Okay, here we go with the second review, chapters seven through twelve:
Seventh chapter review:
Oh, wow. Mewtwo really has fallen. Exposing Mew to his emotions, to his lust (lust being the key word, as it is considered a sin)...that's what happened. I will say that it's a very good thing he had enough control of himself to stop at kissing her. I will also say that Ho-oh has some really sound advice. No wonder why the guy is so respected.
I will say that true love is a lot more than merely doing anything for the person you love. While Mew has the basic concept down, I have my own opinion that people who truly love each other are honest and open with one another. They are not afraid to say what they feel and why. They are not afraid that what their other half says may be different. And they are honest and open enough to truly respect their opinion and come to a middle ground for the sake of their other. It is something that I failed miserably at - and there's absolutely nothing in my life that I regret more. I just hope and pray that the same thing doesn't happen to these two.
There is a small typo with the word "channellers" being spelled as "chandlers". A chandler is a maker of candle wax and the like.
I have to admit that there are some very beautiful and poignant scenes between the two main characters. Really, you have a major talent for making these scenes as emotional as they need to be without going overboard like most romance fics tend to do.
Latios, you've gone way too far. Mewtwo should've kicked the snot out of you and then some. Funny. You'd think that Deoxys would be the first to go to such extremes, but I guess that he's a tame pervert. ...But then again, now that I look back, I think that one of the same demons that got Mew attempted to possess Latios, so I guess I can forgive him to an extent.
Oh, no. Mew's possessed...and I really doubt that this demon is going to be relatively harmless like Legion was in the Gospel of Mark. And there is no messiah figure to save the legends. Now it truly is the end of the world as we know it.
The end is nigh! Repent! Repent!
I wonder if the sacrificial offering of Mew's blood was needed to fully bring the demon into the real world. It wouldn't surprise me; her blood, her DNA, her chromosones are so much more valuable and powerful than everyone else's that it's not even funny. That's no slight to the other legends; it's more of a testament to Mew's power.
Eighth chapter review:
Giratina...is the best renegade ever. Of all time. I love how he just boldly stated to Mewtwo that he was interrogating him. Forget Darkrai's reaction; I'd be rolling around on the floor laughing with tears in my eyes if he did that around me. He's a real wildcard in all of this. On the one hand, he's probably going to be much easier to possess than the others; he's easily the worst legend on the evil-ness scale, and nothing's going to change that. The demons could easily exploit that. On the other, he could also be the most useful one against these demons. He knows that they're coming, and he knows what they're up against - and that may be the only advantage they have.
Holy (censored censored-ing censored censor censor). Holy (insert random string of explicit language coming from a reader who is scared out of his mind). I freaking hate Ouija boards, and this chapter has not helped at all. Mewtwo cutting off Deoxys' hands scared me a lot. The conversations with Darkrai and Mew freaked me out even more. Ho-oh being temporarily stricken blind, deaf, and mute just for asking a question was easily the most frightening thing in this chapter. You've done your job almost too well. These demons are scaring the hell out of me: both figuratively and (just about) literally.
And they want Mew and Mewtwo. Do they want to create an anti-Christ figure from the two of them? Is there something else that we don't know? I'm wondering what sort of value Mewtwo holds for them. Technically, he is the last son of Man left on the earth: he was created from human genes and the genes of Mew. I also wonder how much truth the demons' words have. I can't see them being as upfront as Arceus was. What lies were they telling? Were they telling any truths? If so, how much?
Ninth chapter review:
First off, the title drew me in. I wonder who will play the role of Judas Iscarot...
You meant to say "twitch"; twitched is past tense, while you were focusing more on the present tense during that part.
Now that he was thinking of it, he tried to shake his arms free from their out-stretched position. He could only twitched
his fingers, everything else was stiffened in place.
"Quite" is the word you were looking for.
She just laughed, a little harsh for someone of her size. “You need to explain why, there are quiet
a few other 'mistakes' I could be making.”
Huh...this is a completely different Legion than the one I'm used to. To my knowledge (which is admittedly limited), Legion was one of the only demons that willingly allowed Christ to exorcise them from their host in exchange for not being sent back to Hell. But then again, Legion is still a demon...and I must admit that the character named Legion from Mass Effect 2 is my favorite (a sentient AI in a synthetic body), so that might have something to do with it...I don't know. -_-
And he was also talking about the event before Noah built his Ark, where the world was so truly evil that God rained fire down from the heavens to smite all who lived there (aside from Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives) and the world wept (the Flood). The thirty pieces of silver was also a brilliant touch. This is extremely interesting. I love the way you're portraying Legion: irredeemably evil, but not seeming to be at a first glance. Still, that's how demons work, do they not?
Tenth chapter review:
Well, I was a bit confused by the setting, but I think you explained it well. So, Legion was trying to tempt their spirits to procreate? Intriguing. I hate to admit it, but this guy is very clever. He's still a horrible jerk, though.
It's good to see Mew back, if only for a small while. Thank fate that Mewtwo stopped himself in time...again. This time, it would've been a whole lot worse if he hadn't.
You know, unless Mewtwo finds true peace within himself - and I mean real peace, as in actually finding his purpose - I don't think he and Mew could ever be together. I believe that he cares about her, but those primal feelings he has are still right there, lurking beneath the surface. He's still very quick to anger, very quick to judge, which isn't really condusive to a loving and happy relationship. Just my thoughts.
Eleventh chapter review:
Oh...my...fate... I'll probably be damned to a even lower level of hell for saying this, but every single one of those scientists deserved to die the way they did. Every - single - one. What they did to Mew was just sickening. I don't blame her for reacting the way she did, and if God and Arceus have a problem with that, then they've got a problem with me as well. It's a freaking disgrace that Mew's soul is now in the same place that their souls were (I assume that they've been damned already).
Legion's showing that they're even more clever than I realized. They're deliberately driving Mew and Mewtwo closer together, which is a really bad thing at this point. They've shown a fair bit of Mew's past, a past that she probably didn't even tell any other legend (I mean, how could she tell them that she was captured, tortured for months on end, forcibly impregnated, lost the child, and killed the people responsible? She simply couldn't.) But now they've established that they both have a common bond, which works more in Legion's favor than it does with Mew and Mewtwo.
Also, her forced impregnation when added to her virginity reminds me of none other than the Virgin Mary. (If you're curious about the scream you heard in the background, that's just me getting stricken by three consecutive lightning bolts.) Then who, I wonder, will become the messiah of the new world?
Twelveth chapter review:
Huh. Things must be really bad if the legends are getting together to pray. Even Giratina. Yep, things must be extremely bad.
But the beginning of that section was absolutely hilarious. Hormones, pregnancy, etc...oh, man, that's too funny.
Wow. Legion has some serious anger issues toward Jehovah. I can recommend a good rehab center-
-gasp- He said, "Jehovah!"
-deathglares even more-
Anyway, I feel sorry for Mewtwo. Now he's at his breaking point. And Legion finally tricked him by revealing their trump card; Mew can't leave Hell until she finds peace within herself. And now that the end of-
THE END IS NIGH! REPENT! REPENT!
-deathglares until the random part of my mind is too scared to show its face-
Anyway, like I was saying before, now that the end of the world has finally arrived, I'm going to be extremely interested to see how it all turns out. How will the legends finally die? I can't really see them winning, that's for sure.
I am really starting to love this story. No serious grammatical errors, characterization is mostly the same as always (with more of a shift toward Mewtwo, Mew, and Legion in the later chapters), and the plot has me hanging on every word. I have to say that you've done a really fine job. May I please be on the PM list?
Last edited by SilentMemento; 8th June 2012 at 3:35 PM.
Reason: missed a glaring error
Warmonger - A fantasy fic where peasants fight the wars of kings and lords, where monsters lurk in the night, and where depravity is not only expected, but encouraged...