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Thread: Confessions and Sacrifices (Amourshipping, PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default Confessions and Sacrifices; Mini-Fanfic (Amourshipping, PG-13)

    Hi all, Spectro889 here.
    I wrote this back in the beginning of October, just as a short mini-fanfic to see how my ability to write fanfiction was.

    The pairing of this story is Amourshipping, as it says in the title. Just to note, this is my first fanfic. I will read all comments and any constructive criticisms will be much appreciated.
    This story is also found on my FanFiction.net page, which is where I originally wrote it. The link to my profile can be found in my signature, or the fanfiction can be found directly here.

    Nevertheless, enough talk from me. Hope you like it!

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    Chapter 1 - Some Dangers Lead to Sacrifices

    After an extremely dangerous encounter with the Destruction Pokémon, Yveltal – it begins to launch devastating Hurricanes at every angle. Little did Ash and Serena know, one of his Hurricanes was directed at them. They were separated from Clemont and Bonnie previously, trying to find their way out of the forest to reunite with them, however they were in a situation of life and death.

    *earlier that day - 2 hours ago*

    Ash, Serena, Clemont and Bonnie were traversing through the woods, trying to find their way to the nearest Pokémon Centre to stay for the night.

    "B.. b.. bro. I'm not sure if this.. is a good place to be moving in. What.. if there are monsters that attack us?" asked Bonnie shaking in fright.

    "Bonnie, there is no need to worry, as long as we stick together… we'll be fine." replied Clemont, Bonnie's older brother, in reassurance.

    "Clemont is right, Bonnie. I'll make sure that nothing attacks us, I'll protect you, I promise." said Ash in a confident tone, giving a thumb-up and a wink to Bonnie.

    Whilst behind them, was Serena – a honey-blonde, teenage girl who started her journey not long ago. Many years ago in her childhood, she went to Professor Oak's Summer Camp. At one point, she injured herself whilst trying to find her way out, back into safety. Ash then came out, and treated her injured knee by tying a handkerchief to it. Ash helped her back up and showed her back to the campsite. Ever since then, Serena had developed feelings for him.

    Serena smiled at Ash. "He's just so caring and so brave. That's what I love about him.." She thought, beginning to blush when mentioning the word 'love' in that thought.

    A gigantic bellow of rage sounded within the forest, the four quickly turning around in response.

    "What.. was.. that?" questioned Serena, in a very fearful tone.

    Then appeared a large shadowed figure. There were huge wings, and massive claws that appeared through the intense fog; bright, glowing blue eyes gleaming through. As it came closer, it appeared to have a red and black toned body.

    It was the Destruction Pokémon, Yveltal.

    "Yveltal?! What is it doing here?" exclaimed Ash, perturbed of what he just witnessed.

    Yveltal let out another bellow, launching its Air Slashes at the majority of trees in the forest. One of which was about to fall on all four of the gang.

    "LOOK OUT!" shouted Ash. He ran and pushed Serena at the way. Clemont doing the same with Bonnie.

    "*cough cough* CLEMONT! BONNIE! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" yelled Ash. Serena and Ash were left on one side of the massive tree barricading the path, making it impenetrable for them to pass. Clemont and Bonnie were on the other end.

    "ASH! SERENA! We're OK, are you?!" shouted Clemont in response to Ash's question.

    "Ash, we're not going to get out of here. This tree is barricading our entry, and we can't get to Clemont and Bonnie" Serena told Ash, brushing off all the dirt that landed on her clothes during the fall.

    "GUYS! We're going to take an alternate route, we'll get to you guys soon, I promise!" declared Ash, determined he was going to reunite with them.

    "OK! Be careful Ash!" replied Clemont. They took off and tried to find another way out.

    "Serena, let's go" Ash taking Serena's hand, Serena beginning to blush in response to that gesture; they began traversing through to find their way out.

    Ash looked at Serena and smiled. He had feelings for Serena as well, but never had the willpower to admit her feelings to her. She always cheered him on in his battles, helped and treated him when he was injured at some times, and she always is so nice and caring towards him.

    The ground shook from one of Yveltal's brutal attacks, Hurricane. Enormous trees and rocks being thrown from all directions.

    Ash and Serena grabbed onto a tree and braced themselves with all their power. "SERENA! HANG ON!" yelled Ash. The attack was too strong for them... consequently losing their grip and was moved off their feet from the mega-powerful gust that Yveltal's Hurricane forged.

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    *Present day*

    Serena and Ash were blown off the cliffside, but Serena managed to grab onto the edge of the cliff, desperately trying to pull herself and Ash, who managed to grab onto her left-hand beneath her.

    "Ash... are you alright?!" yelled Serena, trying to keep up her strength to latch on.

    "Yeah, I'm good. What's gotten Yveltal so agitated? We didn't do anything to deserve this!" replied and questioned Ash in a furious tone.

    Another one of Yveltal's Hurricanes launched in Serena's direction, Serena's grip loosening, almost at the point of falling down into the opaque mist below with Ash.

    "Serena... let me go. I'm the one who is putting all this weight on you" said Ash.

    "What?! No Ash, you and I are getting out of this together. You said it yourself, 'Never give up until the end!' shouted Serena in a determined tone.

    "Serena…" said Ash, staring into her eyes

    "Look Ash. I'm not letting you go! You mean so much to me! We will always be together, no matter what happens!" Tears start flowing down Serena's cheek as she said this.

    "Serena. You've always motivated me and cheered on for me in our battles. You've always been there for me, and helped me when times were tough. You are the greatest friend anyone can ever have. I mean it!" Ash said in a firm tone, instantly telling Serena that he had feelings for her.

    Serena stared in shock with what Ash just said. He has feelings for her, Ash Ketchum had feelings for her. The boy who saved her from Prof. Oak's summer camp and was her life-long crush had feelings for her.

    Some rocks on the edge of the cliff started to disintegrate, Serena shrieking and trying to maintain her strength to keep themselves up.

    "Serena, trust me. Let me go." Ash continued.

    Serena's eyes were beginning to water once again, she desperately did not want to let go of Ash, and she wasn't going to let her life-long crush fall to his doom. She was near to the point of releasing her grip from all the pressure being put on her.

    "Ash… no… please". Serena weeping as she said those words.

    "I'll be back for you Serena… I... love... you."

    Serena froze in shock of what Ash just said. The following words, 'I love you' kept circling around her head.

    Afterwards, Ash let go of his grip on Serena's hand, and begins falling down into the opaque mist. Time for Serena just slowed down – she watched in horror as her crush started falling down to his death.

    "ASH! NOOOO!" screeched Serena. Her tears flowed more rapidly, faster than the speed of rain.

    She couldn't process what was happening. Ash sacrificed his life to save her, not only that – he stated he loved her. The boy that Serena always loved but never had the confidence to confess to him, said he loved her – now sacrificing his life.

    "Ash… why…" She hardly managed to let out those words, she was so overcome with extreme grief.

    Clemont and Bonnie whilst trying to find Ash and Serena, heard the stricken scream of Serena's. They immediately started running where the voice came closer, and closer.

    "SERENA! We've been looking all over for you! What happened, are you hurt?" said Clemont in a very worried tone, pulling Serena up with his Aipon arm.

    "Serena... where's Ash..?" asked Bonnie in a concerned tone.

    "Ash…" Serena struggled to complete Bonnie's question, as she was in such devastation of what happened during the past few minutes. She just pointed at the nebulous mist.

    Clemont and Bonnie stared at Serena's tear-stained face in horror.

    "Ash... sacrificed... his life. To save me." Serena managed to make out her words to the blonde siblings, but she broke into tears again.

    "Ash... no. It can't be possible... he has to be alive!" yelled Bonnie, tears starting to flow down her cheeks as well.

    Clemont was still in the state of ultimate shock, he was frozen in place, and he wasn't able to make out one word or even an emotion.

    "He said he loved me. I loved him ever since he rescued me back at Professor Oak's Summer Camp when I was a child, and I kept those feelings ever since. Now he is gone, and I'll never see him again. Why did he have to die… WHY?!" Serena raises her voice to her maximum and yells upwards, into the sky. She dropped to her knees.

    Bonnie ran up to her and hugged Serena with all her might, beginning to cry into her shoulder.

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    END OF CHAPTER 1

    Thanks for reading my first chapter everyone!

    EDIT 10th Nov 2014: Chapter 2 has been posted below.
    Last edited by Spectro889; 10th November 2014 at 9:04 PM.
    "One shall stand in victory, and one shall suffer defeat in death."

    Feel free to send me a friend request!


  2. #2
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    My final chapter. (definitely a mini-fanfic for sure :s)
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    Recap from the ending of Chapter 1 –

    "I'll be back for you Serena… I… love… you."

    "ASH! NOOOO!" screeched Serena. Her tears flowed more rapidly than the speed of rain.

    "SERENA! We've been looking all over for you! What happened, are you hurt?" said Clemont, pulling Serena up with his Aipon arm.

    "Serena… where's Ash..?" asked Bonnie

    "Ash… sacrificed… his life. To save me. He said he loved me. Why did he have to die… WHY?!" yelled Serena in extreme grief.


    End Recap Sequence

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    Chapter 2 - The Return

    Serena, kneeling on the floor, was still grieving over Ash's sacrifice to save her. She loved him deeply, and his sacrifice turned her life to misery. She did not act nor feel the same without the Ash that she loved.

    Clemont regained control after staying frozen for many minutes processing what he had just heard. He slowly walked up to Serena and placed his hands on her shoulders.

    "Serena. I... am so sorry. Ash was a very brave, kind and determined boy. He would never give up on anything, and risk his life to save others. " Clemont whispered into her ear.

    Serena snuffled and looked up to Clemont. She stopped crying momentarily, and replied, "Thank you Clemont... I'm glad I have you and Bonnie to support me. I just miss Ash so much… he didn't deserve to end his life like this." She then turned her head, facing the ground; her eyes closed, and her eyes started to water once more.

    "He said... he will be back for me. But no one could survive a fall that deep down!" she exclaimed whilst she was wiping off her tears with her hands.

    Clemont shot his eyes wide open, "Ash said he'll be back for you? If I have thought of this correctly, he must be alive still!"

    Serena also shoots her eyes wide, and replies slowly, "You're saying that Ash… could still be alive?!"

    Clemont's glasses sparked and reflected a bright glare, "It doesn't seem that Ash would let himself die if he said those words. I'm guessing he had sacrificed himself to save you, and he will come back for you some way or another. What I am trying to say, Serena - is don't give up hope on Ash. He always get through, no matter how difficult the task may be."

    Serena had stopped crying. She slowly took a deep intake of breath, and said with a strong passion, "You're right Clemont. I still have hope in Ash, he must be alive! He will come back for us, I'm sure of it!"

    Clemont simply smiled and complied by nodding his head in agreement, "Yes, Serena. For now, let's get out of this forest. But, be very careful with your steps, Yveltal is still above us I believe." The three, Serena, Clemont and Bonnie continue on finding their way out of the forest, taking cautious measures to escape without alerting the Destruction Pokémon soaring above them.

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    Meanwhile... in a dark, tenebrous cave down, several metres deep.

    There was no voices, just the sound of wind, gusting inside. Minutes later, coughs echoed through the caves… it seems someone was down there.

    More coughs for echoed, but further down the cave, was a shadowy figure. The figure released a Pokémon of some sort and its tail lit with a bright, red flame. The figure was then able to be identifiable: It was Ash. He began brushing off the dust and dirt on his clothes, and finally spoke alongside his Pokémon, which was a Charizard.

    "Charizard, we managed to survive that fall! Thank you so much buddy." said Ash joyfully. He began rubbing Charizard's head, which he responded to with a relieved sigh.

    "I hope Serena, Clemont and Bonnie are OK… I really hope Serena is safe, and she managed to get out of that mass destruction caused by Yveltal. Let's head out and find our way back to the forest and find them."

    Charizard nodded in agreement, and Ash slowly mounted his Charizard, tapping him on the next as a signal to begin flying. Charizard begins to flap his wings with such force, and goes airborne.

    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _

    Back to the trio in the forest.

    Serena, Clemont and Bonnie were making their approach to escaping out of the forest, especially due to Yveltal's arrival and its array of attacks.

    "Come on guys, let's keep going. I can see some sort of exit on that side. We must nearly be there." said Clemont, carefully watching their tracks.

    One deafening bellow sounded across the entire forest, causing the three to shut their ears with their hands in response.

    "We haven't reached out of here… yet." Serena responded with fright. The trio slowly turned around before they saw a huge, dark shadowy figure appear through their eyes: Yveltal found where they were.

    Serena gulped and began to walk back, trying to maintain a calm and innocent expression. "Yveltal… we did nothing wrong to anger you. We are not your enemies… we just got lost in the forest and are trying to find their way back".

    Yveltal gave them a death-defying and horrific glare, a glare that gives people their worst nightmare. Bonnie uncontrollably began to tremble in ultimate fear. He began to charge one of his powerful moves, Dark Pulse. Additionally to this, a large, purple aura became visible, the clouds convert to a dull, gloomy colour – the same as on a very thundery occasion.

    "It's charging Dark Pulse! We need to get out of here, NOW!" yelled Clemont as he grabbed Bonnie's hand and started to run; Serena snapping her head out of thought and began running as well. While the trio's had only one goal in their mind: to survive, they ran without noticing their surroundings. Serena kept on running and running until she wasn't able to see Bonnie or Clemont. "GUYS! WHERE ARE YOU?!" she shouted. A pit visibly appeared through the intense fog, she then losing her footing – therefore falling into the pit. Yveltal was still at close-range from Serena and even worse – its Dark Pulse had completed charging.

    Yveltal began spreading its wings and claws outwards, and now summoning its Dark Pulse. Clemont and Bonnie began running back in accordance to Serena's yell, now terrified at what they were seeing… was Serena going to be annihilated by Yveltal's attack?

    "SERENA! GET OUT OF THERE!" cried Bonnie. Serena was like a sister she never had, they had lots in common, they were always having fun and she was always kind. She wasn't going to let her die.

    Yveltal launched its Dark Pulse, aiming right at Serena. Clemont and Bonnie shrieked; Serena then bracing herself by crouching and wrapping her arms over her head.

    "CHARIZARD! USE FLAMETHROWER!" yelled an unknown voice. Its Pokémon followed its trainer's command, and fired Flamethrower at the Dark Pulse launched by Yveltal. The flamethrower disintegrated Yveltal's Dark Pulse, splitting into tiny pieces; now falling onto the floor. Clemont, Bonnie and especially Serena was shocked at what happened. 'Who was that? That voice sounded familiar…" questioned Serena in her mind. They turned around to see who issued that attack.

    The figure slowly began walking forward, the trio now beginning to identify the trainer and their eyes widened with complete shock. It was Ash Ketchum.

    "Hey guys, it's glad to see you are all OK." said Ash flashing a thumbs-up at the three with one hand, patting his Charizard for that well-aimed flamethrower attack with the other. The trio spoke no words, just staring at the boy who they thought had died after sacrificing himself to save Serena during the cliff incident… was here, and alive.

    "A-A-Ash… is that really you?" asked Serena, barely managing to process what she was seeing, stuttering her question.

    "Yes Serena, it is really me. I'm so glad to see you're alright" replied Ash, his face with that soft, caring smile and those warm, joyful brown eyes that would make Serena's heart melt.

    Serena couldn't say anything. The boy she loved for all her life, the boy who sacrificed his life for her safety had come back from what she thought was the 'impossible'. Clemont was right, he would come back, no matter the difficulty of the task. She began dashing towards Ash, at her fullest speed – until the point that she finally met up with him face to face, she tackled him into a loving embrace. Serena raised her hand and caressed his cheek, then burying her head into Ash's shoulder; now starting to cry in happiness.

    "I have missed you so much… Ash. I thought you were gone from me forever…" cried Serena, tears flowing down Ash's jacket. In response, Ash wrapped his arms around Serena securely and began stroking her hair.

    "Nothing will let me disappear from you Serena… I promise." said Ash, softly whispering into her ear; a deep blush now starting to appear on Serena's face. She smiled in response, but unfortunately their romantic moment was interrupted… from an infuriated roar by Yveltal.

    Ash released his grip on Serena, and started to walk towards Yveltal. "You will not hurt my friends Yveltal. I will never let anything happen to them, even if that means getting through you!" shouted Ash with all his might. Serena smiled lovingly in admiration of Ash's braveness and courage.

    Yveltal's glowing eyes turned from a bright blue, to a malignant dark red. It began to get into a fighting position, taunting Ash to battle it. Ash turned, facing Serena, Clemont and Bonnie. He then looked at Charizard, saying, "You guys have never seen this before, but I have to use this for our current situation, it's our only hope…" Afterwards, Ash pulled up his right sleeve, shocking the three by unveiling a bracelet-like item on his wrist – with a glowing orb situated there: it was a mega ring.

    "Charizard, let's do our very best and end this destruction. MEGA EVOLVE!" yelled Ash. He folded his arm in front of him, and touched the glowing keystone on his mega ring – letting out an energizing field flowing towards Charizard. Charizard's mega-stone reacted to its mega ring's command, also letting out an energizing field leading towards Ash. The two energizing fields connected together, Charizard beginning to glow and change form (like a Pokémon evolving). Mere seconds later, a bright light flashed across the whole forest, unveiling Charizard's new form… it was Mega Charizard Y.

    "Ash has… Mega Charizard… Y?" exclaimed Clemont in complete shock, their best friend and travelling companion having a mega-evolved Pokémon, evolving right in front their very own eyes.

    "Alright Charizard, use Dragon Rage!" commanded Ash, Charizard acknowledging its trainer's order and performing it. Charizard dashed at Yveltal with such speed and power, his body turning bright blue as well as a huge blue aura appearing around him. He hits Yveltal with extreme power, making him soar uncontrollably and smashing into a massive set of trees, destroying all of them in its path.

    'Such power…' Serena thought whilst watching the intense battle in progress.

    Yveltal recovers from Charizard's attack, and uses its Phantom Force attack. A dark purple portal appears below it, and Yveltal vanishes. Serena, Clemont and Bonnie's eyes widen of Yveltal's disappearance.

    "Yveltal vanished? Has it fled from the battle?" asked Bonnie in curiosity.

    "No Bonnie, not yet… Be alert Charizard, it can attack from any angle." replied Ash with a firm tone, Charizard nodding in agreement. A few seconds later, the same coloured portal appears behind Charizard; Yveltal now launching its attack – hitting Charizard hard. Charizard took a direct hit, and fell towards the ground; a huge cloud of dust and dirt appearing after that heavy attack.

    "Charizard! Are you alright?!" asked Ash in worry. Charizard rose up to its feet, going airborne again… it nods in reassurance.

    "Good. Let's end this. Charizard, use Inferno!" declared Ash. Charizard launches a massive inferno at Yveltal, immobilizing it and inflicting high damage from the burns in Charizard's attack. After Charizard's inferno dissipated, Yveltal had no control and began colliding head-on into the ground – causing another large cloud of dust and dirt to spread. Ash covered his face with his arms, the other three following his gesture.

    After the cloud dissipated into the air, it left a knocked-out Yveltal, with swirls in its eyes.

    "Good job Charizard, we've done it. Take some good rest now buddy" Ash rubbing Charizard's neck, responding with a smile. He returns to his normal form, and is recalled by Ash to his pokeball. He turned to face Serena, Clemont and Bonnie, all with shocked expressions and mouths open.

    "Ash… you defeated… Yveltal." Serena was the first to speak, still in huge amazement of what she just witnessed of Ash, her long-life crush and love.

    "It wasn't me. It was all thanks to Charizard, you take a good rest now buddy. Now, let's get back to the Pokémon centre." Ash replied with a wink and thumbs-up, beginning to walk with the others; finding their way to the Pokémon Centre.

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    30 minutes later… in the Pokémon Centre.

    "Hello Ash. It's nice to see you. Your Pokémon are now fully recovered. May I ask? What happened out there, there was explosions and everything..." asked Nurse Joy in concern.

    "Nothing to be worried about Nurse Joy, it's all handled and dealt with. Thank you for treating my Pokémon for me." Ash replied with reassurance. Nurse Joy smiled in response, afterwards handing over Ash's pokeballs. It consisted of his Greninja, Talonflame and Hawlucha. Pikachu was brought out in a trolley, happily jumping onto Ash's shoulder and nuzzling his neck.

    "It's great to see you too Pikachu!" Ash said joyfully, scratching Pikachu's neck, causing him to happily oblige. "Chaaaaa…" Pikachu cooed dreamily.

    "Ash, I think it's time for me to put Bonnie to bed now. Thanks for rescuing us back there… and it's great to see you again" said Clemont, giving Ash a bro-hug. He then lifted Bonnie and carried her on his shoulder, her lightly snoring.

    Ash chuckled in response. He turned to Serena and said, "Let's get some rest. But before we do, there is something I need to tell you... privately."

    Serena nodded in response and followed Ash outside, where the decking was. The sky was dark, the moon shining brightly through the stars above.

    "Serena. You have always supported me through the beginning. Throughout my gym battles, when times were tough for me, when I was injured and you were always there to help. You are the most caring, and most beautiful girl I ever know." Ash began, meaning every word that he said. Serena smiled and blushed heavily at his statement.

    "I had feelings for you, feelings that had never occurred to me previously. It's like I can tell anything to you, secrets, memories, you are someone I can always trust…" Ash continued.

    "Ash… I feel the same way about you too. Ever since you rescued me from Professor Oak's Summer Camp when we were kids, I developed feelings for you ever since. You have always been so nice to me, you supported me and even rescued me from dangerous encounters in the past. You have helped motivate me when times were difficult, and I can't thank you enough..." Serena replied, smiling warmly at Ash… making him start to blush.

    "Really Serena? You mean it?" asked Ash, in surprise.

    "Every word." replied Serena, still giving that warm smile at Ash.

    "I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time Serena, but never had the chance to – either because I wasn't confident enough, or times where it was possible, had to be interrupted by something or another. What I'm trying to say is Serena… is I love you." Ash told Serena. Serena staring in shock of what Ash just said, her face turning a bright red. Mere seconds later, she began tearing up and crying.

    "Oh no Serena! I made you cry!" Ash said in worry. 'No no no, this isn't how I wanted it to turn out' Ash thought in fright.

    "I'm crying of happiness Ash..." Serena said, wiping the tears that ran down from her eyes. "I love you too." she continued.

    Ash opened his eye wide-eyed in shock. The most beautiful and caring girl that he had intense feelings for all this time, said that she also had feelings and loved him too.

    "Serena…" Ash trailed on. He wrapped his arms around Serena in a loving embrace, and slowly moved his face towards Serena's, shutting his eyes at that moment. Serena complied by closing her eyes, and leaning towards Ash. The moment and their dreams were fulfilled when their lips touched and connected with each other for the first time. Ash became dazed and his mind became clear of all thoughts; except the fact that he loved Serena deeply, and is now kissing the girl he had those deep feelings for. Serena too became stunned and extremely happy that she is now together with the boy she had always loved.

    The time came when they had to break apart from their first kiss, breathing in for air.

    "Serena. I'll always love you, and nothing is going to break us apart…" Ash stated lovingly, staring into Serena's precious, azure eyes.

    "Me too Ash. I never want us to be drawn away from one another. We will always stay together, no matter what." Serena replied, with a burning passion.

    Ash simply replied with a smile, and wrapped his arms around Serena. Serena rested her head on Ash's shoulder and sighed dreamily. She and Ash are now a couple, and are together… forever.

    Clemont looked out the window, watching the scene the entire time. He smiled, "I'm glad you guys are together now. You guys are perfect for each other. Now if only I created an invention that actually worked…" he thought, in hope that he will succeed in creating a fully-working invention.

    'We'll always be together… till the very end.'

    FIN

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    My first fanfic finished. Thank you guys for reading.
    I guess I really meant it when I said it was a mini-fanfic. I am not so good on the imaginative side, and didn't have enough ideas to keep this story going. So I left it here to see how my writing turned out...
    I hope you enjoyed my story regardless.

    See you guys soon.

    -Spectro889
    Last edited by Spectro889; 10th November 2014 at 9:13 PM.
    "One shall stand in victory, and one shall suffer defeat in death."

    Feel free to send me a friend request!


  3. #3
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    Okay... Okay... Okay....

    I may appear as though I am a bit of a heartless b*tch while writing this review, since I am aware this is your first fanfic and all... but.... Wha?

    I'll start with the positives.... This fanfic has a lot of descriptive language (use of adjectives to describe settings and characters), something that I criticized both matthew11 AND taeuknam previously for not having these in their respective fics. I like some of the phrases, such as,"Some rocks on the cliff began to disintegrate", and "Yveltal's glowing eyes turned from a bright blue, to a malignant dark red." Your grammar is definitely 100% there, with these elements, this means you are one of the 10% top-tier first writers I have met.

    However, the main problems lie within the plotlines of this story. I will explain this later.
    So for the Cons:

    1. Only two chapters? For this story to work, you need some buildup of what the gang did previously (not like that recap, which blasted right into the climatical action) so the impact of feeling bad for these characters will have a more, well, better impact! (if that's what you intended to do) Some things gave me a very confused 'huh'? within the story, which possibly could've been improved had it been longer. Examples such as 'How the hell did Ash get a f*cking Mega Ring?', "Where the hell did Yveltal come from?", or "How did Charizard show up?" need to be explained in the story before this point so it doesn't leave your reader confused.

    2. I understand you can use OOC themes with characters, but sometimes, they shouldn't be used. Ash admitting he loves Serena.... It's an interesting dynamic, and I have seen very few fics use this with this shipping. But keep in mind just cause you use the characters for your story, you still need to respect them as CANON characters. If you remember, Ash obviously doesn't have a single romantic bone in his body. Unless Ash keeps this romance bubbles up inside, again, needs explanation or some kind of buildup before he suddenly starts to admit his love for somebody. It feels a bit awkward, but I probably won't call OOC themes a negative point, some fics make characters OOC and it turns out very well. As long as some emotions the characters get are explained, I think this can work, but for now... This point I brought up here is a bit controversial in my book.

    3. Was the recap in the beginning really necessary? I think it would've been better if it started with them getting attacked by Yveltal first, but that's just my opinion.

    4. All the personalities in this story are dramatic... maybe a bit too dramatic.... Yes, Serena would be upset if Ash 'died', but crying over it? Totally overboard if you ask me. I doubt she'd be that upset imo.

    VERDICT: I do admit this fanfic has a great idea, great grammar, and even better descriptions, but much of the dialogue and writing in this story is overly-dramatic to the point where I'd rather be watching a soap opera. This is an example of a fanfic that takes Ship-over-story as its respective style. The fact this whole center of this story is centered on the basis of Amourshipping, rather than the conflict of the gang with Yveltal. More development would have to be made on this story to give out a lasting impact.
    Last edited by jjztiger; 14th November 2014 at 5:56 PM.
    "I'm the Canadian Infernape, been awfully cynical since 2011."

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by jjztiger View Post
    Okay... Okay... Okay....

    I may appear as though I am a bit of a heartless b*tch while writing this review, since I am aware this is your first fanfic and all... but.... Wha?

    I'll start with the positives.... This fanfic has a lot of descriptive language (use of adjectives to describe settings and characters), something that I criticized both matthew11 AND taeuknam previously for not having these in their respective fics. I like some of the phrases, such as,"Some rocks on the cliff began to disintegrate", and "Yveltal's glowing eyes turned from a bright blue, to a malignant dark red." Your grammar is definitely 100% there, with these elements, this means you are one of the 10% top-tier first writers I have met.

    However, the main problems lie within the plotlines of this story. I will explain this later.
    So for the Cons:

    1. Only two chapters? For this story to work, you need some buildup of what the gang did previously (not like that recap, which blasted right into the climatical action) so the impact of feeling bad for these characters will have a more, well, better impact! (if that's what you intended to do) Some things gave me a very confused 'huh'? within the story, which possibly could've been improved had it been longer. Examples such as 'How the hell did Ash get a f*cking Mega Ring?', "Where the hell did Yveltal come from?", or "How did Charizard show up?" need to be explained in the story before this point so it doesn't leave your reader confused.

    2. I understand you can use OOC themes with characters, but sometimes, they shouldn't be used. Ash admitting he loves Serena.... It's an interesting dynamic, and I have seen very few fics use this with this shipping. But keep in mind just cause you use the characters for your story, you still need to respect them as CANON characters. If you remember, Ash obviously doesn't have a single romantic bone in his body. Unless Ash keeps this romance bubbles up inside, again, needs explanation or some kind of buildup before he suddenly starts to admit his love for somebody. It feels a bit awkward, but I probably won't call OOC themes a negative point, some fics make characters OOC and it turns out very well. As long as some emotions the characters get are explained, I think this can work, but for now... This point I brought up here is a bit controversial in my book.

    3. Was the recap in the beginning really necessary? I think it would've been better if it started with them getting attacked by Yveltal first, but that's just my opinion.

    4. All the personalities in this story are dramatic... maybe a bit too dramatic.... Yes, Serena would be upset if Ash 'died', but crying over it? Totally overboard if you ask me. I doubt she'd be that upset imo.

    VERDICT: I do admit this fanfic has a great idea, great grammar, and even better descriptions, but much of the dialogue and writing in this story is overly-dramatic to the point where I'd rather be watching a soap opera. This is an example of a fanfic that takes Ship-over-story as its respective style. The fact this whole center of this story is centered on the basis of Amourshipping, rather than the conflict of the gang with Yveltal. More development would have to be made on this story to give out a lasting impact.
    Understood. I admit that I have tried to add some features into this story that most likely confused it from the actual plot, and frustrated some people. Thank you for pointing that out.

    1. Two chapters is really short - my story ideas at the time were extremely low, I didn't know what else to write for the other chapters (I am not really into writing, so in terms of making a fiction story... it'll come out quite poor). Your examples - that's something I seriously need to sort out. Because of making this story so short and my idea capabilities at the time, I rushed to conclusions and added several events that would've most likely confused the readers. Him getting a mega ring, that went overboard. Him getting saved by Charizard out of nowhere, gone overboard. I need to seriously cut out my habit of rushing to conclusions.

    2. If I made the story longer, I agree that I could've explained their emotions - and it's awkward that Ash would randomly out of nowhere say, "Serena, I love you". My story didn't show this effectively. I acknowledge your points stated and it seems OOC themes is a major point that needs improving on.

    3. I'm perfectly fine with your opinion. I guess if I added Yveltal in the beginning of Ch2, it would of given more action and emphasis to my story. The recap wasn't really needed as you pointed out - I'll take this into account.

    4. This is a problem I encountered while writing this, and I knew I would mess up on it. In one of my reviews on FF.net, they told me to add drama into my story. To be honest, I suck at dramatic scenes... which is probably the cause as to why it made the story confusing in the first place. Making her cry did set it to a next level, I should of sticked with her just being really upset.

    Response to your verdict - Thank you. I agree that more development into this story would've made it flow much more better, and added impact that'll stay on the reader. Should dramatic stories be my thing? Probably not, I guess working on another genre is best set out for me.
    Thank you for the extremely helpful points and advice you have given me though, jjztiger. I'll take these into account.
    "One shall stand in victory, and one shall suffer defeat in death."

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    Quote Originally Posted by jjztiger View Post
    4. All the personalities in this story are dramatic... maybe a bit too dramatic.... Yes, Serena would be upset if Ash 'died', but crying over it? Totally overboard if you ask me. I doubt she'd be that upset imo.
    Why wouldn't she? Considering she cried when she thought Pikachu was 'dead', I'd imagine she'd be devastated at losing Ash. You get 'upset' when you break your phone, or see a dead animal. If you lose your friend, especially one you had a crush on and left your house to meet again, you're destroyed. The only reason Ash himself didn't cry at losing Pikachu was because he's seen death before and has been nearly killed thousands of times. For someone who doesn't have the mental fortitude that Ash does, death is very traumatic.

    Otherwise, I agree with your points. Then again, since this is Spectro889's first story. I've seen lots of great stories that actually started out lame but grew with the author's experience.

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