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Thread: Forsaken

  1. #176
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    Sep 2009
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    Chapter 1

    The opening hooked me easily, you did a good job, I don't quite understand the cryptic words at the beginning but they were enigmatic which only made the beginning interesting. The dialogue flowed very well and the characterization of the legendaries as moral beings really did the job because, for one, you gave each of them a distinct personality in some form. Deoxy's sticks out as being the most prominent due to the wise-guy personality he seems to have. Then we have the very broken Mew and somewhat stoic Mewtwo, you managed to really make me feel sympathetic for Mew. She, in mostly all media or stories, is portrayed as pretty mischievous and happy-go-lucky all of the time, the fact she's in a near-death state and contemplating suicide of all things is simply a magnificent break from the usual. Writing wasn't under-descriptive nor too flowery in the slightest, didn't catch any spelling errors either. The grand plot at hand was not cliche at all, the fact that the world is in danger being in a war and it's slowly dying which has forced the guardians of the Earth into a state of emergency really is a creative idea, visually they all are changed by the calamities and chaos in some shape, form, or fashion.

    The meeting scene was very captivating as well as the mini-tell about how some of the legendaries were changed overtime. Pacing was perfectly fine for me, I know some will see the length of stories and go nuts at them but I'm almost never bothered by the length of a chapter as long as it's entertaining and quality material, your chapter one was just that. As a grand whole you really hit the ground running by already conveying how things in the world are slowly dying due to the uncaring and selfish nature of humans and their lust for war and fighting. The ending scene with Mewtwo begrudgingly siding with Mew seemed kinda, weird. I liked it, but for someone who supposedly considers her a friend he sure was quite cold toward her, even if he is an isolated person it did seem very scornful. A nice ending to an overall great beginning. I didn't care for the comedic Suicune/Entei scene, then again I'm not a very comedy-ensued person in-general.

    Rivals shall be the friends.
    This would flow better without the "the."
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 13th April 2013 at 5:48 PM.

  2. #177
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    Aug 2013
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    Everywhere
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    This was the very first fan fic that I read on Serebii, back before I joined. I just... was in awe. The only other time I've seen something so amazing was either in published books or a fan fic that's on another forum. I absolutely love almost everything about this story. Now, on to the reviewing part...


    Chapter one

    “WHAT! A world war?!”

    Startled by the sudden outburst, Suicune bowed her head, her once-flowing mane drooped over her arched back. “Y-Yes, sir. Sinnoh was bombed by Orre, and the other regions are getting ready to come defend it. It's more likely than not to be a... world war...” The legendary North Wind grew silent, stricken with sorrow and age before the Guardian's eyes. The ribbon tail refused to undulate about the legs, it instead lay trailing on the ground. Her crest upon her forehead had long ago lost its shine and was now a dull, melancholy green. Her delicate fur was suddenly noticed to be smudged with dust clinging to her in clumps. Black and blue surrounded her dull eyes, indicating her lack of sleep. She was pitiful, unworthy to stand before someone whom she was once equally revered to.
    An excellent start. Makes me think "Oh no, bad stuff's going to happen and everyone will DIE". I love the description of Suicune. Actually, it makes me think "Pollution"...

    The world had become more sinful to the point the Legendaries didn't dare show their faces. They could feel the evil expanding, and feared it was going to reach them as well. This fear was what caused them to start wilting from their high positions. As pollution became thicker and more prominent, Celebi was struggling to keep plant-life prosperous, resorting to using his life-source to do so. The last time Ho-oh saw him, he was beginning to turn a color of rot. The eyes were still bright, but it wouldn't be long before they would dim. Jirachi, many years back, had eventually broken free of his sleeping spells and began to use stored energy from the Millennium Comet as his powers. However, because he never knew of the real world, it became a gut-wrenching experience for him. His cheerful face transitioned to a blank mask within months of the realization, and then his wishing powers depleted over time. Darkrai, though he lived off nightmares, was being possessed with demons from the people he tried to haunt. It grew difficult for him to find true fear to feed, and he fled to isolate himself away from civilization. Even Giratina had to get away from the world, and would only come out of his dimension if the Legendaries really needed him.
    Just goes to show that stuff can go wrong, even in the Pokemon world. It also shows really how bad things are getting. If even the all-powerful legendaries are struggling to do their jobs, then humanity is certainly taking a turn for the worst.

    It had been decades since many of the Legendaries saw each other, and thus the gathering felt more like a memorial than a conference. Old friends worriedly examined each other, taking in the shell of what was once their glorified selves. Life-time rivals only stared pitifully one to another at what remained of their strength and boisterous powers. Siblings huddled together as though trying to hold themselves up higher for a little longer, leaning on each other for support or comfort. No one spoke nor sent telepathic messages across the field, instead they sat deathly silent in their assigned places as they waited for the meeting to begin. Ho-oh stood at the forest's edge, watching the skies and the surrounding land. There were a few still unaccounted for, but they were coming, Suicune made sure of it. Besides, none of them would dare ditch a gathering important as this. Had it been more of a casual assembly, he wouldn't have bothered taking the time to usher them into the clearing, and there'd be plenty of empty seats sticking out from the crowd.
    Wonder what the legends discussed back in the days before all the pollution and stuff. I like how this chapter is a bit focused on Ho-oh. That rainbow bird has always been a favorite legendary of mine. I wonder what previous meeting were like...

    The tiny terrier was already in her place, choosing to take the form of her Sky Forme, as her Land Forme was too squeaky and quiet. Having once stood tall and proud, Shaymin's petal scarf had wilted into an unhealthy brown, the edges frayed. Her fur was matted and dusty, with her ears drooping past her chin. Casting her eyes about mournfully at what remained of the mighty Legendaries, she began in a hard voice: “Brethren and sisters. We have been called together because the unthinkable has happened. It's been rumored, if not yet declared, that we are to be in a world war. This morning, at approximately 0500 hours, the beloved region of Sinnoh had been mercilessly bombed by Orre.” A few gasped murmurs from those who hadn't heard the terrible news livened in small groups. Others bowed their heads in silent respect. Shaymin continued. “The damage done is monstrous and heart-breaking. It is believed thousands of humans and Pokémon have lost their lives in this attack. Thanks to a scoping of the area by Rayquaza and Giratina, we have assembled the damage reports.”
    Terrier? Aren't terriers dogs? How in the name of Arceus is Shaymin a dog? That aside, I like the description of Shaymin. She isn't exactly tall, though. Maybe change that to "Having once stood strong and proud" or to "Having once stood confidently and proudly".

    The reproached Legendary glared icily at the female, one of his arms morphing into his dual-colored flagellates. “You dare say that again, Cress?” he darkly challenged.
    XD I used to think of Cresselia as "Cress" for short. I just caught that.

    There came a cry of “Amen!” from the middle, recognized as Jirachi's energetic tone. A few of his surrounding peers gaped at his random reaction, knowing he hadn't spoken a word in years, though Latias cried out happily and gave him a hug (he was quickly rescued by Latios).
    Hooray for Jirachi! XD Latias. I love Latias. Latios, go pry your sister off of Jirachi XD.

    By this time, a small crowd had gathered around, blocking off any escape Suicune had planned on making. She tried to hide her face in her mane, darkly murmuring to herself for the purpose of drowning out her brother's voice. He obliviously continued his gushing. “As it turns out, while Suicune is purifying water, there's this rather temporary flammable chemical secreted from her paws that is released into the water to help clean it. So when Entei spat fire at the lake, half the surface went up in flames!” He paused while a wave of whooping went through a majority of the spectators, grinning excitedly. “Oh, my Arceus, you wouldn't believe how many burn patients had to be treated that day! Even Nurse Joy couldn't believe it when all these fish Pokémon were rushed into the emergency room by a small group of campers who just so happened to be there and saw the whole thing happen! She was all 'OMIGAWD' and, according to reports, actually fainted at the amount of her many patients. They had to call in another Nurse Joy to complete the task!”
    Hooray for comedy relief! Guess that legendary Pokemon can embarrass their sisters too! XD

    Those were the parts in chapter one that really stood out to me. This fic has a perfect mixture of comedy relief and serious stuff. Deoxys pretty much provides all of the funny stuff, but Entei and Raikou also play a part in the LOL department. Overall, very good story and great characters. If I had to give this a starred rating, then 5/5 stars. No, 6/5 stars. Oh, and add me to the PM list, please.
    Last edited by Feeshy; 28th August 2013 at 5:56 AM.
    DIE, PIKACHU. DIE.
    (Yes, I do hate Pikachu...)
    My White 2 Friend Code: 2194 5852 2842

  3. #178
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    Feb 2012
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    This is an instering story were the first sentence caputes me in a new world of wonder and awesomeness.
    Last edited by p96822; 24th December 2013 at 6:33 AM.

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