and I were the exceptions.

    Second, the Ariel Day festival was less than a week away. Ariel Day was the largest of the holidays in Kanto, occurring on the Summer Equinox. It was a day of power, symbolic of the Forest King’s defeat. More than two hundred years ago, a legendary hero had defeated the Forest King and its three underlings in battle and secured a single government over Kanto. The king’s followers, Pokémon, had been subjected to human dominance, which had eventually led to trainers dominating, and eventually capturing, reviving, and creating Pokémon.

    Of course, bonds between Pokémon and humans had recovered since the ancient war; but the order of things had been changed. Now Pokémon were viewed as inferior to humans, where as it had previously been equal. Of course, there were those who disagreed with this state of things. Samuel Oak was the head of this movement, but he never really enforced his views. He was a sort of father figure to me, as well as leader of Pallet Town. His views had gradually worn off on me, but not forced.

    Of course, after practically living at Oak’s lab for ten years, it was only natural I agreed with most of the Professor’s views. My mother worked at the lab, so I had an excuse to spend all of my time there. My two best friends also worked or lived at the lab, so it was all right.

    Gary Oak and I were best friends, and one of the most powerful duos at the trainer’s school. We also were the most popular in most cases, which was natural as we were the most knowledgeable about Pokémon and battling. Gary was fine with the popularity; I really just let him take all of it. With the exception of about five people, I kept to myself. I was fine opening up, and wasn’t particularly anti-social, but I would only do it in the right conditions. I had earned the nickname of Red Cloyster at the Lab, a combination based off of my red scar and my reclusiveness.

    The scar ran from my heart across my left arm, all of the way to my hand. It was some sort of side-effect from a bizarre electrical accident at about the time of my birth. I never learned much about that time period, so I had learned not to ask. My mother, Erin Jones, had supposedly been a top scientist in her day, and had helped Oak found the trainer’s school and laboratory within Pallet Town. My father was never mentioned, and it appeared that no one really knew much. My mother always avoided the subject.

    I didn’t expect that my presence would actually be unnoticed, and pretty soon I was listening to the MC call for Gary and I to stand up and be recognized for passing the second part of the exam. I watched the screen more than the crowd, as the enormous screen in the front of the school’s outdoor stadium zoomed in on Gary and I. There was Gary, looking sharp and confident with his black uniform, with his brown hair spiked in his bizarre hairstyle as normal. And then there was me, just there. My black hair almost covered my eyes, so all you could really see was a blank expression under my red baseball cap, not looking unnerved, but certainly not enthused.

    Afterwards, the Professor himself took the stage, and gave a very brief and formal speech about the graduating class, only a few older kids and Gary and I. It was a small town, everyone fit into the stands of the stadium, and there just weren’t that many kids. Most of the town’s inhabitants were older scientists anyways, the crew that had come with Oak to start the lab, and subsequently the town here.

    No one really knew why they built the lab here, and not elsewhere. The only thing special about the town was its location on the South Coast, and even then there wasn’t anything important about that. The only things you could reach from the South Ocean that couldn’t be reached as quickly from the north were Fuchsia City, and the South Islands, which hadn’t been visited in decades. It was claimed that the three storm lords slept there, and no one wanted to invoke their wrath.

    Even then, the North Sea and Fuchsia were obviously superior in positioning, being more central in terms of scientific gold mines. The success of Bill’s lab and the Safari Zone demonstrated this quite clearly. Red was once again awakened by Oak leaving the stage. He didn’t really care what Oak said in public; they would listen to what he really wanted to say later, in private. This was met by a polite applause, which was silenced by the MC, the trainer school’s principle taking the stage. He dismissed the crowd, and the audience immediately stood and made for the exits.

    Gary got to his feet almost instantly, with his usual enthusiasm. He shouted something about the lab, drowned out by the thunder of the crowd’s footsteps and ran off. I watched him go, and followed at my own pace.

    ---
    If you haven't noticed, I changed a lot. I will have the next chapter done today or tomorrow. Since I am not horribly embarassed by the current chapter one, feel free to comment.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 5th March 2011 at 6:10 PM.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  4. #4
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    Great Job! That was a well explained chapter. One thing I don't get is, is Oak good or evil? I can't figure it out, but that is most likely intended,

  5. #5
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    ^^^That is purposeful. All of my characters I ever create are not stereotypical heroes or villains. I will let the reader decide for themselves which characters are evil or noble. I hate good vs. evil books a lot.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  6. #6
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    This is incredibly well written. Although it is a bit short, the fluency and depth of each sentences really makes up for it. While I disagree slightly with the 'good vs. evil book' comment, I can certainly agree that if you can question a character's motives it will make a good story.

    Just some minor errors and questions:

    Blaine and Pluto just weren’t enough to keep anyone in check anymore.
    Is 'anyone' supposed to be 'everyone'? And Pluto? Pokemon Platinum Pluto? With Oak?! I like this already, and we've only on the second paragraph!

    So, judging only on the prologue at the moment, it sounds to me that part of the story will be based around Oak's redemption. It also gives me a sense of a 'You-can't-trust-anyone' type story, which is my favorite kind. That's just the feeling I got from it.

    Nidorino stood before me, ready to take on the Gengar I was to face.
    It sounds right the way it is, but I think you meant 'I was about to face'. And I love the reference to the Red/Blue opening. The battle was sneaky and unexpected, just as you wanted it to be. And the part immediately after caught me by surprise too, but at the same time I expected something like it.

    “Sorry, didn’t see you coming. Nice job in their anyways, you did surprisingly well for a rookie.
    Forgot a quotation mark there.

    And thank you for making the trainers 15, that makes so much more sense to me than a 10-year-old running around dangerous lands. It adds to the realism.

    You really filled in all the gaps that the anime and games left out, don't ya? I'm taking a guess here but is the main character actually the 'clone' mentioned in the first chapter?

    So far it seems really good. This is just a suggestion but try to space out when you post the chapters, you might scare some people off if you post 10 chapters a day. Try posting them weekily or even every 4 days, this will give people the chance to keep up with your story since not everyone is able to be on here all the time. Besides, the longer you wait, the more writing and editting you'll be able to do in between.
    Yu-Gi-Oh: World Tour
    A collab fic (w/ Brandy Beavers & Uninspired Author)
    Sixth Stop is up [2/8/15]

    Heroic Potential
    A Yugioh! fic. Chapter 20 is up [12/14/13]

  7. #7
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    ^^^I forgot about the Pluto from Platinum. On the other hand, they really have the same personality, so why not. I'm going to fix the minor errors. As to the chapter being fairly short, there will be about 40 3-page chapters over 30 4-page ones. I just like to space things out a little more. I couldn't think of a good opening, so I just combined the XD and Red/blue openings. As I only have time to wrote on weekends, I can probably space out chapters to one every thre days or so. Thanks for the comments.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  8. #8
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    I'm sorry it took so long. I kept rewriting this in first and third person, trying to see which was best, and it took me a while to decide. In short: Kyle's narroration will be first person. There will be brief insights into the lives of other characters in third person. There is actually a specific reason for this, but it will not be explained until very late in the fic. Anyways, here is Chapter Two.

    Chapter Two: Filed Memories

    I pushed my way through the masses, never letting Gary get too far out of sight. I ran through the masses, brushing aside people who wanted to talk in as polite of a way as I could think of. I eventually arrived in the relative quiet outside of the Pallet Arena. Gary stood there waiting, and set off the moment I reached him.

    “Why are you going to the lab?”

    He shrugged, “I don’t know. There wasn’t much of a point in staying up in the stadium, and I wanted to do something. The lab is just normally the place I go to do that.”

    I nodded, completely understanding. Both of our families worked almost continuously every day, so we had looked for other outlets. We had both been attracted to the lab by our respective guardians who worked there, and had never abandoned it. We weren’t trainers, so what we could do was limited, but just interacting with the Pokémon was often enough to escape from otherwise complete social isolation. It wasn’t that we couldn’t get human friends; just that the Pokémon tended to ask far fewer questions.

    We walked in an awkward silence for a moment. “So Gary, what do you think your Pokémon will be?” It wasn’t a very creative question, but I knew it would be effective.

    Gary smiled, and I knew I wasn’t the only one who had been obsessed with the question. “I really don’t know, even if Grandpa runs the lab. He’s been remarkably quiet, which I’m sure must be killing him.” We both laughed. Oak was many things, but he was not a quiet man. “There are a few Pokémon that I wouldn’t be suprised to get. I like birds, so it could be one of those. That’s not saying much of course.”

    Oak’s lab held several hundred bird Pokémon in its care. To guess which it might be was trying to find the proverbial Weedle in the forest. I had even less of an idea than Gary; I didn’t like any particular type over another, but hated electric types with a passion. They said it had to do with my scar, but I had never liked voltage of any degree, and that was the definition of an electric type.

    Gary and I continued to theorize, right up until we reached the sleek metallic exterior of the main building. The wall facing the town was well polished stainless steel, with the image of the town appearing right over the lab’s logo. The only break came with the entrance, an imposing glass door big enough for a Snorlax to amble through. Most new trainers were terrified of the door, and it was often said that the biggest hurdle of a Pallet trainer was getting up the nerve to open the door of one of the most imposing structures in Kanto.

    Inside of the doorway, all sense of order fell apart. It was a quiet day with most of the town watching the examination, but a few dozen aides were still rushing around the glass-roofed atrium, bustling on their various paths to keep the lab running. In the center of the atrium was a huge statue of a Fearow, forged out of copper with ruby eyes. It had some special meaning to Oak, but no one was sure of the details.

    We stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do not that we were actually at the lab. Eventually I managed to ask aloud the question that we were both thinking. “Now what?”

    A voice rang out from behind us, as overly cheerful as ever. “Now your journeys may begin. If you would both step into my office, please.” Professor Oak brushed past us, his ever present smile plastered on his face as he took out his keys and unlocked his office door, hurrying inside with Gary and I following.

    His office was his life in an image. The roof and back wall were entirely glass, providing a view of the main plains facility where field Pokémon were stored. Several flocks of two headed flightless birds known as Doduo roamed accompanied by various other species on the horizon, such as the stone tanks of Pokémon known as Rhyhorn and bulls known as Tauros. The other three walls were lined with bookshelves, with a few small stands around the room with books placed on them, some of them still open with the rest containing bookmarks. His desk was small, and obviously made of oak. The only things on it were a laptop computer and a small lamp. The only other thing in the room was a small black file cabinet, its contents unknown to all.

    Oak sat down at his desk, and motioned for us to pull up chairs from the stands. “Well, I must admit that your battles were impressive, and would be very good for even experienced trainers. As such, I believe that I can afford to bend the rules a little.”

    He noticed our confused expressions, and it looked like his smile had somehow gotten bigger. “I mean that I can give you your Pokémon one day early. I believe that it is only in order after your years of work here at the lab. Besides, Lance has bigger things to worry about than two trainers getting their first Pokémon a day early. But, if I do this I must ask a favor of you.”

    Gary and I glanced at each other, and answered in unison, “What?”

    “Oh, it’s nothing big. I just need you to pick something up from the Viridian Pokémart from me. I don’t need a crowd of new trainers objecting to your ‘special treatment,’ so it might help to get you out of town. Besides, you might even be able to catch a Pokémon or two along the way.”

    Gary and I both hastily agreed, and Oak called one of his younger aides, Tracey, into the room. “Tracey, will you take Kyle over to Ivy, the new Pokémon from Celadon? I have to run over with Gary to his Pokémon myself, due to that annoying security glitch.”

    Tracey promptly agreed, and practically ran from the room with me. He maintained his pace right up until we exited the main building, and were walking along the trail through the plains area. “Sorry about that, I just didn’t want to talk over the noise in the main building. Anyways, I’m sure your excited, but I can’t answer any questions until we get to your Pokémon.”

    I sighed, knowing that it was hopeless to argue with the green-haired aide. Besides, it was hard enough to keep pace with him, as his legs and energy dwarfed mine, and I wasn’t short or dull. We half-jogged through the plains, staying just slow enough to avoid a stampede from the Pokémon around us. Tracey hummed softly to himself, always glancing around, checking to see that nothing was paying us any attention.

    He didn’t speak again until he opened the door to the forest aviary, and practically shoved me inside. We were inside of the small mesh cage in the front of the dome, a last barrier to keep anything from escaping, and a nice place to talk without fear of bumping into any of the Pokémon. It wasn’t much hotter inside than outside, about eighty degrees, but the humidity was enough to make it seem hotter than the hottest day ever seen in Pallet.

    Tracey cleared his throat, “I trust you know the basic guidelines of the aviary. Stay on the path, more specifically the path I take. It’s Beedrill mating season, and it’s never a good thing to run into a hormone crazed insect with stingers the size of your head. Also, don’t look up. Some of the birds enjoy the target your face provides. Of course, I’m sure you’re very well aware of this, but I also know that your experience in the actual buildings is limited. Besides, it would really suck to have your first day as a trainer, your birthday, and Ariel Day ruined by a nasty sting from a mother Beedrill.”

    I rolled my eyes, fully aware of the truth of what he was saying, but too well versed in safety briefs to honestly care anymore. Tracey figured he had said all he could, and threw open the door out of the mesh cage, and into the rainforest. Tropical trees stretched away, blocking visibility beyond a few feet on either side, providing the feeling of being trapped in an endless maze. An eerie chorus of shrieks and buzzing prevailed over the world, with the sound of crashing water somewhere in the distance sounding out beneath it. Butterfree danced in the air above, spreading their delicate wings as they paraded elegantly above the canopy.

    Tracey turned to the right, facing a small forest path that was virtually impossible to spot by an untrained eye, as it was little more than a slightly expanded game trail. Nothing heavier than an occasional Hypno walked in these forests, so game trails never got very big in the first place, and little effort was put into expanding the trail, as too many fearsome Pokémon lived within the dome's confines to hope to do it “safely.”

    Tracey slipped into the tree line, leaving me to hurry after him, watching my step continuously. He hurried forwards, but had to go much slower now than he could outside. He heeded his own warnings, and he would never purposefully disturb a Pokémon. After pushing through a seemingly endless supply of trees, that actually couldn’t have been that far looking back at the aviary later, we arrived inside of a small clearing in the trees. A small stream bent into the clearing, stopped at a pile of stones, and then snaked back out.

    Tracey paused for a moment, and then paused by the pile of stones, and hummed a strange, three note tune. The rocks stirred, and I backed away instinctively. A loud yawn came from under the pile, and a green, vaguely reptilian face poked its head out from under the pile. It yawned again, and groggily sighed out “Bulba, bulb.”

    Tracey kneeled down in front of it, and gradually coaxed it out, saying something to it so quietly that I could not hear it. Of course, that could always be attributed to the sheer volume of the background noise. The Pokémon, I didn’t recognize what it was, staggered over to me, and looked up expectantly. Tracey trotted over, and slid a Pokéball into my hand gently. I slipped it into my belt, unwilling to withdraw my first Pokémon.

    “What is it?”

    “He’s a Bulbasaur, and a relatively young one. He used to live in Erika’s gym, but she eventually decided it would be better to let it live with an actual researcher. After all, they are a critically endangered species of Pokémon.”

    I nodded, still to dazed by the shock. I actually had a Pokémon. I had a Pokémon. No matter how many times I thought it, I still couldn’t fully grasp it. “What does it want me to do?”

    “Pet him I suppose. He seems to enjoy being scratched behind his right ear.” I knelt down to pet him, and he let out a strange growl-purr blend. I think it was a sign of pleasure. I was petting my Pokémon. I shook my head, unable to conceal a smile. I was going to have to think of something else eventually.

    After some time of this, Tracey glanced up at the sky. The sun wasn’t quite down yet, but it would be brutal to try and navigate back to the entrance at night. I withdrew the Bulbasaur, which Tracey told me was named Ivy, as I had been trained to do a thousand times. Tracey turned around, and started to head back in the forest. How he kept track of the path, I’ve never been able to figure out, but surely enough, we arrived at the entrance of the aviary as the sun was going down. Tracey dismissed me back to my house, as he hurried away to the main building of the lab.

    I let Ivy out of its Pokéball, and we walked together until we reached my house. A few Rhyhorn were playing in the twilight, clashing against each other with the force to destroy the largest tree in Kanto, but never seeming to harm the other. It was fascinating for me, but Ivy stared at it like it was the most interesting thing he had seen in his life. Looking back on it, it probably was.

    Pallet Town was yet another thing that holds no interest for the average human, but Ivy seemed entranced by. Only a few thousand people lived in Pallet, and most of them worked at the lab. There was a large grouping of tiny houses clustered in the south-east part of town by the lab. The aides lived there. It wasn’t that they couldn’t afford bigger homes than they had, but rather there was no need. Most of the aides were unmarried, and spent most of their time at the lab anyways. The only thing they needed a house for was to sleep in it, and even then the most dedicated slept on the lab grounds.

    My house was the exception. My mother was one of Oak’s top aides, and thus had more money than most available. She also didn’t live alone, yet another reason for her to actually buy something other than a run-down shack posing as a house like so many of the other aides had. Even then, she wasn’t home very often. Regardless, I have since realized that even my house was small compared to houses elsewhere. Ivy had even less of an idea, and treated every building with the respect due to a monument or skyscraper. It was starting to occur to me that it had never seen a city before.


    Oak paced back and forth, lost in thought. The plans were in place, and it was time to act. After fifteen years, Samuel Oak would retake what was rightfully his. And Lance would die. It had been so long since he had seen those eyes, but he was certain that his suspicions were correct. He turned to his file cabinet, and unlocked it with the code only he knew. There were only two drawers, the only two pieces of unfinished business he had. He opened the smaller one, entitled “Operation Galestorm.” There were very few official reports, mostly only personal pictures, maps and journals from that time. It had been what, fifty years since then? Oak shook his head. He was getting old.

    He opened an album with the title “Water Avatar,” and glanced through them, until he came to the picture he needed. There was a form rising out of the water, a demonic avatar created by… whatever it had been. Most of the image was unclear, obscured by mist, until only one thing remained. A pair of pale blue eyes shone brightly from the creature, with an intensity resembling. He had only seen anything like this one time since. That had been exactly fifteen years ago, the day that Lance had dared to defy him. Oak smiled an evil grin that starkly contrasted with his public image. Both operations could be closed at once. Things were going almost too perfectly.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 12th February 2011 at 10:08 PM.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  9. #9
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    After barreling trough quite a bit of the bustle, brushing aside people who wanted to talk in as polite of a way as I could think of, I eventually arrived in the relative quiet outside of the Pallet Arena.
    Bolded word - "Through"

    The way this sentence reads sounds a bit like a run-on. But at the same time it doesn't really sound right if you exclude a piece of it. Maybe if you somehow shortened the center part it'll sound better. How about "[...] politely brushing people aside, [...]" or something along those lines.

    A few wouldn’t surprise me. I like birds, so it could be one of those. That’s not saying much of course.”
    The bold confused me at first. I wasn't sure what "a few" refered to. It might've been because of the way Kyle's question was worded, but others might not have the same problem that I had.

    I didn’t like any particular type over another, but hated electric types with a passion. They said it had to do with my scar, but I had never liked voltage of any degree, and that was the definition of an electric type.
    This actually made me laugh. So I guess we won't be seeing any Pikachu in Kyle's possession. He has a good reason for hating them though, it's understandable.

    It was a quiet day today with most of the town watching the examination
    I don't think "today" is needed, since it sounds a little redundant when you read it out loud.

    We stood there for a moment, each unsure of what to do not that we were actually at the lab.
    In the same vein, I don't think "each" is needed, since it doesn't specify what it is refering to. I know you meant "each of us" but the sentence sounds better without it.

    Also, "not" should be "now."

    Eventually I managed to ask aloud the question that we were both thinking, “Now what?”
    There should be a comma after the sentence, because it leads directly into the dialogue. (Since the sentence is basically the same thing as saying "Eventually, Kyle asked,")

    I think there should be a comma after "Eventually" too, but I'm not sure if it's needed.

    The only things on it were a laptop computer and a small lamp. The only other thing in the room was a small black file cabinet, its contents unknown to all.
    Two "the only"s in a row seems weird to me. Maybe change one of them around a bit.

    “Well, I must admit that your battles were impressive, and would be very good for even experienced trainers. To see that from students was truly impressive. As such, I believe that I can afford to bend the rules a little.”
    You might've done this on purpose, but Oak basically repeated himself in saying the battles were impressive. And going from impressive to very good doesn't really sound like something a professor would say, but at the same time you can get away with this because you did mention before that he and his aides were busy. He could be distracted by something else.

    Gary and I glanced at each other, and answered in unison. “What?”
    The period after "unison" should be a comma because the sentence before the dialogue is the same as saying "we said."

    “Oh, it’s nothing big. I just need you to pick something up from the Viridian Pokémart from me. I don’t need a crowd of new trainers objecting to your ‘special treatment,’ so it might help to get you out of town. Besides, you might even be able to catch a Pokémon or two along the way.”
    Thank you for actually putting some meaning into that almost pointless sidequest. That always bothered me in the beginning of Red and Blue (and their remakes). Why couldn't he have one of his aides get it for him?

    Anyway, I've already said this but I really like how you give a reason for everything that they've never expanded on in the games. Most others would just let them go unnoticed, or include them with just as much meaninglessness.

    It wasn’t much hotter inside than outside, but the humidity was enough to make it seem hotter than the hottest day ever seen in Pallet.
    To be honest, I'm not liking this part to much. We don't really know how hot the hottest day in Pallet is, since it could easily be 32 degrees F there, which isn't hot at all. I'm not saying to compare it to the sun, but the way it's written here is too vague to avoid mentioning.

    Operation Galestorm? Water Avatar? Sounds like Lugia is going to be involved in this evil plot. Oak is really starting to sound like a revenge-driven mad scientist at this point, and I like it.
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    I must agree; Oak wants someone's head? Nuzlocke challenge fic indeed.


    ^ Never underestimate the ability of 1 Megabyte to bring out every emotion imaginable.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SerenadeSP View Post
    Grammar stuff.
    Fixing right now. Thank you for pointing it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by SerenadeSP View Post
    Operation Galestorm? Water Avatar? Sounds like Lugia is going to be involved in this evil plot. Oak is really starting to sound like a revenge-driven mad scientist at this point, and I like it.

    Flames was originally intended to be a sequel to a fic entitled Galestorm. I won't respond in any more detail to avoid giving away anything about the story. Oh, and I seriously doubt that the most overused 'mon in fanfiction will make more than a cameo.

    @Pinsirius: I said it once and I'll say it again: Nuzlocke fic =/= trainer fic. I think that I've kind of set up that impression, and I'm going to say I'm going to go quite a bit further to prove it.

    With that, I'm going to shut up before I say too much.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 16th January 2011 at 6:32 PM.
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    I like how you are writing the story so far. Deep and mysterious enough to leave the reader wanting more but no so deep that the reader loses interest.

    I'm guessing Kyle is based off of Game!Red like how Gary is based off of well...Gary. I also like the twist you put on Professor Oak. Oak is usually portrayed as humble cheerful and an all around nice guy. It's intriguing to see Oak like a mad scientist who wants revenge.

    Overall I'm pretty impressed with this story. Please keep this up. I'll be waiting to see more chapters of this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by catzeye View Post
    I like how you are writing the story so far. Deep and mysterious enough to leave the reader wanting more but no so deep that the reader loses interest.

    I'm guessing Kyle is based off of Game!Red like how Gary is based off of well...Gary. I also like the twist you put on Professor Oak. Oak is usually portrayed as humble cheerful and an all around nice guy. It's intriguing to see Oak like a mad scientist who wants revenge.

    Overall I'm pretty impressed with this story. Please keep this up. I'll be waiting to see more chapters of this.

    Noooo... Gary is based off of Bill.

    [/sarcasm]

    Anyways, thanks for the review. Kyle is Red, but no one would eve name their kid Red, and he doesn't remotely resemble the Ash that everyone would have in mind, so I named him Kyle. Most other names were kept to highlight the contrast between this story and the games.

    I honestly haven't started the next chapter due to school work, and I haven't even fully planned it. It will either be very, very long or fairly short, depending on where I put the cut-off line. I'm leaning towards very long right now, but that could change. It should be up Saturday regardless.
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    Here it is. It is rather rushed, but I had to get through a lot quite quickly, as I want to start the conflict no later than Chapter Five.


    Chapter Three: The First Trek

    I awoke to a methodic beeping beside me as my alarm went off for the morning. I groaned as I slammed my hand down upon it, turning it off. It seemed way too early to actually wake up. I stole a glance at my clock, and wondered for a brief moment why I was getting up at five in the morning. Then I remembered my appointment with Gary I had, and pulled myself upright. Ivy was sitting still on the floor beside me, still asleep even after the alarm. I went off to get a shower, and left him sleeping.

    When I got back, Ivy had awoken, and was in the process of busily tearing up everything in the room to find me. When he saw me walking back into the room, he gave a happy cry and started to rub his head against my leg while I looked at the mess he had made and tried not to kill him.

    I hadn’t remembered that my mom was still at home at five. When Ivy saw her reading the paper at the kitchen table, he gave a low growl, and assumed a defensive stance in front of me. I swore that if Ivy did this to every human around, I was going to have to keep him in his ball whenever we were in public. Thankfully, my mom took it in good spirits and laughed, while I attempted to calm Ivy down to little effect. Some food wholly convinced Ivy that my mom wasn’t a savage monster.

    While Ivy was busy devouring his breakfast, I got out a bowl of cereal and sat down next to mom. She hadn’t gotten home until after I had gone to bed last night, so she was full of questions about the previous day. She listened respectfully to my answers, and laughed or smiled at the appropriate times, the genuine enthusiasm in her bright green eyes always compelling me to continue. She was the youngest at Oak’s lab once, and her youthful energy had gotten her very far in her career until she had me. She was only 20 at the time, and the time taken off so early in her career had really hurt her chances of rising through the ranks. Nonetheless, she was still a driving force at the lab, perhaps only beneath Oak himself. This kept her away from home except when she needed to sleep, but it didn’t really matter much to me. I was always at the lab too.

    About halfway through a story, I was interrupted by a loud banging at the door. I looked down at my watch and winced. I had kept Gary waiting for a very long time. I hurried out the door, Ivy following along beside me while my mom wished me luck on the task.

    Thankfully, Gary wasn’t kept waiting long. He didn’t have the patience to stand there waiting on anyone for more than fifteen minutes, and so he never did. The sun was still very low on the horizon, but I couldn’t see any real anger in Gary’s eyes. In fact, it looked like I would be the one getting the short end of the straw here.

    “What took so long?”

    “Sorry, lost track of time.”

    He grinned sarcastically, “You know I’m the one who’s supposed to do that, right? Anyways, Grandpa gave me something to share with you.” He took a small, cloth bag, and removed five red and white capsules, handing them to me. “We might as well use the trip to get a head start on catching some Pokémon.”

    By this point we were at the north edge of Pallet Town, right where the town met a small forest trail that was seldom used. It wasn’t that the wild Pokémon were overwhelmingly powerful there, in fact, there were no carnivores, so nothing even bothered to train, but just that there was no real need to travel in most cases. In the early morning light, however, the forest seemed ominous enough.

    We got through most of the forest without incident, just sticking to the trail, and absentmindedly discussing anything we could think of, from the Ariel Day celebration tomorrow to tonight’s episode of Deadliest Trainer. The Pidgey were starting their early morning chant, and the sun was shining down from above, completely eliminating the earlier sense of malice that all half-lit forests have about them. About two hours into the walk, Gary proposed that we take a little break. We had traveled a very substantial distance, and we would get to Viridian in an hour anyways.

    It turned out that he had another motive for wishing to stop. Gary laid out a small pan of food beside the trail, and stepped back a few feet and set still on a log. I was about to ask what he was doing, when several things occurred almost instantly. A small, brown bird flew down from the forest to snatch the food, and a red and white orb sailed through the air to meet it. The bird burst into a cloud of light, and was sucked into the ball, which swayed back and forth in Palkia’s judgment.

    Legendary Pokémon weren’t only myths in Kanto; there was very clear evidence for their existence. One of these signs was the Pokéball itself. Shortly after the fall of the Forest King, the ruler of space, Palkia, had met with the human leaders of the time. It taught them how to create the Pokéball, a device for capturing Pokémon. If a trainer proved themselves worthy, Palkia would allow them to store Pokémon in the ball and bring the Pokémon with him. However, there were certain conditions. If Palkia didn’t condone the capture, it would be impossible for the wormhole that the Pokéball required to open, and the capture would fail. However, a very good fight would go very far in appeasing Palkia, and convincing it to allow the capture. Of course, the idea that a single being could monitor every capture in the world was somewhat unrealistic, so most people had come to dismiss the story as legend. Besides, most of the so-called “elder legends” were probably only myths.

    Myth or not, most people madly petitioned Palkia as the ball swung back and forth on the ground, the red button in its center flashing red. Gary held his breath, awaiting the final result when the ball stopped shaking and settled down. Gary had caught his second Pokémon.

    He pocketed the Pokéball, and held out a small pod of food to me, clearly asking if I wanted to do the same. I took the food, and said I would, but I wanted to wait for a moment to let the flock of Pidgey calm down. I turned to Gary, realizing that I still hadn’t asked about the elephant in the room. “So, what was your first Pokémon?”

    He face palmed, unable to believe that he had actually forgotten to bring that up. “It was a Charmander named Ember. It only arrived very recently from Cinnabar Island. It’s apparently pretty rare, but its still pretty vulnerable until its evolved. Here, let me show you.”

    A glow lit up the area for a moment as the light took the shape of a small bipedal reptile, with a tail that was ignited in flames. It jumped up into its masters lap, but the fire on its tail didn’t seem to light up Gary’s shorts. “He’s an aggressive little guy, and doesn’t really restrain himself well. I’m still wondering why Grandpa thought I could teach this guy patience.”

    We both laughed, and I sent out Ivy. He looked around for a moment, smiling happily at the sight of the forest, but immediately cowered close to me when he saw Ember. I grimaced, realizing that this was going to seriously hurt the chances of Gary and I working together at the lab. I caressed Ivy’s bulb, whispering to it softly, while Gary held back Ember from doing anything stupid. I withdrew Ivy as Ember started to wriggle free, and told Gary I was ready to try my luck catching a Pokémon.

    After crossing back to the log, I readied a Pokéball, ready for my first capture. However, five minutes of waiting produced absolutely nothing, and just as I was about to pack up the food, a branch rustled behind me. I whirled around to find myself face-to-face with a small rodent Pokémon, who immediately shied away upon seeing me. I hesitated for a second, noticing that something was wrong. It looked way too scared to be a normal Rattata. It stepped forwards a few paces, trying to get to the food but unsure as to what to make of Gary and I. That was when I noticed the slash marks on its back, evidence of a fight with some other wild Pokémon. I pitied it, and quietly moved towards the food, the Rattata watching every step. I picked up the leaf it was placed on, and slowly swung it around towards the Pokémon. I backed away, and it ran up and started to tear through the bait.

    Much to Gary’s dismay, I didn’t capture it, and was instead content to watch as it ate, noticing little things about it. It was almost certainly female, as few males were that small. It also appeared to be very young, and pretty weak, although the weakness could have come from the apparent attack. After about two minutes, it was done eating, and looked up almost expectantly.

    “There isn’t any more if that’s what you’re wondering. But, you’re free to come with us, and we’ll get more later.” She cocked her head to the side, and then sat down, staring up at my belt.

    Gary rolled his eyes as I stared dumbfounded. “She wants you to capture her, genius. Although if you can’t figure that out, I’m going to seriously doubt how well you could care for her.”

    I rolled my eyes as well, trying as hard as possible to make it seem like I had known that all along. “Of course I knew that. It’s just, I’ve never heard of a Pokémon doing this before.” The Rattata hadn’t moved through the entire sequence, so I assumed Gary was correct, and dropped a Pokéball onto her. There was a much shorter struggle than Gary’s Pidgey, and after a few vibrations from the Pokéball that were probably caused primarily by shock, rather than the desire to escape, the ball stopped moving, and I had capture Pokémon number two.

    Gary and I moved on, noting that we were already running late as things were, and that we didn’t need to waste any more time. I decided to name my new Rattata Dawn, and Gary named his Pidgey Dusk to contrast with my Pokémon. I assumed that this was going to be a running joke.

    After about another hour of walking, we arrived at the edge of Viridian City. There were really three sides to Viridian, each equally important. The first was the oldest, the huge and fortified East wing of town that was crowded with towers, walls, and miniature castles. This was the first line of defense in case anyone dared to attack the Pokémon League, and it did a pretty good job of intimidating any would-be attackers. The second side had arisen shortly after Oak’s lab was created on the coast. It was a supply center for travelers to and from the lab, with a Pokémart and Pokécenter to allow travelers to refresh and obtain more supplies as they head out towards Pewter. This part of town had gotten a very major boost during the construction of the Vermillion Tunnel in an old Diglett path, a massive construction project that had led to an influx of every major corporation in Kanto into Viridian City, which was expected to be a transport hub. Hotels and shelters were built in this wing for construction workers and travelers following the completion of the tunnel. The third wing of town was created to maintain the second. Obviously someone had to live in the city to staff the Pokémart, Center, and shelters. The few residents of the town lived crammed up in the north terraces, right on the edge of the forest.

    Gary and I stared at the town in silence for a moment, before he ran off into the commercial wing, reminding me of our goal for the trip. We hurried by brightly colored buildings and towers designed to accommodate the steady string of travelers that passed by the town on official business. We ran for about half of a mile before reaching the Pokémart.

    The Pokemart was a large blue building, with a Pokéball symbol etched onto the roof. Gary and I hurried through the glass door, causing both of the people in the shop to look up as we entered. One of them was a clerk, dressed in his official work uniform and reading a magazine to pass the time. He didn’t appear to be very old, but it couldn’t have really taken much to work the cash register. The second man was only slightly older, and was dressed in a brown jacket and thick jeans. He had spiky brown hair, and a pair of sunglasses pulled up over his eyes as he read a fossil guide. The clerk eyed us for a moment, noticing that we were from out of town, but not used to seeing travelers as young as we were.

    “Welcome to the Viridian City Pokémart. I trust that you are the kids that Professor Oak was talking about.”

    Gary walked over, staring down the clerk with an aura of confidence. “Yes, we are. We were told that you had a package waiting for us.”

    The clerk nodded, and pulled a brown box out from under his desk, before muttering something in reply to Gary’s thanks, and going back to reading his magazine. I noticed that the other man was getting to his feet as we walked out of the door. I told Gary about this once we were outside, and together we turned as the door opened behind us, and the man in the brown jacket stepped out.

    His voice was gruff, “Can I get you to deliver a message to Oak for me?”

    We were taken off guard for a moment, but Gary replied in the affirmative. “Good. Tell Oak,” he glanced around furtively, making sure that there were no onlookers, “Tell him that Pewter is ready.”

    With that, he hurried off towards the north, presumably towards Pewter City. Gary and I exchanged nervous glances, and stood in silence until the man was out of sight. “I wonder what that’s supposed to mean.”

    Gary stirred from his own thoughts, before walking off towards the Pokémon Center. “It could be anything. It’s probably a project with the museum, though. Grandpa doesn’t really have much more to do with Pewter City.”

    “You know that the look he had was way too paranoid to be some minor notice from the museum.”

    Gary shrugged, “It could be a government project. Grandpa did a lot for The League before he settled down in Pallet. In fact, I’m almost certain it’s a government project. Anyways, it’s probably too late to get back to Pallet today. We’ll have to check in at the Pokécenter.”

    I nodded, noticing the sun’s position in the sky. We were never going to get back before sundown, and no one ever wanted to be on the road at night. We didn’t talk again until we were inside of the huge, red inn. Gary mentioned that they were on business from Oak, and showed the receptionist the package, and pretty soon we were assigned our room for the night. It was customary that those on business from a town leader were given a free room at the town’s Pokémon Center when they were forced to spend a night away from home.

    Before we could go to bed though, Gary had to call Oak with the P.C. to make sure that he knew where we were. The computer screen registered a “connecting” icon before an image of Oak’s office eventually came into view, with Oak sitting at his desk. He glanced up at his computer, and seemed to grasp the situation instantly. “I take it that you’re spending the night in Viridian, correct.”

    “Yes, Grandpa. We also have a message for you.”

    Oak looked confused, “A message? From whom?”

    “We don’t know. The message was simply ‘Pewter is ready.’ He said nothing else.”

    Oak nodded, something clearly displeasing him. “All right then, I’ll tell Kyle’s mother. Thank you for the message.”

    The screen returned to normal as Oak disconnected. He had taken the information about our location well enough, but his reaction to the second question was very troubling. I tried not to think about it too much as I headed off for bed, though. It wasn’t really my business. I stayed up for a while after that, reading a book on Kanto history that was in the room. As I glanced up to go to shut off the light I froze. I blinked, trying to see if I had been imagining things, and noticed that there what I had seen was gone. I tried to dismiss it as an illusion. After all, I was on the second floor, with no trees around. There was no possible way I could have seen a face staring into the window.

    ---
    Tracey stared down Oak from across his desk, shocked by what he was hearing. “Pewter is ready! How did they even find out about this!”

    Oak shook his head, clearly not knowing either. “I don’t know. But one thing is certain here: the plans have been leaked to one leader, and quite possibly to more. I haven’t talked to Blaine or Pluto yet, but this is big news.”

    Tracey stared out into the twilight scene in the office window. “Will you cancel the plans, then?”

    Oak scoffed, “Cancel! After all of the work we’ve put into this there will be no cancellation. While this has made things harder, the facts remain the same. If we wait any longer, we will never win.”

    Tracey’s gaze bore into Oak’s, “Why do we even need to win? It’s not as if Lance is really that bad.”

    Oak glared back, a look of fury in his gaze, but absolutely no expression in his voice. “Do you want to know why we should fight Lance?”
    ---
    A girl clad entirely in black slid down the red wall. She had been careless, and paid because of it. Such a rookie mistake, she thought to herself with disgust. This was not going to go very well with her father, she was certain of that. But she was now certain of one other thing as well. He had the scar. He was really the one.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 12th February 2011 at 10:09 PM.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

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    I haven't commented in a while, have I? You've gotten pretty good since I first read your work. Chapters two and three were pretty nice. I like how you've expanded on Gary and the main character. I wonder why they're fighting Lance, but that will probably be revealed later

        Spoiler:- Spoiler:

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    wow this story is drak indeed, but i like it all the same
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    848: Thanks a lot! Seeing as how the last two drafts of this had no character development, that's a very good sign. I did get around to reviewing your story.

    Typhlosionvsworld: Thanks for the encouragement! Just to let you know, the story gets much, much darker from here.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 22nd March 2011 at 8:52 AM.
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    Here it is. Yes, the chapter is finished. No, Kyle/Oak are not in it. Please review.


    Chapter Four: Intelligence Report

    A middle age man with a permanent smirk on his face gazed out a tenth-story window, slowly sipping his tea. Viridian City, his city, stretched out before him in the evening light. Despite the late hour, civilians and soldiers still bustled around in preparation for the events of Ariel Day tomorrow. Incidentally, the man was also planning for the events of the next day, but his were far different. Intelligence had been solid, which meant that his intelligence chief was getting a raise. He briskly walked over to his computer, intent on leaving himself a note to take care of himself.

    He was interrupted by two knocks on the door, the signal for an executive. The man didn’t even glance away from his work, “Come in.”

    The door opened without a sound, and a tall man cloaked from head to toe in black stepped in. Wasting no time, he began his report. “Master Giovanni, we have found something very important.”

    Giovanni looked up from his computer, surprised. Koga normally started with whatever he had to say, and let the boss judge whether or not it was important. “Would you mind sharing with me what it is?”

    Koga sat down at the table in the center of the room, and Giovanni followed, wondering what kind of report couldn’t be given standing up. “My daughter found the Cinnabar project.”

    Giovanni’s eyes bolted open in shock, as he tried to come up with words. “She found him! The most powerful weapon in the-“

    “No, not that one, master.”

    “What other Cinnabar Island project is there then!?”

    “The human.”

    “I thought we had the- oh, that human. Remind me why this is important, especially since I have deemed his location a non-issue.”

    “You are correct. It was unimportant, fifteen years ago, anyways. Now with Operation Eclipse underway, I believe that things have changed.” Giovanni waited, and Koga continued, “We need any potential lure for D9 that we can get. D8 won’t work, as it knows she works for us, and won’t come anywhere near her. However, it might be willing to appear for another survivor of Operation Dawn, that isn’t associated so directly with Lance or Team Rocket.”

    Giovanni nodded his head, thinking through his intelligence chief’s statement. “How is your daughter sure that this is really D7?”

    “He has an erratic scar on his left arm. Beyond that, he is about fifteen, and from her reports he looks like D7 was expected to at age fifteen. He is also from Pallet, and was on business from Oak. If that isn’t enough for you, I’m not sure you’ll ever accept claims of D7.”

    Giovanni smiled, and reminded himself to give Koga a substantial raise. “Very well, hear me out for a moment. First, he must not die tomorrow. Second, I want your daughter to trail him following tomorrow’s strike. She will make sure that nothing happens to him that would kill him, or cause him to not cross paths with D9. Third, he must never be captured for any period of time. It would be a shame to have D9 reject him. If all of these conditions are met, and D9 is captured because of it, you will become quite powerful after Eclipse is over. Is this clear?”

    Koga smiled, enjoying his increasing status in Team Rocket. “Yes, master. I have nothing else to report, by your leave, I will go.”

    Giovanni waved his hand dismissively, and Koga left the room, his footsteps silent. Giovanni gazed out the West window of his office, finishing his tea as he stared into the distant glow of the Indigo Plateau. Old rivalries were stirring. He would take care of Oak first, but if he got his hands on DL9, Lance would be next. Giovanni smirked as the sun set in the window behind him. Everything was going according to plan.

    “Janine!”

    “Yes, father.”

    Koga spiraled around to face his daughter. He hadn’t seen her when he walked in, and that was something remarkable indeed. “Very good, I see that you’re skills are improving.” Koga paused, always unsure of how to word things for his daughter, “Will you follow me, there is something I need to tell you," he told her, in the same formal and somewhat distanced voice he always used, even with his daughter.

    Janine followed with no objections, keeping her pace three feet behind her father. She was dressed entirely in black like Koga, and had his black hair, but that was where the similarities ended. Koga was a tall man, about six-six in height. Janine was as short as her father was tall, only reaching to five feet at the age of fifteen. She had bright blue eyes, that almost glowed with energy, while her father’s were a dull and lifeless shade of brown. These facts, combined with the fact that Koga wasn’t married, had long made Janine suspicious that Koga wasn’t actually her biological father, so it hadn’t come as a shock to her when she was told the truth.

    Koga sat down in an armchair as grey, dull, and ancient as the house around them. “Well, Giovanni has another assignment for you.” Janine’s heart sank. If Giovanni ever had a task, it was normally something brutal or heartless, often involving the capture of Pokémon or assassination of an individual. That was bad for the normal person, but Janine’s abilities made it far worse. “Don’t worry, it’s not a normal assignment. You’re task is to trail the boy you found last night. You must keep him from being injured or killed, but most importantly he must not be captured by a gym leader.” Addressing Janine’s confused look, he added, “Lance doesn’t know about him yet. Oh, and he can’t be captured by Team Rocket, either. But if it comes down to Lance or Giovanni, make sure Giovanni gets him. Also, if at all possible, avoid being seen.” Koga breathed deeply, realizing how fast he had been going. “Any questions?”

    Janine smiled, realizing the luck of her assignment. She replied curtly as always, “None. Is that all you wanted me for?”

    “For the moment, that is all. You are staying with me in Viridian for tonight. Your assignment will begin after we determine his whereabouts after tomorrow. You are dismissed, unless you wanted to talk.”

    Janine shook her head, “No, I don’t need to. I’ll be off.” She stepped into the shadows, before silently racing down a hallway in her father’s home. She was relieved that she had gotten this assignment out of all of the possible wartime scenarios that she had come to dread since Operation Eclipse was conceived. Oak’s attempts to stop it, and the threat of war that accompanied it, had only made the situation even tenser. But by some miracle, she had gotten the non-violent road. There were other benefits too, although she didn’t want to admit them. She had never met one of the Cinnabar projects, and she had always wanted to. She wanted to know someone else rejected because of birth.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 12th February 2011 at 10:09 PM.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

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    Hey guys, I got a snow day, so Chapter Five is here. This is where the plot actually starts, so feel free to review.

    Chapter Five: Spark of Destruction

    The noise in the stadium died down abruptly as the first notes of the national anthem blared from the speakers. Gary and I stood with the rest of the crowd for the duration of the song, mindlessly singing the words that had been drilled into our heads since the first day of school. Immediately following the anthem, Professor Oak took the stage to call the Ariel Day festivities to order. He cleared his throat; the noise amplified by the microphone, and began his speech.

    “People of Pallet Town, we are gathered today to celebrate two-hundred and five years since the fall of the forest king. Things have drastically changed since then, with Palkia’s charge to humanity and Pokémon, and the advent of an intercontinental empire. I wish to speak to you about the current state of the latter today.”

    An uneasy murmuring rang from the crowd. Oak’s Ariel Day speeches were often saturated with abolitionist messages, but he had never gone so far as to insult the government. “As you may be aware, the Elite Four as we know it is a small group of advisers to the ruler of the empire. The current Elite Four is made up of three trainers selected by the old champion, and one selected by the current leader. I wish to speak to you about the purpose of the fourth.” He paused for a moment and continued, passion rising in his voice, “The final member of the Elite Four was selected by Champion Lance following a coup fifteen years ago to the day. This would have been perfectly normal: just a new champion defeating the old. However, something made this event different.”

    “Lance used a genetically engineered Pokémon I created at the last lab in order to take over the country. In other words, he stole a Pokémon of the former leader to seize power.” A ripple of shock raced across the crowd, as the implication of Oak’s words began to take hold. First, Oak was publically calling Lance a thief and a cheat. Second, Oak had stated that he was the former champion. Oak paused for a moment, letting the implications set in before continuing, “This Pokémon is powerful enough that whoever controls it cannot be defeated by anything other than a legendary Pokémon. In other words, Lance intended to rule the country completely unopposed by any of the old checks and balances.”

    “Obviously, this didn’t happen. Lance lost control of the Pokémon, and has so far been unable to recapture it. He has been benevolent to the people, and obeyed normal customs in order to prevent a revolution. This, however, is about to change. Lance is the sort of person who will not hesitate to gain absolute power over the nation if he has the chance, and he is about to regain the power to do so. Within four months, he will recapture the ultimate Pokémon.” A roar of confusion was rising from the crowd, but Oak yelled over it. “This cannot stand! For our continuing freedom we must-“

    Oak stopped, and instead stared bleakly into the sky. The crowd slowly calmed down, and followed his gaze. A bird of sorts was approaching the town. Yet another panicked stirring came from the assembled, until the Pokémon dived straight into the arena, and hovered above the crowd. It was a Dragonite, a large bipedal orange Dragon with a white underbelly. On its back was one of the most famous figures in both continents. He was a slender man with wild red hair dressed entirely in black: Champion Lance.

    Before the crowd could panic, Lance began his rebuttal to Oak. “Very amusing, Samuel, but I’m afraid it's checkmate for the second time. Even without D9, did you really expect you could defeat me?” Lance shook his head, emphasizing his point. “Foolish actions require consequences I’m afraid.” He turned his Dragon around, and roared out to the silent crowd. “You have five minutes! Anyone who wishes to join this man’s doomed rebellion, stay in here. Those who care about their lives have five minutes to leave.”

    Oak’s face was drained of all color, but he began to rally his courage, and raised the microphone again to shout is reply to the champion. “Don’t be so confident, Lance. How about we decide the fate of the country the honorable way, one against one.”

    Lance laughed, apparently finding the challenge funny. “Why on Earth would I do that? You see, even if you beat me in a battle, the country wouldn’t just suddenly revert to your control. There are other leaders, as you may be aware. How about we decide things another way. Your fate will be decided, one against one.”

    Oak nodded, realizing he couldn’t expect much more. He flung a Pokéball from his belt, letting the battle begin. “Metagross, let’s show this upstart true power!”

    Gary slugged my shoulder, bringing me back to reality. “Come on, let’s get out of here!”

    “Leave, but-“

    “Of course we should leave! We shouldn’t be anywhere near Lance, in case…”

    He trailed off, but his message was clear. I glanced around, realizing that the rest of the crowd remained rooted to their seats. I nodded to Gary, and we rushed out of the stadium, leaving behind two titans clashing in mid-air.

    Outside of the stadium, we were met immediately by my mother and an even bleaker scene. Unnoticed by the entire population of the town in the stadium, hundreds of soldiers in black uniforms were pouring in from the north. A small formation of guards had assembled near the North entrance of the stadium, but it was clear they were hopelessly outmatched. Gary and I stood transfixed by the incoming army, a grim realization settling in. It didn’t matter if Lance or Oak won. Pallet was going to lose. To my dismay, Gary began to move towards the formation of lab scientists standing in the path of the encroaching force.

    I ran after him, tackling him into the ground when I finally caught up. “Are you crazy! There’s no way that we can stand up to that!”

    Gary got onto his knees, and screamed at me, “So, you’re just going to let them die!”

    I screamed back, “It wouldn’t matter if we helped! We would only get in the way!”

    Gary grabbed me by the shoulder, and whirled me around to face the defending formation. He solemnly made his final point. “Look at them, and imagine yourself trying to explain to all of them why you didn’t even try.”

    I scanned the crowd, unable to ignore Gary’s request. Tracey was there, along with most of Oak’s top aides. Leading the group was… my mother. The distance between the two forces was less than two hundred meters, but I ran forwards anyways, ignoring the logic that had guided me earlier. She saw me when I got close, and yelled at me one last command before she engaged the enemy. “Get to the lab, now!”

    Before I could reply, she had unleashed her Garchomp, a rough bipedal dragon with enormous scythes, and ordered her first command of the battle. I stood in shock for a moment as the clash began, and finally came back to reason. I ran towards the lab, not bothering to look back to check if Gary was following me.

    I burst in through the metallic double doors in a frenzy, and ran all of the way to the door to Oak’s office. I collapsed there; breathing heavily and beating back tears. It was all over, and I knew it. Even hiding here was only delaying the inevitable, and why my mother didn’t want me to go quickly was a mystery to me. The sounds of the battle rang out, even through the lab’s thick walls. It was clear that the army had breached the stadium, and Lance’s promise had been fulfilled. No one in that stadium could possibly survive. I realized that Oak was wrong. Lance didn’t need to be kind to prevent rebellions; he could easily put them down if needed. No, Oak was wrong about everything. I bitterly realized that all of this wasn’t even necessary.

    I was interrupted from my thoughts by the double doors creaking open, and a soldier entering the room. He was dressed entirely in black, with a red ‘R’ on the front of his uniform. I reached for my Pokémon, but the sound of my movement caused the soldier to notice me. He chuckled when he saw it was only a kid, and unleashed an Arbok, a huge purple cobra with vibrant markings on its hood, to finish me off. Ivy appeared at my side, but I knew that he was horribly outmatched by his opponent. Knowing this, I still decided to continue anyways. I might as well go down with a fight.

    Arbok slithered forwards with a blazing speed, and had Ivy in his jaws before I could give an order. Ivy struggled in vain, unable to break free of the fangs that were crushing it. When all seemed lost, the doors flew open again, and a huge purple Pokémon burst into the room, and slammed the soldier into the ground. Arbok dropped Ivy in surprise, and slithered back to meet its opponent. As it lunged forwards to deal with the new attacker, a voice rang out from the doorway. “Mega Punch!”

    Arbok reared up to intimidate its challenger, when the spiny purple Pokémon leapt into the air, and smacked Arbok straight in the face, causing it to collapse to the ground. Tracey entered the lab, surveying the damage, before tossing a Pokéball into the air. “Nidoking, withdraw.” He turned towards me, and spoke in a rushed manner. “Get out of Pallet, now. Once you’ve escaped, go to…” he trailed off, trying to decide his next word. “Pewter City. Is this clear?”

    I stared at him, still shocked to be alive. “But, I don’t know how to get there.”

    Tracey closed his eyes, thinking of an answer. He eventually reached for his pocket, and tossed out a Pokéball. “Ariel knows, have her lead the way. Until then,” he nodded his head at me once with a sense of finality, and rushed out the door to continue the battle.



    Blaine’s heart sank as he approached the ashen wasteland. He realized with a sense of dread that Oak had been right, and Lance had been alerted of their plans. He gazed out across the charred landscape, and noticed no signs of life, or preservation. Everything had been destroyed. He nodded to the ferry captain, and pulled himself over the boat’s railing, his feet hitting a layer of ash when he landed. He tried not to look at the bleak scenery around him as he walked, solely focused on reaching the predetermined location. He eventually got to the ruins of Oak’s office, quite a long walk for an old man. He paused, hoping for any positive answer; as he threw open the cover to a small, dank bunker under the office. “Is anyone down there?”

    He was reassured by a loud cough, as a man almost as old as himself, climbed a ladder out of the bunker. Samuel Oak had seen better days, and he seemed almost unable to focus, his eyes constantly losing focus and then zooming in on random objects. His coat was burned and torn in various places, and he was covered completely in ashes. He was coughing uncontrollably when he got out, and Blaine interrupted him as soon as he stopped.

    “So, how’d it go?”

    Oak shot him a murderous look. “Do you really expect me to answer that?”

    Blaine stood, and Oak followed, the two walking in silence through the silent remains of Pallet Town. Oak asked the next question, “Did everyone else have better luck?”

    Blaine nodded eagerly, glad to have some good news to report. “Lavender was secured with almost no resistance, and Pewter City’s rebellion was apparently unknown to Giovanni and Lance, leading to no attempt to put down the rebellion there. Fighting is still going on in the streets of Vermillion City, leaving us with three city fully secure. That is, if you count Cinnabar as a city.”

    Oak nodded, glad that they had still come out with as many cities as they had hoped to get. “Maybe Flint can help us make up for the setback here.”

    Blaine nodded, and asked the question he had been too afraid to ask thus far, “How many dead.”

    Oak stopped, and stared Blaine in the eyes. “The entire population of Pallet Town, with a few possibly escaping into the forest, where I’m sure they’ll be hunted down relentlessly.” With that, he whirled around, leaving Blaine ashamed for asking.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 12th February 2011 at 10:10 PM.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  20. #20
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    First things first - I loved this. Please add me to the PM list!
        Spoiler:- Review for earlier chapters:

        Spoiler:- Chapter 5 Review:

    Actually, you did a really good job dialogue-wise. The only suggestion I can offer would be to make each character's speech patterns unique. When your characters talk, you want them to have their own individual voice. For example, some will use slang more than others, some will stutter constantly, others will joke about everything....really, dialogue varies between characters in two primary ways: speech patterns (choice of vocabulary, volume, etc.) and content (optimism/pessimism, humor or lack thereof, and so forth).

    Overall, though, this was great!
    Okay, is anybody even reading anymore? I will probably stop updating this after the next two chapters, but if anyone actually cares, feel free to object.
    Aagh! Noooo! Always keep updating even if you don't get a lot of reviews. I've been a bit inactive lately because I've been busy, but I'm here now, see? The main thing is to not give up. ^_^

    Chapter 3 Progress: 6%
    Better banner also in progress!

    Dex: 128 created! ~ Artwork

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    Thanks for the review! Anyways, now that I'm not in one of my very bad/depressed moods, I really regret posting the last comment anyways. I posted a general outline for the first part of the story, although the dates are probably off, as I have campouts and will be unable to post on certain days. Anyways, I'm posting yet another rewrite on ff.net, so I'm working on implanting suggestions on dialogue there. The next chapter begins to seriously develop the personality of Kyle and his Pokemon, along with the additions or a few new team mates. Also, I'm running a new Nuzlocke challenge, and am using that as the basis for the fic now, as the last one was mostly a Venusaur-Vaporeon solo.

    I'm pretty sure that the returning week to school after a quadruple snow day is going to be pretty hectic, so I will certainly not update until next Saturday.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  22. #22
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    Chapter Six: Survivor

    I’ve never understood nature. For instance, I didn’t get how the sun could rise brighter than before, even after so much devastation. I stared daggers at it that day, constantly thinking that it wasn’t fair. It seemed so untouched and above it all, almost mocking the mortality of the world below. It might have seemed peculiar to most, a teenage boy looking at the sun with more hatred than the average person feels in their lifetime, but I didn’t care. There was no one left to see it.

    At least the wind knew what it was doing, blowing coldly and mindlessly across the horizon, scattering the ashes of my world into the surrounding forests, spreading the sense of gloomy decay around. I can’t really describe my emotions that day, but I assume they were like that wind. Cold and deserted, with no actual thought, only filled by the ashes of thousands of dead; the only burial they would ever get.

    Pillars of smoke told me that the town was still burning, but I didn’t dare to go back. I didn’t really want to go anywhere, and if it wasn’t for Ariel, I probably wouldn’t have. Ivy and Dawn didn’t get what was going on, chasing after the ashes and playing in them like they were snowflakes. Ariel was Tracey’s female Pidgey, always distinguishable by a Pinkish stripe running up its back over her tan coat. She seemed to have some sense of grief, flapping from tree to tree more sluggishly than her kind normally did, not uttering a single note. Of course, she could have just been spiting me for taking away Tracey and filling her sky with ashes. Young Pokémon can be like that.

    As the sun began to lower from its apex, Ariel started to stir. She ruffled her feathers, the sound of them softly scraping across each other breaking the perpetual silence. Suddenly, she locked her gaze on me, her golden eyes staring me down with an intensity that seemed almost unnatural in the eyes of a bird. She started humming quietly, her voice moving up and down within the confines of an octave, never letting her gaze off of me.

    I started shouting at her, “What do you want from me!?” I bit my tongue as I heard the echo, berating myself for making my presence known when there were probably still soldiers about. Part of me thought differently though. Part of me didn’t care, almost screaming inside of me, asking me why I even bothered to go on. I tried to ignore it, still too stunned from yesterday to actually get the energy to deal with the issue at the moment. I went on in a quieter voice, breaking down into tears as the weight of the last day finally began to settle down. “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. They’re gone. All of them, are gone.” Hot tears were running down my cheeks now, but I carried on between sobs, “It’s over. There’s nothing left, nothing to ever go back to. It’s all gone.”

    Ariel cocked her head, her golden eyes examining me, almost certainly disgusted by my weakness. Ivy seemed perplexed, and stared out at me from around a tree, unsure on whether to advance or stay where he was. Ariel moved first, fluttering from her perch down to my shoulder, but sitting in silence for the moment. I moved up my hand, running it through her feathers to help me retain some since of sanity during the breakdown. She started to hum, the vibrations resonating softly from her throat at first, but gradually increasing in intensity until they filled the forest, with several other Pidgey nearby joining in.

    The tears slowed from there torrential pace, until they barely leaked out at all. I raised my head slightly, engrossed in the sound despite all else. As the last sobs subsided, I glanced up at Ariel, who had resumed her old perch during the song. I started to piece together my shattered emotions, I felt nothing, but at the same time every shade of feeling I had ever experienced was there. I looked down for a moment, staring into the darkness behind my eyelids. I smiled slightly, “Thank you.”

    Ariel just cocked its head, almost as if it was asking ‘Are you done yet?’ I laughed quietly, and she seemed taken off guard. After all, I had just spent the last twenty-four hours sulking. I’m not sure what I felt at that moment either and I’m not entirely sure that’s a bad thing. I stared at the ground for a few moments, and then looked up again, intensity fixed in my eyes. “I want to go to Pewter.”

    Ariel chirped, pleased by my response, and fluttered off through the forest, leaving me to follow. I dragged myself up to my feet, fully feeling the night spent sitting on rocks. I withdrew Dawn and Ivy into their Pokéballs, and jogged ahead. Ariel was waiting at a tree ahead, but the moment I approached, she would simply fly even further into the forest. I had to hand it to Tracey; his Pokémon certainly were not afraid to express themselves. As the afternoon wore on, Ariel flew further with each jump, and waited for a shorter period of time, gradually dragging me up to a sprint just to keep up with her. I was starting to question just who the trainer here was.

    After about two hours of the trek through the forest, Ariel stopped. When I walked into the clearing she had flown to, she simply didn’t get up and fly off like she had been doing. I shrugged, and sat down. After all, she was only a new Pokémon, and I was exhausted as well. That’s when I noticed the tan blur streaking towards my face.

    Just before it reached me, another streak cut it off, throwing both Pokémon engaged in the fight off to the side as I jumped to my feet. Ariel was fluttering in the air in front of me, exhaustion from the fight ignored for the moment. Staring her down was a Mankey, a tan ball of fur with comically short appendages and an even shorter temper. It was stomping the ground, all the while grunting and growling with every ounce of force it could muster. My mind raced through all I had learned about local Pokémon, trying to think of why it would be attacking. Then I remembered something: it was breeding season for most species of fighting-types. I had just paraded into its territory with a female Pokémon, and it was doing the only logical thing at the moment: challenging me to a duel to the death, and Ariel was trying to defend me.

    Unfortunately, the world doesn’t just stop while you think. Mankey lunged forwards, and had pinned Pidgey down before I could give an order. I rushed forward to save Ariel, not even thinking. Somehow I was outsmarted by a creature with a peanut-sized brain. I should have noticed that Mankey wouldn’t harm a prospective mate. Instead, it was just clearing a way to me. I was just making things easier. Mankey leapt into the air, claws ready to rip my face off. I didn’t even have time to act impulsively, still in shock as the creature descended, engrossed to the point where I almost didn’t notice the Pig Monkey Pokémon give out a cry of pain, and almost didn’t notice the beak sinking into its back. It whirled around in a blind rage, and charged Ariel, claw poised to strike her, right in the heart. It would have all ended there, my journey ended by a lonely Mankey. Then my hand clenched around a cold sphere in my pocket. “Pokéball, go!”

    The shout echoed across the forest, causing even Mankey to stop and turn towards me, facing the red and white orb that hurtled towards it. It watched as the sphere opened, sucking it deep into its confines. It struggled as the ancient rite as old as the league came to pass, with the ball shaking, once, twice, three times, until the clearing was silent at last.

    I rushed over to Ariel, swiping up the ball as I went. She stirred weakly as I picked her up in my arms, opening her eyes to reassure me that things were going to be all right. But I saw the gash, a claw marking over her breast, tearing into her flesh just above the heart. She closed her eyes, and purred, the sound growing weaker and weaker as the sun set, bringing Ariel’s soul down with it.


    Aside from the soldiers, only one person walked the streets of Viridian. The military had cracked down on the city, with patrols still out looking for the remnants of the rebel factions that had been crushed the prior day. Janine didn’t particularly care, showing any soldier, either Team Rocket or standard military, her Team Rocket badge. While she got a lot of strange looks, only one person had bothered to press things any further. He was standard military, wearing the white and red uniform associated with it. He had tried to ask more questions, where she got the card, who her parents were, where she lived; all of which were answered by silence. Eventually, he had gotten fed up, and sent out his Gloom to subdue his suspect. That had been his undoing. Janine had been training for close to nine years, and easily defeated the new recruit, leaving him to scurry away with a simple, “Carry on.”

    Gunshots and explosions had echoed from parts of the forest periodically throughout the day, all of them followed by a rush of soldiers to the site of origin. It wasn’t really needed: anyone found was dead almost immediately after they were sited. None of the bodies dragged back particularly concerned Janine, beyond her idle musings on who they were. She was only interested in one person, and if a body was brought back, she had failed already. There had been a false start earlier in the day; a teenager had been sighted making his way up to Pewter. However, a quick interview with the witness had quickly determined that he wasn’t the target. She had been walking the streets aimlessly when she heard the shout, almost inaudible due to distance, “Pokéball, go!”

    She glanced around, seeing if anyone else had heard it. To her pleasure, no one appeared to have noticed. She slipped her black cell phone from her pocket, punching in a few numbers on the keypad. When it was finally answered, she whispered, “Due East of the Town Center, checking it personally,” and slammed the phone shut, slipping it back into her pocket. She quickly glanced around her, more out of habit than necessity, and ran off towards the east.


    The man glanced up from his book as an elderly woman walked across the room. He carefully noted his page, and closed the book, standing up to his full six-foot three-inch height to acknowledge his guest. “Any news?”

    She lifted her head from the floor, and stared the man directly in the eyes. “Yes, but I also have a question.”

    The red-haired man shook his head, “Carry on.”

    The lady glanced around, her paranoia constantly plaguing her with a feeling of danger, which was often not unwarranted. “Lavender has been subdued peacefully, with Pluto simply acknowledging surrender.”

    Lance nodded, eyes closed in thought. He curtly replied, “You had a question.”

    “Yes, I did.” Agatha paused, trying not to show any emotion. “Is Samuel…”

    Lance glanced back up. “No, I didn’t quite get the chance.”

    Agatha looked up at the champion, a pleading look in her eyes. “Can I try to negotiate with him? It’s entirely possible that we could end this rebellion without any further loss of-“

    Lance cut her off with a glare, but replied calmly. “No, I gave him that chance. And this,” he gestured towards the pillar of smoke in the south-east, “is what he does with it. I’m sorry, but there is no compromise here. This war will end when one of us dies.”

    Agatha nodded, knowing that she couldn’t possibly convince him otherwise. She walked towards the staircase leading down to her chambers in the tower. Lance had no business with her, so she didn’t need to be dismissed. She overheard Lance finishing his statement as she walked down the stairs, “Although to be honest, it was over before it started."
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  23. #23
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    I loved this chapter's introductory paragraphs. Well-written, with plenty of emotion projected into them. It was pretty sad, though, with your description of the death that plagued the ruined town.
    Ariel was Tracey’s female Pidgey, always distinguishable by a Pinkish stripe running up its back over her tan coat.
    "Pinkish" can be lowercased.
    The tears slowed from there torrential pace, until they barely leaked out at all.
    *Their

    Wow...if I were him, I wouldn't have kept that dangerous Mankey. O_o Of course, capturing it was the only way to save himself.

    Anyway, nice to see that the plot is building! Good job.

    Chapter 3 Progress: 6%
    Better banner also in progress!

    Dex: 128 created! ~ Artwork

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    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    I loved this chapter's introductory paragraphs. Well-written, with plenty of emotion projected into them. It was pretty sad, though, with your description of the death that plagued the ruined town.

    "Pinkish" can be lowercased.

    *Their

    Wow...if I were him, I wouldn't have kept that dangerous Mankey. O_o Of course, capturing it was the only way to save himself.

    Anyway, nice to see that the plot is building! Good job.

    I actually waited until I was really depressed/sad, wrote the first paragraphs, stopped, and went back to writing the chapter when I was in a better mood. As for catching Mankey, it is based on a Nuzlocke run, so I had to be realistic. Although, Ariel actually died to a random crit while grinding... Anyways, next chapter might be pretty long, (and I'm currently hooked on ASB) so we'll see if I actually get the chapter up on time.

    Thanks for the review!
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

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    I followed your story on Smogon and your website and I was delighted to find it again here, only to find that you've gone into so much more detail, this is truly a fantastic story. Easily the best Pokemon fanfiction I've ever read. I vaguely know the storyline from The Ignition, and although you've changed it I'm fairly sure some things will remain the same, so I'm really looking forward to seeing more of Janine.

    Can't wait to see more of this.
    Comp has died, borrowing brother's to edit this, won't be on much if at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Frost Nova View Post
    YOU CANNOT GRASP THE TRUE FORM OF FROST NOVA'S EGO!
    Quote Originally Posted by S.Bustathedog View Post
    Anolator

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