Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 26 to 45 of 45

Thread: Flames of Dawn -Rated R

  1. #26
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Annhialator Zero View Post
    I followed your story on Smogon and your website and I was delighted to find it again here, only to find that you've gone into so much more detail, this is truly a fantastic story. Easily the best Pokemon fanfiction I've ever read. I vaguely know the storyline from The Ignition, and although you've changed it I'm fairly sure some things will remain the same, so I'm really looking forward to seeing more of Janine.

    Can't wait to see more of this.

    I'd love to say I was original enough to change very much. I added a lot of subplots that I didn't intend to resolve in the first half (Ignition) into Flames of Dawn. Aside from that, thanks for the compliments. Oh, and I am doing a new Nuzlocke run for this, that is different than the Ignition run. (BTW, Ignition was the middle draft in three current drafts).
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  2. #27
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    I was rather rushed putting this together, so it is shorter than I had intended. I intend to make it up in Chapters Nine and Ten, so just be patient. For now, here is Chapter Seven.

    Chapter Seven: Hope's Glimmer

    The blood still wet on my hands, I decided I couldn’t move on. Ariel was buried beneath the ground; the only time a bird would ever go there. I had three Pokémon, but that sounds far better than things actually were. Ivy was in a state of emotional chaos, simply staring into space for hours after Ivy died. Dawn was fully aware of what had happened, and was curled up in my lap for mutual comfort. As for the Mankey, I had decided to keep him. While he might have been dangerous, he was still powerful. At the moment, that power was exactly what I needed. Needless to say, he still wasn’t going to come out of his ball until absolutely necessary.

    With all of the power the Mankey, whom I had named Mel, brought to the team, I still had no source of the power I needed: willpower. In the last thirty-six hours, I had lost everyone I had ever cared about, and then the one Pokémon who had managed to briefly get me to move on had died before my eyes. I couldn’t really decide which had been harder. No patrols came, which I took with mixed reactions. While it gave me time to think and plan, part of me honestly hoped they would come and just bring things to an end. I got no such luck.

    The moon shone brightly, only a thin stripe hidden from view. Under the pale light it shed, a strange sight awaited that no one could see. A teenage boy in blood-stained jeans and a blue shirt was slouching beside a tree, the moonlight vaguely illuminating the remnants of tears on his face. In his lap sat a comically large mouse, curled up and virtually asleep. At the edge of the clearing a green dinosaur stared into the forest, totally absorbed by his thoughts. As the clouds began to obscure the moon, the boy shut his eyes and sleep finally found him.

    I was rudely awakened by a green lizard ramming his head into me. To the average person, the normal response would be to get up and scream. To me, this was the most normal thing that had happened in the last forty-eight hours. My eyes fluttered open, wondering what was wrong. After I heard the first gunshot, the list narrowed considerably. Dawn leapt off of my lap, quickly circling around in panic. I jumped to my feet, and tried to get a sense of what was going on. Machine gun fire was echoing across the forest, not close, but certainly not far away. The sounds of a helicopter moving through the air further added to the sense of confusion, as men rushed through the forest in a manner that could be described as anything but stealthy. I realized that they had found someone, and the hunt had begun.

    There were thousands of things I should have done, but I did none of them, locked in place by a sense of helplessness. The gunshots stirred memories, and suddenly the world was on fire around me, with my mother yelling at me to get away. The men came closer, but I stood transfixed, lost with the gunshots. Thankfully, Ivy intervened, and knocked me to the ground as a round of bullets raced through the air over my head. An explosion roared in the distance, and most of the surrounding troops rushed off in that direction. I prayed that all of them would just let me be and they would go back to chasing their original target. Of course, I’m never that lucky.

    As I got up to take a breath, I heard a click in the brush behind me. I slowly turned around to find myself with a pistol aimed straight at my head. Ivy growled, and Dawn shied away, but I simply got to my feet, and looked the gun’s bearer in the eye. He was in the same black uniform as the soldiers who had destroyed Pallet Town, and held the pistol with a shaking hand. He didn’t look much older than twenty-five, and I guessed he was a new recruit whatever army he was a part of.

    Ivy gave a fierce bark, and the soldier almost jumped. He hesitated as his hand closed down on the trigger, as if he was uncertain as whether or not to pull it. I, however, had already made my choice. “Do it.” The man looked confused, clearly having been taken by surprise. He might have expected me to scream, fight, give a very defiant speech; anything but what he was hearing. “Do it. My life ended two days ago, and I can never get it back. Just pull the trigger and be done with it.”

    Silence hung in the air for a moment, until it was interrupted barely a second later by the continuing beat of machine guns in the distance. He closed his eyes, and put the gun back into his belt. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I didn’t sign up with Team Rocket to kill kids who won’t fight. Now, you be a good boy and run along with me.” He gestured towards the forest, clearly intending for me to move.

    “No,” The answer was firm and resolute, the only gesture of defiance I had given so far. The soldier sighed, desperate to find a way out of his predicament. Then his eyes fell on Ivy, and an evil smile spread across his face.

    “Come with me, or the Pokémon dies.” His threat hung in the air, and I knew he would follow up on it. He might not be willing to kill a human, but he could care less if a Pokémon died, so long as no humans got hurt. I held up Dawn and Ivy’s Pokéballs, ready to withdraw the two. However much I hated to do so, I was going to comply. Just as my hand came down upon the buttons to withdraw my Pokémon and defuse the situation, a jolt of pain shot up my arm, causing me to drop the ball to the ground. Ivy stared up into my eyes, vine extended. Whether I liked it or not, he was going to fight.

    I withdrew Dawn, and stepped back a few feet into the clearing, taking the trainer’s position in my first real Pokémon battle. The soldier sneered, and sent out a Koffing, the purple sphere of poisonous gasses floating into the air. We both ordered a Tackle attack, and both Pokémon jumped through the air, striking the other head-on. Koffing was knocked back a few feet, but Ivy was slammed down onto the ground. It was quite apparent who was more powerful. I ordered another tackle, but had similar results. I realized that Ivy couldn’t take another attack. He was going to die.

    Ivy gave one last look of defiance, before rising to his feet to take the finishing blow. Just as the poison-type prepared to deliver the final strike, something unexpected happened. A stream of flames shot through the air, causing the Koffing to explode when the gasses inside of him reacted with the fire. The soldier spun around to face the new threat, only to find a Rattata jumping into his face, and slicing its claws straight into his flesh. Just as he started to scream, a voice rang across the clearing, “Silence him!” Not hesitating in the slightest, the mouse Pokémon dug its claws into the soldier’s throat, bringing the screams to an abrupt end. The trees rustled as a familiar trainer and his starter emerged. “Hey, Red. Miss me?”

    Despite being lost in the forest for the last two days, Gary Oak didn’t look too bad. His hair somehow remained stuck up in spikes, even though they were in a state of chaos and filled with leaves. I nodded, unable to come up with a comeback. I was relieved beyond words to see Gary alive, but something seemed different. The Gary I knew wouldn’t have been so quick to kill a human and his Pokémon. Two days just didn’t seem like enough time to make that change. Before I could ask any questions, the gunshots resumed, and Gary looked off in their direction. “Come on, we’ve got to get going.”


    The burned halls of the former apex of the scientific world were even gloomier than Professor Oak had imagined. Beams of sunlight shone through the decayed ceiling, destroyed by weather and fire. Advanced equipment was coated in a layer of ash and dust, with some parts charred or blasted off by explosions. In some areas of the lab, dust still remained disturbed in the shape of bodies that had since decayed or been removed. Half of the building was completely destroyed, having collapsed during the disaster eleven years ago. Oak gazed out at the wreckage with feelings of fear and exhiliration.

    The fear came from the obvious: a Pokémon did this. To make things worse, it was a Pokémon who had since grown much stronger, and possibly wanted him dead. On top of all of that, he had confirmation that Giovanni was searching for it, and was actively creating a device that would allow him to control it.

    The exhilaration would have been equally obvious to anyone who knew the professor. Samuel Oak had, without a doubt, created a legendary Pokémon. While he had never gotten the chance to experiment on it, that could always come later. When the war was finally over, he would stop at nothing to find and capture his old creation. It didn’t matter that he had no idea exactly how he intended to win the war at the moment; he was sure that it would happen. He had suffered too much to fail now.

    “Professor,” Oak turned around to face Blaine, standing sheepishly in the entrance of the room.

    “Yes, what is it?” Oak growled irritably.

    “There’s a battle going on.”

    “Where?”

    Blaine flinched a little at Oak’s roar, but continued, “East of Viridian, sir. Flint’s troops and a group retreating from Vermillion through Diglett’s Cave teamed up with a group of stray trainers from Pallet and engaged Team Rocket forces in the area.”

    Oak glared Blaine down, and the eccentric Gym Leader shuddered at the thought of what that could mean. “For one thing, I want to know why anyone was retreating from Vermillion. Next, I want to know WHY NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS!”

    Blaine backed away, and eventually stammered out, “Th-they attacked the embassy, sir. A small group of guerillas stayed, but the majority of our forces is retreating to Pewter. We only found out today.”

    Oak was fuming in rage, pacing the length of the burned room, but saying nothing. When his reply finally came, it was loaded with poorly masked rage. “They attacked the embassy?! What utterly incompetent fool came up with that plan? Then when things go wrong, they’re too afraid that the mastermind of this revolution will tell them they’re wrong! I swear I’ll fire every last one of them!”

    Blaine listened in silence as the professor ranted. He knew from experience that it could be a very long time before Oak finally calmed down. Besides, he didn’t see what the problem was with attacking the embassy. There were only a few soldiers stationed there, and aside from an occasional changing of troops every few years, there was never any contact with the country that owned it. In fact, it was probably best to eliminate the possibility that it allied with Lance. Of course, the foreign guard had been more powerful than expected, and the combination of the remaining forces and the incoming army from Saffron had been enough to force a retreat. However, it was still a retreat with the trainers alive. That was more than Oak had gotten.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 11th March 2011 at 9:44 PM.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  3. #28
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Chapter's slightly early, but I have a campout this weekend. I tried to do the battle like an ASB reffing, so comments on that would be appreciated.


    Chapter Eight: The Green Abyss

    “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

    “Not at all, but it’s the only way to get stronger.”

    Gary stood on the other side of the clearing, tossing a Pokéball up in the air repeatedly as he talked, occasionally stopping to brush leaves out of his hair. We had hiked the entirety of the last two days in our quest through the forest, and he had been insistent of this for every hour of both of them.

    “I don’t know. Shouldn’t we be keeping our Pokémon healthy in case we get attacked?”

    Gary sighed, “Look, of course it’s a good idea. Our Pokémon won’t be tired for very long, and we’ll both get stronger from doing this. Besides, who’s really going to attack us in the middle of this Arceus-forsaken forest anyways?”

    I knew it was inevitable, so I didn’t try to fight it as hard as I could have. “All right, let’s go, Dawn!” As the light materialized into my Rattata, Gary nodded, and without breaking his methodic routine with his Pokéball, he unleashed his choice.

    “Dusk, let’s show them what we’ve got!” His Pidgey burst out of her ball, prepared to take on my Rattata. Dawn was cowering by my legs, shivering at the thought of actually fighting.

    “Come on, Dawn you can do this. Remember how we defeated that Weedle?” She nodded, a slight grin revealing her fangs as she recalled her battle against the newest addition to my team, Erin the Weedle. “You can do this! Hit her hard with a Quick Attack!”

    “Tackle!” Gary’s commands rang across the clearing, as Dawn charged the Pidgey faster than the eye could detect. Pidgey, however, were evolved to be able to handle high speeds upon their final evolution, and managed to avoid the charge. Dawn spun around, and found herself slammed to the ground by Dusk’s counter-strike. “Good, now hit her with a Sand Attack!”

    “Dodge with Quick Attack!” Dusk raked her talons across the ground, causing some dirt to fly towards the Dawn. Right as the cloud of dust was about to connect, the Rattata, sprang into action, jumping over the cloud and slamming into Dusk, pinning her briefly before she threw Dawn off of her. “Tackle!”

    “Tackle in return.” The two Pokémon charged each other with all of the power they possessed, slamming each other back a few feet until they rested in front of their trainers. Gary spoke next, “Growl at her, and follow up with a Tackle.”

    “Use Quick Attack followed by Tail Whip!” The mouse raced forwards, slamming into Dusk, leaving her attempt at a war cry a little lackluster, and ever a motivation for Dawn to attack harder. As Pidgey rushed towards her adversary to deliver another blow, Rattata leapt into the air, and slammed her to the ground with a blow from her tail. The Flying-type struggled to her feet, but Gary just shook his head.

    “Dusk, return; we might need you to be healthy later.” The Pidgey sung out an objection as a flash of red light enveloped her, ending her participation in the battle.

    Dawn looked overjoyed, running around my feet and making happy squeaking sounds. I found myself laughing as well. With a few more victories, we would make a great team. “You did well, Dawn. However, let’s quit while we’re ahead.” Dawn cried out her own complaint, as she was engulfed in a beam of light that took her back into her Pokéball. It was almost painful to do so, but I knew we couldn’t afford to be weak in case of an ambush. I walked across the clearing to Gary, and extended my hand. “Good match, and very well played.”

    Gary looked at the hand, with a look of amusement, and pulled out his second Pokéball from his belt. “It’s not over yet. Ember, let’s go!” His starter appeared at his side, rearing to go.

    “Gary, you know that you can’t get all of your Pokémon hurt. This is pointless.”

    Gary shook his head, “Oak gave me another Pokémon three days ago. I’m not quite out yet. So, will you battle, or surrender like a coward?”

    I closed my eyes, trying to come to a decision. I knew that Gary normally got exactly what he wanted, and we would probably wind up battling again at some point before we reached Pewter, so there really wasn’t much of a point in blowing it off. However, I really didn’t want to be the only one able to fight off an attack. Then again, we probably couldn’t withstand an attack with both of us with a fully healed team, anyways. “Ivy, go.” I knew I was at a disadvantage, but none of my other Pokémon could take on Ember without getting seriously injured, so I tried to ignore the incredulous look Ivy gave me as I trotted back to my position.

    Gary seemed off guard by my choice, but shrugged it off and started the match. “Ember,” he ordered, not even bothering to put enthusiasm into what he believed would be the only order of the match.

    “Vine Whip the ground!” As a stream of flames flew through the air, Ivy slammed his vines onto the forest floor, sending up a cloud of leaves that absorbed the embers. As the leaves drifted down to the ground, smoldering after their exposure to fire, I followed up on our momentary advantage. “Tackle him!”

    “Ember him right as he delivers the blow!” As Ivy rushed across the clearing, the Charmander began to harness the power of his inner fire, and shot a stream of flames towards Ivy as he prepared to deliver a tackle. The Bulbasaur was blasted back towards the center of the clearing, landing on his back. As the grass-type struggled to get back to his feet, I clicked the button on his Pokéball without a word, sparing him from any further attacks. Gary had gotten his battle, and he didn’t need anything more.

    “Come on, is that all-,” I cut him off with a glare, and he backed off. Gary may have been annoying at times, but he knew when to stop. He withdrew Ember in silence, and came to sit by me at the edge of the clearing. We sat in silence for a few moments before Gary broke the silence. “How have you been?”

    I glared at him, confused as to why he would even ask a question like that. “Well, almost everyone I’ve ever known is dead, I just lost a Pokémon, there are several dozen soldiers after us, and…” I was gasping for breath now, but sarcasm and anger were subsiding as the gasps turned into sobs. “How am I supposed to feel?”

    I was ashamed for crying in front of Gary, and figured I would never hear the end of it when Gary hung his head, tears starting to appear on his face too. Now I knew for certain that the world really was coming to an end. We probably would have sat there all day, not even bothering to disguise the fact that we were emotional wrecks, if he hadn’t intervened.

    It started with a humming sound in the distance. The tears had stopped a long time ago, having run out from the breakdowns over the last few days. I continued to hang my head in silence as the whistling got louder, before finally being forced to look up to see if anything was wrong. Then I noticed something out of place: there was no wind. I was about to tell this to Gary, when suddenly someone broke through the tree line on the other side of the clearing, causing Gary to whirl around and face him. He was a young boy, probably only ten years old. He had a net in his hand, and was decked out in brown, protective clothing. I thought over how Gary and I looked at the moment; rough, covered in leaves, and generally looking like refugees. This could end badly.

    The child’s mistake was simple, and cost him immediately. His mouth opened wide in shock, as Gary through a Pokéball through the air. A shriek briefly tore through the forest, before it was abruptly silenced, leaving Gary and I in a clearing with a dead child, the claw of his killer still lodged in his throat. I was speechless for a moment, realizing that I had seen three people die before my eyes in the last two days. I turned to Gary, but he cut me off, his earlier weakness replaced by a look of stern hatred. “It was him or us. Come on, we have to go.”

    Even as he said this, I knew we were too late. In the distance, trees were starting to rustle as people made their way towards us. Even if we ran, we still only had a few minutes left to live. Gary got to his feet, and pulled another Pokeball out from under his shirt. “Go, I’ll hold them off.”

    “No, you’re going to die!”

    He continued to stare out into the forest, not acknowledging my objection. “No, but you will if you stay here much longer. Gramps gave me an Abra, so I could Teleport to safety.”

    “Wait, so you knew this was going to happen?”

    “No, but that’s not important. I’ll distract them, while you run off to the North. We can meet up in Pewter City.”

    “Why can’t it just take both of us?”

    Gary finally turned towards me, staring at me like I was an idiot. “It can only take one person with it. Now go, if you want to have any chance to survive.”

    I nodded numbly, knowing that he was right. I gave him one last glance, and ran off through the forest. Trees constantly bashed against my legs and arms as they continued forwards, but I didn’t care. The sounds of a battle erupted from behind me at some point, but I kept moving. I had no idea where I was going, but that didn’t matter at the moment. All that mattered was that I was away from here.

    ---~---~---

    Janine paused in the clearing, trying to make a decision. The boy was in front of her, and she wasn’t sure exactly what she should do. The hunt was almost certain to pick up in scale after today’s events, but she wasn’t sure how to handle it. She had probably killed him as it was, as there was no way that the local commanders were going to ignore a force that could destroy twenty agents while taking no casualties. She had seen the other boy earlier, outmatched by Team Rocket. He had teleported away at the last moment, and she had to make a decision.

    She knew that the agents were going to come for him, which gave her a very difficult decision to make. She could either blow her cover, allow the boy to die, or kill her own teammates. She had cringed at the thought of killing anyone, but she knew there wasn’t much of a choice. Besides, no one would ever have a way of connecting her to the deaths in the forest. She didn’t realize until much later that by doing so, she had only made his life harder.

    She stood on the edge of the clearing, the moon illuminating her view. The boy was lying by a tree, leaning back on it while he slept. He appeared to be fast asleep, but she had no way of knowing how much it would actually take to wake him up. There was also a bit of distance between them: about fifty meters. Once again, she had three options to choose from, but she at least had time to think this time. First off, the boy probably had no idea how to leave the forest. It had taken Janine years to be able to successfully navigate the maze of trees, and she hadn’t heard of any untrained traveler ever leaving the forest in less than three days when they tried to reach the end on their own. This presented her with three options. She could just do nothing, and see how things turned out. Of course, things hadn’t exactly been turning out very well recently. She could leave some sort of a sign; a map in the dirt perhaps. In truth, so many things could go wrong with that. She would almost certainly reveal her presence, effectively failing her assignment. In addition to that, he might also misinterpret the map, or just fail to notice it. She could fail the mission for a plan that failed. Her third option was almost impossible to comprehend: failing the mission to guarantee a successful exit from the forest. She could just tell the boy in person, completing the objective of getting out of the forest a lot more reliably than she otherwise could. If she gave him any information at all, she would practically fail anyways.

    However, Janine was not the kind of person to tolerate failure, so she chose to do nothing. Still, she couldn’t leave without doing one last thing. She edged closer to the boy, constantly making sure that he wasn’t waking up. At long last, she finally arrived at the side of the boy she was assigned to protect. Considering for a moment the wisdom of her decision, she went ahead and slid her hand into the boy’s pocket. Her fingernail brushed against hard plastic, and she removed it with one swift motion. She glanced at the name on the card, Kyle. She closed her eyes, trying to build the connection between the name and the face in front of her. She analyzed every detail of it, attempting to build a solid image. She studied everything; his raven hair, his rounded chin, and finally the dark brown eyes that were open wide in shock.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  4. #29
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Any of your business?
    Posts
    3,432

    Default

    This chapter was excellently done, you can already see the beginnings of Gary's transformation into the Champion. It also gives a rare response of how a real teenager would respond if everything they knew was dead. It wouldn't be fire and vengeance, that would only come with time. Also the ending was well done, I didn't actually expect Kyle/Red to wake up, so I'm excited to see what's gonna happen in the next chapter.
    Comp has died, borrowing brother's to edit this, won't be on much if at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Frost Nova View Post
    YOU CANNOT GRASP THE TRUE FORM OF FROST NOVA'S EGO!
    Quote Originally Posted by S.Bustathedog View Post
    Anolator

  5. #30
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Annhialator Zero View Post
    This chapter was excellently done, you can already see the beginnings of Gary's transformation into the Champion. It also gives a rare response of how a real teenager would respond if everything they knew was dead. It wouldn't be fire and vengeance, that would only come with time. Also the ending was well done, I didn't actually expect Kyle/Red to wake up, so I'm excited to see what's gonna happen in the next chapter.
    Thanks! Yes, the fire/vengeance stuff does come, although it isn't present in any large amount until part two. I actually did some research into responses to traumatic events when I was writing the last few chapters to help build a somewhat realistic response. Also, the next chapter does cover a lot more distance in the plot than my average update. In fact, it might actually get split into two chapters as it has the introduction of several characters, interactions between established ones, and a 'boss fight.' In other words, it is one of the three major chapters in part one, and it could take a while to write. As for the ending to the chapter, I actually had that planned out by the time that I introduced the Rocket subplot in Chapter Four.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  6. #31
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    A.N: The current chapter, as well as some of the Mt. Moon chapters were split up to accomadate the events that need to occur within them. If this was the chapter I originally intended it to be, it would be about twenty pages long, and I really didn't want to go there. As such, it is now the much shorter, and slightly happier, chapter, Angels.

    Angels:

    Waking up with a knife at your throat is not a pleasant way to start the day. If you need me to explain that, you probably have more problems than I do at the moment, which is saying quite a lot. Going back to the story, several thoughts rushed forwards at once. The first was a mixture of paranoia, realization, and awkwardness: someone really had been in the window during the night in Viridian. The second was that I was probably going to die before I could figure out what that meant. I would have screamed, but some part of my mind that was both awake and rational knew that would mean certain death.

    Instead, I took the time to do the two other things that came to mind; panic and attempt to look at my killer. As far as the panic thing went, that was pretty easy. I also got a pretty good look at my angel of death. She was crouching, but still partially standing in order to maintain eye contact. Her hair appeared to be very dark, although I couldn’t tell much else due to nerves and the night. The only thing I really noticed beyond that were her blue eyes, which almost seemed to emit their own light in the semi-darkness.

    After about ten seconds of analysis, I was brought back to reality by the knife’s blade pressed against my throat. The girl closed her eyes, but kept her hand gripped tightly around the knife. When she finally spoke, it was barely a whisper, coming off with both a slightly melodic tone and an edge of pure lethality. “If you wish to live, you will advance in that direction.” She motioned towards the forest to her right with her free hand. “If you wish to die abruptly of poisoning, you will talk about this encounter.” She opened her eyes again, locking them into mine with no emotion coming through. “Is this clear?”

    I nodded to the best of my ability with a knife pressed against my throat, trying not to let the panic become too obvious. She slid the knife away, but still kept it extended in front of her. “Good. For your sake, I hope we do not meet again.” With that remark, she slid off into the forest, and bled into the shadows almost instantly.

    I didn’t really have that many options. Of course, I could be walking straight into a trap, but if the girl had wanted me dead or captured, she would have done it while I was asleep. In fact, it wasn’t that I didn’t have many options, it was that I only had one good one; I needed to follow the girl’s advice.

    Two hours had passed since I had started walking. I knew I should have waited until morning to go, but there was no way I was ever getting back to sleep in that clearing, and the girl still being nearby was more than enough reason to leave. Actually, referring to her as “the girl” is starting to get a little misleading. I’m going to go back to calling her “Angel of Death.” Every cackle of a twig and stirring of a Pokémon caused me to jump. Maybe going to Pewter was a bad idea after all.

    The moment after this crossed my mind, I found my face in the dirt, surrounded by exposed tree roots worn by countless years and storms. I sat in silence for a moment, trying to control my rapid breathing when I realized there was no one around. I had only tripped over an exposed tree root. I pulled myself off of the ground, cursing my nerves when I raised my eyes up over the ground to see something I hadn’t seen in days. A city stretched across the horizon. It struck me that the lights were out, but I didn’t care. I had made it to Pewter.

    Running down the hill, I couldn’t think of anything. I couldn’t focus for long enough to think. I had made it out of the nightmare in the forests, and that was all that mattered. I ran for nearly a mile towards the town, and didn’t stop until there was a machine gun pointed at my head.

    Two soldiers in stained brown uniforms guarded the south entrance to the city, machine guns at the ready for enemy attacks. The moment they heard me running, they had immediately stirred to life, and aimed the gun, prepared to kill any attackers if need be. For all of that build up, having a machine gun trained at my head wasn’t nearly as bad as it sounds. It was, after all, the third time a lethal weapon had been trained at my head in the last four days. It was starting to feel more or less routine.

    One of the soldiers grunted something out; however, whatever he meant to say was lost when he broke into a yawn. His partner sighed, and finished his statement. “What d’ya want here, kid?”

    “Someone told me to come here.”

    The soldier stared with the same hard expression. “And who might that be?”

    “Tracey Sketchit, an aide to Professor Oak.”

    The soldier grunted, but didn’t lower his gun. “One of the Pallet refugees, eh? We’ve had quite a few of them come in here lately. Give me your name, age, and rank, and I’ll see if I can let you through.”

    I paused, unsure of how to answer, until I remembered it was probably best to be quick when answering someone with a gun. “My name is Kyle Jones. I’m fifteen, and I’m a civilian.”

    The two men glanced at each other, before lowering their guns. “You said your name’s Jones, right?” I nodded, “Do you have any relatives in Pallet?”

    “Only my mother, Lauren Jones.”

    The questioner gave a gruff laugh and turned to his partner. “Well imagine that. Go get the captain; she’ll want to know about this.” The other man ran off, while the remaining guard lowered his gun as he chuckled to himself.

    “I-is there something wrong?” I asked.

    “No, not at all. In fact-“

    “Is there something wrong, private?” A familiar voice asked.

    “Eh, just another one of the Pallet refugees. Thought you might want to know about it.”

    “I see, private. You can go back to Sentry Duty. Incidentally, who-“

    Looking back on it, I was probably at the most danger of dying at that particular moment than at any point in the months before or after it. After a few minutes of intense strangulation, I finally managed to get out, ‘Nice- seeing- you. Please stop- choking.”

    With that, Captain Lauren Jones finally dropped me onto the ground, only to pull me back to my feet again. “I can’t believe you’re alive! They all said you’d be fine, but after the battle…” She shook her head, clearing the thought. “Come on, we’ve got to talk about this elsewhere.

    As she dragged me through the city, it was hard not to notice its conversion into the capitol of the remaining rebel armies. Every plaza and clearing had been filled with tents, and anti-aircraft guns were perched menacingly on many roofs. Patrols of soldiers, some of whom I recognized as scientists from Pallet Town nodded at my mother as they went about their duties. Apparently she had some kind of power here, and I made a mental note to ask her about that. That is, after she finally ran out of questions of her own.

    When she finally stopped, we were in front of a large silver tent in front of the city’s gym. A hastily painted wooden sign had the words “Officer’s Tent” scrawled on it. I vaguely wondered what that meant; there was no official ranking system among aides, and the officers of the Pewter militia were almost certainly allowed to stay within their own houses. I didn’t have long to think, as my mom was done unzipping the tent within 30 seconds, and was standing expectantly at the entrance.

    The inside of the tent was divided into two halves, each of them separated from the entrance and each other by a thick green tarp tied to various posts. After watching my mother fumble around in the darkness for a few moments, I was blinded by a fluorescent light that illuminated the room, and had to wait for my eyes to readjust.

    When the world finally came back into focus, I got a better look at the room. A thin white sheet of plastic covered the ground, providing a makeshift floor. The only things in the room were a small desk with a portable, battery operated lamp and a few notebooks on it and a cot. On the other side of the room was a small pile containing a crumpled, collapsed tent and another collapsed cot. I wondered what they were for and then I realized that they were probably for me.

    In the light I got my first good look at my mom since the destruction of Pallet. She looked tired, and even in her enthusiasm she looked like she was about to fall asleep. Her left arm was bandaged in several areas, and there was a thin scratch mark running up one of her legs. Her blonde hair was undone behind her shoulders, and she was wearing a silver military uniform that I didn’t recognize. She sighed, her enthusiasm leaving her face, and then started to talk, “It’s getting pretty late. Why don’t you set up your cot while we talk?” I nodded, and reached down to pick the cot up when the tent stirred, followed by a large, purple flower sticking her head out.

    “Glo- gloom.” It protested, yawning as she pulled herself out from under the tent, and staring up defiantly. My mom laughed as I recoiled in shock, and withdrew her Gloom back into its Pokéball. After the laughter subsided, she got back to the conversation. “What happened during the last four days?”

    The truthful answer would have been, ‘Well, I’ve been shot at, wound up losing a Pokémon, nearly got killed by an angry monkey, almost got killed again by Team Rocket, and woke up with a knife at my throat, but other than that, it’s all been pretty good.’ I didn’t figure she would like that, so I changed the answer to, “It’s been pretty rough.”

    She nodded, disappointed by the lack of detail, but not willing to press it. Instead, she decided to change the subject. “So, I guess you want to know what’s been going on?” I nodded, still busy setting up the cot, and she continued, a sorrowful expression on her face. “Fifteen years ago, Champion Samuel Oak resigned from his office. That much, most people are aware of. What you might not know is that Lance forced him to step down, and proceeded to seize control of several very dangerous projects, sharing some of the spoils with the mercenary company he had come to rely upon, Team Rocket.” She winced at the name, but continued on.

    “Eventually, Lance realized he had no need for his mercenary allies, and betrayed them about eight years ago. However, Lance’s armies weren’t expecting to have to face the troops at the local embassy, and a stalemate developed that threatened to destroy Kanto and Johto in civil war. Eventually, negotiations were made, and Team Rocket was given command of two cities, and Vermillion became an enclave of the Unity League, but they lost all influence on a continental scale. This has all sense been dismissed as a terrorist uprising, and no one has bothered to question that view.”

    “While Lance may have been willing to let things go with a treaty, the leadership of Team Rocket has never been able to forget their betrayal. They secretly began programs to tame projects discovered during the coup in order to defeat Lance once and for all. Oak made Lance aware of this, but Lance wouldn’t believe it, and believed Oak was only attempting to create a civil war. After that, the former champion took matters into his own hands.”

    She took a long pause, and then glanced up at a clock implanted into the side of the lamp. “We’ll continue this in the morning. For now, you need some sleep.” With that, she flipped out the light, and darkness consumed the room.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 11th March 2011 at 9:42 PM.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  7. #32
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    411

    Default

    Sorry for taking so long to review. D: Blehh school.
    The moon shone brightly, only a thin stripe hidden from view. Under the pale light it shed, a strange sight awaited that no one could see. A teenage boy in blood-stained jeans and a blue shirt was slouching beside a tree, the moonlight vaguely illuminating the remnants of tears on his face. In his lap sat a comically large mouse, curled up and virtually asleep. At the edge of the clearing a green dinosaur stared into the forest, totally absorbed by his thoughts. As the clouds began to obscure the moon, the boy shut his eyes and sleep finally found him.
    I loved this paragraph! It was beautifully written and descriptive.
    There are thousands of things I should have done, but I did none of them, locked in place by a sense of helplessness.
    Not entirely sure about this one, but "were" might be better. (I think.)

    I was relieved beyond words to see Gary alive, but something seemed different. The Gary I knew wouldn’t have been so quick to kill a human and his Pokémon. Two days just didn’t seem like enough time to make that change.
    Interesting...I liked this passage, although I wonder if it's foreshadowing something.

    She sighed her enthusiasm leaving her face, and then started to talk, “It’s getting pretty late. Why don’t you set up your cot while we talk?”
    Should have a comma after "sighed."

    One plot element I am a bit confused by - Why did Gary kill the 10 year old kid that discovered them? I understand their precaution regarding Team Rocket - is that why?

    Overall, a great couple of chapters. Keep up the good work!
    Hidden Gems and Hollow Lies
    When Zev discovers a portal to the Pokémon world, he is quickly swept into a journey in the dangerous Rizen region, which is infested with an abnormally high quantity of Ghost and Dark type Pokémon. But with demons lurking in the forests, treasures hidden within the mountains, drugged Pokémon competing in the League, and legendary Pokémon being driven into madness all around him, he will be lucky to finish his journey at all.

    Chapter 3 Progress: 7% [last update - 7 years ago! Whoops.]
    Working on a banner!

    Rizen Pokedex: 128 created! ~ My art

  8. #33
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Sorry for taking so long to review. D: Blehh school.
    I know how it feels. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to get a chapter done this week...

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    I loved this paragraph! It was beautifully written and descriptive.
    I'm much better setting tones with that kind of paragraph than I am conveying personalities with dialogue... as the return to society is sure to point out.


    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Interesting...I liked this passage, although I wonder if it's foreshadowing something.

    One plot element I am a bit confused by - Why did Gary kill the 10 year old kid that discovered them? I understand their precaution regarding Team Rocket - is that why?
    One of the annoying things about working in the structure of a Nuzlocke fic is that the general order of events must be possible in-game. Blue being the final boss of the game, even after Lance, means that I can't exactly have him be an extremely nice and friendly character, or even a conventional rival. That's all I'll say for now. As for why he killed the ten year old, let me set this up:

    There are dozens of soldiers in the forest who want you dead. The kid is going to scream in a moment, leading to your location being revealed, and most likely getting you killed. Someone is going to die, and most people don't want it to be them.

    As for the next chapter: it might get split into two seperate chapters... again. The third 'rival' is introduced, along with a 'gym battle,' as well as an evolution. In other words, I'm going to have trouble writing it in the hour of free time I have between now and Friday.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  9. #34
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Any of your business?
    Posts
    3,432

    Default

    Waking up with a knife at your throat is not a pleasant way to start the day. If you need me to explain that, you probably have more problems than I do at the moment, which is saying quite a lot.
    Ahahahahaha excellent. That is a really great start to any chapter and hooked me straight in, after I'd given myself a couple of seconds to chuckle at that brilliant line. I was kinda shocked at the mother being alive, you threw a nice curveball with that one. Schism between the Rockets and the Elites was unexpected too and I'm very excited to see how that pans out.
    Comp has died, borrowing brother's to edit this, won't be on much if at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Frost Nova View Post
    YOU CANNOT GRASP THE TRUE FORM OF FROST NOVA'S EGO!
    Quote Originally Posted by S.Bustathedog View Post
    Anolator

  10. #35
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Annhialator Zero View Post
    Ahahahahaha excellent. That is a really great start to any chapter and hooked me straight in, after I'd given myself a couple of seconds to chuckle at that brilliant line. I was kinda shocked at the mother being alive, you threw a nice curveball with that one. Schism between the Rockets and the Elites was unexpected too and I'm very excited to see how that pans out.
    First off, thanks for the review. As for that line... the only reason I actually made things happen as they did at the end of the last chapter (8) was so I could put that line at the start of what I then expected to be a very long chapter. I didn't intend to keep the mother alive until I was writing this chapter (thus the little characterization during her introduction(did she have a line?)). I then realized that this story was getting way to depressing, so I decided to split up the role of one of my more major characters into three less important ones. As for the Rocket-Elite Schism, I like to think of it as a gang-government scenario. While the gang might side with the government in a war, they don't like each other by any means.

    As for Chapter Ten, it's pretty much completed. I still have to work out one major gap in the flow of events in order to work in everything I need to, but I think it is a very nice chapter for the minimal time I have to write it. It should be up Friday as planned.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  11. #36
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Well, the chapter system is being reworked, as I couldn't fit in everything I wanted to in time to get the chapter released. However, it is still among the longest chapters so far, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem... Anyways, all reviews are appreciated, but above all else I like the ones that tell me where I can improve. Regardless, here's the chapter.


    Chapter 10: Sticks and Stones

    When I awoke, the sun was already high in the sky. I rolled out of bed, groaning from the soreness that engulfed my body. I guess I hadn’t noticed it earlier, but sleeping on rocks for a few days really isn’t that comfortable. I rose awkwardly to my feet, and looked around. Despite having been up until well after midnight, my mom had already left the tent. I looked around for a moment, and scooped up my Pokéballs. I glanced them over, making sure I had all four. Without stopping to think, I threw them down on the ground, unleashing their contents.

    Erin, my newly captured Weedle, simply looked around in confusion at her surroundings. This was probably the first time she had been out of the forest in her life. Ivy sat down, and glanced around the room, not particularly caring about what was going on, but glad he had a chance to rest. Dawn sniffed the air enthusiastically, apparently noticing something I didn’t. That was when I realized my mistake.

    Mel glared at me from the floor, clearly unhappy at his confinement for the last several days. He growled menacingly, lifting his claws in a display of aggression. He braced his legs, preparing to pounce. Just when it seemed he wouldn’t hold back another moment, a shadow fell over him, and he promptly sat back down. Something was breathing behind me, but it definitely wasn’t human. I thought of all of my mother’s Pokémon who could reach my height, and quickly thought of two. That was when I remembered those two would have already spoken telepathically by now. I didn’t know what it was, but my entire team was crouched down in fear. Erin, however, was actually waddling towards it. I straightened up; if a Weedle could face it, than so could I. Besides, it was only frightening enough to scare the daylights out of an adolescent Mankey. How bad could it be?

    I turned around slowly, still unsure of my decision, and found myself staring down the creepiest thing I had seen in the last few days. It was reptilian in nature, with frightening, blood-stained claws extended out at its sides. It was standing on two legs to stare me down; its strange eyes devoid of emotion as it analyzed its target. Any normal person would scream in fear. I laughed.

    “What’d you find, Scyther?” A boy a few years my senior walked into the tent, and stood beside his partner. He was dressed entirely in a green army uniform, with a silver badge pinned on his shirt. At his waste were five Pokéballs, containing some of the strongest Pokémon in Pallet Town. He looked at me with a confused glance, but just shook it off after a moment of surprise. “Hey, Kyle.”

    “Hey, Tracey,” I replied, smiling for one of the first times in the last few days. The list of survivors kept getting longer.

    Tracey smiled in reply, and started to scratch his partner’s head as the Mantis Pokémon let out a content growl in reply. “I see you got here alive. That’s more than I expected.” My smile faded. Alive. I had forgotten that this conversation could happen. I hadn’t expected we would both live to talk about it. Tracey gave me a concerned look, “Is something wrong?”

    I gave a nervous laugh, “Well, not with me. You see, while I was coming to Pewter. There was an attack, and a wild Mankey, and Ariel… Ariel…”

    Died,” Tracey finished the statement. He hung his head, eyes closed, and lowered his arms to his sides. We stood there for a few moments in silence, which was only broken by a whisper. “Do you still have the ball?”

    I nodded, and knelt down to the ground where I pulled the dented orb from under the bed. I placed it into his cups hands while he gazed at it in silence. I thought for a moment, and pulled a ball out from my belt, and placed it in his hands as well.

    Tracey looked up, a confused expression on his face, “What’s this?”

    “It’s Ariel’s killer. You at least should get to keep the Pokémon.”

    Tracey shook his head, “First off, why would I want the Pokémon that killed Ariel? Second, you caught it, so you should keep it. Trust me, I’ll be fine.” He gave a half-hearted smile, and walked over to his side of the tent, Scyther in tow. When I looked back, Mankey was sitting on the ground, a slightly regretful expression on his face.

    I knelt down, and picked him up. He didn’t resist, and tightened his grip on my shoulder, burying his face in my chest. I started to realize something. No feral Mankey would ever feel remorse for a kill. “You’ve had a trainer, haven’t you?” He didn’t respond, but I suspected I was right. I held him there for a moment, until I noticed another presence in the room. I turned around, Mankey dropping to the floor and cowering behind my leg when he saw who it was. Scyther stood in the entranceway, a small, brown worm on top of his jaw. Tracey’s Pokémon dropped his snout to the floor, and gently guided Erin off with the flat side of his claws before standing upright and walking back out, leaving Erin to stare out the door she had come in.

    I stepped back and looked at each individual member of my team. “Mel, Dawn, Erin, you three can stay in the tent today; just don’t break anything. Ivy, you’re coming with me. The grass-type yawned absentmindedly, and started to fall asleep as I pulled him back into his Pokéball, and left before I thought of what could go wrong in this situation.

    However impressive Pewter looked at night, it looked unconquerable in the daylight. Patrols of troops in silver, brown, and gray uniforms marched in the streets, with other groups performing drills in the town lawns. Civilians were assembled in lines further down the streets, where I assumed rations were being handed out. At the courts behind the Pokémon Centers, soldiers were engaged in intense Pokémon battles, with many civilians gathering to watch. Flying-types flew over the town, scouting the skies and delivering messages. I noticed one of the birds that landed nearby to rest had a camera attached to his collar.

    It was at about this point that I realized I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, and I was almost as clueless as to how to get around as I had been in the forest. I could ask Tracey, but I was under the impression that he wouldn’t be ready to talk for another few hours. I eventually decided to do the only thing that made sense: absolutely nothing. I walked the town for an hour or two, periodically seeing one of Professor Oak’s aides from Pallet and talking with them for a moment, garnering some important information in the process. Apparently the professor had been using his aide’s as a personal army if any war would ever come to the region. However, none of the scientists I talked to had any idea that war was coming until two days before Oak gave me my first Pokémon. Incidentally, that was the day Gary and I had been assigned a useless task outside of town.

    There was basically nothing productive I could do at the moment. So that’s what I did. I wandered the town aimlessly for a few hours, periodically stopping to watch soldiers train or talk to people I knew from home. There weren’t many survivors from what had become known as the “Pallet Incident,” but there were far more than I expected. The town itself was much larger than Pallet, with a population and area more than ten times the size of Pallet Town. When combined with the armies from Vermillion and Pallet, and the city had a population close to 400,000 people inside of the city limits.

    After a few hours of aimless walking, I eventually found myself back in front of the gym. It was getting dark, but Tracey had left, and my mom was still out. I decided it was about time to get set up my tent in the Pallet refugee section of the town. I brushed aside the tarp leading into my mom’s room, and discovered a bigger mess than I had ever imagined a few Pokémon could make in two hours. Over my cot was a large web of white material, spanning over most of the roof of the tent. It clustered into a ball in the middle of the room, with a large, brown pod hanging from the ceiling. Dawn and Mel were on the ground, simply staring at the mess above them. I quickly scanned the room for Erin, and then remembered something. I glanced back up at the pod again, and noticed two openings that resembled eyes, along with a slight rustling coming from the object. It was alive.

    I closed my eyes for a moment, and remembered something important. Weedle evolved into Kakuna, a cocoon phase of sorts where they stored energy for their final evolution. Under the circumstances, I should have been glad. Well, that was disregarding the web stretching across the tent, but I was sure my mom would understand. She had been obsessed with the study of evolution at one point, even receiving her doctorate in it. Along with legendary Pokémon, it was the largest single mystery in the Pokémon world. Species tended to progress through distinct phases in their lives, from infancy to adulthood. Some species, however, were simply born in their adult forms. Additionally, some species could not evolve in the wild, and required unusual circumstances to evolve. Naturally, this posed questions. If evolution was a life cycle, why did some species not complete it? Why were some species born in a fairly adult form after a few weeks of growth? Many scientists spent years answering these questions, and I must admit that I was fascinated with the subject as well.

    I withdrew Dawn and Mel, and walked outside again, carrying my tent. I started to go down the path to the Pallet camp, when someone caught my attention. He was dressed in a brown army uniform, with sunglasses pulled over his eyes. He advanced towards the gym, constantly glancing over his shoulder like he was being followed. Something about him seemed familiar, and it eventually clicked. As he ducked into the gym through a maintenance entrance, I ran towards the door, intent on catching up with him. When I got there, I paused for a moment to allow him to gain some ground on me, and creaked the door open to slip in. It was dark in the hallway, but one thing was clear. The barrel of a pistol was pointed right at my head.

    ---FoD---

    It was getting dark in the forest, and the assignment was starting to go into the “dull and depressing” phase that most assignments eventually did. The rush of the job was slowly being replaced by the sense that things could take a while, and she was going to have a miserable time every day that the job went on. I can’t even light a fire, Janine thought to herself bitterly. The rebel patrols are everywhere in this forest, Kyle could be in Pewter for weeks, and I can’t even light a fire.

    She was used to living in the wilderness, but she wasn’t used to spending weeks alone in a forest full of rebel patrols, even if she could navigate from end to end with a blindfold on. She had been in hopeless situations, but this was one of the worst. My cover’s blown, I have no idea what Kyle’s doing, and now the rebels are keeping me from lighting a fire, she grumbled silently. She knew she could slip into Pewter, but it was extremely dangerous without a link on the inside. It was probably only a matter of days before Giovanni got one, but even then it was still a bad idea to seek shelter in an enemy capitol. Even the presence of an enemy city was new to Janine. The Rockets didn’t exactly like Lance, but she had been free to enter any of his cities.

    She jerked up silently, a noise barely detectable in the distance. It was some sort of metal colliding with metal, probably the advance of a rebel patrol. “Golbat,” she breathed as her partner materialized at her side. “Wait until they get into the clearing. Then go for Supersonic and Bite. I’ll be beside you,” she ordered readying her knife as the intruder got closer. The sound was getting more distinct now, and she didn’t believe it at first. Only when the approaching figure was ten meters from the clearing did she finally realize that she was hearing things correctly. She was hearing bells.

    “Return,” she whispered, Golbat returning to his Pokéball seconds later. “You shouldn’t have come this close to an enemy camp alone,” she called out to the silhouette at the edge of the clearing. “You could get yourself killed.”

    A melodic laugh rang out from the approaching figure, “Five years apart, and that’s the greeting I get?” He became more distinct now, until he was fully visible, even in the reduced light. He was wearing an Executive shirt, pure black with a crimson “R” sewn onto the lapel. His face retained its usual mischievous smile, with his pointed ears tucked into his pointed hat that reflected light off of its silver and gold colored exterior, almost as if it were actually made of the metals. He laughed again, the bell at the end of hat ringing as he did so. “You always were too serious, princess.”

    She smiled faintly, “And in eighteen years, you still haven’t come to terms with reality, Valence. I can’t believe you actually made it all the way to executive when you still can’t make it five of a conversation without laughing.”

    “And I can’t believe you allowed yourself to become Giovanni’s assassin, considering your… talents,” Valence replied, any attempt at seriousness ruined by the smirk on his face.

    Janine’s expression darkened considerably, “I do what I am told to do; but nothing more. Personal objections don’t matter.”

    Valence chuckled again, “I would disagree; in fact special talents and individual desires are the only things that keep an organization dynamic and focused. After all, loyalties that aren’t mutual don’t mean much.”

    “If you mean what I think you do, that was treasonous.” Janine glared at the executive, “Otherwise, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    Valence’s smile faded rapidly, “They said you had changed in the last five years. I didn’t believe you could have changed that much. Don’t you get what they’re doing to you? They don’t care about your sanity, or even your life. They just want to use you for a while, and get D-9. Beyond that, you’re nothing to him. I’m nothing to them. You’re father is nothing to them. If you obey them on loyalty alone, you’re even more out of touch with reality than I am,” he spat out, a disgusted look on his face.

    “That could get you killed,” Janine growled.

    Valence just shook his head, “If I mean anything to you at all, please think about what I said.” His smile returned, “Besides, it’s not like you have anything else to do.”
    Last edited by Rediamond; 13th March 2011 at 10:24 PM.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  12. #37
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Chapter Eleven: Capitol

    There are several possible reactions to being held at gunpoint. The most common is to scream uncontrollably due to fear. Another possible reaction is to completely lose track of the world in a state of shock and numbly comply with everything your captor says. I just laughed. The third time something happens, including having a lethal weapon pointed in your direction, it’s generally not a very big deal.

    It was hard to tell while he had his sunglasses on, but the soldier looked somewhat unsettled by my response. However confusing my response was, his voice was perfectly calm, “Identification, now.” I was about to object about having no such thing, when I vaguely remembered something. I slowly moved my left hand down into my left pocket, controlling the laughter much better than before. The soldier’s finger closed tighter on the trigger, “If you have a weapon, I advise that you put it on the ground. If you try to draw it, you will be shot immediately.”

    “Someone’s a little too serious today,” I murmured to myself. Sure enough, my hand tapped against a plastic card when I slipped it into my pocket, and I slowly pulled out a dream that had been nearly forgotten in the nightmare. The card’s lamination was starting to fall apart, and a small smear of blood appeared over the picture on the front side. The entire thing was coated in mud. It was hard to decipher just what it was, but I wiped some of the mud off of it with my sleeve to reveal my trainer’s card; the nearly forgotten object that was supposed to be my most prized possession. It’s amazing how quickly things can change.

    The moment the card was readable, I passed it to the man, who carefully examined it for a moment, before passing it back to me with one brisk motion. “One can never be too serious in a state of war,” he replied. With that, he turned around, and walked off through the narrow, dark hallway behind him.

    I slipped the card in my pocket and tried to come to a decision. Part of my mind wanted answers, and I suspected he had at least some of them. The rational part wanted nothing to do with a man who had a gun he was clearly willing to use. For possibly the only time in the last several days, my rational side lost.

    “Wait,” I ran through the tunnel, not stopping until I reached the soldier, who had paused to let me catch up. “I saw you earlier in Viridian City.”

    He nodded slowly, “What of it?”

    I paused for a second, trying to think of my reply, “You knew this was coming.” The words echoed softly off of the walls, the statement resonating throughout the hallway. For a long moment there was silence.

    “Yes, I did,” he replied curtly. “This is a maximum security area up ahead, kid. You can’t go past this point.”

    “But, if you knew it was coming, why didn’t you do anything to stop it?” I blurted out.

    “Do you understand that there was nothing we could do? There are two madmen in this country, and quite honestly, my father and I want nothing to do with either of them. The only reason that we even opened our borders to the survivors is that no one else would, and there’s no way in creation that the Oak’s pride was going to let him surrender to save thousands of lives,” he shouted, “You should be thankful for what you have,” with that, he stormed further down the hallway, and opened up a door.

    “What’s your name?” I shouted, desperate to know anything.

    He stepped into the doorway, and looked back; “Commander Brock, son of Leader Flint and head of the Pewter militia,” with that he stepped through the opening, and slammed the door shut behind him. I walked up to the door he had entered, and pulled on the cold, wet metal handle. It wouldn’t budge, having been locked from the inside.

    Back outside, the sun was fully under the horizon. I sighed; it’s never fun to set up a tent in the dark. The city operated under minimal light in the night to avoid air raids, which was great when we weren’t getting bombed, but made things rather annoying at night. I blundered through the darkness, periodically glancing back up at the signs on the side of the road for reassurance. It wasn’t a long walk back to the campsite, but it definitely wasn’t short, a fact which wasn’t helped by the almost total blackness.

    When I finally arrived at the field, I found it nearly deserted. I briefly wondered about it, but then decided to worry after I finished setting up my tent. I spread the orange tarp on the ground, inserting poles into loops in the corners of the tent, and finally connecting everything together with a plastic piece. I stepped back for a moment, and noticed a sound from the direction of the Pokémon center. I turned to face it, and focused on the noise for a moment, and then realized that I was hearing cheering. In order for the noise to reach me, it had to have been a fairly large crowd. I shrugged it off, and threw what little gear I had into the tent, when an explosive roar erupted from the crowd, and I decided to see what it was.

    I ran back over the asphalt road, each step echoing across the immediate area. As I got closer to the center, a faint glow appeared on the horizon, illuminating the area. Whatever it was, the entire downtown area had been lit up for it, which was surprising considering the risk of air strikes. As I got closer the roar of the crowd grew more intense, until I could barely hear anything else over the shouting.

    The crowd was focused at the battle courts behind the Pokécenter, where periodically glimpses of a battle could be seen. A large, iron snake that rose far above the crowd was fighting with something else that was too short to clearly be seen from my distance. “Excuse me, pardon me,” I muttered, as I pushed my way in through the crows, getting several angry glances from soldiers and civilians alike, but always slipping away before they could do anything about it. Eventually, I found myself on the stairs of the gym, which formed a grandstand of sorts to the battle unfolding below. An aging man with a large, brown beard and a face tucked beneath a brown mining helmet stood behind one of the largest Pokémon I had ever seen. It was a Steelix, a large, metal snake that stood almost twenty feet tall when it reared up, making it one of the largest Pokémon in existence, and by far the largest I had ever seen. On the opposite side of the arena, my mother stood behind her first Pokémon, worked up more than I had ever seen her get in a battle.

    “Lucario, Aura Sphere one last time!” she shouted, her command audible even over the roar of the spectators.

    “Dig, Steelix!”

    The iron snake attempted to shift his momentum towards the ground, but Lucario was simply too fast. With incredible speed, the bipedal jackal fired a ball of blue energy at Steelix. The orb exploded on contact, and the massive Pokémon fell to the ground unconscious, but apparently unharmed. The crowd rose to its feet, screaming uncontrollably. Some members, mostly the Pewter militia, were booing, while several others were cheering. My mother’s opponent withdrew his Pokémon, and crossed the battlefield for an obligatory handshake.

    As the crowd went crazy, I decided it was time to head back to my tent for the night before my mom could talk to me about the cocoon I’d left in her tent. I’d walked a few yards down the steps, when a hand grabbed my shoulder, “And just where do you think you’re going?” I whirled around to find myself face to face with Brock, who was keeping his hand clenched tightly on my shoulder. “Our parents just had themselves a battle, so why don’t we keep the crowd going,” he was talking loudly, trying to incite the crowd into pressuring me to accept.

    I broke away, pushing his hand off of my shoulder, “I don’t have any Pokémon,” I lied. “Can I just get to bed?”

    He grinned, the first display of emotion I had ever managed to detect from him, “Really, then if you don’t have any Pokémon, why do you have a trainer’s card?” I flinched, and his grin broadened. “On your honor as a trainer, you’re compelled to accept peaceful challenges whenever possible. You surely haven’t forgotten that have you.”

    I sighed, and turned back towards him, “Fine, you’ve got a battle. Two Pokémon on each side, withdrawal when one Pokémon faints, the basics,” I’d always dreamed of saying those words, but in that particular moment, there were very few I would rather say less. I couldn’t hope to beat the son of a gym leader who’d probably been training for more than a decade, and I was going to have to lose quite publicly. “Let’s just get this over with,” I mumbled as I walked towards the battle courts, the crowd parting as Brock and I moved.

    The crowd was in confusion, wondering what was happening as two new trainers, faintly resembling the last two combatants entered the arena. My mom’s opponent, the gym leader Flint, watched in silence from the sidelines, smirking slightly, while my mother looked confused, but said nothing. “This will be a two on two Pokémon battle between Kyle Jones of Pallet Town and Brock Stone of Pewter City,” the ref boomed. “Brock will choose the first Pokémon, as the challenger in the match.

    Brock smirked from behind his sunglasses, and raised a Pokéball from his belt. “Stefan, let’s go!” In a burst of light, a strange ball of various stones aggregated into a single orb with two arms appeared on the ground, pumping his stone fists in the air as the crowd went wild.

    I smiled faintly. Brock may have had experience, but I had a type advantage. “Mel, let’s do this,” I shouted, trying to sound as confident as possible. My mind raced as I tried to think of a good opening move. I had a type advantage to be sure, but Brock was obviously much more experienced than I was. Seeing as how I only had one advantage, though, my choice was already made. “Karate Chop.”

    “Counter with Mega Punch,” Brock yelled. Mel rushed across the stadium, but instead of using Karate Chop, he held his arms outstretched, and began to tear into Geodude with his claws in a Scratch attack. Geodude looked perplexed for a moment, but shrugged it off and raised his fist. His hand began to glow with intense white energy, and when it collided with Mankey, the pig monkey Pokémon was blasted back through the air and landed face first in front of me.

    “Go into Rock Throw,” Brock commanded. Mel staggered to his feet, and before I could give a command, he charged towards the rock-type before him, nimbly dodging an incoming stone, and slammed into Geodude, his fist charged with powerful chi energy. Geodude flew back across the arena, slamming into the chain link fence at the back of the court and almost going through. As the spectators nearby were sent into chaos, Geodude shook himself off and rolled forwards, ready to fight some more.

    “Alright, Mel, you’ve got to listen to me here,” I instructed, trying to keep myself calm. “Go for a Low Kick attack to send him into the air, and we can go from there, alright?” Mel looked back up at me, a rebellious snarl on his face. He may have been apologetic earlier, but he wasn’t willing to trust a new trainer in battle yet. That or his pride wouldn’t allow him to do so.

    Brock had been watching quietly as his Geodude crept back into the arena. “Well, will you look at that? The son of a commander who survives five days in the wilderness can’t even get his own Pokémon to obey him. Can you imagine that, Stefan? Let’s put him down quickly with a Rock Smash,” he shouted, intending for the entire arena to hear him.

    Geodude slammed his fist into the ground, a spray of rocks rising up from the impact site and showering towards Mankey, who leapt up into the air, and came down upon his foe with a powerful physical blow, knocking Geodude back a few feet, but not doing any noticeable damage.

    “Brock smile broadened as he gave his commands, “Finish things off with another Mega Punch, Stefan.”

    “Dodge it by jumping,” I screamed, despair barely masked. Geodude rolled forwards once again, a blue glow spiraling around him as he channeled energy into his fist. Mel screamed loudly, and rushed forwards, his own fist glowing with power. Geodude uncurled from his rolling attack, fist ablaze and prepared to strike Mankey down. Before Geodude could even think however, Mel lunged to the side, and slammed his fist down in a powerful Karate chop, throwing up smoke across the arena. Uneasy murmors rolled across the arena as the dust started to settle, revealing one Pokémon victorious, and one lying on the ground in excruciating pain.

    Brock’s voice was unemotional, but his gloating smile showed a different story. I didn’t hear what he said, lost in my own thoughts. He could’ve been in a different world for all I cared. There was a Pokémon of mine lying on the ground, a limb twisted gruesomely behind his back. A man intercepted me, “If you enter the court, you forfeit the match by standard league rules,” I brushed him aside, not caring about his message. “I take it that you don’t care. Ladies and Gentlemen, Kyle has been disqualified, Brock wins!” I could vaguely hear the crowd, some ardent supporters of Brock cheering, but for the first time in the night, most of the crowd was silent. It didn’t matter. I stopped in front of Mel, blood leaking from his right arm, which was shattered into pieces by the Mega Punch. Mel gave a soft cry as I knelt down beside him, but was unconscious almost immediately. Several nurses in white uniforms burst into the arena, lifting Mel out on a stretcher of sorts. I watched them numbly as they entered the Pokécenter, but started to leave after only a few minutes, the crowd parting before me.

    I didn’t want to be there. Try as I might, memories kept rising in my head, and I started to run, trying to leave the images behind. The usual pained moments were there, but another had joined their ranks. A small bird lay in a clearing, her left wing stained red. The forest was silent, the birds having stopped their songs. Then the forest started to fade into steel and cement, until another Pokémon was drenched in blood, the onlookers once again silent. I raised my head to the sky, letting some tears come now. “Why,” I screamed. “This, this can’t,” I croaked out, collapsing to my knees. The crowds hadn’t arrived yet, and I sat in silence and darkness, finally able to deal with things alone. Some distant, rational aspect of my mind told me I didn’t have any idea how I had gotten here. The rest of me said it didn’t matter. It hadn’t mattered four years ago, and it wouldn’t matter now. I would wake up in the morning again, pretending it hadn’t happened, society telling me it was okay. It wasn’t. It would never be. Some things could never be undone.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  13. #38
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Any of your business?
    Posts
    3,432

    Default

    Wow. I'm kind of at a loss for what to say. There's a reason I read your fic and get bored with many others, it's because I'm consistently drawn into the mind of your character and the fine detail of his story. I'm still not sure what the ending of the chapter means, is Mankey dead? Is it being told from the perspective of someone looking back after the events, or what? If not, then what did the four years ago thing mean? It's the kind of ending that makes me want to see the next chapter and I'm very much looking forward to it.
    Comp has died, borrowing brother's to edit this, won't be on much if at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Frost Nova View Post
    YOU CANNOT GRASP THE TRUE FORM OF FROST NOVA'S EGO!
    Quote Originally Posted by S.Bustathedog View Post
    Anolator

  14. #39
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Annhialator Zero View Post
    Wow. I'm kind of at a loss for what to say. There's a reason I read your fic and get bored with many others, it's because I'm consistently drawn into the mind of your character and the fine detail of his story. I'm still not sure what the ending of the chapter means, is Mankey dead? Is it being told from the perspective of someone looking back after the events, or what? If not, then what did the four years ago thing mean? It's the kind of ending that makes me want to see the next chapter and I'm very much looking forward to it.
    The passage at the end means a lot of things. It's looking back on events that occured before the start of the story, the events concerning the present situation with Mankey, and events that occur after the moment. If that makes any sense, good for you. Some of the 'past events' will be analyzed in yet another chapter added to this mess that was orignially supposed to be one chapter (Angels, Sticks and Stones, Capitol, and now Broken Dream). I am very glad I didn't do that, by trying to cram four chapters into one. Dawn Hero kind of beat me to a lot of what I was going to do, so to avoid making it look like I stole a bunch of ideas I have to make some revisions. Regardless, I'm still shooting for a chapter to be up sometime next weekend. On to the next point I guess...

    Thank you so much for telling me specifically what I'm doing right. I really, really hate "it was good," style reviews that tell me nothing specific. I actually wasn't aware that I did that coherently, much less well...

    Part of the problem I always noticed with earlier drafts is that a) the main character had no clear emotion/personality and b) the main character had no backstory. This only works if you're Stephanie Meyer. Therefore, I decided to actually try to build a backstory this time. Hopefully I'll do it well... (and stop using ellipses...)

    Anyways, thank you so much for the review!
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  15. #40
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Sorry that the chapter's late. I had a fairly eventful time during the last few weeks, but have a few long car rides soon to catch up on this. Regardless, with the exposition mostly out of the way, I decided to start a sub-plot that I was fairly unsure of when I planned out this draft. I would go into more detail, but I don't want to give anything away. Also, you may have seen some of my posts that Flames may be in for an early demise. I have gained some enthusiasm back since those posts, but I've been starting to question whether or not it's worth finishing. Regardless, here's the chapter.


    Chapter Twelve: Broken Dreams

    I stole a glance up at the moon. It was almost full, just starting to wane from the last few days. I don’t know how I forgot about the moon, but then again, I had other things to deal with at the time. The crowds weren’t coming, and the only noise I could hear was far in the distance. Now’s the best chance I’m going to get, I thought. I tore off my left glove, and twisted my hand until I was looking directly at my wrist. Upon exposure with the moonlight, the entire arm started to tingle, and I closed my eyes as a warm feeling ran up my spine. It wasn’t nearly as powerful as it could have been during a full moon, but it was what I needed to focus. I opened my eyes, smiling from the sudden relief, and carefully analyzing the pale blue illumination that was coming from my scar. I rose my head towards the sky, I love the moonlight.

    “Just promise me you won’t take the gloves off in public, alright Kyle?”

    “But mom, no one else wears gloves to school,” I whined.

    My mom sighed, “Yes, but they aren’t like you. You’re scar is different enough, you don’t have to make it glow for them.’

    “But isn’t it a good thing to be different?”

    “Yes, it’s okay to be different. But once you’re too different, people will start to be afraid. Just promise me you’ll wear the gloves,” she sounded frustrated, but I didn’t get it. She’d always said to respect people regardless of anything else, including the Pokémon. I didn’t understand why I had to wear the gloves. It was just a scar, why couldn’t people deal with it? Something about her tone convinced me not to argue, and I slipped on the long, white gloves without any further objections. After that, she stopped taking me out to see the moon. In fact, she seemed almost irrationally afraid of it.


    “Kyle,” a voice called, but it was still far away. She wouldn’t reach me for a while, but I still had to put the gloves back on. I exhaled slowly as the world got colder and the pale blue light faded back to a thin red line. “Oh, thank goodness I found you! Are you alright?”

    “Yes, mom, I’m fine. I’m not sure about Mel, but,” I trailed off. There was no need to finish that sentence.

    “He may make it out, Kyle. It’s too soon to tell.”

    “I’m sorry, Mrs. Jones, but we just don’t know. There doesn’t appear to be anything causing all of this, so we don’t even know where to begin.” My mother’s face fell as the doctor gave her the news. She was on the brink of tears, but managed to ask one more question before breaking down completely.

    “I-is there any chance he gets better?”

    “He may recover on his own accord, but we just can’t know Mrs. Jones,” my mother lost it, breaking down into tears and hiding her face inside of her long, blonde hair. A look of concern flashed across the doctor’s face, and he walked over and put a comforting hand on my mother’s shoulder. “I’ll give you some time to think things over, but it’s quite obvious that he is in some sort of pain. He may recover, but it is more likely things get worse. For his sake, Mrs. Jones, you should consider cutting off life support.”

    It was one of very few scenes I witnessed during those twelve days. As usual, it was the bleakest moment possible. At times, it seemed like it was never going to end, but the end was always so close.


    I continued to stare down at the cold asphalt I was sitting on, “You may be right about that. It all just seems so,” I paused.

    “So what?”

    “So hopeless I guess. Whenever things start to get better they just keep getting worse.”

    My mom sighed, “I think we’re both familiar with that.”

    She stared up at the silver moon, hands clasped in front of her. “Come on, you came through last time!” she shouted, her voice echoing across the mountain. There was silence for a long moment, until her head drooped down and her energy left her. “Please don’t abandon me now.”

    “Unfortunately so,” I grimaced at the memories, trying to keep them back for the moment. If only she knew.

    A lightning bolt streaked down from the sky, scorching the earth next to me. I hated lightning. I ran on, terrified now by the constant arcs of voltage slamming into the ground all around the field. It’s over. There’s no way to escape this time.

    Evil laughter rolled across the world from behind me, “Are you quitting so soon, boy? I thought you would give me a little more trouble than that,” it wasn’t a voice. It was pure terror, everything that sparked fear, roaring out a message at once. “It’s such a waste really. I could have had so much fun with you.” I turned around to face a column of black fire roaring up from the ground. “Farewell, little boy.”

    They told me it had never happened. I had been in a comatose state for twelve days, and none of it had to do with reality. None of it was real. I was perfectly safe. That’s what they said; every single therapist my mom dragged me to in the next three months. They just made it worse. They had no idea. I wanted to believe them, but something just didn’t seem right. My mom would say it wasn’t real, but she couldn’t hide her real views. During every moment of reality I had glimpsed in those twelve days, she had some idea what had been going on. And it had been very, very real.


    “Come on,” she smiled faintly, “worrying won’t do anything.” There were more memories, but I had an idea she was right. I slowly got to my feet, shaking some feeling back into my left leg which had already gone numb.

    “Yeah, we should get moving.” Thus we set out, walking in silence until we were back at our tents. No mention was ever made of the gigantic web inside of her living space. Enough had happened for a single night.

    Of course, the rodent tearing apart my tent had other plans. I groaned when I saw the mess, clearly visible in the moonlight. The very few things I had were scattered on the ground outside of a hole roughly cut into the edge of a plastic wall. I dropped a Pokéball to the ground, and Dawn appeared at my side. “Can you tell what it is in there?” I whispered as quietly as possible, fairly sure that Dawn could hear it. For better or worse, so could the Pokémon in the tent. The moment I spoke, the rustling stopped, and silence reigned. I caught myself not breathing, and tried to calm down. After a full minute, a single sound rang out. Something scraped across a wad of paper inside of the tent.

    In the next three seconds, a purple blur shot out from the hole it had made, and Dawn lunged forwards to tackle. The two collided in midair, and Dawn slashed into the belly of the intruder, sending it flying back through the air. It landed on its feet, and I got a better look at it. It was only slightly taller than Dawn, and shared her large front teeth that seemed disproportionately large, along with Dawn’s large ears, although this creature’s stuck straight up. The intruding Pokémon stood higher off of the ground, and was purple and covered in spines, indicating a highly poisonous bloodstream. I recognized it as a common rodent and pest, Nidoran. I remembered using its evolved form in my entrance exam almost two weeks ago. Of course, those were the two longest weeks of my life.

    The Nidoran was clutching a few granola bars it had stolen from my tent in its mouth, but it looked like it hadn’t eaten them. I knew why on some level, but I couldn’t remember it at the moment. “Okay, Dawn,” I spoke slowly and deliberately, trying to avoid any sudden attacks, “Go for another scratch, but make sure that you don’t touch the spikes, okay?”

    Dawn charged forwards, brining his claw up under the wild Pokémon’s belly. Unfortunately, I underestimated its defenses. In a blind rage, the Nidoran stabbed his horn straight at Dawn, who nimbly avoided the attack. Or at least, I thought he did. Vaguely visible in the dim light was a narrow scar running down Dawn’s left side. That wouldn’t normally have been a concern. But the liquid in the scar wasn’t red. It was bright, purple ooze. I stood in shock for a moment as Dawn clawed forwards, confusion and hatred in his eyes. With one last shudder, he collapsed to the ground, rendered unconscious by the poison.

    Nidoran seemed to be having some sort of an internal struggle, standing over Dawn, but not finishing her off. I reached down to my belt and placed my hand on the button to send out reinforcements. But it never came. As Nidoran absentmindedly started to press down on its food, never actually puncturing the seal, something clicked in my mind.

    The Nidoran lines, aside from a rumored colony in Mt. Moon, were solitary scavengers who hunted and lived alone, eating whatever food they found. There was one exception, which came about once a year in the summer time. During this time, Nidoran about ready for evolution would begin their courtship rituals, and would mate shortly after evolution. While mates were picked, it was customary for the male to show his ability to take care of his mate in the months they would be together. The wild Nidoran hadn’t wanted to fight. It was only trying to bring back some food.

    I glanced down at Dawn on the ground, the purple stain on her side starting to expand as the poison spread. Hate was welling up, but it was smothered by something else; maybe confusion. I’m still not sure, even after all of the other times in the last few months. Whatever it was, I knew I couldn’t hit the button. The ball clanked to the ground, as my grip slackened, unsure as to what to consciously do. I hung my head, the expanding stain numbing my mind of what rationality it had left. “Go,” I breathed. The Nidoran just cocked its large, pointed ear up, a slightly confused look on his face. “I said go,” I stated, my voice rising to an audible tone. The Nidoran started backing up, but didn’t leave. “Arceus hear me, I said go!” I screamed, the noise echoing over the field, as the Nidoran turned and fled.

    People had heard me. I knew that, but I didn’t care. People could think what they wanted of me. It didn’t change anything until I figured out what I thought about myself. I knelt down by Dawn, and carefully analyzed the scrape. The poison was steadily expanding with each feeble heartbeat, her very source of life ensuring her death.

    Of course, that’s why we have technology. I rummaged through the mess that the Nidoran had created until I found a small purple spray bottle, and sprayed the liquid on the scar. Dawn unconsciously writhed in pain. That either meant it was working, or that she was going to die anyways. As the antidote hit the wound, her flesh started to bubble as poison seeped out from the scar. A faint burning smell filled the air as the toxin met its antidote. Dawn continued to squirm, but her movements became less energetic, until she was sleeping fairly peacefully. I would drop her off by the Pokecenter later, giving me an excuse to avoid the small group of people that had started to enter the campsite following the battle. But for now, another injury was averted. At least something had gone right.

    -FoD-

    Commander Jones brushed away the insect web as she walked into her tent. She didn’t particularly mind the web- it’s not like she could do much about it, anyways. Commander Jones moved over to the footlocker at her bed, and started to rummage around for her sleeping clothes. She, mercifully, wasn’t on guard duty that night, so she had a few hours to get some sleep during the night. As she slipped off her normal commander’s uniform, she carefully placed her belt on her cot, and looked over each ball as she got her clothes on. Back in the day, she had been well on her way to clearing the Kanto gym challenge. She had come very close, but lost to the Elite Four before she could face the Champion. She had always meant to go back and face the league again, but Operation Dawn had gotten in the way. By the time she was finally done with that, the gym challenge had been shut down and she had been sucked into an entirely different challenge. She stared up at the pale glow of the moon shining through the tent’s roof and casting eerie shadows from the spider web. This was her fourth time in the shadow of Mt. Moon. For better or worse, the cave was ahead. She was going to have to meet its ruler once more.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  16. #41
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Sorry about the double post, but if I was ever going to do this, I wanted to do it this way.

    This writer sees no reason to further prolong this fic. Nor is there any need for more time to take in the facts against the story. The situation is extremely clear. I see no room for misinterpretation of the facts. Rediamond declares the story, Flames of Dawn,

    DISCONTINUED

    The accused will go back to the drawing board immediately, pending rewrite at a later date. That is all. Fic is dismissed.



    Yeah, I'm serious. After a particularly bad depressive episode that I don't want to talk about and the realization that this draft, once again, sucks and has failed to attract any sort of popularity, I have decided to discontinue it. If or when I get the self-esteem built back up to handle the possiblity of failure without any... reprecutions, I will rewrite this. But for now, this is over. I want to personally thank every reviewer I got, but particularly Gastly Man, SerenadeSP, and Annihalator Zero for recurrent or detailed reviews. That's all. I'll see you guys whenever I get my depression worked out to the point where I can freely write about death. However, I would appreciate some feedback on what I could improve on in the next draft, as I clearly failed for some reason. Any comments would be appreciated. Once again, this is not a joke.
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  17. #42
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Any of your business?
    Posts
    3,432

    Default

    Fair enough. Like I said I really appreciated your fanfic and thought it was excellently written, it's just sometimes stories don't catch that deserve to. Speaking as a musician I know all about excellent artists failing to reach their true potential due to general public disinterest or simple bad luck, and while this isn't quite the same, don't let a lack of interest dishearten you. Try posting any future fics on sites like fanfiction.net . Since that's a website dedicated to fanfiction, and has a section devoted entirely to Pokemon fanfiction, you'll reach a larger target audience than here. Of course, you should post on both sites. The more potential readers, the better.
    Comp has died, borrowing brother's to edit this, won't be on much if at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Frost Nova View Post
    YOU CANNOT GRASP THE TRUE FORM OF FROST NOVA'S EGO!
    Quote Originally Posted by S.Bustathedog View Post
    Anolator

  18. #43
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Annhialator Zero View Post
    Fair enough. Like I said I really appreciated your fanfic and thought it was excellently written, it's just sometimes stories don't catch that deserve to. Speaking as a musician I know all about excellent artists failing to reach their true potential due to general public disinterest or simple bad luck, and while this isn't quite the same, don't let a lack of interest dishearten you. Try posting any future fics on sites like fanfiction.net . Since that's a website dedicated to fanfiction, and has a section devoted entirely to Pokemon fanfiction, you'll reach a larger target audience than here. Of course, you should post on both sites. The more potential readers, the better.
    Thanks. I started posting it there, and will probably post the rest of it soon. That is, until I reach the last chapter here. Then, I'll see. Anyways, thanks for reading!
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

  19. #44
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    411

    Default

    Oh, sorry to hear that Rediamond. I really did enjoy your story! If you ever want advice on revision/improvements then feel free to message me. You should also link me to any rewrite you post!

    I agree with Anhilator Zero; sometimes the best stories just don't get the appreciation they deserve. D: Keep at it!
    Hidden Gems and Hollow Lies
    When Zev discovers a portal to the Pokémon world, he is quickly swept into a journey in the dangerous Rizen region, which is infested with an abnormally high quantity of Ghost and Dark type Pokémon. But with demons lurking in the forests, treasures hidden within the mountains, drugged Pokémon competing in the League, and legendary Pokémon being driven into madness all around him, he will be lucky to finish his journey at all.

    Chapter 3 Progress: 7% [last update - 7 years ago! Whoops.]
    Working on a banner!

    Rizen Pokedex: 128 created! ~ My art

  20. #45
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    215

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Oh, sorry to hear that Rediamond. I really did enjoy your story! If you ever want advice on revision/improvements then feel free to message me. You should also link me to any rewrite you post!

    I agree with Anhilator Zero; sometimes the best stories just don't get the appreciation they deserve. D: Keep at it!
    Thanks for the encouragement. I'll probably send you some messages as I get into the advanced stages of the rewrite. As for now, I've put in about 10 hours into planning draft two in the time since I posted the cancellation notice. Given the fact that I've got at least three months before I post NS3.1 (project title, won't confirm name for a while, as I don't know), this will have a lot of planning going into it. In addition, I'm actually going to write chapters a few weeks in advance, and have them incredibly prestructured, two major problems with NS3.0 Flames. Two major points I'm still in the air on are whether or not to cut out switches to other characters entirely, and whether or not to have scenes from a third person perpective detailing interaction between the Pokemon on [insert protagonist's name (won't be Kyle) here]'s team.

    If you want to respond to either of those, you can VM/PM me about it. Also, this may be a bad place to say this, but since I'm going to be taking a hiatus from Serebii for awhile, can you put mr on the PM list for Hidden Gems and Hollow Lies? Regardless, thanks for your support, GastlyMan!
    In the shadows, you will find truth.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •