Okay, time for the reviews I promised (Note to moderators: I will likely have to post more than once (three times). These reviews are long, detailed, and done for each chapter; not all of them will fit in one post. I'll try to go out of my way not to double post):
First chapter review
Wow. What an opening. If the shocked exclamation of Suicune doesn't draw a reader into the plot, I don't think anything could. I have no idea why Orre would bomb Sinnoh, though; they don't look like the type of region with the natural resources to support a war. Aside from that, what reason would they have to bomb Sinnoh in the first place? Surely they would know that all of the other regions would pledge their support to Sinnoh against a completely unprovoked attack? Or is there something more to this that I'm not seeing?
The wickedness of the world reminds me a lot about Noah and the Ark, primarily the beginning bit of killing everyone off to start an era of peace. The wickedness affecting the legends as well was also a nice twist; Cresselia's actions really shocked me, and it was also shocking to see the deplorable state that they're in because of their domains being destroyed (aside from Mewtwo, who really has no obligations toward...anything, unless you count Mew, and his personality makes it feel like he views it as little more than a chore.)
I loved their portrayal. It makes them feel like the gods of Greece, Rome, and Egypt, along with other cultures: powerful enough to answer to no one but Arceus and fate, but always locked in petty squabbles with each other; protective toward others, but only when it would help their own cause; interested in human affairs, but not wanting to get involved themselves.
I caught a minor grammatical error in this chapter (during Ho-oh's speech):
The bolded word is unnecessary. The entire quote sounds better with the word cut out entirely, to be truthful.
Siblings shall share the same resting place. Friends shall be neighbors. Rivals shall be the
I laughed uncontrollably at the story about Entei being sick. That was totally hilarious. I felt more than a mere pang of sadness at Mew's condition, though. I could tell that she had seen enough, that she wanted to block what she had seen out for good, even if it meant resorting to such extreme measures.
Overall, it was an absolutely solid opening piece. I don't think that you could've opened it any better than you did.
Second chapter review
Mewtwo is showing - yet again - how different he is from the other legends. He is reminded by the bug Pokemon (even though they didn't intend to do that) that he has no real role to play aside from protecting Mew. They refer to her as a goddess; he is merely the protector of their goddess. That's not helped by the way he thinks. He rationalizes in a cold, logical way, almost like a machine. Instincts and emotions don't govern his mind like the other legends; when he does have them, he is aloof and wouldn't dare show them, as he considers them to be weaknesses. No wonder why he feels so alienated by everyone.
The chapter was painful to read, not because of anything wrong with it (I couldn't find anything wrong with it), but because the content was so...well, it was realistic. It was well done. It didn't pull any punches. And it pained me to read it. It wove its way into my heart, into my mind, bringing all sorts of emotions with it. I have to say that you do that very well. You really have a way of making these characters so much more than mere characters. In this story, they are real living beings, and I applaud you for being able to portray them as such.
Third chapter review
You know, I'm really starting to fall in love with that Scyther in a totally platonic way. I love his outlook on life, I love his philosophical mind, and I can totally understand why Mewtwo would have a semblance of trust and kinship toward him. I mean, the guy was probably the Confucius of Pokemon in a past life. Seriously.
Lugia's wings + air quotes = winning on an epic scale. And yes, that does deserve a mention of its own.
Wow...Lugia could've shown a little bit more tact with his words (although that might be a part of his character; he strikes me as a bit more free-wheeling than most of the legends), but there's no reason that Mewtwo should've exploded at Lugia like that. Good job by Mew to get them away from the innocent Pokemon before things really got out of hand.
Fourth chapter review
Hmm...obviously something happened between Mew and Mewtwo before the first chapter. I have a few ideas, but they're no more than uneducated guesses, so...yeah, I'll just wait and see how it turns out.
Armageddon, apocalypse, omega...a lot of symbolism of the end coming to the earth. Well, I guess that it's now time for me to go do all of those things I wanted to do but couldn't. Oh, wait, I've only been to, like, five places on my bucket list. Stupid Ragnarok...
What Deoxys said to Rayquaza was really mean, but even I had to suppress a snicker at his line and the aftermath. And I laughed at Lugia's response. I swear, even though this stuff shouldn't be funny, I can't help but think that it's the most hilarious moment in the entire fic. I am a bit confused at Cresselia's line, though:
Wouldn't Deoxys be giving men a bad rep? I'm not quite certain how he gives women a bad reputation when the guy is clearly not a lady.
“It's creeps like you who give women a bad reputation!”
...Poor Rayquaza. The guy loses an eye and part of his tail while trying to save everyone's lives, and all of the legends - save for Latias - think that he's goofing off. He may be proud and all, but you can tell that he really cares.
The scenes of destruction were horrifying. To think that legends like Deoxys and Giratina were traumatized so badly by what they witnessed...it had to have been really, really bad. Lugia devolving back into his Shadow form to save his loyal servants, the destruction of every region we ever knew about (except those jerks in Unova, sitting on their bums and snickering to themselves while reading this story. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Genesect!), Ho-oh realizing how badly he and all of the other legends have sinned, Entei fighting his inner demons about not saving a hateful boy, and Uxie regretting giving humanity intelligence...this is incredibly deep. You handled this amazingly. Kudos to you.
There's a minor typo during Giratina's bit:
You mean "rogue". Rouge is the French word for "red".
For one thing, wasn't he supposed to be the rouge
, the menace to society and the world itself?
Fifth chapter review
You know, the Regis have barely been talked about in your story. Regigigas hasn't been mentioned, and the other three have been mentioned sparingly. Could you clarify this for me? I'm a bit confused.
Scyther died?! :'( Man, I'm so bummed out. Those bug-types didn't deserve their fate. It makes me wish that Rapture had swept them - along with all of the other good people - away. You know, much like what Ho-oh is thinking about. I can see why he'd be so furious.
Why do I get the feeling that all of those small keepsakes are going to mean a lot in later chapters? I don't know, it could be me.
Giratina won me over with his "been to hell" comment. He's a bad guy, but the kind that you want to cheer for. Oh, and his comments to Arceus were the epitome of coolness.
Speaking of Arceus, his accent is awesome. Enough said. And with his words, the story shifts from Noah's Ark to the Garden of Eden. I just wonder who will play the role of the serpent...
Sixth chapter review
All sorts of hilarity ensues. I take back what I said about the hilarious scene in the fourth chapter. Latias' reaction when she realized what Arceus meant about "procreation" is completely hysterical. Oh, fate, I laughed so hard...I can't breathe...oh, and the part where Ho-oh mentioned that there were only eight females...and the bodily functions and bra...seriously, I'm laughing my head off.
That said, there are two errors I caught:
I think that the quote could be reworded a bit. Maybe add the words "too much" between the bolded words?
(Suicune's mind was still in shock
to comprehend what he said.)
A minor typo. You want "than".
Everyone else began to murmur amongst themselves. “We have to share?!” came from no other then
Groudon in whose disappointment wasn't all that surprising.
Cresselia and Darkrai were a couple?! And their son...was called Adam? Oh - my - fate. You hinted that they were a couple, and I never quite got it. Nice plot twist.
Hmm...the scene between Mew and Mewtwo was very poignant, very touching. Giving a Lum berry, her favorite berry, to her was particularly sweet. I have to say, I'm not a huge romance fan, but you most certainly know how to portray a romance, which, given the category it's in, is a core value of your fic.
All in all, I think you've done an outstanding job on your fic so far. Your characters felt very real (although I still feel that you could've portrayed the Regis a bit better), your plot seamlessly transforms itself (going from carefree and relaxed to tense and pulse-pounding and vice versa) without slowing down the pace or dragging its feet, and the romantic scenes are extremely well done.
The plot is quite impressive so far. Naturally, there are religious undertones to it, specifically Adam and Eve, Noah, and Rapture. You've mentioned demonic bits quite a few times as well, and Arceus said he was an angel, so I'll assume that there will be demons in this story as well. I'm also wondering if any Abel and Cain references will pop up.
Character-wise, my favorite is still Scyther (and it's going to take a lot to change that), but I'm starting to warm up to all of the legends as well. I couldn't dislike any of them if I wanted to (even though some of them have very real flaws to their character). I'm sure that someone has mentioned this, but I will say that you have a gift for portraying your characters as if they were real. I've seen a lot of impressive characters in a lot of impressive fics, but it's an extremely rare sight to see what you've done. You took a large number of prominent characters and crafted different personalities for all of them without sacrificing their believability. That must've taken a tremendous amount of time and effort.
The mix between third person narrator and limited third person is a bit unconventional, and there were a couple of times where I was unsure who was speaking or whose POV you were currently in. However, your grammar is very sound (aside from the minor typos), and the problems I've mentioned pale in comparison to the body of work as a whole. This is a very brilliant story that you're crafted, one that I'm not quite sure most people would dare to write. I truly am impressed by this.
Last edited by SilentMemento; 13th June 2012 at 2:33 PM.
Reason: Must. Fix. Errors.
Warmonger - A fantasy fic where peasants fight the wars of kings and lords, where monsters lurk in the night, and where depravity is not only expected, but encouraged...